1. This job just doesn't get any easier.Copy !req
2. - Was it you that found the body?
- Yeah, I found it by my caveCopy !req
3. next to my fire, first thing this morning.Copy !req
4. - And can I ask what you do?
- I'm a caveman, same as everyone else.Copy !req
5. - Of course.
- Yeah.Copy !req
6. So, I found the body first thingCopy !req
7. and I immediately went to
the caveman police.Copy !req
8. You did the right thing. Leave it to us.
An expert will determine cause of death.Copy !req
9. - Right.
- Here is Cavewoman Pathologist Ursula.Copy !req
10. - Morning, Detective.
- Morning, Ursula.Copy !req
11. - This could be an interesting one.
- Let's have a look.Copy !req
12. Oh, looks like this man was killed
with some kind of stone implement.Copy !req
13. Not again. It's rife.
Sometimes I think the whole advanceCopy !req
14. into stone technology's
been a double-edged sword.Copy !req
15. - A what? What did you say?
- I've no idea. Time of death?Copy !req
16. Er, I think I can narrow it down
to, er... sometime before now.Copy !req
17. OK, let's start investigating.
Did anyone see this man being killed?Copy !req
18. No.Copy !req
19. Right, I'm all out of ideas.Copy !req
20. All we know, is that at some point
before now,Copy !req
21. someone hit this man to death
with a stone and no one saw who it was.Copy !req
22. - The perfect crime.
- The perfect crime.Copy !req
23. Admiral, we bring shocking news.Copy !req
24. Two hours ago, our beloved Fuhrer
Adolph Hitler took his own life.Copy !req
25. Oh, right. That... that is sad.Copy !req
26. And you Admiral Donitz
have been named as his successor.Copy !req
27. Yes! Yes! Whoo!Copy !req
28. In your face, Goring!
Whoo! Yes! Whoo!Copy !req
29. Sorry, sorry, sorry, guys.Copy !req
30. Whoo! Eat it!Copy !req
31. This is... this is a great opportunity.Copy !req
32. Yeah.Copy !req
33. I-I've got Ioads of great ideas
for Germany.Copy !req
34. Mm, I think we should do
more autobahns, they're great.Copy !req
35. We need to look at pensions,
there's a growing housing shortage...Copy !req
36. - Er, listen.
- Ooh, sorry. Can I just make a quick call?Copy !req
37. Yes, mein Fuhrer.Copy !req
38. Nice.Copy !req
39. Hi, darling, yeah, it's me.Copy !req
40. You're never gonna guess,
they've made me the new Fuhrer.Copy !req
41. Yeah. Yeah, shot himself.Copy !req
42. Well, Frieda, this is an opportunity
that I've just got to take.Copy !req
43. Well, they were hardly gonna give me
the job when everything was going well.Copy !req
44. Look, we'll talk about this Iater, OK?Copy !req
45. But heil me, though, eh? Heil me?Copy !req
46. Oh.Copy !req
47. Right, where was I? Oh, yes, ideas.
When can we have a policy meeting?Copy !req
48. We've taken the Iiberty of
drawing up a Iist of priorities.Copy !req
49. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.Copy !req
50. So, here's General Eisenhower's
telephone number,Copy !req
51. here's the English for "we give up"Copy !req
52. and here's an analysis of
our military situation in one rude word.Copy !req
53. Right.Copy !req
54. You've taken the wind out of my sails.Copy !req
55. Sorry.Copy !req
56. Hang on, this... this isn't just one
of those pranksCopy !req
57. you play on all the new Fuhrers, is it?Copy !req
58. - No.
- Oh. Oh, I see.Copy !req
59. So, you... you just need someone
to say that we've surrendered.Copy !req
60. Seems silly, I know, but, erm...Copy !req
61. no, we just Iiterally do need
someone actually to say we've done that.Copy !req
62. - Right.
