1. Ow! My stomach!
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2. Do you suffer from gut agony?
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3. And my head!
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4. Tension head?
You've got that bloated feeling?
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5. Ooh!
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6. Inevitable wrinkles?
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7. The beginnings of lady moustache?
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8. And now
you've pissed yourself again?
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9. Women - you're leaking, ageing, hairy,
overweight and everything hurts.
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10. And your children's clothes
are filthy!
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11. No wonder men long
for other, less-clammy women.
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12. For God's sake, sort yourself out.
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13. Now I'm free to live my own life,
my way.
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14. Men, shave and get drunk.
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15. Because you're already brilliant.
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16. It works! It works!
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17. Professor!
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18. You should not be here.
This is private property.
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19. Mr President, I'm so sorry.
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20. Ah, good evening, Professor.
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21. This is Major Agnew.
Major Agnew, Professor...
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22. Mr President, this is indeed
an honour. I had no idea.
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23. Well, our country's been pouring a lot of
money into this secret research of yours.
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24. I thought we should find out
what we've been paying for.
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25. Indeed! It so happens you are here
just in time, Mr President, Major Agnew.
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26. I do not think
you will be disappointed.
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27. Behold, then, the Giant Death Ray.
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28. Well, I'll be...
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29. Professor, is that a laser?
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30. Yes, Major Agnew. The Giant
Death Ray is indeed a laser.
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31. And now perhaps you'll be so good
as to place this simple tin of peaches
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32. into the path of my laser's beam.
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33. What?
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34. Do it, Major.
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35. Please.
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36. Gentlemen, the price of those peaches
has just been ascertained electronically
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37. and is stored in the information
banks of my Giant Death Ray.
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38. I thank you. Any questions?
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39. Well, one question that obviously leaps
to mind, Professor... Er, Professor...
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40. Death.
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41. .. Professor Death, is why on earth
you are likely to name
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42. this contraption of yours
the Giant Death...? Oh, I see.
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43. Professor Death?
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44. Mr President?
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45. I have a question.
This laser of yours...
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46. Death ray, yes.
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47. If you were to increase
the intensity of its beam...
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48. Intensity, yes...
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49. could your death ray
not also be used to...
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50. Perform delicate eye surgery? Yes.
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51. No. What I'm asking, Professor,
is might this death ray of yours
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52. not also have some...
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53. Well, some military application?
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54. The Giant Death Ray,
a military application?
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55. Yes.
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56. Oh, yes, of course,
a military application.
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57. Yes. Why, I'll just go and check.
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58. No!
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59. Professor Death!
Professor, you're destroying it!
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60. Forgive me, Mr President, but I am
a man of science, not of war.
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61. I intended the Giant Death Ray
to be used for good, not evil.
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62. OK.
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63. To help mankind, not to destroy it.
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64. Please, Professor, stop! I
understand! Please, Professor Death.
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65. Thank you.
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66. OK, so... What else can you show us?
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67. To be used for good?
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68. Absolutely.
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69. None of that evil use?
Good uses, yes?
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70. Very well.
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71. It was my intention to help mankind
further, Mr President, Major Agnew,
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72. by affixing the Giant Death Ray
to this.
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73. The Armoured Scorpion of Death!
Behold!
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74. Why, by all that's...
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75. Placed behind the counter
of any local convenience store,
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76. the Armoured Scorpion
of Death's claws
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77. not merely aids the stacking
of high shelves,
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78. but also easily facilitates
the movement of household goods
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79. through shoulder-mounted beams
maintained by its triangular red eyes.
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80. And the sting?
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81. Fires helpful bullets.
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82. Major...
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83. Well, of course, Mr President,
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84. the military applications
of such a device...
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85. No-o-o-o-o!
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86. Professor!
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87. Forgive me, Mr President!
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88. I created the laser-fitted
Armoured Scorpion of Death
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89. to help mankind, not to destroy.
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90. What's this Unlimited Power Bomb?
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91. Ah, now that...
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92. No! I'm onto you, Major Agnew.
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93. Yeah, I got your number!
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94. This bomb was created
to help mankind not destroy.
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95. And this,
Mind-Controlling Death Ants?
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96. No! The Mind-Controlling Death Ants were
created to help mankind, not destroy it.
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97. Doom Melon?
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98. No! The Doom Melon...
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99. still needs some work.
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100. That was just another
post-event power surge.
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101. Remain calm
and do not touch the walls.
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102. You're watching the British
Emergency Broadcasting System.
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103. The estimated season
is the dark season.
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104. Now the surge has subsided,
let's return to The Quiz Broadcast.
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105. So, on with the show!
