1. Hey, Red,
I got a question for you.
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2. My wife says she doesn't want
anything for Valentine's Day.
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3. So I'm off the hook, right?
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4. Let me tell you a little
story.
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5. There was a woman, a newlywed.
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6. And she told her husband,
"Rather than waste money on gifts,
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7. "save for retirement." And
so he never bought her a gift.
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8. Not for Christmas,
birthdays, never.
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9. And 50 years later,
she thanked him.
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10. And you know who
that woman was? No.
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11. That woman was the invisible
dancing fairy of Dumb Ass Land.
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12. All women want gifts.
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13. Well, what do you
get a stripper anyway?
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14. Ooh! How about a robe
and a father who gave a damn?
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15. Mrs. Forman,
life's a trade-off.
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16. If her father gave a damn, I
wouldn't have this smile on my face.
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17. Well, Steven,
it is important to keep
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18. romance alive
once you're married.
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19. That's why I bought a present for
Red and I'm sure he has one for me.
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20. Because he loves me and
he knows what I'm capable of.
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21. That's right, honey! Wait
till you see what I got you!
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22. You romantic little devil, you.
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23. Not hardly.
Follow me, rookie.
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24. Ever since I forgot Kitty's
birthday that one year,
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25. I keep a stash of
gifts down here.
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26. That way, even if I forget,
I remember.
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27. Go ahead, I'll spot you one.
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28. Oh, hey, these wool mittens
will be perfect for Sam.
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29. If only they were black,
leather and a bra.
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30. So what are you giving Kitty?
Ah, this needlepoint.
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31. She'll like it because it's
fun, and I'll like it because
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32. it'll keep her occupied
for gigantic chunks of time.
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33. Jackie, dear, thank you
for booking that lovely couple
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34. on our Fools for Love piece.
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35. I know, that guy was so cute.
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36. You know, he said no matter
where he went he always heard
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37. his wife's voice saying,
"I love you."
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38. Ah! Well, apparently
another voice in his head
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39. told him to push her
off a Ferris wheel.
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40. Oh, my God!
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41. Oh, no, no, no, no,
that's horrible!
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42. It's a tragedy! We don't have
a couple for today's show.
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43. You've got three hours to
find another one or you're fired!
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44. Oh, I'm just kidding.
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45. No, I'm not.
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46. Seriously, Jackie,
just kidding about firing you.
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47. Christine St. George's office.
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48. I wasn't kidding.
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49. Psst! Jackie! Come here!
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50. Oh, what do you want?
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51. I wanted to say don't worry.
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52. It'll all work out between
you and Christine.
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53. Oh. Well, thanks.
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54. Christine St. George's office.
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55. You're gonna get fired!
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56. You're gonna get fired!
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57. Hey, record guy. Mr. Record.
Mr. Record Breaker.
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58. Captain Record of
the USS Phonograph.
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59. Donna, Hyde's already
given me a nickname.
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60. It's Mrs. Lady Lovely Locks.
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61. Okay, Mrs. Locks, um,
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62. I was wondering if maybe
you'd like to, I don't know,
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63. like do something with
me tonight, for good old VD.
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64. Valentine's Day!
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65. Not VD.
I am clean as a whistle.
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66. Man, it's really
nice of you to ask
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67. but I've already got plans
with someone else.
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68. Maybe a rain check?
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69. Sure, I love rain checks. In
fact, I love checking for rain.
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70. I'm gonna go check
for rain right now.
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71. That's the office.
There's no rain in there.
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72. Clear out here too!
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73. Ugh! Fez! I have to find a happy couple for
Christine to interview today or I'm fired.
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74. What about Red and Miss Kitty?
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75. Ugh! I might as well
just book that painting
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76. of the old lady and the
geezer with the pitchfork!
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77. I see where you're
going with this, Jackie,
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78. and don't worry,
if it will save your job,
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79. I will pretend to
be your boyfriend.
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80. We should probably practice.
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81. Oh! Get off me!
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82. I was trying to help!
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83. You were trying to cop a feel!
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84. You didn't let me finish.
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85. I was trying to help myself
to a handful of your boob.
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86. But I would like to help.
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87. No, Fez, if Christine finds
out we're faking it, I'm fired.
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88. I can sell it, baby.
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89. Besides, interracial
couples are sexy.
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90. Because it's illegal.
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91. Fez, it's not illegal for people
of two different races to date.
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92. It's not?
Uh-uh.
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93. Freaking Hyde!
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94. Hey.
Hey.
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95. Look, I just wanna
make sure you didn't get
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96. the wrong idea
when I asked you out,
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97. because I was asking
you out as like... As friends.
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98. Well, I'm glad you
consider me a friend,
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99. because when I said I had plans
earlier, I actually have a date.
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100. Oh.
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101. And I was thinking maybe you could
help me out and give me some advice.
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102. You know, from the
female perspective.
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103. I'd ask my cousin but she's
kind of into me. It's weird.
