1. Oh, my first X-rated movie.
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2. I don't know what's going on,
but that is the luckiest pizza boy ever.
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3. Yeah, I'll say. There's at least
nine boobs in this shot alone.
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4. Guys, I feel bad.
I mean, Jackie finally takes me back...
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5. and I reward her by sneaking off
to see some trashy porno babes.
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6. Oh, wow!
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7. That seems like it would tickle.
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8. Oh, nothing's going to happen in this scene.
It's just two ladies.
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9. Oh, bravo, nice plot twist.
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10. All right, guys, I gotta go.
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11. I don't think Jackie would
like me being here.
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12. And you should pick up
your dress on the way out.
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13. Oh, wow!
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14. Does everyone do that?
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15. Because I don't do that.
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16. I just stick to
two or three key moves and...
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17. God, they don't even
come close to that.
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18. Oh, Eric, I have not
done anything...
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19. but even I, had I done anything,
would have already done that.
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20. Jackie, you know I love you...
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21. and you know how much
I've changed, right?
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22. Yeah?
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23. Oh, what'd you do?
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24. I went to a stag film.
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25. But then it turned out
that there weren't any stags at all.
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26. It was just naked people
having sex.
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27. Go ahead and punish me.
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28. No, Michael,
I'm not gonna punish you.
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29. You were honest with me,
and honesty should be rewarded.
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30. Wow. I'm not in trouble
and I get a reward?
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31. Is it a cash reward?
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32. No, Michael, the reward
is feeling better about yourself.
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33. Oh.
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34. Mmm, smells good.
Whatcha making?
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35. Oh, a little lemon meringue
and pot roast...
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36. and my sister Paula is coming
and seven-layer salad.
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37. Ahh. Seven-lay...
Hey, wait a second.
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38. Red, now please, be nice.
We haven't seen her in almost six years.
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39. - Yeah, not since she got arrested.
- No, not arrested, detained.
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40. She showed up in the backseat
of a police car with lights flashing.
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41. I had to tell the neighbors
that she was the mayor of Cincinnati.
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42. Oh, there she is.
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43. You wait. She's gonna hit me up
for money like she always does.
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44. That's gonna cost me.
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45. - Oh, my God!
- Kitty!
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46. Oh, my God!
Look at you!
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47. I know, I know,
I'm fabulous.
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48. - Look, huh, at me.
- Oh, my God.
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49. You're wearing stockings.
Red, she's wearing stockings.
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50. Oh, oh, and matching shoes!
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51. Oh, come on, Red.
I know you're dying for a nibble.
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52. Paula, you're so pink.
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53. Oh, well, sure, sure.
I gotta match my brand-new car.
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54. Go ahead, pet her.
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55. Well, ooh, ooh,
I wanna pet her too.
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56. Why did you paint it
with Pepto-Bismol?
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57. It's not Pepto-Bismol.
It's Luscious Blushes.
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58. And only the top Kathy May
salesperson gets one of these babies.
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59. So you stole it from her?
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60. I have all the money that I owe you.
Here it is.
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61. Oh, my God. You have cash.
Red, she has cash.
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62. Honey, Red, Red, Red,
really, you don't have to count it.
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63. Oh, well, of course.
You're family.
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64. Oh, honey, honey, honey!
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65. Honesty's cool, man.
It's like I can do anything wrong...
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66. and then ask for forgiveness,
and then I'm good again.
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67. I mean, someone should invent
a religion like that.
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68. Okay, so did anyone besides me
think that some of the guys in that movie...
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69. were not completely... average?
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70. Like, you know,
they were way, way...
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71. above average?
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72. Well, you don't go into that line of work
when you're below average.
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73. You just pray some hot, redheaded neighbor
girl likes you for your personality.
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74. What are you talking about?
Those men were completely average.
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75. In fact, I found the guy
with the mustache downright puny.
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76. See now, Fez, that's not honest.
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77. I mean, we all know
you're small in the pants.
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78. What I'm saying is, is from here on in,
I'm only telling the truth.
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79. In fact, I'm gonna come clean
to Jackie about everything.
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80. Fine. You want honesty?
I'll give you honesty.
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81. We are all small in the pants.
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82. Kelso, this might be your best idea ever.
You know what?
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83. You should make a list of all the lies
you've ever told to Jackie, and I'll help you.
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84. 'Cause all's I really want
is for you to be happy.
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85. Hey, you guys, honestly...
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86. you don't think Donna's,
you know, bored, right?
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87. 'Cause those guys in the movie,
they didn't do the same move twice.
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88. And I've done
the same move, like...
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89. always.
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90. I'll bet they go to a special school
or something.
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91. I mean, they're like
doctors at doing it.
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92. Eric, dinner.
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93. Oh, no.
Now I have to act normal.
