That '70s Show 6x5

Shannon Elizabeth as Brooke • Dan Castellaneta as Agent Armstrong • Christina Moore as Laurie Forman

A representative from INS is coming to find out if Fez's marriage to Laurie is for real. To avoid deportation, Fez must stay with the Formans and get on Red's good side. Donna encourages Kelso to take responsibility for his actions by talking to Brooke about the baby. But for some reason Brooke decides to let him off the hook.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Laverne is so annoying,

2. why does Shirley keep putting up with her crap?

3. Well, she has to there in love

4. Again, Kelso, Laverne and Shirley are not Lesbians

5. trust me, there one bottle of wine away from making out...

6. just like you two!

7. Kelso, don't you have something more important to talk about right now?

8. If you got a topic more important than girl on girl action I'd like to hear it

9. How about the fact that Brooke's got your feeble-minded bun in her oven

10. Look, she can't be pregnant, okay? It just can't be true

11. Michael, this is not something girls lie about, okay?

12. I would know, I'm an expert on girl lies

13. Kelso, you're gonna have to do something about this

14. No, but doing something is not in my nature

15. “Ignore,"Avoid“, “Run away”, these words have been very good to me

16. - You're horrible - What a pig

17. You know what? You girls don't even know what I'm going through,

18. you can have all the sex you want and you don't have to worry about gettin'Anyone pregnant

19. Laurie, try these banana walnut pancakes

20. I know you've always had a thing for nuts

21. Every man in town knows that

22. What men? Oh, never mind!

23. You guys

24. an agent from immigration is coming to check on Fez and Laurie's marriage and if he finds out it's fake Fez could deported

25. - But this marriage is based on love, right, honey? - don't touch me

26. Fine, I'll give you 20 bucks to pretend to be my wife

27. That's gotta sound familiar

28. Steven, If you keep doing that, its gonna be really hard for me to pretend I don't know what you're talking about

29. Then I should go because its just to easy...

30. Like Laurie.

31. When is this I.N.S man gonna be here?

32. Uh, sometime this week, it's a surprise visit... So I have to stay here

33. Stay here?

34. With, Red? Oh, no, I can't allow that

35. Why not? Red loves me

36. Honey, you gave him a heart attack

37. Maybe he just loves Fez so much... That his heart exploded?

38. Please, Miss Kitty. Let me stay

39. Mom, come on

40. - Okay, you win - Oh, thank you!

41. Uh, that was a sexy hug you really put some boom-boom into it, huh?

42. "Row, row, row, your boat"

43. "Gently down the stream"

44. "Soapy, soapy, scrubby, scrubby"

45. "Fez is nice and clean"

46. What the hell!

47. I don't know what you heard, but this show ain't free!

48. What is this doing here?

49. Okay, Red he just has to stay here for a few days

50. But Kitty, he was in my shower,

51. he saw my legs

52. - And he saw Pepé - Shut up

53. Listen, Dad, the I.N.S is coming and if they found out this marriage is fake, Fez could get deported

54. Well, that's Anwar's problem

55. Oh, but I cannot go back home, I'm an American now

56. I'm lazy, fat and soft...

57. like you!

58. Look, you deserve what you get! You tricked Laurie into this mess of a marriage

59. she's innocent and... Naive.

60. The only reason she got caught up in this is because she loves too much

61. Well that last parts true

62. Shoot! It's Brooke, hide me

63. Hey!

64. I'm sorry, Donna, squeezing your butt gives me courage

65. So Michael? You split pretty quick the other day... Maybe we should talk or something?

66. You got it... One sec

67. Kelso!

68. Aah! Donna, Let go of my leg! I swear I got no problem kickin' a girl

69. Look, you've done a lot of stupid crap over the years

70. You stolemy panties, you tied my hamster to a bottle rocket

71. And I don't know how many times I've caught you peeking through my window

72. Five

73. Look, the point is, I let it all slide because underneath I knew you were a good guy,

74. but if you bail on Brooke, I will never respect you again and neither will anybody else

75. Look, I know, ok? I know. I just...

76. I don't know what to do

77. Well, Kelso, you need to go talk to her

78. Ok

79. “Touch Donna Pinciottie's Panties for 5 bucks” Call, Michael Kelso

80. And that was the first time I ever tasted chocolate

81. That's a great story, man but,

82. uh, it's like 2 in the morning so we gotta go to sleep

83. But I forgot my tape of my ocean sounds

84. and I cannot fall asleep without it

85. Can you make ocean sounds for me?

86. Yeah, I'm not doing that

87. Okay, then let me tell you about the first time I ate a blow pop

88. Lick number one: What a surprise!

89. You are forgetting the whale songs?

90. Listen, man, I've only been to the ocean once

91. and the closest thing I saw to a whale was some fat guy selling drugs

92. Fine, lick number two still no gum?

93. What the hell are you doing to yourself?

94. Oh, great, Dad, you know what? You woke him up, you put him back to sleep!

95. Hey!

96. Uh... It's been pointed out to me that I've been acting a little flaky about, um...

97. our situation

98. I disagree,

99. flaky means you're not consistent, you run away every time you see me

100. Anyway, I think we should talk about what we're gonna do

101. or I'm sure you're gonna want me to meet your parents aaaand lucky for you I look good in a suit

