1. My head is pounding.Copy !req
2. This hangover's killing me.Copy !req
3. The field party was three days ago.Copy !req
4. Sorry I know how to party, Gwen.Copy !req
5. That field party ruined both of our lives.Copy !req
6. Things are so weird with Leia.Copy !req
7. I'm not built to last this long
without the attention of a lady.Copy !req
8. Bro, buy a Playboy.Copy !req
9. Hey, guys, and et cetera.Copy !req
10. Please, look at me, Leia.Copy !req
11. I— I get that you're mad.Copy !req
12. All right? I wish I hadn't told
so many other girls I love them,Copy !req
13. but back then I was throwing it around
loosey-goosey like I was feeding ducks.Copy !req
14. And then you banged all those ducks.Copy !req
15. Those ducks are people.Copy !req
16. And how am I supposed to know you mean it
with me when you've said it so many times?Copy !req
17. Shh. Your voice.Copy !req
18. I can't take your voice right now.Copy !req
19. All right, we gotta get going.
We're meeting Nikki at the mall.Copy !req
20. And I get to spend timeCopy !req
21. with the last two girls in the world
you haven't said "I love you" to.Copy !req
22. Come on!Copy !req
23. Nikki gave me the last
Cheddar Bay biscuit at Red Lobster.Copy !req
24. In the moment, I meant it!Copy !req
25. Women, right?Copy !req
26. I can't be this for you.Copy !req
27. Where the hell is Nate when I need him?Copy !req
28. No one can know about this.Copy !req
29. Yes. That was the last time.Copy !req
30. Definitely.Copy !req
31. One for the road?Copy !req
32. Waiting on you, cowboy.Copy !req
33. How are you so out of breath?Copy !req
34. - I did all the work.
- It's from cheering you on.Copy !req
35. Nik, I can't.Copy !req
36. - Who are we kidding?
- We're so good at it.Copy !req
37. Hello, Wisconsin!Copy !req
38. Oh. Hey, is Gwen over here?
The credit card company keeps calling,Copy !req
39. and I need someone who can do
a British accent to tell them I died.Copy !req
40. You know,
you don't have to tell me everything.Copy !req
41. Better yet, don't tell me anything.Copy !req
42. We're headed to the mall.Copy !req
43. - Love you, Grandpa.
- Bye, sweetie.Copy !req
44. I took 20 bucks from your purse,
and I'll be home before tomorrow.Copy !req
45. You let her talk to you like that?Copy !req
46. Oh, it's fine. She's just like me
when I was her age.Copy !req
47. Independent, rebellious,
banned from Wrigley Field.Copy !req
48. Yes, I will be right there.
I am so excited.Copy !req
49. Okay, you know how my ankle
has still been bothering me?Copy !req
50. Well, my friend, what's-her-name,
got me an appointment with the guyCopy !req
51. who helped fix her whatever-it-was.Copy !req
52. Good for her for getting that figured out.Copy !req
53. What kind of doctor is this?Copy !req
54. Well, he's not really a doctor.
He's a medicologist.Copy !req
55. Which I actually think
is better than a doctor.Copy !req
56. Sounds like a quack.Copy !req
57. He has a business card, Red.Copy !req
58. And so does Bob.Copy !req
59. And his says
"International Bikini Inspector."Copy !req
60. If people pay you to do it, it's a job.Copy !req
61. I bet Jay would say he loved this one.Copy !req
62. I love this one.
And I love this one.Copy !req
63. Ooh.
I actually do love this one.Copy !req
64. Hey, there you guys are.Copy !req
65. What happened to you? We waited
for half an hour by the fountain.Copy !req
66. The fountain?Copy !req
67. Oh, I thought we said "a mountain."
I was at the state park.Copy !req
68. Forty bucks for a miracle bra?Copy !req
69. Are you kidding me?Copy !req
70. You know they paid some kid overseas
30 cents to make this.Copy !req
71. Classic patriarchal pink tax BS.Copy !req
72. What could possibly justify this price?Copy !req
73. I'm a woman now.Copy !req
74. It really does work miracles.Copy !req
75. I think I just got dumber,
and I don't mind.Copy !req
76. I wish I had 40 bucks,Copy !req
77. but I spent all my holiday money
on a label maker.Copy !req
78. We could always forget
to take them off and walk out of here.Copy !req
79. We are not shoplifting.Copy !req
80. - What do you think you're doing?
