That '70s Show 7x22

Chris Elliott as Mr. Bray • Tim Reid as William Barnett • Megalyn Echikunwoke as Angie Barnett

Kelso considers what to do about his relationship with Angie, and comes to the conclusion that it's time to break up, but he's not sure how to do that. He seeks some advice from Jackie on the matter, but ultimately, the decision is taken out of his hands. Eric is shocked to discover that his college tuition fund is gone, and has to find another way to raise the money. His solution is one that Kitty, Red and Donna have differing opinions on.

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1. Hey, great news. I'm on my way to becoming a teacher.

2. I filled out all my college applications in red pen.

3. That's a little...

4. It's like a little teacher joke.

5. Well, now, look at him,

6. out of bed and doing something productive before noon.

7. Honey, you're like a Marine.

8. A Marine? The only time I ever saw him storm a beach

9. was when he was running away from a jellyfish.

10. Dad, all I need from you now is a financial statement,

11. so the school can see where I'm getting the old moolah.

12. Oh, well, bad news, I...

13. I spent your college money to keep the muffler shop going.

14. - What? - This is really weird.

15. Because my parents, instead of paying for my college,

16. bought me a muffler.

17. Dad, how am I supposed to pay for college?

18. Look, with this damn mild winter, nobody's muffler rusted.

19. I tried to rust them.

20. I went out at night and sprinkled salt all over the streets.

21. Not my good kosher salt?

22. Yes, Kitty, I sprinkled the streets of Point Place

23. with your half-pound bag of salt.

24. Wait, Mom, you knew about this? And you just said, "Please, go ahead.

25. "Take my son's college money and use it on a muffler shop"?

26. No.

27. I think your father asked me if I thought you would amount to anything,

28. and I said, "I really, really hope so."

29. And then he said, "I'm spending Eric's college money on my muffler shop."

30. And then I made the best blueberry cobbler I have ever made.

31. - Man, that was good. - Best cobbler ever.

32. Huh! I remember that cobbler.

33. I always wondered why, when I said it was so good,

34. you said, "At least I can give you this," and started to cry.

35. Well, look at the bright side.

36. There's always a place for you at a failing muffler shop.

37. So, the upshot is I have absolutely no money for college.

38. Eric, don't worry, there are plenty of ways to get money for school.

39. Yeah, man, you could always get a football scholarship.

40. Hey, look, he weighs about as much as a football,

41. and people do like to kick him.

42. I know what you should do.

43. You should go to Hollywood and become the next Gene Wilder.

44. That guy's a laugh riot.

45. Eric, you should go see Mr. Bray.

46. Finding money for college is what high school guidance counselors do.

47. Yeah, they also spend a lot of time staring at themselves in the mirror saying,

48. "I can't believe I'm a high school guidance counselor."

49. I don't know about Mr. Bray. I don't think he really liked me.

50. One time I told him I was being bullied, and he just said,

51. "What'd you expect?"

52. All right, I'll go with you. He'll help. He totally loved me,

53. in almost entirely appropriate ways.

54. Okay, I'm breaking up with Angie. All we have anymore is hot sex.

55. Hot sex? All I have is hot soup.

56. Can't make love to that.

57. Too damn hot.

58. So, Kelso, you gonna break up with her your usual way?

59. Send a note saying you got kidnapped by kung fu robots?

60. No, it won't work with her.

61. She doesn't even believe in kung fu robots.

62. - Just gonna have to talk to her. - Whoa.

63. Kelso, you never break up with a girl to her face.

64. You usually have me tell her you're dead.

65. And then when she eventually sees you, you have me tell her you're a ghost.

66. Michael, why don't you do what you did with me?

67. Toilet paper my house.

68. No, I can't do that to Angie.

69. I respect her too much 'cause she agreed to have sex with me so fast.

70. Look, I don't care how you do it.

71. I'm just happy you won't be violating my sister anymore.

72. Yeah, I know you hated it, Hyde.

73. I would have broken up with her sooner if I didn't find it so hilarious.

74. Dude, you be nice or I will marry her.

75. Hello, Wisconsin!

76. - I'm so glad you came by, Daddy. - Well, I missed you guys.

