1. Steven, it's 7-damn-30
in the morning.
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2. What the hell
are you doing here?
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3. Red, be nice.
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4. Steven,
we're waiting.
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5. Oh, I've been living
in the basement.
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6. You know, I did notice a dusting
of curly hair on the floor,
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7. but I just wrote it off to
my changing teenage body.
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8. I moved back in when
my dad got transferred.
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9. Transferred?
He's a bartender.
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10. Where'd he
get transferred to,
the jukebox?
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11. You know, red,
if it's cool, I'd kinda
rather not talk about it.
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12. Well, Steven, it's important
to get these things
out in the open.
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13. Kitty, let him
do what's natural...
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14. And keep his feelings
bottled up.
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15. Attaboy.
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16. Well—
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17. welcome back,
Steven.
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18. You know,
maybe we can spruce up
your old room...
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19. Since I decided
to redo the basement.
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20. What? You're redoing
the basement?
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21. Well, honey,
no one uses it.
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22. I use it.
Every day.
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23. It's my batcave.
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24. I'll find you
a good, cheap contractor.
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25. Oh, no, no, no.
This is something
I want to handle myself.
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26. - This is going to be expensive,
isn't it?
- Maybe.
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27. Don't you like
anything cheap?
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28. I like you.
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29. Hello, Wisconsin!
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30. Yeah, I'm gonna
miss it down here.
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31. A lot of good times.
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32. I broke my foot
climbing out of this dryer.
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33. Yeah, I hit my head
playing handball with
the soap in that shower.
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34. Me and Jackie totally did it,
like, a bajillion times
on this old sofa.
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35. Michael, that's private.
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36. I got news for you.
It wasn't that private.
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37. Oh, my god!
That is the biggest spider
I have ever seen.
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38. I think it had a rat
in its mouth.
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39. Okay, I think maybe
the basement isn't the place
for me after all.
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40. Oh, you know what, mom?
I think you might be right.
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41. I mean, not only
is it bug-infested,
but in all honesty,
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42. I think it
might be haunted.
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43. Get out.
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44. That's spooky.
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45. I don't know,
Mrs. Forman. I mean,
sure, it's a pit now,
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46. but if you paint,
fumigate and get rid of Eric,
this could be a great room.
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47. Hey, wh—
hey, okay.
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48. You're not
my girlfriend anymore.
Okay?
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49. So you don't get an opinion
on my stuff now.
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50. Mom, don't listen to her.
She's crazy.
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51. Wait, I disagree with you,
so I'm crazy?
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52. I think the last time
I disagreed with you was
the sanest thing I ever did.
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53. Okay, are you referring
to our breakup?
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54. Because I must remind everyone
that she wore my promise ring
around her neck.
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55. That's crazy.
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56. Ring, finger.
Finger, ring.
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57. Well, you're lucky I didn't
shove the ring up your ass.
Mom!
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58. All right. Wait.
Who said, "get out"?
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59. Anyway, Mrs. Forman,
we have a bunch of
decorating magazines at home.
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60. - I'll bring 'em over.
- Well, thank you, Donna.
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61. And I think that ring
looked nice around your neck.
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62. Donna, what the hell?
What, we're not
going out anymore,
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63. so you don't
like my basement?
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64. Well, I guess now that
I'm an ex-girlfriend,
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65. I'm free to tell
the truth.
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66. Free at last!
Free at last!
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67. Whoo!
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68. Michael,
get Eric some ice.
Why?
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69. For that wicked burn!
Burn, Eric! Burn!
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70. Oh, happy day.
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71. Your friend Fez has taken
his love of dance
to its logical conclusion.
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72. I have joined
a ballet class.
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73. Man, no offense, but you're,
like, one good cry away...
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74. From being
the total woman.
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75. Oh, really? Well,
would a total woman...
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76. Have her own
pink satin slippers?
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77. Oh, red, here. Um,
meet our contractors.
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78. This is Theo and—
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79. hey, Mr. Eric's dad.
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80. This is who you hired
to redo our basement?
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81. Well, no, no.
