1. What are those?
Oh, Donna.
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2. Did you buy Playboy for me?
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3. No, they're college brochures.
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4. Donna, these people are fully dressed.
That's just not gonna work for me.
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5. My guidance counselor
gave them to me...
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6. but I already told him
I'm going wherever you go.
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7. How did I ever get
a girl as great as you?
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8. - You know you can do better than me, right?
- ( Laughs )
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9. - But you're right next door. It's so easy.
- Right.
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10. Oh, you two make me sick.
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11. Looks like my mom,
but speaks like my dad.
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12. I-I- I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.
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13. That wasn't me talking. That was-
That was-That was the menopause.
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14. No, you don't have to apologize.
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15. We totally get
what you're going through.
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16. Well, thank the Lord!
Fertile Myrtle totally gets it!
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17. - I miss the basement.
- Yeah.
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18. Kitty, I know these past few weeks
have been hard on you-
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19. hard on all of us, really.
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20. But especially hard on you.
I mean, since you found out you were-
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21. Just say it, Red.
Barren.
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22. Well, there's no need
for both of us to say it.
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23. So I got somethin'
to cheer my girl up.
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24. Oh, good, 'cause I finished off
the last bottle this morning.
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25. No, no.
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26. I got you...
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27. a puppy.
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28. He needs someone
to take care of him.
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29. - His mother got run over by a car.
- Did you run over a dog, Red?
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30. No! I just hate to see you sad,
and I thought-
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31. Oh, forget it. I'll take him back
and go to the liquor store.
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32. Well, now wait.
Wait.
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33. He's kind of cute.
Can I hold him?
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34. Oh-ho-ho!
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35. What a little lover boy!
Ooh!
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36. - See? He likes you.
- ( Barks )
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37. Ah, how about that?
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38. He's got menopause too.
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39. I'll see you later.
I'm gonna go get out of this thing.
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40. - Oh, boo!
- Selfish!
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41. Man, what is with you guys
and this uniform?
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42. It makes us want to corrupt you.
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43. Man, Donna is so awesome.
She can afford to go to any school she wants...
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44. but she wants to go where I go
just so we can be together.
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45. Yeah, she is awesome.
Why is she with you again?
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46. 'Cause a good girlfriend
accepts her guy no matter what.
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47. Jackie was always
trying to change me.
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48. "Grow up, Michael."
"Act your age, Michael."
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49. "Stop shooting grandmother
with a water pistol, Michael."
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50. She's 92, Michael.
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51. She had jam on her face!
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52. Well, all I know is...
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53. things with me and Donna
are going really, really well.
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54. This is just about the point
where I screw things up.
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55. - So don't screw it up.
- Fez. ( Chuckles )
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56. Oh, Fez.
( Sighs )
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57. If history has taught us
anything, it's that...
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58. screwing up is my nature.
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59. But you know what I can do... is bank
a little goodwill- do something nice.
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60. - ( Snaps Fingers )
- Buy her a present.
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61. Yep, she deserves it too.
Do you know how many times...
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62. I tried to grab her boob
on the way to California?
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63. And it would've been easier
for her if she would've let me!
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64. 'Cause you know me.
I won't stop.
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65. I gotta get Donna
something really special...
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66. something that reminds her
that even though I'm an idiot...
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67. I'm an idiot who loves her.
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68. I got it!
A scented candle!
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69. Chicks can't keep their shirt on
around a scented candle.
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70. Please, the battlefield of love
is littered with guys who give candles.
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71. It's expensive jewelry or nothing.
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72. Look, if you can't
put a price tag on love...
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73. then how do you know
how much it's worth?
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74. Jackie, what kind of crap is that?
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75. - You haven't learned a thing from me.
- Wait.
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76. Steven.
Well, what do you mean?
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77. I mean, romance was created by
corporations to prey on losers...
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78. who think buying nice things
will make somebody love them.
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79. If you ever read anything besides what-
( Scoffs )
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80. Donny Osmond puts on his waffles,
you might learn something.
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81. ( Chuckles )
I put whipped cream on my waffles too.
