1. - Hey, guys.
- Mitch!
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2. I thought I heard
a matchbox car pull up.
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3. Yeah, I'm short, and you're shaped like
a lollipop. I'm not in the mood, Forman.
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4. My brother Jack's wedding is tomorrow,
and I don't have a date.
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5. Oh, did you try Aly Richards?
She'll go anywhere there's cake.
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6. That's how I got her
into my car.
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7. But then I ate the cake,
and she left.
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8. Oh, I'm in a real bind here.
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9. I showed up at the engagement party alone.
My family made so much fun of me.
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10. So I said to myself,
'cause, of course, I was alone,
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11. that I would bring someone sizzling hot
with me to the wedding.
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12. Hey, Donna,
would you be my date?
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13. Mitch, I don't know
what to say.
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14. Oh, let me help you out.
"NO!"
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15. Donna, if you went with me, I might finally
earn some respect from my family.
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16. Let me say this for you
one more time in Spanish.
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17. NO!
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18. I taught him that.
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19. Eric,
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20. it seems harmless.
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21. No, Donna, I'm sorry, but
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22. I forbid it.
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23. Oh.
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24. Mitch, I'd love to go.
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25. - Donna, what the hell?
- No,
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26. I forbid you to ask me
questions about this.
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27. - But, Donna...
- Let me tell you one more time in Spanish...
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28. oh, hey, Donna, thanks so much
for doing this.
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29. Sure, but, you know, just friends.
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30. You don't get to touch
any of this juicy stuff.
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31. No, don't worry. I'll even ask another
couple to be, like, chaperones.
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32. Hey, Jackie,
do you and Hyde want to go?
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33. Oh, I'm in.
But I can't ask Steven.
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34. I'm still on probation for tricking him
into a ballroom dancing class.
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35. I'll go with you, Jackie, but I warn you...
don't drink too much.
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36. I will take advantage.
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37. Wow.
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38. I can't believe you finally sprung for
cable TV. Wasn't it you who said,
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39. "I'd rather kiss Ho Chi Minh
than pay for TV"?
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40. Well, your mother and I are running out
of things to talk about, so
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41. I thought the extra 20 channels
might help fill in the gaps.
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42. Cable guy left? He forgot to hook up
the basement.
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43. No, he didn't so much forget as follow my
"don't hook up the basement" instructions.
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44. But, Red, for an extra 2 bucks a month,
your wife and children could be enjoying
full-frontal nudity.
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45. But I don't want you
to enjoy anything.
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46. I want people your age
out of my house.
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47. Hey, I'm only here
'cause you had a heart attack.
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48. I only had a heart attack
because you're here.
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49. I'm sorry, Michael, but I'm gonna
have to search that bag.
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50. Every time you leave my house with a
backpack, I have to buy new hair spray.
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51. I didn't take anything.
This is lunch.
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52. I planned a whole romantic day
for me and Brooke.
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53. So where are you
and Brooke headed?
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54. Well, since she's having a baby, I thought
I'd take her to a place that kids and girls like,
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55. so I figured I'd start the date off
at an amusement park
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56. and we'd go on a ride
on the "lightning whip".
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57. I'm gonna take her horseback riding up to
this overlook, and then we're gonna get cozy
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58. and drink a little Bingo-Bango.
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59. Oh, sweetie, you're so wrong,
it makes me want to cry a little.
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60. Pregnant women can't go on roller coasters,
and they definitely can't drink alcohol,
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61. or bad things can happen to the baby.
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62. Case in point.. Eric.
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63. Well, we didn't know
any better back then.
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64. I'm teaching a baby-care class at the hospital.
If you brought Brooke, I think she'd be very impressed.
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65. All right. Yeah, sign us up.
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66. You know, there was a time that all I had to do
to impress a girl was turn my eyelids inside out.
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67. This baby's changing
everything. Oh.
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68. Thanks again for doing this, Donna.
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69. Grandpa saw me walk in with you,
and he slipped me a 20.
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70. Here, you should have this.
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71. See, that kind of makes me a hooker.