Actually, I hired Theo.
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82. And, uh, I didn't
really expect Leo.
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83. That was, um—
that was a bonus.
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84. Here.
Shoo, Leo.
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85. Don't worry, ma'am.
Leo is solid.
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86. And he's not allowed to
touch anything electrical.
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87. Kitty, I hate to
interfere—
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88. I understand
your concern, sir.
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89. But I'm not an irresponsible
screwup like my cousin Leo.
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90. That's true, man.
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91. I used to be like Leo,
sitting around all day,
wasting my life.
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92. But then one day
the smoke cleared.
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93. See, red?
He had an epiphany.
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94. Actually, I ran out of weed,
and the smoke cleared.
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95. But, uh—
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96. then I saw how trashed
my apartment was,
so I rebuilt it.
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97. Been a contractor
ever since.
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98. Well, I'm sold.
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99. Okay, Donna, when did you
stop liking my basement?
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100. I never liked it. There were
a lot of things I kept to
myself when we were dating.
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101. Yeah, well,
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102. there were plenty of
things I kept to myself.
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103. Plenty.
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104. Like what,
for instance?
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105. I'm sure Donna would
like to know.
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106. Yeah, like what,
for instance?
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107. Well, like—
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108. why don't...
You just start first?
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109. Okay.
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110. You know how when you eat,
and you smack your lips
in that really cute way?
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111. Yeah.
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112. It's disgusting.
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113. That's all you got?
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114. No. You have
tiny wrists.
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115. What?
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116. No, I don't.
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117. Mom, do I have
tiny wrists?
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118. No, not tiny.
Dainty.
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119. No, no, no.
No, no.
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120. The doctor always said
you were in the normal range.
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121. See? Normal,
big bone Magoo.
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122. Ooh. That's nice.
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123. You don't have to
tell me.
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124. It's really cool
you're here. Most men
won't take ballet class.
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125. Oh, my pet,
most men are not Fez.
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126. This whole basement thing
is Donna's fault.
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127. I mean, what's her problem?
She's been messing
with me all day.
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128. - It could be payback.
- For what?
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129. Well, she had to see
you naked for two years.
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130. That must've
been unpleasant.
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131. You know, for a guy
who's been orphaned twice,
you really lack compassion.
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132. Speaking of
hurtful things—
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133. hey, where's
your dad, man?
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134. Okay.
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135. He, uh—
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136. he went to work
for the police...
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137. Developing high-tech
handcuffs to restrain
people with tiny wrists.
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138. Hey, uh,
puffy-shirt guy called.
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139. He wants his
puffy shirt back.
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140. Things at ballet class have
taken a turn for the worse.
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141. Somehow, I became
one of the girls—
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142. a hairy, brown girl.
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143. Hey, uh, Fez,
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144. does that shirt come with
its own bicycle pump?
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145. You should talk.
That shirt makes
you look like...
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146. A stick of
fruit stripe gum.
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147. God, what did you have
for breakfast this morning,
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148. carnation instant bitch?
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149. Okay, that one
was out of the park.
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150. I am so bored with you two.
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151. You know what?
I actually want
to talk about Fez.
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152. Fez, why don't the women
at ballet love you?
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153. I don't know.
They let me touch their thighs
but not their hearts.
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154. You know what might help?
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155. If you dressed
a little more masculine.
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156. Hey, Hyde, you know what
my favorite ballet is?
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157. The nutcracker?
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158. Hey, guys.
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159. Don't you think
it's time to knock off?
You know, maybe forever?
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160. Yeah, well, we're not
done yet. Don't let us
get in your way.
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161. Do whatever
you'd normally do.
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162. This is what you normally do?
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163. I used to do this, too,
back when I was being an artist.
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164. I love art.
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165. But I hate work.
But...
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166. I love art.
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167. But I hate work.
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168. Do you hear that, Forman?
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169. Theo's an artist
who hates work,
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170. and who at this moment...
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171. Is very open to suggestion.
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172. Oh. I gotcha, Hyde.
