That '70s Show 6x2

Kelso decides to help Jackie and Hyde get back together with hilarious results. And Eric realises that the sadder Donna becomes, the more she wants sex. Kitty decides to help Red with his new doctor-imposed diet.

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1. All right, Donna put your chair here. I wanna get Steven's attention,

2. and with you next to me I'll look like a tiny porcelain doll.

3. Y'know Jackie, some people actually find me to be of normal height.

4. Sure if they're green and jolly. - I can't take it.

5. Watching Donna lie out, knowing she's gonna go to college and I have to stay here,

6. She's so, so...

7. Juicy.

8. My Juicy.

9. Well I'm not gonna stay here locked in the house just cause Jackie looks...

10. ridiculously hot in that bathing suit.

11. - Later Forman. - Bye bye juicy.

12. Ladies. Ladies bodies.

13. I wish someone would rub lotion on my shoulders. Think they're getting a little red.

14. Yeah, you should be careful. Looks like you're starting to scab.

15. Oh, that's a burn about a burn. That's a second degree burn!

16. Y'know Jackie, I think maybe Hyde's moved on.

17. No, no, no. You don't just move on from Jackie Burkhardt.

18. I'm like the bottle, you need a twelve step program to break my spell.

19. Okay ladies. All these sound waves are interfering with my sunrays.

20. Let's tan.

21. Alright, I'm gonna need you to lotion me up, darling,

22. but only rub where you can see. No roaming!

23. Hey, Mom, Dad, I have something I wanna tell you.

24. I've decided not to move away. - What?

25. I'm gonna stay and put off college for just a little while

26. or at least until you're well enough to go back to work. - My baby, my baby, my baby.

27. Mom okay, this is actually kind of embarrassing. You're actually really hurting me, yeah.

28. You mean I've been waiting eighteen years for you to get your butt out of this house,

29. and now you're staying?

30. I signed over my pay check to you. I want you to go buy yourself something pretty.

31. Or I don't know... electricity.

32. Oh honey, thank you.

33. Red it wouldn't kill you to thank him. - It might, I just had a heart attack.

34. Speaking of which, I just found this in the garbage.

35. Why would you throw away the list of all the food the doctor said we couldn't have in the house?

36. Kitty did you look at that list?

37. If I had known what I was coming home to after my heart attack,

38. I would've walked straight into that bright light and never looked back.

39. Oh come on, it can't be that bad.

40. I'll do it with you. Cause what's good for the goose, is good for the gander.

41. Actually, Mom, Dad's the gander.

42. The male goose. So it would be what's good for the gander is good for the goose.

43. Let's take a gander at what you're giving up with the gander.

44. That's how you do that.

45. Potato chips, other salty snacks.

46. Good advice, that doctor obviously knows what he's talking about.

47. Butter, heavy cream, cheese. - Gone, makes a lot of sense.

48. Alcoholic beverages. - Okay, that doctor's a quack.

49. God, it's gonna be so hard going off to college without you.

50. But we'll see each other on the weekends right?

51. Well you say that now, but then there's that weekend

52. when you call home and say you have to study

53. but I here Moose, the place kicker in the background, asking if you want another shot of tequila.

54. Eric, that would never happen.

55. I would never date a place kicker, it's Quarterback or nothing for me.

56. The more I think about leaving you, the sadder I get.

57. And the sadder I get, the more I wanna be with you.

58. Right now. - Now?

59. Well yeah, I...

60. Whoa, alright this is great, it'll be like completely spontaneous, like I just...

61. Why are you talking? - I'm sorry, I...

62. So it turns out that going away sex is even hotter than make up sex.

63. It's like these chips, they say now even crunchier, and you're thinking,

64. oh, man, there is no way, but then you take a bite

65. and it is crunchier.

66. Dude if something's crunchy, you should really have that looked at.

67. There's no time my friend, I have a distraught neighbour girl to attend to.

68. Dry your eyes, baby, the lovin's on its way!

69. Toe ring. - Oh, Fez you like?

70. Yeah, got a toe ring. - On the little piggy that went to the market.

71. Steven what do you think? - Can't resist toe ring.

72. Whatever.

73. I have all sorts of things now that I didn't have when we were going out.

74. Toe ring, tan lines, a tattoo. - You don't have a tattoo, you're bluffing.

75. Do you have a tattoo?

76. Well we're not going out, so I guess you'll never know.

77. I think I'm gonna stop wearing them all together. See ya.

78. Look at you watching her, you love her, man.

79. "Oh, baby, I love you so much."

