1. Hey, Red, I've got a question for you.Copy !req
2. My wife says she doesn't want
anything for Valentine's day.Copy !req
3. So I'm off the hook, right?Copy !req
4. Let me tell you a little story.Copy !req
5. There was a woman, a newly-wed.Copy !req
6. And she told her husband,Copy !req
7. rather then waste money on gifts,Copy !req
8. save for retirement.Copy !req
9. And so he never bought her a gift.Copy !req
10. Not for Christmas, birthdays... never.Copy !req
11. And 50 years later,Copy !req
12. she thanked him.Copy !req
13. And you know who that woman was?Copy !req
14. No.Copy !req
15. That woman ...Copy !req
16. was the invisible dancing fairy of dumb-ass land!Copy !req
17. All women want gifts.Copy !req
18. Well ...Copy !req
19. what do you get a stripper anyway?Copy !req
20. Oh, how about a robe
and a father who gave a damn?Copy !req
21. Mrs. Forman, life's a trade off.Copy !req
22. If her father gave a damn,
I wouldn't have this smile on my face.Copy !req
23. Well Steven,Copy !req
24. it is important to keep romance alive
once you're married.Copy !req
25. That's why I bought a present for Red
and I'm sure he has one for me.Copy !req
26. Because he loves me and
he knows what I'm capable of.Copy !req
27. That's right honey!
Wait till you see what I got you!Copy !req
28. You romantic little devil you!Copy !req
29. Not hardly.Copy !req
30. Follow me rookie.Copy !req
31. Ever since I forgot Kitty's birthday that one year,Copy !req
32. I keep a stash of gifts down here.Copy !req
33. That way, even if I forget, I remember.Copy !req
34. Go ahead, I'll spot you one.Copy !req
35. Oh hey,Copy !req
36. these woolen mittens'd be perfect for Sam.Copy !req
37. If only they were black,Copy !req
38. leather and a bra.Copy !req
39. So what are you giving Kitty?Copy !req
40. Ahh this needlepoint.Copy !req
41. She'll like it because it's funCopy !req
42. and I'll like it because
it'll keep her occupied
for gigantic chunks of time.Copy !req
43. Jackie dear, uhh,Copy !req
44. thank you for booking that lovely couple
on our Fools For Love piece.Copy !req
45. That guy was so cute.Copy !req
46. You know he said no matter where he went.
He always heard his wife's voice saying "I love you".Copy !req
47. Well apparently another voice in his head
told him to push her off a Ferris wheel.Copy !req
48. Oh my God!Copy !req
49. Oh no no no no no, that's horrible!Copy !req
50. It's a tragedy!Copy !req
51. We don't have a couple for today's show.Copy !req
52. You've got three hours
to find another one or you're fired.Copy !req
53. Oh I'm just kidding ...Copy !req
54. No I'm not.Copy !req
55. Seriously Jackie, just kidding about firing you.Copy !req
56. Christine St. George's office.Copy !req
57. I wasn't kidding.Copy !req
58. Psssst Jackie! Come here!Copy !req
59. Ohhhh. What do you want?Copy !req
60. I wanted to say: don't worry.Copy !req
61. It'll all work out between you and Christine.Copy !req
62. Well thanks.Copy !req
63. Christine St. George's office.Copy !req
64. You're gonna get fired!Copy !req
65. You're gonna get fired!Copy !req
66. That '70s Show
Episode 8x12 - Killer QueenCopy !req
67. Transcript : twiztvCopy !req
68. Synchro : JarickCopy !req
69. Hey, Record Guy...Copy !req
70. Mr. Record...Copy !req
71. Mr. Record Breaker...Copy !req
72. Captain Record of the U.S.S. Phonograph.Copy !req
73. Donna, Hyde's already given me a nickname.Copy !req
74. It's Mrs. Lady-Lovely-Locks.Copy !req
75. Okay.Copy !req
76. Mrs. Locks. Uhm...Copy !req
77. I was wondering if maybe you'd like to...Copy !req
78. I don't know, like ...Copy !req
79. do something with me tonight for good old VD?Copy !req
80. Valentine's Day!Copy !req
81. Not VD!Copy !req
82. I am clean as a whistle!Copy !req
83. Man it's uh,Copy !req
84. it's really nice of you to ask butCopy !req
85. I've already got plans with someone else.Copy !req
86. Maybe a rain check.Copy !req
87. Sure. I love rain checks.Copy !req
88. In fact, I love checking for rain.Copy !req
89. I'm gonna go check for rain right now.Copy !req
90. That's the office, here's no rain in there.Copy !req
91. Clear out here too!Copy !req
92. Oh. Fez!Copy !req
93. I have to find a happy couple
for Christine to interview today or I'm fired.Copy !req
94. What about Red and Ms. Kitty?Copy !req
95. Ugggg, I might as well book that painting of the old lady