- It's red tape, really.Copy !req
63. You see, I-I thought I was gonna
get to be a proper...Copy !req
64. Yes, that was our fault. We, erm...Copy !req
65. We didn't mean to give you
that impression.Copy !req
66. All right, I'll make the call.Copy !req
67. Erm...Copy !req
68. Y-you wouldn't mind just doing me
a quick "Heil Donitz!" would you?Copy !req
69. Just so I can say I've had one.Copy !req
70. - I don't think that would...
- Please.Copy !req
71. Heil Donitz.Copy !req
72. Thanks, guys.Copy !req
73. Welcome to "Wordwang",
the spin-off series with a difference,Copy !req
74. and that difference is words.
Joining me are Julie from YorkshireCopy !req
75. and Simon who's from a factory
and made from metal.Copy !req
76. - Ever killed a man?
- No.Copy !req
77. - Simon?
- Yes.Copy !req
78. Great, let's play Wordwang.Copy !req
79. - Round one, Julie to play first.
- Shed.Copy !req
80. - Trowel.
- Buzz.Copy !req
81. - You buzzing in?
- No.Copy !req
82. That's Wordwang. Simon?Copy !req
83. - Smear.
- Towards.Copy !req
84. - Fastidious.
- That's Wordwang.Copy !req
85. On to round three, animals. Simon?Copy !req
86. - Mattress.
- That's Wordwang.Copy !req
87. - However.
- That's Wordwang.Copy !req
88. - Deforesting.
- That's Wordwang.Copy !req
89. - Lineage.Copy !req
90. Oh, bad Iuck, Julie, that's not an animal.
You lose two Ietters.Copy !req
91. So, UIi it's you to start
as we move on to the word board.Copy !req
92. Today's categories, countries of the world.Copy !req
93. Erm, I'll take Bethania, Fintanland
and the Independent Republic of Yeb.Copy !req
94. That's Wordwang. Simon?Copy !req
95. I'll have, erm... Mingy, Montestan
and, er... Ireland.Copy !req
96. Oh, bad Iuck, Simon,
I'm afraid Ireland's not a vegetable.Copy !req
97. You lose three Ietters.
Entering the final round,Copy !req
98. Im, you're Ieading with tarpaulin
and UIi, you're trailing with H.Copy !req
99. It's time for you to face
the Wordwangerator.Copy !req
100. Let's rotate the board.Copy !req
101. Welcome back to the Wordwangerator.
Word up, Im.Copy !req
102. - Brisket.
- Oh, good, UIi?Copy !req
103. - Parallel.
- Nice.Copy !req
104. - Nice.
- Nice.Copy !req
105. - Nearly.
- AImost.Copy !req
106. - Pinch.
- Embolden.Copy !req
107. - Arbitrarily.
- Oh.Copy !req
108. - Crevice.
- Crevasse.Copy !req
109. - Cravat.
- Tie.Copy !req
110. Yes, that is Wordwang!Copy !req
111. Im, you've beaten the Wordwangerator,Copy !req
112. making you today's Wordwang.Copy !req
113. UIi, you've been Wordwangerated,
making you today's anti-Wordwang.Copy !req
114. Until tomorrow...Copy !req
115. (ALL) Good Wordwang!Copy !req
116. Fifteen years we've been waiting
for them to fit that.Copy !req
117. Oh, and that's a bad miss.Copy !req
118. And young Mark Deacon will be very sad
to have missed that blueCopy !req
119. but hopefully not as sad as he was
about six months ago.Copy !req
120. Yes, indeed, I think the whole of snookerCopy !req
121. was very much behind Mark
in the terrible battleCopy !req
122. he's had with his own personal demons.Copy !req
123. Yes, I'm sure Mark
wouldn't mind it being knownCopy !req
124. that he has, of course, sadly
tried to top himself twice.Copy !req
125. Yes but that's many fewer times
than he's tried to reachCopy !req
126. the final of a ranking tournament...Copy !req
127. .. and he hasn't managed that either.Copy !req
128. I still think it was insensitive
of Steve Davis to say that to his face.Copy !req
129. That was cold.Copy !req
130. I mean, in the middle of the dance floor,
the end-of-season bash,Copy !req
131. and Steve Davis, your childhood hero,
is screaming at you,Copy !req
132. cheer the F up, you miserable C.Copy !req
133. That's enough to make anyone reach
for the paracetamol.Copy !req
134. I wouldn't like it.Copy !req
135. So, four bedrooms, off-road parking,
nice bit of garden at the back.Copy !req
136. (MAN) Great.Copy !req
137. Here we are.Copy !req
138. So, Tom's a banker.
What does Wendy do?Copy !req
139. - Er, I work for a charity.