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82. I eat like the stars!
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83. - ( Remote Clicks )
- Hey, when did you get the cute little wiener dog?
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84. No, no, no, no, no!
Not in my chair!
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85. Red Forman!
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86. Schotzie is a helpless, little
animal with four breakable legs.
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87. You can't throw him around the room
like you would Eric!
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88. Red, you don't seem like
the type of guy who'd get a dog...
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89. being that you're unfriendly.
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90. Yeah, I know. I just wanted to do
something to cheer Kitty up.
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91. Well, if you really wanted to cheer her up,
you should've bought her a banjo.
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92. A banjo, Bob?
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93. You can't hold a banjo
and not smile.
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94. You can't hold a potato chip
and not smile.
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95. Yes?
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96. Um, I want to buy
a present for my girlfriend...
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97. you know, that lets her know
how I feel about her.
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98. Oh, no problem.
Oh, oh. Oh.
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99. Would the, uh, lady
like a necklace? Huh?
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100. - Well, it's- it's nice.
- Yeah.
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101. - It's a little- little creepy.
- Mmm.
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102. Um, it doesn't really say
what I want to say though.
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103. Oh, okay. Okay. Oh! Oh.
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104. - How about a promise ring?
- Oh, don't even...
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105. - get me started on promise rings.
- Really?
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106. Like, once I gave her one,
and she didn't even want it.
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107. - But then she gave me-
- How about that. Look how that shines.
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108. Oh, that's nice, huh?
Uh.
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109. Well, your...
finger hair...
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110. - curling over the ring is kind of ruining it for me.
- Oh.
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111. Does, uh, wearing the merchandise
usually work for you?
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112. I don't know. I'm new here.
I used to work at the lingerie store.
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113. - They fired me.
- Ah, yes. Ah.
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114. I think I know what you're looking for.
Mm-hmm.
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115. How about a diamond ring?
Oh, isn't that gorgeous? Look at that.
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116. - Whoa. ( Chuckles ) That's an engagement ring.
- Mm-hmm.
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117. I'm in high school, man.
That says, uh, too much.
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118. Well, why don't you tell me
what it is you wanna say?
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119. That I love her...
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120. and we should be together forever.
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121. An engagement ring
says that verbatim.
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122. Well, too bad,
'cause I ain't buyin' one.
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123. Well, I refuse
to put on any more jewelry!
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124. Well, thank God for that!
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125. - Would you like to look around a little more?
- Sure.
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126. And sorry about what I said.
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127. - You look-You look really nice.
- Oh.
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128. Donna. You, me, tonight
at the water tower.
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129. Make yourself foxy, 'cause you're getting
something pretty special.
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130. Really. A present?
I will get foxy.
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131. Oh, and Donna?
Donna, don't forget to wear flats...
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132. so that Eric can feel like the boy.
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133. So, Forman,
you finally broke down, huh?
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134. - What'd you get her? Earrings? A little bracelet?
- No.
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135. I got her way more
than a piece of jewelry.
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136. I got her a gift
that really says something-
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137. a diamond engagement ring.
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138. As a joke?
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139. No. You guys, I'm gonna
ask Donna to marry me.
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140. As a joke?
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141. The stupid helmet?
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142. Why do I have to wear
the stupid helmet?
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143. Because you're stupid!
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144. You can't ask Donna
to marry you, man!
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145. Why not? I mean, come on. We already know
that we're gonna be together forever.
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146. No, you think that you're
gonna be together forever.
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147. Remember how you were worried
about screwing things up?
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148. This your Bay of Pigs, man.
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149. Yeah, even in my country we weren't
stupid enough to get married in high school.
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150. And we eat bugs!
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151. Forman, what the hell
are you thinking?
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152. You don't understand, okay?
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153. I love her. I was down
at the store and I realized-
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154. What am I waiting for?
We're happy.
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155. You don't get engaged
when you're happy!
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156. What's the point? You do it when your
back's against the wall and there's no way out...
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157. like if the girl's pregnant.
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158. It is settled, then.
Eric will get Donna pregnant.