77. I'm not just your rich boss, I'm also your rich dad.

78. In fact, everyone related to me, grab some cash from the register.

79. I've already been in there once today, but you're the boss.

80. Okay, I can do this.

81. I'm just gonna tell Angie that things are fizzling between us

82. and we should end it.

83. - Hey, how's it going, sweets? - Not bad, toots.

84. Oh, him. Go, go.

85. Okay, we need to talk about something.

86. This might be kind of hard to take.

87. Fez still wets the bed.

88. - What? - Ew!

89. At least we're still together. I'll see you later.

90. I'm going to wet your bed.

91. Hey, Angie, can you recommend a record?

92. Something Dean Martin-y but not Dean Martin.

93. 'Cause I don't like that he didn't wave to me in Atlantic City.

94. Well, I don't know much about Dean Martin,

95. but I do know that the top-selling record this week is Blondie.

96. A broad, huh?

97. - She jazzy? - Well, I know she's blonde.

98. Here you go, Bob, try this Joey Bishop.

99. He swings like Dean, but he'll wave at anybody.

100. Good job knowing the number one album, honey.

101. I love watching you in action,

102. because the more you work, the less I have to.

103. Well, I'm just trying to get ready for the day you kick the bucket

104. and I get everything.

105. Just like her mother.

106. Oh, my God, I can't believe I have to tell my high school guidance counselor

107. that I spent an entire year doing nothing.

108. He's gonna think I'm such a loser.

109. Oh, Donna, let's tell him it's you.

110. No, you're a much more believable loser.

111. Oh, come on, he won't judge you. He loves you.

112. I mean, jeez, he asked you to prom.

113. Okay, let's see... Donna.

114. What a pleasant,

115. pleasant surprise.

116. Jeez, you've done something different with your hair since the prom.

117. Yeah, you noticed.

118. Well, I notice everything about all my students.

119. I, like, put on a little weight.

120. And you are?

121. Eric

122. Forman,

123. 1977's most improved mathlete.

124. Oh, right. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry, Eric.

125. I just figured the bullies had gotten you.

126. Anyway, Donna here is looking for some college scholarships.

127. Well, Donna, you've come to the right place

128. because I am an expert at college scholarships,

129. as well as the affairs of the heart.

130. Why don't you have just a little seat right here, young lady.

131. Thank you.

132. I guess I'll...

133. Great.

134. So, Donna, to figure out what scholarships you're eligible for,

135. I'll have to know what you've done for the last year.

136. Oh! Um...

137. Well, not a lot.

138. I read comic books,

139. - acted out movies with my dolls... - Action figures.

140. Okay, you always insist that they are called action figures.

141. You know, if Eric had told me he had wasted a whole year of his life,

142. I wouldn't be surprised. But you?

143. I know, I'm just as surprised as you are.

144. It has been a long, ugly fall, very hard to watch.

145. In fact, just between you and me,

146. she's even gotten into a little bit of the smoky, smoky.

147. All right.

148. Screw this.

149. The scholarship is for him. Eric, good luck.

150. Mr. Bray, my coming here was not an invitation

151. to start driving by my house again.

152. Hey, my mother lives right next door.

153. I live right next door.

154. Oh, well.

155. How's Mother?

156. Oh, my God, you guys, I just got a promotion.

157. Daddy says I've been doing such a great job

158. that he wants me to move to Milwaukee and help run the corporate office.

159. Wait, what about Steven? He's the one doing the great job.

160. You just sit around doing your nails and making smart-ass comments.

161. Jackie, that's you.

162. Yeah, well, it's annoying now, isn't it?

163. How'd you get a promotion? You don't know anything about music.

164. Last week a guy came in asking for KISS,

165. you called him "pervert" and slapped him in the face.

