That '70s Show 6x14

Shannon Elizabeth as Brooke • Billy Dee Williams as Pastor Dan • Jodi Carlisle as TV Announcer

After the recent pregnancy scare, Bob and the Formans insist that Eric and Donna go for counseling at the church. During their first session, Eric and Donna lie to the minister about having pre-marital sex. Kelso has also been lying lately, telling Brooke that he's doing better at the Police Academy than he actually is. But lying becomes more difficult after there's a fire at the Academy.

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1. It's been like an hour,

2. and my dad is still upstairs talking to your folks.

3. Our pregnancy scare must have really freaked 'em out.

4. Yeah, well, that's because "pregnancy"

5. is one of the scariest words in the english language...

6. right after "monster" and "broccoli."

7. Well, I'm not pregnant.

8. Everything's fine,

9. so I'm sure our parents will calm down soon.

10. Hey, fornicators, upstairs!

11. Oh, god, we're dead. You know what?

12. None of this would have happened

13. if you hadn't insisted on sleeping with me.

14. I insisted?

15. You wouldn't give me my wallet back.

16. Look, we're in this together.

17. You were there, too.

18. Or was I?

19. The jedi mind trick doesn't work in real life, dink.

20. Or does it?

21. Oh, hey,

22. what's shakin', gang?

23. Certainly not Donna's belly from being pregnant, right?

24. You're not funny. You're a sinner.

25. Now sit.

26. We have decided that you two need premarital counseling

27. at church.

28. Premarital?

29. Counseling? Church?

30. Why am I talking like a speak & spell?

31. Dad, you think this is a good idea?

32. No. I suggested we get him fixed like a dog.

33. Counseling can be extremely beneficial.

34. I knew two boys who were about to marry their sweethearts.

35. One boy went to counseling, and one didn't.

36. And the one who didn't go to counseling died.

37. I'll tell ya, if midge and I had counseling,

38. it might have saved our marriage.

39. Of course, not sleeping with degenerates

40. from the pool hall would have helped, too.

41. So you want us to go to counseling?

42. Mom, where do you even come up with this stuff?

43. It wasn't my idea.

44. Steven was thoughtful enough to suggest it.

45. You're welcome.

46. Okay, you guys, this church counseling idea

47. is really crappy.

48. Would you listen to the language on this kid?

49. What he needs is church and lots of it.

50. You know, Eric, you may not think that you need counseling,

51. but maybe Donna does.

52. No, she doesn't.

53. Well, actually,

54. I think counseling might help us work through some

55. of our issues before we get married.

56. - We don't have issues. - Yes, we do.

57. - No, we don't. - Do. - Don't.

58. Okay, see? You don't do the do/don't

59. if you don't have issues, which you do.

60. Okay, dad, how can you think this is a good idea?

61. You always say to take care of family business at home.

62. I am taking care of business at home.

63. Because if you two don't do this,

64. do you know what it's gonna be like

65. living with your mother?

66. Just more of a delight every day, is what.

67. Well, come on, Eric.

68. We'll learn stuff about each other.

69. For instance, what if one day

70. I get a high-paying job in california? Will you move?

71. Whoa. Why can't I get the high-paying job?

72. Okay, what if you get a high-paying job?

73. Will I move?

74. Who am I kidding? I'm not getting a high-paying job.

75. All right, civilians.

76. Hide your stashes.

77. Officer-in-training Kelso's back from the academy.

78. I gotta be honest, man.

79. Every day you come home with all your fingers,

80. I die a little inside.

81. Michael, you got another "d" on a test?

82. Is this your fourth "d" in a row?

83. Yeah.

84. It's just on the penal code stuff.

85. Criminals have a right to an attorney.

86. Criminals are innocent until proven guilty.

87. Just crazy liberal gibberish.

88. What are you laughing at?

89. He said "penal code."

90. Fez, it doesn't mean that.

91. It's from the word "penalty."

92. "Penal"

93. You're like a 4 year old. It's a legal term. "Penal."

94. it's kind of funny.

95. Hey, guys.

96. Hey, Michael.

97. How'd your penal code test go?

98. I did great. I got another "B."

99. Oh, that's your fourth "B" in a row.

100. I'm so proud of you.

101. Can I see it? Uh...

102. uh, you could,

103. but I didn't write anything down

104. 'cause the test was oral.

105. Oral test on the penal code.

106. so, um...

107. are you free this afternoon?

108. I thought maybe we could do something.

109. How about go-carting?

110. Um...

111. how about putting together a crib?

112. Does the crib have wheels?

113. Yeah. Then I'm in.

114. Great. I'll meet you outside.

115. Bye, guys. Bye.

116. Hey, Michael,

117. how come you told library barbie

118. you got "bs" instead of "ds"?

119. Look, some people bring flowers.

120. Some people buy chocolates.

121. I lie about my intelligence.

122. It's not working.

123. She's locked up the old funhouse,

124. if you know what I mean.

125. Michael, no way. She's totally into you.

126. She changed from clear lip gloss

127. to pink shimmer.

128. What more does she need to do,

129. shout "I love you" from the rooftops?

130. She could give me something besides a kiss on the cheek.

131. It's like kissing your cousin.

132. Oh, the cousin kiss...

133. the sexiest of all relative kisses.

134. Right above big-breasted aunt

135. and sleepy grandma.

136. Did you just say "sleepy grandma"?

137. You telling me you kiss your grandma?

138. Not my grandma. A grandma.

139. Sick bastard.

140. I gotta say, I'm excited about marriage counseling.

141. I'm looking forward to hearing from a third party

142. that I'm right about everything.

143. Oh, and I want my marriage to Eric to be magical.

144. I know how you could do that.

145. Marry someone besides Eric.

146. Hey, I'll see you guys later.

147. I got someplace I really need to be.

148. Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

149. Had someplace I really needed to be.

150. Okay, so get this.

151. I don't want counseling. Donna does. So we're going.

152. I'll tell ya, ever since we got engaged,

153. she's been treating me like some kind of child.

154. Oh, where's my toy surprise?

155. Oh, Kelso, watch it with that gun, man.

156. Oh, relax, Eric. It's not a gun. It's a flare gun.

157. Yeah, tomorrow's flare day at the academy,

158. so we're learning how to use these.

159. Besides, they're totally safe.

160. All they do is shoot balls of fire.

161. Kelso, I don't think you should be playing with fire

162. when we're all...

163. never mind.

164. Man, I gotta stop hitting two circles in one day.

165. I could swear I just saw a ball of fire

166. shoot through this room.

167. Zowie!

168. Okay, so what brings you to counseling?

169. A firm tug on the old ball and chain,

170. if you know what I mean.

171. What Eric is trying to say is

172. we wanted to talk to someone about the pitfalls of marriage.

173. And we have some little issues.

174. For example,

175. Eric sometimes likes to talk too much about

176. Star Wars.

177. I understand.

178. You do?

179. See, this is great.

180. Yeah, Star Wars is the greatest movie of all time.

181. It's hard not to talk about Star Wars.

182. Wow! This is great!

183. Oh, oh, no.

184. I can't believe you've seen Star Wars.

185. Well, I like to stay current with pop culture,

186. so that I can connect with the youth I counsel.

187. Say how about that disco?

188. Um, disco kinda blows. I agree.

189. Blow on, disco.

190. Blow on.

191. Can we get back to me and Eric, please?

192. Because sometimes I feel like

193. we're racing toward this wedding,

194. and we're not even enjoying it as much as we could be.

195. Hmm, I see.

196. Like in Star Wars,

197. when Luke, much like the two of you,

198. wasn't the pilot of his own future.

199. But he was a great pilot. He used to bull's-eye

200. wamp rats... in his t-16 back home!

201. I should be marrying you.

202. I thought this was a counseling session,

203. not a dork-off.

204. I'm sorry, Donna.

205. Okay, look, instead of talking

206. about what worries you about marriage,

207. let's talk about what excites you about marriage.

208. Oh.

209. Okay, well...

210. hmm. That's weird.

211. I can't really think of anything.

212. You can't think of anything?

213. Well, hang on. Give me a second.

214. Nope. Nothing.

215. Well, one thing young newlyweds usually get excited about,

216. and that's having sexual relations for the first time.

217. I'm sure you're both looking forward to that.

218. Oh, um...

219. unless of course, you've already had sex.

220. Premarital sex.

221. What? Huh?

222. Pre-what-ital-who?

223. I mean, come on, look at me.

224. Do I look like some guy who's had sex?

225. I mean... right?

226. You're seeing pictures of what's left

227. of the point place police academy auditorium,

228. where a fire broke out today.

229. I hope Kelso's okay.

230. Yeah, I know he's there, 'cause today was flare day.

231. Today was flare day!

232. Hey, what's up?

233. Okay, fine.

234. I was at the academy when the auditorium burned down,

235. but it totally wasn't my fault.

236. See, I got there early to practice with my flare gun

237. 'cause I wanted to show brooke an actual "b" for a change.

238. Okay, so far zero percent your fault.

239. All right,

240. so I accidentally shot off a flare,

241. and it went all...

242. right underneath the bleachers.

243. Well, we've just jumped up to about 60% your fault.

244. Okay, so then I shot off another flare

245. at the first flare 'cause you know what they say.

246. You gotta fight fire with fire.

247. Yeah, this is now, like, 99% your fault.

248. So then I shot off another flare

249. to warn people about the fire.

250. But that one just went right up and on the roof,

251. and that's when I just got the hell out of there.

252. $5?

253. For pete's sakes,

254. God doesn't drive a cadillac.

255. You know, in these times of loose morals,

256. even my faith gets challenged, much like han solo's faith

257. in his sometimes unreliable "millennium falcon."

258. Which is why I'm so pleased to recently meet

259. a young engaged couple

260. who have turned their backs on temptation,

261. despite the lure of premarital sex.

262. Oh, no. Oh, god. Oh, no.

263. So here they are— Eric Forman and Donna Pinciotti.

264. Please stand.

265. Oh, look, it's Eric and Donna.

266. Did everyone know they're virgins?

267. I think I wanna be a virgin, too.

268. Hey, everyone, I'm a virgin!

269. well, I said it, so it must be true.

270. Okay, I know this seems really bad,

271. but I got a really simple way to fix this.

272. Just start going to a different church.

273. Hey, how about that one where they sing more

274. and let you marry, like, six people?

275. Hey, Red,

276. tell me the story about how Eric and Donna

277. had to stand up in front of the whole church

278. and pretend to be virgins. Once upon a time,

279. two dumb-asses went to church

280. and brought shame upon their entire family.

281. And their father had to hear about it

282. the whole damn car ride home!

283. That is a great story.

284. It's scary,

285. but it's funny, too.

286. What I don't understand

287. is how you can lie to a pastor in church.

288. Well, mrs. Forman,

289. what about the time you lied to pastor Dan?

290. You told him your dog ate your bake sale cookies,

291. but you didn't bake them 'cause you were too busy

292. sipping kahl�a and watching that Paul Newman retrospective.

293. I did not lie to pastor Dan in church.

294. I lied to him at the market,

295. and at the market, he is just a regular man.

296. Now you two march back to church and tell him the truth.

297. And for you information, Donna, kahl�a is barely a drink.

298. It's like root beer.

299. So I can't believe the police academy caught fire.

300. What happened?

301. Huge mystery.

302. Like what part of the cow is the hot dog?

303. Maybe Kelso's just too traumatized to remember.

304. I think he needs help filling in the blanks,

305. like the fire was started with a blank gun

306. by a blanking idiot named blank-O.

307. Hey, Brooke,

308. could you wait outside for a minute?

309. Mrs. Forman has this rule that there's only...

310. five people in the kitchen at one time.

311. Well, there are five people here.

312. That's why you need to leave.

313. But you said no more than five.

314. Right. But I'm number five.

315. Exactly.

316. So I'll just wait outside then?

317. Attagirl.

318. Hey, Jackie,

319. I suspect Kelso hasn't told Brooke

320. that he burned down the police academy.

321. Interesting.

322. I suspect you're right, Steven.

323. Fez, what do you think?

324. I think

325. I smell cookies.

326. All right, fine,

327. so I haven't told her.

328. But the only reason she likes me is

329. 'cause I'm doing well at the academy.

330. Michael, you can't start a relationship based

331. on a huge lie.

332. You have to start off fresh, and then gently sprinkle

333. in the lies as you go along.

334. A relationship is like a cookie,

335. and the lies are the tasty chocolate chips.

336. Where are the cookies, damn it?

337. Okay, what did you want to tell me?

338. Well, you see, pastor Dan,

339. when we were here before

340. and you had asked us about premarital sex,

341. we might have— we lied, okay?

342. We have had sex zillions of times.

343. I used to try to keep track on a pad,

344. but it got unwieldy. Oh, god.

345. Eric!

346. I'm sorry, Donna, but we are knocking on hell's door,

347. and I ain't goin' in!

348. Eric, you're not going to hell.

349. But you might be. I don't know you that well.

350. I just think you're depriving yourselves

351. of that wonderful moment when marriage is cemented

352. by giving the gift of yourselves.

353. Wow.

354. I never thought about it that way.

355. Maybe that's why you couldn't figure out

356. the whole excitement about marriage.

357. The one thing you should have been looking forward to,

358. you had already experienced.

359. Maybe you knew that

360. without realizing it.

361. Um...

362. I don't mean to bring up Star Wars again.

363. This is a lot like Luke

364. before he discovered the force.

365. Exactly.

366. And what is the force in real life?

367. Brooke...

368. I gotta tell you something.

369. I burnt down the police academy auditorium.

370. See, this flare just got away from me.

371. And then there was another flare that was on purpose,

372. but a bad idea, and a final warning flare

373. that I now realize was unnecessary,

374. 'cause the fire itself was a pretty big flare.

375. Well, Michael,

376. I'm glad you're honest with me

377. because I kind of have a secret, too.

378. You have a twin sister that loves threesomes.

379. No.

380. I've stopped myself from getting close to you

381. because I didn't know if I could trust you.

382. I knew you were lying about the police academy fire

383. because, well,

384. your friends kind of gave it away in the kitchen.

385. Also Fez took me aside today and just told me.

386. And kinda tried to kiss me.

387. Yeah, he does that.

388. But you were honest with me,

389. which means I can trust you now.

390. So...

391. is there anything else you'd like to be honest

392. with me about,

393. like maybe your test grades?

394. Yeah.

395. I didn't get four "bs."

396. I kinda figured.

397. I got four "as." I just didn't want to brag.

398. Well, we committed seven mortal sins,

399. and all we got was a half an hour lecture.

400. Yeah, but still,

401. I want our wedding day to be special.

402. You know, something we'll remember forever.

403. You know what?

404. Whatever it takes.

405. Which is why I think we shouldn't have sex again

406. until we're married. What? No. What? No.

407. No, no, no, no.

408. You can't cut me off now. I'm addicted now.

409. Look, Eric, I know it seems like a crazy idea.

410. Oh, I see your plan, lady.

411. The first three years are free, huh?

412. Eric, it'll be great.

413. When you think about it,

414. it's really similar to Star Wars

415. and staying pure, just like a Jedi.

416. There's no such thing as Jedi.

417. That's just a stupid movie! God!

418. Last sunday we recognized we... sex

419. It is my bad duty to report that they were lying!

420. to me, to their families to god himself.

421. So let their correct.. justice Please stand

422. Eric Forman and Donna Pincioti

423. Amen