1. Hello and welcome back
to coverage of people buying a houseCopy !req
2. and living in it.
Hello, Jeff, you want to buy a house.Copy !req
3. - Here's a house, what do you think?
- Yeah.Copy !req
4. - Do you like the house?
- It's fine.Copy !req
5. Will he be able to buy
the house of his dreams?Copy !req
6. - Yes. It's in budget, is it?
- Yeah.Copy !req
7. That was not a close one. We'll catch up
with Jeff when he's bought his house now.Copy !req
8. - Jeff, you're now living in your house.
- Yeah.Copy !req
9. - What's that like?
- All right. Putting some shelves up.Copy !req
10. - Nothing major.
- We'll catch up with Jeff's attemptsCopy !req
11. to live his "having shelves" dream now.Copy !req
12. - How are the shelves?
- Useful.Copy !req
13. Fascinating. To sum up, Jeff,
who you don't know, has bought a house,Copy !req
14. and is living in it, having put up shelves,
and we can all agree that's a good thing.Copy !req
15. Next week I'll be presenting coverage
of people renting a flatCopy !req
16. and then going to the shop
to buy some food to eat in it.Copy !req
17. I'm afraid, sir,Copy !req
18. we still have a problem
with Detective Harrison.Copy !req
19. Yes, Mr Harrison has an irritating talent
for disrupting my arrangements.Copy !req
20. Would you like me to have him...Copy !req
21. - .. removed?
- Yes, perhaps.Copy !req
22. Perhaps it would be better
if Mr Harrison were...Copy !req
23. taken out of the picture.Copy !req
24. - Sorry, guys, you're doing it again.
- What, Alan?Copy !req
25. "Have him removed",
"take him out of the picture".Copy !req
26. We agreed at the meeting that these
terms are needlessly ambiguous.Copy !req
27. - I suppose...
- We all agreed that from now onCopy !req
28. when we want someone murdered,
i.e. deliberately killed to death,Copy !req
29. - then that's what we're gonna say.
- Look, everyone knows what we mean.Copy !req
30. On this occasion, perhaps. That was
an order to murder Harrison, right?Copy !req
31. He has become a nuisance.Copy !req
32. Right, but a nuisance
we should murder. Is that it?Copy !req
33. I mean, my nephew's a nuisance
but... Do you see what I mean?Copy !req
34. Yes, yeah, all right.Copy !req
35. Well, can you say it then, please?Copy !req
36. OK. Please...Copy !req
37. deal with
the Harrison situation.Copy !req
38. - You see, that's no good.
- Oh, that was perfectly clear.Copy !req
39. What are you talking about?Copy !req
40. This'll be "let's hope Professor Ritson
meets with a little accident" all over again.Copy !req
41. We spent nine months hoping Ritson
would meet with an accidentCopy !req
42. before Lesley told us it was an accident
we had to make happen.Copy !req
43. All right, you've made your point.Copy !req
44. You two get on with your work now.Copy !req
45. Our murdering.Copy !req
46. Yes.Copy !req
47. Oh, and Alan...Copy !req
48. Perhaps I'll see you later for a little...Copy !req
49. light refreshment.Copy !req
50. Do you mean anal sex?Copy !req
51. Yes.Copy !req
52. All right, then.Copy !req
53. Welcome to "Numberwang",
the maths quiz that's simply everyone.Copy !req
54. Joining me are Julie from NorthamptonCopy !req
55. and Simon from Southampton.Copy !req
56. - Julie, any funny stories to tell us?
- Yes.Copy !req
57. - Simon?
- No.Copy !req
58. Let's play Numberwang.Copy !req
59. And it's Simon to go first.
Too slow. Julie?Copy !req
60. - 38.
- That's Numberwang.Copy !req
61. Let's move on to round two,
imaginary numbers. Simon?Copy !req
62. - Twentington.
- That's Numberwang.Copy !req
63. - Filth hundred and neeb.
- That's Numberwang.Copy !req
64. - Shinty-six.
- (WRONG-ANSWER BUZZER)Copy !req
65. Oh, bad luck, Simon.
I'm afraid shinty-six is a real number,Copy !req
66. as in the popular phrase
"I only have shinty six days left to live."Copy !req
67. So, onto round three. Julie, Simon,
please take to the Number-lines.Copy !req
68. And if I can have time on the clock,
please, let's play Numberbounce.Copy !req
69. - 8.
