1. Okay, boys.
I brought cheese samples from work.
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2. What's wrong with them?
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3. Nothing. Well,
they were in the trash.
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4. - Cool.
- Hand it over.
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5. Hey. You know how my brother
locks me in the closet...
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6. with a pillowcase full of dead fish
until the stink makes me cry?
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7. Well, while I was in there,
I heard him make a phone call.
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8. And it seems that he's got a
little surprise for Donna tonight...
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9. the honeymoon suite
at that French motel in Kenosha.
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10. The Le Motel?
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11. Oh, no, it sounds like Donna
and Casey are going to le do it.
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12. Oh, yeah. Eric's gonna freak out
when we tell him.
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13. - And why would we tell him?
- To watch him freak out.
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14. Kelso, he's gonna take it
really hard, man.
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15. - So we just need to keep our mouths shut.
- Wow.
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16. That's very considerate of Eric's feelings.
What the hell, man?
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17. I just think we all need to zip it,
especially you.
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18. Hey, I can keep a secret.
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19. I didn't tell Kelso you took
five bucks from his wallet.
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20. Hyde!
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21. None of you guys
can keep a secret.
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22. Well, you sure can, especially when
it's about you kissing other guys.
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23. Michael, it was one guy from work,
and I told you I'm sorry.
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24. God, how long are you gonna
keep throwing that in my face?
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25. Well, how long are you gonna keep
throwing your face in other guys' faces?
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26. Wow. That was clever.
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27. I think I won that!
Yeah!
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28. Oh, Eric.
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29. Let me just say I'm sorry.
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30. - For what?
- I can't tell you.
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31. But if you were to guess that Casey
is taking Donna to a honeymoon suite...
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32. I'd say, "Good guess."
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33. Wait. Casey and Donna
got a motel room?
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34. Yeah, but look at the bright side.
Donna and Casey may be doing it...
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35. but at least they're doing it
on a vibrating, heart-shaped bed.
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36. If you see what I mean.
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37. Well, I do now thanks to your spot-on,
detailed description.
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38. Oh, and there'll probably
be a mirror too.
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39. Okay, thanks, Fez.
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40. - You know, so they can watch each other.
- Yeah, I know.
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41. I'd like to propose a toast.
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42. My divorce papers
finally came through.
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43. - To divorce!
- Oh, no, no. No, no.
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44. If you're gonna drink to divorce, drink
alone in the dark like regular sad people.
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45. I'm not sad.
I'm happy...
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46. 'cause now I can do all kinds of things
I couldn't do before, like, uh...
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47. Joanne, we could get married.
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48. Somethin' funny?
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49. Bob, we've never
mentioned marriage before.
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50. You spring it on me now
in front of strangers?
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51. Oh, excuse me.
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52. My mistake, I guess.
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53. I guess I hurt
someone's feelings.
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54. Well, you certainly did.
We are not strangers!
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55. So, what are you and Casey
doin' tonight?
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56. He won't tell me.
It's a surprise.
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57. Oh, honey, it's blush,
not spray paint.
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58. A surprise, huh?
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59. What if the surprise is something big?
Are you ready for it?
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60. I mean, how do you really
feel about Casey?
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61. I don't know.
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62. Well, how do you feel
about his hair?
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63. Love it.
Lots of body.
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64. - And his body?
- Love it. Lots of hair.
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65. - How about his car?
- I love it. Trans Ams kick ass.
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66. So hair, body and car.
The big three...
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67. the Holy Trinity of Love.
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68. Okay, I think you're ready
for your big surprise.
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69. Jackie, what is
this big surprise?
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70. All I can tell you
is definitely...
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71. definitely shave those legs.
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72. Well, I called the Le Motel.
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73. Fez, you were right.
Casey has a reservation for tonight.
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74. And, Hyde, you were right.
I cannot keep a secret.
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75. Speaking of secrets,
look what I found in Jackie's cheese.
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76. Some guy Phil's
phone number.
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77. I-I can't take this anymore. I just know
it, Hyde. She's cheatin' on me again.
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78. Kelso, don't jump
to conclusions.
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79. Maybe I don't care.
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80. Forman, man, you gotta be cool
about this Donna thing...
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81. or she's gonna know
you're jealous.
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82. You can't be all
Simon and Garfunkely.
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83. You gotta get
Bruce Springsteeny.
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84. Springsteenian.
Springsteenicious.
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85. Wait. What are we
talking about?
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86. Whoa. Hey, you guys,
I'm not jealous.
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87. I'm just looking out for her.
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88. I mean, Donna's
practically a sister to me.
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89. A tall, shapely sister...
