1. So, Hyde, big job fair tomorrow.Copy !req
2. Oh, and you're in luck,
'cause I read that corporate America...Copy !req
3. is experiencing a severe shortage
of paranoid conspiracy nuts.Copy !req
4. I'm not a conspiracy nut, okay?Copy !req
5. My history, shop and gym teachers...Copy !req
6. secretly started that rumor
to discredit me.Copy !req
7. I do need a job though
since the Fotohut shut down.Copy !req
8. And I'm never gonna get my pictures back,
which is a real shame...Copy !req
9. 'cause they'll never let me
under the bleachers anymore.Copy !req
10. You need a job too, Eric...Copy !req
11. since you just got fired from
your last job by your own daddy.Copy !req
12. Well, at least my daddy's
not in jail for bribery.Copy !req
13. Okay. So get this.Copy !req
14. The radio station I work at...Copy !req
15. wants me to work
their job-fair booth as "Hot Donna."Copy !req
16. All right? As if I'm some object
for guys to leer at. God.Copy !req
17. - Oh, my God! Spank me!
- Oh, mama!Copy !req
18. I guess being beautiful
has its benefits.Copy !req
19. Hey, shut up.
I'm embarrassed.Copy !req
20. I'm talkin' about me, Donna.Copy !req
21. And the best thing about being beautiful
is I can get work as a model.Copy !req
22. So I don't have to go to the job fair
like the rest of you "uggos."Copy !req
23. Well, I cannot wait.Copy !req
24. Nina will be at the D.M.V. Booth,
which means that Fez...Copy !req
25. will be making out
during a school day.Copy !req
26. How many of you suckers have
made out during a school day?Copy !req
27. How many of you suckers have made out
during a school day in the nude?Copy !req
28. Then I will be nude.Copy !req
29. - Oh, my God!
- What? What?Copy !req
30. I got startled, 'cause I caught a glimpse
of myself in the mirror.Copy !req
31. I'm so handsome, I thought Shaun Cassidy
was sitting in the backseat.Copy !req
32. Yes. You are a beautiful
male specimen.Copy !req
33. Except you have a gray hair.Copy !req
34. What?Copy !req
35. No, I don't-Copy !req
36. - Dude, I hit a cop car.Copy !req
37. Hello, Wisconsin!Copy !req
38. All right, Eric.
Listen up.Copy !req
39. You know how your mother and I feel
about you and Donna getting engaged.Copy !req
40. But since you won't listen to reason,
I've come to a decision.Copy !req
41. If you don't cancel
this engagement...Copy !req
42. I'm not paying for your college.Copy !req
43. What?Copy !req
44. Because he loves you.Copy !req
45. No, he doesn't.Copy !req
46. Yes, he does.
He's full of love.Copy !req
47. But it's buried, just like treasure.Copy !req
48. - Dad, how could you do this?
