That Mitchell and Webb Look 1x4

1. I mean, I'd say I was working class, but then I went to university.

2. I mean, we all did, so does that necessarily make me middle class?

3. I still read the "Daily Mirror".

4. Why not? It's a damn good paper, but then I also get "The Guardian",

5. so what's that saying?

6. It's just that whole pigeon-holing thing that I object to, I mean...

7. Steve...

8. What?

9. At the end of chapter two, Henry questions his own motives in pursuing the case

10. and wonders if Sarah's telling him the whole story about the divorce.

11. - I'm just gonna stop you there, Anthony. - Sure.

12. Yeah, we've just reached the end of chapter two

13. and I can't for the life of me tell what the hell's going on.

14. I mean, you know, Henry, Sarah, these are just words, really.

15. - Right. - It's all great, Anthony, but I just wonder...

16. Just as an example, I mean, not this. I mean, not this at all. Don't do this,

17. but what if, say, the main character dies at the end of chapter one?

18. - If... if... - Not that, but something like it.

19. I mean, not like that, but... yeah?

20. - Er... - What if, I mean not this, ignore this.

21. What if Henry, although obviously not, if he had sex,

22. I mean, not sex, but sex right at the beginning, with Sarah.

23. - Not Sarah, but, you know? - Henry has sex?

24. No, forget the sex. I'm just throwing things out there.

25. I mean, you're the author, you know what you're doing, I'm just here to help.

26. - No, I appreciate that. - So what if it's not that but it's "Jaws"?

27. But isn't there already a book called "Jaws"?

28. Not Jaws the shark, but, yeah, maybe a big shark.

29. And I mean, not that, but Sarah falls in love with a shark.

30. - Sarah falls in love... - I mean, that kind of thing.

31. I mean, maybe it's not a shark, but it's a squid, or a pebble, or a policeman.

32. Er... you know, I mean, not them. None of them, yeah?

33. - So... - I am making sense, right?

34. I mean, not sense but, you know.

35. - Yeah, so at the start... - Well, not the start, but, yeah...

36. - .. Henry either dies or has sex... - Yeah.

37. Neither.

38. Leaving, not Sarah...

39. Oh, no. God, no. Not Sarah.

40. Unless it's Sarah.

41. To... to... er... fall in love with...

42. - Oh... - .. or not in love...

43. - Ooh... - .. with a shark, squid, pebble, policeman,

44. or none or all of the above?

45. That's it! That is it! Write that. Absolutely write that.

46. Or... don't.

47. OK, guys, this sort of scene can be a bit embarrassing,

48. so just try and be as relaxed as possible.

49. - Right. - OK, yeah, sure.

50. Just turn over. Sound speed.

51. - (MAN) Scene 28, take 1. - Marker.

52. (MAN) And action.

53. Now we know. Now we know. Now we know...

54. - Erm... - Er, cut.

55. - Er, John. - Yeah.

56. You were talking.

57. - Was I? - Yeah, you said, "Now we know."

58. - "Now we know"? - Yeah.

59. - Did I? - Yeah, you did a bit.

60. Oh, right. God, how weird. Sorry.

61. - Not to worry. Let's go again. - (MAN) OK, turn over, please.

62. Sound speed.

63. (MAN) And action.

64. Oh...

65. Now we know. Now we know. Yeah, now we know.

66. - Cut! - Oh, sorry. Sorry.

67. I know what that was. I was in her Iight.

68. Er, er, a bit... No. More it's...

69. - sort of the same thing again, really. - What?

70. The saying, "Now we know."

71. What, again?

72. - Did I, Carrie? - Yeah, you keep saying, "Now we know."

73. God, that is so... I had no idea. Why would I do that?

74. We don't know.

75. Oh, well, I'll cut that right out.

76. OK, we'll just try again and this time keep an eye on the...

77. "Now we know." Yeah.

78. (MAN) Turn over. Sound speed.

79. Marker.

80. Action.

81. Oh, now we know. Now we know.

82. Now we know. Now we know. Now we know...

83. - Cut - Now we know. Now we know...

