That Mitchell and Webb Look 1x1

1. Very well.

2. They're coming.

3. Now we'll see how these Russians deal with a crack SS Division.

4. Uh... Hans...

5. Have courage, my friend.

6. Yeah, er... Hans, I've just noticed something.

7. These Communists are all cowards.

8. Have you Iooked at our caps recently?

9. Our caps?

10. The badges on our caps, have you Iooked at them?

11. What? No... A bit.

12. They've got skulls on them.

13. Mm?

14. Have you noticed that our caps

15. have actually got Iittle pictures of skulls on them?

16. I... I don't, er...

17. Hans...

18. - Are we the baddies?

19. OK, Angel Summoner, the kidnappers are holding a hostage at that warehouse,

20. but I've got a plan.

21. OK, BMX Bandit, let's hear it.

22. I ride in through that window using my BMX

23. and spin my rear wheel, kicking some mud up into their faces.

24. While they're distracted, I'll pop a wheelie,

25. knocking the guns out of their hands, then you go in and untie the girl.

26. Right.

27. Or I could just summon a horde of angels to sort it out.

28. But then how would I be using my BMX?

29. Well, you wouldn't need to. The angels would just take care of it.

30. Oh, OK. We could do that if you want.

31. - Angelic hordes come forth.

32. Thank you, Angel Summoner.

33. Oh, er... and the BMX Bandit.

34. Whatever.

35. Hello and welcome to "Numberwang",

36. the maths quiz everyone is talking about.

37. Our contestants today are Julie from Somerset

38. and Simon from Somerset.

39. - Julie, any hobbies down in Somerset? - Yes.

40. - Simon? - No.

41. Great, OK. Well, if you're ready, let's play Numberwang.

42. - Julie to play first. - 3.

43. - 9. - 16.

44. - 12. - 8.2.

45. - 4. - That's Numberwang.

46. - Simon to play first. - 27.

47. - 30. - Oh, er, 18.

48. - 54. - That's Numberwang.

49. Let's go to the maths board, Julie?

50. Er, I'll have the 4, the 6 and the 3.4.

51. That's Numberwang. We like those decimals, Julie. Simon?

52. I'd like the root 14 and the 12.

53. Numberwang. Round three. Julie to play first.

54. - 8 minus 4. - That's Numberwang. Simon?

55. - Er, 109 times 17. - That's Numberwang. Julie?

56. - 47.

57. That's the Numberwang bonus, triple Numberwang to Julie.

58. Julie, you're ahead on 77, Simon, you trail on 83.

59. Everything hinges on the final round. It's time for Wangernumb!

60. Let's rotate the board.

61. Let's play Wangernumb. Julie to play first.

62. - 43. - Simon?

63. - Er, 27. - 200.

64. - 3. - 1.

65. Ooh... Ah... Eh...

66. That's Wangernumb!

67. Oh, bad Iuck, Julie. You've been Wangernumbed,

68. but, Simon, you are today's Numberwang.

69. That's all from Numberwang. Until tomorrow's edition, stay Numberwang

70. and remember out there...

71. (ALL) Good Numberwang!

72. - That bar is badly understaffed. - It's started.

73. Oh, and that's a bad miss.

74. It's very upsetting for him.

75. Harry Vaughan is old enough

76. to remember the days when that long walk back from the table

77. ended in the consolation of a proper drink.

78. Instead all he can do is imagine that pint at the end of the session,

79. the cooling, Iagery swallow and that first suck on a Lambert.

80. What a contrast. Look at Harry Vaughan staring mournfully at his water.

81. Look at that. You could put a goldfish in that glass and it wouldn't even die.

82. Hello, it's me, Jason. You know me.

83. I came fourth in "Big Brother Seven"

84. and third in "Celebrity Big Brother Three" just six months Iater.

85. Beat that, Ainsley.

86. I'm Fiona Ashcroft, professional clothes stylist.

87. - Yeah, like that's a job. - We get on! Chemistry.

88. Welcome to another edition of "How Not What to Look Like".

89. Why don't you do that bit (?)

90. "How Not What to Look Like", "How Not What to Look Like".

91. And this week's volunteer is Anita who's from Coventry

92. where she's a mother and a home-maker.

93. - What, a builder or a housewife? - Honestly, Jason.

94. Yeah, chemistry.

95. And here she is.

96. - Oh, God. - Hi.

