1. So, we're just hanging out
like it's any normal day?Copy !req
2. No one's got anything to say
about the hat?Copy !req
3. Usually, in situations like this,
Ozzie says the thing we're all thinking.Copy !req
4. And then we go,
"No, we weren't thinking that."Copy !req
5. Well, I think I look cute, like Blossom.
Right, Jay?Copy !req
6. Uh...Copy !req
7. Where's Ozzie?Copy !req
8. We haven't seen him
since Etienne stood him up.Copy !req
9. Oh, he must be heartbroken.Copy !req
10. - Poor guy.
- Can you even imagine?Copy !req
11. What's going on? Is there a gas leak?Copy !req
12. Ozzie, you're okay!Copy !req
13. I was until I saw your denim dick hat.Copy !req
14. - No.
- We weren't thinking that!Copy !req
15. What hat?Copy !req
16. Hello, Wisconsin!Copy !req
17. Ozzie, we missed you.
How are you holding up?Copy !req
18. It was pretty bad at first,
but I wasn't about to sit aroundCopy !req
19. and be a mopey loser
like these two were after their breakup.Copy !req
20. Come on, I wasn't that bad.Copy !req
21. Nobody called animal control
because of the sounds I made when I cry.Copy !req
22. Yeah, and I started writing
all those letters to Mr. BeanCopy !req
23. for other reasons.Copy !req
24. Tonight's all about moving on.
We're going to a field party, people.Copy !req
25. Hell yeah!Copy !req
26. Cole's away, which is goodCopy !req
27. because he's not ready to meet
field-party Gwen.Copy !req
28. She drinks a lot, she hates clothes,Copy !req
29. and one time,
she tried to start her own government.Copy !req
30. We gotta load up on supplies.Copy !req
31. Cheap beer, cheaper beer...
and if that runs out, I failed you.Copy !req
32. Ooh.Copy !req
33. By the way, Leia,
you are gonna love this party.Copy !req
34. I mean, the two of us cuddling
near the campfire under the stars?Copy !req
35. I have a feeling this is gonna be
a night we'll never forget.Copy !req
36. A night we'll never forget?
What do you think that means?Copy !req
37. He's gonna propose!Copy !req
38. No, that's crazy.
He got me a puppy.Copy !req
39. A puppy with a ring on its tail.Copy !req
40. Or... he's gonna tell you he has herpes.Copy !req
41. Either way, it's a big next step
in our relationship.Copy !req
42. Thanks for agreeing
to teach Leia how to drive.Copy !req
43. You know,
it just makes me feel so nostalgic.Copy !req
44. Wasn't it just yesterday
she was a baby with a tiny tushyCopy !req
45. that I used to pinch and pinch?Copy !req
46. Until Donna had a talk with me.Copy !req
47. Are you sure Red's okay with this?Copy !req
48. Yes, he is because he doesn't know.Copy !req
49. Now, here. I mapped out
the safest route for you to take.Copy !req
50. There's not a billboard in sight.Copy !req
51. Leia likes to read every single one.
It's so annoying.Copy !req
52. Bob?Copy !req
53. We agreed to one meal a day,
and you already blew that on breakfast.Copy !req
54. - Bob is just here admiring my chili.