and the geezer with the pitchfork.Copy !req
96. Ah I see where you're going with this Jackie, and don't worry,Copy !req
97. if it will save your job,
I will pretend to be your boyfriend.Copy !req
98. We should probably practice.Copy !req
99. Oh! Get off me!Copy !req
100. I was trying to help!Copy !req
101. You were trying to cop a feel!Copy !req
102. You didn't let me finish.Copy !req
103. I was trying to help ...
myself to a handful of your boob.Copy !req
104. But I would like to help.Copy !req
105. No, Fez.
If Christine finds out we're faking it, I'm fired.Copy !req
106. I can see all that, baby.Copy !req
107. Besides,Copy !req
108. interracial couples are sexy.Copy !req
109. Because it's illegal.Copy !req
110. Fez, it's not illegal
for people of two different races to date.Copy !req
111. It's not?Copy !req
112. Freaking Hyde!Copy !req
113. Hey.Copy !req
114. Hey.Copy !req
115. Look, I just wanna make sure
you didn't get the wrong idea when I asked you out,Copy !req
116. because I was asking you out as like... as friends.Copy !req
117. Well, I'm glad you consider me a friend,Copy !req
118. cause when I said I had plans earlier,
actually I have a date.Copy !req
119. And I was thinking maybe you could help me out
and give me some advice.Copy !req
120. You know, from the female perspective.Copy !req
121. I'd ask my cousin but she's kinda into me,
it's weird.Copy !req
122. Sure, yeah. I mean what do you have planned?Copy !req
123. I was thinking ... we start sweet,
with... strawberry wine.Copy !req
124. Then, we get a tad naughty with Dirty Word Mad Libs.Copy !req
125. And then, hold on ... what's this?Copy !req
126. Tickets to the Monster Truck Mud Mayhem!Copy !req
127. Wow Randy, that sounds like a great idea.Copy !req
128. If you're dating Granny from the Beverly Hill Billies.Copy !req
129. It's just.. there is something
I don't like about the usual roses,
fancy dinner and theater tickets.Copy !req
130. It's so ...Copy !req
131. expensive.Copy !req
132. Hey Leo,Copy !req
133. what is you idea of a romantic date?Copy !req
134. November 13th.Copy !req
135. But this year is ruined, man.
I gotta go to the dentist.Copy !req
136. Well I hope you two lovebirds are ready
to tell us all about your relationship.Copy !req
137. We sure are.Copy !req
138. We've been dating so long,
we finish each other's...Copy !req
139. Sentences.Copy !req
140. Well, I was going to say sandwiches but whatever.Copy !req
141. Okay, here we go.Copy !req
142. What's Up, Wisconsin?Copy !req
143. It's time for our annual "Fools For Love" segmentCopy !req
144. and with me todayCopy !req
145. is my assistant, Jackie Burkhart
and her boyfriend, Fez...Copy !req
146. How do you pronounce your last name?Copy !req
147. Oh, the first five Ks are silent.Copy !req
148. See how they look at each other!Copy !req
149. Hm. It's just the way Sonny used to look
at me while Cher was in make-up.Copy !req
150. So... tell us how you two met.Copy !req
151. Well uhm...Copy !req
152. I'll take this one baby.Copy !req
153. It was the third grade.Copy !req
154. Jackie came to school with pink-eye.Copy !req
155. All the kids teased her, so ...Copy !req
156. I rubbed her eye and infected myself.Copy !req
157. So she wouldn't be alone.Copy !req
158. I guess you can say it was love at first sight!Copy !req
159. Pink sight that is.Copy !req
160. Well I'm sure my viewers are dying to know
the secret of your happiness.Copy !req
161. It's very simple.Copy !req
162. We make out every chance we get.Copy !req
163. Kiss me baby!Copy !req
164. Nooooo! No no baby baby, I ...Copy !req
165. I have a cold sore.Copy !req
166. Well baby, that wouldn't be the first time
I got a disease from you baby.Copy !req
167. No no baby, I just... I ate some garlic bread.Copy !req
168. Oh baby that's perfect!
I just ate spaghetti, baby!Copy !req
169. Oh. Baby...Copy !req
170. Baby.Copy !req
171. Baby.Copy !req
172. Baby.Copy !req
173. Baby.Copy !req
174. BABY!Copy !req
175. Come on Jackie.Copy !req
176. Give your man a Valentine's Day kiss!Copy !req
177. Call the fire department!Copy !req
178. You can't fake passion like that.Copy !req
179. We'll be right back.Copy !req
180. Well, that was terrific.Copy !req
181. Jackie, thank you,
you acted yourself darling.Copy !req
182. And Fez ...