- Er, 93.Copy !req
70. - 15.
- 70.Copy !req
71. That's Numberwang, take a number.
Julie?Copy !req
72. - 30.
- That's Numberwang, take a number.Copy !req
73. - Simon?
- 3,249.Copy !req
74. That's Numberwang, take a number.
Julie?Copy !req
75. - Nought.
- That's Numberwang, take a number.Copy !req
76. - Simon?
- 41/2.Copy !req
77. - That's Numberwang, take a number.
- (HOOTER BLARES)Copy !req
78. I'm afraid we're out of time so you'll have
to put those last numbers back.Copy !req
79. Well, that's the end of Numberbounce.
Well done, everyone.Copy !req
80. So, as we go into the final round
it's neck and neck.Copy !req
81. Julie is on 82
and Simon is also on 26.Copy !req
82. It's time for Wangernumb.
Let's rotate the board.Copy !req
83. Julie, Simon, welcome back.
Let's play Wangernumb.Copy !req
84. - Julie, you go last. Simon?
- 44.Copy !req
85. - Julie?
- 404.Copy !req
86. - Ooh.
- 4.4.Copy !req
87. - Ah.
- 444.4.Copy !req
88. - 44.44.
- Eee.Copy !req
89. - 40.
- Waaaaah.Copy !req
90. - 4.
- That's Wangernumb!Copy !req
91. Julie, you've been Wangernumbed,Copy !req
92. but, Simon, you are today's Numberwang.Copy !req
93. More Numberwang tomorrow,
but until then...Copy !req
94. (ALL) Stay Numberwang!Copy !req
95. Oh, they were two of the greatest actors
of their generation,Copy !req
96. there's no doubt about it, but with that
goes a certain amount of ego, yes?Copy !req
97. So, the only way we could get them to do
"Holmes and Watson" in the West EndCopy !req
98. was if they alternated who played Holmes,
night by night.Copy !req
99. One night Alec would play Holmes...Copy !req
100. So, you see, Watson, the advantage
of my unique powers of observation.Copy !req
101. And the next night,
it would be Michael's turn.Copy !req
102. So, you see, Watson, the advantage
of my unique powers of observation.Copy !req
103. And I suppose there was a certain amount
of one-upmanship.Copy !req
104. So, you see, Watson, the advantage
of my unique powers of observation.Copy !req
105. (DICKIE) I-I think that really
added somethingCopy !req
106. but I don't know how much
the audience picked up.Copy !req
107. So, you see, Watson, the advantage
of my unique powers of observation.Copy !req
108. So when we came to make the film,Copy !req
109. we were faced once again
with the problem of which of themCopy !req
110. would play Holmes,Copy !req
111. but I think everyone agrees
we found a rather elegant solution.Copy !req
112. Not like you to be superstitious, Holmes.Copy !req
113. It's hardly superstition.
I was merely acknowledgingCopy !req
114. the power of fear
and what effect that fear...Copy !req
115. .. can have on the minds
of the ignorant or vulnerable.Copy !req
116. Holmes, you're not seriously suggesting
that the villagers believe...Copy !req
117. .. the story of the phantom wolf?Copy !req
118. Of course they did.Copy !req
119. Oblige me if you will, old fellow,
by fetching Maddison's Witchcraft AlmanacCopy !req
120. from the library. I'll show you
how powerful a grip some...Copy !req
121. .. of these old myths can have on people.Copy !req
122. Middle shelf, isn't it?Copy !req
123. Yes, just above the encyclopaedias.Copy !req
124. Ah, yes, I've got it.
Shall I bring it through?Copy !req
125. No, stay where you are. I'll join you.Copy !req
126. And, of course, they both felt very strongly
that it was important to...Copy !req
127. to keep all of that wonderful energy
that the stage production had had.Copy !req
128. That's not the Witchcraft Almanac,
Watson, you clot.Copy !req
129. And, of course, as family men,
the film gave them a great opportunityCopy !req
130. to get their kids into the business.Copy !req
131. We can't think on
empty stomachs, Watson.Copy !req
132. Let's see what Mrs Hudson
has laid out.Copy !req
133. - What have you got for us, Mrs Hudson?