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72. Well, hello.
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73. Looks like we're sharing
a table here.
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74. Here's your drink, here's your bread,
and here's your new lover.
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75. You wish.
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76. I'm sitting next to a goddess.
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77. I know. Didn't my hair
come out great tonight?
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78. Not you, shorty. Her.
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79. I need your help.
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80. Oh, this is so easy, Fez.
She's like me.
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81. She's a country club girl,
and we're bitches.
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82. We only understand one thing.. money.
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83. - How much should I give her?
- No.
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84. Fez, act rich.
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85. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
My name is Eric.
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86. Eric, what are you doing here?
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87. I changed my work schedule
so I could make sure that Mitch keeps
his tiny little doll hands to himself.
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88. Eric, Mitch is not a threat to you.
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89. Okay, he's a perfectly harmless guy
who happens to worship the ground I walk on.
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90. You know, it's not his fault
that I'm eye candy.
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91. Well, relax. Don't worry.
Everything will be fine.
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92. Welcome to the holiday hotel ballroom.
I'll be your waiter this evening,
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93. but unlike a normal waiter,
I despise and may try to destroy you.
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94. Waiter,
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95. I'm rich.
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96. And as a rich man,
I have much more money than you.
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97. Fez, I'm really not in the mood.
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98. Sometimes I'm not in the mood to
count all my money, but I do it
anyway because I am a fat cat.
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99. Yeah, well, your bow tie is starting
to unclip, fat cat.
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100. Unbelievable. They come to this country.
We give them a job...
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101. they're just so ungrateful.
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102. I'm Christy. And you are?
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103. Ferrari.
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104. Fez Ferrari.
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105. hahaha.. oh, this charity car wash
was a great idea, girls.
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106. Let's take our shirts off!
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107. Who changed my channel?
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108. What the...
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109. Steven!
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110. What the hell's
the matter with you?
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111. Stealing my cable!
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112. Red, before you blow your stack,
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113. why don't you take a look at that
car wash girl?
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114. She is so sudsy.
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115. You drilled a hole in my floor.
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116. My foot is about to drill
a hole in your ass!
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117. But, Red, the car wash girls
have to make $500
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118. or their super-freaky love nest
is gonna be turned into a bookstore.
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119. Look, there's only one clicker,
and that's upstairs.
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120. My cable, my channel.
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121. stop spraying me, silly, or I'm gonna have
to come over there and kiss you.
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122. Tasha, you want a kiss, too?
Wow, Tasha, you have the biggest..
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123. thunderstorms, which will result
in a small-craft advisory on lake superior.
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124. No, no!
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125. Man, look at all these preggos.
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126. God, that one's walking
like a gigantic duck.
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127. She's definitely in her third trimester.
The baby probably dropped.
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128. Nah, I think it's still in there.
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129. It means the baby's gotten itself
into the birthing position.
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130. Oh. Man, you really know stuff.
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131. Well, I've read every
baby book in the library.
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132. By the way, did you ever read
that book I gave you by Dr. Spock?
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133. No, I kind a lost interest when I realized
it wasn't about "Star Trek."
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134. Well, you signed us up for this class,
and that was very thoughtful.
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135. Well, that's me.
I'm Mr. Thoughtful.
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136. Man, how many kids
are you having?
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137. Oh, hi, Michael. Hope you're ready
to talk boo-boos, burps and binkies.
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138. Yeah, uh, Brooke, this is Mrs. Forman,
the lady that told me I shouldn't
take you horseback riding.
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139. And, Mrs. Forman, this is Brooke,
the hot librarian I impregnated.
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140. Well, I am so happy
you two are here.
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141. And you should be happy, because you have
me as your tour guide as
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142. you make the transition
to parenthood.
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143. Michael.
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144. But that could have been anybody.
Everybody knows I rule.
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145. Okay, all right, okay.
Let's get started.
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146. Now, when you first bring your little
bundles of joy home, they will spend almost
20 hours a day sleeping and pooping.
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147. Man, that's the life, huh?
