That '90s Show 2x7

When Leia and Jay reveal that they're taking their relationship to the next level, Red lands in the hospital. Nikki takes a test that puts Nate on edge.

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1. I can't stop thinking about you.

2. Even though we're together right now, I miss you.

3. I know. Since we told each other how we really feel, it's been so intense.

4. Leia, I wanna wash your hair.

5. I wanna wash yours.

6. But mainly 'cause it's a little greasy.

7. Actually, I've been thinking...

8. We love each other, and we've been together for over a year.

9. And... I think I'm ready to take things to the next level.

10. Please forget I did that thing with my hand.

11. Are you sure? I don't want you to feel like we're rushing into this.

12. According to the dream I had last night, I don't feel that way.

13. It was pretty graphic.

14. And in German.

15. My tutor would be so proud.

16. I had a dream too, but it was dumb,

17. so let's talk about what you're talking about.

18. I love you, and I'm ready to go all the way.

19. What?

20. What did you just say?

21. I mean, go all the way to Green Bay... on our bikes.

22. They just got a Quiznos.

23. Leia, it's okay.

24. I think your grandfather would respect our honesty.

25. Mr. Forman, I love your granddaughter deeply,

26. and when two people feel this way about each other,

27. the next natural step is the act of making love.

28. Hospital.

29. - What? - Take me to the hospital.

30. Hello, Wisconsin!

31. I'm telling you, it's textbook Stockholm syndrome.

32. That girl was held captive and fed lies.

33. Don't ruin Beauty and the Beast for me.

34. Plus, you're ignoring the fact that the Beast was hot.

35. And frankly, so was the candle.

36. Don't overreact to what I'm about to tell you,

37. but I need you two to go to the drugstore.

38. I can't, because my mom's the pharmacist—

39. Wait, your mom's a pharmacist, and your dad's a doctor?

40. You're paying for everything from now on.

41. Fine, but that's not—

42. Does she get to decide what color the pills are?

43. Whatever. I need you guys to buy me a pregnancy test.

44. You're pregnant?

45. You all said I was paranoid,

46. but I knew she lived in the kitchen.

47. Look, I don't know, Mrs. Forman, but my period is late, and I'm panicking.

48. - I mean, how could this have happened? - Oh, sweetie, I think you know.

49. - Have you talked to your parents? - No.

50. I don't want them getting upset before I know anything for sure.

51. I mean, you should've seen the way Nate reacted...

52. I missed my period.

53. Women.

54. You always complain about it, and now you miss it.

55. No, I think I'm pregnant.

56. Pregnant with what?

57. A baby?

58. The melting Popsicle woke him up.

59. Why isn't he here with you right now?

60. Is he just sitting this one out? Hell no.

61. Let's not overreact.

62. Maybe he just skipped town, never to be seen again.

63. Oh, wait, that's probably what you're worried about.

64. I'm gonna bring his ass over here.

65. Okay.

66. I know we're all thinking about how wonderful your baby would smell.

67. But we should focus. How late are you?

68. Almost two weeks.

69. And I am never late. Not for school, choir, fencing, tennis, yearbook—

70. Now you can join the Teen Moms Club.

71. Honey, just take a breath.

72. Let's get you that pregnancy test.

73. I have a few upstairs.

74. In her high school days, my daughter Laurie was also very... social.

75. So this is where you're hiding?

76. Gwen. I'm about to tell you something that'll blow your mind.

77. Nikki might be pregnant?

78. Whoa. Is this one of those brother-sister connections,

79. where you can read my mind?

80. - What am I thinking about right now? - Nikki might be pregnant.

81. No way.

82. She told me what happened, and now she's freaking out.

83. Look, I know I messed up, but... I'm gonna do the right thing.

84. That's why I'm in here. I was gonna steal one of your rings to propose.

85. - Propose? - Yeah.

86. Are you stupid?

87. No, I've got it all planned out.

88. I'm gonna drop out of high school and start mowing lawns,

89. so I can make enough money to buy a boat, so I can become a fisherman,

90. and make enough to buy a lottery ticket for every combination of numbers,

91. so I'm guaranteed to win.

92. Nikki will be taken care of, and then I can return to my first love.

93. Mowing lawns.

94. - There's only one problem... - One problem?

95. This.

96. I've gotten my finger stuck in so many things, but this is the worst.

97. Why?

98. I wanted to see what it would look like on the hand of someone I love.

99. I said, "Yes."

100. That was so scary. Are you okay?

101. Oh, I feel fine.

102. The doctor said I just had some palpitations

103. from the disappointment of seeing you ruin your life.

104. I appreciate the concern, Mr. Forman, but... she's not gonna ruin my life.

105. I wasn't speaking to you.

106. I am never speaking to you.

107. I'm gonna call Grandma and tell her we're at the hospital.

108. No, no, no.

109. Don't worry her.

110. She'll just take away my salt.

111. I'm just waiting for some test results, and then we'll be on our way.

112. And until then... I won't leave your side.

113. - We're family now. - Let's go hang out in the waiting room.