- Oh, it's easy.Copy !req
49. Instead of giving $4,000
to a college...Copy !req
50. I leave my checkbook in the drawer,
count my money...Copy !req
51. and laugh like a little girl.Copy !req
52. Fine.Copy !req
53. - He laughs because he loves you!Copy !req
54. Where did you learn
your parenting skills?Copy !req
55. Korea.Copy !req
56. Kitty, I am right about this.Copy !req
57. Red, you can't just force people
to do what you want.Copy !req
58. Oh, see, that's one of those things
that people say that's just not true.Copy !req
59. Like, "There's no place like home."Copy !req
60. Hell, I can think of
a hundred places better than this.Copy !req
61. - I cannot believe you hit a police car.Copy !req
62. Now, don't worry.
It's a hot lady cop.Copy !req
63. Just watch the master.Copy !req
64. License and registration.Copy !req
65. Yeah. Just give me a sec here.Copy !req
66. My wallet gets stuck,
'cause I've been working out.Copy !req
67. My leg muscles are huge.Copy !req
68. Oh, boy. By the way,
I can bench about 220...Copy !req
69. so that'd be about
two of you, little lady.Copy !req
70. What's your name?Copy !req
71. Oh, my name is Fez,
but I have a girlfriend...Copy !req
72. so you need to cool it, little girl.Copy !req
73. Yeah. I'll try.Copy !req
74. Okay, Mr. Kelso.Copy !req
75. I'm gonna issue you a citation.Copy !req
76. Oh, a citation for being
too foxy in a school zone?Copy !req
77. No. A citation for $64.Copy !req
78. Bench-press that.Copy !req
79. So if we don't break off the engagement,
Red's not gonna pay for my college.Copy !req
80. You know, maybe this is it, Eric.
Maybe Red won.Copy !req
81. No. No, okay?Copy !req
82. He's not gonna win.Copy !req
83. You know what? I'll just look
for something full-time at the job fair.Copy !req
84. - I'll pay for college myself. People do that, right?
- Yeah, people with skills.Copy !req
85. - But I mean, you're cute. That's a skill.
- Stop.Copy !req
86. How can Red do this to me?Copy !req
87. I swear to God,
that man is always mad.Copy !req
88. I think the gene for joy
might be stored in hair.Copy !req
89. Well, there are a lot
of angry bald men.Copy !req
90. Yul Brynner in The K/ng and I.Copy !req
91. Yes. Mr. Freeze from Batman.Copy !req
92. - Remember that time Robin foiled his deep freeze-
- Eric.Copy !req
93. What did we talk about?Copy !req
94. - Every time I reference Batman,
I owe you a geek dollar.
- Yes. Thank you.Copy !req
95. Guys, something horrible happened.Copy !req
96. Let me tell it.Copy !req
97. Kelso tried to charm a lady cop,
and it didn't work.Copy !req
98. But she was all over me, boy.Copy !req
99. I'm like freaking catnip.Copy !req
100. Guys, today made me
realize looks fade!Copy !req
101. I'm not- I'm not gonna be able
to be a model forever!Copy !req
102. I'm gonna have to get
a practical, realistic job...Copy !req
103. like regular, ugly people.Copy !req
104. Okay, so what sounds better-
wide receiver or spy?Copy !req
105. Well, Kelso, I don't see why you
couldn't just do both.Copy !req
106. You're right.
It's the perfect cover.Copy !req
107. Okay. Okay, everybody!Copy !req
108. This is your last school
field trip, so smile!Copy !req
109. Okay, now wave hello to your futures.
Hello, futures!Copy !req
110. Okay, now wave good-bye
to your mothers who loved you...Copy !req
111. and gave you the best years
of their lives.Copy !req
112. Now what are they gonna do?
What? Tell me what I am supposed to do!Copy !req
113. You're supposed to take your little, yellow pill.
That's what you're supposed to do.Copy !req
114. Man, look at this place.
There's tons of butt-ugly people.Copy !req
115. One day I'm gonna be one of'em.Copy !req
116. Man, I can't do this.Copy !req
117. Being around this many
corporate stooges.Copy !req
118. I can't breathe!Copy !req
119. Steven, stop it!
This is serious.Copy !req
120. If you keep pulling at cotton
like that, it won't rebound.Copy !req
121. Well, I'm off to find Nina
for a little field-trip make out.Copy !req
122. How many of you suckers have
made out during a field trip?Copy !req
123. What the hell? Was I the only one
watching sausage get made?Copy !req
124. Well, lookee here.Copy !req
125. You know, if America's employers
are looking for a pretty-boy moron...Copy !req
126. an engaged hophead
and a mush-mouthed foreigner...Copy !req
127. they're gonna be jumpin' for joy.Copy !req
128. Wait a minute.
Am I the pretty-boy moron?Copy !req
129. - Yes.
- Cool, 'cause that's the best one.Copy !req
130. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
131. - So, you're ready for the big job search?
