1. - Hey, guys.
- Mitch!
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2. I thought I heard
a matchbox car pull up.
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3. Yeah, I'm short, and
you're shaped like a lollipop.
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4. I'm not in the mood, Forman.
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5. My brother Jack's wedding is
tomorrow, and I don't have a date.
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6. Did you try Aly Richards?
She'll go anywhere there's cake.
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7. That's how I got
her into my car.
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8. But then I ate the cake,
and she left.
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9. I'm in a real bind here.
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10. I showed up
at the engagement party alone.
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11. My family made
so much fun of me.
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12. So I said to myself, 'cause,
of course, I was alone,
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13. that I would bring someone
sizzling hot with me to the wedding.
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14. Hey,
Donna, would you be my date?
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15. Mitch, I don't know what to say.
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16. Let me help you out. "No!"
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17. Donna, if you went with me, I might
finally earn some respect from my family.
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18. Let me say this for you
one more time in Spanish.
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19. No!
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20. I taught him that.
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21. Eric,
you know, it seems harmless.
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22. No, Donna,
I'm sorry, but I forbid it.
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23. Oh!
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24. Mitch, I'd love to go.
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25. - Donna, what the hell?
- No.
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26. I forbid you to ask me
questions about this.
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27. But, Donna...
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28. Let me tell you one more time in
Spanish...
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29. Hey, Donna, thanks so
much for doing this.
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30. Sure,
but, you know, just friends.
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31. You don't get to touch
any of this juicy stuff.
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32. No, don't worry. I'll even ask
another couple to be, like, chaperones.
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33. Hey, Jackie,
do you and Hyde want to go?
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34. I'm in, but I can't ask Steven.
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35. I'm still on probation for tricking
him into a ballroom dancing class.
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36. I'll go with you, Jackie, but I
warn you, don't drink too much.
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37. I will take advantage.
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38. Hello, Wisconsin!
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39. Ah! I can't believe you
finally sprung for cable TV.
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40. Wasn't it you who said, "I'd rather
kiss Ho Chi Minh than pay for TV"?
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41. Well, your mother and I are
running out of things to talk about,
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42. so I thought the extra 20
channels might help fill in the gaps.
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43. Wait a second. Cable guy left?
He forgot to hook up the basement.
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44. No, he didn't so much forget,
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45. as follow my "don't hook up
the basement" instructions.
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46. But, Red, for
an extra two bucks a month,
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47. your wife and children could
be enjoying full-frontal nudity.
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48. But I don't want
you to enjoy anything.
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49. I want people your
age out of my house.
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50. Hey, I'm only here
'cause you had a heart attack.
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51. I only had a heart attack
because you're here.
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52. I'm sorry, Michael, but I'm
gonna have to search that bag.
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53. Every time you leave my house with a
backpack, I have to buy new hair spray.
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54. I didn't take anything.
This is lunch.
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55. I planned a whole romantic day
for me and Brooke.
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56. So where are you
and Brooke headed?
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57. Well, since she's having a baby,
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58. I thought I'd take her to a
place that kids and girls like,
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59. so I figured I'd start the date
off at an amusement park,
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60. and we'd go on a ride
on the Lightning Whip.
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61. And then I'm gonna take her
horseback riding up to this overlook,
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62. and then we're gonna get cozy
and drink a little bingo-bango.
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63. Oh, sweetie, you're so wrong
it makes me want to cry a little.
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64. No, look, pregnant women
cannot go on roller coasters,
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65. and they definitely can't drink alcohol,
or bad things can happen to the baby.
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66. Case in point, Eric.
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67. Well, we didn't know
any better back then.
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68. I'm teaching a baby-care class
at the hospital.
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69. If you brought Brooke, I
think she'd be very impressed.
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70. All right. Yeah, sign us up.
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71. You know, there was a time
that all I had to do to impress a girl
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72. was turn my eyelids inside out.
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73. This baby's
changing everything. Oh!
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74. Thanks again for
doing this, Donna.
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75. Grandpa saw me walk in with
you, and he slipped me a 20.
