1. Come on! Come on!Copy !req
2. Guys, what has happened
to this dream factory?Copy !req
3. When I first started coming up
with friendly phrasesCopy !req
4. that put a positive spin on what some
organisation is self-evidently doing,Copy !req
5. people said that that
was totally unnecessaryCopy !req
6. and no way for an honourable man
to earn a living.Copy !req
7. Then I landed
the Thames Severn Water contractCopy !req
8. and came up with, "Bringing water
to people who need it."Copy !req
9. "Stick that in fake handwriting
on all the vans," I said,Copy !req
10. "and that will, in some way,
be good."Copy !req
11. But, guys, I'm afraid
we're getting tired.Copy !req
12. Tim, have you come up with anything
for that fleet of delivery vans?Copy !req
13. All right. It's,
"When there's a thing in a place,Copy !req
14. "but the people whose thing it is
need it in another place,Copy !req
15. "then wouldn't it be good if
there was some kind of system..."Copy !req
16. Too long! Much too long!Copy !req
17. Brian, what about the one
for the Dulux Paint vans?Copy !req
18. "Making paint for obvious reasons."Copy !req
19. No, you can't say it's obvious!
That's death.Copy !req
20. It's ALL obvious.Copy !req
21. Julie, Department of Health?Copy !req
22. Er, "Working with you
to stop you dying. (Sometimes.)"Copy !req
23. Department of Education?Copy !req
24. "Hopefully ensuring
you can read this."Copy !req
25. Ooh! In fact, I've come up with one that
would work for all Government departments.Copy !req
26. "Being the governmental department
named above."Copy !req
27. That's a disaster! You can't
give them a multi-purpose one.Copy !req
28. But it'll be a big saving
in terms of...Copy !req
29. What? Money they give to us?Copy !req
30. What we're selling to them
is the ideaCopy !req
31. that people can no longer cope
with things being simply labelled,Copy !req
32. but need some kind of handholding,
accompanying phrase.Copy !req
33. Now, I'm a certain sort of evil.Copy !req
34. Not death camp evil,
not serial killer evil,Copy !req
35. but I take a perverse pleasure
in having been paid through the noseCopy !req
36. for nothing of any value.Copy !req
37. That is my dream
and I'm not gonna let it die.Copy !req
38. We're all completely behind you
on that one.Copy !req
39. Oh, yeah! I mean, I actually
used to be a serial killer,Copy !req
40. but then I realised that this sort
of evil reaches so many more people.Copy !req
41. That was what I realised the last time
I left a kitten on the dual carriageway.Copy !req
42. That's a moment.Copy !req
43. Maybe our problem is that we're
the victims of our own success.Copy !req
44. That would be gratifying,
but at the same time a pisser.Copy !req
45. What I meant was,
the pointless accompanying phraseCopy !req
46. with which we advertise our own
services might be letting us down.Copy !req
47. Remind me what it is.Copy !req
48. Erm, we're currently using two.Copy !req
49. Erm, on the business cards,Copy !req
50. we've got, "Writing what people
are doing on things,"Copy !req
51. and on the notepaper we've got,Copy !req
52. "Writing what people
are doing on the thingCopy !req
53. "that they're doing it in,
beside or with."Copy !req
54. Do you see what I mean? It's bland and it
doesn't reflect our malevolent purpose.Copy !req
55. You're right!
So what were you thinking?Copy !req
56. How about, "Sweetening your bullshitCopy !req
57. "and spraying it into the faces
of your potential critics"?Copy !req
58. I love it! It reflects the conflict
at the heart of everything.Copy !req
59. Government departments
hate the people,Copy !req
60. companies hate their stupid customersCopy !req
61. and I hate everyone in this room!Copy !req
62. Yay!Copy !req
63. Ow! My stomach!Copy !req
64. Do you suffer from gut agony?Copy !req
