1. Here's an interesting headline.
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2. "Annoying kid leaves kitchen."
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3. "Local man keeps foot to himself."
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4. Good morning.
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5. Hi, honey. Oh...
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6. Somebody's got some juice
in their caboose.
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7. Grandma, I know what you mean,
but... oh my God.
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8. I am in a good mood.
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9. I have an interview
where Gwen works at the mall.
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10. Yup, your granddaughter's gonna be
a working girl.
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11. Can you please just call it a job?
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12. Oh, oh...
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13. Is it at a Yankee Candle?
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14. I would tear that place apart
if I had an employee discount.
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15. I would be knee-deep in wicks.
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16. It's at Hot Topic.
It's like the coolest store in the mall.
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17. That place is not for you.
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18. I know it's not a perfect fit,
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19. but Gwen is the main reason
I come here for the summer.
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20. I feed you.
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21. And even though she has a job,
and I have a boyfriend,
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22. I wanna make sure we get
to spend a lot of time together.
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23. My first job was in a hole.
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24. Nobody told me what to do for a week.
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25. So I just sat there in the dark
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26. waiting for somebody
to lower me a sandwich.
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27. I'm gonna get going.
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28. Good luck, kiddo. Enjoy taxes.
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29. Now, you are not gonna believe this, Red.
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30. Nate and Nikki broke up,
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31. and Ozzie is here
to fill me in on the gossip.
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32. I don't know who any of those people are.
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33. I wish I had something saucy,
Mrs. Forman, but...
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34. they were together for a long time,
and the magic was gone.
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35. They were in a rut.
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36. Just like you two.
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37. We are not in a rut.
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38. We keep things exciting.
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39. Tonight is pot pie night,
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40. and Red, hold on to your slippers,
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41. I am thinking of adding cheese.
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42. The hell you are.
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43. We've had it without cheese for 40 years
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44. 'cause that's the way we like it.
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45. Oh my gosh. We are in a rut.
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46. Don't listen to him. He's five.
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47. I could do this all day.
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48. It's like a Walgreens down here.
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49. Hello, Wisconsin!
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50. Not enough chocolate
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51. Science is hard.
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52. But we will prevail.
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53. Maybe we should think about
a 5th year of high school.
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54. But I'm glad to see you're in a good mood.
He's been such a mope since the breakup.
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55. Yeah, that first week was brutal,
but I'm coming out of it.
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56. Just sucks because
Nikki's probably devastated.
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57. Oh yeah. I've been there.
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58. Right now, she's either crying
into her tube top
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59. or riding the mechanical bull
for some male attention.
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60. Either way, she's drunk.
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61. Nik?
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62. Here's all the stuff you left at my house.
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63. Thanks. That's really cool of you.
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64. Oh.
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65. You burned everything.
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66. I burned a guy's stuff once,
but it was his car.
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67. You're doing way better
than I thought you'd be doing.
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68. See, I was sad at first,
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69. but then I realized
that we weren't meant to be.
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70. But that doesn't mean
I'm not gonna torture you first.
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71. You know that striped thong
you wanted me to buy
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72. because you thought
I'd look like a sexy referee?
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73. I'm familiar.
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74. I'm gonna go buy it,
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75. and then I'm gonna tell you
when I'm wearing it.
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76. Because I want you to know
what you're missing.
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77. Touchdown.
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78. - Bye Mrs. Runck.
- Bye, sweetie.
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79. You okay, dude?
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80. Mommy.
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81. Oh boy. I had to torch a guy's Pontiac
to get this kind of reaction.
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82. Hey, you.
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83. Hey, you came to visit me.
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84. - I'm here for a job interview.
- You wanna work here?
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85. That'd be dope,
but I don't think you're gonna like it.
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86. Why wouldn't I?
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87. Well, if you're actually gonna interview
here, you should dress more metal.
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88. This is the periodic table of elements.
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89. It has all the metals.
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90. Come with me.
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91. Nice.
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92. Thanks. I feel so cool...
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93. Here comes my boss.
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94. Keep saying how much you love this place
'cause he's way into Hot Topic.
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95. Is he gonna make me pee in a cup?
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96. - 'Cause I don't know if I'll pass.
- Dude. I work here.
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97. Gwen.
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98. We need some pliers and a lot of gauze.
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99. Another customer got tangled up
in the nipple clamps.