- Oh, yeah, which one?Copy !req
140. It's a charity that provides counsellingCopy !req
141. and practical support
for survivors of torture.Copy !req
142. Torture, really? Ooh.Copy !req
143. I tell you what's torture round here,
the traffic.Copy !req
144. Getting round the North Circular,
I'm a torture survivor (!)Copy !req
145. - Right.
- No, not really.Copy !req
146. So, you must have some stories.Copy !req
147. - Erm...
- What's the worst thingCopy !req
148. that's happened to
anyone you've counselled?Copy !req
149. - Oh, you know, some not very nice things.
- Yeah, I'll bet.Copy !req
150. What's the worst thing?
The really gruesome stuff?Copy !req
151. - I don't think...
- What's the really, "My God, I can't believeCopy !req
152. "they do that to people"? The most
disgusting torture anyone's been through?Copy !req
153. - You really don't want to know.
- I do.Copy !req
154. - No, you don't.
- I really do. Come on, how bad can it be?Copy !req
155. Well, erm... I once worked
with someone who...Copy !req
156. .. and obviously coping with
that was very difficult for him.Copy !req
157. The en suite,
is that the only bathroom?Copy !req
158. You callous bitch.Copy !req
159. Standing around with your Iatte,Copy !req
160. Iooking for somewhere nice with
a garden in zone two,Copy !req
161. when you know what you know
about what goes on.Copy !req
162. - You have to remain detached.
- It's just a job for you, is it?Copy !req
163. Nine to five. "I'm sorry, Umbuloo,
that does sound like a pisser,Copy !req
164. "but I've got to go and see
a Iovely garden flat in Muswell Hill,Copy !req
165. "then someone's coming
to mend the dishwasher,Copy !req
166. "but that holds no terror for me
because I don't associateCopy !req
167. "a knock on the door
with unspeakable violation."Copy !req
168. Everyone has to have a day off.Copy !req
169. I need a fucking month off now.Copy !req
170. That has brought up a lot of things.Copy !req
171. - A lot of things.
- I didn't mean to...Copy !req
172. I think it's best if you go.Copy !req
173. Don't leave me.Copy !req
174. OK, so we're gonna try
and stage a bit of a reconstruction,Copy !req
175. see if it jogs anyone's memory.Copy !req
176. So the victim was on his way
back to his caveCopy !req
177. from hunting or starting a fire or...Copy !req
178. Well, that's it. Off you go.Copy !req
179. - When the attacker may have doneCopy !req
180. something like this.Copy !req
181. Something like that, we don't know.Copy !req
182. - Is HE dead now?
- Yeah.Copy !req
183. That's a very good reconstruction.Copy !req
184. Yeah.Copy !req
185. What's happened over the last 50 yearsCopy !req
186. is that shopping has become a Ieisure
pursuit that people can actually enjoy.Copy !req
187. Yeah, people have got more money and
everything's a hell of a lot more relaxed.Copy !req
188. - Can I help you, sir?
- Yeah, cheers.Copy !req
189. I'm just vaguely Iooking at suits right now,Copy !req
190. something cazh but also cool and dark
so you can wear it in the evening.Copy !req
191. A business suit that is simultaneously
a dinner suitCopy !req
192. - and a tail coat and a pair of pyjamas.
- Yeah, around the kind of 100, 150 mark.Copy !req
193. Which is fashioned from
sack cloth and string?Copy !req
194. - Sorry?
- Do you wish to look smartCopy !req
195. or are you Iooking for a newer version
of what you're wearing now?Copy !req
196. - If you've got something like this...