97. Now, just before we get started, the burka, is that...

98. Th... that stays, obviously.

99. Oh, brother!

100. Er, David.

101. - Yeah. - I'm a bit worried about that, actually.

102. - Why? - Well, the whole burka thing.

103. I'm... I'm not sure we quite know what we're trying to say.

104. Do we have to be saying anything?

105. Well, no, but...

106. I mean, aren't we just taking the piss out of people's

107. sincerely-held beliefs?

108. Well, maybe but I think you can worry too much about this kind of thing.

109. I mean, what's offensive to one person

110. is just good clean fun to the other.

111. Yeah.

112. I see you've started blacking up again.

113. Yeah.

114. Was that because you were playing an Asian woman?

115. - No, I just like it. - Right.

116. I think it's more...

117. - me. - OK.

118. Don't you think people might think...?

119. - I don't care. - OK.

120. I've got to the point where I just don't care what people think anymore.

121. OK, that's the boat with the cocaine on-board.

122. I'll ride to the end of the pier on my BMX,

123. hook onto the crane and swing on-board

124. surprising the burly henchman, then I'll pop a wheelie,

125. knock them overboard and you can come in and grab the cartel Ieader.

126. Yeah. Yeah, sounds good, or we could just use the angels again.

127. I could summon them, no problem.

128. Yeah, all right, call the angels.

129. Shall we?

130. Fine, do it.

131. Er... Right, you don't seem at all happy.

132. Well, we're supposed to be a partnership

133. but to be honest I'm starting to feel a Iittle bit overshadowed here.

134. Oh, right. Why's that?

135. Well, I think the thing is that your ability to summon

136. a horde of celestial super beings at will

137. is making my BMX skills look a bit redundant.

138. Yeah, well, but at the end of the day it's all about results.

139. Well, yeah, but I'm quite good on my BMX.

140. I-I tell you what, we'll use the angels this time

141. but the next crisis we're involved in we'll solve using BMX-based tactics, OK?

142. Yeah, OK. Go on, summon them.

143. - Angelic hordes come forth.

144. I could have done that.

145. - This is nice, Henry. - Isn't it?

146. It's amazing how restaurants have changed over the last 20 years.

147. What with gastro pubs and All Bar One,

148. things like that, it's just so easy now.

149. Are you ready to order, sir?

150. Sorry, mate, haven't had a look yet.

151. Can we order a bottle of the house red to be going on with?

152. "Mate", "the house red", "to be going on with" (?)

153. Where the hell do you think you are?

154. - Sorry. - Do you know what the house red is?

155. Are you even an expert on wine? If you're not, I don't know

156. on what basis you venture to order it.

157. What happened to the friendly Australian girl that used to work here?

158. She's gone, sir. They've all gone.

159. - And we're back. - Who?

160. The incredibly posh people who are still unaccountably waiters.

161. And I'm afraid we've changed the rules.

162. - Well, we'd still like to order. - I saw you in here last week.

163. I saw you drinking your soup.

164. I saw you blowing and slurping and dunking your bread.

165. We were watching you on the monitors in the kitchen

166. and we all thought you were a dick.

167. I can't believe you talk to paying customers like this.

168. I can't believe you're continuing with this.

169. You know that I can destroy you.

170. Observe my trolley, these are my weapons.

171. Today, I'm recommending the consomme, which as every schoolboy knows,

172. provided your school wasn't free, is to be consumed

173. only using a vichyssoise fork. It's all in the wrist.

174. And for sir...

175. crab, which you're supposed to tackle using this.

176. Make sure you kill it right or it's poisonous.

177. Off you go.

178. You're not allowed to swap.

179. My, my, it's like watching "The Generation Game".

180. I expect that's a reference you get.

181. Right, I've had just about enough of you talking to me like this.

182. - I'd like to see the manager. - How can I introduce YOU to the manager?

183. You haven't shaved, you're not wearing a tie and you hold your Iadle like a pen.

184. Now, take your gaudy but gratifyingly mute girlfriend and get out.

185. - Oh, and that's a bad miss.

186. Oh, and a special thank you to Mrs I Beasley from Suffolk

187. who's written to say she's been enjoying the coverage

188. and she's sent us a Iittle present.

189. Well, people every now and again like to show their appreciation

190. when they've been enjoying a tournament, so, er...

191. Oh, my word, that... that is... That is much appreciated.

192. Thank you very much, Mrs N Beanley...

193. - Beasley! - We won't embarrass you by saying

194. what it is, but just to say, you know... cheers!

