1. Hello and welcome back
to coverage of people buying a houseCopy !req
2. and living in it.
Hello, Jeff, you want to buy a house.Copy !req
3. - Here's a house, what do you think?
- Yeah.Copy !req
4. - Do you like the house?
- It's fine.Copy !req
5. Will he be able to buy
the house of his dreams?Copy !req
6. - Yes. It's in budget, is it?
- Yeah.Copy !req
7. That was not a close one. We'll catch up
with Jeff when he's bought his house now.Copy !req
8. - Jeff, you're now living in your house.
- Yeah.Copy !req
9. - What's that like?
- Alright. Putting some shelves up.Copy !req
10. - Nothing major.
- We'll catch up with Jeff's attemptsCopy !req
11. to live his "having shelves" dream now.Copy !req
12. - How are the shelves?
- Useful.Copy !req
13. Fascinating. To sum up, Jeff,
who you don't know, has bought a house,Copy !req
14. and is living in it, having put up shelves,
and we can all agree that's a good thing.Copy !req
15. Next week I'll be presenting coverage
of people renting a flatCopy !req
16. and then going to the shop
to buy some food to eat in it.Copy !req
17. that Mitchell and Webb lookCopy !req
18. I'm afraid, sir,Copy !req
19. we still have a problem
with Detective Harrison.Copy !req
20. Yes, Mr Harrison has an irritating talent
for disrupting my arrangements.Copy !req
21. Would you like me to have him…Copy !req
22. - .. Removed?
- Yes, perhaps.Copy !req
23. Perhaps it would be better
if Mr Harrison were…Copy !req
24. Taken out of the picture.Copy !req
25. - Sorry, guys, you're doing it again.
- What, Alan?Copy !req
26. "Have him removed",
"take him out of the picture".Copy !req
27. We agreed at the meeting that these
terms are needlessly ambiguous.Copy !req
28. - I suppose… ..
- We all agreed that from now onCopy !req
29. when we want someone murdered,
i.e. deliberately killed to death,Copy !req
30. - then that's what we're gonna say.
- Look, everyone knows what we mean.Copy !req
31. On this occasion, perhaps. That was
an order to murder Harrison, right?Copy !req
32. He has become a nuisance.Copy !req
33. Right, but a nuisance
we should murder. Is that it?Copy !req
34. I mean, my nephew's a nuisance
but… Do you see what I mean?Copy !req
35. Yes, yeah, alright.Copy !req
36. Well, can you say it then, please?Copy !req
37. OK. Please…Copy !req
38. deal with
the Harrison situation.Copy !req
39. - You see, that's no good.
- Oh, that was perfectly clear.Copy !req
40. What are you talking about?Copy !req
41. This'll be "let's hope Professor Ritson
meets with a little accident" all over again.Copy !req
42. We spent nine months hoping Ritson
would meet with an accidentCopy !req
43. before Lesley told us it was an accident
we had to make happen.Copy !req
44. Alright, you've made your point.Copy !req
45. You two get on with your work now.Copy !req
46. Our murdering.Copy !req
47. Yes.Copy !req
48. Oh, and Alan…Copy !req
49. Perhaps I'll see you later for a little…Copy !req
50. Light refreshment.Copy !req
51. Do you mean anal sex?Copy !req
52. Yes.Copy !req
53. Alright, then.Copy !req
54. Welcome to "Numberwang",
the maths quiz that's simply everyone.Copy !req
55. Joining me are Julie from NorthamptonCopy !req
56. and Simon from Southampton.Copy !req
57. - Julie, any funny stories to tell us?
- Yes.Copy !req
58. - Simon?
- No.Copy !req
59. Let's play Numberwang.Copy !req
60. And it's Simon to go first.
Too slow. Julie?Copy !req
61. - 38.
- That's Numberwang.Copy !req
62. Let's move on to round two,
imaginary numbers. Simon?Copy !req
63. - Twentington.
- That's Numberwang.Copy !req
64. - Filth hundred and neeb.
- That's Numberwang.Copy !req
65. - Shinty-six.Copy !req
66. Oh, bad luck, Simon.
I'm afraid shinty-six is a real number,Copy !req
67. as in the popular phrase
"I only have shinty six days left to live."Copy !req
68. So, onto round three. Julie, Simon,
please take to the Number-lines.Copy !req
69. And if I can have time on the clock,
please, let's play Numberbounce.Copy !req
70. - 8.
