1. - About bloody time.
- What's wrong with our little boy?Copy !req
2. Calm down, Mr and Mrs Chamberlain,
we've diagnosed your son's condition.Copy !req
3. - That's good news, isn't it?
- Er, yeah... well...Copy !req
4. - No, I'm afraid it isn't good news.Copy !req
5. Tamburlaine? Wake up.Copy !req
6. Tamburlaine can't hear you,
Mr Chamberlain.Copy !req
7. There's no nice way of saying this...
Your son is dying.Copy !req
8. - My little pumpkin!
- Hang on in there, Tamburlaine.Copy !req
9. Dying? What of?Copy !req
10. Embarrassment.Copy !req
11. Oh, mummy's brave little soldier!Copy !req
12. Have you been cutting up
his egg for him?Copy !req
13. Oh, look at the state of you.Copy !req
14. I've never seen levels
of embarrassment like this before.Copy !req
15. We estimate that he's got
six weeks left at most.Copy !req
16. Well, nothing's too good for him.Copy !req
17. We'll make these last weeks the best
ever, Tamburlaine, the best ever!Copy !req
18. We'll take you to Disneyland, you can
meet Mickey Mouse and shake his hand.Copy !req
19. We'll make them do a parade
just for you.Copy !req
20. We can get that singer he likes,
the one that did "Achy Breaky Heart".Copy !req
21. He can wake him with a song.
What was he called?Copy !req
22. - Right Says Fred.
- That's the one!Copy !req
23. You'd like that, poodle pops.Copy !req
24. Remember, you danced to it
at your Aunty Pauline's boob-job party.Copy !req
25. He was five. Little purple pageboy outfit
and a white sailor's hat.Copy !req
26. - So adorable! I've got photographs.Copy !req
27. Oh, no, that's him in bath.
Look at his little dinky doo.Copy !req
28. - We're losing him!Copy !req
29. Don't go! You haven't tried on
your new cardigan.Copy !req
30. Time of death, 11:26am.Copy !req
31. Mr Bongles is crying!Copy !req
32. We're gonna give you
the best funeral ever.Copy !req
33. Uncle Jeff will read
some of his blue limericksCopy !req
34. and I'll do my impression
of John Major singing "Thriller".Copy !req
35. - You'll never guess what I've done.
- What have you done?Copy !req
36. I've only gone and cut a hole in the back
of Gordon's bio-hazard suit.Copy !req
37. Hilarious.Copy !req
38. So this is house number three,
the wild card,Copy !req
39. and I think we'd better start
in the bathroom.Copy !req
40. So, this is the bathroom.Copy !req
41. - Oh, it's a good size.
- Yeah, shower-fitting.Copy !req
42. - Er, sorry, do you want to try again?
- Is there a problem?Copy !req
43. It's worth doing it again.
You forgot to say about the bath.Copy !req
44. - Say what about the bath?
- Oh, it'll be obvious.Copy !req
45. So, this is the bathroom.Copy !req
46. - Oh, this is a good size.
- Yeah, shower-fitting and a bath.Copy !req
47. - Was that better? I mentioned the bath.
- What kind of people are you?Copy !req
48. - Erm...
- The bath is not white!Copy !req
49. Er, no, it's sort of green, isn't it?Copy !req
50. It's avocado, you c***!Copy !req
51. The rule is that no one can live
with any bath that isn't white!Copy !req
52. If you look like you can on TV,
everyone'll think you're scum!Copy !req
53. You're supposed to say, "I couldn't live
with that bathroom suite,"Copy !req
54. and then we all agree
along with the whole of Britain.Copy !req
55. But what about people
who've fitted coloured baths?Copy !req
56. Nobody knows. Death camps,
sterilisation, living in sewers?Copy !req
57. Who cares?
They're not around anymore!Copy !req
58. So I advise you to march in stepCopy !req
59. with the rest
of the white bathroom-Ioving nation.Copy !req
60. Remember it like racism,
white is right!Copy !req
61. So this... is the bathroom!Copy !req
62. - Oh, this is a good size.