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100. Hey, I'm Leia Forman.
I'm here for the interview.
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101. Forman?
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102. You wouldn't be related
to an Eric Forman, would you?
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103. 'Cause that guy stole
my smoking hot Donna.
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104. Uh... no.
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105. My dad's name is... Norman Forman.
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106. And my mom? Ugly.
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107. Good. Good. Good.
'Cause I loathe Eric Forman.
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108. Sometimes I fantasize about
hitting him with my Geo Storm,
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109. and then just backing up
to finish the job.
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110. Yeah, crush his skull,
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111. and then his dumb family
couldn't even have an open casket.
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112. His daughter would probably be so sad.
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113. That's messed up.
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114. You're hired.
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115. Hey, Mitch.
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116. What are you doing in here,
you Abercrombie scum?
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117. Oh, by the way, Mitch has
a psychotic hatred for Abercrombie.
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118. - And Fitch?
- And Fitch.
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119. It's cool. We brought you
some birthday cake.
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120. We have a lot of leftovers
because we don't eat dessert, obviously.
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121. Oh!
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122. Put your shirts down.
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123. I got this, Mitch.
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124. If you're here, who's harassing
all the Cheesecake Factory waitresses?
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125. Uh, Susan thinks I'm hilarious.
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126. She actually told me
I'm funnier than Martin Lawrence.
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127. "Aww, damn Gina!"
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128. That's dead on.
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129. Do not think he's funny.
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130. Later, ladies.
I'll see you at the gym, Mitch.
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131. No, you won't,
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132. 'cause Mother lets me use
her NordicTrack at home.
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133. Hello, sexy gardener.
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134. I brought you some iced tea.
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135. What's with the dress? Did someone die?
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136. Was it Bob?
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137. No, I put this on
to be fun and spontaneous.
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138. Oh, Kitty, stop it.
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139. We have a wonderful life.
Except for right now. This is annoying.
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140. You're not hearing me, Red.
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141. We have gotten too comfortable.
We need to... to shake things up.
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142. Would it kill us to make love
before Wheel of Fortune?
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143. Before Wheel of Fortune?
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144. We'd miss Peter Jennings.
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145. We are in a rut,
and I'm trying to climb out of it.
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146. You know what I was thinking about
last night?
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147. Going to Paris.
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148. I've always wanted
to make sandwiches with their bread.
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149. Don't get yourself all spun up.
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150. If this is really bothering you,
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151. I'll think about it.
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152. Ooh...
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153. You'll think about it.
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154. Can't wait to brag to the girls
at the salon about that one.
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155. It hurts, Mom.
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156. Aw, buddy, I know.
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157. Breakups are hard.
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158. Mommy's here.
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159. I can't do this anymore.
I gotta go to work. He's yours today.
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160. Bye, sweetie.
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161. Seeing Nik doing so well, I...
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162. I thought I was at rock bottom, but
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163. I was just rock middle.
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164. Dude.
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165. Here.
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166. It's a porn tape I swiped from my dad.
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167. I don't know, man.
I might be too sad for this.
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168. Well, that worked.
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169. It had everything. Romance, mystery.
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170. And how refreshing to see
an accounting firm run by women.
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171. Yeah, but they keep the office fun.
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172. Now give it back.
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173. Hey. Let go.
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174. This is a Kelso family heirloom.
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175. No way, man. I was planning
on being sad again before my bath.
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176. Ozzie.
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177. I thought they were mannequins.
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178. But they're real.
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179. What do you think?
Enough spikes or not enough spikes?
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180. Isn't it beneath you to buy a sexy outfit
to make your ex-boyfriend jealous?
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181. You're right.
It's vindictive. It's immature.
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182. And it's using my body for spite.
Okay, I've talked myself back into it.
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183. Thank you.
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184. Did I just hear you ask
why I hate Abercrombie?
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185. - No.
- 1985 mall talent show.
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186. Mother was there.
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187. I had just begun my breakdance routine
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188. when I heard
the Abercrombie gang chanting,
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189. "You suck!"
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190. I tried to keep it together, but
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191. during my climactic head spin,
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192. I soiled my parachute pants.
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193. I'm gonna go clean out the dressing rooms.
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194. Gwen?
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195. - Shh!
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196. It'll take 45 minutes to make a copy,
and the Formans just left for dinner.
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197. Let's just, uh, hurry up.