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104. Sure, yeah. I mean,
what do you have planned?
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105. I was thinking, we start sweet
with strawberry wine.
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106. Then, we get a tad naughty
with dirty word Mad Libs.
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107. And then, hold on, what's this?
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108. Tickets to the Monster
Truck Mud Mayhem!
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109. Wow, Randy, that sounds
like a great idea,
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110. if you're dating Granny from
The Beverly Hillbillies.
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111. It's just there's something I
don't like about the usual roses,
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112. fancy dinner and
theater tickets.
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113. It's so expensive.
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114. Hey, Leo, what's your
idea of a romantic date?
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115. November 13th.
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116. But this year it's ruined,
man. I gotta go to the dentist.
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117. Well, I hope you two lovebirds are ready
to tell us all about your relationship.
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118. We sure are.
We've been dating so long,
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119. we finish each other's...
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120. Sentences.
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121. Well, I was going to say
sandwiches, but whatever.
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122. Okay, here we go.
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123. What's Up Wisconsin?
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124. It's time for our annual Fools for
Love segment, and with me today
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125. is my assistant, Jackie
Burkhart, and her boyfriend, Fez...
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126. How do you pronounce
your last name?
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127. Oh, the first five
K's are silent.
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128. See how they look at each other!
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129. It's just the way Sonny used to look
at me while Cher was in make-up.
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130. So, tell us how you two met.
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131. Well, um...
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132. I'll take this one, baby.
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133. It was the third grade. Jackie
came to school with pink eye.
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134. All the kids teased her, so I
rubbed her eye and infected myself,
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135. so she wouldn't be alone.
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136. I guess you can say it was love
at first sight! Pink sight, that is.
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137. Well, I'm sure my viewers are dying
to know the secret of your happiness.
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138. It's very simple.
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139. We make out every chance
we get. Kiss me, baby!
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140. No! No, no, baby, baby,
I have a cold sore.
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141. Well, baby, that wouldn't be the first
time I got a disease from you, baby.
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142. No, no, baby, I just...
I ate some garlic bread.
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143. Oh, baby, that's perfect!
I just ate spaghetti, baby!
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144. Oh, baby!
Baby?
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145. Baby!
Baby!
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146. Baby?
Baby!
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147. Oh, come on, Jackie. Give
your man a Valentine's Day kiss!
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148. Whoo!
Call the fire department!
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149. You can't fake
passion like that.
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150. We'll be right back.
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151. Wow! Well,
that was terrific.
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152. Jackie, thank you.
You outdid yourself, darling.
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153. And Fez, as usual, I didn't
understand a word you said.
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154. Fez! We did it!
Oh, you totally saved my job.
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155. Yes, and you totally were not kidding
when you said you ate garlic bread.
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156. Oh! There's my valentine.
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157. Oh!
See, now, the card is a heart.
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158. Actually, it's your heart,
and it's saying,
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159. "Hi, Red, remember
when I attacked you?"
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160. It's a reminder to cut back
on fatty, fried foods.
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161. Well, that's real cute.
I'll tell you what.
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162. You close your eyes
and start counting
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163. and I'll be right
back with your gift!
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164. One, two, three, four...
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165. What the hell?
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166. Oh, no!
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167. 23, 24, 25, 26,
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168. 27, 28, 29, 30,
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169. 31, 32, 33...
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170. Huh?
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171. Miss St. George,
are you okay?
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172. Yes, this happens
to me every Valentine's Day.
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173. I see a couple in
love and it reminds me
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174. that I am missing the one thing
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175. that every woman needs
to feel good about herself.
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176. A friend that's fatter then you?
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177. Love! I sacrificed
love for my career
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178. and sometimes I think I
maybe did the wrong thing.
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179. Have a drink with me.
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180. Really?
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181. Tell me all about yourself.
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182. Who you are,
what makes you tick.
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183. Well, um...
No!
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184. Let's go back to me.
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185. I was born in a small hamlet
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186. just outside a little place
I like to call New York.
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187. And so I returned
safely to base camp,
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188. that half-frozen
Sherpa on my back.
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189. There's a famous
Tibetan folksong about it.
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190. Wow. You're incredible.
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191. So are you.
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192. Here's to you, dear.
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193. No, to you,
Miss St. George.
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194. Well, that's what I meant.
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195. Why on God's green earth
would I drink to you?
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196. You're cut off.
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197. So do I look okay?
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198. I just wanna make sure my outfit doesn't
send the wrong message to my date.
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199. Okay, well, what message
are you trying to send?
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200. I'd like it to say,
"Hi, my name's Randy.
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201. "I'm a fun-loving yet
slightly naughty guy.
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202. "The little boy in me is insecure,
but the man in me is cocky,
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203. "giving me a playfully heady
mix of humility and aloofness.
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204. "I like you. Let's party!"
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205. I think you are asking a little too
much from a jacket, but go have fun.