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173. Theo, cluck like a chicken.
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174. Do it. Ow!
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175. Oh.
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176. Theo, if you're unhappy,
and I hope you are,
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177. you gotta be true
to yourself.
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178. Give up construction, man.
Go back to art.
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179. You broke up with art?
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180. I don't know
what Eric's problem is.
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181. I wasn't being a bitch,
was I?
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182. Oh. Donna,
I know from bitch,
and yes— yes, you were.
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183. But I feel much
closer to you now.
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184. All right. Okay.
I know what's going on here.
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185. You're being mean to Eric
because you wanna
do it with him.
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186. When Jackie dumped me,
I had a buttload...
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187. Of leftover "wanting to
do it with her" feelings.
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188. Oh, my god.
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189. You morons
might be right.
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190. But why do I have these
stupid feelings left over?
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191. I just want to be
friends with him now.
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192. What a child.
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193. So innocent.
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194. You're never gonna
be friends with him.
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195. The only reason he was
friends with you was so
he could do it with you.
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196. Really? So he made friends
with me when I was five...
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197. So he could do it
with me when I was 17?
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198. Well, that and your
sweet big wheel.
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199. Okay, off to
ballet class now.
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200. More masculine, yes?
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201. Okay.
We're all done.
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202. But you've only
been here a day.
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203. Well, you know
Rome was built in a day.
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204. No. Uh, "Rome wasn't
built in a day."
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205. Oh? Well, your basement
was built in a day.
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206. Ta-da.
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207. Y-You didn't
do anything.
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208. It's a commentary.
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209. See, you wanted to
change your basement into
something that it wasn't.
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210. So instead of giving you
something that you
thought you wanted,
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211. I gave you something
that you needed.
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212. Red, I think
my contractor's on dope.
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213. No need to thank me.
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214. Oh, we won't.
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215. Because you didn't
do anything, hophead.
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216. Look! It's art!
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217. I moved everything
in this basement...
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218. Two inches to the left.
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219. Oh, yeah.
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220. I call it "basement—
two inches to the left."
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221. It's wild, huh?
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222. I mean, it's like—
where are you?
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223. All right.
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224. Mrs. Eric's mother
would like you to leave now.
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225. Okay,
you don't get it.
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226. But when your life shifts
two inches to the left,
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227. you're gonna
call me.
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228. Oh, yes. You are
gonna call me!
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229. And if you like our work,
tell your friends, okay?
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230. Well,
well, well.
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231. Look who finally
got his basement back.
Yep.
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232. Outwitted
two hippie burnouts.
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233. Walk tall.
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234. So, hey, Hyde.
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235. Come on.
Where's your dad?
Really.
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236. Fine.
You want to know?
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237. He and my mom
got back together.
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238. No way.
No way.
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239. That's great.
So, where are they?
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240. I can't tell you.
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241. Why not?
'Cause they won't tell me.
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242. They split on you?
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243. Oh, man.
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244. Oh, man. See, this is why
I didn't wanna tell you.
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245. I knew you'd get all
after school special on me.
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246. Me?
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247. Please.
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248. It's okay.
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249. You're home now.
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250. Get off me, man.
No, you let me
love you, orphan boy!
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251. Don't hide
from your feelings!
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252. So, hey.
Hey.
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253. Look, I'm sorry
I've been so—
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254. bitchy?
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255. Yeah, I hadn't noticed.
Who said "bitchy"?
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256. Yeah, well, it turns out
that there are some...
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257. Lingering feelings
or something.
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258. Not real feelings—
just, like,
lingering urges.
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259. But they're just
lingering feelings.
They're not actual feelings.
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260. I just wanna make that
very clear.
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261. You have. By using
the word "lingering,"
like, six times.
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262. Okay.
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263. And the basement's
actually really cool.
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264. And your wrists
are very wide.
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265. Hmm.
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266. Um, there must be some way
to break the tension here.
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267. Oh, I know.
Let's just have sex.
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268. Okay.
Really?
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269. No. See ya.
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270. Like I wanted to.
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271. I did want to.
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