84. - Cut. - Now we know. Now we know...

85. Cut!

86. You're both doing it now.

87. - You're kidding. Are you doing it? - Apparently.

88. Right, look. Let's go again, but this time we won't take sound.

89. We'll get the pictures, I'll talk you through it

90. and we can put the sound on afterwards.

91. OK. Sorry.

92. New board, please. Turn over.

93. (MAN) And action.

94. That's great, John. Yeah, Iots of passion.

95. Yeah, that's good, Carrie.

96. Mind the shadow there. Maybe roll round a bit.

97. Yeah.

98. Yeah.

99. Oh, yeah.

100. Now we know.

101. Now we know.

102. Oh, yeah, we know now.

103. Now we know.

104. And he walked by on the other side leaving the man helpless,

105. but then who should wander by, but a Samaritan, of all people,

106. and he actually helped the man.

107. - Hang on, master... - No, he did, he went over and actually...

108. - No, sorry. - No, no.

109. I mean, this is what I'm saying. That a Samaritan, all right,

110. so have a good think about your attitudes, went and helped...

111. - Yeah, no, I see... - No, no, stick with it.

112. Cause what I'm saying is that he was a Samaritan.

113. That's GOOD Samaritan, if you could imagine such a thing.

114. Yes, yes, I can. I think we all can.

115. I know there's a lot of prejudice against Samaritans, which is terrible,

116. but I'm sure I speak for everyone

117. when I say that there are Ioads of really nice Samaritans.

118. Yeah, some of my best friends are Samaritans.

119. Me and the wife went on holiday to Samaria last year. They were Iovely people.

120. - Couldn't do enough for you. - Yes, so...

121. What I'm finding offensive, and I'm sure I'm not the only one,

122. is your unreflecting acceptance of this cliche that all Samaritans are wankers.

123. No, I'm saying he was good.

124. But you're implying that the fact that he was good is worth a story in itself.

125. It's some kind of weird curiosity, like an albino Nubian.

126. No, I'm saying that goodness comes in unexpected places.

127. I'm saying that the fact that you wouldn't expect goodness from a Samaritan

128. betrays your inherent racism.

129. OK, OK. All right, that's a big word. Let's just take a deep breath here.

130. I didn't mean to offend. That's the last thing I intended.

131. I didn't realise there were any Samaritans in the room.

132. - That's not the point. - Or Samaritan sympathisers.

133. - You know, Sammy Iovers. - I can't believe I'm hearing this.

134. No, no, no, no. I didn't realise it was such a PC environment here

135. and I suppose I thought that having what was only intended as a fond pop

136. at our Samaritan neighbours, friends even, if you like,

137. would not be inappropriate in the context of a story about goodness,

138. and at the end of the day, it is only a parable.

139. - It didn't really happen? - Of course not.

140. A Samaritan tosser wouldn't do that for his own grandmother.

141. - Jesus Christ! - Jesus!

142. What

143. So, Steve, do you...

144. .. follow the football?

145. - Painted Lady romped home in the third. - Yes. Oh, and that's a bad miss.

146. Oh, yes, he thought that was in. That is a shame.

147. Look at the way Jimmy Logan's shoulders are sagging as he retreats from the table.

148. Another blow to the people's favourite in what has been, as we all know,

149. a very difficult eight or nine years for Jimmy.

150. Well, he's certainly been struggling for form.

151. He's been struggling for money is what he's been struggling for, Peter,

152. and he's not earning any sitting there watching a much younger man clear up.

153. Yes, young Terry Stevens there,

154. potting away like the whole world's made of pocket.

155. While Jimmy there is out of pocket, in more ways than one.

156. Out... of... pocket

157. Yes, that was a good one.

158. Hiya. God, you look wiped out. Are you OK?

159. Hang on.

160. - Yeah, you know. - Tough day on the ward?

161. Yeah, yeah. Couple of new admissions,

162. Iittle Iad with a pronounced heart murmur, poor Iittle kid.

163. I think he's gonna pull through, but Sari's back on the ventilator,

164. which meant I had to Iiaise with the consultants at King's.

