1. - Oh, Wanda.
- Oh, Derek.Copy !req
2. - Oh, Wanda.
- Yes, Derek?Copy !req
3. You're not just
my next-door neighbor.Copy !req
4. You're also
the love of my life.Copy !req
5. Derek, I, too, have strong
feelings of love for you...Copy !req
6. but I have to give back
this promise ball and chain.Copy !req
7. I must leave
Point Upon the Place...Copy !req
8. and explore the world
with my trusty cat named Sir Bonkers.Copy !req
9. No.Copy !req
10. I'll never let you go.Copy !req
11. - You can't make me stay.
- Oh, no?Copy !req
12. What if I told you that I've run over
the cat named Sir Bonkers...Copy !req
13. and the cat named
Sir Bonkers is no more?Copy !req
14. Now submit
and be my wife!Copy !req
15. Derek, once you were
a kind, peaceful man...Copy !req
16. but love
has made you wicked.Copy !req
17. Oh, I am wicked.Copy !req
18. And until you agree
to be my wife...Copy !req
19. I will scour the earth
in search of cats named "Sir Bonkers"...Copy !req
20. and I will kill
them all!Copy !req
21. Or at very least,
spray them with water...Copy !req
22. which everyone knows
they hate.Copy !req
23. I can't believe Donna would
publish this in the school paper.Copy !req
24. I know. This could be in Reader's Digest.
It's that good.Copy !req
25. Oh, this is the worst short story by
an ex-girlfriend in a school newspaper ever.Copy !req
26. Well, if it isn't Playboy reading,
panty-loving, cat-killing Derek.Copy !req
27. I know.
How could Donna write this?Copy !req
28. Why are you upset? It's this Derek
guy who really gets the shaft.Copy !req
29. Fez, I am Derek.Copy !req
30. Everything always
has to be about you.Copy !req
31. Fez, man, think about it.Copy !req
32. Eric killed Donna's cat.
Derek killed Wanda's cat.Copy !req
33. Donna found panties
in Eric's Vista Cruiser.Copy !req
34. Wanda found a chastity belt
in Derek's Vista Carriage.Copy !req
35. Hey, you guys, you know what goes
really good with a bad short story?Copy !req
36. Pinball!Copy !req
37. - No. I hate pinball.
- Hate it or love it?Copy !req
38. - Hate it.
- Or love it?Copy !req
39. Come on, guys. I'm gonna buy a
50-dollar stake in this machine...Copy !req
40. so let's play
so I can make some money.Copy !req
41. Where'd you get $50?Copy !req
42. - From Jackie.
- Hey.Copy !req
43. Oh, hey, Jackie.
Can I borrow $50?Copy !req
44. - For what?
- To buy a dress for you.Copy !req
45. Okay.Copy !req
46. Wait a minute.Copy !req
47. Eric, Derek.Copy !req
48. Panties, chastity belt.Copy !req
49. Dead cat, dead cat.Copy !req
50. Oh-ho-ho!
I still got nothing.Copy !req
51. Come on, Red.Copy !req
52. Bob really wants us to meet
his new lady friend.Copy !req
53. Now, think about it,
Kitty.Copy !req
54. She likes Bob.Copy !req
55. I have a hard time believing
this woman even exists.Copy !req
56. We're gonna get over there,
Bob's gonna be sittin' in a rocker...Copy !req
57. with a lady's wig on.Copy !req
58. "You look lovely
tonight, Bob."Copy !req
59. "So do you, Bob."Copy !req
60. You've been working on that
all day, haven't you?Copy !req
61. Yeah.Copy !req
62. Red, Kitty, I'd like you to meet
a very special lady... Joanne.Copy !req
63. Well, Joanne,
it is so nice to meet you.Copy !req
64. - Right, Red?
- We can't stay long.Copy !req
65. Ah, Red. Bob warned me
you can be a pain in the ass.Copy !req
66. Well, I'll tell you what.
We'll just have dinner...Copy !req
67. and if it turns out you don't like me,
we'll never invite you over again.Copy !req
68. Really?
I like you already.Copy !req
69. Well, let's get this barbecue started.
Bob, grab that meat.Copy !req
70. Oh, I got it, Red.
Why don't you fellas make a salad?Copy !req
71. Salad.Copy !req
72. Oh, you're serious.Copy !req
73. No, see, Bob and I
do the grilling.Copy !req
74. Not this time.
Kitty, you wanna give me a hand?Copy !req
75. - Well, I'd love to.
