1. I can't stop thinking about you.
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2. Even though we're together right now,
I miss you.
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3. I know. Since we told each other
how we really feel, it's been so intense.
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4. Leia, I wanna wash your hair.
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5. I wanna wash yours.
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6. But mainly 'cause it's a little greasy.
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7. Actually, I've been thinking...
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8. We love each other,
and we've been together for over a year.
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9. And... I think I'm ready
to take things to the next level.
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10. Please forget I did
that thing with my hand.
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11. Are you sure? I don't want you
to feel like we're rushing into this.
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12. According to the dream I had last night,
I don't feel that way.
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13. It was pretty graphic.
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14. And in German.
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15. My tutor would be so proud.
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16. I had a dream too, but it was dumb,
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17. so let's talk about
what you're talking about.
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18. I love you,
and I'm ready to go all the way.
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19. What?
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20. What did you just say?
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21. I mean, go all the way
to Green Bay... on our bikes.
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22. They just got a Quiznos.
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23. Leia, it's okay.
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24. I think your grandfather
would respect our honesty.
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25. Mr. Forman,
I love your granddaughter deeply,
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26. and when two people
feel this way about each other,
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27. the next natural step
is the act of making love.
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28. Hospital.
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29. - What?
- Take me to the hospital.
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30. Hello, Wisconsin!
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31. I'm telling you,
it's textbook Stockholm syndrome.
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32. That girl was held captive and fed lies.
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33. Don't ruin Beauty and the Beast for me.
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34. Plus, you're ignoring the fact
that the Beast was hot.
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35. And frankly, so was the candle.
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36. Don't overreact
to what I'm about to tell you,
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37. but I need you two to go to the drugstore.
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38. I can't, because my mom's the pharmacist—
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39. Wait, your mom's a pharmacist,
and your dad's a doctor?
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40. You're paying for everything from now on.
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41. Fine, but that's not—
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42. Does she get to decide
what color the pills are?
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43. Whatever. I need you guys
to buy me a pregnancy test.
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44. You're pregnant?
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45. You all said I was paranoid,
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46. but I knew she lived in the kitchen.
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47. Look, I don't know, Mrs. Forman,
but my period is late, and I'm panicking.
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48. - I mean, how could this have happened?
- Oh, sweetie, I think you know.
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49. - Have you talked to your parents?
- No.
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50. I don't want them getting upset
before I know anything for sure.
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51. I mean, you should've seen
the way Nate reacted...
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52. I missed my period.
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53. Women.
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54. You always complain about it,
and now you miss it.
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55. No, I think I'm pregnant.
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56. Pregnant with what?
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57. A baby?
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58. The melting Popsicle woke him up.
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59. Why isn't he here with you right now?
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60. Is he just sitting this one out? Hell no.
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61. Let's not overreact.
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62. Maybe he just skipped town,
never to be seen again.
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63. Oh, wait, that's probably
what you're worried about.
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64. I'm gonna bring his ass over here.
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65. Okay.
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66. I know we're all thinking about
how wonderful your baby would smell.
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67. But we should focus. How late are you?
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68. Almost two weeks.
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69. And I am never late. Not for school,
choir, fencing, tennis, yearbook—
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70. Now you can join the Teen Moms Club.
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71. Honey, just take a breath.
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72. Let's get you that pregnancy test.
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73. I have a few upstairs.
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74. In her high school days,
my daughter Laurie was also very... social.
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75. So this is where you're hiding?
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76. Gwen. I'm about to tell you something
that'll blow your mind.
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77. Nikki might be pregnant?
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78. Whoa. Is this one of those
brother-sister connections,
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79. where you can read my mind?
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80. - What am I thinking about right now?
- Nikki might be pregnant.
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81. No way.
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82. She told me what happened,
and now she's freaking out.
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83. Look, I know I messed up,
but... I'm gonna do the right thing.
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84. That's why I'm in here. I was gonna
steal one of your rings to propose.