- Yup.Copy !req
132. I got my résumé,
my very best blazer...Copy !req
133. and a really charming story
about how my biggest fault...Copy !req
134. is that I just work
too darn hard, so-Copy !req
135. - How 'bout you?
- I don't know. This is so humiliating.Copy !req
136. I mean, I have a brain, you know.Copy !req
137. 2,000 records sorted
by artist and genre.Copy !req
138. I didn't do that with my boobs.Copy !req
139. That'd be a neat trick though.Copy !req
140. I've always been fascinated by the veterinary
sciences. Do you have any jobs available?Copy !req
141. Yes. We need someone to usher our
four-legged friends into the next life.Copy !req
142. All right. That sounds fantastic.
And how do I do that?Copy !req
143. You shovel the carcass
into the furnace.Copy !req
144. I've always been fascinated
by transportation.Copy !req
145. - Do you have any jobs available?
- Yes, roadkill remover.Copy !req
146. Except sometimes
the critter's not quite dead.Copy !req
147. In that case, you gotta shoot it.
You're the "triggerman."Copy !req
148. I've always been fascinated by...Copy !req
149. meat.Copy !req
150. - Do you have any jobs available?
- Yes. Triggerman.Copy !req
151. Please tell me you're kidding.Copy !req
152. The cows don't kill themselves, son.Copy !req
153. Although I did see one
walk right off a cliff once.Copy !req
154. Stock boy.
Need a stock boy.Copy !req
155. Not you.Copy !req
156. So, if I work here...Copy !req
157. will I have to slaughter anything?Copy !req
158. No, we're a bank.Copy !req
159. We're looking for tellers.Copy !req
160. Uh, just to be perfectly clear...Copy !req
161. I won't have to murder any animals?Copy !req
162. Whatever you do on your own time
is fine with us.Copy !req
163. Hello, First Midwestern!Copy !req
164. Hi. I'm Jackie, and this is Steven.Copy !req
165. Steven is a no-nonsense
Sagittarius...Copy !req
166. who's not afraid of
hard work or true love.Copy !req
167. I'm Dave, a shy Pisces
who's looking for love...Copy !req
168. and a salesman
to sell on commission.Copy !req
169. - The more you sell, the more you can earn.
- That's perfect for him!Copy !req
170. Steven, if you can get me to date you,
you can sell anything.Copy !req
171. Uh, thanks, but no, thanks.Copy !req
172. Wait-Copy !req
173. Are you nuts?
That guy almost offered me a job!Copy !req
174. - So, what's wrong?
- Did you hear him?Copy !req
175. "The more you sell,
the more you earn"?Copy !req
176. The more you sleep, the more you earn.
That's my job.Copy !req
177. Damn, woman!Copy !req
178. So, Nina, after walking
around the job fair...Copy !req
179. and hearing the word "job" a lot...Copy !req
180. it gave me needs.Copy !req
181. No. We're at a job fair.Copy !req
182. Please don't say that word.Copy !req
183. I can't go far from my booth.
It's my job.Copy !req
184. Stop it.Copy !req
185. Hi.Copy !req
186. One of your officers
recently issued me a ticket.Copy !req
187. - My name is Michael Kelso.
- Michael Kelso.Copy !req
188. Wait a minute.
Officer Debbie?Copy !req
189. Oh, my God!
What happened to you?Copy !req
190. You're like your own ugly sister!Copy !req
191. What do you want, Mr. Kelso?Copy !req
192. What do I want? I want to know how
one minute you're all "waa-waa"...Copy !req
193. and the next you're all-Copy !req
194. - Good cripes!