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198. I mean, I cannot get caught
doing this, bro.
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199. This is exactly the kind of thing
Leia's grandpa thinks I would do.
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200. Okay, we're all set.
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201. - You hit play. I'll hit record.
- Okay.
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202. One, two, three, go.
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203. Jennifer,
you forgot to fill out your 10-69 form.
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204. Let me help you with that.
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205. Hey, ladies, I'm Axel,
the maintenance guy. It's my first day.
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206. That's where I tapped out last time.
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207. I knew what was about to happen to Axel,
and I was excited for him.
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208. Does anything need to be handled?
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209. You can start by handling my—
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210. Handling what?
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211. Handling what?
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212. I think the tape's jammed.
Get up and fix it.
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213. You get up and fix it.
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214. I... I can't right now.
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215. Me neither.
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216. I don't know what your excuse is,
but I've got a boner.
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217. Okay, same time, then.
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218. It won't come out.
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219. I wish Axel was here.
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220. This would never happen to him.
He's so lucky.
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221. Let's take the VCR, okay?
They'll think they got robbed.
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222. Wait. Who breaks into someone's house
but only takes a VCR?
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223. Right.
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224. Let's steal more stuff.
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225. You are so smart.
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226. We're smart.
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227. Not bad, huh?
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228. I really appreciate
you making the effort, Red.
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229. I think this used to be
my gynecologist's office.
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230. Yep, yep, yep.
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231. This is it.
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232. Oh, so many fancy choices.
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233. - I can't eat this crap.
- It's pronounced crepe, Red.
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234. Bonsoir, monsieur, mademoiselle.
Can I start you off with sparkling water?
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235. - We'll have whatever's free.
- No, actually, let's try something new.
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236. Give the lady the bubble water.
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237. - Ah.
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238. Red.
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239. This is spicy.
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240. - Gwen, what are you doing?
- Kissing a hot guy?
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241. Yeah, you were.
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242. Can you leave so we can talk?
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243. Can you leave so she can
get back to kissing a hot guy?
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244. It's okay. I'll catch up with you later.
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245. Well, I'm going to Fuddruckers.
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246. My aunt choked there once,
so I get free pop.
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247. What is going on?
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248. Are you two Fuddrucking?
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249. No. He's just like my human Bop It.
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250. You know? Bop it, twist it, pull it...
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251. Ew! I play that game with my dad.
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252. - How long has this been going on?
- Like a month.
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253. A month? Gwen, you should have told me
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254. you were hooking up
with the Abercrombie & Fitch guy!
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255. What?
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256. Gwen. My office, right now.
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257. The chair where people try on boots?
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258. It's a multipurpose chair.
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259. - You mean like every chair?
- Office!
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260. Why is the Formans' living room
in my kitchen?
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261. We were making a copy of a nudie flick.
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262. Please don't tell the FBI.
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263. It got jammed in the Formans' VCR, so—
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264. So you wanted to steal the VCR,
but that'd look suspicious,
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265. so you stole everything.
I dated guys like you.
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266. Jay was just trying to cheer me up.
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267. - This breakup's killing me.
- Aw, buddy.
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268. It's a real kick in the cooch.
It hurts, but then it gets better.
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269. Yeah, dude.
It's like when you came out of that lake
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270. with that crawdad on your scrote.
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271. And at first, you were crying,
trying to yank it off.
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272. But then you let go.
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273. And it let go.
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274. You gotta let her go, bro.
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275. Thanks, man.
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276. Gives me hope.
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277. I love you, hon.
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278. I was nervous when you said "scrote,"
but you landed the plane there, kid.
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279. I get it. You're mad.
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280. Oh. It's bigger than anger, Gwen.
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281. You broke my heart.
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282. And I don't have a lot going on.
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283. Gwen, I got this job at this ghoul factory
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284. 'cause I'd do anything
to spend time with you.
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285. Meanwhile, you've been lying to me
for a month.
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286. Are we on the same page here?
I thought we're best friends.
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287. - Leia, it's not like that.
- Yeah, it's worse than that.
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288. This is Hot Topic, and you know
what the topic is? It's trust.
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289. - You're fired.
- Seriously?
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290. Yeah. Turn in your dog collar,
get out of my store.
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291. Fine. Your store sucks,
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292. and I'm telling the whole mall
your belly button ring is infected.
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293. What? No, it's not.