- Something Italian and ill-fittingCopy !req
197. and so shiny I can see my face in it,
in stark contrast to your shoes?Copy !req
198. Er... yeah.Copy !req
199. We do not.Copy !req
200. Sorry, what happened
to the friendly Australian girlCopy !req
201. - that used to work here?
- She's gone, sir. They've all gone.Copy !req
202. They've been driven out and the burning
remains of their tawdry ragsCopy !req
203. cast after them and we're back.Copy !req
204. - Who?
- The incredibly intimidatingCopy !req
205. and aristocratic people
who still unaccountably sell clothes.Copy !req
206. We don't like being talked to
by people with their hands in their pockets.Copy !req
207. - I beg your pardon.
- I'll overlook it just this once.Copy !req
208. - Listen...
- I've seen you in here before,Copy !req
209. slouching around
the place in your slip-on shoesCopy !req
210. and your motorcycle jacket, Iooking
like a mechanic who's won the pools.Copy !req
211. I've seen you with your tin earring
and your black-marketeer swagger.Copy !req
212. We've all seen you
and we all thought you were a turd.Copy !req
213. Do you wish to be smart
or do you wish to leave this placeCopy !req
214. as you entered it,
Iooking like a slack-jawed spiv.Copy !req
215. - Why are you treating me like this?
- I'm trying to help youCopy !req
216. to have standards.
I'm trying to make you knowCopy !req
217. that the world isn't pleased to see you.Copy !req
218. You aren't needed or included or Ioved.
You're ugly and superfluous and ignorantCopy !req
219. and you should be frightened
and meek and grateful.Copy !req
220. - Right.
- That's better.Copy !req
221. Now first things first, let's get you a hat.Copy !req
222. Do you think people will
like these private momentsCopy !req
223. where we're just being ourselves?Copy !req
224. This isn't private, there's a camera there.Copy !req
225. Well, no, but still it is more, you know,Copy !req
226. the kind of stuff where...
The sort of bits where...Copy !req
227. .. we're just you know...
chatting and kind of...Copy !req
228. I don't know how to put it... but,
you know.Copy !req
229. - This is all scripted.
- What?Copy !req
230. This is as made up as the rest of it.
This isn't improvised, look.Copy !req
231. BIoody hell. It says
I say "bloody hell" here.Copy !req
232. Yeah, I know, that's my cue.Copy !req
233. "David: Yeah, I know. That's my cue."Copy !req
234. Yeah. "Robert, reading, 'David:
Yeah, I know. That's my cue."Copy !req
235. - Just put that away.
- Says I don't.Copy !req
236. But what happens next?Copy !req
237. It says "Cut to a close-up of the script",
"It reads cut to a close-up of the script."Copy !req
238. "It reads cut to a close-up of the script."Copy !req
239. "It reads cut to a close-up of the script."
It goes on forever.Copy !req
240. - Shit!
- Yeah.Copy !req
241. You say "Shit",
that's the penultimate line.Copy !req
242. Oh, and that's a bad miss.Copy !req
243. Yeah, and viewers in the north
may once againCopy !req
244. be experiencing sound difficulties.Copy !req
245. - Come on...