- Looking amazing?Copy !req
81. Run!Copy !req
82. I really screwed things up with Leia.Copy !req
83. How can I trick her
into trusting me again?Copy !req
84. Have you considered not tricking her?Copy !req
85. Don't screw around. This is serious.Copy !req
86. We need a great idea.Copy !req
87. What if I made a clone of myself?Copy !req
88. Leia could love him,
since he's never done anything wrong.Copy !req
89. But how will she know
that the clone's not me?Copy !req
90. Wig.Copy !req
91. I'll get her a wig.Copy !req
92. I got a secret.Copy !req
93. It's a sexy secret.Copy !req
94. I'm interested in your clone.Copy !req
95. Not for weird stuff.Copy !req
96. I just want a square dance partner,
and I'm afraid to ask a non-clone.Copy !req
97. I do want you to learn
how to square dance.Copy !req
98. That is important to me.Copy !req
99. So you can have my clone.Copy !req
100. Now I'm back to nothing.Copy !req
101. The Back to the Future car.Copy !req
102. Where are we on that plutonium?Copy !req
103. The guy never called me back.Copy !req
104. Even if he did, I...
I'm never telling my secret.Copy !req
105. What am I supposed to do, guys?Copy !req
106. Find every girl
I've ever lied to and apologize,Copy !req
107. so Leia knows
that I've really changed?Copy !req
108. Where are you getting that from?
That was a smart and normal thought.Copy !req
109. I thought you said it.Copy !req
110. It's sex. I'm doing sex.Copy !req
111. Hello?Copy !req
112. I'm not in my body right now.Copy !req
113. I'm back.Copy !req
114. I was visiting you as a child.
You really grew into those teeth.Copy !req
115. Kiefer. Kiefer Lee Roth.Copy !req
116. Please, sit.Copy !req
117. So, um, um... I am having
some trouble with my ankle.Copy !req
118. Uh, ankle. Ankle.Copy !req
119. But, uh, that's not the problem.Copy !req
120. Let's find your real pain.
I need to scan you.Copy !req
121. - Will it hurt?
- Like you're being burned alive.Copy !req
122. But you won't feel it.Copy !req
123. Mother was distant, wasn't she?Copy !req
124. - Oh, how did you know?
- Shut up!Copy !req
125. Our chakras are on the same energy plane.Copy !req
126. - Do you feel that?
- I do.Copy !req
127. - No, you don't.
- I don't.Copy !req
128. Yet. But I'm going to rock your chakras.Copy !req
129. - Thanks, Bryson. I got it from here.
- Yeah, thanks, Bryson.Copy !req
130. For protecting the bras of America.Copy !req
131. Okay. Before we get started,
I just have to ask you one question.Copy !req
132. - Are your parents important in this town?
- What?Copy !req
133. I brought the mayor's son in here
for smoking in the bathroom,Copy !req
134. and they stopped picking up my trash.Copy !req
135. My mom's sort of famous.Copy !req
136. She's the lady who ran onto the field
and tackled Sammy Sosa.Copy !req
137. All righty.Copy !req
138. Whoa.Copy !req
139. That's my old prescription.Copy !req
140. - I just need your name to get started.
- Janet.Copy !req
141. Ms. Jackson, if you're nasty.Copy !req
142. Listen, kid, if you lie to me
on this form,Copy !req
143. I'm gonna have to walk down the hall
and get another form.Copy !req
144. Which means
I'm gonna have to talk to Angela.Copy !req
145. Angela is my ex-wife.Copy !req
146. Okay. You and your friend Bryson
have done a great job,Copy !req
147. but I'm gonna wait
until the real cops come.Copy !req
148. Bryson is not my friend.Copy !req
149. And I'm not calling the real cops,
because there were three of you.Copy !req
150. Yet you were the only one
my homeboy brought in here.Copy !req
151. Yeah. So?Copy !req
152. Oh, damn. There I was,
behaving like any teenager,Copy !req
153. but I forgot I had to be
the Black teenager.Copy !req
154. Mm-hmm. It's, uh...Copy !req
155. It's exhausting having to run things
through the racism filter, isn't it?Copy !req
156. Yeah. I forgot to because this time
I was actually stealing something.Copy !req
157. I appreciate the confession.Copy !req
158. Oh, you're good.Copy !req
159. Okay, you stay over there.
I'll stay over here.Copy !req
160. And we're gonna have
a real conversation about this.Copy !req
161. Yeah. What are we doing?
We don't want to get back together.Copy !req
162. Definitely not. No, it's...
It's just easy, and it's comfortable,Copy !req
163. and it's fun, and it means nothing.Copy !req
164. - We're officially never doing that again.
