Tenacious D 1x3

Directed by Tom Gianas • Troy Miller

Paul F. Tompkins as Paul • Ernest M. Garcia as Captain Ed • John C. Reilly as Sasquatch • Kirk Ward as Instructor • Tracy Young as Mother • Jill Talley as Nurse • Moon Unit Zappa as Art Gallery Visitor • Ned Bellamy as FBI Agent • Brooke Conrad as Jesus Ranch Cult Member

Jack and Kyle meet their biggest fan, Lee. / JB and KG get a gig down the road and take off on a road trip.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - Okay, um, the next band asked me

2. to read this.

3. "Caution. The Surgeon General of Rock

4. "warns that viewing this next band

5. is equal to 29 orgasms."

6. Here they are. Tenacious D.

7. I am not one of you.

8. I come from a distant time.

9. I am known

10. as the Angel Crusher.

11. These picks

12. that I give you

13. were molded in Satan's corner.

14. Take these picks.

15. They're souvenir Satan picks!

16. Explosivo.

17. - Wait, uh, announcement.

18. I accidentally threw my special pick.

19. It's a clear pick. I can't play—

20. I can't play without the clear pick,

21. so could I get that back, please?

22. - Goddamn it. Well, I don't know how to put this.

23. If I don't get the pick, show's over, so...

24. All right, I don't know who has the fucking pick,

25. but I hope you're happy,

26. because the show is ruined for everyone else.

27. No more D, buddy.

28. No more D. Fuck you.

29. Let's go, Kaginsky.

30. Fucking assholes.

31. Fuck you.

32. - Tenacious D, everyone.

33. It's always, uh,

34. always something with those guys.

35. - I got it!

36. No, it's a bottle cap.

37. - Kyle, did you look underneath the bar?

38. - Yeah. Nothing.

39. - Okay, you guys, seriously, sincerely,

40. you have to get out of here. We're closed.

41. - Look, tomorrow, when you're cleaning the floor,

42. if you find— - We only clean on holidays.

43. - Hi, Jack. Hey, Kyle.

44. Uh, I'm Lee. I've seen all your shows.

45. Kyle, you played your solo

46. a little different tonight, didn't you?

47. - Yeah.

48. - And Jack, you drank water tonight.

49. Usually, you have soda. Is your throat okay?

50. - Yeah, it's, uh, fine.

51. We have to go. - I'm your biggest fan.

52. I created a website for you guys.

53. I transcribed all your song lyrics.

54. I compiled a list of Tenacious D's favorite things.

55. Kyle, you love Jenny Craig macaroni and cheese,

56. and Jack, you play video golf.

57. - Okay.

58. Whoa.

59. - Look, it's very nice that you like the D,

60. and we're glad you had the opportunity to meet us.

61. - However, now we have to

62. bid you a fond adieu

63. and resolve the evening for its best tidings.

64. - Oh, hey, Jack, Kyle.

65. I think I have something for you guys.

66. - You found the pick!

67. Dude, we're back in business.

68. - Yeah.

69. - This dude is total stalker-azzi.

70. - He's full love knife material.

71. - Love knife? - Yeah.

72. They get in close, too close.

73. "Man, I love you guys so much.

74. I have to show you."

75. - And then, you're bloody all over,

76. but they think you're doing, like, a good thing.

77. - Guys.

78. - Okay, listen.

79. I just need a picture of the D for the website.

80. If you guys give me your address,

81. I'll be glad to pick it up.

82. - Okay, I'll tell you what we'll do.

83. You give us your address,

84. and we'll be happy to mail it to you.

85. - That'd be great!

86. Here.

87. Thank you.

88. Check out the website. - Yeah, we'll get right to it.

89. Hey, in fact, maybe we'll sprint home

90. so we'll get there sooner.

91. How did he find out where I was born?

92. - He's kookaburra, that's how.

93. Enough about you. Let's look at my page.

94. - We already did!

95. - I know, but maybe something's changed.

96. - Hey.

97. You know what we should do?

98. - Yeah.

99. Give this kid the double-dip,

100. cream dream thrill ride of his life.

101. - Hello? - Hey, Lee.

102. Hey. - Hey, buddy.

103. Here's that picture you wanted.

104. - And some backups.

105. - Oh, cool.

106. It's late.

107. All right.

108. I'm gonna go back to sleep.

109. You know, work in the morning.

110. - Lee is so awesome.

111. - Yeah.

112. - You have 33 messages.

113. - Lee, what up? It's the D.

114. So cool hanging with you last night.

115. You want to come over and play some video golf?

116. Call us back, broseph.

117. Lee rules!

118. - Message number 13.

119. - Lee. Lee!

120. It's KG.

121. Meet me and JB

122. at Los Burritos for some rude chowder, dude!

123. - Lee blows doors down! - See ya!

124. - Message number 29.

125. - Lee, it's Kage and Jables. We're still waiting for you.

126. Are you okay? Where are you?

127. We called all the hospitals!

128. You're not in any of them!

129. - Lee!

130. - Dude! Dude!

131. Hey, Lee. - Hi.

132. - Hi.