- Oh, that'll do.Copy !req
246. Yes, well, that was a Iucky chance
for young Mark DeaconCopy !req
247. but as usual he approaches
the table with,Copy !req
248. how does one put it,
a face like a slapped arse.Copy !req
249. Have you ever seen that man smile, Ted?Copy !req
250. Only in his sleep, Peter, only in his sleep.Copy !req
251. Viewers might want
background on thatCopy !req
252. because I believe it was you, Ted,
who foiled one of Mark's...Copy !req
253. How shall we put it?
.. bids for oblivion, wasn't it?Copy !req
254. I-I have that honour.
It was... it was during the Welsh OpenCopy !req
255. and Mark had been knocked out that dayCopy !req
256. and I was just making me
way back to me hotel roomCopy !req
257. at around about four
in the morning from the barCopy !req
258. and as Iuck would have it
Mark had the room next to me in the hotelCopy !req
259. and something had been up all weekCopy !req
260. 'cause I heard him late at night singing the
snooker words to "Lady in Red".Copy !req
261. I should explain to viewers
that there are some special snooker wordsCopy !req
262. to the pop song "Lady in Red",
which all of us in snooker know.Copy !req
263. They're secret special snooker words
to "Lady in Red" that we all know.Copy !req
264. Viewers are perhaps interested to know
what the secret snooker wordsCopy !req
265. to "Lady in Red" actually are.Copy !req
266. Yes, but unfortunately,
we're all sworn to secrecy.Copy !req
267. Anyway, Mark's hotel bedroom
door was openCopy !req
268. and I could hear water running.Copy !req
269. Tell us again what you did, Ted.Copy !req
270. Yeah, well, well, I went in there
and I made him sick it all up,Copy !req
271. but he was inconsolable,
kept going on about his cueingCopy !req
272. which is far from perfect
but I didn't say that.Copy !req
273. You did right.Copy !req
274. I-I remember I-I just held him for hours,Copy !req
275. until he stopped sobbing
and managed slowly to drift off to sleep.Copy !req
276. That was very kind of you, Ted,
especially with your back.Copy !req
277. It... it was murder, Peter,
but at least it wasn't suicide.Copy !req
278. In Tudor times, you'd have just settled
into your bath of baked beans or water,Copy !req
279. we're using baked beans
to make it more fun,Copy !req
280. when you think, I can't reach
my bar of soap without getting outCopy !req
281. and getting spats of baked bean
or more Iikely water,Copy !req
282. but we're using baked beans to make it
more fun, all over my Tudor floor,Copy !req
283. and there was no Iino in those days.Copy !req
284. So, the Tudors came up with a solution
which was two-fold.Copy !req
285. So, first of all there's the horn which
you sound to alert your Tudor servant...Copy !req
286. but they wouldn't always hear you
because deafness was a problem then,Copy !req
287. what with the Wars of the Roses and the
gigs, so they also had this contraption.Copy !req
288. How it works is you turn the handle
and pull down on the IeverCopy !req
289. and it extends the arm. Normally
there'd be a grabber on the endCopy !req
290. but we're using a boxing glove
'cause it's more funCopy !req
291. and as you can see it actually
reaches the soapCopy !req
292. and yes, yes, I've... I've touched the soap.Copy !req
293. (ON TV) I've actually touched the soap.
Eureka!Copy !req
294. Has it nearly finished, Jim?Copy !req
295. That's it.Copy !req
296. Now, what about that sex we discussed?Copy !req
297. All aboard that's going aboard.
I've got potato crisps on my feet.Copy !req
298. Jim, I've been meaning to say.Copy !req
299. Could we have sex like we used to
without the wackiness?Copy !req
300. What wackiness?Copy !req
301. The cycle helmet
and the crisps and the shouting bingo.Copy !req
302. Bingo!Copy !req
303. - Remember when you were sexy.
- Sexy?Copy !req
304. You're a very, very sexy man, Jim,
you've just forgotten.Copy !req
305. Sounds a bit po-faced.Copy !req
306. I was going through some
of your old things the other day.Copy !req
307. Look at this stuff. You were cool.Copy !req
308. You were an angry,
brilliant young historian.Copy !req
309. You used to order Martinis
and only buy cigarettes in soft packs.Copy !req
310. I just feel so empty.Copy !req
311. Thanks for trying.Copy !req
312. - I was a toss pot.
- Well, maybe a bit,Copy !req
313. but couldn't you pretend to be
like that again?Copy !req
314. Oh, all right, Anne.
Oh, oh, it's so serious, foreplay, foreplay...Copy !req
315. - You're not trying.