Hm.Copy !req
55. Kitty asked me
to take Leia for driving lessons.Copy !req
56. Bob.Copy !req
57. I know, but he looks so funny
when he's mad.Copy !req
58. Kitty, you're putting Leia's life
in his hands?Copy !req
59. He got trapped in his own lawn chair.Copy !req
60. I was trying
to get a pebble out of my sandal,Copy !req
61. and then all hell broke loose.Copy !req
62. Red, I know you wanted to teach her,
but you are kind of an angry driver.Copy !req
63. Last week, you threw a cup of coffee
at that funeral procession.Copy !req
64. The roads are for the living.Copy !req
65. All right, look.Copy !req
66. I'm her grandpa, this is my job.Copy !req
67. I'm her grandpa too! Midge swore to me.Copy !req
68. So get used to it, Red. I'm teaching her.Copy !req
69. The hell you are.Copy !req
70. Okay, let's... Let's calm down.Copy !req
71. I just think
that everybody is a little hungry.Copy !req
72. Please lower your expectations about Jay.Copy !req
73. I am.Copy !req
74. What if he carves
our initials into a tree,Copy !req
75. and then every year
we come back to visit the spot,Copy !req
76. until one year we find
the tree has been cut down?Copy !req
77. Decades pass, we're in a lumberyard.Copy !req
78. We find a piece of wood
with the carving on it.Copy !req
79. Jay buys it
and turns it into a cutting board,Copy !req
80. and then we use it to make a salad.Copy !req
81. Okay, Leia, let's remember
Jay comes from a long line of Kelsos.Copy !req
82. I heard there was one on the Mayflower,
and the whole boat showed up pregnant.Copy !req
83. I know, but he's different with me.Copy !req
84. I've de-Kelso'd him.Copy !req
85. Now, he walks right by
the Susan B. Anthony statue in the libraryCopy !req
86. without honking her boobs.Copy !req
87. Let's go, kiddo! Time for driving lessons.Copy !req
88. This is really bad timing.
Gwen and I are going—Copy !req
89. Hey! You're trying to make off
with my granddaughterCopy !req
90. while I'm taking a sauna?Copy !req
91. It's not a sauna, Bob.Copy !req
92. You just put
a space heater in your closet.Copy !req
93. Kitty!Copy !req
94. He's stealing Leia!Copy !req
95. Now? It's happening now?
Oh! I've got the chills.Copy !req
96. I haven't felt this way
since potty training.Copy !req
97. I'm gonna get my camera.Copy !req
98. Can't this happen
literally any other time?Copy !req
99. Can it, Gwen!Copy !req
100. Leia, car.Copy !req
101. Tell Jay I'll get there as soon as I can,Copy !req
102. and that my heart is open
and ready to receive him.Copy !req
103. Mm... I'm not saying that.Copy !req
104. If you're going, I'm going.Copy !req
105. How long were you in that sauna?Copy !req
106. Your arm feels like a wet dog.Copy !req
107. I get that a lot.Copy !req
108. I am just gonna sit back here quietly.
You won't even know I'm here.Copy !req
109. Okay, start her up.Copy !req
110. Cheese!Copy !req
111. - Grandma!Copy !req
112. Just making sure the camera works.Copy !req
113. All right. There's gonna be
a lot of drinking tonight.Copy !req
114. So let's be safe and responsible
and make smart decisions.Copy !req
115. Now we're gonna have to walk home again.Copy !req
116. I don't know what your plan's for tonight,Copy !req
117. but I don't want to end up comforting Leia
when you crush her soul.Copy !req
118. You don't have to worry.
I'm planning on telling her I love her.Copy !req
119. Dude. I'm so excited for you.Copy !req
120. God, I remember that feeling
when you first said it to me.Copy !req
121. I was floatin'.Copy !req
122. I know you too well. So if you're
really gonna say that to Leia,Copy !req
123. it better not be a line just to get laid.Copy !req
124. It's not a line, okay?Copy !req
125. It's how I really feel.
I was going to tell her last week,Copy !req
126. but with all the humidity,
my hair was wack.Copy !req
127. Leia, driving is a big responsibility.Copy !req
128. This isn't just a car.Copy !req
129. This is a three-ton killing machine.Copy !req
130. One small mistake,Copy !req
131. and the inside of this car
becomes a human blender,Copy !req
132. and we all swap rectums.Copy !req
133. Nice and easy.Copy !req
134. And if you want to eat a sandwich,
you just steer with your knees.Copy !req
135. Guess what you honk with.Copy !req
136. Honey, don't guess.Copy !req
137. Reach for the radio knob? Dead.Copy !req
138. Thinking about playing grab-ass
with your boyfriend? Dead.Copy !req
139. Sneeze? Not your fault. Dead.Copy !req
140. I like to think of the steering wheel
as an antipasto tray.Copy !req
141. You want to have your hands
on the gabagool and the prozhoot.Copy !req
142. What are these words?Copy !req
143. Forty-one thousand people died last year
doing what you're doing right now.Copy !req
144. Grandpa, too sad.Copy !req
145. It's like a thinly sliced Italian ham.Copy !req
146. Bob. This isn't a deli lesson!Copy !req
147. - I like to keep it fun.