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76. - Here, you should have this.
- See, that kind of
makes me a hooker.
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77. Well, hello.
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78. Looks like we're
sharing a table here.
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79. Here's your drink, here's your
bread, and here's your new lover.
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80. You wish.
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81. I'm sitting next to a goddess.
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82. I know. Didn't my hair
come out great tonight?
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83. Not you, shorty.
Her. I need your help.
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84. This is so easy, Fez.
She's like me.
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85. She's a country club girl,
and we're bitches.
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86. We only understand
one thing, money.
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87. - How much should I give her?
- No.
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88. Fez, act rich.
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89. Good evening, ladies and
gentlemen. My name is Eric.
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90. Eric, what are you doing here?
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91. I changed my work schedule
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92. so I could make sure that Mitch keeps
his tiny little doll hands to himself.
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93. Eric,
Mitch is not a threat to you.
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94. Okay, he's a perfectly harmless guy who
happens to worship the ground I walk on.
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95. You know, it's not his
fault that I'm eye candy.
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96. Well, relax. Don't worry.
Everything will be fine.
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97. Welcome to
the Holiday Hotel ballroom.
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98. I'll be your
waiter this evening.
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99. But unlike a normal waiter, I
despise and may try to destroy you.
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100. Waiter, I'm rich.
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101. And as a rich man, I have
much more money than you.
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102. Fez, I'm really not in the mood.
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103. Hey, sometimes I'm not in
the mood to count all my money,
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104. but I do it anyways
because I am a fat cat.
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105. Yeah, well, your bow tie
is starting to unclip, fat cat.
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106. Unbelievable.
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107. They come to this country,
we give them a job...
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108. They're just so ungrateful.
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109. I'm Christy. And you are?
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110. Ferrari.
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111. Fez Ferrari.
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112. This charity car wash
was a great idea, girls.
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113. Let's take our shirts off!
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114. Who changed my channel?
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115. What the...
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116. Steven!
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117. What the hell's
the matter with you?
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118. Stealing my cable!
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119. Red, before you blow your stack, why don't
you take a look at that car wash girl?
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120. She is so sudsy.
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121. You drilled a hole in my floor.
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122. My foot is about to
drill a hole in your ass!
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123. But, Red, the car wash girls
have to make $500
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124. or their super-freaky love nest is
gonna be turned into a bookstore.
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125. Look, there's only one
clicker, and that's upstairs.
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126. My cable, my channel.
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127. Stop spraying me, silly,
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128. or I'm gonna have to come over
there and kiss you.
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129. Tasha, you want a kiss, too?
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130. Wow, Tasha,
you have the biggest...
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131. thunderstorms, which will result
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132. in a small-craft advisory...
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133. No, no!
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134. Man, look at all these preggos.
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135. God, that one's walking
like a gigantic duck.
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136. She's definitely in her third
trimester. The baby probably dropped.
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137. No, I think it's still in there.
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138. It means the baby's gotten
itself into the birthing position.
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139. Man, you really know stuff.
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140. I've read every baby
book in the library.
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141. By the way, did you ever read
that book I gave you by Dr. Spock?
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142. No, I kind of lost interest when I
realized it wasn't about Star Trek.
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143. Well, you signed us up for this
class, and that was very thoughtful.
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144. Well, that's me.
I'm Mr. Thoughtful.
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145. Man,
how many kids are you having?
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146. Oh, hi, Michael.
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147. Hope you're ready to talk
boo-boos, burps and binkies.
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148. Yeah, Brooke, this is Mrs.
Forman,
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149. the lady that told me I shouldn't
take you horseback riding.
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150. And, Mrs. Forman, this is Brooke,
the hot librarian I impregnated.
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151. Well, I am so
happy you two are here.
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152. And you should be happy, because
you have me as your tour guide
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153. as you make
the transition to parenthood.
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154. Michael.
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155. But that could have been
anybody. Everybody knows I rule.
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156. Okay, all right, okay.
Let's get started.
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157. Now, when you first bring
your little bundles of joy home,
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158. they will spend almost 20
hours a day sleeping and pooping.