65. And my head!Copy !req
66. Tension head?
You've got that bloated feeling?Copy !req
67. Ooh!Copy !req
68. Inevitable wrinkles?Copy !req
69. The beginnings of lady moustache?Copy !req
70. And now
you've pissed yourself again?Copy !req
71. Women - you're leaking, ageing, hairy,
overweight and everything hurts.Copy !req
72. And your children's clothes
are filthy!Copy !req
73. No wonder men long
for other, less-clammy women.Copy !req
74. For God's sake, sort yourself out.Copy !req
75. Now I'm free to live my own life,
my way.Copy !req
76. Men, shave and get drunk.Copy !req
77. Because you're already brilliant.Copy !req
78. ELECTRICITY SPARKINGCopy !req
79. It works! It works!Copy !req
80. Professor!Copy !req
81. You should not be here.
This is private property.Copy !req
82. Mr President, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
83. Ah, good evening, Professor.Copy !req
84. This is Major Agnew.
Major Agnew, Professor...Copy !req
85. Mr President, this is indeed
an honour. I had no idea.Copy !req
86. Well, our country's been pouring a lot of
money into this secret research of yours.Copy !req
87. I thought we should find out
what we've been paying for.Copy !req
88. Indeed! It so happens you are here
just in time, Mr President, Major Agnew.Copy !req
89. I do not think
you will be disappointed.Copy !req
90. Behold, then, the Giant Death Ray.Copy !req
91. WHIRRINGCopy !req
92. Well, I'll be...Copy !req
93. Professor, is that a laser?Copy !req
94. Yes, Major Agnew. The Giant
Death Ray is indeed a laser.Copy !req
95. And now perhaps you'll be so good
as to place this simple tin of peachesCopy !req
96. into the path of my laser's beam.Copy !req
97. What?Copy !req
98. Do it, Major.Copy !req
99. Please.Copy !req
100. BEEPCopy !req
101. Gentlemen, the price of those peaches
has just been ascertained electronicallyCopy !req
102. and is stored in the information
banks of my Giant Death Ray.Copy !req
103. I thank you. Any questions?Copy !req
104. Well, one question that obviously leaps
to mind, Professor... Er, Professor...Copy !req
105. Death.Copy !req
106. .. Professor Death, is why on earth
you are likely to nameCopy !req
107. this contraption of yours
the Giant Death...? Oh, I see.Copy !req
108. Professor Death?Copy !req
109. Mr President?Copy !req
110. I have a question.
This laser of yours...Copy !req
111. Death ray, yes.Copy !req
112. If you were to increase
the intensity of its beam...Copy !req
113. Intensity, yes...Copy !req
114. could your death ray
not also be used to...Copy !req
115. Perform delicate eye surgery? Yes.Copy !req
116. No. What I'm asking, Professor,
is might this death ray of yoursCopy !req
117. not also have some...Copy !req
118. Well, some military application?Copy !req
119. The Giant Death Ray,
a military application?Copy !req
120. Yes.Copy !req
121. Oh, yes, of course,
a military application.Copy !req
122. Yes. Why, I'll just go and check.Copy !req
123. No!Copy !req
124. Professor Death!
Professor, you're destroying it!Copy !req
125. Forgive me, Mr President, but I am
a man of science, not of war.Copy !req
126. I intended the Giant Death Ray
to be used for good, not evil.Copy !req
127. OK.Copy !req
128. To help mankind, not to destroy it.Copy !req
129. Please, Professor, stop! I
understand! Please, Professor Death.Copy !req
130. Thank you.Copy !req
131. OK, so... What else can you show us?Copy !req
132. To be used for good?Copy !req
133. Absolutely.Copy !req
134. None of that evil use?
Good uses, yes?Copy !req
135. Very well.Copy !req
136. It was my intention to help mankind
further, Mr President, Major Agnew,Copy !req
137. by affixing the Giant Death Ray
to this.Copy !req
138. The Armoured Scorpion of Death!
Behold!Copy !req
139. Why, by all that's...Copy !req