- Well, I can't do it, Anne.Copy !req
316. You won't make me regret the day
I learned how to make facts fun.Copy !req
317. I'm never going back.
This is it now, Anne,Copy !req
318. with my helmet,
my horn and my folding bicycle,Copy !req
319. I've made millions
give a shit about the seed trailCopy !req
320. and if you don't mind
I'm just gonna go and wank off about that.Copy !req
321. Oh, Jim!Copy !req
322. Oh, oh, oh, bingo.Copy !req
323. - Bingo!Copy !req
324. Please do it without the honking!Copy !req
325. You know perfectly well
that without the honking nothing happens.Copy !req
326. Ooh, ah, ow...Copy !req
327. So, David you're a comedian,
are you? That sounds like fun.Copy !req
328. Yes, I suppose it is.Copy !req
329. Actually, there are a couple
of funny things happen in a chiropractice.Copy !req
330. You could probably use them
in your comedy show.Copy !req
331. Seriously?Copy !req
332. Well, you probably have people
suggesting stuff all the time.Copy !req
333. I wish. No, we're really stuck for ideas.
What have you got?Copy !req
334. Oh, well, erm... there's funny words
like coccyx,Copy !req
335. which sounds a bit like, er... I don't
need to tell you. You're the comedian.Copy !req
336. Cock! Of course, yes. It sounds
like cock, certainly a Iaugh in that.Copy !req
337. - Oh, super.
- Anything else? We really are screwed.Copy !req
338. Any whacky incidents or zany people?Copy !req
339. Well, there's my assistant Debbie.
She's quite a character.Copy !req
340. Brilliant, a character.
So... so, how's she a character?Copy !req
341. Er, well, she sometimes wears a hat.Copy !req
342. A hat, good, that can be funny.Copy !req
343. This is great, coccyx, a hat.
We'll certainly use both of those.Copy !req
344. Anything else?Copy !req
345. No, that's it, I'm afraid.
Those are the two funny things.Copy !req
346. Oh, that's a shame because
I must stress we really are out of ideas,Copy !req
347. and if you can't think of anything,
we'll probably do this.Copy !req
348. - What, this conversation?
- Yeah.Copy !req
349. Wow, that's exciting.
So, what? You'd play me?Copy !req
350. No, I'd play myself.Copy !req
351. - What, so I'd play me, then?
- No, no, we'd get Robert to do it.Copy !req
352. Well, does he look like me?Copy !req
353. Yeah...Copy !req
354. Er, I don't know. You're not gonna try
and make me look ridiculousCopy !req
355. just to get a cheap Iaugh, or give me
a gratuitous speech impediment.Copy !req
356. No, no, of course not.Copy !req
357. Oh, I'm worried that you're just gonna try
and humiliate me on the telly.Copy !req
358. No, not... not at all. I suppose
we might heightenCopy !req
359. the reality a Iittle for comic effect.Copy !req
360. Hello, Debbie.Copy !req
361. Here's your paperwork, sir.Copy !req
362. (Man) Excuse me. Sorry, sorry.
I'm really sorry to interrupt,Copy !req
363. but... Excuse me, sorry.Copy !req
364. I'm David Mitchell's real chiropractor and..Copy !req
365. I'm actually quite upsetCopy !req
366. because, I mean, this isn't...