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159. Yeah, that's the life, huh?
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160. Now who can tell me what they will
do with the rest of their cute little time?
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161. - Yes, Brooke.
- They'll be eating.
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162. Very good.
And what will they be eating?
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163. Hey, when you're not looking, I'm
gonna sneak the little guy some popcorn.
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164. Michael, babies can't eat
popcorn. They don't even have teeth.
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165. My Grandma Bessie
doesn't have any teeth,
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166. and trust me, she ain't shy
around a bucket of popcorn.
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167. Well, Christy says money's great, but
she wants to get to know the real me,
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168. and I really care about her.
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169. So what's another
fake good quality
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170. I could pretend to have
to trick her into the sack?
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171. Okay, okay, well, she's wearing fur,
which means she must love animals,
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172. which means she must
like sensitive guys.
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173. Sensitive, huh?
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174. You're good.
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175. Hey, cutie. Where you been?
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176. Who the hell do you think
you are, talking to me like that?
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177. - I'm sensitive.
- Fez!
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178. I guess it's a tradition for the
best man to say a few words.
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179. And all I really want to say
is that my brother
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180. is not the only one fortunate enough
to find himself in love's warm embrace.
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181. So, everybody, I'd like to introduce
you to Donna, my new fiancee.
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182. Or, as I like to call her, my big,
red love machine. That's her.
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183. Mitch, what the hell
are you doing?
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184. Ooh, look at that fireball go.
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185. Feisty at the table,
feisty in the bedroom.
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186. No. No.
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187. She's feisty in my bedroom,
people, my bedroom.
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188. Okay, he's just some lying, crazy
lunatic. He's crazy. This guy's crazy.
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189. And my congratulations
to the happy couple.
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190. This is the best wedding
I have ever been to.
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191. Falling barometric
pressure from a cold front out of Canada.
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192. Look at all that
hail in Buffalo.
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193. How can you watch this?
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194. It comforts me to know that there are
people out there more miserable than me,
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195. like those people
in Buffalo, and you.
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196. You have to sit here?
Why don't you go read a book?
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197. Why don't you go read a book?
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198. Because I have cable.
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199. Very nice.
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200. Baby says, "It's tight,
but not too tight,
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201. "and I wuv the way you
powdered my wittle bottom."
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202. I never thought I'd say this, but
you gotta take it easy on the nads.
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203. I know what I'm doing. It's just, it
sounded so much easier in the books.
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204. - Okay, there.
- Let's have a look.
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205. Uh-oh! Baby says, "That's too loose.
Now I'm gonna wee-wee on Daddy."
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206. I just have to
redo the safety pin.
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207. - God, why can't I do this?
- Oh, no.
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208. Baby says, "Ouch, you
poked me. Now I'm gonna cry."
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209. That's it. I give up.
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210. "Oh, Mommy, don't leave me.
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211. "I don't want to end up
in state-run foster care."
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212. You know, you seem normal
around your family,
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213. but out in the world,
you're a little nuts.
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214. So it turns out I
was right about Mitch.
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215. So let's see, that's you, wrong.
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216. Me, right.
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217. You don't have to rub it in.
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218. I think I do, Donna.
So rub-a-dub-dub, I'm right.
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219. I am humiliated!
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220. The only way I'm gonna get
my pride back is to kick your ass!
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221. So I'm
challenging you to a fight.
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222. That is,
unless you're too chicken.
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223. What is this, third grade?
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224. Okay, here's what I just heard.
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225. "Third grade."
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226. - Okay,
you can stop doing that.
- I can stop doing that...
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227. Okay, fine. You know what?
I'll fight you. Fine.
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228. Good. Tomorrow, 5:15,
the playground, you be there!
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229. - Why not just do it at 5:00?
- I have swimming lessons!
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230. Thank you so much
for helping me with Christy.
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231. She was telling me what
she did last summer at camp,
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232. and I think she
might be a whore.
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233. - So if there's
anything I can do for you...
- Actually, Fez, there is.
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234. When the bride tosses the
bouquet, I really want to catch it.