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94. But I get to eat, yeah!
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95. - Aunt Paula, you look great.
- Oh.
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96. And so pink.
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97. Oh, Eric, you're so cute.
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98. Here's 20 bucks.
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99. Aunt Paula is awesome!
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100. So, Paula, tell me more
about the ship captain.
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101. Oh, that was just
a fling, you know.
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102. Didn't you have a fiancé
the last time we saw you?
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103. Red, now there is no reason
to rehash ancient history, is there?
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104. No, it's okay. It turned out he lived
on some sort of commune...
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105. where everyone called him God.
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106. And there were... there were guns.
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107. And I really could never figure out
why God would need a gun.
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108. But there were
some fun parties. Whoo!
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109. That's hilarious!
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110. Life has gotten so much better
since I moved to Indianapolis.
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111. I mean, things move
so much faster in the big city.
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112. One day you're wondering
if you'll ever find happiness...
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113. and the next, you're waving
the starting flag at the Indy 500.
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114. - You waved the Indy flag?
- Mm-hmm.
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115. Oh, God, you're the coolest.
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116. Mom, how funny is it
that while Aunt Paula was at Indy...
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117. you were probably
at, like, Price Mart.
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118. Ooh, ooh, ooh, who wants pie?
It's meringue.
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119. Well, enough about me.
Kitty, dear, what have you been up to?
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120. Well, you know,
it's funny you should ask...
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121. because we have been
super, super busy.
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122. Oh, no, she quit her job. She's not
up to anything. It's kind of boring.
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123. So, did you meet Dick Trickle?
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124. Eric!
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125. What? He's a race car driver.
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126. His name is Dick Trickle.
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127. Oh, my God, listen to my voice!
I'm so loud!
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128. Oh, well, will you look at this?
Here's me, captain of the cheerleaders.
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129. "Most likely to succeed."
"Best laugh."
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130. Oh, here's Paula.
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131. What's that on her cheek?
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132. Oh, she had a little sledding accident
with her face that year.
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133. - Typical.
- I know.
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134. Things were so different then.
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135. Kitty, oh! You so deserve this.
You're the best.
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136. Oh, aren't you sweet?
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137. Boy, oh, boy,
Chet sure is lucky.
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138. He's got the keenest girl in school.
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139. Oh, stop!
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140. - Congratulations, Kitty.
- Thanks, Paula.
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141. I knew you'd win.
You always do.
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142. - No, not always.
- Well, I want a kiss from the queen.
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143. Well, Chet, you have been
an awfully loyal subject.
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144. You guys, I'd like you
to meet my date, Marvin.
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145. Marvin? Sweetie? Sweetie?
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146. Okay.
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147. Okay.
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148. And now, I'm a housewife...
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149. and she goes on cruises
with Dick Trickle.
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150. You don't know
what she's not telling you.
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151. I mean, just because
she's more successful than you...
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152. doesn't mean that she's happy.
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153. More successful?
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154. Well, it's just
that she has so many...
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155. And she's... she's very...
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156. Look, money.
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157. I love it when you do that.
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158. Good to know.
Good to know.
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159. And how about when I do this?
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160. Geez, Eric, what the hell?
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161. Okay, okay, I'll just
go back up to the ear.
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162. Get away from me, you pig!
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163. Where are my pants?
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164. Wait. Wait, it was an accident.
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165. Look, I have a feather.
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166. He did?
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167. What the heck for?
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168. I don't know.
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169. In like what universe
is that sexy?
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170. Only one... the skinny,
pervert universe.
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171. It was just so strange.
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172. I mean, usually he just sticks to,
like, two or three key moves.
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173. You know, I bet it's because
of that nudie flick they saw yesterday.
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174. They went to an X-rated movie?
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175. Didn't Eric tell you?
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176. No.
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177. God, why would Eric
go see something like that?
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178. I mean, is our sex life
so boring...
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179. that he has to sneak around
and watch other people do it?
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180. Donna, of course it is.
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181. It's okay.
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182. So, um, what's going on here?
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183. Packing a picnic lunch
for your next African safari?
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184. No, I thought I'd make
my strudel for the boys.
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185. It feels nice
having people to cook for.
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186. Huh.
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187. Well, um...
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188. Sounds like your, uh...
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189. jet-set life
gets pretty lonely, huh?
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190. - Oh, no, I have lots of friends.
- Oh, right, right.
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191. But, um, all the friends
in the world...
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192. don't make up for having to come home
from the Bahamas to an empty house, do they?
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193. I actually enjoy my privacy.
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194. Hmm, privacy.
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195. Loneliness.
It's a fine line, isn't it?
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196. Okay, Kitty, is something wrong?
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197. Yeah, something is wrong.
Why are you here?
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198. Because I missed you.
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199. And I wanted you to see
that I'm finally okay.