Well, that wasn't...Copy !req
367. That wasn't anything like the conversationCopy !req
368. we had in my office the other week.Copy !req
369. F-For a start,
I don't sound anything like that.Copy !req
370. Sorry.Copy !req
371. And secondly while I was easing off
his sciatic nerve,Copy !req
372. I told David Mitchell several
genuinely amusing chiropracting stories.Copy !req
373. Like the time I was treating
Tony BIackburn and afterwards he said,Copy !req
374. "If anyone here's the real disc jockey,
it's you", which was hilarious.Copy !req
375. That was good, yeah.Copy !req
376. I've still got it.Copy !req
377. The blood of Christ keep you in eternal life.Copy !req
378. The blood of Christ keep you in eternal life.Copy !req
379. Search the altar, Ginger.
Search the altar.Copy !req
380. In a time future historians will one day
call the past, at a place I wish I could name,Copy !req
381. who's left to look out for the man in the
street in case he wants his mobile back?Copy !req
382. Yes, it's the Surprising Adventures of me,
Sir Digby Chicken Caesar.Copy !req
383. Do you know who I am?
Do you know who I am?Copy !req
384. Ginger, do you know who I am?Copy !req
385. You're Sir Digby Chicken Caesar, sir.Copy !req
386. Oh! Of course, thanks.Copy !req
387. The story so far. In my continuing quest
to find out just who is behind it allCopy !req
388. and by all, I do mean all,Copy !req
389. Ginger and I have been invited to an
evening at her Majesty's pleasureCopy !req
390. - but we can't go because we're in prison.
- I've got a plan.Copy !req
391. Officer, he's done it,
he's gone and done it.Copy !req
392. I tried to reason with him,
but he wouldn't listen.Copy !req
393. Ah, I wish I knew
how you did that, Ginger.Copy !req
394. Well, sir, my dad used to hang me
regularly as a child.Copy !req
395. Those were the good days.Copy !req
396. - What happened on the bad days?
- He tried to have sex with me.Copy !req
397. Oh, yes, sorry. Still that was ages ago,
you must be over it by now.Copy !req
398. Oh, yeah, I think my life's more or less
on track now.Copy !req
399. All right, sir.Copy !req
400. Shall we go down the arcade
and look for ten pees?Copy !req
401. Ah, a search for clues,
good thinking.Copy !req
402. To the slotties!Copy !req
403. Where will my nemesis
make his first inevitable mistake?Copy !req
404. Will he abolish the duty on cider,
leave Oyster cards lying aroundCopy !req
405. or will he fall
for my latest cover identity,Copy !req
406. the pimp for some Filipino teenagers?
Find out next weekCopy !req
407. in the "Surprising Adventures
of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar".Copy !req
408. Piss off!Copy !req
409. - I got one!
- Ginger, you bastard!Copy !req
410. Oh, and that's a cracking pot.Copy !req
411. And yet not so much as a flicker
of joy on Mark Deacon'sCopy !req
412. jowly death mask of a face.Copy !req
413. I mean, he must be pleased.Copy !req
414. He's just one of these people
who finds it very difficult to be happy.Copy !req
415. He thinks too much,
that's his problem.Copy !req
416. I keep saying to him, "Mark, don't go so far
inside your head with the snooker.Copy !req
417. "The soul is like a pocket.
There's no coming out,Copy !req
418. "unless you're a colour or the white."Copy !req
419. Peter, I know you
won't mind me saying,Copy !req
420. and Mark certainly won't, but you've been
a tremendous support to MarkCopy !req
421. over the last couple of years,Copy !req
422. especially that other time
he took two hundred pills.Copy !req
423. I picked up the phone, Ted, that's all I did,Copy !req
424. - I happened to be there, Mark rang me.
- Was it a call for help?Copy !req
425. - In a way it was.
- What did he say?Copy !req
426. He said "Help. Help me, Peter.Copy !req
427. "Me safety play's all to crap.
I can't go on."Copy !req
428. You were straight in the car
and round there, weren't you?Copy !req
429. Just as soon as I got the Swingball
in the boot, yes.Copy !req
430. Now, Peter, for those of us
that don't know the story,Copy !req
431. explain the significance of the Swingball.Copy !req
432. It was a crazy notion that I had
that it would help to relax him,Copy !req
433. and so I got him out in the garden,
in the dark,Copy !req
434. playing Swingball,
tears streaming down his faceCopy !req
435. and I... and I said to him,Copy !req
436. "Mark, be honest, is this not
a Iittle bit better than being dead?"Copy !req
437. - And what did he say, Peter?
- He said yes, Ted.Copy !req
438. And we played Swingball
all through that beautiful night,Copy !req
439. until the sun came up and things
started to feel a Iittle better.Copy !req
440. Well, Mark, this is for you.Copy !req
441. That's for you, Mark.Copy !req
442. Keep on keeping on.Copy !req
443. God bless and cheer the fuck up.Copy !req