- Dead!Copy !req
148. - What did I do?
- Nothing.Copy !req
149. I... just wish he was dead.Copy !req
150. What did you just say to me?Copy !req
151. I'm gonna kick his ass.Copy !req
152. Uh, how many of those have you had?Copy !req
153. Pshh! You don't have to go
all party mom on me.Copy !req
154. I'm pregaming with this punch.
It's not that strong.Copy !req
155. Dude, they used a cup of that
to start the campfire.Copy !req
156. Oh.Copy !req
157. Now he's pretending to be asleep
like a little bitch.Copy !req
158. Let's dance.Copy !req
159. Don't take off your jacket.
You'll get cold.Copy !req
160. Damn. I am the party mom.Copy !req
161. Oh, Nik, you look good.Copy !req
162. Ozzie was right.
Tonight's about moving on.Copy !req
163. So I'm gonna go talk to some guys
and get some numbers.Copy !req
164. Yeah, totally.Copy !req
165. I was gonna get some guys' numbers too.
But they're gonna be girls.Copy !req
166. You wanna make this interesting?
Most numbers wins.Copy !req
167. - Wins what?
- I don't know.Copy !req
168. Pizza Hut coupon?Copy !req
169. It's that serious?Copy !req
170. You're going down.Copy !req
171. 'Cause I have a secret weapon.
Just walk up to a chick and say,Copy !req
172. "My uncle just died,"Copy !req
173. and then they're hooked.Copy !req
174. - There is no way that works.
- Worked on you.Copy !req
175. Oh my God,
there was never an Uncle Ronnie?Copy !req
176. Whose grave did we visit?Copy !req
177. The closest "Ronnie" to the parking lot.Copy !req
178. Ah, sorry, bro, this seat's saved.Copy !req
179. For me?Copy !req
180. Stacy. What are you doing here?Copy !req
181. I can't believe you saved me a spot
right where we had our first kiss.Copy !req
182. - Do you remember that night?
- I haven't thought about it in a while.Copy !req
183. I think about it all the time too.Copy !req
184. I mean, it was such a whirlwind.Copy !req
185. We'd just met. But when you said,
"I love you," I fell hard and permanently.Copy !req
186. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
187. I did say that.Copy !req
188. - But you know, I didn't—
- Think we'd ever see each other again?Copy !req
189. It's like we both swallowed magnets,
and we're being pulled back together.Copy !req
190. - For real, I have a girlfriend.
- And I have a boyfriend. And it's you!Copy !req
191. Ooh, billboard! "Lakefront Furniture.
It's where you buy home."Copy !req
192. You don't have to
read them out loud, you know.Copy !req
193. Remember, before you could talk,Copy !req
194. I would make you say things like,
"I love Grandma's blueberry muffins."Copy !req
195. - Um this is my first time on the highway.