- Yeah, er, shower-fitting.Copy !req
63. I'm not sure I like the colour
of the bathroom suite, though.Copy !req
64. Urgh, yes! I mean,
could you live with it for a second?Copy !req
65. Could you stand to have a single bath
in there without being sick?Copy !req
66. How could you sleep,
knowing that in your houseCopy !req
67. mute ceramic witness was being paid
to your total inabilityCopy !req
68. to bow to prevailing taste?Copy !req
69. How could you let your children bathe
their pink vulnerable bodiesCopy !req
70. in a colour that famously clashes
with pink?Copy !req
71. Everyone knows children
look better in a white bath!Copy !req
72. Before you say, "That sounds weird,"
I mean alive or dead.Copy !req
73. So I ask you again,
could you live with that bath?Copy !req
74. Yes, yes, I could!
And I don't care who knows it!Copy !req
75. It's fine, I mean, it might not be
what I'd choose,Copy !req
76. but given that this is a room
in which I shit and wash my balls,Copy !req
77. I don't see it's particularly important
what the colour scheme is!Copy !req
78. Well said, darling. And I'll go one further,
it is a colour I'd choose, I like it.Copy !req
79. I'm sorry.Copy !req
80. I'm so sorry, my darling,
it's kinder this way.Copy !req
81. - I'm so sorry.Copy !req
82. That was for the best.Copy !req
83. Now, come on,
let's look at the guest bedroom.Copy !req
84. It's got flock wallpaper,
you'll know what to say.Copy !req
85. - I couldn't live with it.
- Could you live with it?Copy !req
86. I couldn't live with it.Copy !req
87. So Hitchcock goes to Selznick
and says,Copy !req
88. "I got this fantastic book I wanna make
a movie out of, it's called 'Rebecca'."Copy !req
89. And Selz goes, "Great!
Who do you want for Rebecca?"Copy !req
90. And Hitch says, "No one.Copy !req
91. "It's about this guy, marries a girl,
takes her back to his big old house,Copy !req
92. "and all anyone can talk about is
his first wife Rebecca, who's dead."Copy !req
93. And Selznick goes,
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! She's dead?Copy !req
94. "Listen up, you limey bastard,
you're in Hollywood now,Copy !req
95. "and in Hollywood,
you go see a film called 'Rebecca',Copy !req
96. "there better be a dame
called Rebecca in it. Got it?"Copy !req
97. And you know, Selznick was the money,
so first cut, we did it his way...Copy !req
98. 'Last night, I dreamt I went
to Manderley for the first time.'Copy !req
99. So, here we are, darling, Manderley.Copy !req
100. Oh, Max,
it's everything I hoped it would be.Copy !req
101. - We must hold the most wonderful party.Copy !req
102. Why, Maxim, whatever is it?
Are you unhappy?Copy !req
103. No, Rebecca, it's nothing. I...Copy !req
104. I was just wondering what
my second wife is going to be like.Copy !req
105. I bet she'll want to hold a party, too.Copy !req
106. Mrs Danvers, may I ask you something?Copy !req
107. Of course, madam.Copy !req
108. Mrs Danvers,
I... I should like to see the east wing.Copy !req
109. Oh, I'm afraid
that's quite impossible, madam.Copy !req
110. The master is keeping that wing just
as it is for the second Mrs de Winter.Copy !req
111. Oh. Surely in the meantime
he wouldn't mind me...Copy !req
112. No, madam,
no one ever goes in there... yet.Copy !req
113. Mrs Danvers, I must insist.Copy !req
114. But it's Mrs de Winter's wing.Copy !req
115. I am Mrs de Winter, for now.Copy !req
116. Oh, Maxim, I wish you could've come
to the boating lake, it was lovely.Copy !req
117. Max, you're not even listening to me.Copy !req
118. I'm sorry, dear, I was thinking about
a time when we'll be playing tennis.Copy !req
119. - Ha! How she'll love tennis.