165. Mm, those guys.

166. Exactly. Yeah, it's hitting bed crisis time, and...

167. I just don't know where I can physically fit any more severely ill children on my ward.

168. Still, listen, sorry to unload on you. How was your day at the ice cream factory?

169. Oh, you know... fine.

170. Come on, it's OK, you can say.

171. Well...

172. ..I guess it was a bit of a hard day at the ice cream factory.

173. Oh, right. Poor you.

174. - Compared to your day it was nothing... - We've been through this.

175. Just 'cause I'm a paediatrician dealing with severely ill children

176. doesn't mean that you can't have a tough day

177. tasting ice cream at the ice cream factory.

178. They're really pushing the rum-and-raisin.

179. Trying to ride the kitsch revival that bombed with the raspberry ripple.

180. - You remember that whole shit storm. - Look, we've got a similar situation.

181. I'm having to spend a lot more time than usual on the ward for children who...

182. sadly, we know just aren't going to get better, and it's hard

183. 'cause you look into their parents' eyes and really just don't know what to say.

184. Yeah, yeah, that is quite similar, isn't it?

185. You know, sometimes, Keith, I feel that...

186. ice-cream tasting isn't, somehow, as...

187. important as Iooking after sick and dying children.

188. Oh... Oh, of course it is. Look, I work hard saving children Iives,

189. but you work just as hard to ensure they've got some Iovely ice cream to enjoy

190. when they do get better.

191. Yeah, yeah, that sounds good.

192. Right, I'd better go up and do some course work for my human rights Iaw degree.

193. - What about you? - Oh, I think I'll just stay down here...

194. wanking.

195. So, obviously it isn't finished, but... was this the kind of thing you had in mind?

196. Er... yeah. I tell you what it is, Leonardo,

197. it's definitely along the right Iines, but can I just throw something in?

198. I mean, just as an example. So, I mean, not this, but if it kind of came,

199. like I mean, not this, not this,

200. I mean, obviously not this, but if it did a kind of...

201. you know, I mean, not this at all.

202. I mean, you're the artist, so you'd probably do this much better than me,

203. but if it was more kind of... well, that kind of... Yeah?

204. So, something like that. I mean, not that, but... that.

205. - (MAN) OK, back in five... - I'm sorry it didn't work out for you two.

206. I know I was Lucy's friend first, but I really feel for you both.

207. If there's anything I can do.

208. No, it's all right. I mean, at least it's amicable. You know, we're still talking.

209. Right, yeah.

210. Is that a good idea, do you think?

211. No, right, yeah. I mean, what would you advise?

212. For what it's worth, take a box of her belongings that you've still got

213. round to where she's Iiving now and burn them in the front garden

214. while doing a sort of dance.

215. And then you should probably write the word "bitch" in weed killer on her Iawn.

216. - Right. - And then what you should do is

217. go round to where she works, plant some crack in her desk and call the police.

218. - What are we talking about? - Oh, just the Lucy situation.

219. - Shall I leave you to it? - No, it's fine, mate.

220. OIivia was just giving a bit of advice.

221. - Have we planted the crack? - I was just saying...

222. Mate, you've gotta do that. When my last relationship ended

223. I felt so much better at the point where I felt comfortable planting the crack.

224. A Iittle tip I picked up, every time you think of her have a quick whisky.

225. OK.

226. - Hi, everyone. Are we talking about Lucy? - Yeah.

227. - Here, I got you a whisky. - Oh, thanks.

228. That's the way. What stage are we at?

229. I haven't even planted the crack yet.

230. Oh, you can't rush these things.

231. Does she have a pet?

232. Er... yeah.

233. You should kill it. In a weird way. Leave it for her.

234. Make sure she knows you did it, otherwise how's she gonna know it's over?

235. - Well... I'm just not sure that it is over. - Mm...

236. Well, it will be then.

237. Hello and congratulations.

238. Your telephone number has been specially selected in our Wednesday draw.

239. You have definitely won a major prize,

240. perhaps even our star prize of a massive yacht.