- Oh, that's right.Copy !req
196. - Hands on the wheel!Copy !req
197. Gabagool! Gabagool!Copy !req
198. That was scawy.Copy !req
199. It's been really tough
since Uncle Ronnie died.Copy !req
200. He fell into a volcano.Copy !req
201. That's horrible. Where was he?Copy !req
202. Detroit.Copy !req
203. There's no volcanoes in Detroit.Copy !req
204. My dad's a volcanologist, you dumb-ass!Copy !req
205. No way. Wait! Can I have his number?Copy !req
206. Thanks. I haven't done this in a while.
You have terrible handwriting.Copy !req
207. Chisel Stevonagin?Copy !req
208. Oh, hi, I'm Nikki. Can I have—Copy !req
209. You don't need any more informat... Okay.Copy !req
210. Uncle Ronnie was out hiking, andCopy !req
211. next thing you know,
he was ripped apart by a pack of snakes.Copy !req
212. Uh, snakes are primarily solitary hunters.Copy !req
213. Weird lie, dude.Copy !req
214. Why are all the girls here so smart?Copy !req
215. That'll be all.Copy !req
216. I am so wasted.Copy !req
217. He's wasted.Copy !req
218. Aw...Copy !req
219. Empty.Copy !req
220. Does that look like the garbage?Copy !req
221. How's it going with the numbers?Copy !req
222. I got a five, a one, and a seven.Copy !req
223. That's not enough numbers.Copy !req
224. Hey, I'm having a bad night too.Copy !req
225. Remember how I used to say "I love you"
to get girls to sleep with me?Copy !req
226. Well, they remember too.Copy !req
227. It's like my past
has come back to haunt me.Copy !req
228. - I used to have a ghost that haunted me.Copy !req
229. He would stand over my bed whispering
to me that my nipples were on backwards.Copy !req
230. Dude, that was me.Copy !req
231. Why was I such a bad person?Copy !req
232. - Hey, Jay. It's been a while.
- Oh no.Copy !req
233. Do not lie to her about volcanoes.Copy !req
234. Back off. He's mine.Copy !req
235. Uh, I don't think so.Copy !req
236. When we hooked up, he told me he loved me.Copy !req
237. Stacy, Amy.
You two actually have a lot in common.Copy !req
238. Ladies.Copy !req
239. Why fight over that choice cut of meatCopy !req
240. when this charming bratwurst
is looking for a bun?Copy !req
241. - Ew.
- What?Copy !req
242. Later.Copy !req
243. I realize that that sounded
like I was saying "your vaginas," but...Copy !req
244. I meant it sweet.Copy !req
245. Bob... give me back those keys!Copy !req
246. Are you gonna apologize
for running over my foot?Copy !req
247. I am not going to apologize
for something I did on purpose.Copy !req
248. I am so sorry
about your grandpas' behavior.Copy !req
249. All that arguing was so distracting.Copy !req
250. Well, what about when you hugged her,Copy !req
251. and we did a half a mile
in a pumpkin patch?Copy !req
252. Remember that pumpkin costume
I made for your fourth grade harvest play?Copy !req
253. Oh! Let's go see if it still fits.Copy !req
254. Okay, let's speed this up.
I know you all love me,Copy !req
255. and it was fun learning all those new
swear words, Grandma.Copy !req
256. But this isn't a competition.
There's enough of me to go around,Copy !req
257. and I will try to give each of you
an equal slice of amazing.Copy !req
258. You're right, kiddo.
I got a little carried away.Copy !req
259. And I got even more carried away than him.Copy !req
260. Cool. Grandma,
can I talk to you outside for a second?Copy !req
261. Between you and me, Jay has
something special planned for tonightCopy !req
262. at the most romantic party ever,
and I need a ride there before it ends.Copy !req
263. Well, I'm gonna need a picture of youCopy !req
264. in that pumpkin costume,
whether it fits or not.Copy !req
265. We are getting you in there.Copy !req
266. Grandma.Copy !req
267. I told your parents to have more kids,
and they didn't,Copy !req
268. so this is what we're working with.Copy !req
269. Why am I dressed like Nate?Copy !req
270. When you came out of the lake
from skinny-dipping,Copy !req
271. you picked up the first clothes you saw.Copy !req
272. I went skinny-dipping?Copy !req
273. There are people from my math class here.Copy !req
274. Etienne must have really messed you up
'cause this isn't like you.Copy !req
275. It's not just that I lost a boyfriend. I...Copy !req
276. I lost the only other gay person
in my life who I could talk to.Copy !req
277. - What about the guy at the ice-cream shop?