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85. - Propose?
- Yeah.
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86. Are you stupid?
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87. No, I've got it all planned out.
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88. I'm gonna drop out of high school
and start mowing lawns,
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89. so I can make enough money to buy a boat,
so I can become a fisherman,
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90. and make enough to buy a lottery ticket
for every combination of numbers,
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91. so I'm guaranteed to win.
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92. Nikki will be taken care of,
and then I can return to my first love.
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93. Mowing lawns.
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94. - There's only one problem...
- One problem?
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95. This.
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96. I've gotten my finger stuck
in so many things, but this is the worst.
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97. Why?
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98. I wanted to see what it would look like
on the hand of someone I love.
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99. I said, "Yes."
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100. That was so scary. Are you okay?
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101. Oh, I feel fine.
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102. The doctor said
I just had some palpitations
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103. from the disappointment
of seeing you ruin your life.
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104. I appreciate the concern, Mr. Forman,
but... she's not gonna ruin my life.
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105. I wasn't speaking to you.
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106. I am never speaking to you.
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107. I'm gonna call Grandma
and tell her we're at the hospital.
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108. No, no, no.
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109. Don't worry her.
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110. She'll just take away my salt.
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111. I'm just waiting for some test results,
and then we'll be on our way.
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112. And until then... I won't leave your side.
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113. - We're family now.
- Let's go hang out in the waiting room.
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114. When you were being sweet back there,
that was so sexy.
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115. Oh...
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116. I wasn't trying to be sexy.
I was trying to be nice to your grandpa.
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117. Oh my God, stop.
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118. Lollipop?
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119. - Not interested.
- Ah. Smart.
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120. You shouldn't take candy
from a strange man without pants.
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121. - I'm Bruce.
- Bye-bye, Bruce.
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122. These lollipops... Man, they are a godsend.
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123. You know, I was really antsy
after I quit smoking... ten minutes ago.
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124. My doctor says
if I have one more cigarette,
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125. I'm at risk of having a good time.
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126. No...
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127. I'm just kidding.
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128. He said I'd die.
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129. Sounds like you have
a lot to quietly think about.
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130. - What are you in for?
- Hey.
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131. Let's see. Heart palpitations
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132. and mad cow disease?
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133. What?
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134. I'm just joking.
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135. But that would be
a crazy way to find out, wouldn't it?
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136. - Now you share.
- Look, I don't wanna talk.
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137. I don't want to share.
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138. And quit shifting around in your bed.
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139. I can see where they shaved you.
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140. Oh no, no, no, no.
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141. That's not them. That's all me.
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142. And the key is
place your mirror on the floor.
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143. My favorite character is that teapot.
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144. The clock does all the talking,
but you know she runs the show.
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145. Okay, but question.
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146. If she was such a good mother,
why was Chip chipped?
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147. You don't know her life.
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148. It's positive.
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149. Why am I so good at taking tests?
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150. Oh, sweetie, it'll be okay.
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151. If you want,
I can help you talk to your parents.
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152. Oh no, my parents.
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153. If I actually have this baby,
what happens to my life?
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154. I'm supposed to go to Northwestern.
Without a baby!
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155. My parents are way into it.
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156. They wake me up every morning singing
the fight song. It is bad, you guys.
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157. My mom wakes up after me.
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158. She's depressed.
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159. One problem at a time, honey.
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160. I had everything all planned out,
and now it's all blowing up.
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161. Well, sometimes in the... midst of a crisis,
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162. we... we tend to open the umbrella of fear.
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163. - And—
- Hang on.
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164. Thank you. I didn't know
where I was going with that.
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165. This is a hard turd to polish.
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166. I think this test is expired.
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167. There's a picture of a pregnant lady
smoking on the box.
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168. Wait, so this could be a false positive.
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169. - How do we know for sure?
- We could all take one?
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170. Pregnant!
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171. Pregnant.
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172. Pregnant!
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173. That's the clincher.
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174. Well, that felt unnecessary.
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175. What are you doing?
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176. I'm licking the butter paper.
Everybody does it.
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177. Nobody does it.
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178. Well, they're missing out.
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179. I love butter.
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180. Butter!
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181. I love butter.
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182. Okay, I'm gonna pull your finger.
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183. Do not fart.
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184. Here's the thing, Gwen.
I'm always farting a little bit.
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185. Okay, get ready.
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186. Three, two, one...
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187. Butter.
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188. This is such a bummer.
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189. Everywhere you look,
it's the wrong kind of naked.
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190. We can still have fun.
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191. If ER has taught me anything,
it's that hospitals can be sexy.
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192. Yeah, people are hooking up
all over the place.
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193. Exactly. Let's go in here.
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194. You want to do it in a closet?
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195. No, I'm not losing my virginity
in a hospital.
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196. That's gross.
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197. But I will do hand stuff.
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198. That's my favorite kind of stuff.
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199. Taken.
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200. That's so cool. Just like on TV.
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201. What about here?
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202. Good for them.
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203. Yeah, they were cute.
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204. Yeah, professionally, I've watched
a whole lot of animals give birth.
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205. And when they come out
of their mama's baby chute,
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206. they're ready to fight.
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207. Not human babies.
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208. The only thing they come out ready to do
is pee in their own face.
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209. And that's where the coddling begins.
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210. Everything they do
is special and wonderful.
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211. It's that Mister Rogers.
He's high as a kite.
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212. Look at us!
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213. Finding common ground.
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214. What say we go outside,
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215. you have a cigarette,
and blow it in my mouth?
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216. Just... Just have one already.
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217. You haven't stopped complaining
for an hour.
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218. You're like my son at a football game.
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219. I— I can't have one.
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220. There's still so many things
I haven't done.
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221. Like be quiet for ten minutes? Ha!
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222. When I get out of here,
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223. I'm gonna do all the things
I've always wanted to do.
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224. Have a cigarette in the Grand Canyon,
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225. have one on the top of Mount Everest,
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226. have one in my mom's dining room,
'cause screw that rule.
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227. No, when it's time for me to clock out,
I'm not leaving anything on the table.
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228. You're right.
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229. We're the greatest generation,
and we don't just talk about it.
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230. We act.
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231. I'm 47.
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232. How much did you smoke?
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233. We're gonna melt it off.
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234. Gold melts faster than flesh.
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235. Trust me. This worked on DuckTales.
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236. - Dude.
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237. I'm all over the place, Gwen.
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238. I can't believe this is happening.
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239. I can't believe I'm the loser
who ruined Nikki's life.
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240. Here's the thing, Nate...
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241. You are a loser.
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242. Gwen, I'm scared.
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243. So is Nikki.
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244. You're right. What am I doing over here?
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245. - One, two, three!
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246. - You did it!
- Did it hurt?
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247. Not too bad.
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248. I'm passing out.
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249. I'm just having the worst day.
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250. Okay, second-worst day.
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251. All I wanna do
is spend time with my boyfriend,
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252. but the universe is keeping us apart,
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253. like Romeo and Juliet.
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254. It's pooping.
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255. Get your crap. We're going home.
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256. This is the longest
five minutes of my life.
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257. It's taking longer
than the actual sex did.
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258. Okay, hang in there.
The timer's gonna go off any second.
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259. Nik, I'm here.
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260. Finally, you selfish jerk.
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261. Where were you when I was pregnant?
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262. Nice of you to show up.
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263. I'm sorry. I know I should have been here.
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264. I was trying to figure out
how to do the right thing,
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265. but... now I know the right thing is
just to be here with you.
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266. I'm glad you made it.
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267. Sorry. Sorry.
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268. That one's for my cookies
in the oven. I just...
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269. I figured whatever happens here,
we'll probably want a treat.
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270. Oh. And that one's to remind me
to take the cookies out.
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271. Do I know myself or what?
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272. What are you staring at me for?
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273. That's the real timer.
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274. For the... the bun in your oven.
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275. When you are able to laugh again,
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276. that was very funny.
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277. Whatever it is, we'll do it together.
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278. It's negative.
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279. - Hey! Ho! Ha! Hey!
- Oh!
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280. Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh!
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281. Did they plan this?
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282. If they knew how to plan things...
wouldn't be in this situation.
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283. Back already?
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284. Yeah, I just thought
I might have left my keys here.
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285. Hey. What happened to Bruce?
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286. He's gone.
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287. What?
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288. Well, he was just here.
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289. We were talking.
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290. Well, he was talking.
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291. Just like that, huh?
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292. If I look like a guy who just smoked
a cigarette, it's because I did.
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293. Hey, what are you doing back here,
daddy-o?
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294. Wait a minute. Were you about to cry?
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295. Yeah, the pain in my ass just came back.
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296. You thought I was dead, sucker!
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297. You're a hoot.
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298. What's your name, pal?
I'm gonna look you up.
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299. I'd like that.
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300. Name's Bob.
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301. Bob Pinciotti.
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302. Best time to reach me
is between 2:00 and 4:00 a.m.
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303. Ah.
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304. Hey.
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305. If you're looking for Nate,
he's at the park chasing squirrels.
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306. He never gets one,
and then he pouts for two days.
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307. Actually, I came in here to talk to you.
My head's kinda spinning.
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308. Makes sense.
You dodged a big, sweaty bullet.
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309. It's weird.
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310. Today, I saw...
all of my future plans disappear.
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311. Northwestern, law school,
an affair with George Stephanopoulos.
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312. And, honestly,
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313. it was almost a relief.
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314. I thought I knew what I wanted,
but I don't know, I guess maybe I don't.
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315. Good. They want you to know what you want.
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316. - Who is "they?"
- I don't know, but they can bite me.
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317. Look, I wanna do
50 different things with my life.
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318. Pilot, rock star, activist, housewife.
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319. - What?
- Just making sure you're not zoning out.
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320. Nikki... I know your parents are
on your ass about all this stuff,
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321. but that's on them.
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322. If you wanna rollerblade
naked to California
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323. and tell everyone your name is Avocado,
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324. then do it.
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325. Is that one of your 50 things?
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326. Actually, it is,
so don't even think about it.
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327. Hey, honey.
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328. Leia just told me
you went to the hospital today.
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329. - How did you get her to crack?
- It's Leia. She comes pre-cracked.
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330. I just didn't want you to worry.
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331. How dare you, Red.
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332. Put your hand on the counter.
You're getting the spoon.
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333. You've been using that threat
for 40 years.
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334. - No one believes you.
- Well, today is the day.
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335. You can't be mad at me, Kitty.
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336. - I can't? Why not?
- Mm-hmm.
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337. Tickets to Paris?
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338. Today got me thinking.
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339. You know how you're always bugging me
to take you there?
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340. Let's do it.
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341. If these tickets are fake,
you're getting the spoon twice.
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342. They're real.
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343. I just don't wanna leave
anything on the table.
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344. Red Forman.
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345. You sweet, sweet man.
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346. - This is so exciting.
- Yeah.
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347. Oh!
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348. - We are gonna see the Eiffel Tower...
- Yeah.
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349. and... and the croissant factory,
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350. and... and I think Madonna lives there!
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351. - Oh!
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352. We're finally alone, which means
we can pick up where we left off.
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353. Well, what about your grandparents?
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354. It's 9:30. We could do it in their bed,
and they wouldn't wake up.
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355. Oh. Wait, we were near
a bunch of sick people today.
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356. - Do you think we should take showers?
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357. Tonight, we're gonna be the sick people.
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358. Okay.
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359. Wha—
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360. A pregnancy test?
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361. - Cup O' Noodles?
- Yes, please.
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