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294. Why would you even say that?
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295. It smells totally normal.
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296. I can't believe you did that.
If she's fired, then I quit.
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297. Oh no! A girl who's worked here
almost three hours is quitting.
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298. Whatever will I do?
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299. By the way, my dad is Eric Forman,
and Donna's my mom,
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300. and they do it all the time.
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301. And he doesn't even have to ask that much.
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302. Will you tell your mom I said "What's up?"
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303. Have you had a chance to peruse the menu?
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304. I was eyeing the trout almondine,
but it doesn't have a price.
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305. - It's offered at market price.
- Oh, how much is that?
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306. It depends on the price
that has been dictated by the market.
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307. When I get the check
at the end of the meal,
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308. what little number is going to be
next to trout almondine?
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309. I don't know.
I'm not the master of the market.
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310. I'll just, uh... I'll have something else.
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311. No. No, no.
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312. If you want fish,
you get the fish.
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313. At market price.
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314. - What sides does it come with?
- The chef decides.
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315. Just the way we decided...
to save your French asses in WWII?
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316. I'm from Kenosha.
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317. We're done.
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318. I'm gonna clean my grout with this.
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319. Just put that on the table.
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320. We didn't bring the table,
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321. which I said we should,
but you're bossy in a crisis.
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322. What the hell?
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323. Uh... uh...
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324. Porn got stuck,
so we robbed your grandparents.
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325. Leia, it was one of those ideas
that was bad, but then it got good,
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326. and then it got real bad.
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327. Now you're caught up.
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328. Why are we talking?
They could be home any minute.
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329. - How are we gonna put this stuff back?
- Relax.
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330. We just need a fresh idea.
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331. It's Mentos, bitches.
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332. Ozzie, your fresh idea is standing
in the middle of the room?
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333. Oh. Was I not talking?
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334. Come on. We gotta put this stuff back.
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335. What happened to my living room?
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336. That pillow doesn't belong there.
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337. Oh...
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338. That's way better.
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339. Thanks for trying tonight, honey.
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340. I'm sorry it got so crazy.
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341. I was... trying to make you feel special.
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342. Aww, Red.
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343. You know what?
If we are in a rut, I love our rut.
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344. Well, what do you say
we make up for this tomorrow and
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345. head over to Gordy's
for a couple of fish dinners?
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346. Mmm... I love Gordy's.
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347. And they let you pick your own darn sides.
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348. Better yet, we could skip Gordy's
and, uh, spend some time together.
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349. Before Wheel of Fortune.
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350. Well, that sounds like fun.
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351. But I...
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352. I kind of have my heart
set on Gordy's now.
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353. I was hoping you'd say that.
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354. Oh. Hey, Gwen.
I probably should have told you this,
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355. but for the past month
I've been keeping a secret too.
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356. I'm married to Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
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357. You're an idiot.
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358. An idiot in love... with teen sensation
Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
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359. Fine. I should have told you everything.
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360. - But it's really embarrassing.
- What?
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361. I like him.
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362. Like, really like him.
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363. - Aww.
- Not aww.
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364. He's popular and preppy and normal.
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365. It goes against everything I stand for.
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366. - What's his name?
- Cole Carson.
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367. - That's a hot name.
- I know.
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368. I'm so screwed.
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369. You have to tell me everything.
Where was your first date?
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370. Have you guys held hands?
Are his lips as soft as they look?
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371. Applebee's, we're way past that,
and even softer.
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372. Don't wait up. I got a meeting.
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373. With a mechanical bull.
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374. Hey.
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375. Thanks.
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376. You're not gonna say anything
about me touching your balls?
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377. We really are broken up.
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378. Look, if you're here to torture me,
can it wait until tomorrow?
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379. I'm having a way harder time than you.
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380. I'm having a hard time too.
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381. My revenge underwear
is so far up my butt crack
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382. that it's a part of me now.
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383. - None of this is making me feel better.
- Nik, I'm sorry.
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384. For everything.
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385. It was already happening.
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386. I mean, one of us had to be
brave enough to end things.
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387. Hey, thanks for helping
to put all the Formans' stuff back.
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388. Yeah, no, I've always wanted to help
my ex-boyfriend with his porn heist.
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389. - But I'm glad you got your tape back.
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390. Uh-oh.
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391. I was expecting Jane Fonda.
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392. Instead, I got Shane Fondle.
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