- Perfect.Copy !req
165. Whoa.Copy !req
166. Bigger.Copy !req
167. Oh yeah, I went shopping today.Copy !req
168. Yeah, never is a strong word.Copy !req
169. - Oh by the way, I think Gwen got arrested.
- Gwen who?Copy !req
170. Kitty!Copy !req
171. What is that?Copy !req
172. Oh, this is my medicologist.Copy !req
173. He's here to help cleanse the house.Copy !req
174. Kiefer Lee Roth.Copy !req
175. So, I just...
I just threw away the mayonnaise.Copy !req
176. Kiefer said
it's a breeding ground for fear.Copy !req
177. We're the only species to eat mayo,Copy !req
178. and that's why we can't fly.Copy !req
179. - Where the hell are your shoes?
- Oh, you mean foot prisons?Copy !req
180. They were holding me back.Copy !req
181. Like my, uh, toothbrush,
and my... my young family.Copy !req
182. Would you like some olive oil?Copy !req
183. Lubricates your bowels
so you can release your toxins.Copy !req
184. I like my toxins.Copy !req
185. Hmm.Copy !req
186. I'm sensing a lot of clenched energy.Copy !req
187. When was the last time
you just, uh, sang for yourself?Copy !req
188. When's the last time
you had a foot up your ass?Copy !req
189. Last Thursday.Copy !req
190. Hey, uh, where's your nearest restroom?Copy !req
191. My toxins are callin'.Copy !req
192. It's just— It's just inside there.Copy !req
193. Oh, that's too close.
Uh, I'll go upstairs.Copy !req
194. Kitty.Copy !req
195. When you wanted
to sell Amway, I said sure.Copy !req
196. And when you thought
your mom came back as a crow,Copy !req
197. I fed it seeds and a cup of Sanka.Copy !req
198. But this...Copy !req
199. This is a bridge too far.Copy !req
200. I know it all sounds a little whack-a-doo,Copy !req
201. but I'm telling you,
Kiefer is a genius in his own right.Copy !req
202. That was crazy.Copy !req
203. Hey, do you guys mind
if I cry in your bed for a while?Copy !req
204. I know you took my lunch, Angela!Copy !req
205. Tuna sandwiches don't just walk away!Copy !req
206. God, she sucks.Copy !req
207. Yeah, you're the one having a bad day.Copy !req
208. Look, I know this isn't fun,Copy !req
209. but this isn't gonna be
the last time you're singled out.Copy !req
210. I mean, how many times have you had
your hair touched by a stranger,Copy !req
211. or been told you don't need sunscreen,Copy !req
212. or been asked for your autograph because
someone thinks you're... Scary Spice?Copy !req
213. Moesha.Copy !req
214. - It's always Moesha.Copy !req
215. Moesha. I should have got that.Copy !req
216. Well, I can guarantee you
that you will not be profiled here again.Copy !req
217. - Smile.Copy !req
218. You are banned for a year.
Company policy. You understand.Copy !req
219. She was framed.Copy !req
220. This is all inadmissible.
I'll put the system on trial.Copy !req
221. You called my mom?Copy !req
222. Company policy. You understand.
She's free to go.Copy !req
223. - Thanks, Officer Cutie.