- Oh, I don't think...Copy !req
76. But, Kitty, you might...Copy !req
77. set your lovely hair
on fire.Copy !req
78. Well, it can't be that hard.
You do it.Copy !req
79. Bob, what the hell's
goin' on here?Copy !req
80. Look, Red,
I really like this woman...Copy !req
81. so please, for today,
just shut it.Copy !req
82. Shut it?Copy !req
83. Good God, Bob!Copy !req
84. Is she teaching you
to stand up for yourself?Copy !req
85. - Yes.
- Well, cut it out!Copy !req
86. I want to have a nice time.
Come on.Copy !req
87. I'll give you first dibs
on the aprons.Copy !req
88. You want the fake tuxedo
or the fake hairy chest?Copy !req
89. Oh, damn it.
Give me the tuxedo!Copy !req
90. Whoo-hoo! Hairy chest is Joanne's favorite.Copy !req
91. It's probably
'cause she's got one.Copy !req
92. Ah! Well, if it isn't
the wielder of the poison pen.Copy !req
93. - Didn't you like my story?
- No. No, I didn't.Copy !req
94. That's why I said
"poison pen"...Copy !req
95. not... "marshmallow pen."Copy !req
96. What?Copy !req
97. - This story is about us.
- No, it's not.Copy !req
98. You took stuff from our life
and put 'em in your story.Copy !req
99. Like the time you found
those Playboys under my bed.Copy !req
100. Begone, Sir Bonkers.Copy !req
101. Derek, look what I found
under your bed.Copy !req
102. Lewd renderings of
naked serving wenches.Copy !req
103. Did you commission these?Copy !req
104. So what if I did?
I have needs, woman.Copy !req
105. Now, ready thyself.
On this night... we fornicate.Copy !req
106. Okay, well, maybe there
are some similarities.Copy !req
107. But that's what writers do.
I mean, we take stuff from our lives.Copy !req
108. Yeah, but you made me mean all the time,
and that's mean.Copy !req
109. Okay, maybe I exaggerated
some stuff...Copy !req
110. 'cause, you know, I'm writing
this for stupid high school girls.Copy !req
111. Oh, my God!
Great story!Copy !req
112. Michael, Steven just told me
that instead of buying me a dress...Copy !req
113. you spent my $50
on this stupid machine.Copy !req
114. Jackie, I did not.Copy !req
115. Oh, yeah, I did.Copy !req
116. Jackie, listen.
There's an old saying:Copy !req
117. You buy a girl a dress,
and she looks pretty for one night.Copy !req
118. But you buy her boyfriend a pinball machine,
and she looks pretty for life.Copy !req
119. Okay, there's another
old saying, Michael:Copy !req
120. You're dumb as dirt.Copy !req
121. That's true.
That was in the yearbook.Copy !req
122. Okay, okay. All right.
Listen, listen.Copy !req
123. So, I bought a half stake
in this machine, all right?Copy !req
124. So that means for every quarter
I put into it, I get half back.Copy !req
125. That's a 50% profit!Copy !req
126. Uh, actually, Kelso,
I think that's a 50% loss.Copy !req
127. Fez, I know it's hard
for a foreigner...Copy !req
128. to understand our complicated
capitalist system.Copy !req
129. But we're dealing with quarters here,
not frogs or chickens.Copy !req
130. Well, I'm not going to dignify
that with a response...Copy !req
131. because I can't
think of one.Copy !req
132. But when I do,
a good day to you.Copy !req
133. - All right, Fez. Y...
- I said, kiss my ass.Copy !req
134. So, you still mad?Copy !req
135. No. No reason to be mad.Copy !req
136. Your story is just a pathetic attempt to
rewrite history and make yourself look good.Copy !req
137. I'm pretty sure everyone's gonna know
who the dill-hole is here.Copy !req
138. Eric, it's just a story.Copy !req
139. No one's gonna think
anybody's a dill-hole.Copy !req
140. - Cat killer!
- Bastard!Copy !req
141. Porn freak!Copy !req
142. Okay, they could be
talking about anybody.Copy !req
143. Hey, we're all
porn-freak bastards...Copy !req
144. but he's the only one
who killed a cat.Copy !req
145. Okay, okay. This school obviously needs
to hear the Eric Forman version of things...Copy !req
146. A.K.A. The truth.Copy !req
147. So I'm gonna write my own story.
Yeah. Yeah, that's right.Copy !req
148. I'm throwing down
the gauntlet, baby.Copy !req
149. Really? Okay, smarty,
what's a gauntlet?Copy !req
150. A gauntlet?
What's a gauntlet?Copy !req
151. What's a gauntlet?Copy !req
152. I don't know,
but it's down, lady.Copy !req
153. Boy, this chicken's delish. What a chef.Copy !req
154. You really know your way
around a grill, Joanne.Copy !req
155. Mine's dry.Copy !req
156. No, it isn't.
It's tender and delicious.Copy !req
157. Maybe if I chewed it
with some water.Copy !req
158. Well, there's the hose.Copy !req
159. - I don't like her anymore.