as usual I didn't understand a word you said.Copy !req
183. Fez! We did it!Copy !req
184. Oh you totally saved my job.Copy !req
185. Yes. And you totally were not kidding
when you said you ate garlic bread.Copy !req
186. There's my Valentine.Copy !req
187. See, now. The card is a heart,Copy !req
188. actually it's your heart,
and it's saying: "Hi Red, remember when I attacked you?"Copy !req
189. It's a reminder to cut back on fatty fried foods.Copy !req
190. Well that's real cute.Copy !req
191. I'll tell you what,Copy !req
192. you close your eyes and start counting
and I'll be right back with your gift!Copy !req
193. 1 ...Copy !req
194. 2 ...Copy !req
195. 3 ...Copy !req
196. 4 ...Copy !req
197. What the hell!Copy !req
198. Oh Nooo!Copy !req
199. 23 ...Copy !req
200. 24 ...Copy !req
201. 25 ...Copy !req
202. 26 ...Copy !req
203. 27 ...Copy !req
204. 28 ...Copy !req
205. 29 ...Copy !req
206. 30 ...Copy !req
207. 31 ...Copy !req
208. 32 ...Copy !req
209. 33 ...Copy !req
210. Mrs. St. George, are you okay?Copy !req
211. Yes, it's ...
this happens to me every Valentine's Day.Copy !req
212. I see a couple in loveCopy !req
213. and it reminds me that I am missing the one thing
that every woman needs to feel good about herself.Copy !req
214. A friend that is fatter then you?Copy !req
215. Love!Copy !req
216. I sacrificed love for my career andCopy !req
217. sometimes I think I maybe did the wrong thing.Copy !req
218. Have a drink with me.Copy !req
219. Really?Copy !req
220. Tell me all about yourself.Copy !req
221. Who you are, what makes you tick.Copy !req
222. Well, uhm...Copy !req
223. No.Copy !req
224. Let's go back to me.Copy !req
225. I was born in a small hamlet,Copy !req
226. just outside a little place I like to call New York ...Copy !req
227. And so I returned safely to base-camp.Copy !req
228. That half-frozen sherpa on my back.Copy !req
229. There is a famous Tibetan folksong about it.Copy !req
230. Wow. You're incredible.Copy !req
231. So are you.Copy !req
232. Here's to you dear.Copy !req
233. No. To you Ms. St. George.Copy !req
234. Well, that's what I meant.Copy !req
235. Why on God's green earth would I drink to you?Copy !req
236. You're cut off.Copy !req
237. So do I look okay?Copy !req
238. Just wanna make sure
my outfit doesn't send the wrong message to my date.Copy !req
239. Okay, what message are you trying to send?Copy !req
240. I'd like it to say :Copy !req
241. Hi, my name is Randy.Copy !req
242. I'm a fun-loving, yet slightly naughty guy.Copy !req
243. The little boy in me is insecure,Copy !req
244. but the man in me is cocky,Copy !req
245. giving me a playfully heady mix of humilityCopy !req
246. and aloofness.Copy !req
247. I like you,Copy !req
248. let's party!Copy !req
249. I think you are asking
a little too much from a jacket, but ...Copy !req
250. go have fun.Copy !req
251. Okay Donna,Copy !req
252. you're Valentine's here!Copy !req
253. I thought we'd start with some Hangman,Copy !req
254. then move into something
that really gets the pulse racing like ...Copy !req
255. Yahtzee.Copy !req
256. Alright.
Just so long as when you get Yhatzee you yell Poopsie.Copy !req
257. That's not a promise I can make.Copy !req
258. Oeh, pizza!Copy !req
259. Oh. You're back.Copy !req
260. Hope your car is not blocking the driveway,
we're expecting a pizza.Copy !req
261. Donna,Copy !req
262. would you go out with me on a big Valentine's Day date?Copy !req
263. What about the other girl?Copy !req
264. There is no other girl.Copy !req
265. I just think you're hot and I want to go out with you.Copy !req
266. I'm a father and I'm standing right here!Copy !req
267. Here Mr. Pinciotti.Copy !req
268. Pizza's on me.Copy !req
269. Have her home by sunrise.Copy !req
270. Hey Kitty.Copy !req
271. Hi Red.Copy !req
272. Sorry I didn't get around to making dinner, but ...Copy !req
273. I was too busy counting to 956.Copy !req
274. Well, it's gonna be worth it,Copy !req
275. cause I found your gift.Copy !req
276. Look at that.Copy !req
277. Pack of gum.Copy !req
278. Tire gauge.Copy !req
279. Actually the gum was for me.Copy !req
280. Red!Copy !req
281. Kitty, you always said
it's the thought that counts.Copy !req
282. Oh I said that to Eric when he was fiveCopy !req
283. and he gave me that stupid macaroni-frame.Copy !req
284. You!Copy !req
285. What did you do?Copy !req