- Crumpets!Copy !req
134. Ten minutes for lighting...Copy !req
135. David?Copy !req
136. - Yeah...
- Is it poss...? No.Copy !req
137. - What?
- No, it's all right.Copy !req
138. - (MOBILE RINGS)
- What's the question?Copy !req
139. There's just something in this,
but you're just gonna be all horrible.Copy !req
140. No, I'm not, what is it?Copy !req
141. It's just... In here it looks like...Copy !req
142. I mean... basically, can people levitate?Copy !req
143. - Can... people... levitate?
- Oh, I knew I shouldn't have asked.Copy !req
144. - Can people levitate?
- Don't...! Just...Copy !req
145. I mean, it's no, isn't it?Copy !req
146. - Yes, it is no.
- Don't be like that.Copy !req
147. What? I haven't said anything.
Don't have a go at me.Copy !req
148. You're the moron who thinks people
can levitate.Copy !req
149. - He was very convincing.
- Can you levitate?Copy !req
150. I-I knew you'd be...Copy !req
151. I'm trying to find out
why you felt the needCopy !req
152. to ask such a humiliating question.Copy !req
153. Because I have the intellectual confidence
to appear stupid sometimes.Copy !req
154. You're the thick one
who pretends he knows everything.Copy !req
155. I'm sufficiently insecure
to have felt the need to establishCopy !req
156. to my own satisfaction before the age
of 33 whether or not humans can fly.Copy !req
157. If that makes me a chippy little autodidact
in your eyes then so be it.Copy !req
158. I'm just not gonna ask you
anything ever again.Copy !req
159. Lunch in ten minutes.Copy !req
160. Er, twelve minutes, you twat.Copy !req
161. Ten, twelve. Don't know
the difference between ten and twelve!Copy !req
162. Welcome to an edition of coverage
of people who are ill in hospital.Copy !req
163. - Dave you're ill.
- I've got gallstones.Copy !req
164. They're being taken out? Are you
nervous but everyone's wonderful?Copy !req
165. - No, a nurse fingered me.
- Gillian.Copy !req
166. I'm here with Chris,
who's got a broken arm.Copy !req
167. - How did you break it?
- It just broke.Copy !req
168. - Interesting story. They'll put it in plaster?
- That is the plan, yeah.Copy !req
169. We'll film that and put it on telly. Soon I'll
be talking to a doctor who's tired. Edward.Copy !req
170. Thanks, Gillian. We've had a cock-up
here and Dave is dead. Here is Dave.Copy !req
171. They'll cart him out on a trolley
and we'll film that and put it on telly.Copy !req
172. Meanwhile, here are some
nurses and doctors walking about.Copy !req
173. So, how's it going, Pete?Copy !req
174. Yeah, good.
I think you're gonna be pleased.Copy !req
175. Paper came through from Singapore,Copy !req
176. Jono's been tinkering
with the laser printer.Copy !req
177. Colin, my top guy,
he's looked after the water marks.Copy !req
178. Yeah, I think it's looking pretty tasty.Copy !req
179. Well, I'll be the judge of that, mate.
Come on, let's have a look.Copy !req
180. Here you go.Copy !req
181. Wha... What's this?Copy !req
182. (CHUCKLES) It's the finished article.Copy !req
183. It's a tenner but, of course, it's not,
nudge, nudge, wink, wink.Copy !req
184. Well, obviously not, it's all wrong.
That's not even the queen.Copy !req
185. It's a queen.
Mate, the punters aren't gonna notice.Copy !req
186. Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands,
THE queen, it's details.Copy !req
187. Don't get hung up on the details.
That is a tenner.Copy !req
188. That's what the man
on the streets'll see. Ten pounds.Copy !req
189. Punds, it says punds.Copy !req
190. It's your mind. It's playing tricks on you.
You're on a negative vibe.Copy !req
191. - It's the wrong colour.
- Oh, right, compare it to another tenner.Copy !req
192. Right, that's fair, I don't think.Copy !req
193. Course it's gonna come off badly
compared to a real tenner,Copy !req
194. but in the real world,
who sits at home and goes,Copy !req
195. "Oh, I think I'll get out all
of my ten pound notesCopy !req
196. "and compare their colour"?