- That's why I'm not allowed on the court.Copy !req
120. I'm surprised you didn't keep
the boating lake for her as well.Copy !req
121. No, we'll never use the lake
once you're gone,Copy !req
122. she'll find it too upsetting,
besides people will say it's haunted.Copy !req
123. Max...Copy !req
124. What the devil
do you think you're playing at?Copy !req
125. For God's sake,
go and change out of that thing!Copy !req
126. I don't understand,
it's only the dress in the portrait.Copy !req
127. The portrait of the second
Mrs de Winter!Copy !req
128. You knew!Copy !req
129. You knew this is the dress he wanted
the second Mrs de Winter to wear!Copy !req
130. Of course I knew,
because it's about time you learntCopy !req
131. that you won't be able to hold
a candle to her, I shouldn't think.Copy !req
132. Just look at her room.
Isn't it beautiful?Copy !req
133. Look at her clothes.
Aren't they wonderful?Copy !req
134. This is her garden party dress,
if she's a size 8.Copy !req
135. And here if she's a size 10,
and here if she's a size 12.Copy !req
136. You know, Max,
I think I could bear this, all of it,Copy !req
137. if only I knew that once
you were with her you'd be happy.Copy !req
138. Will you, Max, will you be happy
or will there be a third Mrs de Winter?Copy !req
139. Oh, yes, that's who I'm keeping
the other mansion for.Copy !req
140. You know Kerry
in the open plan upstairs?Copy !req
141. What, Sad Kerry or Danish Kerry?Copy !req
142. That's interesting, but I always think
of Danish Kerry as Gorgeous Kerry,Copy !req
143. and the one you think of as Sad Kerry
as Rebound Kerry.Copy !req
144. We shouldn't get into
what that says about you.Copy !req
145. Fair enough. But you've worked with
Rebound Kerry, you've got her number.Copy !req
146. You want me to give you her number
so you can go on a dateCopy !req
147. and see if she'll let you have sex?Copy !req
148. Please!Copy !req
149. It's like sharing an office
with Caravaggio.Copy !req
150. - You mean Casanova.
- Oh, Casanova, is it?Copy !req
151. You really do fancy your chances.
Right, I'm just toothing it from my cell.Copy !req
152. Oh, I wish you wouldn't use language
like that, anyone can walk in.Copy !req
153. - Toothing now, are you getting it?
- Please just read it out to me!Copy !req
154. Don't be ridiculous, this is much quicker.
Are you getting it?Copy !req
155. No, I'm not getting it, I'm waiting for you
to read out the numberCopy !req
156. using the ancient but efficient
communication technology of talking.Copy !req
157. Maybe it's a bit far away,
that's sometimes the problem.Copy !req
158. Have you got it now?Copy !req
159. Fine, you win! I'm now turning
on Bluetooth, I want to die.Copy !req
160. - See, it's quicker.
- It demonstrably is not.Copy !req
161. - It's better, though.
- Not really.Copy !req
162. - More fun?
- No.Copy !req
163. - Have you got it?
- No.Copy !req
164. Colin, it's digital information, not salt.Copy !req
165. Why isn't it working?
I think your mobile's broken.Copy !req
166. - It's all right, I'll email it.
- Please!Copy !req
167. - It's cheaper than texting.
- Just read out the frigging number!Copy !req
168. All right! Crikey!Copy !req
169. Sorry for trying to save you time,
in the long run.Copy !req
170. Sorry I can't chalk it on a little
blackboard like at infant schoolCopy !req
171. and take it to the nearest post office
just in time for the last pigeon.Copy !req
172. Do you not want me to have sex with
Kerry, is she your mum or something?Copy !req
173. Ray, I have absolutely
no interest in your penisCopy !req
174. or who or where
you want to put it near or in.Copy !req
175. - I will now read out the number.
- Thank you.Copy !req
176. So it's Kerry. Have you put that in?Copy !req
177. No, I prefer to put the number in first
and then save the name second.Copy !req
178. - Is this going to be the new problem?
- No, no problem at all.Copy !req
179. In predictive text Kerry comes out Jerry,Copy !req
180. and I wouldn't want you involved
in some humorous misunderstanding.Copy !req
181. Your keenness to avoid
humorous misunderstandingsCopy !req
182. is one of your more appealing qualities.Copy !req
183. Now, will you please give me
Kerry's telephone numberCopy !req
184. and in a way that is not
completely perverse?Copy !req
185. Add 44 or 02 zero,Copy !req
186. seven, ninety-four, six,Copy !req
187. nought thousand,
eight hundred and sixty-nine.Copy !req
188. Do you mean 02079460869?Copy !req
189. Yes, if you wanna be boring about it.Copy !req
190. Er, how much... how much
for the wardrobe?Copy !req
191. That one, mate? 250.Copy !req
192. That's quite a lot, isn't it?Copy !req
193. Not really, French oak,
1890s, gateway to Narnia,Copy !req
194. lovely marketry work
on the doors, 250.Copy !req
195. - Did you just say "gateway to Narnia"?