241. That's right. As soon as the admin fees have been processed we will rush you a...

242. Hello? Hello?

243. - It's happened again. - He hung up?

244. Yes, and I was in the middle of a sentence.

245. Why will no one accept my massive yacht?

246. It's the same with me. It's as if the public has lost its taste for massive yachts.

247. But what else are we to do? Here we are, three eccentric billionaire brothers...

248. Indeed. We've all made far more money than we could possibly need...

249. And we have all these massive yachts.

250. Who better to have them than the deserving owners of

251. specially pre-selected telephone numbers.

252. - Yet it never seems to work out like that. - No.

253. They just hang up. It's the height of rudeness.

254. Could it be something about our voices?

255. Hardly, our voices are warm and reassuring.

256. Don't tell me we spent all that time during our childhood

257. going to elocution Iessons every Tuesday for nothing.

258. Could it be the admin fees that are putting them off?

259. That's ridiculous. The admin fees are only a few hundred quid,

260. whereas the massive yachts are worth thousands.

261. I know, I know.

262. Someone's gotta pay the admin fees,

263. there's a lot of admin accumulates around the giving away of a massive yacht.

264. Not to mention postage and packing.

265. Well, then, it's a mystery.

266. Yes. Yes. Yes.

267. Brothers, all aboard one of our remaining massive yachts.

268. We may already have won a timeshare in FIorida.

269. Hello. What's this, "Jump off a cliff, $2"?

270. - That's it, yeah. - Sounds exciting.

271. Oh, yeah, can't beat it. Jump off a cliff, wind through your hair,

272. beautiful panorama of the sea, waves crashing on the rocks beneath you,

273. Iittle boats in the harbour to the east.

274. And to the west the Atlantic, with waves as high as hills

275. and the briny scent of trade, possibility, other Iands. Two quid.

276. What a bargain. Right so what do I do?

277. Take a good run up, so you can push yourself good and far off the edge,

278. then just see how the mood takes you.

279. Great. I mean, I am a bit nervous of heights. Does that matter?

280. Well, I'll be honest with you, it's not ideal. Depends how bad you got it,

281. 'cause if it's just a few butterflies, I'd say go for it

282. 'cause while there is a bit of a height thing to start with,

283. - that does get better quite quickly. - Right. But it's all fine.

284. Oh, yeah, yeah, it's all fine. Jump off a cliff, it's absolutely fine.

285. - I won't get hurt? - Really? Oh, that's good.

286. What?

287. No, it's just some people get a bit bruised, I imagine.

288. I mean, I don't know, I prefer not to look.

289. Right, so how do I find my way back up if I want to do it again?

290. Er, people usually find that once is enough, actually.

291. I mean, it is fun but you only need the one.

292. - Like a hot chocolate. - Yeah.

293. OK, one to jump off a cliff, please.

294. And that'll be two quid.

295. - You actually doing it? - Yeah.

296. OK.

297. Tried to stop him.

298. Good evening and welcome to "Big Talk". I'm Raymond Terrific,

299. standing at the eye of the storm of the world's ills, waving my staff like Gandalf

300. and screaming, "Let's get this sorted!"

301. As ever, I'm joined by a panel of brainspurts and mentalissimos,

302. a smorgasbord of cleverness that the world is rightly too respectful to eat.

303. First up, it's a biggy, but I refuse to be scared. Is there a god? Leonard?

304. It's an age-old question...

305. Answer can't be as long as the question. Do not show your working.

306. - Well, of course it's... - Yes or no?

307. - Er... yes. - Great. He shoots, he scores.

308. Right, moving on. What are we gonna do about...?

309. - There isn't a god. - He said there was.

310. - That was just... - Did you just say there was a god?

311. - I did. - Has Danielle got new information,

312. - or were you playing me like a balalaika? - No...

313. Come on, boffins, I've already wasted time saying balalaika when drum would do.

314. Let's get this sorted!

315. The problem is that Leonard thinks there is a god and I think there isn't.

316. Oh, you are having a go.

317. No, it's just that we respectfully disagree.

318. That is bad news. Can we sort it? Richard, get into this, casting vote.

319. - I'm agnostic and so is Tim. - Yes.