- I was wrong.Copy !req
278. He just holds the cones weird.Copy !req
279. You don't realize how lucky you are.Copy !req
280. You could throw a rock
and hit a dozen straight people,Copy !req
281. but I'm all by my myself
in this stupid town.Copy !req
282. Ow! Are you kidding me?Copy !req
283. I'm sorry. I've never tried
to throw something before.Copy !req
284. I didn't know I was that good at it.Copy !req
285. Jocky guy throws a rock at the lesbian.
How original.Copy !req
286. Oh...Copy !req
287. There's been a grave misunderstanding.Copy !req
288. I'm gay too.Copy !req
289. No way.Copy !req
290. All right, if you're doing okay,Copy !req
291. Mama's gonna take her top off
and try the rope swing.Copy !req
292. This is awesome.
I'll have to introduce you to everyone.Copy !req
293. How many of us are there?Copy !req
294. Well, with you there's three.Copy !req
295. - Three?
- Yeah.Copy !req
296. You, me, and Jimmy
from the ice cream shop.Copy !req
297. I knew it.Copy !req
298. We shouldn't be arguing over who gets
special moments with our granddaughter.Copy !req
299. Absolutely. I'm glad we found
a mature way to settle this.Copy !req
300. I get to take her to...Copy !req
301. Oh... Oboe recital.Copy !req
302. That's the worst one.Copy !req
303. You can't tell if they're good or bad.Copy !req
304. Walk her down the aisle at her wedding.Copy !req
305. Suck it, Bob.Copy !req
306. Ha-ha!Copy !req
307. Pick great-grandkid's middle name.Copy !req
308. That's easy.Copy !req
309. Bob.Copy !req
310. And what if it's a girl?Copy !req
311. Boob.Copy !req
312. My fault for asking.Copy !req
313. - How'd you do?
- Decent.Copy !req
314. Hey, you got a number.Copy !req
315. I wrote it myself.Copy !req
316. It's my mom's work.
She said never ever call it.Copy !req
317. - I'm sure you cleaned up.
- Most of these guys are idiots.Copy !req
318. And surprisingly, way sweatier than you.Copy !req
319. I told you
I was in the normal range.Copy !req
320. Ugh...Copy !req
321. Oh my God,
is this the Christopher Walken shirt?Copy !req
322. Were we ever interrupted
when we were getting it on in there?Copy !req
323. No. You know why?Copy !req
324. When I hung that in the window,
people knew.Copy !req
325. When you see
the Walken, you don't come a-knockin'.Copy !req
326. You're such a weirdo.Copy !req
327. Yeah. A total freak.Copy !req
328. Please be a local pervert.Copy !req
329. Hey, handsome.Copy !req
330. This is such a romantic spot.Copy !req
331. Stacy. Uh, look,
when I said "I love you," it—Copy !req
332. It's okay. Love is scary.Copy !req
333. Now, let's make a baby.Copy !req
334. What the hell, Jay? I'm gonna murder you!Copy !req
335. - You'll have to get through me first.
- You're adorable.Copy !req
336. Ow!Copy !req
337. Go easy on him.
He's meeting my mother this weekend.Copy !req
338. Well, now I know why...
on the first day of school,Copy !req
339. everyone shows up at the nurse's office
with the same rash.Copy !req
340. Grandma, I'm gonna go find Jay.
Um, why don't you get some punch?Copy !req
341. Oh! I love punch.Copy !req
342. What are the chances your friend Gwen
will go through an experimental phase?Copy !req
343. 100%.Copy !req
344. Ozzie, have you seen Jay?Copy !req
345. Don't care. With my gay posse.Copy !req
346. - Come on, Gwen, it's not what you think.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
347. Perfect timing.Copy !req
348. I found this piece of shit in the woods
cheating on you with this rando.Copy !req
349. That's not what happened.Copy !req
350. I'm not a rando. We're in love.Copy !req
351. Thanks, Jay. This night's turning out
to be so romantic.Copy !req
352. No, Leia, you don't get it.Copy !req
353. I said "I love you" to a bunch of chicks,
but it didn't mean anything.Copy !req
354. I'd just say it to get what I wanted,
or to get out of trouble.Copy !req
355. I love you?Copy !req
356. I love you.Copy !req
357. Love you.Copy !req
358. Jay Kelso?Copy !req
359. You told me you died!Copy !req
360. Probably shouldn't have done that.Copy !req
361. What, all the sex?Copy !req
362. Yes.Copy !req
363. Punch had a little kick.Copy !req