- Mom!Copy !req
224. Should I get bangs again?Copy !req
225. Again, I'm so sorry for my past behavior.Copy !req
226. Thanks for being so cool about this.Copy !req
227. For your troubles.Copy !req
228. At least that one
didn't kick you in the nads.Copy !req
229. I'd rather they go for the nads.
This face is my ticket out of this town.Copy !req
230. Next one's here.Copy !req
231. Oh, please, please be an easy one.Copy !req
232. Or at least one
that's not wearing any rings.Copy !req
233. Jay! I got your message.Copy !req
234. I'm so excited.Copy !req
235. Did your girlfriend die?Copy !req
236. Oh. Hey, Stacy.Copy !req
237. Nice rings.Copy !req
238. They're mood rings.
They're all different colors.Copy !req
239. Isn't that weird?Copy !req
240. No, that tracks.Copy !req
241. Look, Stacy.Copy !req
242. I think you have the wrong idea,
and that's entirely my fault, okay?Copy !req
243. I should have never led you on,
and I'm sorry.Copy !req
244. I hate it when we fight like this.Copy !req
245. I don't think that's what's going on here.Copy !req
246. You calling me a liar?Copy !req
247. No, ma'am.Copy !req
248. I don't know how to make this
any clearer for you,Copy !req
249. but Leia is my girlfriend, okay?Copy !req
250. She's the only one I want.Copy !req
251. Okay, I get it.Copy !req
252. I don't like it.Copy !req
253. But I get it.Copy !req
254. - Thanks for being so cool about this.
- Jay, it's over! Stop being so clingy!Copy !req
255. Never mind, officer. She left.Copy !req
256. I'm so glad you're okay.
I thought you were gonna go to jail,Copy !req
257. and I was gonna commit a crime
to join you.Copy !req
258. Leia, I'm fine.
Can we talk about anything but this?Copy !req
259. Okay. Um...Copy !req
260. - Well, I'm still really upset with Jay.
- Or that.Copy !req
261. I can't believe
that guy was so hard on you.Copy !req
262. Back in my day, you could get
out of trouble with a flirt and a flash.Copy !req
263. But, apparently,
that's against the law now too.Copy !req
264. See, Leia? Everything's fine.Copy !req
265. I got a cool mom.Copy !req
266. What does that mean?
You should be thanking me.Copy !req
267. When I got caught shoplifting,
Grandma made me sleep in a canoe.Copy !req
268. I woke up in the next town.Copy !req
269. You're lucky you got a mom who gets you.Copy !req
270. You don't get anything.
We were all leaving the store.Copy !req
271. Why do you think
I was the only one who got caught?Copy !req
272. Forget it.Copy !req
273. I don't know, honey.
My money would have been on the virgin.Copy !req
274. - Gwen told you?
- You can tell from a mile away, kid.Copy !req
275. Good morning, Kiefer.
What's going on? Are you moving?Copy !req
276. Yeah, uh... I'm, uh...Copy !req
277. I'm moving.Copy !req
278. Yeah, to a different location
with better auras and all that crap.Copy !req
279. Well, how exciting!Copy !req
280. - Yeah, yeah.
- And Red thought you were a quack.Copy !req
281. A quack? Me? Ha!Copy !req
282. Kitty, I have
a pretty bad cocaine problem.Copy !req
283. I do a lot of cocaine.Copy !req
284. And when I can't find it,
I do other stuff.Copy !req
285. Worse stuff.Copy !req
286. Stuff that I buy from a lion tamer.Copy !req
287. I hope this doesn't change
anything between us.Copy !req
288. It changes a lot!Copy !req
289. Usually does, yeah. Okay, quick question.Copy !req
290. Do you have any cocaine?Copy !req
291. No.Copy !req
292. I've never even been to Miami.Copy !req
293. How about 1,000 dollars?
Do you have 1,000 American dollars?Copy !req
294. I can't believe you are a fraud.
I am so disappointed.Copy !req
295. Kitty, I don't have time to talk about
who is a fake healer and who isn't.Copy !req
296. I owe some very bad people a lot of money.Copy !req
297. Will you run away with me?Copy !req
298. No, I will not!Copy !req
299. And this...Copy !req
300. This belongs in a pasta salad.Copy !req
301. Oh.Copy !req
302. Hey! Hey! Do you want to buy a boombox?Copy !req
303. Only ten American dollars!Copy !req
304. Where's the mayonnaise?Copy !req
305. Leia... your grandma
is going through something.Copy !req
306. And she will either come to her senses,
or this is the beginning of the end.Copy !req
307. I messed up, Red.Copy !req
308. And there we go.Copy !req
309. Kiefer is not a healer.Copy !req
310. He's a fraud.
That's why my mom pooped on my windshield.Copy !req
311. She was trying to warn me.Copy !req
312. Go ahead. Tell me I'm stupid.Copy !req
313. Don't beat yourself up.Copy !req
314. We all make mistakes.Copy !req
315. You remember when I lost my wedding ring,Copy !req
316. and we had to get it replaced?Copy !req
317. - No.