320. Oh, make the tea. Guys, boffins, we need to know if there's a god. It's important.

321. Well, there is no "yes or no" answer, erm...

322. What? I can think of two "yes or no" answers just off the top of my head.

323. - Mr Judd. - Yes, doctor?

324. Your operation's this afternoon. I want to go through the procedure with you.

325. We're using a new kind of experimental keyhole surgery called hammers.

326. - Hams? - It's called hammers,

327. and it's a new approach to keyhole surgery.

328. Right. What does it involve?

329. What does it involve? Er, well, the clue's in the name, really. You know, hammers.

330. What, very, very small hammers?

331. - Yep, well, not that small.

332. Right. Will it hurt?

333. You'll be under general anaesthetic, you won't feel a thing.

334. - Right. - It will hurt like hell when you wake up.

335. A bunch of guys pounding at you with hammers as hard as they can. BIimey.

336. That'll solve the problem, will it?

337. It's worth a try, because while hammers can put pressure on your system,

338. of course, your appendicitis is smaller,

339. so it'll be putting pressure on that too, and it'll hurt it more.

340. Well, that makes sense.

341. Mm... and if it doesn't work, we've got a pioneering new therapy called frying pans,

342. - so we'll give that a whirl.

343. Welcome to another edition of "Numberwang",

344. the numbers show that simply everyone is talking about? Yes.

345. Let's welcome our contestants. Julie from Anglesey and Simon from Anglesey.

346. - So, Julie, do any singing up in Anglesey? - Yes.

347. - Simon ♪ No, no, no, I don't sing in Anglesey

348. Oh, what a shame. Right, bit of a change this week.

349. Instead of starting with round one, we'll start with round one.

350. So let's play Numberwang.

351. Julie, you go first.

352. - 7. - Simon?

353. - 2. - 46.

354. - 8. - 11/2.

355. - No, none of those are Numberwang. - 50?

356. - No. - 9.

357. - Nought. - No.

358. - A million. - No.

359. - Infinity. - No.

360. - Infinity-and-a-half. - You can't have that.

361. Oh. 5.

362. Simon?

363. - Er, 6.2785. - No.

364. - Er, 11/2. - You've already said that.

365. - Oh. - Erm, vase.

366. That's not a number. Julie?

367. - I can't think of any more numbers.

368. Well, what a situation, unprecedented in the history of "Numberwang".

369. That alarm means it's been three whole days without anyone getting Numberwang,

370. which means we have a sudden-death tie break.

371. Julie, Simon, please step into the pods of sudden death.

372. The rules are simple. The one of you to die first, wins.

373. OK. Julie, Simon, are you both ready?

374. Then let's release the number gas.

375. Today's number gas is made from the number 2,

376. which, you may remember from school, is deadly to humans.

377. - Yes, Julie's gone. That is Numberwang.

378. Well done, Julie.

379. Simon desperately trying to inhale the deadly gas,

380. but it's too Iittle, too late, Simon. You've lost.

381. Join us next time for more Numberwang, but until then, good Numberwang.

382. Oh, well, that's brilliant. Thank you.

383. Great news, guys. The bank have agreed the Ioan.

384. (MAN) Great. Yay!

385. So now we can go ahead and start up our own dry-cleaning business.

386. Great, no more working for other dry cleaners.

387. Finally we can really go it alone.

388. So, the last thing to decide is, what shall we call it?

389. Well, I think it should definitely be a funny name.

390. Yeah, like a hairdresser's that's called Fringe Benefits or A Cut Above.

391. So what would one for a dry-cleaning shop be?

392. Well, I've had a thought.

393. I think it's funny. It's certainly a phrase I've heard, but...

394. I'm just not quite sure what it means.

395. It's "touching cloth".

396. Oh, great, "touching cloth".

397. Yeah, that's certainly a phrase I've heard.

398. - It's got a ring to it, "touching cloth". - So what does it mean?