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148. Now who can tell me what they will do
with the rest of their cute, little time?
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149. - Ooh. Yes, Brooke.
- They'll be eating.
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150. Very good.
And what will they be eating?
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151. Hey, when you're not looking, I'm
gonna sneak the little guy some popcorn.
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152. Michael, babies can't eat popcorn.
They don't even have teeth.
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153. My grandma bessie doesn't have
any teeth, and trust me, she ain't
shy around a bucket of popcorn.
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154. Well, Christy says money's great, but she
wants to get to know the real me. And,
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155. And, um, I really care about her.
So what's another fake, good quality
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156. I could pretend to have
to trick her into the sack?
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157. Okay, um, okay, well, she's wearing fur,
which means she must love animals,
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158. which means she must
like sensitive guys.
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159. Sensitive, huh?
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160. Mm-hmm. Oh, you're good.
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161. Hey, cutie. Where you been?
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162. Who the hell do you think you are,
talking to me like that? I'm sensitive.
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163. I..I guess it's a tradition for
the best man to say a few words.
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164. And all I really want to say
is that my brother
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165. is not the only one fortunate enough
to find himself in love's warm embrace.
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166. So, everybody, I'd like to introduce you
to Donna.. my new fianc�e.
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167. Or as I like to call her, my big,
red love machine. That's her.
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168. Mitch, what the hell are you doing?
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169. Ooh, look at that fireball go.
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170. Feisty at the table,
feisty in the bedroom.
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171. No. No. She's feisty in my bedroom,
people. My bedroom.
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172. Okay, he's just some lying, crazy lunatic.
He's crazy. This guy's crazy.
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173. And, uh,
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174. my congratulations to
the happy couple.
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175. This is the best wedding
I have ever been to.
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176. barometric pressure
from a cold front out of Canada.
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177. Look at all that hail in Buffalo.
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178. How can you watch this?
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179. It comforts me to know that there are
people out there more miserable than me,
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180. like those people in Buffalo...
and you.
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181. You have to sit here?
Why don't you go read a book?
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182. Why don't you go read a book?
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183. Because... I have cable.
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184. Very nice.
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185. Baby says, "it's tight, but not too tight, and
I wuv the way you powdered my wittle bottom."
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186. I never thought I'd say this,
but you gotta take it easy on the 'nads.
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187. I know what I'm doing. It's just,
it sounded so much easier in the books.
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188. Okay, there.
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189. Ooh, let's have a look. Uh-oh.
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190. Baby says, "that's too loose.
Now I'm gonna wee-wee on daddy."
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191. I just have to redo the safety pin.
God, why can't I do this?
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192. Oh, no. Baby says, "ouch, you poked me.
Now I'm gonna cry. Wah! Wah!"
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193. That's it. I give up.
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194. "Oh, mommy, don't leave me. I don't want
to end up in state-run foster care. Wah! Wah!"
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195. You know, you seem normal around your family,
but out in the world, you're a little nuts.
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196. So it turns out
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197. I was right about Mitch.
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198. So let's see, that's you, wrong.
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199. Me,
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200. right.
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201. All right, you don't have to rub it in.
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202. Uh, I think I do, Donna...
So rub-a-dub-dub, I'm right.
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203. I am humiliated!
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204. The only way I'm gonna get my pride
back is to kick your ass!
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205. So I'm challenging you to a fight.
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206. That is, unless you're too chicken.
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207. What is this, third grade?
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208. Okay, here's what I just heard.
ba-gawk, ooh, third grade, ooh.
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209. Okay, you can stop doing that.
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210. - Bawk, I can stop doing that, bawk.
- Okay, fine. You know what? I'll fight you. Fine.
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211. Good. Tomorrow! 5:15, the playground.
You be there!
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212. Um, why not just do it at 5?
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213. I have swimming lessons!
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214. thank you so much for helping me
with Christy.
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215. She was telling me what she did
last summer at camp,
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216. and I think she might be a whore.
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217. - So if there's anything I can do for you..
- Actually, Fez, there is.
