1. It's the A-bomb!
Duck and cover!
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2. I bet Eric's trying to sneak out.
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3. Red, Red. Wait. Wait.
What if it's a burglar?
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4. What's a burglar
gonna steal from us?
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5. My Shirley Temple figurines.
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6. Oh, I knew I shouldn't have told
Liz Anderson about them.
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7. - Her nephew's been in jail, you know.
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8. Oh! Look at this.
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9. Some guard dog. You know,
we could be trampled by Mongolians.
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10. This thing wouldn't
even wag its tail.
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11. Hey. I-I-I heard a scary noise.
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12. Good God. Are you nude?
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13. No.
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14. - I'm wearing my toga.
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15. - There it is again.
- That's it. I'm gettin' my bat.
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16. All right. Calm down. It's probably
just Steven trying to sneak out.
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17. What if it's not Steven?
What if the burglar has Steven?
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18. Well, then we'll try to talk him
into taking Eric too.
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19. - Okay. Let's do this.
- Look at him.
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20. Bare-assed and holding
a plastic bat.
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21. That's your son, Kitty.
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22. What kind of burglar
robs people on a weeknight?
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23. Doesn't he have a job
to go to in the morning?
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24. - Jackie?
- What the hell?
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25. - Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
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26. Forman, are you naked?
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27. Hello, Wisconsin!
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28. Who the hell do you think you are...
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29. bringing a girl into my house
in the middle of the night?
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30. And right in our basement. We keep
our Christmas decorations down there.
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31. BabyJesus was watching.
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32. - I told you to look where you were going.
- What idiot...
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33. leaves a LEGO set
right in front of the door?
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34. You knocked over
my space command center?
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35. I spent three hours building that.
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36. All right. Now what
is going on in my basement?
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37. Jackie's been sleeping here
the last couple of weeks.
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38. Couple of weeks? This is not
the Playboy Mansion, you know.
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39. - Look, nothing was going on.
- Nothing was going on?
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40. Um, space command centers
were ruined!
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41. Would you please
go put some pants on?
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42. This is where I eat.
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43. Jackie's only been staying here
'cause her dad's in jail...
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44. - and her mom's still not back yet.
- Steven! That's private.
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45. Your mom's not back yet?
You told me she came home.
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46. Could we not talk about this?
I'm fine. Okay? Everything is fine.
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47. - If you need a place-
- No, no, no. I don't need anything.
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48. I'm only here 'cause...
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49. I am such a tramp.
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50. So, I should just go home
and try to control my dirty urges.
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51. Jackie, you're not going home.
There's nobody there.
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52. All right. Look, Jackie.
Tonight you can sleep in Laurie's room...
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53. and then tomorrow, we'll
track down your floozy mother.
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54. Honey, do you have any idea
where she might be?
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55. Well, the last postcard I got had a picture
of some guy with a bone through his nose.
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56. What is that, like, Tennessee?
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57. Hey, Donna.
This just in:
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58. Your weirdo boyfriend
sleeps in the nude.
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59. Yeah? So? I do too.
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60. Oh, yeah!
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61. Oh, I can see it now.
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62. And it is glorious.
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63. Excuse me.
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64. Jackie, I can't believe
your parents are gone.
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65. - I'm so sorry.
- Okay, everybody needs to stop worrying about me.
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66. I'm fine.
I mean, how could I not be?
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67. Mrs. Forman did my hair
and made me smiley-faced pancakes.
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68. Eric, this house is like a shabby hotel
with really great service.
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69. Oh, hey, while you're visiting,
here's my LEGO set and a picture...
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70. of the space command center.
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71. Okay? Get building.
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72. I swear to God, if my three-man escape pod
doesn't fit the star bay...
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73. heads are gonna roll.
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74. I have a question.
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75. If Hyde was in Hyde's bed...
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76. and Jackie was in Hyde's bed...
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77. what exactly was going on
in said bed?
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78. Nothing. She needed
a place to sleep.
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79. "Needed a place to sleep."
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80. Well, a bed is an interesting choice,
now, wouldn't you say?
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81. Oh, shut up, Michael.
It's not like we were doing it.
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82. Oh, come on, Jackie.
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83. You can't sleep in the same bed
with someone and not be doing it.
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84. I've fallen asleep not doin' it
and woken up doin' it.
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85. And that's why they won't
put him to sleep at the dentist.
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86. Guys, I don't know what's
going on with Nina.
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87. I keep asking to meet her parents,
but she keeps making excuses.
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88. It's probably the same reason
I won't let you meet my parents.
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89. She's afraid you're gonna say
something weird and embarrass her.
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90. Oh, please. I'm a hot-looking,
smooth-talking, frisky-assed son-of-a-bitch.
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91. Hey, Fez. Right there.
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92. That's, like-
That's, like, a really weird thing to say.
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93. Yeah, I mean, we're used to you,
but, dude, you're weird.
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94. For Nina to let you
meet her parents-
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95. I think what Kelso's
trying to say is that...
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96. maybe you don't make
the best first impression.
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97. Like, remember the first
time you met my parents?
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98. - Mom, Dad, this is Fez.