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106. Round two is the questions round.
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107. Question one.
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108. Books say that the human body
is 92% water.
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109. What was water?
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110. Was it an animal?
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111. Could be.
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112. Erm, was it a country?
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113. Equally plausible.
One point each there.
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114. Question two.
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115. Books mention hope. What was hope?
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116. Was it a country?
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117. Possibly.
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118. Was it a spice? What's a spice?
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119. I think it's an animal?
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120. Fair enough. One point each.
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121. I always feel after that round, I really
wish I'd listened more before the event.
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122. Don't you, Peter?
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123. Yes, I wish I'd listened
to how you grow food.
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124. That would have been handy.
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125. Sheila, any pre-event knowledge
you wish you'd absorbed?
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126. Well, I think if I'd taken in
more survival tips for children,
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127. that would have been helpful.
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128. Oh, yes. Post-event, the world
would have been a different place
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129. if we'd managed to keep
even some of the children alive.
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130. Moving on, please remain indoors.
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131. Round three is our film round.
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132. As usual, I'm going to show you the only
surviving piece of pre-event footage,
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133. and the question, as always,
is what happened next?
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134. So, anyone?
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135. What...? What happened next?
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136. Uuuhhh! Uhhhh...
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137. Oh! Oh, that's progress!
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138. Yes, Unknown Male 282,
what happened next?
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139. Ah, well, he's probably just going
over and over the event in his head.
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140. This might be a good time to remind
our viewers, if there are any,
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141. please don't think
about the event...
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142. and, of course, remain indoors.
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143. It's coming out in clumps.
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144. So, the film.
Anyone, what happened next?
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145. No-one?
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146. Well, I'm not surprised
you didn't get that,
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147. because the answer,
we think, was the event.
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148. OK, round four - sudden death.
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149. Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
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150. Oh...
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151. Oh, bad luck, Unknown Male 282,
but have you had fun on the show?
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152. Have you had fun?
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153. Oh, well.
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154. I think he can go outside now.
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155. OK, so running order for the show,
I was thinking, hit, miss,
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156. hit, hit, miss,
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157. miss, hit,
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158. miss, hit, miss,
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159. hit, miss,
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160. miss, miss,
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161. hit, hit,
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162. miss, hit, miss.
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163. What do you think?
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164. Are we definitely going for
the whole hit-and-miss thing?
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165. It's a sketch show, it's gotta be hit
and miss. That's what people expect.
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166. It's just... it is quite time-consuming,
writing and filming all the misses.
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167. It almost feels, you know,
a bit pointless.
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168. Well, it's the other writers
I feel sorry for,
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169. the ones who have to, you know...
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170. Write the hits. Yeah.
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171. Yeah. Well, tough.
They should get their own show.
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172. But, I mean, still we've done
two hit-and-miss series now.
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173. Can't we go for something different?
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174. Look, if we didn't perversely include
about 50% deliberately unamusing material,
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175. then people would have to think
of something else to say.
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176. What? Like we're too
self-referential?
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177. Ah! Clever.
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178. And people call us smug!
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179. Make yourself comfortable,
the wine's in the fridge.
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180. Ah...
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181. Oh, just relax! It's only a date.
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182. 'Whenever I get nervous on a date,'
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183. I just try and think to myself, what
would Cary Grant do in this situation?
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184. Yeah, but I don't really
have any heroes like that.
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185. Mm. You quite like that
Gary Rhodes book I bought you.
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186. Yeah, he's all right.
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187. Who are you?
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188. Gary Rhodes.
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189. Are you?
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190. Yes, I'm Gary Rhodes.
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191. Is that what Gary Rhodes looks like?
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192. No, but this is the best version
of me
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193. that your imagination
could piece together.
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194. As far as you're concerned,
I'm Gary Rhodes,
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195. and that's all you need to know.
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196. All right. Well, erm...
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197. As you're here,
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198. have you got any advice,
Gary Rhodes, about the date?
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199. I'm really more of a cooking man.
What sort of thing does she like?
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200. Well, I don't really know
what HE likes.
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201. He?
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202. Yeah, he's just through there.
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203. Nng. Oh.
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204. What?
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205. What? Nothing. I'm fine with it.
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206. I've just never cooked for a...
Well, for one of you before.
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207. Sorry? Are you having a problem
with me being gay?
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208. No! Shut up.
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209. Is Gary Rhodes homophobic?
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210. No, I'm not.
But you obviously think I am.
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211. You've also given me this. I think
we both know what you've done there.
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212. So, what would you do
in this situation?
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213. I haven't been on a date in three
years and I think this guy's great.
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214. Ew!