102. aaaand lucky for you I look good in a suit, But you already know that, so

103. Actually, don't worry about it!

104. as far as the baby and I are concerned you're off the hook

105. So you're just letting me go?

106. Yep, you don't have to think about this ever again

107. And I wont!

108. WOW! You're like the coolest girl I ever did it with at a concert!

109. Oh, honey, you look terrible

110. Oh, you don't look so hot yourself, sister

111. I beg your pardon

112. Red made me sleep in the basement and every time I started to fall asleep Hyde would put a Popsicle on my neck

113. That's my daddy's chair

114. "That's my daddy's chair"

115. Fez, look, man you gotta start kissing Red's butt a little or

116. he's gonna make sure you get deported

117. He should be kissing my butt for taking his trashy daughter off his hands

118. I'm not that trashy, I wont sleep with you

119. Oh, zip it, jezebel

120. Out of my chair, Tonto

121. Oh, come on a chair is a chair, branch out a little try the piano bench

122. What did you say?

123. - Laurie, go get a cup of milk - Why?

124. It'll keep Fez's teeth alive until we get him to the dentist

125. Hi, sir, Hal Armstrong from the immigration service, I'm here to conduct some interviews

126. What do you want to know, 'cause I'll tell you everything

127. Is it-Is it to late to give you back your chair

128. Oh, no don't get up this could be the last time you sit on furniture that you didn't build out of mud and twigs

129. So, Agent Armstrong can't wait to tell you all about this marriage, you got handcuffs, right?

130. Red, Red, why don't you help me in the kitchen, Laurie make our guest comfortable

131. Hey, G-man

132. Okay, Red, just because he sat in your chair is no reason to get the boy deported

133. You don't like me because I'm not from here

134. This has nothing to do with you being a foreigner.

135. It's about you taking advantage of my daughter like a sneaky foreigner

136. Oh, wait, dad, look, I stayed home from college to take care of you and mom in your hour of need,

137. okay you owe me!

138. That is just like a woman to bring that up

139. You know, Laurie could get in a lot of trouble, too

140. - What kinda trouble? - Big trouble, dad, she could go to jail...

141. or back to jail!

142. Well, come on, Its like where has she been for the past two years

143. All right, fine, I wont volunteer anything but if he asks me a direct question I'm not lying

144. - Oh, you wont have to. I'll do all the talking for you - Well, you'll be good at that!

145. And I guess it might be fun to just sit back and watch Tarzan here crumble before the full force of the U.S Government

146. Okay, that's it. Anwar I can deal with. Tonto, in the ballpark, but Tarzan... Tarzan is a white guy

147. Don't sass me, Tarzan!

148. Michael, there is no way Brooke said you're off the hook,

149. Okay, I bet she said “I'm gonna take every penny you have you irresponsible bastard” because that's what I would say

150. No, she definitely said “Off the hook”

151. Man I am one tall, cute, lucky kid!

152. So that's it, man? Its like this thing with You and Brooke never happened

153. Yeah... well no, I mean, there's still gonna be a baby out there but...

154. my life's back to normal

155. sort a

156. I mean, it's kinda weird but I'm not gonna think about it 'cause I don't need to

157. you know I should be happy right now. You know, I am happy, right now!

158. Yeah, I think

159. Yeah, think, feel, look deep inside like deep, deep inside almost to China

160. There's a good guy in there

161. You know what? Don't lecture me, okay?

162. I went to her and I tried to talk to her and she said it was cool which is awesome

163. because this could, like, screw up my whole life!

164. Yeah, man, you know you gotta stay focused if you're gonna invent those quadruple Oreo's

165. Those are a secret, man

166. No yeah, this is good. Why put yourself out for some kid, children grow up without dads all the time

167. - Right - Yeah, like Steven

168. Well, I don't want him ending up like Hyde

169. hair all frizzed out with angry thoughts

170. And violent, too

171. Kelso, you know what you should do? But you're not gonna do it because you're too much of a tool

172. You know what? It's real easy to talk about the right thing to do when it's not your life

173. Tool

174. Oh, Steven, you're sensitive to this because your father ditched you, too

175. That is so foxy

176. Hey, why don't we go down to my room, tell you about the time my mom got so loaded on mouthwash,

177. she lost our rent money at the track

178. Okay, you two claim to be married and living here

179. to verify this I'm going to separate you all and ask you a series of questions about the couple.