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218. When the bride tosses the bouquet,
I really want to catch it.
It's such a sweet and magical moment,
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219. so I need you to knock
some of those fat sluts out of my way.
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220. I will make those weebles wobble.
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221. And they will fall down.
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222. Fez Ferrari,
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223. you're so rich and sensitive,
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224. I think I might go
all the way with you.
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225. But only if you get everyone out of
my way so I can catch the bouquet.
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226. How many bouquets do they throw?
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227. One.
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228. Aye.
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229. Let's see, who do I help?
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230. Old friend, new whore?
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231. Old friend, new whore?
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232. Oh, what am I saying?
Do the right thing, Fez.
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233. Okay, I don't know who gave you a tattoo,
but that is not good parenting.
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234. Look, Michael, I don't
want to talk about it.
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235. I thought I was ready, but today
I found out I don't know how to use a diaper.
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236. We are gonna be covered in poo.
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237. Look, I think you're underestimating us,
all right? Especially me. These beautiful
hands aren't just made for foreplay.
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238. Check it out.
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239. I remember the first time I baby sat
for my little brother
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240. and he power-dooked
all over himself, right?
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241. So I got my mom's salad tongs
and pulled off his pants,
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242. and then I grabbed him by the ankles
and took him outside and hosed him off.
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243. And voil�.
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244. Oh, Michael, it's so perfect.
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245. See, you got the brains and the maternal
instincts, and I know how to wrap ass.
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246. We're gonna do this together,
and we're gonna be fine.
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247. "Ooh, daddy, that's just how I like it."
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248. You're really starting to creep me out.
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249. winds variable out of the northeast,
20 miles an hour with gusts to 45.
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250. oh, weather kicks ass.
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251. Forman,
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252. I'm your bud, so I'm rooting
for you in this fight. But
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253. business is business,
so I got 50 bucks on the little guy.
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254. Well, I see the chicken
showed up for his beating.
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255. How can I be a chicken
if I showed up for the fight?
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256. You know, it's funny, 'cause what I just
heard was... chicken... bawk! Fight... bawk!
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257. Eric, as someone that has been...
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258. punched a lot,
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259. I have some advice. Do not move to a new
country and try to fit in at high school.
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260. Hey, Forman, come back here
so we can go over the rules.
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261. Okay, Eric, one last thing.
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262. You know when we're play-fighting
and you grab my wrist and I go,
"ow! Ow! Ow!"? That doesn't really hurt.
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263. Okay? So.. . don't do that.
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264. What? The Forman death grip?
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265. Man, I was really counting on that.
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266. What are you doing here?
I don't want to fight you.
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267. I was just trying to act tough
so I can get my self-respect back.
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268. By threatening me?
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269. It's okay. It's okay. I've got a way out of this
that'll make us both look good.
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270. We'll tell everyone that
we worked it out like gentlemen,
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271. and now we're the best of friends.
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272. Well, no. Mitch, look,
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273. Donna was really nice to you,
and you humiliated her.
I can't let you treat people like that.
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274. Today I'm...
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275. I'm standing up for all humanity.
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276. Would you do it for a 1968 G.I. Joe desert
rat edition with the original mess kit?
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277. Please. I have three of those.
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278. - The French version?
- G.I. Jacques.
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279. It does exist.
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280. We got a deal?
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281. Well, I'm afraid there's not
gonna be a fight here. Uh,
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282. guys, we worked out
our differences, and
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283. basically, he's a really great guy.
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284. - He's doing the chicken thing behind me.
- Yeah.
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285. He's really good at it.
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286. That's not the only thing
I'm good at, cherry pie.
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287. All right, that's it. You're dead.
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288. Ooh! ooh! ohh!
Start the car, Mom! Start the car!
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289. temperatures in the..
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290. ooh, Mr. Handyman.
I'm so glad you're here.
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291. There's so many things
I need you to nail.
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292. lucky for you I have a big hammer.
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293. Red, you dirty man.
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294. Mrs. Forman.
What are you watching?
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295. Weather.
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