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215. I don't think you are Gary Rhodes.
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216. I am! I'm Gary Rhodes for you.
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217. So, let's say Gary Rhodes,
the real Gary Rhodes,
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218. is driving past and his car breaks
down and his mobile's out of battery,
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219. so he knocks on the door
and asks to use the phone,
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220. what would happen to you?
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221. I'd probably start to look a lot
more like the real Gary Rhodes,
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222. because you'd see
what he actually looks like
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223. and you wouldn't have to make up
the bits you can't remember
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224. out of your family and friends,
but, you know...
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225. Well, erm...
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226. Shall we go through?
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227. I'll be with you
every step of the way.
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228. That was delicious.
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229. You're welcome.
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230. It's Mr Rhodes.
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231. And thank you so much
for the wonderful gifts.
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232. Thanks, Andy McNab.
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233. Bravo Two Zero.
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234. Posh Jaws!
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235. Theme from "Jaws"
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236. Quint, would you do something about
that shark? There's a good chap.
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237. Righto, sir.
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238. This is their third job this month.
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239. The gunman's 5'10", average build.
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240. His mate's 18 to 24 inches tall,
bright red hair,
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241. usually wears a dinner jacket.
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242. They always work together,
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243. but we think the little guy
is running the show.
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244. Now, the profile team tells us
the next likely target
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245. is the jeweller's on Mill Street.
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246. Top brass want a result.
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247. So that's where we're camping out
all week.
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248. Excuse me, do you have a watch
battery replacement service?
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249. Er, no. Try Hasely and Sons
on the high street.
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250. Oh!
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251. Oh, come on, Montague!
Don't be like that. .. Thanks.
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252. Everybody glay down on the gound!
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253. Do as he says!
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254. What did he say?
Get on the ground.
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255. Put the jewellery in the gag. Sorry?
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256. The jewellery, the jewellery.
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257. Are you saying "jewellery"?
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258. Yes! Put it in the gag.
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259. In the gag, the gag.
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260. He says, "Bag, bag!"
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261. Do it, gitch.
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262. Armed police, stay where you are!
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263. Don't come any closer.
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264. Stay back! He'll do it.
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265. OK... Easy.
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266. Go on, Steve, shave yourself!
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267. Shave myself? Just go.
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268. Come on! Give me a name!
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269. Anything?
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270. Five hours and not a word.
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271. Tough bastard.
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272. Posh Jaws!
Two!
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273. Theme from "Jaws"
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274. Oh, Lord, there's another one.
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275. An-yong, Hennimore.
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276. I'm sorry, sir?
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277. An-yong! Korean for "hello".
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278. I'm getting into the spirit of it,
you see, ready for tonight's banquet.
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279. If we can make a good impression
on this Korean delegation,
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280. the future of Prattleford Glue
will be secure for decades.
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281. And how better to impress them than
with an authentic Korean banquet?
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282. Good plan, sir.
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283. And what do Koreans eat, Hennimore?
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284. Dog, sir?
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285. It is apparently dog,
and I see no reason to check.
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286. Now, when the authentic Korean chefs,
none of whom speak a word of English,
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287. arrive at four,
I shall be in a meeting,
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288. so I want you to show them into room 1,
where the banquet is to be prepared.
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289. OK, sir.
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290. On an unrelated note, my wife and the
other members of the Pennesby Dog Club,
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291. none of whom speak a word of Korean,
will be here from about half three,
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292. having a little celebration,
following their success at Crufts.
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293. My wife is particularly proud
of her prize-winning lap dog,
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294. which, for reasons best known to
herself, she has named after you.
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295. I feel honoured, sir.
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296. So I said they can hold that
in room I.
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297. Oh, look at that! They've got
the labels the wrong way round.
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298. So, there'll be about 34 dogs
in there,
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299. all under their Crufts victory
cloches, which will be nice.
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300. Sounds lovely, sir.
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301. And I fail to see how even you, Hennimore,
can screw up two such simple events.
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302. You can rely on me, sir.
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303. Oh, my poor Fifi!
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304. Fifi, no! My Fifi!
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305. They don't seem to have arrived yet.
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306. Oh...
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307. Hennimore!
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308. Polite Taxi Driver!
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309. I'm so sorry. Are you talking to me?
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310. I thought you were talking to me.
Are you talking to me?
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311. Now before we re-join
the thrilling quarterfinal
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312. between Joe Swail and Nigel Bond,
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313. we've just got time to see again
that fascinating retrospective
Copy !req
314. about the playing careers
of our veteran commentary team,
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315. Ted Wilkes and Peter DeCourcy.
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316. It's been me life.