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159. I will oversee the proceedings
for verification purposes.
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160. Ah, but he's so stupid,
how do we know he can do it?
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161. - Jackie, help me out here.
- Well, I think it's beautiful.
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162. Well, then you're crazy too.
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163. Look, Steven.
I am my own woman, okay?
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164. I'm allowed to have opinions about jewelry,
you present hater!
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165. Listen, you guys.
I've thought about this a lot, okay?
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166. Donna's willing to commit four years
of college to me. I wanna commit too.
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167. Forman, I say this to you...
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168. as a friend that likes
to see you get hurt.
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169. If you don't take
that ring back right now...
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170. you are going to end up
in a world of misery and pain.
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171. Hey, I love Donna, okay?
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172. So, did it ever occur to any of you
that I'm ready for a world of misery and pain?
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173. Think about that!
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174. Who wants the last piece of salami?
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175. I'll take it.
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176. Who wants the salami?
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177. - I said, I do.
- ( Laughing )
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178. There you go, Schotzie!
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179. I said, I wanted that.
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180. But he was begging, Red.
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181. We don't turn down beggars.
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182. Do we, Schotzie?
No, we don't!
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183. Okay, you guys know more about
relationships than my moron friends...
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184. - so I have a question about me and Donna.
- No.
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185. No more about you and Donna.
You need to be thinking about your future-
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186. college, getting out of my house.
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187. But... Donna is my future.
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188. Honey, we know you love Donna...
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189. but you two are so
on again and off again.
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190. You're probably gonna be
off again sometime soon.
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191. Won't they, Schotzie?
Yes, they will!
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192. How about a career? Have you even given
thought to what you're gonna do with your life?
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193. - Yes, Donna and I-
- I think he should be a pharmacist.
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194. Now there's an idea.
You can count.
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195. There's no heavy lifting.
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196. You oughta see him try to wrestle
with that big mop down at the store.
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197. - ( Laughing )
- I don't see what any of this
has to do with me and Donna.
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198. Oh, honey, but you would be
such a good pharmacist.
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199. Your slender fingers are perfect
for picking up tiny pills.
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200. Aren't they, Schotzie?
Yes, they are!
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201. ( Laughs )
Did you see that? He just nodded.
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202. Man, everyone's down on me and Donna
getting engaged-you guys, my parents.
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203. Even the Magic 8-Ball said,
"Outlook not so good."
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204. I just- Lo-
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205. I really think Donna
would love an engagement ring.
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206. Oh, she'll love the ring.
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207. It's the thought behind it
that'll send her running for the hills.
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208. Or, maybe she'll see how smart
it is to get married...
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209. when you're still in high school
and have no money or future.
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210. I know I ran when Jackie
wanted to marry me.
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211. 'Cept I ran for California
instead of the hills.
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212. I mean, the beach kicks
the hills's ass!
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213. I mean, there's way more bikinis,
and they usually have a snack bar!
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214. What if you guys are right?
What if she thinks I'm moving too fast?
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215. Man, giving her this ring
is a huge gamble.
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216. Am I man enough to make that bet?
No, no. The answer is no.
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217. You see, Forman?
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218. You tried to do a nice, thoughtful thing,
and you screwed yourself.
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219. It's all about expectations, man.
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220. Like, I've taughtJackie
to think I'm rude and inconsiderate.
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221. I can't disappoint her,
because I'm always disappointing her!
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222. And if I don't give Donna the ring,
what are we gonna do at the water tower?
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223. Oh, God!
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224. I do deserve this!
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225. Does anyone else think
that Schotzie looks like Fez?
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226. That dog is flyin'!
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227. Well, I don't know
what's gotten into Schotzie.
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228. He's so hungry, he went through
three cans of food.
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229. Didn't you, Schotzie?
Yes, I did!
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230. Hey, Bob, hand me
that remote there, will ya?
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231. No, thanks, Red.
I'd have to buckle my belt.
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232. Well, buckle your belt anyway.
No one wants to see that.
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233. Oh, not again!
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234. There we go.
( Grunts )
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235. What the hell?
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236. Oh, crap!