80. Were you doing Jackie? - Yes, yes.

81. Why am I even thinking about her? Man, she's like Tahiti.

82. It's warm and it's beautiful and you wanna go there, but when you do you get bit by a mosquito

83. and you get malaria and you're sick for the rest of your life.

84. She's obviously not over you either. She's practically putting on a show to get your attention.

85. Just imagine it.

86. I love to dance.

87. Okay the doctor wins.

88. Eric and I boxed up all the liquor.

89. Man, look at all this, it's like Dean Martin exploded.

90. There were bottles in the liquor cabinet, the dining room hutch,

91. my Mom's nightstand.

92. Oh no, no, that's for polishing furniture. - Mom, there's lipstick on it.

93. It's just your luck, Forman. You're about to turn eighteen

94. and there's gonna be no hooch left in the house to steal.

95. I mean avoid. Do homework next to.

96. Pray near. Come on!

97. Yeah, it's gonna be pretty boring around here. You know what you should do? Go to college.

98. Mom would it be too much to ask for Dad to be grateful that I'm staying?

99. Honey, we're all going through hard times.

100. You're giving up your future, I'm giving up my Schnapps.

101. Let's not compare our pain.

102. Hey, sorry I'm late. Donna was really upset about leaving,

103. so I had to comfort her in a bedular way.

104. It turns out if I get her sad, she gives it away like goldfish at a freakin' carnival.

105. Eric, I think you may have found a secret open sesame to sex.

106. Make the lady cry.

107. Perhaps I should try that with my wife.

108. "Laurie here's a dead cat, now do me."

109. A little history Fez, I think Laurie has a lot of open sesames.

110. Like, "Hi, Laurie". That usually does it.

111. Actually I only ever got as far as 'Hi'.

112. Fez, I did it with your wife!

113. God I have so much power over Donna now, it's like

114. I know how Obi-Wan Kenobi feels.

115. "These aren't the droidsyou're looking for."

116. Man, I wish I could do it with Donna in a land speeder on.

117. That would be so awesome.

118. Hey, Steven, check out my new super sexy tattoo.

119. Hard to keep your hands off, huh?

120. Steven!

121. Sorry, here's your tattoo back.

122. I'll take that. - Steven, why are you being so difficult?

123. Jackie, no amount of tattoos or toe rings, are gonna fix the fact that you have a lot to apologise for.

124. You're the one who should apologise. - Then I guess we're not getting back together.

125. I guess we're not. Oh, and by the way, you don't deserve a real tattoo.

126. But if I were to get one, I'd show it to Fez before I'd ever show it to you.

127. I hope she gets it on her hienie.

128. Jackie, it really bugs me that you and Hyde aren't back together,

129. so as the man who used to pleasure you endlessly,

130. I feel it is my obligation to step in and fix this,

131. cause when I'm a cop I'm gonna have to deal with domestic cases like this all the time.

132. And the good news is, he'll have guns.

133. Yeah, this is gonna be a piece of cake.

134. Y'know they should have put me in charge of Vietnam,

135. I would have had those people making out in a week.

136. Wow, Donna, that might be the last time

137. you'll ever get to see Kelso make an even bigger mess of a problem.

138. Yeah I'm gonna miss that.

139. And I'm gonna miss you. - Well I'm not gonna miss you two

140. slobbering all over each other like fat girls in a house with free meat.

141. And that might be the last time that Jackie ever makes fun of us,

142. fat girls, and meat.

143. Yeah...

144. What? - Nothing, it just could be the last time

145. that you and I stand beside the Vista Cruiser.

146. I just waxed her she's all slippy slidy.

147. Donna this might be the last time I bring you your toothbrush.

148. That's not my toothbrush.

149. Might be the last time... I bring you the wrong toothbrush.

150. Hello, darling.

151. I see you are washing your unmentionables.

152. Yeah, do you know what gets out grass stains and Kailua?

153. Anyways...

154. I was thinking how sad you must be considering the mess you made of your life.

155. With all that sadness, do you not also get needy?

156. Y'know, I sorta do. - Ali Baba, the treasure is mine!

157. I'm gonna go see if Carlos is home.

158. That Carlos is one lucky SOB to have a wife like mine.

159. Look, Hyde, I know you don't wanna tell Jackie that you're sorry,

160. but there's gotta some things that you did, that you wish you hadn't done.