195. Yes, very nice.

196. - Yeah, it's like Christmas, isn't it?

197. - It is Christmas. - Oh, shit, the kids!

198. Right. Let's see.

199. We should be able to hold them here, at least for a few hours.

200. - I mean, why skulls, though? - What?

201. Why skulls?

202. Well, maybe they're the skulls of our enemies.

203. Maybe, but is that how it comes across?

204. It doesn't say next to the skull, you know,

205. "Yeah, we killed him but trust us, this guy was horrid."

206. Well, no, but...

207. I mean, what do skulls make you think of?

208. Death, cannibals, beheading, erm... pirates?

209. Pirates are fun.

210. I didn't say we weren't fun, but fun or not,

211. pirates are still the baddies.

212. I just can't think of anything good about a skull.

213. What about pure Aryan skull shape?

214. Even that is more usually depicted with the skin still on, whereas the allies...

215. You haven't been listening to ally propaganda.

216. - They're bound to say we're bad guys. - But they didn't get to design our uniforms

217. and their symbols are all, you know, quite nice,

218. stars, stripes, Iions, sickles.

219. - What's so good about a sickle? - Well, nothing.

220. And if there's one thing we've Iearnt in 1,000 miles of retreat,

221. it's that Russian agriculture's in dire need of mechanisation.

222. - Tell me about it. - You've got to say it's better than a skull.

223. I really can't think of anything worse as a symbol than a skull.

224. A rat's... anus?

225. Yeah, and if we were fighting an army, marching under the banner of a rat's anus

226. I'd probably be a lot less worried, Hans.

227. OK. So...

228. Welcome to "Big Talk", your weekly gulletful of the massively important.

229. I'm Raymond Terrific and gathered around me

230. are the biggest bunch of eggheads and brainiacs that taxis can be sent to fetch.

231. Together we're gonna be thrashing out some absolutely colossal issues.

232. Right, first up, Aids pandemic in Africa. Come on, boffins, let's sort this out.

233. - What do we reckon, Richard? - As usual, you've raised a huge question...

234. Of course I have, this is "Big Talk". Let's get this sorted once and for all.

235. Well, I think the root of the problem is in education.

236. Right, send more, sleeves rolled up, ships full of schools. Is that the answer?

237. - Leonard? - Er, no...

238. Cancel the schools ships. Come on, let's really bang our heads together.

239. - If I could... - You're the biggest boffin.

240. Sort these guys out and let's stop the dying if we can be bothered.

241. It's less about education, more about money.

242. Right, they need money, How much money, Tim?

243. - Well, it's difficult... - How much money to get this sorted?

244. - Leonard. Leonard! - Er...

245. Don't desert me, boffins.

246. Er, s-s-seven hundred billion pounds?

247. Oh, no, that's enormous.

248. Where are we gonna find that? Come on, work it out.

249. I've got a house worth three hundred K,

250. so seven hundred billion minus three hund...

251. Oh, we are nowhere near.

252. Right, OK, get some pizza in, speed dial three.

253. We're gonna crack this if it takes all night.

254. Yeah, it's a medical drama

255. but with the emphasis on drama rather than medicine.

256. I think you can get far too bogged down in so-called research.

257. The producer arranged for us to follow

258. a team of paramedics around for a month

259. - but instinctively that felt wrong. - I mean, a month (?)

260. - We wanted to cut through... - I had a holiday booked.

261. We just wanted to cut through all that high-flown medical jargon

262. and just really get into what makes people tick.

263. - Do people tick? - Yeah, I think so.

264. (MAN) Last week on Emergency Medical Treatment...

265. That never gets any easier.

266. Quickly, Doctor, this patient is incredibly poorly.

267. My God, I don't think I've ever seen anyone Iooking so peaky,

268. get me the medicine in here right now.

269. Stand aside, Doctor, this is my patient.

270. - I'm doing the treatment here. - I'm sorry, I can't let you do that,

271. you're just the sort of doctor who makes people go to sleep,

272. whereas I specialise in people who've been in the wars in this particular way.

273. - The medicine, Doctor. - You fool, nurse.

274. This is medicine for a different illness from this one.

275. - Am I going to be all right? - Definitely,

276. but we need to give you a spoonful of the right medicine and maybe a tablet.

277. - This isn't going to taste very nice.