- Well, I do.Copy !req
160. Kitty, I'm chopping vegetables...Copy !req
161. Bob's telling me to shut it...Copy !req
162. you're over there grilling
with Susan B. Damn Anthony.Copy !req
163. Well, fine, Red.
If it bothers you...Copy !req
164. we can invite them over,
and you can do the grilling.Copy !req
165. But for now, I'd really appreciate it
if you'd just shut it.Copy !req
166. If one more person
tells me to shut it...Copy !req
167. What? You might
actually shut it?Copy !req
168. Please, Wanda, you don't
have to boil me alive.Copy !req
169. Killing your cat was
just a horrible accident.Copy !req
170. I know, but I'm a witch.Copy !req
171. Dear God, why is a nice,
sensitive guy like me...Copy !req
172. dating a lying,
manipulative witch like you?Copy !req
173. Well, maybe it's because
even witches have itches.Copy !req
174. All is forgiven!Copy !req
175. God, why do all my
stories end like that?Copy !req
176. Don't stop. I like
where you were going.Copy !req
177. All right, guys. It is time
to make a withdrawal...Copy !req
178. from the First National
Bank of Pinball.Copy !req
179. Oh, man.
No one's playing.Copy !req
180. Well, I would've played, but my frogs
and chickens wouldn't fit into the slot.Copy !req
181. All right. I know
what the problem is here.Copy !req
182. This thing has been here for so long
that people have forgotten about it.Copy !req
183. I just need to advertise. So, Jackie, put on
a bikini and stand in front of the machine.Copy !req
184. Michael, I am not wearing a bikini in here.
It would cause a riot.Copy !req
185. Okay, what if I just
put up flyers...Copy !req
186. with a picture
of you in a bikini?Copy !req
187. Yeah, okay. I mean,
it'll still draw a crowd...Copy !req
188. but at least
they'll remain orderly.Copy !req
189. Okay, so I just need some Magic Markers
and a picture of you in a bikini.Copy !req
190. Oh. I have one.Copy !req
191. Keep it.
I have plenty.Copy !req
192. So, guys,
check out my story.Copy !req
193. I passed out a bunch of copies
at lunch today.Copy !req
194. Oh, Forman, this kind of thing
always blows up in your face.Copy !req
195. Don't ever stop doing it.Copy !req
196. What the hell is this?Copy !req
197. Oh, you...
you didn't like my story?Copy !req
198. Oh, yeah, I loved it.
Especially this part.Copy !req
199. Wanda, I have performed
every task thou hath asketh of me.Copy !req
200. Please, can we finally
consummate our love?Copy !req
201. I beseech you.Copy !req
202. Well, I said I would.
So I won't.Copy !req
203. But... I beseeched you.Copy !req
204. Okay, let's consummate.Copy !req
205. - Really?
- No.Copy !req
206. Please.
I beseech you.Copy !req
207. - Okay.
- Really?Copy !req
208. No.Copy !req
209. Now rub my enormous feet.Copy !req
210. Um, guys, I don't understand.
What does "consummate" mean?Copy !req
211. It means to have sex.Copy !req
212. Really?Copy !req
213. Now I have
two words for that.Copy !req
214. Eric, you just
wrote this to hurt me.Copy !req
215. What? I did not!
And, hey, so did you.Copy !req
216. Look, when I wrote my story,
I just sat down, and that's what came out.Copy !req
217. I didn't, like,
plan it or anything.Copy !req
218. And besides...
No, you know what?Copy !req
219. I don't have to explain
myself to you.Copy !req
220. Okay, I'd like someone
to explain it to me.Copy !req
221. Uh, well,
that's easy, Fez.Copy !req
222. See, Donna,
as an artist...Copy !req
223. wrote her story to get
some perspective on her life.Copy !req
224. Forman,
as a vindictive ass...Copy !req
225. wrote his story
to be a vindictive ass.Copy !req
226. Oh, Eric, I think you just
consummated yourself.Copy !req
227. See what I did there?
Looks easy, but it's not.Copy !req
228. Well, steaks
are a-cookin'.Copy !req
229. Ah, what should we have
to go with dinner?Copy !req
230. Oh, I know.
How about a salad?Copy !req
231. Say, Joanne, why don't you
make the salad?Copy !req
232. - No, thanks.