161. Like that time that you told me to eat that stuff, and I didn't know what it was,

162. and then you licked your lips, and you rubbed you stomach

163. and you were like 'Mmm it's really good, Kelso'

164. and then I ate it and then I wished I hadn't of done that.

165. Yeah, well, maybe with Jackie I was sort of impetuous and maybe a little rash.

166. Now see, that's something that Jackie oughta know.

167. Hyde say's that he was sort of infectious and he has a rash.

168. What? - I'm just telling you what he said.

169. All right, look, Michael, Steven's the one who messed up the relationship.

170. He thought you and I were together but he was just wrong.

171. He fabricated the whole mess. - Well somebody ought to make that clear.

172. Jackie wants you to know that there was a mess 'cause she was wearing the wrong fabric.

173. That can't be what she said. - It's word for word, man.

174. Kelso, would you get outta here? - What, I'm helping.

175. You're making me wanna kick your ass.

176. That better be the rash talking.

177. Busted, mister. - You're like a damn cat.

178. I'm gonna make you wear a bell.

179. Bad health in a can, that's what that is.

180. The doctor said he wants nothing like that around here, and I agree.

181. All it takes is a little bit of will power, Red.

182. Even though you used to do something without thinking,

183. you just have to grab a hold of those thoughts.

184. Can I get you a refill there?

185. Well there's a lesson for you.

186. You're welcome.

187. Oh hey, listen, son.

188. It means a lot to your mother, you staying here and helping out the family.

189. And as for me I...

190. There. Doctor said I should write down my feelings.

191. Are you actually thanking me?

192. This is a list of yard work.

193. Yeah, the lawn thanks you for all that mowing you're gonna do.

194. You're welcome, Dad. - Yeah, well.

195. All right, we're both men here.

196. Oh, God. - What's wrong?

197. Nothing it's just this could be the last time that...

198. you and I watch Gilligan get hit on the head by the Skipper.

199. Eric, the more we talk about me going away, the sadder you get.

200. And being with you so much lately has been great, but

201. afterwards� well you always used to look a little bit ashamed

202. and I mean now you just seem depressed.

203. Oh no, no, I'm not depressed, Donna, you are depressed.

204. Okay, let's do this.

205. All this last time stuff, have you been saying that just for sex?

206. What? Have I... what?

207. This is not the one you're angry with.

208. You're disgusting.

209. That might be the last time we fight over you trying to get me to have sex with you.

210. Y'know Fez, this whole thing with Hyde and Jackie is stupid.

211. They both wanna be together, and they would in a second

212. if they just thought that other one had said I'm sorry.

213. Eureka, Fez, Eureka!

214. I'm one step ahead of you my friend. - Yeah I'll just lie to both of them,

215. and tell them the other one said I'm sorry. - I thought we were going to pan for gold.

216. Okay, here we go, let's make up.

217. All right, look, Steven, I heard what you said.

218. Yeah, I heard what... wait a minute, you heard what I said?

219. Yeah, Michael told me, and just so you know I'm sorry too.

220. Too?

221. No, you're not sorry too, you're sorry one, I'm sorry too.

222. Wait, what, no Michael said that... - Yeah, he said that...

223. I did my work, you two gotta clean this mess up yourselves.

224. So nothing's changed then? - Guess no.

225. Forget this. - Okay, enough.

226. Look, you guys, who cares who apologised first?

227. Jackie obviously wants to be with you, and you're here which means

228. that you wanna be with her and I don't blame you,

229. cause with that rash you ain't got a whole lotta choices.

230. All right, look, Steven, do you wanna be with me?

231. No, no a shrug's not gonna cut it. Steven, I need you to say something.

232. All right, look, I'll even go first.

233. Steven I wanna be with you. And you...

234. I...

235. Can you hang on a second?

236. Would you get outta here?

237. If you want me to leave, all you have to do is say please. - Fine, please.

238. That's better.

239. Jackie, I do wanna be with you.

240. Because you love... - Don't push it.

241. Okay, Steven, where's your beer? - What? Me, beer?

242. Kitty threw away all my beer, the Packers are down by 11,

243. you're 18, I know you have beer, so where's your beer?

244. I don't want used beer.

245. Well, I might have a couple of fresh ones in the shower.

246. Yeah, I'm running low, I should probably hit the store.