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90. who I've done it with...
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91. about a million times.
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92. Look, maybe Donna and Casey
won't even do it tonight.
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93. I'd call it 50-50.
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94. You would?
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95. Oh, I'd be wrong.
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96. But I'd call it that to keep you
from doing somethin' stupid.
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97. Forman, you gotta
do somethin' stupid.
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98. Sittin' around feeling helpless all day...
That isn't healthy.
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99. That's why I'm gonna
stalk Jackie.
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100. You know, I really love
things with holes.
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101. Swiss cheese, doughnuts,
inner tubes.
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102. I don't know what it is about a hole.
It just feels good.
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103. Hello?
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104. Is Phil there?
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105. - Who?
- Phil! Some guy you kissed!
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106. I found his number
in your cheese!
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107. Michael, Phil's the guy
who delivers the sausage.
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108. You tramp!
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109. No, idiot.
He brings food to our store.
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110. He's our sausage guy.
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111. Tramp!
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112. Wait... Who's that singing?
Who's singing love songs to you?
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113. Peter Frampton.
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114. Are you kissing him?
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115. No!
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116. Are you sure?
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117. Hello?
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118. Hello, this is Norman.
Shall we kiss?
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119. Okay, Red, what Bob needs
right now is a good friend.
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120. And since I don't know where we're
gonna find one, you need to talk to him.
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121. - Kitty...
- Or you can talk to Joanne.
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122. I'll take Bob.
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123. I'll take Joanne.
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124. Donna, I have to
talk to you!
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125. Leo?
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126. Have you got Donna in there?
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127. You know,
I didn't think to ask.
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128. Look, I have to find Donna.
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129. Casey's gonna surprise her with
the honeymoon suite. And I know Donna.
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130. She's not gonna like
that kind of surprise.
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131. So she'll probably be looking for an out,
so I'm here to rescue her.
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132. Kind of like Luke did
with Leia in Star Wars.
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133. You know,
"I'm here to rescue you!"
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134. The other honeymoon suite's
across the hall, man.
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135. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got
a game of Twister I gotta stretch for.
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136. Casey, check it out. They have tiny soaps.
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137. What am I doing?
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138. I couldn't do it, Leo.
Donna's havin' a good time.
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139. She doesn't wanna be rescued.
But you know what?
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140. The thing is, I still wanna go
in there and stop everything, you know?
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141. I didn't come here for her.
I came here for me.
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142. That's a huge dilemma, man.
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143. But you know what you
really gotta ask yourself?
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144. Is there anybody who's not in a motel room
with three women that you could tell this to?
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145. Okay, here's the thing.
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146. Bob really likes you.
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147. Why? Who knows?
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148. But that's America. Any kook can have
any damn fool idea he wants.
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149. Look, I haven't had
good luck with marriage.
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150. When my first husband
and I were dating, he was great.
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151. But as soon as I married him,
he turned into...
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152. well, something like you.
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153. Well, I don't know what kind of crap
your ex-husband used to pull...
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154. but whatever it was,
Bob doesn't have it in him.
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155. He's just a nice,
loyal guy...
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156. with a big heart.
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157. He's perfect for
a pushy gal like you.
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158. Well, he does have
a big heart.
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159. And we do
go well together.
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160. You know, Red, if I didn't know any better,
I'd think you were a good guy.
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161. Well, if I didn't know any better,
I'd think I cared.
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162. The red cheese is chewy.
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163. The red cheese is wax.
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164. Oh. Hey, guess what, fellas?
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165. Turns out I still have
feelings for Donna. Yeah.
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166. Deep feelings.
Warm feelings.
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167. Tingly-in-the-pants feelings.
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168. And I can't do anything
about it, because...
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169. she has those feelings
for someone else.
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170. I think that admitting that
you still love Donna...
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171. is an important step...
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172. because it reopens
the door for this:
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173. Eric loves Donna! Eric loves Donna!
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174. Look, you guys,
I don't love her.
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175. I just think that
if she's not with me...
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176. the fairest thing for everyone
is if she's alone and unhappy.
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177. No!
That is a bad plan, man.
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178. 'Cause if you leave a chick alone,
the next thing you know...
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179. she's lickin' the roof
of some other guy's mouth.
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180. Like the cheese guy.
I hate that guy!
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181. But you love his cheese.
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182. See, this is just like
a Southern tragedy.
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183. Tennessee Williams,
but with cheese.
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184. I'm taking advanced English.
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185. Oh, man, I gotta go to the mall.
I'm late to stalk Jackie.
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186. I just...
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187. I can't believe Donna's in a motel room
with him right now.
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188. Man, I don't like it either.