- Er, 93.Copy !req
71. - 15.
- 70.Copy !req
72. That's Numberwang, take a number.
Julie?Copy !req
73. - 30.
- That's Numberwang, take a number.Copy !req
74. - Simon?
- 3,249.Copy !req
75. That's Numberwang, take a number.
Julie?Copy !req
76. - Nought.
- That's Numberwang, take a number.Copy !req
77. - Simon?
- 41/2.Copy !req
78. - That's Numberwang, take a number.Copy !req
79. I'm afraid we're out of time so you'll have
to put those last numbers back.Copy !req
80. Well, that's the end of Numberbounce.
Well done, everyone.Copy !req
81. So, as we go into the final round
it's neck and neck.Copy !req
82. Julie is on 82
and Simon is also on 26.Copy !req
83. It's time for Wangernumb.
Let's rotate the board.Copy !req
84. Julie, Simon, welcome back.
Let's play Wangernumb.Copy !req
85. - Julie, you go last. Simon?
- 44.Copy !req
86. - Julie?
- 404.Copy !req
87. - Ooh.
- 4.4.Copy !req
88. - Ah.
- 444.4.Copy !req
89. - 44.44.
- Eee.Copy !req
90. - 40.
- Waaaaah.Copy !req
91. - 4.
- That's Wangernumb!Copy !req
92. Julie, you've been Wangernumbed,Copy !req
93. but, Simon, you are today's Numberwang.Copy !req
94. More Numberwang tomorrow,
but until then…Copy !req
95. (ALL) Stay Numberwang!Copy !req
96. Oh, they were two of the greatest actors
of their generation,Copy !req
97. there's no doubt about it, but with that
goes a certain amount of ego, yes?Copy !req
98. So, the only way we could get them to do
"Holmes and Watson" in the West EndCopy !req
99. was if they alternated who played Holmes,
night by night.Copy !req
100. One night Alec would play Holmes…Copy !req
101. So, you see, Watson, the advantage
of my unique powers of observation.Copy !req
102. And the next night,
it would be Michael's turn.Copy !req
103. So, you see, Watson, the advantage
of my unique powers of observation.Copy !req
104. And I suppose there was a certain amount
of one-upmanship.Copy !req
105. So, you see, Watson, the advantage
of my unique powers of observation.Copy !req
106. I-I think that really
added somethingCopy !req
107. but I don't know how much
the audience picked up.Copy !req
108. So, you see, Watson, the advantage
of my unique powers of observation.Copy !req
109. So, when we came to make the film,Copy !req
110. we were faced, once again,
with the problem of, which of themCopy !req
111. would play Holmes,Copy !req
112. but I think everyone agrees
we found a rather elegant solution.Copy !req
113. Not like you to be superstitious, Holmes.Copy !req
114. It's hardly superstition.
I was merely acknowledgingCopy !req
115. the power of fear
and what effect that fear…Copy !req
116. .. can have on the minds
of the ignorant or vulnerable.Copy !req
117. Holmes, you're not seriously suggesting
that the villagers believe…Copy !req
118. .. the story of the phantom wolf?Copy !req
119. Of course they did.Copy !req
120. Oblige me if you will, old fellow,
by fetching Maddison's Witchcraft AlmanacCopy !req
121. from the library. I'll show you
how powerful a grip some…Copy !req
122. .. of these old myths can have on people.Copy !req
123. Middle shelf, isn't it?Copy !req
124. Yes, just above the encyclopaedias.Copy !req
125. Ah, yes, I've got it.
Shall I bring it through?Copy !req
126. No, stay where you are. I'll join you.Copy !req
127. And, of course, they both felt very strongly
that it was important to…Copy !req
128. to keep all of that wonderful energy
that the stage production had had.Copy !req
129. That's not the Witchcraft Almanac,
Watson, you clot.Copy !req
130. And, of course, as family men,
the film gave them a great opportunityCopy !req
131. to get their kids into the business.Copy !req
132. We can't think on
empty stomachs, Watson.Copy !req
133. Let's see what Mrs Hudson
has laid out.Copy !req
134. - What have you got for us, Mrs. Hudson?
