1. Ooh. Now I've got
Park Place and Boardwalk.
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2. This game's just like life.
I am the richest of all.
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3. Jackie, I've got $970 here.
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4. It's all yours
if you'll just go away!
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5. Relax, Forman. It's better than
having Laurie down here.
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6. She's like
a big, cancerous tumor.
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7. And Jackie, you know,
she's like a tiny, benign cyst.
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8. Thank you, Hyde.
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9. Here. Buy yourself a hotel.
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10. Why are you giving him money?
I'm the one in jail.
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11. Plus, Hyde punched me in the arm.
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12. Why can't we start over?
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13. - Because...
- Ay!
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14. And don't try tipping over
the board again either.
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15. Next time we go hiking,
make sure you bring a blanket.
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16. I think I have
a twig in my shorts.
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17. What a coincidence. So does Kelso.
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18. Burn!
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19. Okay. Okay. Nice burn. Hi, Jackie.
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20. Oh, look. It's Michael
and his community chest.
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21. Nice.
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22. So, Michael, when you come over
for dinner tonight...
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23. don't wear that stupid unicorn tie.
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24. Oh, I'm sorry, Jackie.
Was that a gift?
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25. Oh, yeah?
Well, were those shoes a gift?
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26. 'Cause they're ugly.
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27. What are you
even doing here anyways?
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28. Shouldn't you be off
playing with ribbons and ponies?
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29. Well, shouldn't you be off...
being a bitch?
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30. Ooh, I made the little girl
say a bad word.
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31. See you tonight.
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32. Whoops.
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33. Laurie makes me so mad.
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34. I just wanna rip out her hair, show it to her
and hope it doesn't grow back.
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35. I hate her.
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36. Jackie, that's what she wants.
She feeds on your anger, man.
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37. It only makes her stronger.
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38. Well, then what am I
supposed to do?
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39. If you really want to get under her skin,
you have to be Zen.
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40. Zen? Okay, you can't just
make up words, Hyde.
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41. No, man. Zen.
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42. At peace. Aloof. Zen.
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43. Oh.
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44. Okay, then. Hyde, will you
teach me how to be Zen?
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45. You can't just teach someone
to be Zen, Jackie.
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46. You can only learn to be Zen.
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47. Okay. I don't understand.
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48. Exactly.
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49. And that's your first lesson.
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50. Huh?
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51. Jackie, if you wanna be my student, you need
to follow my instructions without question.
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52. Okay. Okay.
See? I can do that.
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53. Okay. First thing...
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54. finish polishing my boots.
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55. - Okay, Hyde, how's that gonna help me...
- What?
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56. Okay.
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57. You'll make a fine student.
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58. Shine, grasshopper, shine.
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59. Kelso, man, you're not seriously
coming to dinner tonight, are you?
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60. Why shouldn't I? You know, Jackie broke up
with me, and I needed a girlfriend...
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61. and Laurie's it.
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62. Plus, I need to eat,
so I'm coming to dinner.
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63. God, Kelso.
You're lame and you're sad.
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64. But if you go to dinner with Red,
you're gonna get your just deserts.
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65. I don't really care what they serve.
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66. I just wanna be there
for Laurie, you know?
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67. Hope it's pie.
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68. Oh, Kelso. It's gonna be so bad.
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69. - Can I come to dinner tonight?
- No.
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70. Look, Red loves Laurie, right?
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71. And Laurie likes me.
Therefore, Red has to like me.
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72. I mean, what father wouldn't like the guy
who's nailing his daughter?
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73. Oh, Laurie, you can't bring Michael
to dinner. Are you out of your mind?
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74. Mom, I'm an adult,
and this is my choice.
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75. No, if you were really an adult,
you'd try to meet someone with a future...
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76. instead of Michael, who,
bless his heart...
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77. is probably gonna end up
ripping tickets at the Tilt-A-Whirl.
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78. Well, he could invent something.
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79. - Yeah, I guess I'm lazy.
- Uh-huh.
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80. And, Laurie, have you given any thought as to
what you're gonna say to your father...
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81. when he finds out?
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82. "He's my boyfriend, Daddy,
and we love each other...
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83. and you can't stop us
from being together!"
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84. What do you think?
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85. Laurie, I absolutely forbid you
to bring that boy to dinner.
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86. Sometimes I hate you!
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87. Well, that is just too bad
because I love you.
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88. Because I have to.
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89. - Whatever!
- No. More aloofness.
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90. Whatever.
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91. I'm not believing you.
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92. Hyde, when are we
going to move on?
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93. I have been saying
"whatever" for half an hour.
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94. You can say very much
by saying very little, small grasshopper.
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95. Pretend you're Laurie and insult me.