399. Obviously, part of what it means is what we would be doing.

400. You know, as dry cleaners, we'll spend most of our day touching cloth.

401. And our customers, who bring in their clothes to dry-clean,

402. they'll all be touching cloth as well.

403. As they hand the clothes over they'll be touching cloth.

404. - That all works out brilliantly. - And what's more,

405. what I think will make it funny is that I think that it has a double meaning.

406. It's just I'm not quite sure what it is.

407. I think it's probably quite important that we find out

408. exactly what the other meaning might be

409. before we call the sign-writer or get the notepaper printed.

410. Yeah. Does anybody know what the other meaning of touching cloth is?

411. - I know. - Oh, great. Is it funny?

412. Yes, it is. It is funny.

413. What is it?

414. When you're touching cloth, what you're doing is that you so need a poo,

415. that you've sort of started to poo yourself

416. but you've managed to stop at the point

417. where a bit of the poo is actually touching the cloth of the inside of your pants.

418. Oh, right.

419. I had no idea there was a name for that.

420. That is funny, and it's funny because it involves poo.

421. Yes, it is very funny.

422. My only slight worry, is the association of getting poo on clothes,

423. which I agree is funny...

424. Is that association appropriate for a business such as dry cleaning,

425. which is, after all, supposed to be about getting clothes clean?

426. - Oh, yeah. - But I don't think it's really a problem.

427. You can worry too much about these things.

428. And the way I see it, there's an upside

429. because the message we'll be sending out is,

430. even if you have got poo on your clothes, we can handle it.

431. In fact, we could call it "Touching CIoth, question mark."

432. Touching cloth? Then step this way.

433. I really like that.

434. So, Mr Winkleman, tell us about this splendid vase that we're both Iooking at.

435. It's the vibration, the vibration. I can't stand it.

436. It's all right, it's quite normal.

437. It's just the thermonuclear radion machine that we use to generate the television.

438. It's quite safe...

439. .. although a rather amusing side effect

440. is that all of our real hair fell out in the first 48 hours.

441. So, you were saying, the vase...

442. Erm, yes, er... well, it's a family heirloom, which I think dates from the 1760s.

443. That's fascinating. I'd just like to point out to viewers

444. that it's only through the new magic of television that they can actually see us

445. Iooking at this vase and describing it to them.

446. Have you got hot balls too?

447. Oh, and that's a bad miss.

448. That was a cruel miscue, and as the cue ball careers into the black,

449. Jimmy must be wishing that his bank balance would do something similar.

450. Yes.

451. This is a... This is a tough game, Jimmy knows that.

452. But what...?

453. What on earth possessed him to think that horse racing would be any easier?

454. He called it an investment, but in reality he was just hanging around Ladbrokes

455. when he should have been practising his long pots.

456. And the results are there for all to see on his careworn face

457. with its bad wig that no longer matches his remaining hair.

458. Hi. You know my brother-in-Iaw's friend Gordon?

459. The one with the cleft palate and the wonky ear?

460. No, not him. No, the Gordon who sends out those awful Christmas newsletters.

461. I got my reply ready this year, yeah?

462. "Dear Gordon, thank you for your very comprehensive newsletter

463. "telling me about what you've been up to over the last...

464. "is it only a year? And yet so many GCSE results and wisdom teeth out.

465. "As this served to replace a conversation, here is my response.

466. "Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Oh, by the...

467. "Good. Yeah, me too. Yeah. Me? Not much. Bye."

468. You really are a bastard, aren't you?

469. - Well... - I mean, what's he gonna reply to that?

470. - I haven't thought that far ahead. - "Dear Robert,

471. "I'm sorry to have annoyed you with news of my family.

472. "I suppose these Ietters are a Iittle impersonal, but I know a lot of my friends

473. "are interested to hear how we're getting on, and around Christmas

474. "I don't really have time to write to everyone individually.

475. "I'm sorry to have cut a corner so abhorrent to you, and needless to say

476. "I won't be wasting your time again in future.

477. "PS Little Jane says she loves you."

478. I'm sorry, Gordon. Forgive me, Gordon

479. - I'm not Gordon - Where's Gordon?