- Crumpets!Copy !req
135. Ten minutes for lighting…Copy !req
136. David?Copy !req
137. - Yeah…
- Is it poss… ? No.Copy !req
138. - What?
- No, it's alright.Copy !req
139. - What's the question?Copy !req
140. There's just something in this,
but you're just gonna be all horrible.Copy !req
141. No, I'm not, what is it?Copy !req
142. It's just… In here it looks like…Copy !req
143. I mean… basically, can people levitate?Copy !req
144. - Can… people… levitate?
- Oh, I knew I shouldn't have asked.Copy !req
145. - Can people levitate?
- Don't… ! Just…Copy !req
146. I mean, it's no, isn't it?Copy !req
147. - Yes, it is no.
- Don't be like that.Copy !req
148. What? I haven't said anything.
Don't have a go at me.Copy !req
149. You're the moron who thinks people
can levitate.Copy !req
150. - He was very convincing.
- Can you levitate?Copy !req
151. I-I knew you'd be…Copy !req
152. I'm trying to find out
why you felt the needCopy !req
153. to ask such a humiliating question.Copy !req
154. Because I have the intellectual confidence
to appear stupid sometimes.Copy !req
155. You're the thick one
who pretends he knows everything.Copy !req
156. I'm sufficiently insecure
to have felt the need to establishCopy !req
157. to my own satisfaction before the age
of 33 whether or not humans can fly.Copy !req
158. If that makes me a chippy little autodidact
in your eyes then so be it.Copy !req
159. I'm just not gonna ask you
anything ever again.Copy !req
160. Lunch in ten minutes.Copy !req
161. Er, twelve minutes, you twat.Copy !req
162. Ten, twelve. Don't know
the difference between ten and twelve!Copy !req
163. Welcome to an edition of coverage
of people who are ill in hospital.Copy !req
164. - Dave you're ill.
- I've got gallstones.Copy !req
165. They're being taken out? Are you
nervous but everyone's wonderful?Copy !req
166. - No, a nurse fingered me.
- Gillian.Copy !req
167. I'm here with Chris,
who's got a broken arm.Copy !req
168. - How did you break it?
- It just broke.Copy !req
169. - Interesting story. They'll put it in plaster?
- That is the plan, yeah.Copy !req
170. We'll film that and put it on telly. Soon I'll
be talking to a doctor who's tired. Edward.Copy !req
171. Thanks, Gillian. We've had a cock-up
here and Dave is dead. Here is Dave.Copy !req
172. They'll cart him out on a trolley
and we'll film that and put it on telly.Copy !req
173. Meanwhile, here are some
nurses and doctors walking about.Copy !req
174. So, how's it going, Pete?Copy !req
175. Yeah, good.
I think you're gonna be pleased.Copy !req
176. Paper came through from Singapore,Copy !req
177. Jono's been tinkering
with the laser printer.Copy !req
178. Colin, my top guy,
he's Iooked after the water marks.Copy !req
179. Yeah, I think it's Iooking pretty tasty.Copy !req
180. Well, I'll be the judge of that, mate.
Come on, let's have a look.Copy !req
181. Here you go.Copy !req
182. Wha… What's this?Copy !req
183. It's the finished article.Copy !req
184. It's a tenner but, of course, it's not,
nudge, nudge, wink, wink.Copy !req
185. Well, obviously not, it's all wrong.
That's not even the queen.Copy !req
186. It's a queen.
Mate, the punters aren't gonna notice.Copy !req
187. Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands,
THE queen, it's details.Copy !req
188. Don't get hung up on the details.
That is a tenner.Copy !req
189. That's what the man
on the streets'll see. Ten pounds.Copy !req
190. Punds, it says punds.Copy !req
191. It's your mind. It's playing tricks on you.
You're on a negative vibe.Copy !req
192. - It's the wrong colour.
- Oh, right, compare it to another tenner.Copy !req
193. Right, that's fair, I don't think.Copy !req
194. Course it's gonna come off badly
compared to a real tenner,Copy !req
195. but in the real world,
who sits at home and goes,Copy !req
196. "Oh, I think I'll get out all
of my ten pound notesCopy !req
197. "and compare their colour"?