140. Placed behind the counter
of any local convenience store,Copy !req
141. the Armoured Scorpion
of Death's clawsCopy !req
142. not merely aids the stacking
of high shelves,Copy !req
143. but also easily facilitates
the movement of household goodsCopy !req
144. through shoulder-mounted beams
maintained by its triangular red eyes.Copy !req
145. And the sting?Copy !req
146. Fires helpful bullets.Copy !req
147. GUNFIRECopy !req
148. Major...Copy !req
149. Well, of course, Mr President,Copy !req
150. the military applications
of such a device...Copy !req
151. No-o-o-o-o!Copy !req
152. Professor!Copy !req
153. Forgive me, Mr President!Copy !req
154. I created the laser-fitted
Armoured Scorpion of DeathCopy !req
155. to help mankind, not to destroy.Copy !req
156. What's this Unlimited Power Bomb?Copy !req
157. Ah, now that...Copy !req
158. No! I'm onto you, Major Agnew.Copy !req
159. Yeah, I got your number!Copy !req
160. This bomb was created
to help mankind not destroy.Copy !req
161. And this,
Mind-Controlling Death Ants?Copy !req
162. No! The Mind-Controlling Death Ants were
created to help mankind, not destroy it.Copy !req
163. Doom Melon?Copy !req
164. No! The Doom Melon...Copy !req
165. still needs some work.Copy !req
166. That was just another
post-event power surge.Copy !req
167. Remain calm
and do not touch the walls.Copy !req
168. You're watching the British
Emergency Broadcasting System.Copy !req
169. The estimated season
is the dark season.Copy !req
170. Now the surge has subsided,
let's return to The Quiz Broadcast.Copy !req
171. So, on with the show!Copy !req
172. Round two is the questions round.Copy !req
173. Question one.Copy !req
174. Books say that the human body
is 92% water.Copy !req
175. What was water?Copy !req
176. BUZZER
Was it an animal?Copy !req
177. Could be.Copy !req
178. BUZZER
Erm, was it a country?Copy !req
179. Equally plausible.
One point each there.Copy !req
180. Question two.Copy !req
181. Books mention hope. What was hope?Copy !req
182. BUZZER
Was it a country?Copy !req
183. Possibly.
BELLCopy !req
184. Was it a spice? What's a spice?Copy !req
185. I think it's an animal?Copy !req
186. Fair enough. One point each.Copy !req
187. I always feel after that round, I really
wish I'd listened more before the event.Copy !req
188. Don't you, Peter?Copy !req
189. Yes, I wish I'd listened
to how you grow food.Copy !req
190. That would have been handy.Copy !req
191. Sheila, any pre-event knowledge
you wish you'd absorbed?Copy !req
192. Well, I think if I'd taken in
more survival tips for children,Copy !req
193. that would have been helpful.Copy !req
194. Oh, yes. Post-event, the world
would have been a different placeCopy !req
195. if we'd managed to keep
even some of the children alive.Copy !req
196. Moving on, please remain indoors.Copy !req
197. Round three is our film round.Copy !req
198. As usual, I'm going to show you the only
surviving piece of pre-event footage,Copy !req
199. and the question, as always,
is what happened next?Copy !req
200. So, anyone?Copy !req
201. What...? What happened next?Copy !req
202. Uuuhhh! Uhhhh...Copy !req
203. Oh! Oh, that's progress!Copy !req
204. Yes, Unknown Male 282,
what happened next?Copy !req
205. Ah, well, he's probably just going
over and over the event in his head.Copy !req
206. This might be a good time to remind
our viewers, if there are any,Copy !req
207. please don't think
about the event...Copy !req
208. and, of course, remain indoors.Copy !req
209. It's coming out in clumps.Copy !req
210. So, the film.
Anyone, what happened next?Copy !req
211. No-one?Copy !req
212. Well, I'm not surprised
you didn't get that,Copy !req
213. because the answer,
we think, was the event.Copy !req
214. OK, round four - sudden death.Copy !req
215. Ahhhhhhhhhhh!Copy !req
216. Oh...Copy !req
217. Oh, bad luck, Unknown Male 282,
but have you had fun on the show?Copy !req
218. Have you had fun?Copy !req
219. Oh, well.Copy !req
220. I think he can go outside now.Copy !req
221. OK, so running order for the show,
I was thinking, hit, miss,Copy !req
222. hit, hit, miss,Copy !req
223. miss, hit,Copy !req
224. miss, hit, miss,Copy !req
225. hit, miss,Copy !req
226. miss, miss,Copy !req
227. hit, hit,Copy !req
228. miss, hit, miss.Copy !req
229. What do you think?Copy !req
230. Are we definitely going for
the whole hit-and-miss thing?Copy !req
231. It's a sketch show, it's gotta be hit
and miss. That's what people expect.Copy !req
232. It's just... it is quite time-consuming,
writing and filming all the misses.Copy !req
233. It almost feels, you know,
a bit pointless.Copy !req
234. Well, it's the other writers
I feel sorry for,Copy !req
235. the ones who have to, you know...Copy !req
236. Write the hits. Yeah.Copy !req
237. Yeah. Well, tough.
They should get their own show.Copy !req
238. But, I mean, still we've done
two hit-and-miss series now.Copy !req
239. Can't we go for something different?Copy !req
240. Look, if we didn't perversely include
about 50% deliberately unamusing material,Copy !req
241. then people would have to think
of something else to say.Copy !req
242. What? Like we're too
self-referential?Copy !req
243. Ah! Clever.Copy !req
244. And people call us smug!Copy !req
245. Make yourself comfortable,
the wine's in the fridge.Copy !req
246. Ah...Copy !req
247. Oh, just relax! It's only a date.Copy !req
248. 'Whenever I get nervous on a date,'Copy !req
249. I just try and think to myself, what
would Cary Grant do in this situation?Copy !req
250. Yeah, but I don't really
have any heroes like that.Copy !req
251. Mm. You quite like that
Gary Rhodes book I bought you.Copy !req
252. Yeah, he's all right.Copy !req
253. Who are you?Copy !req
254. Gary Rhodes.Copy !req
255. Are you?Copy !req
256. Yes, I'm Gary Rhodes.Copy !req
257. Is that what Gary Rhodes looks like?Copy !req
258. No, but this is the best version
of meCopy !req
259. that your imagination
could piece together.Copy !req
260. As far as you're concerned,
I'm Gary Rhodes,Copy !req
261. and that's all you need to know.Copy !req
262. All right. Well, erm...Copy !req
263. As you're here,Copy !req
264. have you got any advice,
Gary Rhodes, about the date?Copy !req
265. I'm really more of a cooking man.
What sort of thing does she like?Copy !req
266. Well, I don't really know
what HE likes.Copy !req
267. He?Copy !req
268. Yeah, he's just through there.Copy !req
269. Nng. Oh.Copy !req
270. What?Copy !req
271. What? Nothing. I'm fine with it.Copy !req
272. I've just never cooked for a...
Well, for one of you before.Copy !req
273. Sorry? Are you having a problem
with me being gay?Copy !req
274. No! Shut up.Copy !req
275. Is Gary Rhodes homophobic?Copy !req
276. No, I'm not.
But you obviously think I am.Copy !req
277. You've also given me this. I think
we both know what you've done there.Copy !req
278. So, what would you do
in this situation?Copy !req
279. I haven't been on a date in three
years and I think this guy's great.Copy !req
280. Ew!Copy !req
281. I don't think you are Gary Rhodes.Copy !req
282. I am! I'm Gary Rhodes for you.Copy !req
283. So, let's say Gary Rhodes,
the real Gary Rhodes,Copy !req
284. is driving past and his car breaks
down and his mobile's out of battery,Copy !req
285. so he knocks on the door
and asks to use the phone,Copy !req
286. what would happen to you?Copy !req
287. I'd probably start to look a lot
more like the real Gary Rhodes,Copy !req
288. because you'd see
what he actually looks likeCopy !req
289. and you wouldn't have to make up
the bits you can't rememberCopy !req
290. out of your family and friends,
but, you know...Copy !req
291. Well, erm...Copy !req
292. Shall we go through?Copy !req
293. I'll be with you
every step of the way.Copy !req
294. That was delicious.Copy !req
295. You're welcome.Copy !req
296. It's Mr Rhodes.Copy !req
297. And thank you so much
for the wonderful gifts.Copy !req
298. Thanks, Andy McNab.Copy !req
299. Bravo Two Zero.Copy !req
300. Posh Jaws!Copy !req
301. Theme from "Jaws"Copy !req
302. Quint, would you do something about
that shark? There's a good chap.Copy !req
303. Righto, sir.Copy !req
304. This is their third job this month.Copy !req
305. The gunman's 5'10", average build.Copy !req
306. His mate's 18 to 24 inches tall,
bright red hair,Copy !req
307. usually wears a dinner jacket.Copy !req
308. They always work together,Copy !req
309. but we think the little guy
is running the show.Copy !req
310. Now, the profile team tells us
the next likely targetCopy !req
311. is the jeweller's on Mill Street.Copy !req
312. Top brass want a result.Copy !req
313. So that's where we're camping out
all week.Copy !req
314. Excuse me, do you have a watch
battery replacement service?Copy !req
315. Er, no. Try Hasely and Sons
on the high street.Copy !req
316. Oh!Copy !req
317. Oh, come on, Montague!
Don't be like that. .. Thanks.Copy !req
318. Everybody glay down on the gound!Copy !req
319. Do as he says!Copy !req
320. What did he say?
Get on the ground.Copy !req
321. Put the jewellery in the gag. Sorry?Copy !req
322. The jewellery, the jewellery.Copy !req
323. Are you saying "jewellery"?Copy !req
324. Yes! Put it in the gag.Copy !req
325. In the gag, the gag.Copy !req
326. He says, "Bag, bag!"Copy !req
327. Do it, gitch.Copy !req
328. Armed police, stay where you are!Copy !req
329. Don't come any closer.Copy !req
330. Stay back! He'll do it.Copy !req
331. OK... Easy.Copy !req
332. Go on, Steve, shave yourself!Copy !req
333. Shave myself? Just go.Copy !req
334. Come on! Give me a name!Copy !req
335. Anything?Copy !req
336. Five hours and not a word.Copy !req
337. Tough bastard.Copy !req
338. Posh Jaws!
Two!Copy !req
339. Theme from "Jaws"Copy !req
340. Oh, Lord, there's another one.Copy !req
341. Well, ladies and gentlemen, as we all
know, the city was in considerable perilCopy !req
342. from Professor Nucleon's
exploding waterCopy !req
343. until we were all saved by our superhero
friend, or as he likes to be known...Copy !req
344. .. Captain Todger.Copy !req
345. You're fucking welcome.Copy !req
346. Right, er, OK, so, there we are!
That concludes the press conference.Copy !req
347. Can't we ask Captain Todger
some questions?Copy !req
348. No, no. I'm afraid Captain Todger
is far too busy.Copy !req
349. Gladly. What can I do you for,
my darling?Copy !req
350. I'd just like to ask the Captain
what was going through his mindCopy !req
351. when he stopped the meteorite
hitting the cathedral?Copy !req
352. You mean, apart from knobbing?Copy !req
353. Yeah, I mean apart from... knobbing.Copy !req
354. More knobbing! Ba-boom!Copy !req
355. No, but to be fair, knobbing is going
through my mind all of the time.Copy !req
356. Especially when I'm talking to you,
sweetheart,Copy !req
357. and admiring your not inconsiderable
set of boobies, which are classic.Copy !req
358. Oh, for God's sake! What?Copy !req
359. I'm just complimenting the lady.Copy !req
360. I'm not sexist. I went on
that course, like you said,Copy !req
361. which was tough going, cos the bloke
running it was clearly a poof.Copy !req
362. (Shut up!) Sorry, poofter!Copy !req
363. But to answer your question, my
love,Copy !req
364. what you doing later? Ba-boom!Copy !req
365. An-yong, Hennimore.Copy !req
366. I'm sorry, sir?Copy !req
367. An-yong! Korean for "hello".Copy !req