- Well, hello there.
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99. He did what?
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100. Yeah, and then it actually got
even more disturbing.
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101. Get this creepy bastard off me!
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102. I never heard that story.
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103. So how was Forman's mom?
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104. Well, at first she was giving me nothing,
but by the end...
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105. she was giving me something.
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106. Yeah! She's spunky!
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107. - Man, I'd kiss your mom.
- Oh, my God.
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108. How could Jackie's mother
abandon her only child?
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109. I have half a mind
to take this public.
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110. We could go on Donahue.
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111. No. Go on Carson. He's funnier.
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112. One time, the animal guy was on...
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113. his parrot dooked
right on Johnny's head.
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114. Dad, I think you're
missing the point.
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115. We need to find Jackie
someplace to stay, you know...
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116. where she won't be all alone.
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117. I can get her a room
at the hotel I work at.
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118. No, Jackie is not staying in a hotel.
We have an empty room right here.
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119. Kitty, every time we have an empty room,
you wanna fill it up with a stray child.
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120. You're like the old lady
who lived in a shoe.
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121. Did you just call me "old"?
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122. Okay. Okay.
Here's what I think.
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123. Oh, hey, everybody!
Mr. Nude has an opinion.
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124. I'm sure we're all interested
in what Mr. Nude has to say.
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125. Floor's all yours...
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126. Mr. Nude.
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127. - Never mind.
- I guess he was just thinkin'...
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128. about bein' nude.
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129. What is wrong with you people?
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130. There is nothing funny about a teenaged girl
whose mother abandoned her.
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131. You know, we're allJackie's got.
We can't just turn our backs on her.
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132. Donna, you're right.
You tellJackie she can stay with us.
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133. What? No. No, she can't
stay with us.
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134. - Sure. She can stay in your room with you.
- But-
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135. Oh, you're all gonna pay for this!
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136. I can't believe my dad's making me ask
Jackie to move in with us.
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137. This is gonna be a nightmare.
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138. "Donna, where's your spirit?"
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139. "Donna, you're still hungry?"
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140. "Donna, your lumberjack head
is blocking out the sun."
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141. You know, I'm not too big.
She is too small.
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142. Okay, just for the record...
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143. I don't sleep nude
for any disgusting reason.
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144. I'm just a hot sleeper.
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145. Okay, I'm not a hot sleeper.
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146. I'm 17 years old.
I sleep right next door to the girl I love.
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147. Things occur to me. Okay?
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148. If I'm already nude, you know-
It just saves time.
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149. Guys, Nina agreed
to let me meet her parents.
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150. And to seem completely normal...
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151. I've come up with the perfect opening line
for Nina's mother.
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152. "Hello, Mrs. Bartel.
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153. I can see where Nina
gets her lovely ass."
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154. You're so weird, man.
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155. You know what?
There's a way around that.
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156. I'm gonna make you so beautiful...
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157. that Nina's parents don't notice
how freakin' weird you are.
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158. Bein' beautiful-That's how
I get away with stuff.
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159. Except my problem is
I gotta tone it down...
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160. 'cause otherwise the chick's
mom gets interested.
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161. Then we got a big problem.
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162. Let's make you man-pretty.
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163. Okay. I've been thinking
about what to do with Jackie.
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164. I think we're overlooking
the mobile home option.
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165. Okay? You could park her
right in the driveway...
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166. and we'll all know she's safe
in her own little, steel box.
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167. Donna, you have to let her
stay with you.
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168. Come on.
She's your best friend.
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169. She's not my best friend.
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170. Well, then, who's your best friend?
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171. Oh, crap! How the hell
did that happen?
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172. Oh, look. Mr. Nude is helping.
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173. Mr. Nude, huh?
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174. That was my nickname in college.
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175. Dad, you didn't go to college.
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176. Didn't stop me
from gettin' a nickname.
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177. You all gonna be here for this?
I don't thinkJackie's gonna be cool with that.
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178. Well, Steven,
everybody needs support.
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179. Like this one time,
I left the supermarket in a really bad mood...
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180. and then I met these very nice people,
the Hare Krishnas.
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181. They sang me a song.
They gave me some rice.
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182. It was just the little pickup
I needed.
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183. You know, if I hadn't had to make dinner,
I might've gotten into their van.
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184. Yeah, those freaks
were hasslin' me once too.
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185. So when they weren't lookin',
I stole five boxes ofThin Mints.
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186. Kelso, those were Girl Scouts.
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187. Whatever, man.
They were pushy.
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188. Here comes Jackie.
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189. Well, I think this is a big mistake.
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190. When this blows up in your face,
don't come lookin' for me.
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191. I'll be bustin' up Forman's
space station again.
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192. Jackie! Jackie, Donna has something
she wants to ask you.
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193. - Donna.
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194. So, Jackie, we were all thinking...
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195. that you might come
stay with me for awhile...
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196. since you're having
such a hard time right now.
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197. God! I'm so sick of this!
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198. I don't have hard times!
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199. I'm Jackie Burkhart.
I got voted head cheerleader...
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200. by the largest margin
in cheerleader history.