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96. Okay.
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97. Hey, hi. You're stupid.
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98. - Whatever.
- Wow. That was great.
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99. Yeah.
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100. Now, another part of this
is ambiguity. Say it with me.
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101. Ambiguity.
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102. Very good. See, you don't want people
to know exactly what you mean.
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103. Here. Ask me if I want to
go to a movie tonight.
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104. Okay. Hi, would you like
to go to a movie tonight?
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105. That's cool.
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106. See, you don't know if I mean, "That's cool.
I'll go." or "That's cool. No, thanks."
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107. - And that's cool?
- Whatever.
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108. Oh, my God!
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109. I am so sorry I got impatient.
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110. That's cool.
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111. Hey, guys.
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112. So, Jackie, Eric won't invite me
to dinner tonight...
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113. so do you wanna, like,
go to the mall or something?
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114. That's cool.
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115. Wait. What do you mean?
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116. Oh, my God! It worked!
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117. I mean, whatever.
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118. - Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
- What?
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119. You guys started eating without me?
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120. That is so rude.
I'm just kidding.
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121. Well, Eric, you must've forgotten to mention
you invited Michael to dinner tonight.
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122. Oh, right. Yeah, I guess I did.
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123. Oh, and there are my chocolates. The
chocolates that I asked you to bring over to me.
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124. Ooh, Fanny Farmer.
My favorite.
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125. No. No.
See, those are for Laurie.
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126. Kelso, what the hell
are you doing here?
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127. Dad! Uh, nougat?
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128. Don't worry, Red.
I got something for you too. Huh?
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129. - Five beers?
- Uh, yeah. They were all out of six-packs.
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130. Weird, huh?
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131. Let me help you out
with that there, Red.
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132. - Are you taking a beer?
- Hey, focus, man. He's dating your daughter.
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133. Laurie, what's going on?
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134. He's my boyfriend, Daddy.
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135. And he loves me.
And... he's good to me.
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136. And we're... happy together.
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137. Kelso, you have five seconds...
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138. to get as far away from me as possible.
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139. But, Red, what about
our unspoken bond?
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140. One. Two.
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141. I'll call you.
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142. Beer, Red?
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143. And the rest of dinner...
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144. was eaten in complete silence.
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145. The only sound was the dull throbbing
of that vein in Red's giant, shiny head.
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146. Boy, I'm glad I'm not Kelso.
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147. Sure he's had sex a lot
and I am still a virgin...
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148. but... I wish I was Kelso.
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149. No, you don't, Fez.
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150. Being Kelso is like knowing the truth behind
all the deception in society...
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151. but not being able to convince any of your
fellow suburban clones anything's wrong, man.
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152. No, wait. That's me.
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153. Man, I just totally forgot
why I was laughing.
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154. Isn't that funny?
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155. Okay. No more for
the cheerleader, okay?
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156. Jackie, you seem different.
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157. I don't know if it's your hair,
your outfit, or your red, puffy eyes.
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158. She's Zen, man.
I've taken her under my wing.
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159. I'm running a dojo of coolness.
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160. Jackie, demonstrate.
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161. Oogly-googly. Oogly.
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162. Yeah. It's her first day.
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163. Kitty, I don't want our daughter
dating that kettlehead.
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164. Well, maybe it's just a phase.
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165. No. He's been a kettlehead since...
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166. No, no. I meant Laurie.
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167. This is how it starts, you know.
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168. First they're dating and having fun...
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169. and then the next thing you know, they're
prying the money to pay for a wedding...
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170. from my cold, dead hands.
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171. Oh, honey.
They're not gonna get married.
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172. He'll leave her when she gets pregnant.
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173. Oh. Okay.
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174. I see Mr. Smiley isn't in town today.
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175. I expected more from her.
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176. What the hell is she doing with some
high school kid? She went to college.
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177. - Well, she did flunk out.
- Oh, Kitty.
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178. I can see how their future
is gonna turn out, and it's not good.
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179. More mashed potatoes, Red?
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180. Why, thank you,
Servitron 2000.
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181. Well, it's cold.
Damn foreign robots.
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182. Oh, it's so nice to have dinner
with the family like this.
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183. Yeah, it's a good thing we found
a babysitting droid for the quintuplets.
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184. So, Michael,
how's the job hunt going?
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185. Great. They had a real short line at
the unemployment office...
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186. so I got home in time to catch the end of
The Space Price Is Right.
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187. You know, times are tough
for me and Kelso right now.
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188. You'll help us, won't you, Daddy?
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189. I'll always be there for you, honey.
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190. I think she means financially, Red.
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191. I know what she means...
annoying kettlehead.
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192. You're giving us
more money, right, dude?