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235. It's such a sweet
and magical moment,
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236. so I need you to knock some
of those fat sluts out of my way.
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237. I will make
those Weebles wobble,
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238. and they will fall down.
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239. Fez Ferrari, you're so rich and sensitive,
I think I might go all the way with you.
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240. But only if you get everyone out of
my way so I can catch the bouquet.
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241. How many bouquets do they throw?
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242. One.
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243. Let's see, who do I help?
Old friend, new whore?
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244. Old friend, new whore?
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245. What am I saying?
Do the right thing, Fez.
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246. Okay, I don't know who gave you a
tattoo, but that is not good parenting.
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247. Look, Michael,
I don't want to talk about it.
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248. I thought I was ready,
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249. but today I found out I don't
even know how to use a diaper.
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250. We are gonna be covered in poo.
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251. Look, I think you're underestimating
us, all right? Especially me.
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252. Now, these beautiful hands
aren't just made for foreplay.
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253. Check it out.
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254. I remember the first time I
baby-sat for my little brother,
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255. and he power-dooked
all over himself, right?
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256. So I got my mom's salad tongs
and pulled off his pants,
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257. and then I grabbed him by the ankles
and took him outside and hosed him off.
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258. And voila.
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259. Oh, Michael, it's so perfect.
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260. See, you got the brains and the maternal
instincts, and I know how to wrap ass.
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261. We're gonna do this together,
and we're gonna be fine.
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262. "Oh, Daddy,
that's just how I like it."
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263. You're really
starting to creep me out.
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264. Winds variable
out of the northeast,
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265. 20 miles an hour
with gusts to 45.
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266. Weather kicks ass.
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267. Forman, I'm your bud, so
I'm rooting for you in this fight.
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268. But business is business, so
I got 50 bucks on the little guy.
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269. Well, I see the chicken
showed up for his beating.
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270. How can I be a chicken
if I showed up for the fight?
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271. You know, it's funny,
'cause what I just heard was...
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272. Chicken...
Fight...
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273. Eric, as someone that has been
punched a lot,
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274. I have some advice.
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275. Do not move to a new country
and try to fit in at high school.
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276. Hey, Forman, come back here
so we can go over the rules.
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277. Okay, Eric, one last thing.
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278. You know when
we're play fighting,
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279. and you grab my wrist,
and I go, "Ow! Ow! Ow!"?
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280. That doesn't really hurt.
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281. Okay? So, don't do that.
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282. What? The Forman Death Grip?
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283. Man, I was really
counting on that.
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284. What are you doing here?
I don't want to fight you.
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285. I was just trying to act tough so
I can get my self-respect back.
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286. By threatening me?
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287. It's okay. It's okay.
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288. I've got a way out of this
that'll make us both look good.
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289. We'll tell everyone that we
worked it out like gentlemen,
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290. - and now we're
the best of friends.
- What? No.
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291. Mitch, look, Donna was really
nice to you, and you humiliated her.
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292. I can't let you
treat people like that.
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293. Today I'm...
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294. I'm standing up
for all humanity.
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295. Would you do it for a 1968 G.I. Joe Desert
Rat edition with the original mess kit?
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296. Please.
I have three of those.
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297. - The French version?
- G.I. Jacques.
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298. It does exist.
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299. We got a deal?
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300. Well, I'm afraid there's
not gonna be a fight here.
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301. Guys, we worked out our
differences, and basically,
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302. he's a really great guy.
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303. Donna, he's doing the chicken
thing behind me right now!
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304. Yeah. He's really good at it.
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305. That's not the only thing
I'm good at, cherry pie.
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306. All right, that's it.
You're dead.
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307. Start the car, Mom!
Start the car!
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308. temperatures in the...
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309. Ooh, Mr. Handyman,
I'm so glad you're finally here.
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310. There are so many things
I need you to nail.
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311. Lucky for you
I have a big hammer.
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312. Red, you dirty man!
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313. Mrs. Forman!
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314. What are you watching?
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315. - Weather.
- Winds variable...
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316. http://hiqve.com/
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