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237. That's it.
That damn dog's gotta go!
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238. I think he just went, Red.
( Cackling )
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239. - Are you laughin', Bob?
- Your bottom's all wet.
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240. That's just plain funny in my book.
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241. Well, he can't stay.
He's makin' everyone miserable.
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242. I don't know. Kitty's seemed pretty
darn happy the past couple of days.
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243. - Yeah, well-
- Look, Red. You did a nice thing.
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244. Don't spoil it by,
you know, being yourself.
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245. I guess if the incontinent little bastard
makes Kitty happy...
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246. I'll put up with it.
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247. What the hell?
I've never been that happy anyway.
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248. At least, not since I've known you.
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249. Yeah.
Weird coincidence, huh?
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250. Okay. Look, you.
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251. I've been thinking about all
your conspiracy mumbo jumbo...
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252. about presents and diamonds
and buying me stuff.
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253. And I realized that all your paranoid,
delusional crap about romance...
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254. is just a cover-up
for you being cheap!
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255. Okay, first of all, it's not paranoid,
delusional crap.
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256. Advertisers spend billions to make you
think I'm a jerk if I don't buy you jewelry.
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257. And second of all, you're right.
I am cheap.
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258. Well, you'd better quit it.
Because I like to get stuff...
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259. especially shiny stuff.
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260. Would you settle for a cheeseburger
wrapped in tinfoil?
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261. Well, for you I will.
But just know...
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262. that I'm really
lowering my standards.
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263. That makes two of us.
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264. Come on.
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265. So? Huh?
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266. This is romantic, huh?
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267. It's a little more romantic
in the summer...
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268. or any time not below freezing.
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269. - So what am I getting?
- What are you getting?
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270. What... are you...
getting?
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271. This is what you're gettin'.
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272. - A candy bar?
- Well, half a candy bar.
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273. I figured, uh, you know,
we could share it under the stars.
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274. What a delightful...
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275. moonlit snack.
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276. Okay, you're being weird,
and it's freezing out here.
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277. Aw, come on.
It's not that cold.
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278. - Uhh.
- ( Chuckles )
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279. - Eric, why are we up here?
- Okay, I'm sorry, Donna.
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280. I had something that I was gonna give you,
but I realized it was stupid.
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281. Or everyone said it was stupid,
so I just decided against it.
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282. - Well, what was it?
- It was nothing.
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283. Well, it was something.
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284. I mean, I can see
that it was something.
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285. - Just tell me.
- Okay, fine.
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286. I was gonna give you this.
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287. - Oh, my God. Is that a-
- Yeah.
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288. Yeah.
It's stupid, right?
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289. - Yeah.
- ( Chuckles )
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290. And... no.
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291. I don't know.
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292. What would you have done with it?
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293. Well, I don't know.
I guess I would have...
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294. told you how beautiful you are...
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295. and that...
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296. you mean everything to me.
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297. And then...
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298. I would've gone down on one knee...
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299. you know, like this.
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300. And I would've taken your hand...
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301. and taken the ring-
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302. Go ahead.
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303. and I would have put the ring
on your finger...
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304. like this.
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305. Wow.
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306. So, uh-
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307. So, I'll tell you what. Uh, why don't
I just hold on to that until...
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308. you know,
until the real moment comes.
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309. Oh, sure.
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310. Or I could hold on to it.
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311. - You could?
- Yeah.
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312. Eric, I love you, and...
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313. I wanna be with you forever.
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314. Yes.
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315. That's what I told everyone...
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316. and... they made me wear
the stupid helmet.
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317. So, um...
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318. - did we just get-
- I think we did.
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319. Donna, I love you.
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320. - We are so stupid!
- I know, right?
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321. Oh, hey. Here comes your dad.
Put the ring in your pocket.
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322. - Why? He'll be happy for us!
- Oh, yeah?
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323. Hey, Mr. Pinciotti,
what would you do if I, say...
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324. - made a long-term commitment to your daughter?
- Oh, I'd kill ya.
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325. You know what?
A secret engagement is even more romantic.
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326. And... more stupid.
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