114. When you were being sweet back there, that was so sexy.

115. Oh...

116. I wasn't trying to be sexy. I was trying to be nice to your grandpa.

117. Oh my God, stop.

118. Lollipop?

119. - Not interested. - Ah. Smart.

120. You shouldn't take candy from a strange man without pants.

121. - I'm Bruce. - Bye-bye, Bruce.

122. These lollipops... Man, they are a godsend.

123. You know, I was really antsy after I quit smoking... ten minutes ago.

124. My doctor says if I have one more cigarette,

125. I'm at risk of having a good time.

126. No...

127. I'm just kidding.

128. He said I'd die.

129. Sounds like you have a lot to quietly think about.

130. - What are you in for? - Hey.

131. Let's see. Heart palpitations

132. and mad cow disease?

133. What?

134. I'm just joking.

135. But that would be a crazy way to find out, wouldn't it?

136. - Now you share. - Look, I don't wanna talk.

137. I don't want to share.

138. And quit shifting around in your bed.

139. I can see where they shaved you.

140. Oh no, no, no, no.

141. That's not them. That's all me.

142. And the key is place your mirror on the floor.

143. My favorite character is that teapot.

144. The clock does all the talking, but you know she runs the show.

145. Okay, but question.

146. If she was such a good mother, why was Chip chipped?

147. You don't know her life.

148. It's positive.

149. Why am I so good at taking tests?

150. Oh, sweetie, it'll be okay.

151. If you want, I can help you talk to your parents.

152. Oh no, my parents.

153. If I actually have this baby, what happens to my life?

154. I'm supposed to go to Northwestern. Without a baby!

155. My parents are way into it.

156. They wake me up every morning singing the fight song. It is bad, you guys.

157. My mom wakes up after me.

158. She's depressed.

159. One problem at a time, honey.

160. I had everything all planned out, and now it's all blowing up.

161. Well, sometimes in the... midst of a crisis,

162. we... we tend to open the umbrella of fear.

163. - And— - Hang on.

164. Thank you. I didn't know where I was going with that.

165. This is a hard turd to polish.

166. I think this test is expired.

167. There's a picture of a pregnant lady smoking on the box.

168. Wait, so this could be a false positive.

169. - How do we know for sure? - We could all take one?

170. Pregnant!

171. Pregnant.

172. Pregnant!

173. That's the clincher.

174. Well, that felt unnecessary.

175. What are you doing?

176. I'm licking the butter paper. Everybody does it.

177. Nobody does it.

178. Well, they're missing out.

179. I love butter.

180. Butter!

181. I love butter.

182. Okay, I'm gonna pull your finger.

183. Do not fart.

184. Here's the thing, Gwen. I'm always farting a little bit.

185. Okay, get ready.

186. Three, two, one...

187. Butter.

188. This is such a bummer.

189. Everywhere you look, it's the wrong kind of naked.

190. We can still have fun.

191. If ER has taught me anything, it's that hospitals can be sexy.

192. Yeah, people are hooking up all over the place.

193. Exactly. Let's go in here.

194. You want to do it in a closet?

195. No, I'm not losing my virginity in a hospital.

196. That's gross.

197. But I will do hand stuff.

198. That's my favorite kind of stuff.

199. Taken.

200. That's so cool. Just like on TV.

201. What about here?

202. Good for them.

203. Yeah, they were cute.

204. Yeah, professionally, I've watched a whole lot of animals give birth.

205. And when they come out of their mama's baby chute,

206. they're ready to fight.

207. Not human babies.

208. The only thing they come out ready to do is pee in their own face.

209. And that's where the coddling begins.

210. Everything they do is special and wonderful.

211. It's that Mister Rogers. He's high as a kite.

212. Look at us!

213. Finding common ground.

214. What say we go outside,

215. you have a cigarette, and blow it in my mouth?

216. Just... Just have one already.

217. You haven't stopped complaining for an hour.

218. You're like my son at a football game.

219. I— I can't have one.

220. There's still so many things I haven't done.

221. Like be quiet for ten minutes? Ha!

222. When I get out of here,

223. I'm gonna do all the things I've always wanted to do.

224. Have a cigarette in the Grand Canyon,

225. have one on the top of Mount Everest,

226. have one in my mom's dining room, 'cause screw that rule.

227. No, when it's time for me to clock out, I'm not leaving anything on the table.

228. You're right.

229. We're the greatest generation, and we don't just talk about it.

230. We act.

231. I'm 47.

232. How much did you smoke?

233. We're gonna melt it off.

234. Gold melts faster than flesh.

235. Trust me. This worked on DuckTales.

236. - Dude.