- Well, another mistake!Copy !req
318. Ah, come here.Copy !req
319. It's gonna be okay.Copy !req
320. Wait, so, you really messed up,
but you didn't get mad,Copy !req
321. question your entire relationship,
or steal a bra?Copy !req
322. No, I'm not mad at all.Copy !req
323. I gave Kiefer 700 dollars
to cleanse our house.Copy !req
324. Not mad at all.Copy !req
325. I am so sorry, Mrs. Purdy.Copy !req
326. I had no idea
that Vanessa was lost at sea.Copy !req
327. I'll pray for her.Copy !req
328. Count it!Copy !req
329. - Hi, Jay.
- I think we're about to die.Copy !req
330. - What are you doing back here?
- I couldn't give up on us.Copy !req
331. I know what you want, and I can be her.Copy !req
332. Look at me. I dress like this,Copy !req
333. and I talk like this,
and I'm Jay's girlfriend.Copy !req
334. She does sound like her!Copy !req
335. - What the hell's going on here?
- What the hell's going on here?Copy !req
336. Back off.Copy !req
337. Ooh... Don't talk to her like that.Copy !req
338. Jay, I came down here to forgive you,Copy !req
339. but obviously you're not thinking about me
as much as I was thinking about you.Copy !req
340. Leia, sit down.Copy !req
341. Jay has been killing himself
trying to show you he's changed.Copy !req
342. He apologized to every girl
he ever lied to.Copy !req
343. He's been slapped, kicked, spit on,Copy !req
344. and we are moments away
from this girl wearing his skin!Copy !req
345. And you know why he's doing all that?Copy !req
346. Because he's crazy about you.Copy !req
347. Leia.Copy !req
348. I understand it's gonna take some time
for you to start trusting me again,Copy !req
349. but I'm gonna do whatever it takes,
because I really do love you.Copy !req
350. Aw, baby!Copy !req
351. Stay out of my moment!Copy !req
352. This didn't go exactly
how I always pictured it,Copy !req
353. the first or second time,Copy !req
354. but I don't care, because I love you too.Copy !req
355. I guess it is time for me to move on.Copy !req
356. Hey, you.Copy !req
357. Babe, you gotta get better at this.Copy !req
358. Oh, good.
You finally came out of your room.Copy !req
359. I knew you couldn't resist
the smell of my hot dog soup.Copy !req
360. Listen, honey, I don't know
if you know this,Copy !req
361. because I do a really good job
of keeping it from you, but...Copy !req
362. I don't always know what I'm doing.Copy !req
363. No way.Copy !req
364. Come on, it'd help me
if you told me what I'm doing wrong.Copy !req
365. It's not that you're wrong,
it's just that you're so... white.Copy !req
366. Like, really, really white.Copy !req
367. You never met your great-grandma.Copy !req
368. When she laid down in the snow, gone.Copy !req
369. Sometimes, when you talk about
how alike we are,Copy !req
370. it feels like you're ignoring
that I'm Black, and that sucks for me.Copy !req
371. Oh no, that's the last thing
I'm trying to do, honey.Copy !req
372. I— I'm so sorry.Copy !req
373. It's okay. I'm not mad at you,
but I am mad.Copy !req
374. I'm so mad, like, all the time! I'm mad
when it happens and I don't expect it.Copy !req
375. I'm mad when I do expect it
and nothing happens!Copy !req
376. I get it. That I don't get it.Copy !req
377. So...Copy !req
378. did we fix this?Copy !req
379. Racism?Copy !req
380. Us.Copy !req
381. - I feel better we're talking about it.
- Okay.Copy !req
382. You can always talk to me
about anything, whether I get it or not.Copy !req
383. Dude.Copy !req
384. Nik? What are you doing in my house?Copy !req
385. We broke up!Copy !req