180. - Let me remind you you're all under oath - under oath?

181. I mean...

182. under Oath, bravo!

183. Okay, first question, What kind of toothpaste does Fez use?

184. Um, I brush my teeth with Colgate it is the only thing that cuts through the, um, milk duds

185. - Who the hell cares about toothpaste? This kid and my daughter are... - Happy, happy, happy!

186. I... wait, w-why am I under oath?

187. cause if I say crest and the answer is minty crest I Mean, that's,

188. like, uh, perjury, was-what's gonna happen to me?

189. wha-Oh, my god why are you writing this down?

190. How long did Fez and Laurie date before they got married?

191. Who needs to date? I had her in the sack faster than you can say “Corn on The cob”..

192. Speaking of dates, I made an incredible date nut bread

193. The secret is to oak the dates in some good, strong rum, which reminds me, who needs a drink? I know I do.

194. I don't know how long they dated, I-oh, my God, I'm going to prison aren't I?

195. I'm gonna get shanked

196. What is Fez's favorite TV show?

197. Uh, well, it depends. Basically I just flip until I see nipples

198. Sometimes I feel like a loaf of bread,

199. everyone keeps taking a slice of me until all that's left are two crusty pieces that nobody wants

200. and I just want to scream “Appreciate me, Damn it” but I don't, why?

201. Because my mother always told me that nice girls shouldn't make a fuss and now I am a flippin' doormat

202. Okay look, man. Prison is not an option for me, okay?

203. I can't pee in front of other people

204. Well... Despite a few interesting answers and one recipe

205. My judgment is that your marriage...

206. is legitimate. Congratulations!

207. All right, Pepé and I are Americans

208. No wonder this country is going in the toilet

209. What was that, sir?

210. Nothing, nothing he said he has to use the toilet, that's why he's been so quiet

211. If you're trying to protect your daughter, don't worry... We never go after the bride

212. especially such a pretty one

213. If there was a crime committed, we'd only be interested in this one,

214. so if there's something you want to say, by all means, say it

215. Fine, I will

216. I just wanted to say...

217. these two kids are married and...

218. very much in love

219. In fact, I've never seen a love like this

220. Thank you, Mr. Red. It means a lot

221. Hey, what about thanking me

222. his guy tried to break me

223. but lucky for you double-O Forman is rock solid

224. Wow, you really are pregnant

225. They make them really tiny now... quarter pound, my ass

226. Hey!

227. I need to talk to you

228. Kelso, that's great! Here take my seat sit down

229. I'll just be right over there

230. Good for you!

231. All right... At first when you told me I was off the hook. I was, like, totally psyched, right?

232. But then I started to think about it and...

233. - I don't wanna be off the hook, I wanna be a part of this kids life - Michael, I didn't let you off the hook to be nice.

234. I just don't think you understand what I means to have a baby

235. No but I do... I means,

236. taking him to teeball games, and teaching him how to ride a bike and taking him to the doctor when he's sick

237. And what if it's a girl?

238. Uh, it's not gonna be a girl we did it standing up!

239. Uh-huh

240. Okay, maybe this will change your mind

241. I went and got some stuff today, this...

242. little sweater, to keep him warm

243. and... this little hat, to keep the sun off of his face

244. I got some pop rocks 'cause I always wanted to see a baby eat popRocks

245. Michael, If you get involved, I'm just gonna have two babies to take care of instead of one

246. Look, you can try to get rid of me but I'm not walkin' away from this

247. I'm sorry, I just don't want you to be the father of my child

248. This is all your fault, yeah!

249. - “ Go talk to her an-and-and do the right thing” - Kelso, I'm so sorry,

250. I wish there was something I could do

251. Well, there isn't

252. Okay fine...

253. I'll give you ten seconds to squeeze my ass as long as you want

254. I never thought I'd say this...

255. but there's some things that a girls ass can't fix

256. Well, Fez, congratulations on your green card, but remember this is America

257. and you still look foreign so don't expect to be treated equally

258. Well, I'm going to become America's sexiest singing cowboy

259. Howdy ladies, meet Pepé!

260. You know, what's going on with Brooke really hurts but I think in a couple days when I start to heel,

261. I'm gonna be really psyched that Donna let me squeeze her ass. I mean, even now I'm reflecting upon on how soft it was

262. So, what kind of chance do you think I have with the blonde?