368. I'm getting into the spirit of it,
you see, ready for tonight's banquet.Copy !req
369. If we can make a good impression
on this Korean delegation,Copy !req
370. the future of Prattleford Glue
will be secure for decades.Copy !req
371. And how better to impress them than
with an authentic Korean banquet?Copy !req
372. Good plan, sir.Copy !req
373. And what do Koreans eat, Hennimore?Copy !req
374. Dog, sir?Copy !req
375. It is apparently dog,
and I see no reason to check.Copy !req
376. Now, when the authentic Korean chefs,
none of whom speak a word of English,Copy !req
377. arrive at four,
I shall be in a meeting,Copy !req
378. so I want you to show them into room 1,
where the banquet is to be prepared.Copy !req
379. OK, sir.Copy !req
380. On an unrelated note, my wife and the
other members of the Pennesby Dog Club,Copy !req
381. none of whom speak a word of Korean,
will be here from about half three,Copy !req
382. having a little celebration,
following their success at Crufts.Copy !req
383. My wife is particularly proud
of her prize-winning lap dog,Copy !req
384. which, for reasons best known to
herself, she has named after you.Copy !req
385. I feel honoured, sir.Copy !req
386. So I said they can hold that
in room I.Copy !req
387. Oh, look at that! They've got
the labels the wrong way round.Copy !req
388. So, there'll be about 34 dogs
in there,Copy !req
389. all under their Crufts victory
cloches, which will be nice.Copy !req
390. Sounds lovely, sir.Copy !req
391. And I fail to see how even you, Hennimore,
can screw up two such simple events.Copy !req
392. You can rely on me, sir.Copy !req
393. BARKINGCopy !req
394. Oh, my poor Fifi!Copy !req
395. Fifi, no! My Fifi!Copy !req
396. They don't seem to have arrived yet.Copy !req
397. Oh...Copy !req
398. BARKINGCopy !req
399. Hennimore!Copy !req
400. Polite Taxi Driver!Copy !req
401. I'm so sorry. Are you talking to me?Copy !req
402. I thought you were talking to me.
Are you talking to me?Copy !req
403. Now before we re-join
the thrilling quarterfinalCopy !req
404. between Joe Swail and Nigel Bond,Copy !req
405. we've just got time to see again
that fascinating retrospectiveCopy !req
406. about the playing careers
of our veteran commentary team,Copy !req
407. Ted Wilkes and Peter DeCourcy.Copy !req
408. It's been me life.Copy !req
409. I've been obsessed with it
me whole life.Copy !req
410. That and snooker.Copy !req
411. So, yeah. That and the snooker.Copy !req
412. Was it Shakespeare who first said,
"What is snooker?"?Copy !req
413. Was it not?Copy !req
414. Well, it's in me blood,
plain and simple.Copy !req
415. But it can be treated with tablets.Copy !req
416. So, back to the snooker.Copy !req
417. I think it was the world final
that the fans wanted to see,Copy !req
418. me and Ted at the Crucible, 1975.Copy !req
419. We'd just broken into the top 16.Copy !req
420. Well, it was the top 14 then,Copy !req
421. cos there were only
14 professional players.Copy !req
422. It was a funny year,
the 1975 world championships.Copy !req
423. We'd just broken into the top 14,Copy !req
424. but then, obviously, there was
that tragic coach crash on the M56,Copy !req
425. which took out the top 12.Copy !req
426. So, what are your memories
of the '75 final?Copy !req
427. Well, it was just like a blur.Copy !req
428. Is it my go?Copy !req
429. It was the longest final
in Crucible history,Copy !req
430. which is particularly impressive,Copy !req
431. because in those days,
it was just the best of three.Copy !req
432. Yeah, we started on the FridayCopy !req
433. and the first ball
didn't go down till...Copy !req
434. Saturday lunchtime.Copy !req
435. Foul. Ted Wilkes - 4.Copy !req
436. Well, it's not easy
to play at your bestCopy !req
437. when you're under