166. Well, did your dad say anything about Steven?

167. I don't know, I just heard the word "promotion,"

168. and I got a little dizzy and sort of blacked out.

169. It was awesome.

170. Well, here's the America I know,

171. the person who can't do anything rises to the top,

172. while the guy who's working his ass off gets nothing.

173. Are you supposed to be the guy that works his ass off?

174. Don't make this more complicated than it has to be.

175. Jackie, listen,

176. I need some advice on breaking up with girls, okay?

177. And you've been broken up with a lot, and several times by me.

178. So what didn't you like?

179. Oh. Uh...

180. The lying, the cheating, the sneaking around.

181. Oh, and I also didn't like Fez trying to make out with me five minutes later.

182. Well, then you're really not gonna like this.

183. Look, I don't know how to break up with Angie.

184. Well, why don't you try to figure out how to do it kindly,

185. maturely, respectfully.

186. Yeah, that sounds nice.

187. I think I'm just gonna sleep with her best friend.

188. Okay, I actually got some great news from the guidance counselor.

189. There's this program where you go and teach in an impoverished area for a year,

190. and then they pay for your college.

191. I signed up.

192. - Eric, that's perfect. - That's wonderful.

193. See, I knew spending your college money would work out for the best.

194. You're welcome.

195. So, what impoverished area will you go to?

196. Is it East Milwaukee?

197. I made a wrong turn there once and I ended up in an awful neighborhood.

198. There were kids playing radios on a street corner.

199. No. I'm not going to Milwaukee.

200. - So, where then? - Africa.

201. Africa, Wisconsin?

202. You're going to teach in Africa?

203. What are you gonna teach them? How to get eaten by an ostrich?

204. Mom, an ostrich?

205. I saw a documentary.

206. They are vicious, cruel creatures.

207. Well, I think it's great he's going to Africa. It'll make him a man.

208. You think the only way to become a man is to die.

209. How are you gonna feel when your son gets killed by a lion

210. or a disease-carrying fly?

211. You get killed by a fly, I'm not buying you a headstone.

212. You can't go to Africa.

213. They don't even have ketchup there.

214. You put ketchup on everything.

215. You'll starve to death.

216. Can you believe how much she's freaking out?

217. No, I cannot believe that someone you supposedly love is upset

218. that you decided to go to Africa without considering her feelings at all.

219. See? Donna understands.

220. So, there's a problem with my sleeping-with-Angie's-best-friend plan.

221. Angie's best friend is Hyde.

222. You know what we may have to do here?

223. The dark room switch.

224. You will make love to her in a dark room, halfway through you will excuse yourself.

225. Then I'll come in, pretend to be you, and finish the job.

226. - How does that fix my problem? - I was working on my problem.

227. You guys, Donna's totally freaking out about this Africa thing.

228. She won't return any of my calls.

229. I think I have a solution.

230. The dark room switch.

231. Look, man, tell Donna to just lay off, okay?

232. Africa is gonna be awesome.

233. You know, they have this bug over there that burrows into your brain,

234. and it lays, like, a thousand eggs.

235. And then, when the eggs hatch,

236. they, like, shoot out of your head like little worm bullets.

237. Kelso, those worms aren't in Africa.

238. They're on the planet Zorgon,

239. which is from a comic book that you wrote.

240. Just trying to generate a little buzz.

241. WB, what the hell were you thinking?

242. I don't know, I thought I'd try a new thing with my shoulders.

243. Look, he means, why did you promote that whore, Angie?

244. - You mean my daughter Angie? - I stand by my statement.

245. You can't hit a girl.

246. Look, if this is about me not being professional,

247. I've already told you, bottle rocket Friday nights are over.

248. Steven, I'm moving Angie to Milwaukee to get her away from the customers.

249. I love my little girl, but you're the one who should be running that store.

250. So, it's yours.

251. Whoa.

252. - Thanks, man. - Oh, my God, I own a record store!

253. No, I own a record store.

254. Actually, I own a record store.

255. I own one-third of a record store.

256. Moving Angie here is gonna work out for everybody.

257. See, I just got into this real snooty country club,

258. and they don't think I'm gonna be there much.

259. But I'm gonna be there all day, every day, and I'm bringing friends.

260. So I need somebody around here looking after things,

261. while I'm out making white people uncomfortable.

262. Hello? Oh, hi.

263. How are you?

264. I'm Eric's guidance counselor. I just came over with some papers for him.

265. You look familiar. Do you live around here?

266. 'Cause I see you drive up and down the street all the time.

267. Yeah, well, I see you emptying your trash in your bathrobe all the time,

268. but I keep it to myself, okay?

269. Eric, I brought you a brochure with some survival tips on Africa.

270. Funny, they don't have brochures with survival tips on Wisconsin.

271. That's because death isn't hiding behind every bush.

272. - Mom, please. - I'm sorry if Eric's trip has upset anyone.

273. - It's upset everyone. - I'm not upset, I'm tickled pink.

274. What about Donna? How's Donna doing?

275. I don't know. She's not even talking to me.

276. Yeah, well, you know, sometimes I think

277. she just kind of lets her fiery emotions get the best of her.

278. But I think maybe a gentle word from me might just calm her down,

279. or send her into the arms of someone else.

280. No, you know what? You're not gonna talk to her.

281. I'm gonna go talk to her.

282. So, you guys have a daughter?

283. Angie.

284. I've been thinking about this all day, and I finally worked up the nerve,

285. and I think we need to talk about us.

286. Michael, I'm breaking up with you.

287. How dare you?

288. I'm moving to Milwaukee.

289. Well, when were you gonna tell me, you know, your boyfriend?

290. Come on, you know things were sort of fizzling anyways.

291. Fizzling? How can you even say that?

292. What about all the times you said that I was really, really good-looking?

293. Michael, it's over, but know this,

294. when I said you were good-looking, I really meant it.

295. You know what? You got a lot of growing up to do.

296. - Hey. - Don't you "hey" me.

297. My daughter stayed home from college for you.

298. She could've had a bright future.

299. Sure, she wouldn't be president of a company or anything

300. 'cause she's a gal.

301. But she would have been one hell of a secretary.

302. Okay, look, Donna, I know you're upset...

303. Eric, if you wanna break up with me, just go ahead and do it.

304. What? No. Donna, I'm not breaking up with you.

305. Really? Well, did you consider me at all before you decided to run away to Africa?

306. Okay, look, Donna,

307. the reason I'm doing this is for us.

308. Okay, so I can go to college, and get a job, you know.

309. So I can deserve you.

310. Don't give me that crap, you're doing it for you.

311. Donna, when my dad got sick and I had to stay at home,

312. I thought I'd missed my only chance.

313. But this is it. This is my second chance.

314. And you're always saying how I gotta get out of this town,

315. how I gotta start my life.

316. God, I thought if anyone was gonna support me in this, it was gonna be you.

317. So, good. Go start it.

318. Look, I really just don't wanna fight about this.

319. What do you wanna do?

320. Movie?

321. And then what?

322. I vote the thing we usually do after a movie.

323. What's the point of that?

324. Well, I don't know. I think that's really its own reward.

325. I think you need to leave.

326. - Donna, I'm not gonna... - She said get out.

327. I know 'cause I was listening the whole time.

328. Okay, fine.

329. You still got me, cupcake.

330. Thanks, Dad.

331. If it makes you feel any better, he's gonna be sorry.

332. I read some place that in Africa they got a bug that burrows in your brain

333. and shoots out your eyes like worm bullets.

334. Okay, Angie, Kelso feels that you two should have one last night together.

335. And he wants it to be special, so it will take place in this dark room,

336. and for a minute you may think, "Hey, this is not Kelso."

337. But that's just the liquor talking.

338. I forgot to mention you will need to drink a lot of liquor.

339. You going to get the liquor now?

340. Okay, I'll wait.

341. http://hiqve.com/