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193. - Yes, damn it!
- All right. All right.
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194. Hey, Laurie, I think
it's time for our "nap."
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195. All right. That's it!
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196. I've got to go to Saturn
on business for a week.
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197. And when I get back, you better have a job,
or it's off to the asteroid mines for you.
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198. Don't forget your briefcase, Red.
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199. Thank you, Servitron 2000.
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200. Now...
Roll back the roof, 'cause I gotta go.
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201. Jet pack, blast off.
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202. Red. Red.
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203. That's it.
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204. I'm just gonna tell her
that she can't see him anymore.
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205. No, no.
You can't do that, Red.
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206. In fact, the more we fight it, the more
she's gonna wanna be with... kettlehead.
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207. At this rate...
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208. I'm gonna have a heart attack
before I even get my jet pack.
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209. You know, I missed you guys.
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210. Yeah, this place just isn't the same
when I'm not around.
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211. Oh, hey. You guys wanna hear
a really funny story?
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212. I was just upstairs,
and Red was yelling at me about you.
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213. And, uh, then I said,
"What are you doing yelling at me?
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214. Kelso's right downstairs.
In fact, I'll go get him for you," I said.
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215. Say, that is a funny story.
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216. I don't care. I'll go talk to Red.
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217. He was really mean to me,
and here I'd brought him a five-pack.
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218. So I hope he's ready to apologize.
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219. Oh, yeah.
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220. Yeah, that's it.
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221. If there's one thing
Red's about, it's forgiveness.
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222. No, he's not.
He's the opposite of that.
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223. Oh, wait. I get you.
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224. Funny.
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225. Wait, uh...
Red, can't we leave that open?
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226. Have a seat, Kelso.
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227. You know, I've been thinking
a lot about your relationship...
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228. with my only daughter.
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229. She's a gem.
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230. Shut up.
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231. Kitty says if the two of you wanna see each
other, there's nothing I can do about it.
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232. But she's wrong,
'cause I could kill ya.
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233. That's a joke, Kelso. You should laugh
when I make a joke.
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234. Hey, good one, Red.
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235. See, you're making me think that I should
take a personal interest in you...
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236. and you don't want that.
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237. Take Eric, for example.
I have a personal interest in him.
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238. - Oh, God.
- There you go.
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239. What you wanna do here
is fly in under my radar...
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240. so that if I never see
you and Laurie together...
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241. or hear your name mentioned in the same
breath, I might just forget that you even exist.
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242. - Got it?
- Yeah.
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243. Okay, so you mean if-if me and Laurie...
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244. Oh, now, see? You just mentioned
my daughter's name.
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245. I'm sorry. Okay.
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246. Uh, if Kelso and your daughter...
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247. No, no, no. See... No, that's, uh...
that's not gonna work either.
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248. Well, this is hard, Red.
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249. Yeah, well, you're gonna be here till
you get it right, Kelso.
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250. Well, okay, Red, but eventually,
my parents are gonna come looking for me.
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251. Yeah, but they're not gonna find you.
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252. Oh, that's another joke.
Come on. Laugh, Kelso.
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253. Oh, you again. What happened, did they
let out kindergarten early today?
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254. Whatever.
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255. Jackie, don't you have a lame comeback
saved for just this very occasion?
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256. That's cool.
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257. Oh, so now you're little Miss Cool, huh?
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258. Whatever.
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259. Well, if you're really
as cool as you think you are...
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260. you would've been able to
hold on to your one, true love.
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261. But you couldn't could you?
Loser. Oh, well.
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262. Catfight!
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263. You guys, stop it!
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264. Ow! You bit me.
Jackie, hit her in the eye!
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265. - Oh!
- Ow, my eye!
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266. Oh, I know. We can pour water on them,
and then we can see through their shirts.
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267. Bitch!
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268. You kicked her ass, man.
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269. Yeah. Yeah.
Whatever.
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270. Oh, my gosh. I am so turned on.
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271. I can't believe Laurie bit me.
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272. I hope she didn't
give me, like, slut rabies.
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273. Jackie, you're my hero.
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274. You hit her in the eye.
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275. Yeah, but I guess
it wasn't very Zen of me, was it, Hyde?
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276. Well, where Zen ends,
ass-kicking begins.
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277. That's your final lesson, grasshopper.
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278. Hey, man.
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279. Let's do that thing
where we all sit in the circle again.
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280. Oh. One step ahead of you.
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281. The fact that you actually went into
the garage with Red, that's so brave.
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282. Yeah. I guess we both had to
fight for our love, baby.
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283. I'm coming in
the living room now.
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284. Well, hi there, kitten.
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285. Hi, Daddy.
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