286. I'm sorry Red.Copy !req
287. I was down there picking out a gift for SamCopy !req
288. and she caught me and assumed everything was for her.Copy !req
289. And she started kissing me everywhere and...Copy !req
290. I just handed everything over to her.Copy !req
291. That's her power man.Copy !req
292. Good God Steven,Copy !req
293. the whole stash?Copy !req
294. Look, I know I owe you an apology butCopy !req
295. can it wait?Copy !req
296. Cause Sam just send me up here
to get some whipped cream. So...Copy !req
297. Sorry!Copy !req
298. Okay.Copy !req
299. What were you two talking about?Copy !req
300. Well Kitty ...Copy !req
301. I had a stash of gifts
down there for every occasion.Copy !req
302. That way, if I forgot to buy you something,Copy !req
303. I'd still be covered.Copy !req
304. You buy my gifts in bulk?Copy !req
305. Nooooo ... it's ... more of a ...Copy !req
306. vast inventory of love.Copy !req
307. Well,Copy !req
308. you're about to get
a vast inventory of my foot in your ass!Copy !req
309. Yeah! I can do that too!Copy !req
310. Wow.Copy !req
311. So ... this was for me all along?Copy !req
312. Yeah.Copy !req
313. For one day I wanted to transform
this crappy little record storeCopy !req
314. into a crappy little bistro.Copy !req
315. Thanks.Copy !req
316. So, when I asked you out,
why did you pretend to have another date?Copy !req
317. Donna.Copy !req
318. I've wanted to ask you out for a long time.Copy !req
319. And then you kinda beat me to it
and I'm kinda of a traditional guy.Copy !req
320. I like to make the first move.Copy !req
321. But ... if you want to make the second move,Copy !req
322. well, you're in luck.Copy !req
323. I'm not wearing a bra!Copy !req
324. That's good to know.Copy !req
325. Hey!Copy !req
326. I just had the best meal!Copy !req
327. Somebody left two whole steak-dinners in there!Copy !req
328. Now if you'll excuse me,Copy !req
329. I'm off to the Monster Truck Show.Copy !req
330. Would you just listen?Copy !req
331. Oh Red, I'd love to talk to youCopy !req
332. but I have to check the pressure in my tires!Copy !req
333. Hey Red.Copy !req
334. Kitty told Sam the presents weren't for her.Copy !req
335. Now I'm kinda in trouble.Copy !req
336. So, I got us each
a bouquet of flowers for our ladies.Copy !req
337. Kitty! I got you roses!Copy !req
338. See how it feels, dumb-ass?Copy !req
339. Jackie. Come in.Copy !req
340. Please.Copy !req
341. I just wanna thank you for yesterday.Copy !req
342. I feel we really bonded.Copy !req
343. As much as a star can bond with a commoner.Copy !req
344. Well I'm ... I'm really glad that we talked.Copy !req
345. You know, I got to see there's a real person in there.Copy !req
346. Someone with hopes and fears and emotions.Copy !req
347. Well, I'm only human.Copy !req
348. And you snuck a rare peak
behind my iron curtain didn't you?Copy !req
349. I know.Copy !req
350. You know I really feel
like I got to know you better.Copy !req
351. Yes you did.Copy !req
352. And so you're fired.Copy !req
353. Wait, what?Copy !req
354. I cannot have an employee know so much about me.Copy !req
355. And since you're TV career is finished,Copy !req
356. may I suggest bartending?Copy !req
357. You pour a mean Scotch, lady.Copy !req
358. I work my butt off for you.Copy !req
359. Thank you. Out you go.Copy !req
360. Go on.Copy !req
361. Okay alright you know what?
Nobody here likes you.Copy !req
362. They only pretend to like you
because you're famous.Copy !req
363. And I pretend to like them
because they bring me lunch.Copy !req
364. Oh God. Ohhh. You are a crazy bitter ladyCopy !req
365. with a hole where your heart should be!Copy !req
366. Now is that supposed to hurt me?Copy !req
367. I have a mug that says that.Copy !req
368. Those shoes are so last season!Copy !req
369. Rot in hell you worthless maggot!Copy !req
370. Well I guess that's it.Copy !req
371. Awww, I promised myself I wouldn't cry.Copy !req
372. Wadda ya know, I didn't.Copy !req
373. Okay look.Copy !req
374. Christine is obviously looking
for a new assistant,Copy !req
375. so I put in a good word for you.Copy !req
376. Really?
Even though I was so mean to you?Copy !req
377. Wow thanks.Copy !req
378. What's Up Wisconsin?Copy !req
379. I licked your phone!Copy !req
380. I licked your phone!Copy !req