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201. I have a wonderful life.
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202. - Yeah, but, Jackie, your dad's in prison,
and your mom-
- I'm sorry, Donna...
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203. but you're just not popular
enough for me to live with.
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204. I'm not popular enough?
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205. I was doing you a favor,
'cause I felt bad for you.
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206. Well, don't. Okay? I don't need to be
your good deed for the day.
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207. Fine. There's the door. Don't let it hit
your popular, little butt on the way out.
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208. F-Fine.
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209. Well, that was pretty hot.
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210. And that is how you make a canoe
out of banana skins.
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211. Oh!
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212. They love me. See?
There's nothing to worry about.
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213. - Great. Then we should get going.
- Oh! Oh! Don't go.
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214. Oh, it's such a pleasure having
someone so exotic in our home.
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215. We're so happy that Nina
has made a friend of you, Fez.
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216. Well, maybe it's because I'm so handsome
and not at all creepy.
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217. And, by the way, I see where
Nina gets her lovely ass.
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218. Hey, I was talking to you,
Mr. Bartel.
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219. Oh, my!
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220. Honey, you are really broadening
your horizons.
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221. Having a friend like this is gonna look great
on your college application.
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222. Yes. We always enjoy
meeting Nina's friends.
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223. You keep calling me her "friend."
Don't you mean, her "boyfriend"?
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224. Boyfriend?
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225. - What's so funny?
- You can't be her boyfriend.
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226. - Why not?
- Because you're-What's the word, honey?
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227. - "Different"?
- Okay. Different.
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228. Oh, I see.
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229. - You mean, "not white."
- Fez, no.
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230. I think I'll be leaving now.
Good day.
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231. - Fez, wait.
- I said, "Good day."
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232. By the way, I hope you do not
have a good day.
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233. And then when I asked her to live with me,
she said I'm not freakin' popular.
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234. Am I not on the radio
all the time as "Hot Donna"?
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235. Okay? There are "Hot Donna" posters
all over town, objectifying me.
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236. Is Jackie being objectified?
No!
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237. She only said that 'cause you embarrassed
her in a roomful of people.
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238. It was like a damn telethon in there.
The only thing missing was Jerry Lewis.
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239. So, what, it's my fault,
'cause I didn't ask her right?
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240. Okay. How about when your mom left?
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241. Think how you would've felt
if you walked into a roomful of people...
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242. everyone's talking about how sad
your life is and how much they pity you.
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243. - Yeah. I guess I get that.
- I'm just sayin' that...
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244. Jackie needs a place to stay,
and it'd be really cool...
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245. if you can ask her in a way
that doesn't make her feel bad.
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246. Fine.
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247. But she didn't have to
call me "unpopular." Okay?
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248. Unpopular girls don't get free Slurpees
from Tommy at the 7-Eleven.
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249. Donna, two years ago, Tommy tried to jump
a school bus on his moped.
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250. He didn't make it,
and now he gives everyone free Slurpees.
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251. So you see, Jackie, the reason I asked you
to stay with me before...
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252. is because, well, you were right.
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253. I am unpopular.
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254. Go on.
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255. I'm, um, too tall...
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256. and-and red hair is gross.
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257. And, well, if I don't
do something soon...
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258. my unpopularity is gonna
follow me to college-
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259. unless you help.
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260. Please come stay with me.
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261. Jackie-
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262. Help me be more like you.
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263. Well, as long as everybody knows
I'm doing it for you...
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264. - I'll do it.
- Great.
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265. Hey, Donna. Thank you.
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266. - You're welcome.
- Okay. First things first.
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267. If you wanna be more popular,
you're gonna have to break up with Eric.
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268. What?
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269. You know, I have been called many
names since coming to this country...
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270. but I have never been
treated like that before.
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271. Look, Fez...
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272. unfortunately, there are
some people in this world...
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273. that are gonna judge you
on the color of your skin...
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274. or your funny accent...
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275. or that girlie little way you run.
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276. But you know what?
You're not alone.
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277. Why do you think
the Martians won't land here?
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278. 'Cause they're green, and they know people
are gonna make fun of'em.
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279. You said it, brother.
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280. I just wish there were someplace
in the world where prejudice didn't exist.
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281. Huh.
Well, that's Canada.
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282. Yup.
Good old Canada.
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283. They don't make
generalizations about people...
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284. 'cause they're too busy
playing hockey or gettin' drunk...
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285. or putting maple syrup on their ham.
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286. - Fez, we need to talk.
- Hey! He might not be from this country...
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287. but he's beautiful, damn it!
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288. Nina, our relationship is over.
My self-respect demands it...
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289. and there's nothing you can say
to make me change my mind.
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290. My parents are jerks. I wanna get back
at them by doing it with you on their bed.
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291. Except that.
Thanks, Kelso.
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292. Fire! Fire!
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293. - What are you doing?
- Well, look at this.
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294. Mr. Nude is still nude.
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295. - You're nuts.
- Wow.
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296. Strong words from Mr. Nude.
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297. We're doin' this every night
until you put on some bottoms.
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298. Fire!
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299. Fire!
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