- That's right, love.Copy !req
196. - What, THE Narnia?
- Yes, mate.Copy !req
197. - Paperbacks are all 50p, mate.
- Sorry, witches, gnomes, all that?Copy !req
198. They prefer the term dwarves, but yeah.Copy !req
199. - Aslan?
- Oh, yeah, he's lovely. Bit mysterious.Copy !req
200. But he is a lion, so it's hard
to know what they're thinking.Copy !req
201. So what you've actually been to Narnia?Copy !req
202. Oh, yeah.
It's lovely, bit like the Cotswolds.Copy !req
203. And you're selling it
at a car boot sale because?Copy !req
204. I don't really need it any more,
you know.Copy !req
205. It was handy in the flat
to have outside space,Copy !req
206. but since we moved we've got
a garden and fitted wardrobes, so...Copy !req
207. Can we have a go?Copy !req
208. Oh, yeah, it all works,
knock yourself out.Copy !req
209. They're a pound, darling.Copy !req
210. Here, do you know
what I've done this time?Copy !req
211. - No.
- I couldn't help myself.Copy !req
212. I've only gone and taken the soup
out of Gordon's thermosCopy !req
213. and replaced it with the Ebola virus.Copy !req
214. You guys!Copy !req
215. That got him.Copy !req
216. Ha-ha! Come, my love,
the stag went...Copy !req
217. Oh, oh, God!Copy !req
218. - Oh, right, yeah, I remember.
- What do you reckon?Copy !req
219. We were in Narnia,
for years and years,Copy !req
220. and we became king and queen,Copy !req
221. and we were good and just
and we loved all the time,Copy !req
222. apart from when we had to do a battle
but we always won,Copy !req
223. and I had a little mouse
who was my servant who could speak.Copy !req
224. Did you? That's nice. I'll tell you what,
250, but I'll throw in free delivery.Copy !req
225. Yes, yes!Copy !req
226. - What?
- Well, I don't know, it's a bit...Copy !req
227. - It's a bit what?
- It's a bit nice, it's a bit Christian.Copy !req
228. What?Copy !req
229. Let's go and have another look
at that leather sofa.Copy !req
230. - But... Narnia?
- Mine, I think.Copy !req
231. Donkey rides, completely safe!Copy !req
232. Donkey rides,
£10 or vital supplies in kind.Copy !req
233. Can we go soon, sir, before another
dog takes an interest in my bottom?Copy !req
234. You asked for that, Ginger,
you arse-wiggling little tart.Copy !req
235. I didn't mean to wiggle it, sir, I was
just trying to relieve the usual itch.Copy !req
236. Hello, you look poorly.Copy !req
237. I'm the Queen of England,
what's your name?Copy !req
238. - Digby.
- Would you like my candyfloss, Digby?Copy !req
239. - I'd like the stick.