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189. But there is one thing
you can do.
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190. I believe you have a stack of Playboys
underneath your bed.
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191. Go use 'em.
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192. Okay, Bob, I think
the problem is that...
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193. Joanne thinks you're moving
just a little too fast.
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194. That's just who I am.
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195. I do everything fast.
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196. I run fast.
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197. I drive fast.
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198. I eat fast.
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199. Okay, what happens
when you eat fast?
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200. I get gassy.
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201. Right. Okay, well, a relationship
works the same way.
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202. When it grows too fast,
it... it gets gassy too.
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203. And-And... And then
the bad thing happens...
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204. and people
leave the room.
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205. Wow.
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206. A lot of people
have told me to slow down...
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207. but nobody ever said it
in a way that spoke to me.
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208. - Hi, Bob.
- Hey, Joanne.
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209. Okay, well,
we'll just, um...
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210. We'll leave
you two alone.
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211. Okay, well, there will be no more
marriage talk from Bob.
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212. What? There'd better be.
She's expecting it!
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213. - Oh, crap!
- Lock the doors!
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214. I'm on it!
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215. Michael!
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216. What are you doing?
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217. - What, are you spying on me now?
- No!
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218. Okay, fine.
Yeah, I'm spying on you...
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219. 'cause you're around
strange guys all day...
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220. and apparently, every once in a while,
you up and French one of 'em.
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221. Michael, go home.
This is a place of business.
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222. And if you don't have any business,
you're not welcome at the mall.
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223. Fine!
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224. Stay away
from my girlfriend!
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225. Michael, what are you doing?
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226. Well, I can be at the mall now,
'cause I got business. Train business.
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227. You have lost your mind!
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228. Yep, and I don't miss it!
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229. Michael, look at you, riding around
on a kiddie train so you can spy on me.
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230. I mean, do you not see
how crazy this is?
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231. Well, yeah.
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232. But I-I don't know
what to do.
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233. I mean, I'm a mess.
I can't sleep, I can't eat.
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234. Well, I can eat. And then when I eat,
I get kind of sleepy.
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235. But I am really upset!
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236. Look, if we're ever gonna get past this, you
have to forget about that stupid little kiss...
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237. and just try... try to remember
that we love each other.
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238. - I know.
- So can we please, please just finally move on?
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239. I wanna say yes, but...
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240. it's like we're
on this track...
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241. and we keep going around
in circles like some kind of...
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242. some kind of...
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243. I don't know.
I lost my train of thought.
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244. Okay, Forman, what were you doing
at the Le Motel last night?
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245. And don't say you weren't there,
because Leo saw you.
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246. Wait, wait.
Leo thinks he saw me at the Le Motel?
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247. Cut the crap, Eric.
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248. You know Casey and I
had a room last night...
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249. so you went there and you pulled
the fire alarm all night until we left.
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250. Fire alarm?
I didn't... I didn't pull...
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251. Wait. You guys left?
So you guys didn't...
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252. No! We spent all night
in the parking lot...
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253. with Leo and
his hooty mamas.
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254. Eric, what were you
even doing at the motel?
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255. I don't know. I just...
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256. I was fine, right? I mean,
we were friends, and that was cool.
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257. And now, Donna,
all of a sudden...
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258. it's like the day after
we broke up all over again, and...
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259. Look, I'm sorry, but when I knew
you were gonna be with Casey, I just...
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260. I felt...
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261. Whatever.
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262. No, I get it.
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263. Remember when you wanted to date
other people, and I was so cool about it?
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264. Well, I wasn't.
It, like, broke my heart.
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265. - So what did you do?
- Well, I didn't know what to do.
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266. - So, I just, you know...
- Right.
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267. Casey.
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268. Right.
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269. Hey, look, from now on,
I'm gonna stay out of your business.
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270. - I promise.
- Thank you.
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271. But before that promise
goes into effect...
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272. I would like it duly noted for the record
that I think Casey's all wrong for you...
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273. and I think you guys
are moving way too fast.
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274. Duly noted.
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275. - And I'll stay out of your business too.
- Okay.
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276. Good. So I better, uh,
drum me up some business, huh?
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277. Still sleepin', huh?
Gosh.
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278. Pulling fire alarms all night
must really wear you out.
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279. That's right.
I'm on to you, buddy.
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280. You did a nice thing,
and I'm tellin' everybody.
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281. Oh, man, I didn't do it
to be nice.
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282. I did it because I always wanted
to commit a felony.
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283. Misdemeanors just ain't
the rush they used to be.
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284. Well, all I hear is...
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285. "I love you,
I love you, I love you."
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