- Oh.Copy !req
233. Aww.Copy !req
234. Make the salad.Copy !req
235. Unless you don't like
to do lady jobs.Copy !req
236. Red, put this
in your mouth.Copy !req
237. Okay, you know what?
I'll make the salad. Heh!Copy !req
238. - Sit down, Bob.
- Sit down, Bob.Copy !req
239. - I'd love to make a salad.
- Great.Copy !req
240. As soon as Red admits he's not
asking me to make a salad...Copy !req
241. he's trying to put me
in my place.Copy !req
242. You are woman.
I hear you roar.Copy !req
243. I can't believe you're so threatened by
something as trivial as me grilling chicken.Copy !req
244. It's not trivial.
Men grill.Copy !req
245. It's been that way
since the first caveman...Copy !req
246. bonked a woolly mammoth
on the head...Copy !req
247. and threw it
on the barbecue.Copy !req
248. And his cave wife
made the salad.Copy !req
249. - I smell something burning.
- Oh, darn!Copy !req
250. Well, if you didn't want it well done,
you should've said something.Copy !req
251. What the hell!Copy !req
252. Where's my pinball machine?Copy !req
253. Oh, where, indeed?Copy !req
254. I remember.Copy !req
255. I convinced the owner that pinball was out,
and Space Invaders was in.Copy !req
256. Fez, why would you stab me
in the back like that?Copy !req
257. Well, rest assured, Kelso, your frogs and
chickens comment had nothing to do with it.Copy !req
258. Well, why then?Copy !req
259. Hey, Eric, we're sorry we called you
a cat-killer bastard porn freak.Copy !req
260. Oh, so, you read
my story, huh?Copy !req
261. No, we read part two
of Donna's story.Copy !req
262. The ending
is so beautiful.Copy !req
263. Part... Huh?Copy !req
264. Beauti... What?Copy !req
265. "And as Wanda walked away,
she knew in her heart...Copy !req
266. she would never
stop loving Derek."Copy !req
267. Wow,
that's good writing.Copy !req
268. It's emotional,
and it screws you.Copy !req
269. Hey.Copy !req
270. Hey, so, uh, funny thing.Copy !req
271. Um, your story
had a second part, huh?Copy !req
272. Yeah, the paper broke it in half,
'cause it was too long.Copy !req
273. Oh.Copy !req
274. Well, uh, you know,
maybe my story has a second part too.Copy !req
275. Eric, your story ended with,
"And he never saw that crazy bitch again."Copy !req
276. Well, you know, that
was just a prequel...Copy !req
277. to a story entitled, uh...Copy !req
278. "He Did See That Crazy Bitch Again,
and She Was a Delight."Copy !req
279. Okay, I was...
I was pretty mad when I wrote that.Copy !req
280. Eric, I didn't mean
to hurt your feelings...Copy !req
281. but I guess I was mad
when I wrote mine too.Copy !req
282. At least when I started.Copy !req
283. But once I got all that stuff off my chest,
I mean, I felt better about us...Copy !req
284. more like the second half
of my story.Copy !req
285. So, uh... So what happens
to Derek and Wanda?Copy !req
286. Well, in the story, they went off
on their own adventures.Copy !req
287. Yeah. Yeah, I mean,
that's probably good for them.Copy !req
288. Yeah, it's probably time
they moved on.Copy !req
289. Sure.
Derek's gonna be fine.Copy !req
290. He's a smart guy.Copy !req
291. The wenches love him.Copy !req
292. Yeah, well, Wanda's
gonna do great too.Copy !req
293. Oh, yeah, sure.
She'll get all the wenches she wants.Copy !req
294. Oh, my God, Donna,
there's your story.Copy !req
295. "Wanda and the Dirty Wenches."Copy !req
296. - Shut up.
- I know. I know.Copy !req
297. That's a movie.Copy !req
298. Uh! Oh, Fez, I can't hold my
feelings inside any longer.Copy !req
299. Yes, we must finally tell you
how much we desire you.Copy !req
300. And it's not just us, Fez.Copy !req
301. Oh, I knew it all along.Copy !req
302. Now let's consummate me.Copy !req
303. Ahh, oh, boy.Copy !req
304. This is the best story ever.Copy !req