- Shut up, Ginger!Copy !req
240. Are you sure it's not
a cloud of poisonous gasCopy !req
241. sent by my Nemesis
to poison us both, Your Majesty?Copy !req
242. Silly. Arise, Sir Digby.Copy !req
243. Can I scratch my anus now,
please, sir?Copy !req
244. You should get better
and go to a hospital.Copy !req
245. Now put me down.
I have to have dinner with Beyoncé.Copy !req
246. Of course, your brilliant
French double agent.Copy !req
247. Ah, my mouth is melting!
Ah, poisonous gas, poisonous gas!Copy !req
248. Sir! Don't leave me, sir!
Don't leave me, sir!Copy !req
249. Not much time, must get to hospital.Copy !req
250. Need cover.Copy !req
251. Oh! Ow! The weird relief,
the weird relief!Copy !req
252. Your Majesty, to the A&E!Copy !req
253. 'In a world spinning rapidly
off its hinges,Copy !req
254. 'on streets cluttered with thugs peddling
disco biscuits and cheap fireworks,Copy !req
255. 'who's left to fight for honour, justiceCopy !req
256. 'and enough change for a bottle
of Happy Shopper Ouzo?Copy !req
257. 'Yes, it's the surprising adventures
of me, Sir Digby Chicken Caesar.'Copy !req
258. Listen carefully, Ginger,
the Queen was very specific.Copy !req
259. My Nemesis has disguised
his poisonous gas factory as a hospital,Copy !req
260. so as to pass off the poisonous gas as
harmless, very powerful pills and drugs.Copy !req
261. Was that exactly what she said, sir?Copy !req
262. This woman has given counsel to eleven
Prime Ministers not including myself.Copy !req
263. - Were you?
- I don't like to go on about it.Copy !req
264. I think she knows
what she's talking aboutCopy !req
265. when she tells us to come here
and steal all the pills.Copy !req
266. - One of my Nemesis's henchmen...
- Can I help you?Copy !req
267. - My friend's been brutally stabbed.
- And who did that to you?Copy !req
268. - He did.
- Al Capone.Copy !req
269. Right. This is an orthopaedics ward
you need to go downstairs to Casualty.Copy !req
270. For the Queen!Copy !req
271. Quick, Ginger! To the smack cabinet!Copy !req
272. 'How many narcotics must we consume
before the Empire is safe?Copy !req
273. 'What happened to my grant
from the Home Office?Copy !req
274. 'How much longer will Benjy's
remain the last shopCopy !req
275. 'not to have security men
on the door? Saps.Copy !req
276. 'Find out in the next thrilling instalmentCopy !req
277. 'of "The Surprising Adventures
of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar"! 'Copy !req
278. environmental catastrophe
of vast proportions.Copy !req
279. We asked the Minister for Shipping
to comment, but she just yawned.Copy !req
280. But who needs her,
when we've got you?Copy !req
281. What do you think about this issue?
Do you have any thoughts?Copy !req
282. What are those thoughts?
Will you tell us them?Copy !req
283. Any thoughts at all will do.
If you have them, we want to hear them.Copy !req
284. Are you personally affected
by this issue, then email us.Copy !req
285. Or if you're not affected,
can you imagine if you were?Copy !req
286. Or if you already are affected by it
but don't want to talk about it,Copy !req
287. can you imagine
not being affected by it?Copy !req
288. - Why not email and tell us?
- Yes, why not?Copy !req
289. What possible reason could there be
for you not to email us?Copy !req
290. Certainly ignorance shouldn't be a bar.Copy !req
291. You may not know anything
about the issueCopy !req
292. but I bet you reckon something.Copy !req
293. So why not tell us what you reckon?Copy !req
294. Let us enjoy the full majesty
of your uninformed, ad hoc reckonCopy !req
295. by going to
bbc. Co. Uk/meandmyimportantthoughtsCopy !req
296. all one word,
clicking on "what I reckon"Copy !req
297. and then simply beating on the keyboard
with your fists or head.Copy !req
298. Here's some of the feedback
we've had so far.Copy !req
299. Andrew from Eastbourne reckons
it's a sad indictment of the way we live,Copy !req
300. Matthew from Ilkley reckons it isn't.Copy !req
301. Patricia from Southampton wonders
what Wordsworth would sayCopy !req
302. and thinks she knowsCopy !req
303. and James from Amersham would like
the fire brigade quickly for God's sake,Copy !req
304. he's trapped, he's trapped.Copy !req
305. Thanks for those
and keep those emails coming.Copy !req
306. It is for some reason apparently vital
that you do.Copy !req
307. - That was a wordy one.
- Yeah, very clever, clever.Copy !req
308. Good job we've got this bit,Copy !req
309. just the two of us sitting
on our massive balls, farting.Copy !req
310. You're quite right,
cos it's nice to have a wordy sketch.Copy !req
311. Yeah, the failings of the IMF
does an opera that kind of thing.Copy !req
312. - Yeah.Copy !req
313. But then you need something like this
to provide a bit of balance.Copy !req
314. Doesn't really go anywhere, does it?Copy !req
315. No, and how do you end it?Copy !req
316. I suppose the obvious ending would be
one really long and incredibly loud fart.Copy !req
317. OK.Copy !req
318. So there are various holes
which we're hoping to fill.Copy !req
319. I know you've been working hard
to come up with suitable candidates.Copy !req
320. If we start with
the accountancy position,Copy !req
321. as it's the most straight-forward,
what are your thoughts?Copy !req
322. I have had an idea, I think you'll be
surprised but hopefully excited as I am.Copy !req
323. What do you reckon
to Lindsay Davenport?Copy !req
324. - Presumably not the tennis player?