- Hey, now-Copy !req
195. I'm just saying, in your uniform
you were, like, a totally hot police chick...Copy !req
196. but out of your uniform
you're a total pie face.Copy !req
197. I mean, good God!Copy !req
198. Wait a minute.Copy !req
199. It's, like, you got all your charisma
from your uniform.Copy !req
200. What is happening to you?
Are you having a stroke? What?Copy !req
201. No, that's just how I look
when I have an idea.Copy !req
202. To Eddie.Copy !req
203. Love, Hot Donna.Copy !req
204. Hot Donna has now signed 87 guys!Copy !req
205. And two girls.Copy !req
206. It's, like, who knew,
in our little town?Copy !req
207. Well, I can see you...Copy !req
208. got over your little
bout of shyness.Copy !req
209. Well, what the hell? They think I'm hot.
And you know what?Copy !req
210. - Hot Donna rules!Copy !req
211. So, great news.
I got a job at First Midwestern Bank.Copy !req
212. Oh, my God! Eric.Copy !req
213. I know. And they have
branches all over Wisconsin.Copy !req
214. So wherever you go to school,
I'll have a job.Copy !req
215. I'll save some money.
I can start school, like, a year after you.Copy !req
216. And I don't even have to
slaughter animals.Copy !req
217. Was that ever an option?Copy !req
218. Ah, apparently it's the invisible industry
of Point Place, yeah.Copy !req
219. I'm actually surprised the streets
aren't running red with blood.Copy !req
220. Well, Steven,
it is obvious you don't want a job.Copy !req
221. No. I was just holding out for one
that has a cash register...Copy !req
222. with a lock that's very,
very easy to jimmy.Copy !req
223. - Oh, God! Excuse me.
- Oh, it's okay. I probably deserved it.Copy !req
224. - Roy.
- Steven?Copy !req
225. Hey, man.
Long time no see.Copy !req
226. When my dad left, my mom signed me up
for the Big Brother program, and I got Roy.Copy !req
227. We had some good times
before you left town.Copy !req
228. - Yeah, and moved in with a wonderful woman.