Doesn't happen.Copy !req
198. We're fine, mate, we're cushty.Copy !req
199. It's the wrong size.Copy !req
200. Things look more real
when they're bigger.Copy !req
201. That's on purpose.
It's a trick of the trade.Copy !req
202. It's shit, alright. It's total shit.Copy !req
203. Look, OK, quick.
Which is the real one?Copy !req
204. - That one.
- No, see, no, you're wrong.Copy !req
205. That is the real one.
You had to think about it, didn't ya?Copy !req
206. - No.
- You had to look. Admit it, I saw you.Copy !req
207. Obviously I had
to look. Look, I'll see you later, alright?Copy !req
208. OK, look forget the notes,
what about this?Copy !req
209. Look at me and tell me you didn't
think that was Van Gogh's Sunflowers.Copy !req
210. - I'm going.
- Alright, alright.Copy !req
211. You don't like the picture
or the notes. I understand that.Copy !req
212. Who uses notes anymore?Copy !req
213. Plastic, that's what everyone uses
these days, so what about… this.Copy !req
214. Mmm, not bad, not at all bad.Copy !req
215. Exactly.Copy !req
216. It's floppy.Copy !req
217. Yep, folds away like a dream.Copy !req
218. It smells of cheese.Copy !req
219. It tastes of cheese.Copy !req
220. Course.
It's an improvement on the real one.Copy !req
221. Real credit cards taste like shit.Copy !req
222. They call it a ruddy food court,
it just means you have to queue twice.Copy !req
223. You've only missed the first three frames.Copy !req
224. Oh, and that's a bad miss.Copy !req
225. And a chance now for Chris Lester
as he strides towards the table,Copy !req
226. one of the taller players,
as tall as he is toned.Copy !req
227. And I think it's alright to say that
in this day and age.Copy !req
228. I agree, Peter, I don't think there's anything
wrong with mentioning in passingCopy !req
229. that Chris Lester
is very easy on the eye.Copy !req
230. It's good for the game for
a gifted young player such as Chris…Copy !req
231. A gifted, young, tall, blond player
such as Chris.Copy !req
232. He is all those things,
and I don't think it's going too farCopy !req
233. in these days of PCCopy !req
234. for me to call another man sexy,Copy !req
235. and Chris Lester is that man.Copy !req
236. He is a friend of mine,
he is a sexy young friend of mine.Copy !req
237. He is my sexy young friend.Copy !req
238. Welcome to coverage of people
running a safari park.Copy !req
239. This is John who looks after the zebras
which ran away from the camera.Copy !req
240. - John, what are you doing?
- I'm getting the zebras their food.Copy !req
241. Do zebras find it colder
in Wiltshire than Africa?Copy !req
242. They do because it is.Copy !req
243. While we let John
get on with the job he does every day,Copy !req
244. Gillian's been talking to
the head tree-counter.Copy !req
245. Fifteen thousand,
fifteen thousand and…Copy !req
246. We're getting coverage
of you counting trees.Copy !req
247. - Yeah. Oh, I've lost count.
- Sorry.Copy !req
248. One, two, three, four, five…Copy !req
249. OK, thank you for calling.
Pass us a biscuit.Copy !req
250. - Ah!
- Forget you saw that, OK.Copy !req
251. That didn't happen.Copy !req
252. Look…Copy !req
253. I have some telekinetic powers,
OK, but it's really nothing.Copy !req
254. Nothing (?) You can move objects
with your mind.Copy !req
255. Ssh, no one can ever know.Copy !req
256. Also, it's very limited. I can really
only do it with biscuits.Copy !req
257. Even so, it's a gift.
You should share it with the world.Copy !req
258. No, I vowed never to use my powers.Copy !req
259. Why not?Copy !req
260. Because when I do, things happen.Copy !req
261. Dark, terrible things.Copy !req
262. At first I thought it was harmless.Copy !req
263. I suppose I was so high on the thrill,
I didn't realiseCopy !req
264. that even then my powers
were consuming meCopy !req
265. like I was the last segment
of a high-quality shortbread fan.Copy !req
266. Jane… Jane is that you?Copy !req
267. Rod, what a surprise.Copy !req
268. Why didn't you call me?Copy !req
269. - It was complicated.
- Your mother told me you'd died.Copy !req
270. I didn't want to hurt you
and you were so persistent.Copy !req
271. Still, er… water under the bridge, eh?Copy !req
272. All my rage and fear welled up inside meCopy !req
273. and expressed itself in biscuit form.Copy !req
274. Are you alright, mate?Copy !req
275. You may call it a gift,
but it's a curse, my friend.Copy !req
276. Tragedy has stalked me at every turn.Copy !req
277. - That's why you can never tell.
- No, you were just a kid, then.Copy !req
278. You're older now and wiser.Copy !req
279. You're manager of this sub-team,
for God's sake.Copy !req
280. Think of the good you could do
with one of these now.Copy !req
281. Not with that one, actually.
That's a Jaffa cake, it's not a true biscuit.Copy !req
282. Whatever, the point is
you could do great works,Copy !req
283. become famous
or at least get a better job.Copy !req
284. - Something in hospitality, perhaps.
- No, it's too dangerous.Copy !req
285. Damn it, I won't let you
squander your gift.Copy !req
286. I'm gonna call my friend.
He's a manager at McVities.Copy !req
287. No, you don't know what you're doing.Copy !req
288. Hi, Austin, it's Dan…Copy !req
289. Crikey, it's been a while. How are you?Copy !req
290. Yeah, great.Copy !req
291. Noooooooo!Copy !req
292. Damn you!Copy !req
293. Noo…Copy !req
294. Noooo…Copy !req
295. Noooooo…Copy !req
296. Noooooooo…Copy !req
297. Noooooooooo…Copy !req
298. Noooooooooooo…Copy !req
299. Noooooooooooooo…Copy !req
300. Oh, and that's a bad miss.Copy !req
301. And just look at the disappointment
on Chris Lester's pretty little face,Copy !req
302. that is a shame.Copy !req
303. He is devastated,
and I can never make up my mindCopy !req
304. whether or not he looks
more stunning in moments of adversityCopy !req
305. such as these,Copy !req
306. than he does in moments
of elation and joy.Copy !req
307. Ted, for the fullest answer
to that questionCopy !req
308. you'd have to ask
his lovely girlfriend, Jackie,Copy !req
309. but I know what you mean.
There is a quality to his fragile isolationCopy !req
310. that puts you in mind
of Winona Ryder in court.Copy !req
311. Which is about as sexy as it gets.Copy !req
312. But for my money
it's when he walks into the Crucible barCopy !req
313. after a big win or a few snatched moments
with JackieCopy !req
314. and the light from the fruit machine
dances through his hairCopy !req
315. and he smiles
and he turns that smile onto you.Copy !req
316. It's like basking in the light of twin suns.Copy !req
317. You're quite right, Peter.
It makes me thankful my op went OK.Copy !req
318. J' Sur la plageCopy !req
319. J' Je collectionne les coquillagesCopy !req
320. J' Sur la plage…Copy !req
321. Oh, no. No, not again.Copy !req
322. No way. No, you're not gonna
get me this time.Copy !req
323. No siree. Nope, sorry, mate.Copy !req
324. J' En forme de coeurCopy !req
325. You bloody bastard.Copy !req
326. J' En forme de coeur…Copy !req
327. The thing about having kids
is you get to watchCopy !req
328. all those cartoons you used to love again.Copy !req
329. They're disappointing. I watched
"Postman Pat" with JakeCopy !req
330. - and couldn't believe how bad it was.
- The worst oneCopy !req
331. is "Captain bloody Pugwash."Copy !req
332. Oh, no, not really.Copy !req
333. No, it is. It's dire. When its mouth moves,
it just goes "buh, buh, buh, buh".Copy !req
334. That's a bit harsh. It was good.Copy !req
335. It's awful. Don't tell me one
of you worked on it.Copy !req
336. Yes, actually, Damian…Copy !req
337. Damian was in it.Copy !req
338. - Hi.
- You guys are winding me up.Copy !req
339. - No, they're not.
- Really? You didn't write for it did you?Copy !req
340. No, I was in it, actually.
I played Steven.Copy !req
341. - Steven?
- Steven Pugwash, the captain.Copy !req
342. Oh. Oh, right.Copy !req
343. Stupid of me.Copy !req
344. I didn't recognise
you without your, erm…Copy !req
345. I don't go round all day
dressed as a pirate.Copy !req
346. No, of course not.
What I said about your mouth…Copy !req
347. Really, forget about it.
As it happens I actually haveCopy !req
348. a condition which paralyzes
my upper lip.Copy !req
349. That's why I wear this moustache,
but you weren't to know.Copy !req
350. And, erm… what are you doing these days?Copy !req
351. This and that. You might have
seen me in the Kenco campaign.Copy !req
352. - The one with the…
- Pirates, yes.Copy !req
353. I do rather suffer from typecasting.Copy !req
354. Thinking about it, there was
a lot to like about "Captain Pugwash".Copy !req
355. It had a real charm to it
and the performances were great.Copy !req
356. Well, thank you.Copy !req
357. It was better than some of
the rubbish that was on,Copy !req
358. "The Flumps", "Dogtanian",
er… "King Rollo".Copy !req
359. I mean, what the hell was that?
He was like some kind of psycho child.Copy !req
360. I see. My boyfriend played King Rollo.Copy !req
361. Come on Adrian, we're leaving.Copy !req
362. I tell you what's caught my eye
in the headlines.Copy !req
363. - Oh, shut up, David.
- I was just going to say…Copy !req
364. I don't want to hear your jokes
about the newsCopy !req
365. when I'm trying to have a nice rest.Copy !req
366. - No, it's just that my eye was caught…
- Get on a panel show.Copy !req
367. You've got a big boil of topical satire
that needs lancing.Copy !req
368. No, I'm just interested in world affairs
and at the same time very, very witty.Copy !req
369. I wasn't gonna do a joke,
I was gonna say that my eyeCopy !req
370. was caught by this whole scandal
in America.Copy !req
371. Ooh, the scandal in America.
Yeah, that is interesting.Copy !req
372. That must be the biggest scandal
since Watergate Gate.Copy !req
373. Since what?Copy !req
374. The US government hasn't been
this screwed since…Copy !req
375. You have to go all the way
back to Watergate Gate.Copy !req
376. Watergate Gate? Isn't it just Watergate?Copy !req
377. No, that would mean
it was just about water.Copy !req
378. No, it was a scandal or gate,
add the suffix gate,Copy !req
379. involving the Watergate Hotel,Copy !req
380. so it was called the Watergate scandal
or Watergate Gate.Copy !req
381. But doesn't the term "gate", meaning
a scandal, come from Watergate?Copy !req
382. What, take the last four letters
of a previous scandal or hotelCopy !req
383. and add it on to all future scandals?
That can't be the system.Copy !req
384. - I think it is.
- What if there's a scandal about water?Copy !req
385. What do you call that?Copy !req
386. Well, you'd call it Waterga—Copy !req
387. Oh, I see what you mean, erm…
Aqua Gate?Copy !req
388. It's not great, is it?Copy !req
389. Ohh, it's lovely, thank you.Copy !req
390. Yes.Copy !req
391. And this is from me and Ben.
Merry Christmas.Copy !req
392. Ooh, is this what I think it is? Could be.Copy !req
393. It is, it's some heroin.Copy !req
394. Hooray.Copy !req
395. - We know how much you like heroin, so…
- Too right.Copy !req
396. 'Cause we were saying,
"Can we get him heroin?Copy !req
397. "We got him heroin last year",
but then Susie said,Copy !req
398. "Sod it, let's just get him heroin."Copy !req
399. You can never have
too much heroin, that's what I say.Copy !req
400. Well, it's Christmas, isn't it?Copy !req
401. - This is from us.
- Ooh, wonder what this is.Copy !req
402. Hope you like it. We both know how much
you like heroin so we thought…Copy !req
403. Oh, it's a book
of heroin anecdotes, great.Copy !req
404. We thought a bit more interesting
than just giving you heroin again.Copy !req
405. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
406. But we got you some heroin
to have while you're reading it.Copy !req
407. Oh. You silly sods!Copy !req
408. And this is from me.Copy !req
409. Ooh, thank you, Grandma.Copy !req
410. It's some cocaine.Copy !req
411. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
412. That is the one you wanted, isn't it?Copy !req
413. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
414. The man said that would
be the one you wanted.Copy !req
415. I tried to describe it
and I did the face that you doCopy !req
416. when you've had some, you know,
"Urghhh… ."Copy !req
417. - And he said that would be the one.
- Right.Copy !req
418. I'll take it back for you, love,
and change it for some heroin.Copy !req
419. Thanks, Mum.Copy !req
420. Ooh, look, James. "Kids rapids ride".Copy !req
421. Hello, what's this, then?Copy !req
422. Er, put the kid in the ring,
send him down the rapids.Copy !req
423. Ah, sounds exciting…Copy !req
424. You put him
in the ring and just literally…Copy !req
425. Yeah, we just literally give him
a shove off that bridge thereCopy !req
426. and he goes down the stream,
very exciting.Copy !req
427. Right, and it's all safe and everything?
You've done it before?Copy !req
428. Yeah. No, well, actually no, well no.
We tested it on a football.Copy !req
429. Right.Copy !req
430. - Not that one.
- You sure?Copy !req
431. Oh, yeah, 'cause the one
we tested it on we never saw again.Copy !req
432. You never got it back?Copy !req
433. Well, it's a football, isn't it?
It's not a boomerang or a child.Copy !req
434. - I mean, it can't say it's lost.
- Sorry, I mean, this is all fine, isn't it?Copy !req
435. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's all fine.
It's all fine, course it is.Copy !req
436. I won't stay in business
very long if it isn't…Copy !req
437. I wouldn't have stayed
in business very long if it wasn't.Copy !req
438. You've got a safety certificate?Copy !req
439. You can make so-called certificates
prove whatever you want.Copy !req
440. - Have you got one?
- That's what I'm saying.Copy !req
441. You can make certificates
prove whatever you want, look.Copy !req
442. "Royal Academy of Safe Rapid Rides
certifies that Barry CrispCopy !req
443. "definitely knows what he's doing."
Yeah, well, that all seems in order.Copy !req
444. Right, do you fancy a ride then, James?Copy !req
445. - Let's take that as a yes.
- OK, let's get that ring on.Copy !req
446. OK.Copy !req
447. That's a fiverCopy !req
448. and an extra two quid,
hire of an oar.Copy !req
449. Oh, really, will he need one?Copy !req
450. - Well, I'd have thought so.
- Right.Copy !req
451. - I mean, I'd want one. Wouldn't you?
- OK.Copy !req
452. - And, er… three quid deposit on the ring.
- Why?Copy !req
453. - In case I don't get the ring back.
- Is that likely?Copy !req
454. Yeah.Copy !req
455. Come this way.Copy !req
456. Oh, and that's a bad miss.Copy !req
457. Chris Lester approaches the table now.Copy !req
458. His trademark headband, Ted,Copy !req
459. is that purely practical or is it also
for the purposes of fashion?Copy !req
460. Well, he assures us, Peter,
it's purely practical.Copy !req
461. It's to keep his plentiful locks
out of his forget-me-not blue eyes.Copy !req
462. But it does look terrific.Copy !req
463. Yes, well, we've all got them now.Copy !req
464. And he's set something of a trend
amongst the younger players, Ted,Copy !req
465. but, er… needless to say, none of them lookCopy !req
466. anywhere near as good
in theirs as Chris does in his.Copy !req
467. Peter Ebdon in particular
looks ridiculous,Copy !req
468. but I gather that Chris
is quite attached to his hairbandCopy !req
469. 'cause I was chatting to his lovely
girlfriend Jackie the other nightCopy !req
470. and, er… she was telling me
that, er… he even wears it in bed.Copy !req
471. Does he?Copy !req
472. Boy, oh boy.Copy !req
473. What a sight that must be for JackieCopy !req
474. or for his other girlfriend Amanda…Copy !req
475. .. during their more intimate
romantic moments.Copy !req
476. Chris looming over them,
his face flushed with concentration,Copy !req
477. just as he is as he gets down
to this long red.Copy !req
478. Ted, it's happened again.Copy !req
479. Oh, Peter, you'll just have to sit in it
till the mid-session interval.Copy !req
480. OK, ready?Copy !req
481. Off you go.Copy !req
482. Ooh, I think the nerves
got to him a bit there.Copy !req
483. that Mitchell and Webb lookCopy !req