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200. Okay or better than me?
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201. Better than you?
Oh, Kitty, you're my sister and...
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202. Fine. I'm finally a success, and I wanted
to come back and rub your face in it.
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203. And I did, and I liked it!
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204. Well, good for you.
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205. It must have been hard living in my shadow,
because I was popular and you weren't.
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206. And I had a life and you didn't.
That's right. I said it.
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207. You heard me.
You were a schlub. A schlub!
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208. Oh, I am so sorry.
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209. Oh, I'm sorry too.
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210. Oh, I just... I don't know
what is the matter with me.
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211. - I know.
- I should be just thrilled...
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212. that you're finally on your feet,
and instead, I'm just...
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213. I'm acting like
a jealous little ninny.
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214. Kitty, would you like a makeover?
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215. Oh, I really would.
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216. Okay.
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217. I-I won't look like a whore, will I?
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218. No, no, I promise.
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219. Okay, Jackie.
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220. There are some things I haven't been honest
about that I feel like you should know.
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221. Okay.
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222. Why are they here?
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223. Well, Hyde helpfully pointed out
that it's not really honesty...
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224. unless your friends
are allowed to watch.
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225. So, anyway, I made a list.
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226. The list was my idea.
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227. Thank you for that, Hyde.
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228. Okay, so let's just get started.
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229. Um, that picture you saw
of me in kindergarten?
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230. Those weren't puffy pants.
It was a big boy diaper.
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231. And that time you came out of the shower,
and you thought you saw a flash?
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232. I did take your picture.
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233. This one time you asked me
if you had anything in your teeth?
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234. And you did, but I said no,
'cause it's funnier that way.
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235. When we were about to fool around,
and I said that I washed my hands?
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236. But really I just got done
playing with like six dogs.
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237. - But that's not as bad...
- All right, Michael, stop!
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238. Okay, Michael, I think we need
to work on selective honesty.
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239. Yes, that and basic hygiene.
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240. Seriously, good God, man.
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241. Okay, Michael...
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242. unless one of your secrets involves kissing
a girl, I don't need to know about it.
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243. Okay. All right.
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244. Oh, science fact.
Dogs are cleaner than humans.
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245. Oh, you poor pink bastard.
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246. Well, well!
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247. What have we here?
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248. All right. I got 20 minutes
till my wife comes back...
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249. so, uh, pucker up.
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250. Okay, you two lovebirds.
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251. I'm off.
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252. Oh, bye-bye, Red. Oh!
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253. Oh, Paula, thank you so much.
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254. Oh, oh, Kitty.
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255. What are sisters for, huh?
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256. I'll talk to you
in a couple of days.
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257. And you remember what I said.
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258. Oui, oui, ma soeur.
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259. So what's with all the French?
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260. - Did she call me something?
- No.
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261. She said, "Search for life to live life,"
which is my new motto.
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262. Paula made me see
that I have been in a rut.
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263. But the good news is, from now on,
I am just going to explore life.
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264. But you're...
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265. You're all pretty now with your big red lips.
Isn't that enough?
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266. Oh, I love you, Red Forman.
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267. And no.
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268. All right, fine.
But if you paint my car pink, it's over.
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269. Oh, hey, I was
just looking at... Hey!
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270. Okay, where did you
get the idea to...
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271. do what you did?
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272. I went to see this movie...
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273. and it was a...
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274. Well, I guess you could
call it an art film.
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275. - Eric!
- Okay, fine, Donna. It was an X-rated film.
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276. And it just...
There were all these people...
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277. and they were doing all these things
that we've never done.
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278. And it seemed like they really
enjoyed doing this one thing especially.
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279. And I just thought, you know, who would
enjoy doing that one thing especially?
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280. My lady.
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281. Eric, listen to me...
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282. because this is
gosh-darn important.
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283. You don't do that,
not without asking.
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284. So, if I had asked...
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285. The answer's still no!
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286. Are you bored
with our sex life?
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287. Oh, God, no.
Just the opposite.
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288. I figured that you
had to be bored.
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289. And it was our hundredth time,
and I just wanted to do something special.
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290. Oh, my God, you count?
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291. No.
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292. Oh, my God, that's so sweet.
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293. But do me a favor. Next time
you're gonna do something weird...
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294. gimme a little more warning,
so I can brace myself.
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295. Or tell you to back the hell off.
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296. - Right.
- Because no matter how much I love you...
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297. that was unpleasant.
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298. I'm sorry, you guys.
I can't hang out. I gotta go meet Jackie.
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299. Don't look at me like that.
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300. All right, five more minutes,
but that is it.
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301. Come on. Who wants to
show me their belly, huh?
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302. Come on.
Come here, buddy!
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303. Come here, baby.
Who's my little baby, huh?
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304. Who's my little baby?
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