Doesn't happen.Copy !req
197. We're fine, mate, we're cushty.Copy !req
198. It's the wrong size.Copy !req
199. Things look more real
when they're bigger.Copy !req
200. That's on purpose.
It's a trick of the trade.Copy !req
201. It's shit, all right. It's total shit.Copy !req
202. Look, OK, quick.
Which is the real one?Copy !req
203. - That one.
- No, see, no, you're wrong.Copy !req
204. That is the real one.
You had to think about it, didn't ya?Copy !req
205. - No.
- You had to look. Admit it, I saw you.Copy !req
206. Obviously I had
to look. Look, I'll see you later, all right?Copy !req
207. OK, look forget the notes,
what about this?Copy !req
208. Look at me and tell me you didn't
think that was Van Gogh's Sunflowers.Copy !req
209. - I'm going.
- All right, all right.Copy !req
210. You don't like the picture
or the notes. I understand that.Copy !req
211. Who uses notes anymore?Copy !req
212. Plastic, that's what everyone uses
these days, so what about... this.Copy !req
213. Mmm, not bad, not at all bad.Copy !req
214. Exactly.Copy !req
215. It's floppy.Copy !req
216. Yep, folds away like a dream.Copy !req
217. It smells of cheese.Copy !req
218. It tastes of cheese.Copy !req
219. Course.
It's an improvement on the real one.Copy !req
220. Real credit cards taste like shit.Copy !req
221. They call it a ruddy food court,
it just means you have to queue twice.Copy !req
222. You've only missed the first three frames.Copy !req
223. Oh, and that's a bad miss.Copy !req
224. And a chance now for Chris Lester
as he strides towards the table,Copy !req
225. one of the taller players,
as tall as he is toned.Copy !req
226. And I think it's all right to say that
in this day and age.Copy !req
227. I agree, Peter, I don't think there's anything
wrong with mentioning in passingCopy !req
228. that Chris Lester
is very easy on the eye.Copy !req
229. It's good for the game for
a gifted young player such as Chris...Copy !req
230. A gifted, young, tall, blond player
such as Chris.Copy !req
231. He is all those things,
and I don't think it's going too farCopy !req
232. in these days of PCCopy !req
233. for me to call another man sexy,Copy !req
234. and Chris Lester is that man.Copy !req
235. He is a friend of mine,
he is a sexy young friend of mine.Copy !req
236. He is my sexy young friend.Copy !req
237. Welcome to coverage of people
running a safari park.Copy !req
238. This is John who looks after the zebras
which ran away from the camera.Copy !req
239. - John, what are you doing?
- I'm getting the zebras their food.Copy !req
240. Do zebras find it colder
in Wiltshire than Africa?Copy !req
241. They do because it is.Copy !req
242. While we let John
get on with the job he does every day,Copy !req
243. Gillian's been talking to
the head tree-counter.Copy !req
244. Fifteen thousand,
fifteen thousand and...Copy !req
245. We're getting coverage
of you counting trees.Copy !req
246. - Yeah. Oh, I've lost count.
- Sorry.Copy !req
247. One, two, three, four, five...Copy !req
248. OK, thank you for calling.
Pass us a biscuit.Copy !req
249. - Ah!
- Forget you saw that, OK.Copy !req
250. That didn't happen.Copy !req
251. Look...Copy !req
252. I have some telekinetic powers,
OK, but it's really nothing.Copy !req
253. Nothing (?) You can move objects
with your mind.Copy !req
254. (WHISPERS) Ssh, no one can ever know.Copy !req
255. Also, it's very limited. I can really
only do it with biscuits.Copy !req
256. Even so, it's a gift.
You should share it with the world.Copy !req
257. No, I vowed never to use my powers.Copy !req
258. Why not?Copy !req
259. Because when I do, things happen.Copy !req
260. Dark, terrible things.Copy !req
261. At first I thought it was harmless.Copy !req
262. I suppose I was so high on the thrill,
I didn't realiseCopy !req
263. that even then my powers
were consuming meCopy !req
264. like I was the last segment
of a high-quality shortbread fan.Copy !req
265. Jane... Jane is that you?Copy !req
266. Rod, what a surprise.Copy !req
267. Why didn't you call me?Copy !req
268. - It was complicated.