- The former world number one, yes.Copy !req
325. Right, what are her qualifications?Copy !req
326. Well, she's won three Grand Slams,
an Olympic gold medal.Copy !req
327. - World number one...
- In tennis?Copy !req
328. Yes, this is all in tennis.Copy !req
329. She's known by fans
as thoughtful and well-balanced,Copy !req
330. and she's the tallest woman ever
to win a Grand Slam Singles title,Copy !req
331. so it's all good.Copy !req
332. Right, I just wonder, I mean
I'm totally with you here, Greg,Copy !req
333. in what way any of these things
qualify her for an accountancy job?Copy !req
334. Are you suggesting
that working out your payrollCopy !req
335. is harder than winning Wimbledon?Copy !req
336. No, it requires different skills.Copy !req
337. Dedication, determination, peak physical
fitness, excellent ground strokes.Copy !req
338. I'm not sure we'd need those last two.Copy !req
339. They couldn't do any harm,
look at Sue Barker.Copy !req
340. What does that even mean?Copy !req
341. Well, she never really
had the ground strokes.Copy !req
342. You're not convinced, I can tell.
It was just an idea, let's move on.Copy !req
343. Right. Head of Marketing.Copy !req
344. Well, I think I'm actually
gonna surprise you again.Copy !req
345. You're not suggesting
another tennis player?Copy !req
346. No, no, no. I was actually gonna
suggest the same tennis player,Copy !req
347. Lindsay Davenport.Copy !req
348. OK, I'm not sure what she has to offer
the world of business.Copy !req
349. You say that, but she's actually
recently been consideredCopy !req
350. for a major accountancy post.Copy !req
351. Greg, I haven't got much time,
let's move on again.Copy !req
352. The really important post which
we must fill is Chief Operating Officer.Copy !req
353. I'd like to hear what
your suggestions for that are,Copy !req
354. but I'm going to ask you
not to say Lindsay Davenport.Copy !req
355. OK, well, business is about
thinking outside the boxCopy !req
356. and not always working
to the brief you've been given.Copy !req
357. So I might be about
to surprise you againCopy !req
358. when I say that I am gonna
say Lindsay Davenport.Copy !req
359. I'll be honest with you, Tim,Copy !req
360. if you go for Lindsay as Chief
Operating Officer, there's one drawback.Copy !req
361. - Which is?
- A gap in Accountancy and Marketing.Copy !req
362. Greg, have you interviewed any
serious candidates for any of the jobs?Copy !req
363. To be honest with you,Copy !req
364. I was so impressed by the meeting
I had with Lindsay Davenport,Copy !req
365. that I pretty much called off the search.Copy !req
366. I mean, she is terrific, she's so tall.Copy !req
367. Have you actually got anyone else
on your books at all?Copy !req
368. Oh, yes, of course...Copy !req
369. There's erm... ahem...
Alan... erm... Davenport.Copy !req
370. Quite a coincidence.Copy !req
371. Yes, isn't it?
No, no, I'm just going through the 'D's.Copy !req
372. So tell me about Alan.Copy !req
373. Well, he's tall, likes tennis,
bit of a womanly bearing,Copy !req
374. excellent ground strokes,
known as Lindsay to his friends.Copy !req
375. Get out.Copy !req
376. What did you do that for?Copy !req
377. - Ahhh!
- Oh, hilarious, Gordon, really funny!Copy !req
378. - What did you do?Copy !req
379. Sprayed his pants with bubonic plague,Copy !req
380. and put a cobra in his helmet.Copy !req
381. I was signing a letter
when it struck me.Copy !req
382. I've never thought about my name
before, but suddenly it was so obvious.Copy !req
383. - What was?
- Surely you see it?Copy !req
384. David Mitchell, Mitch-ell...Copy !req
385. - Mitchell, yes...