- Oh. What happened?Copy !req
229. She found out I was livin' there.Copy !req
230. Roy has some problems with people.Copy !req
231. They don't like me. Yeah.
You don't like me, right?Copy !req
232. Not really.Copy !req
233. But to be fair, I have
very high standards.Copy !req
234. Yeah?
She's really nice, Steven.Copy !req
235. Hey, so what are you doing here?Copy !req
236. I work here.
Hotel kitchen manager.Copy !req
237. I was gonna put out word
that we were lookin' for a cook...Copy !req
238. but then I figured, why bother?Copy !req
239. They'll just leave me
like everybody else.Copy !req
240. So, Roy, seem a little
depressed there.Copy !req
241. Yeah, I'm teetering on the brink.Copy !req
242. Maybe I can do something
to cheer you up.Copy !req
243. Really?Copy !req
244. Oh, that'd be great.Copy !req
245. So I'm on the Golden Gate Bridge...Copy !req
246. and everyone's tellin' me to jump.Copy !req
247. I was just out for a jog.Copy !req
248. Okay, Roy, here's what
I'm gonna do for you.Copy !req
249. I'm gonna take that job as cook
and keep you company...Copy !req
250. on two conditions-Copy !req
251. I'm not gonna work very hard,
and you're gonna have to pay me a lot.Copy !req
252. But, man, it'll be a bargain considering
the money you save on hookers and shrinks.Copy !req
253. Great. And if it's work-related,
I can call you at home.Copy !req
254. Now I have a reason to get a phone.Copy !req
255. Steven, you're a chef!Copy !req
256. If you can learn to make those fancy
deviled-egg thingies...Copy !req
257. I will lose my frickin' mind!Copy !req
258. So, how's the day going?Copy !req
259. Well, let's see. I interviewed
15 potential employees-Copy !req
260. 10 dumb-asses...Copy !req
261. four cretins and a mama's boy.Copy !req
262. I vote for the mama's boy.
I think they're sweet.Copy !req
263. Hey, Dad! Guess what.Copy !req
264. I got a job at First Midwestern,
so Donna and I can stay engaged.Copy !req
265. I'll work, she'll study. In a few years,
I can pay for my own tuition.Copy !req
266. Yea! I win!Copy !req
267. Great news!Copy !req
268. I'm gonna be a cop!Copy !req
269. No. No, listen.
It's perfect for me.Copy !req
270. The uniform will keep me looking hot
even when I'm old.Copy !req
271. And plus, I love helping people.Copy !req
272. No, you love humping people.Copy !req
273. Eric, a lot of times
humping /s helping.Copy !req
274. So, you're really gonna be a cop?Copy !req
275. Well, he did shoot me,
so we know he's good with guns.Copy !req
276. And you just know they're gonna
partner him up with a dog.Copy !req
277. Actually, you know what?
It's kind of perfect.Copy !req
278. He'll get to run through
people's backyards with a stick.Copy !req
279. He does that anyway.Copy !req
280. The important thing is,
is that I'll be performing...Copy !req
281. a very valuable community service.Copy !req
282. And plus, I'll be sexy forever.Copy !req
283. I mean, just think about it.Copy !req
284. Nobody move!
This is a robbery.Copy !req
285. Not in my town, dirtbag.Copy !req
286. Oh, Officer, not only did you perform
a valuable community service...Copy !req
287. you'll be sexy forever!Copy !req
288. All in a day's work, ma'am. Let's get you
into something a little more comfortable.Copy !req
289. - But I'm already in a bikini.
- I know.Copy !req
290. Kelso, you do realize
you'll have to help ugly people too.Copy !req
291. Nah-uh.
I'll just leave that for the fat cops.Copy !req
292. - Hey.Copy !req
293. I just got off the phone
with the bank.Copy !req
294. I didn't get the job because
someone gave me a bad reference.Copy !req
295. And then I thought to myself...Copy !req
296. "Hmm. I've only had one boss-you!"Copy !req
297. I can't believe you blackballed
your own son!Copy !req
298. As usual, I don't know
what the hell you're talking about.Copy !req
299. So you're not even man enough to admit it?
You know what I think?Copy !req
300. You're a bitter, old man
who's so miserable in his life...Copy !req
301. that you have to make everyone
else just as miserable as you are!Copy !req
302. - You're pathetic!
- Honey.Copy !req
303. Your father didn't call
the bank manager. I did.Copy !req
304. Mom, please stay out of this.Copy !req
305. What was that?Copy !req
306. - I gave you the bad reference.
- Oh.Copy !req
307. Then, uh-Copy !req
308. I'm just kidding.Copy !req
309. Eric, if you take a bank job
and put off school...Copy !req
310. you'll never go to college,
and the bank manager agreed with me.Copy !req
311. Plus, I told him
you were bad at math.Copy !req
312. So there's no job money
to pay for college...Copy !req
313. no money from you guys
to go to college.Copy !req
314. Wow. I guess we're really hoping
for that football scholarship, huh?Copy !req
315. I have a compromise.Copy !req
316. Your father and I
will pay for college...Copy !req
317. if you and Donna will agree to just put off
your engagement for one year.Copy !req
318. I'm not compromising anything!Copy !req
319. He said some hurtful things.Copy !req
320. No. I'm sick of being controlled
by both of you guys.Copy !req
321. You guys can keep your money,
okay, 'cause guess what!Copy !req
322. I don't want it.Copy !req
323. Ma'am! Sir!Copy !req
324. We got a call about
a domestic disturbance.Copy !req
325. Get out of here.Copy !req
326. Okay, but if I gotta come back out here,
somebody's going downtown.Copy !req
327. Well, quit it.
I'm just practicing.Copy !req
328. A-And this is the pantry.Copy !req
329. If you ever get really depressed,
it's a good place to go and cry.Copy !req
330. Also, it's where
we keep the mustard.Copy !req
331. All right. Cool. Well, uh,
I guess I'll see you on Monday.Copy !req
332. - Okay!Copy !req
333. Okay, man. Okay, Roy.Copy !req
334. Get off me!Copy !req
335. Oh, I almost forgot to show you
the walk-in freezer.Copy !req
336. A little privacy, please!Copy !req