- Your mother told me you'd died.Copy !req
269. I didn't want to hurt you
and you were so persistent.Copy !req
270. Still, er... water under the bridge, eh?Copy !req
271. All my rage and fear welled up inside meCopy !req
272. and expressed itself in biscuit form.Copy !req
273. Are you all right, mate?Copy !req
274. You may call it a gift,
but it's a curse, my friend.Copy !req
275. Tragedy has stalked me at every turn.Copy !req
276. - That's why you can never tell.
- No, you were just a kid, then.Copy !req
277. You're older now and wiser.Copy !req
278. You're manager of this sub-team,
for God's sake.Copy !req
279. Think of the good you could do
with one of these now.Copy !req
280. Not with that one, actually.
That's a Jaffa cake, it's not a true biscuit.Copy !req
281. Whatever, the point is
you could do great works,Copy !req
282. become famous
or at least get a better job.Copy !req
283. - Something in hospitality, perhaps.
- No, it's too dangerous.Copy !req
284. Damn it, I won't let you
squander your gift.Copy !req
285. I'm gonna call my friend.
He's a manager at McVities.Copy !req
286. No, you don't know what you're doing.Copy !req
287. Hi, Austin, it's Dan...Copy !req
288. Crikey, it's been a while. How are you?Copy !req
289. Yeah, great.Copy !req
290. Noooooooo!Copy !req
291. Damn you!Copy !req
292. Noooooooo...Copy !req
293. .. oooooooo...Copy !req
294. .. oooooooo...Copy !req
295. .. oooooooo...Copy !req
296. .. oooooooo...Copy !req
297. .. oooooooo...Copy !req
298. .. oooooooo...Copy !req
299. Oh, and that's a bad miss.Copy !req
300. And just look at the disappointment
on Chris Lester's pretty little face,Copy !req
301. that is a shame.Copy !req
302. He is devastated,
and I can never make up my mindCopy !req
303. whether or not he looks
more stunning in moments of adversityCopy !req
304. such as these,Copy !req
305. than he does in moments
of elation and joy.Copy !req
306. Ted, for the fullest answer
to that questionCopy !req
307. you'd have to ask
his lovely girlfriend, Jackie,Copy !req
308. but I know what you mean.
There is a quality to his fragile isolationCopy !req
309. that puts you in mind
of Winona Ryder in court.Copy !req
310. Which is about as sexy as it gets.Copy !req
311. But for my money
it's when he walks into the Crucible barCopy !req
312. after a big win or a few snatched moments
with JackieCopy !req
313. and the light from the fruit machine
dances through his hairCopy !req
314. and he smiles
and he turns that smile onto you.Copy !req
315. It's like basking in the light of twin suns.Copy !req
316. You're quite right, Peter.
It makes me thankful my op went OK.Copy !req
317. Oh, no. No, not again.Copy !req
318. No way. No, you're not gonna
get me this time.Copy !req
319. No siree. Nope, sorry, mate.Copy !req
320. You bloody bastard.Copy !req
321. The thing about having kids
is you get to watchCopy !req
322. all those cartoons you used to love again.Copy !req
323. They're disappointing. I watched
"Postman Pat" with JakeCopy !req
324. - and couldn't believe how bad it was.
- The worst oneCopy !req
325. is "Captain bloody Pugwash."Copy !req
326. Oh, no, not really.Copy !req
327. No, it is. It's dire. When its mouth moves,
it just goes "buh, buh, buh, buh".Copy !req
328. That's a bit harsh. It was good.Copy !req
329. It's awful. Don't tell me one
of you worked on it.Copy !req
330. Yes, actually, Damian...Copy !req
331. Damian was in it.Copy !req
332. - Hi.
- You guys are winding me up.Copy !req
333. - No, they're not.
- Really? You didn't write for it did you?Copy !req
334. No, I was in it, actually.
I played Steven.Copy !req
335. - Steven?
- Steven Pugwash, the captain.Copy !req
336. Oh. Oh, right.Copy !req
337. Stupid of me.Copy !req
338. I didn't recognise
you without your, erm...Copy !req
339. I don't go round all day
dressed as a pirate.Copy !req
340. No, of course not.
What I said about your mouth...Copy !req
341. Really, forget about it.
As it happens I actually haveCopy !req
342. a condition which paralyses
my upper lip.Copy !req
343. That's why I wear this moustache,
but you weren't to know.Copy !req
344. And, erm... what are you doing these days?Copy !req
345. This and that. You might have
seen me in the Kenco campaign.Copy !req
346. - The one with the...
- Pirates, yes.Copy !req
347. I do rather suffer from typecasting.Copy !req
348. Thinking about it, there was
a lot to like about "Captain Pugwash".Copy !req
349. It had a real charm to it
and the performances were great.Copy !req
350. Well, thank you.Copy !req
351. It was better than some of
the rubbish that was on,Copy !req
352. "The Flumps", "Dogtanian",
er..."King Rollo".Copy !req
353. I mean, what the hell was that?
He was like some kind of psycho child.Copy !req
354. I see. My boyfriend played King Rollo.Copy !req
355. Come on Adrian, we're leaving.Copy !req
356. I tell you what's caught my eye
in the headlines.Copy !req
357. - Oh, shut up, David.
- I was just going to say...Copy !req
358. I don't want to hear your jokes
about the newsCopy !req
359. when I'm trying to have a nice rest.Copy !req
360. - No, it's just that my eye was caught...
- Get on a panel show.Copy !req
361. You've got a big boil of topical satire
that needs lancing.Copy !req
362. No, I'm just interested in world affairs
and at the same time very, very witty.Copy !req
363. I wasn't gonna do a joke,
I was gonna say that my eyeCopy !req
364. was caught by this whole scandal
in America.Copy !req
365. Ooh, the scandal in America.
Yeah, that is interesting.Copy !req
366. That must be the biggest scandal
since Watergate Gate.Copy !req
367. Since what?Copy !req
368. The US government hasn't been
this screwed since...Copy !req
369. You have to go all the way
back to Watergate Gate.Copy !req
370. Watergate Gate? Isn't it just Watergate?Copy !req
371. No, that would mean
it was just about water.Copy !req
372. No, it was a scandal or gate,
add the suffix gate,Copy !req
373. involving the Watergate Hotel,Copy !req
374. so it was called the Watergate scandal
or Watergate Gate.Copy !req
375. But doesn't the term "gate", meaning
a scandal, come from Watergate?Copy !req
376. What, take the last four letters
of a previous scandal or hotelCopy !req
377. and add it on to all future scandals?
That can't be the system.Copy !req
378. - I think it is.
- What if there's a scandal about water?Copy !req
379. What do you call that?Copy !req
380. Well, you'd call it Waterga...Copy !req
381. Oh, I see what you mean, erm...
Aqua Gate?Copy !req
382. It's not great, is it?Copy !req
383. (WOMAN) Ohh, it's lovely, thank you.Copy !req
384. Yes.Copy !req
385. And this is from me and Ben.
Merry Christmas.Copy !req
386. Ooh, is this what I think it is? Could be.Copy !req
387. It is, it's some heroin.Copy !req
388. Hooray.Copy !req
389. - We know how much you like heroin, so...
- Too right.Copy !req
390. 'Cause we were saying,
"Can we get him heroin?Copy !req
391. "We got him heroin last year",
but then Susie said,Copy !req
392. "Sod it, let's just get him heroin."Copy !req
393. You can never have
too much heroin, that's what I say.Copy !req
394. Well, it's Christmas, isn't it?Copy !req
395. - This is from us.
- Ooh, wonder what this is.Copy !req
396. Hope you like it. We both know how much
you like heroin so we thought...Copy !req
397. Oh, it's a book
of heroin anecdotes, great.Copy !req
398. We thought a bit more interesting
than just giving you heroin again.Copy !req
399. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
400. But we got you some heroin
to have while you're reading it.Copy !req
401. Oh. You silly sods!Copy !req
402. And this is from me.Copy !req
403. Ooh, thank you, Grandma.Copy !req
404. It's some cocaine.Copy !req
405. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
406. That is the one you wanted, isn't it?Copy !req
407. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
408. The man said that would
be the one you wanted.Copy !req
409. I tried to describe it
and I did the face that you doCopy !req
410. when you've had some, you know,
"Urghhh..."Copy !req
411. - And he said that would be the one.
- Right.Copy !req
412. I'll take it back for you, love,
and change it for some heroin.Copy !req
413. Thanks, Mum.Copy !req
414. Ooh, look, James. "Kids rapids ride".Copy !req
415. Hello, what's this, then?Copy !req
416. Er, put the kid in the ring,
send him down the rapids.Copy !req
417. Ah, sounds exciting...Copy !req
418. You put him
in the ring and just literally...Copy !req
419. Yeah, we just literally give him
a shove off that bridge thereCopy !req
420. and he goes down the stream,
very exciting.Copy !req
421. Right, and it's all safe and everything?
You've done it before?Copy !req
422. Yeah. No, well, actually no, well no.
We tested it on a football.Copy !req
423. Right.Copy !req
424. - Not that one.
- You sure?Copy !req
425. Oh, yeah, 'cause the one
we tested it on we never saw again.Copy !req
426. You never got it back?Copy !req
427. Well, it's a football, isn't it?
It's not a boomerang or a child.Copy !req
428. - I mean, it can't say it's lost.
- Sorry, I mean, this is all fine, isn't it?Copy !req
429. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's all fine.
It's all fine, course it is.Copy !req
430. I won't stay in business
very long if it isn't...Copy !req
431. I wouldn't have stayed
in business very long if it wasn't.Copy !req
432. You've got a safety certificate?Copy !req
433. You can make so-called certificates
prove whatever you want.Copy !req
434. - Have you got one?
- That's what I'm saying.Copy !req
435. You can make certificates
prove whatever you want, look.Copy !req
436. "Royal Academy of Safe Rapid Rides
certifies that Barry CrispCopy !req
437. "definitely knows what he's doing."
Yeah, well, that all seems in order.Copy !req
438. Right, do you fancy a ride then, James?Copy !req
439. - Let's take that as a yes.
- OK, let's get that ring on.Copy !req
440. OK.Copy !req
441. That's a fiverCopy !req
442. and an extra two quid,
hire of an oar.Copy !req
443. Oh, really, will he need one?Copy !req
444. - Well, I'd have thought so.
- Right.Copy !req
445. - I mean, I'd want one. Wouldn't you?
- OK.Copy !req
446. - And, er... three quid deposit on the ring.
- Why?Copy !req
447. - In case I don't get the ring back.
- Is that likely?Copy !req
448. Yeah.Copy !req
449. Come this way.Copy !req
450. Oh, and that's a bad miss.Copy !req
451. Chris Lester approaches the table now.Copy !req
452. His trademark headband, Ted,Copy !req
453. is that purely practical or is it also
for the purposes of fashion?Copy !req
454. Well, he assures us, Peter,
it's purely practical.Copy !req
455. It's to keep his plentiful locks
out of his forget-me-not blue eyes.Copy !req
456. But it does look terrific.Copy !req
457. Yes, well, we've all got them now.Copy !req
458. And he's set something of a trend
amongst the younger players, Ted,Copy !req
459. but, er... needless to say, none of them lookCopy !req
460. anywhere near as good
in theirs as Chris does in his.Copy !req
461. Peter Ebdon in particular
looks ridiculous,Copy !req
462. but I gather that Chris
is quite attached to his hairbandCopy !req
463. 'cause I was chatting to his lovely
girlfriend Jackie the other nightCopy !req
464. and, er... she was telling me
that, er... he even wears it in bed.Copy !req
465. Does he?Copy !req
466. Boy, oh boy.Copy !req
467. What a sight that must be for JackieCopy !req
468. or for his other girlfriend Amanda...Copy !req
469. .. during their more intimate
romantic moments.Copy !req
470. Chris looming over them,
his face flushed with concentration,Copy !req
471. just as he is as he gets down
to this long red.Copy !req
472. Ted, it's happened again.Copy !req
473. Oh, Peter, you'll just have to sit in it
till the mid-session interval.Copy !req
474. OK, ready?Copy !req
475. Off you go.Copy !req
476. Ooh, I think the nerves
got to him a bit there.Copy !req