278. I'm going to use the electric shock that's a sort of medicine if you're very ill

279. but can make you sort of ill if you're fine. Clear!

280. Oh, no, he was fine, now he's poorly from too much electric.

281. Cause of death, Doctor?

282. Well, one thing's for sure, he Iiked butter.

283. - So, who shall we invite to our next do? - Oh, let's invite Moneypenny.

284. Oh, yeah, let's have Moneypenny. She's always good value.

285. - AIthough... - What?

286. There's a chance she'll bring that bloke.

287. Oh, God, I think I know the one you mean.

288. - The tall one, what's his name, John? - James.

289. James, yeah. What a penis.

290. You remember last time, it was only a barbecue and he turned up in his tuxedo.

291. Stood around making smug remarks. What does Moneypenny see in him?

292. Do you remember that do I had before Christmas?

293. - Moneypenny brings John... - James...

294. James along. "God", but I thought Christmas spirit...

295. - Absolutely. - I said "Hi, James, we've got mulled wine

296. - "or there's some beer in the fridge." - Yeah.

297. - Cock asked for a Martini. - A Martini?

298. - A Martini, yeah. - Oh, come on.

299. So I said, "I'm sorry, James, I don't think I've got any Martini."

300. I mean, why would I have any Martini? What does he think it is? 1973?

301. I mean, where does that guy get off,

302. he keeps leaving these around.

303. I think he gets them free at work.

304. It's Moneypenny I feel for. When I was going round with the voddy...

305. - What? - I said to Moneypenny,

306. "Can you manage another finger in there?" meaning...

307. - Finger of vodka in her drink. - Exactly.

308. - Self-explanatory. - Then James starts rolling his eyes

309. like he's having some kind of stroke

310. and says, "Oh, you can always get another finger inside Moneypenny."

311. - He said what? - I just Iiterally did not know where to look.

312. - Finger inside Moneypenny? - I know,

313. and I don't think Moneypenny was turned on.

314. She was probably recovering from the Darren incident.

315. - Oh, what was that? - Oh, didn't you hear?

316. Darren turned up

317. and anyway he starts getting a bit Iippy about James's cigarette case.

318. - What did he say? - That it was gay.

319. - Well, it is gay. - Yeah, I know, exactly.

320. Everyone's Iaughing, thinking, "Bit cheeky," but, you know,

321. and then suddenly James picks him up and throws him through a window.

322. BIoody hell, is that why Darren can't walk now?

323. Yes. Poor guy Ianded on a railing spike

324. and it went straight through his spine.

325. Everyone's in shock apart from James

326. who strolls over to the window, glances down and says,

327. "What a piercing bore."

328. "Piercing bore", there's no such expression.

329. I know, well, the railing was right next to a crusher.

330. It's pretty clear he'd wanted to say "crushing bore"

331. but he'd missed and he was making the best of a bad job.

332. All right, BMX Bandit, this is the situation.

333. The terrorists have that building rigged to blow.

334. They're ruthless, nervous and very heavily armed

335. and there are at least 30 of them.

336. I propose you ride to the edge of this building at high speed

337. and attempt to make the 70-metre jump across. When you land,

338. assuming you haven't fallen short and been dashed on the ground,

339. you pop a wheelie or do an endo or whatever BMX trick you think suitable

340. for disarming a group of fanatics with assault weapons.

341. I will stay here and watch.

342. Yeah, you see, this is one situation where maybe it would be more sensible

343. just to summon some angels.

344. No, no, a promise is a promise. We're gonna do this your way.

345. Come on, this is well within your abilities.

346. You're the BMX Bandit.

347. You're right, I can do this.

348. OK, here goes.

349. Yes, go BMX Bandit, you're doing it.

350. It's amazing, I can't believe I'm still airborne.

351. Yes, it's remarkable.

352. It really is. This is the Iongest jump I or anybody else on a BMX

353. has ever performed.

354. It's a real testimony to your BMXing skills.

355. I can't believe I'm able to have this quite long conversation with you

356. whilst apparently flying unaid...

357. Oh, I get it.

358. You shit!

359. You've summoned a Ioad of invisible frigging angels to support me.

360. Well, only a couple, it's still mainly you, honestly.

361. - Call 'em off. - Why not look on them as backup?

362. Call 'em off now. I can do this, I'm the BMX Bandit.

363. All right, then.

364. Yeah, thanks for believing in me, mate.

365. You see, I'm absolutely...

366. - fiiiiiine.