- Mitchell or Mithchild.Copy !req
386. - Mithchild?
- Yeah, Mithchild.Copy !req
387. David, the child of Mith,
sort of like the Messiah.Copy !req
388. You think you're the Messiah?Copy !req
389. You have to admit
the evidence is compelling.Copy !req
390. Have you gone mental again?Copy !req
391. The Mithchild forgives you.Copy !req
392. - Tell me, James, what do they call you?
- James.Copy !req
393. And what is your surname,
he who they call James?Copy !req
394. You know what my surname is.Copy !req
395. Barkman...Copy !req
396. Man who barks, bark of tree
and bark of dog, trusty yet wooden.Copy !req
397. You travel with the Mithchild with
your gentle leaves and love of crisps.Copy !req
398. - Woman, who are you?
- Oh, fuck off.Copy !req
399. The Mithchild forgives you,
Olivia Coleman,Copy !req
400. coal man, man of coal,
man who delivers coal...Copy !req
401. May your carbon footprint not trample
on the Bark Man's delicate wood.Copy !req
402. That sounds rude.Copy !req
403. Entangle me not, Webb!Copy !req
404. The Mithchild fears
the gluey fronds of the spider...Copy !req
405. You get the general idea.
What do you reckon?Copy !req
406. What, as a way of being
sort of all the time?Copy !req
407. Yeah, the Mithchild. Any good?Copy !req
408. - I think I prefer you sort of normal.
- Normal, stay normal, good plan.Copy !req
409. Yeah, that's what I thought probably.Copy !req
410. I really liked it.Copy !req
411. The Bank of England
have announced interest rates...Copy !req
412. Sorry, I have to interrupt you there,Copy !req
413. we're getting reports
of some astonishing breaking news.Copy !req
414. It appears that an invasion of EarthCopy !req
415. by an unknown but vastly powerful
extraterrestrial aggressor is underway.Copy !req
416. Details are sketchy, but reports are
pouring in from across the worldCopy !req
417. of vast metallic crab-like creatures
laying waste to all they encounter.Copy !req
418. So, a massive and unstoppable
alien attack threatens the Earth.Copy !req
419. What's your reaction, are you
affected by the end of civilisation?Copy !req
420. Maybe you live on Earth or know
someone who does. How do you feel?Copy !req
421. Email us with your thoughts
on your imminent molecular evaporationCopy !req
422. at bbc. Co. Uk/emergencyapocalypse
address, all one word, and let us know.Copy !req
423. Already this issue seems to have
provoked a lot of comment.Copy !req
424. Lucinda Richards from London asks,Copy !req
425. "Will these aliens be required
to pay the congestion charge?Copy !req
426. "Somehow, I think not.Copy !req
427. "It's one rule for us and another rule
for alien beings."Copy !req
428. And Gerard from Dover called
our letter line number to say,Copy !req
429. "As I'm approaching my 80th birthday,Copy !req
430. "I think I'm entitled to comment
'twas ever thus.Copy !req
431. "I remember when a certain Mr Hitler
tried to overthrow this sceptred isle.Copy !req
432. "Like him, I think these aliens might find
Britons are harder to conquer than..."Copy !req
433. Then he just tails off into screams.Copy !req
434. A quick update if you're more interested
in the newsCopy !req
435. rather than what people you don't know
think about the news,Copy !req
436. London has fallen to the aliens.Copy !req
437. But more importantly I can also tell you
that Sophie from Manchester says,Copy !req
438. "Say what you like
about the alien killer-crabsCopy !req
439. "but by God they can
organise an invasion.Copy !req
440. "We have a lot to learn from them
though we better be quick."Copy !req
441. And lastly on a lighter note,Copy !req
442. Carl from Oundle writes,
"Where's Dr Who when you need him?"Copy !req
443. In fiction, I imagine.Copy !req
444. - He's right there, worst luck.
- Indeed.Copy !req
445. We're running out of time both
on the programme and just generally.Copy !req
446. My producer tells me that the giant
alien crabs have breached TV CentreCopy !req
447. and will imminently vaporise us all.Copy !req
448. And if you want to see that, log on
to our behind-the-scenes web cam.Copy !req
449. Simply go to bbc. Co. Uk/watchusfry,
all one word, and click on...Copy !req