237. I'm all over the place, Gwen.

238. I can't believe this is happening.

239. I can't believe I'm the loser who ruined Nikki's life.

240. Here's the thing, Nate...

241. You are a loser.

242. Gwen, I'm scared.

243. So is Nikki.

244. You're right. What am I doing over here?

245. - One, two, three!

246. - You did it! - Did it hurt?

247. Not too bad.

248. I'm passing out.

249. I'm just having the worst day.

250. Okay, second-worst day.

251. All I wanna do is spend time with my boyfriend,

252. but the universe is keeping us apart,

253. like Romeo and Juliet.

254. It's pooping.

255. Get your crap. We're going home.

256. This is the longest five minutes of my life.

257. It's taking longer than the actual sex did.

258. Okay, hang in there. The timer's gonna go off any second.

259. Nik, I'm here.

260. Finally, you selfish jerk.

261. Where were you when I was pregnant?

262. Nice of you to show up.

263. I'm sorry. I know I should have been here.

264. I was trying to figure out how to do the right thing,

265. but... now I know the right thing is just to be here with you.

266. I'm glad you made it.

267. Sorry. Sorry.

268. That one's for my cookies in the oven. I just...

269. I figured whatever happens here, we'll probably want a treat.

270. Oh. And that one's to remind me to take the cookies out.

271. Do I know myself or what?

272. What are you staring at me for?

273. That's the real timer.

274. For the... the bun in your oven.

275. When you are able to laugh again,

276. that was very funny.

277. Whatever it is, we'll do it together.

278. It's negative.

279. - Hey! Ho! Ha! Hey! - Oh!

280. Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh!

281. Did they plan this?

282. If they knew how to plan things... wouldn't be in this situation.

283. Back already?

284. Yeah, I just thought I might have left my keys here.

285. Hey. What happened to Bruce?

286. He's gone.

287. What?

288. Well, he was just here.

289. We were talking.

290. Well, he was talking.

291. Just like that, huh?

292. If I look like a guy who just smoked a cigarette, it's because I did.

293. Hey, what are you doing back here, daddy-o?

294. Wait a minute. Were you about to cry?

295. Yeah, the pain in my ass just came back.

296. You thought I was dead, sucker!

297. You're a hoot.

298. What's your name, pal? I'm gonna look you up.

299. I'd like that.

300. Name's Bob.

301. Bob Pinciotti.

302. Best time to reach me is between 2:00 and 4:00 a.m.

303. Ah.

304. Hey.

305. If you're looking for Nate, he's at the park chasing squirrels.

306. He never gets one, and then he pouts for two days.

307. Actually, I came in here to talk to you. My head's kinda spinning.

308. Makes sense. You dodged a big, sweaty bullet.

309. It's weird.

310. Today, I saw... all of my future plans disappear.

311. Northwestern, law school, an affair with George Stephanopoulos.

312. And, honestly,

313. it was almost a relief.

314. I thought I knew what I wanted, but I don't know, I guess maybe I don't.

315. Good. They want you to know what you want.

316. - Who is "they?" - I don't know, but they can bite me.

317. Look, I wanna do 50 different things with my life.

318. Pilot, rock star, activist, housewife.

319. - What? - Just making sure you're not zoning out.

320. Nikki... I know your parents are on your ass about all this stuff,

321. but that's on them.

322. If you wanna rollerblade naked to California

323. and tell everyone your name is Avocado,

324. then do it.

325. Is that one of your 50 things?

326. Actually, it is, so don't even think about it.

327. Hey, honey.

328. Leia just told me you went to the hospital today.

329. - How did you get her to crack? - It's Leia. She comes pre-cracked.

330. I just didn't want you to worry.

331. How dare you, Red.

332. Put your hand on the counter. You're getting the spoon.

333. You've been using that threat for 40 years.

334. - No one believes you. - Well, today is the day.

335. You can't be mad at me, Kitty.

336. - I can't? Why not? - Mm-hmm.

337. Tickets to Paris?

338. Today got me thinking.

339. You know how you're always bugging me to take you there?

340. Let's do it.

341. If these tickets are fake, you're getting the spoon twice.

342. They're real.

343. I just don't wanna leave anything on the table.

344. Red Forman.

345. You sweet, sweet man.

346. - This is so exciting. - Yeah.

347. Oh!

348. - We are gonna see the Eiffel Tower... - Yeah.

349. and... and the croissant factory,

350. and... and I think Madonna lives there!

351. - Oh!

352. We're finally alone, which means we can pick up where we left off.

353. Well, what about your grandparents?

354. It's 9:30. We could do it in their bed, and they wouldn't wake up.

355. Oh. Wait, we were near a bunch of sick people today.

356. - Do you think we should take showers?

357. Tonight, we're gonna be the sick people.

358. Okay.

359. Wha—

360. A pregnancy test?

361. - Cup O' Noodles? - Yes, please.