367. Tune in next week for the all new adventures of Angel Summoner

368. and Gymkhana Girl.

369. - What are those? - Sugar Iumps.

370. Oh, right.

371. Eight.

372. Mummy, Daddy, come and push me on the swing

373. - OK. - Coming, darling.

374. (MAN) No one likes to think that the worst might happen.

375. Wee, will you push me further?

376. Of course, darling. Oh, Roger, did you sort out that life insurance?

377. Couldn't be bothered, life's great now so let's not think about it.

378. Do you want to play on the swings, Lucy?

379. No, they remind me of Mummy, who's dead now.

380. Of course, besides I've got a bad back from worry,

381. and have become a drunk.

382. It's a pity you didn't take out that insurance, after all.

383. Do you want a smack?

384. Of course, no amount of money can ever replace a spouse or Ioved one,

385. so at Dreamy Pastures Insurance we won't give you any money,

386. instead we will replace your spouse or Ioved one

387. with someone sexier and kinder.

388. Within ten days of receipt of your tragic news,

389. we'll stick a gorgeous AIbanian teenager on the next cabbage boat.

390. She'll be thinner than your previous spouse,

391. initially at least and having been brought up in an absolute shit hole,

392. you can be sure she won't give you any lip.

393. Wee, my mummy doesn't make me do my homework.

394. I know, darling, it's because she can't read.

395. Dreamy Pastures lnsurance...

396. because no one's irreplaceable.

397. David, I've got this great...

398. Why you being filmed?

399. It's for the background of the one of the DVD menus.

400. What, just you sitting there?

401. I sit here for five minutes and they Ioop it.

402. At one point I scratch my face.

403. - Well, who's gonna watch that? - Freaks.

404. Oh, right. Well, can you do it Iater?

405. Well, I was just getting into it, but all right.

406. I thought this would be a good time to do my banana dance.

407. - What? - You know I mentioned

408. to the executive producer that I should get a banana

409. and make up a funny dance and vibe it

410. and it'd be brilliant and he said that was a good idea.

411. He just says yes to the last thing he's heard.

412. Yeah, so shall I do it now?

413. - No. - Well, can I at least show you?

414. Er, OK, hang on a minute.

415. What do you think?

416. Shit.

417. Stop, thief! He's stolen your wallet, but he's dropped your keys.

418. - Where? - There.

419. Quick, Ginger, we haven't a moment to lose.

420. On a lonely planet

421. amid the despair of a broken human race, who will fight for all that is good

422. and gets you smashed for under a fiver? Yes, it's the surprising adventures of me,

423. Sir Digby Chicken Caesar.

424. At last, my grant from the Foreign Office. Now we'll finally crack this mystery.

425. Sir, I can't feel my left bottom.

426. The story so far.

427. As usual, Ginger and l are engaged in our quest

428. to find out what's going on and save humanity from my nemesis,

429. some bastard who's presumably responsible.

430. Tickets for "Mama Mia!"

431. While posing as ticket touts outside "Mama Mia!",

432. one of my nemesis's henchmen, wearing a cunning disguise,

433. tries to foil our plan.

434. Come on, gents, move along, please.

435. Take his number, Ginger.

436. I'm trying, sir, but he's quite strong for a henchman.

437. It's all right, I'll get help.

438. Sir! He's taking me away!

439. I'm indebted to you, madam. Write to my club for full remuneration.

440. Ah, Ginger where have you been?

441. I've been in a police cell for two days, sir.

442. Well done, Ginger, what did you find out?

443. I've been in a police cell for two days, sir.

444. Forgive me, you must be tired. Have a sip from my can.

445. I've made a new contact. Ginger meet Jock.

446. Hello. Oh, I think he's fallen asleep, sir.

447. Of course, he's reserving his energy for the fight against my nemesis.

448. - Actually, I think he's dead, sir. - Really?

449. - Yeah, he'd have felt that. - Yeah.

450. The forces of darkness have... Give me my can back.

451. The forces of darkness are moving in. Quick.

452. Search Jock, see if he's got any money.

453. Will Jock have money or will Ginger have to go back on the game?

454. Where will my nemesis strike again? Will he attack a politician,

455. attempt a terrorist outrage or try to steal my special plastic bag

456. full of cloth and litter?

457. Yes!

458. Ginger, you bastard.

459. Find out next week in "The Surprising Adventures of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar".