1. So, guys, guess what.
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2. I found the perfect place for
me and Eric to get married.
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3. Where, Donna? Please tell us.
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4. Okay, well that place up by the lake
that overlooks the entire valley...
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5. Where people go for romance.
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6. You mean mount Hump?
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7. People don't go there for the romance, Donna.
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8. They go there for the humping.
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9. Eric, let's go up there tomorrow and check it out.
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10. I know the cruiser's in the shop,
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11. but we could take my dad's car.
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12. Donna, he's got that
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13. "honk if you're horny" bumper sticker.
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14. Yeah, well, I'd scrape it off,
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15. but "I brake for boobies" is underneath it.
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16. Why are you guys all in Steven's room?
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17. Well, Hyde was here,
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18. so I came in because
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19. I'm not comfortable enough
with myself to be alone.
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20. Yeah, but it's all gray, like a prison cell.
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21. Gray is why prisoners are unhappy.
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22. Really? I always thought it
was the loss of freedom...
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23. And the uninvited man love.
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24. Steven, I just think that you would be happier
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25. if you saw pretty things.
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26. Like when I look at myself in the mirror,
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27. I'm happy.
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28. When I look at you, I'm happy too,
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29. but when you talk, eh...
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30. Hey, Eric, I have to ask you
a very important question.
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31. Can I borrow your G.I. Joe
for a little experiment?
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32. No.
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33. I thought you were gonna say "yes."
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34. And by the way, the experiment was a success.
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35. G.I. Joe melts faster than cheese.
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36. Kelso, you can't just take my things
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37. without asking permission.
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38. Come on, we're friends.
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39. I figure what's mine is yours
and what's yours is mine.
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40. What's Donna's is mine, too.
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41. Kelso!
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42. Yeah, Barbie didn't make it, either.
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43. No one likes to see civilian casualties.
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44. That's weird.
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45. My finger's due back tomorrow,
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46. but my hand's due back next week.
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47. You know, Michael, I was a little worried
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48. about starting to date you,
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49. but lately, you've really impressed me.
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50. Well, that's the police motto...
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51. To serve and impress.
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52. I thought it was "serve and protect."
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53. They just changed it.
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54. Maybe you could take me to my
doctor's appointment tomorrow.
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55. We'll hear the baby's heartbeat.
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56. Seriously?
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57. You want me to do baby stuff with you?
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58. Yeah, you've been really
great these last few weeks.
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59. Yes, I have.
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60. And there's no telling what you'll do next.
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61. One day you might even read one of these things.
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62. Yeah, let's just pray to God that day never comes.
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63. Stupid Kelso.
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64. Guess what I packed.
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65. I'm gonna have to go with picnic.
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66. You win.
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67. So when do I get my car back?
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68. I don't know. We're scouting
places to have the wedding.
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69. You don't need to scout anywhere
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70. but the inside of a church.
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71. What better place to start a happy life
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72. than our lady of perpetual sorrow?
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73. Well, dad, the thing is we're
not getting married in a church.
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74. But we are thinking
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75. about getting married at mount Hump,
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76. which is sort of the church of humping.
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77. Well, no church, no car,
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78. just like it says in the bible.
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79. Well, the bible doesn't say anything
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80. about taking Kelso's van.
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81. Donna, we can't just take it.
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82. Of course we can. What's his is yours, remember?
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83. Do it for the liquefied face of g.I. Joe.
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84. I can't think of a more fitting way
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85. to honor the real American hero.
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86. You're welcome, big guy.
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87. What's this for?
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88. No reason.
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89. I was just thinking about you
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90. And how we've been through a lot together.
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91. No, we haven't.
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92. Oh, he gave you shoes.
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93. What do you say, Red?
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94. What the hell is wrong with you?
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95. Or we say, "thank you very much."
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96. Don't you think it's a little odd
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97. for a man to give another man a pair of shoes?
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98. I saw 'em.
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99. I thought they'd go nice with your tan pants.
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100. Quit thinking about my pants!
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101. My legs and what covers them
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102. is my business.
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103. He's very sensitive about his legs.
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104. You know, he shouldn't be.
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105. They're shapely, like a lady dancer.
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106. Maybe that's why he's so sensitive.
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107. Oh, finally.
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108. I've been waiting all afternoon.
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109. I'm about to burst!
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110. Hey, man.
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111. Thinking maybe you should wait out here.
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112. No, no, no, Fez. You should see this.
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113. It's a dream come true.
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114. Surprise!
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115. Jackie, what the hell happened to my room?
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116. I redecorated it.
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117. Now if a stranger comes in here,
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118. he'd never know you were poor.
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119. Looks like something for a girl.
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120. I like it.
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121. Or Fez. I can't live like this.
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122. I'm getting sick just looking at it.
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123. Yes, yes, Steven, that sick feeling
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124. is your orphan soul coming alive.
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125. Jackie, just put it all back, okay?
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126. Make it ugly and dirty like I like it.
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127. Well, excuse me for spending all morning
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128. putting up twinkle lights that are breathtaking,
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129. pillows as soft as
marshmallows and scented candles
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130. that make you feel like
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131. you're running through a field
like Laura freakin' ingalls!
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132. Okay, okay. We came here for a reason.
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133. Now should I start and you watch,
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134. or should you start and I watch?
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135. Either way, I'll be done first.
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136. So I told Hyde he could watch
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137. while Jackie and I do it.
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138. And then he beat my ass with a twinkle light.
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139. Where's my van?
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140. Now I parked it right here!
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141. Calm down. You probably just lost it again.
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142. Where was the last place you had it?
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143. Right here!
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144. Somebody stole my van!
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145. (gasps) That's horrible!
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146. I left a brand-new bag of tootsie rolls in there.
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147. Fez!
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148. Okay, okay, it was just half a bag.
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149. But if you talk to the insurance company,
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150. just tell them it was a whole bag.
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151. I finally got Brooke to trust me,
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152. and if I don't take her to
this doctor's appointment,
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153. I'm dead. What am I gonna do?
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154. Don't beat yourself up.
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155. It's only tootsie rolls.
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156. Look, I'm gonna take Red's car.
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157. I know he's got a hide-a-key
in there somewhere.
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158. Are you brain-damaged?
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159. Fez, did you just say, "are you brain-damaged?"
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160. and sound exactly like Red?
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161. Kelso, you know I only do
Johnny Carson and Pepe le Pew.
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162. Get away from my car.
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163. Your car, my car.
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164. Aren't we all just driving the same car?
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165. It's a car called life.
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166. How about I drive my foot
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167. into this thing called your ass?
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168. A simple "no" would suffice.
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169. Shoes are an inappropriate gift
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170. to give another man.
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171. Well, what about when you joined the service?
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172. Another man issued you your boots.
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173. But then he gave me a gun, so I let it go.
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174. Well, why don't you just accept the shoes
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175. because Bob is your friend?
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176. You don't understand how men work.
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177. We don't give each other presents.
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178. We pretty much ignore each other
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179. until someone scores a touchdown.
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180. You should listen to me.
I know how to be a friend,
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181. and you obviously don't, since you don't have any.
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182. I have plenty of friends.
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183. Charlie's a friend. He
saved my life during the war.
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184. And when is the last time you talked to Charlie?
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185. We said all we needed to
say on the boat back home.
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186. I don't believe this.
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187. This is crazy.
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188. (sniffs) not bad.
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189. Nice.
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190. It's so soft.
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191. So smooth.
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192. Ahh.
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193. Oh, yeah!
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194. Isn't this amazing?
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195. It is called mount hump because
people come here to hump?
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196. Or do people come here to hump
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197. Because it's called mount hump?
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198. It's like the chicken or the egg.
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199. Well, I have a really good
feeling about this place.
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200. Donna, there are panties in the grass.
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201. Well, fez collects panties.
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202. So we could just set him loose up here
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203. Before the ceremony.
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204. So quiet and peaceful.
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205. Can't hear anything.
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206. Actually, I hear a car.
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207. Oh, man, some poor sucker
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208. Just totally got into an accident.
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209. Your chariot has arrived, my lady.
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210. What happened to your van?
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211. A little problem with the van.
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212. I can't find it.
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213. Michael, people lose keys to a van,
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214. Not the whole van.
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215. Now I'm gonna miss my doctor's appointment.
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216. Look, brooke, this is not my fault.
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217. You're right. It's my fault for depending on you.
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218. Okay, I can fix this.
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219. Just hop on the handlebars
and I'll pedal you there.
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220. Hello! I'm pregnant!
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221. Okay, fine. You pedal and I'll ride.
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222. Oh, look.
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223. Here you are with all your friends.
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224. You claim to have all these friends.
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225. Here are last year's christmas cards.
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226. 56 are for me. 4 for you.
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227. Kitty, a card from the
jose cuervo collector's club
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228. Doesn't count.
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229. Fine. I can afford to throw this one away
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230. Because I have 55 more.
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231. I will keep this because it has a coupon in it.
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232. Anyway, it doesn't matter
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233. Because I'm keeping the shoes.
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234. A good shoe is a good shoe
no matter where it comes from.
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235. Oh, it's like I'm walking on a pile of baby ducks.
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236. Well, hello there,
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237. Senor fancy sheets.
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238. I love the way jackie decorated your room.
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239. It's all
glittery, like—
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240. Like an italian person lives there.
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241. You let your girlfriend decorate your room?
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242. She also buy you a new dress?
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243. Yeah, I guess I have a lot to answer for.
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244. Then again, I never accepted a pair of shoes
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245. From another man.
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246. I knew it was a weird gift! Kitty said it wasn't.
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247. They're nice. Steven, tell him they're nice.
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248. Nah, can't do it.
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249. But you know what? Maybe she's right.
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250. Maybe you should keep the shoes
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251. And give bob a present in return,
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252. Like a necklace or some sexy lingerie.
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253. Man, poor kelso's van.
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254. When it finally landed,
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255. It didn't so much crash as completely separate
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256. Into its basic elements and just return to nature.
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257. It was so sad.
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258. There were tootsie rolls everywhere.
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259. Yes, took a nap in my room.
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260. My goose down duvet is like a cocoon.
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261. I laid down a caterpillar and woke up a butterfly.
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262. Maybe you with your room and red with his shoes
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263. Should get a room
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264. And decorate it with red's shoes. Ha! Burn!
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265. Man, you just don't understand what it's like
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266. To have a bed that hugs you
like you're a little baby.
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267. It's like crawling into a mommy kangaroo.
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268. I miss my kangaroo.
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269. Remember when I said that
he should decorate his room
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270. With red's shoes?
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271. Ha! Burn!
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272. Hyde's in trouble!
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273. She took it all down.
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274. Did you just scream like a girl?
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275. No.
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276. What happened to my lavender-scented candle?
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277. Did you just say,
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278. "what happened to my lavender-scented candle?"
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279. No.
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280. Thank you.
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281. Oh, okay, so I made appointments
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282. With all the doctors in your address book
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283. 'cause I don't know which
one was the woo-woo doctor.
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284. You know what? Stay out of my stuff.
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285. I'll take care of things myself
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286. 'cause you obviously aren't
responsible enough to handle it.
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287. Oh, kelso, you're here.
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288. Um, hey, can I borrow your van
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289. For a little experiment?
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290. No.
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291. Oh.
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292. I thought you were gonna say "yes."
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293. Oh, my god.
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294. Is that my steering wheel?
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295. It's the biggest piece I could find.
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296. Listen, kelso, I am so sorry.
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297. I took the van to mount hump,
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298. And I forgot to set the parking brake.
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299. I'm just really sorry.
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300. The horn doesn't honk anymore.
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301. Look, you know, at first, it seemed okay
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302. Because you melted my g.I. Joe.
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303. But I mean, it's not as bad
as destroying a van, so...
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304. I don't know why I just said that.
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305. I don't know what to say.
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306. Well, I do.
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307. You know, I called michael irresponsible,
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308. But he's not. You are.
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309. You're an irresponsible, twitchy little man!
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310. Okay, please, just don't bump me
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311. With that thing.
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312. Wait. If he's irresponsible,
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313. That means I'm the good one.
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314. I'm the good one now!
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315. Yeah, he's obviously the dumb one of your group.
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316. Hey, he really is.
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317. Red forman, don't you dare
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318. Throw those shoes away.
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319. I just can't keep 'em, kitty.
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320. Every time I wear them,
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321. I'll feel bob touching my feet.
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322. Are you throwing away my shoes?
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323. No, no, no, no.
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324. He is not throwing away your shoes.
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325. He is getting rid of that pesky new shoe smell
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326. By rubbing old food on them.
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327. I'm throwing them away, bob.
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328. Look, I appreciate the thought.
No, well, that's not true.
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329. I mean...
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330. Shoes are a weird gift to give another man.
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331. I mean, what's next? A weekend in cancun?
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332. Okay, fine. I bought the shoes for myself,
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333. But they pinched my toes,
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334. So I decided to pawn 'emff on you as a gift.
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335. You were just trying to screw me over?
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336. Well, I can respect that.
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337. Thanks for the shoes, bob.
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338. See, I have a friend.
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339. No, no. This is not the way friends act.
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340. He was gonna throw away your present, bob.
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341. Come on, kitty. I gave him shoes.
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342. That's weird.
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343. I'm surprised you didn't punch
me in the face right then.
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344. I almost did.
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345. Jackie, what the hell?
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346. Why'd you take everything down?
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347. You said, "take everything down."
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348. Well, you didn't have to.
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349. You said, "you have to."
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350. I didn't mean it.
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351. You said, "I mean it."
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352. Look, just put it all back.
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353. Not until you admit you loved it.
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354. Jackie, who cares who's right or wrong here?
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355. Isn't the important thing that you make me happy?
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356. Who are you talking to? Do you even know me?
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357. Fine. I loved it.
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358. And...?
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359. The twinkle lights were breathtaking.
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360. And...?
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361. The scented candles made
me feel like laura ingalls.
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362. All right, that's it.
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363. We need to find another place to get married.
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364. I just wrote out,
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365. "you are cordial invited to mount hump,"
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366. And I died a little inside.
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367. Well, then I guess we should also rule out
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368. The scenic banks of nipple creek.
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369. Where is michael?
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370. You know, whenever he tells
me he has a surprise for me,
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371. It makes me a little nervous.
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372. It's probably just 'cause the last time
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373. He said that to you, you got pregnant.
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374. Tires squeal)
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375. So what do you think?
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376. I think barbie's probably worried sick
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377. That her convertible's missing.
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378. I thought you were getting another van.
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379. Oh, so did I,
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380. But then I saw this baby
down at the police auction,
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381. And I knew it was destined to be mine.
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382. Well, hey, man, can I give you some money?
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383. No, it was pretty cheap.
Some guy got stabbed in it.
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384. So nobody else bid on it.
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385. It's pretty sweet, huh?
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386. It's frickin' awesome.
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387. Is it the car, or are you more handsome?
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388. It's the car.
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389. And I'm more handsome.
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390. Michael, don't you think
it's a little impractical?
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391. Impractical?
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392. More like imperfecticable.
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393. This thing is totally baby-friendly.
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394. Remind me again how it's baby-friendly.
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395. Cause it's tiny, just like a baby.
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396. (manly voice) barbie, you are
gross, but I still love you.
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397. (high-pitched voice) really?
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398. Even though my face is melted off?
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399. (manly voice) yes, but your perfect plastic boobs
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400. Remain untouched jewels.
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401. (high-pitched voice) oh,
can my twin sister watch?
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402. (manly voice) why just watch?
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403. There's plenty of joe to go around.
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404. I didn't see you.
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