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206. Okay, Donna,
your valentine's here!
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207. I thought we'd start with
some hangman, then move into
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208. something that really gets
the pulse racing, like Yahtzee.
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209. All right, just so long as when you
get Yahtzee you don't yell, "Poopsie!"
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210. That's not a promise I can make.
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211. Ooh, pizza!
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212. Oh, you're back.
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213. Hope your car's not blocking the
driveway. We're expecting a pizza.
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214. Donna, will you go out with me
on a big Valentine's Day date?
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215. What about the other girl?
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216. There is no other girl.
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217. I just think you're hot
and I want to go out with you.
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218. Oh!
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219. I'm her father and
I'm standing right here!
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220. Here, Mr. Pinciotti.
Pizza's on me.
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221. Have her home by sunrise.
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222. Hey, Kitty.
Oh.
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223. Hi, Red.
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224. Sorry I didn't get
around to making dinner,
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225. but I was too
busy counting to 956.
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226. Well, it's gonna be worth it,
'cause I found your gift.
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227. Oh! Look at that.
Pack of gum. Tire gauge.
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228. Actually, the gum
was for me. Red!
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229. Kitty, you always said
it's the thought that counts.
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230. Oh, I said that to
Eric when he was five
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231. and he gave me that
stupid macaroni frame.
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232. You! What did you do?
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233. I'm sorry, Red. I was down
there picking out a gift for Sam,
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234. and she caught me and
assumed everything was for her.
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235. And she started
kissing me everywhere,
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236. and I just handed everything
over to her. That's her power, man.
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237. Good God, Steven,
the whole stash?
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238. Look, I know I owe you
an apology, but can it wait?
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239. 'Cause Sam just sent me up here
to grab some whipped cream, so...
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240. Sorry.
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241. Okay, what were you
two talking about?
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242. Well, Kitty, I had a stash of gifts
down there for every occasion.
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243. That way, if I forgot to buy you
something, I'd still be covered.
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244. You buy my gifts in bulk?
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245. No, it's more of
a vast inventory of love.
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246. Well, you're about to get a vast
inventory of my foot in your ass!
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247. Yeah! I can do that too!
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248. Wow. So this was
for me all along?
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249. Yeah.
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250. For one day I wanted to transform
this crappy little record store
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251. into a crappy little bistro.
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252. Thanks.
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253. So, when I asked you out, why did
you pretend to have another date?
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254. Donna, I've wanted to
ask you out for a long time.
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255. And then you kind
of beat me to it
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256. and I'm kind of
a traditional guy.
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257. I like to make the first move.
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258. But if you wanted to make the
second move, well, you're in luck.
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259. I'm not wearing a bra.
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260. That's good to know.
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261. Hey! I just had
the best meal, man!
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262. Somebody left two whole
steak dinners in there!
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263. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm
off to the monster truck show.
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264. Would you just listen?
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265. Oh, Red, I'd love to
talk to you but I have to
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266. check the pressure in my tires.
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267. Hey, Red, Kitty told Sam
the presents weren't for her.
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268. Now I'm kind of in trouble.
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269. So I got us each a bouquet
of flowers for our ladies.
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270. Kitty, I got you roses!
See how it feels, dumb-ass?
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271. Jackie, come in. Please.
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272. I just wanna thank you
for yesterday.
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273. I feel we really bonded,
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274. as much as a star
can bond with a commoner.
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275. Well, I'm really
glad that we talked.
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276. You know, I got to see
there's a real person in there.
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277. Someone with hopes
and fears and emotions.
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278. Well, I'm only human.
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279. And you snuck a rare peek
behind my iron curtain, didn't you?
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280. I know. You know, I really
feel like I got to know you better.
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281. Yes, you did,
and so you're fired.
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282. Wait, what?
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283. I cannot have an employee
know so much about me.
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284. And since your TV career is
finished, may I suggest bartending?
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285. You pour a mean Scotch, lady.
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286. No, no, no, this isn't fair.
I worked my butt off for you.
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287. Thank you.
Out you go. Go on.
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288. Go on.
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289. Okay, all right, you know
what? Nobody here likes you.
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290. They only pretend to like you
because you're famous.
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291. And I pretend to like them
because they bring me lunch.
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292. Oh, God!
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293. You are a crazy, bitter lady with
a hole where your heart should be!
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294. Now, is that supposed to hurt
me? I have a mug that says that.
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295. Those shoes are so last season!
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296. Rot in hell,
you worthless maggot!
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297. Well, I guess that's it.
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298. Oh, I promised
myself I wouldn't cry.
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299. What do you know, I didn't.
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300. Okay, look, Christine
is obviously looking
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301. for a new assistant, so I
put in a good word for you.
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302. Really? Even though I was
so mean to you? Wow, thanks.
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303. Mmm-hmm.
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304. What's Up Wisconsin.
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305. I licked your phone!
I licked your phone!
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306. http://hiqve.com/
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