that kind of pressure.Copy !req
438. 'But, fortunately, we did.'Copy !req
439. Foul. Peter DeCourcy - 4.Copy !req
440. Well, Peter was always the athlete.Copy !req
441. The man keeps in shape.Copy !req
442. Like many a gay.Copy !req
443. And, of course,
there was the CPR moment.Copy !req
444. Well, a lot is made of this,Copy !req
445. but it wasn't unusual in those daysCopy !req
446. for a player to need
a little bit of CPR during a match.Copy !req
447. HE GRUNTSCopy !req
448. I think I'm OK.Copy !req
449. Ooh...Copy !req
450. 'Has there been a change
in the snooker culture? Yes.Copy !req
451. 'Do the players
drink less now?Yes.'Copy !req
452. Do they manage to hit the ball
more often? Certainly, yes.Copy !req
453. Is this a good thing? Who knows?Copy !req
454. Psst! Aim for the finger!
Aim for the finger.Copy !req
455. Which one?Copy !req
456. This one.Copy !req
457. There's two.Copy !req
458. Oh, in-between them, then.Copy !req
459. In the end, of course, famously,
we shared the title that year,Copy !req
460. after industrial action cut the
match short after only two weeks.Copy !req
461. For me, that was the moment
when I thought,Copy !req
462. "Thatcher, bring it on!"Copy !req
463. And I've never paid tax since.Copy !req
464. Joke.Copy !req
465. Cut that out.Copy !req
466. Rude Gandhi!Copy !req
467. .. Which means, Mr Gandhi, that Partition
is the only workable solution.Copy !req
468. You can shove that up your arse,
you shit.Copy !req
469. HE FARTSCopy !req
470. Johnson, have you sent for Monsieur
Voirot, the brilliant detective?Copy !req
471. Yes, Captain,
he should be here directly.Copy !req
472. Excellent. Quite a piece of luck
his being a passenger.Copy !req
473. Ah, Capitaine! I hear we have had...Copy !req
474. How shall we say?a little
accident on board ze ship.Copy !req
475. Hello again, monsieur.Copy !req
476. Yes, remember that stowaway I was
telling you about at dinner last night?Copy !req
477. Well, I arrived in my cabin
and found him... dead.Copy !req
478. And as far as you know, he had no
friends or ENEMIES on board ze ship?Copy !req
479. None at all.Copy !req
480. It is indeed a mystery.Copy !req
481. And I've no idea how the murderer
got a piano in here.Copy !req
482. It is quite... How you say?
..a conundrum.Copy !req
483. Ah, right!Copy !req
484. Hello! Excuse me!Copy !req
485. What the hell is going on here?Copy !req
486. It's the Poirot-y sketch.Copy !req
487. The Poirot-y sketch?Copy !req
488. Yeah, that's what
we're doing this morning.Copy !req
489. What's the problem?Copy !req
490. I'll tell you what the problem is!
You're playing both parts.Copy !req
491. So?Copy !req
492. So, we're a double act,
there are two of us.Copy !req
493. How come you're playing
the captain and the detective?Copy !req
494. Well, I just thought, you know,Copy !req
495. that these sort of characters
are something I'm better at.Copy !req
496. It just, sort of, felt...
(AS VOIROT) .. right up my street.Copy !req
497. That's excellent.Copy !req
498. I should be playing one of these!
You can't do both!Copy !req
499. There are plenty of other parts, Robert.
You could play Nikolai, if you want.Copy !req
500. Oh, cheers(!)Copy !req
501. I don't want to be Nikolai!
I want to do one of these!Copy !req
502. Well, it just so happens that captains
and detectives are my thing.Copy !req
503. I play very high status and...Copy !req
504. Oh, I don't believe this!Copy !req
505. Egotistical, narcissistic!Copy !req
506. It's like you're using the show
to act out some sick fantasy.Copy !req
507. (MALE VOICE) Are you ready to
rehearse the sex scene again?Copy !req
508. Yeah, just a minute, love.Copy !req
509. What?Copy !req
510. This is completely justified!Copy !req
511. I am much sexier than you.
Huh! Thanks very much.Copy !req