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317. I've been obsessed with it
me whole life.
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318. That and snooker.
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319. So, yeah. That and the snooker.
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320. Was it Shakespeare who first said,
"What is snooker?"?
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321. Was it not?
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322. Well, it's in me blood,
plain and simple.
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323. But it can be treated with tablets.
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324. So, back to the snooker.
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325. I think it was the world final
that the fans wanted to see,
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326. me and Ted at the Crucible, 1975.
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327. We'd just broken into the top 16.
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328. Well, it was the top 14 then,
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329. cos there were only
14 professional players.
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330. It was a funny year,
the 1975 world championships.
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331. We'd just broken into the top 14,
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332. but then, obviously, there was
that tragic coach crash on the M56,
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333. which took out the top 12.
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334. So, what are your memories
of the '75 final?
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335. Well, it was just like a blur.
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336. Is it my go?
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337. It was the longest final
in Crucible history,
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338. which is particularly impressive,
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339. because in those days,
it was just the best of three.
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340. Yeah, we started on the Friday
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341. and the first ball
didn't go down till...
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342. Saturday lunchtime.
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343. Foul. Ted Wilkes - 4.
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344. Well, it's not easy
to play at your best
Copy !req
345. when you're under
that kind of pressure.
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346. 'But, fortunately, we did.'
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347. Foul. Peter DeCourcy - 4.
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348. Well, Peter was always the athlete.
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349. The man keeps in shape.
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350. Like many a gay.
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351. And, of course,
there was the CPR moment.
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352. Well, a lot is made of this,
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353. but it wasn't unusual in those days
Copy !req
354. for a player to need
a little bit of CPR during a match.
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355. I think I'm OK.
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356. Ooh...
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357. 'Has there been a change
in the snooker culture? Yes.
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358. 'Do the players
drink less now?Yes.'
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359. Do they manage to hit the ball
more often? Certainly, yes.
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360. Is this a good thing? Who knows?
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361. Psst! Aim for the finger!
Aim for the finger.
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362. Which one?
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363. This one.
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364. There's two.
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365. Oh, in-between them, then.
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366. In the end, of course, famously,
we shared the title that year,
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367. after industrial action cut the
match short after only two weeks.
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368. For me, that was the moment
when I thought,
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369. "Thatcher, bring it on!"
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370. And I've never paid tax since.
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371. Joke.
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372. Cut that out.
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373. Rude Gandhi!
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374. .. Which means, Mr Gandhi, that Partition
is the only workable solution.
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375. You can shove that up your arse,
you shit.
Copy !req
376. Johnson, have you sent for Monsieur
Voirot, the brilliant detective?
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377. Yes, Captain,
he should be here directly.
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378. Excellent. Quite a piece of luck
his being a passenger.
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379. Ah, Capitaine! I hear we have had...
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380. How shall we say?a little
accident on board ze ship.
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381. Hello again, monsieur.
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382. Yes, remember that stowaway I was
telling you about at dinner last night?
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383. Well, I arrived in my cabin
and found him... dead.
Copy !req
384. And as far as you know, he had no
friends or ENEMIES on board ze ship?
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385. None at all.
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386. It is indeed a mystery.
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387. And I've no idea how the murderer
got a piano in here.
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388. It is quite... How you say?
..a conundrum.
Copy !req
389. Ah, right!
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390. Hello! Excuse me!
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391. What the hell is going on here?
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392. It's the Poirot-y sketch.
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393. The Poirot-y sketch?
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394. Yeah, that's what
we're doing this morning.
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395. What's the problem?
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396. I'll tell you what the problem is!
You're playing both parts.
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397. So?
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398. So, we're a double act,
there are two of us.
Copy !req
399. How come you're playing
the captain and the detective?
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400. Well, I just thought, you know,
Copy !req
401. that these sort of characters
are something I'm better at.
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402. It just, sort of, felt...
.. right up my street.
Copy !req
403. That's excellent.
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404. I should be playing one of these!
You can't do both!
Copy !req
405. There are plenty of other parts, Robert.
You could play Nikolai, if you want.
Copy !req
406. Oh, cheers(!)
Copy !req
407. I don't want to be Nikolai!
I want to do one of these!
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408. Well, it just so happens that captains
and detectives are my thing.
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409. I play very high status and...
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410. Oh, I don't believe this!
Copy !req
411. Egotistical, narcissistic!
Copy !req
412. It's like you're using the show
to act out some sick fantasy.
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413. Are you ready to
rehearse the sex scene again?
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414. Yeah, just a minute, love.
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415. What?
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416. This is completely justified!
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417. I am much sexier than you.
Huh! Thanks very much.
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