133. - Are you okay? - Yeah.

134. - Did someone hurt you?

135. - No. - Oh.

136. - Why did you guys break through my window?

137. - The door's been locked all day!

138. - Jack, don't!

139. Don't lay your trip on Lee.

140. Lee likes to dictate the pace and tempo

141. of every conversation. - Don't tell me about Lee.

142. I know more about Lee than you do.

143. Lee likes mashed potatoes,

144. not French fries.

145. - Oh, listen to you.

146. "Lee likes mashed potatoes, not French fries."

147. Anybody like Lee

148. doesn't want to hear your opinion.

149. - What did you just say? Aha!

150. Aha! - What? What? I said—

151. - You said, "Anybody like Lee?"

152. There's nobody like Lee.

153. That's so funny.

154. You think there's a million Lees out there?

155. That is so rich.

156. - Okay, okay, let's ask Lee.

157. - Lee. - Lee.

158. Lee. Lee. Lee. Lee. Lee. Lee. Lee. Lee.

159. - Lee?

160. Why are you crying?

161. - You guys are scaring me.

162. You're sick,

163. and...

164. I hope that you never get well.

165. I mean,

166. I've never been loved so much,

167. and it feels so good.

168. Thank you!

169. Take it, JB. T-take it.

170. - Hey. - Hey.

171. Jack, where are your shoes?

172. - On your fat fucking feet.

173. - Oh, dude, are these yours?

174. Sorry.

175. They're kind of loose on me, though.

176. - What are you saying, my feet are fat?

177. - Hey.

178. Go on a foot diet.

179. Worked for me.

180. - Why don't you go on a whole body diet?

181. - I am.

182. Starting with my feet.

183. - Come on.

184. - Okay, um, the next band asked me to read this.

185. "Attention.

186. "If you're ovulating,

187. "move away from the stage,

188. "because this band is so potent,

189. just sitting near them can get your pregnant."

190. Here they are. Tenacious D.

191. Thank you.

192. All right, we'd like to open up the floor to some Q and A,

193. so anyone who has some questions...

194. Okay, I'm gonna start if off myself.

195. Um...

196. Oh, here's one.

197. Uh, how do we write our songs?

198. - Well,

199. we write what we know.

200. - Right, we're reporters.

201. Stenographers.

202. We transcribe life

203. and put a little melody under it.

204. - You don't know what a stenographer is.

205. - Yes, I do. I know what a fucking stenographer is.

206. - Oh, yeah? What is it?

207. - I don't know what a fucking st—

208. So who car— What is it?

209. You don't know what a fucking stenographer is, homes.

210. Calling the kettle black.

211. - Okay, ladies, why don't you take your tea party elsewhere?

212. All right, please give a warm hand for your next...

213. - Yeah, yeah. Mission accomplished.

214. We made the audience our bitches,

215. and then we fucked their fannies hard.

216. - We gave them a good clop in the chops.

217. - Hey, guys, guys, guys.

218. Um, listen, could you take next week off?

219. - Oh, do you think we need a break?

220. - No, actually, I think that we need a break.

221. My brother's got this new club that he opened up,

222. and I promised him I'd throw him

223. some of my open mic-ers, so...

224. - A gig?

225. No problem! - We're there!

226. - Yeah, the thing is, it's out of town.

227. - Road gig!

228. - World tour.

229. - I mean, it's not far.

230. You could probably ride a bike to it.

231. Um... Oh, and there's a cover charge.

232. - Piece of the gate! Pro gig!

233. - No, you'd actually have to pay the cover to get in.

234. - It's still a fucking road gig!

235. - I mean, if you got on our roof,

236. you could see it from there.

237. You know?

238. - Oh, fuck.

239. - What?

240. - Fucking shit on a brick!

241. God damn it!

242. We're out.

243. - Man, I gassed up before we left.

244. - Wiper fluid, Kyle.

245. Look at that fucking bug.

246. We'll never get that off.

247. Agh!

248. All right.

249. - Hello, brothers.

250. Please, come in.

251. Mm.

252. Mm, mm.

253. - Hello, wanderers.

254. Welcome to Jesus Ranch.

255. I am Liggaguie.

256. - Uh, we're Tenacious D.

257. - You're welcome to join us for a circle church.

258. - W-what's that smell?

259. - Oh, that.

260. The collected leavings of the brethren.

261. - You mean your shits.

262. - Our... cult has a simple philosophy.

263. Each time you produce a stool,

264. you part with a portion of your soul.

265. We save our droppings

266. so that when we die,

267. we may be buried with them

268. and be complete upon reaching

269. the next world.

270. - Kyle, did you see that potato?

271. It's huge.

272. - How'd you get 'em so big?

273. - Our soil here is the richest in the world.

274. One of the benefits of living in our own waste.

275. - Yeah.

276. What are the others?

277. - Liggaguie.

278. - Fly? Lalie? What is it?

279. Attention.

280. This is the county health department.

281. This property has been condemned.

282. Leave your shit behind.

283. Wash your hands,

284. and come out, now.

285. - They've shut off the electricity and the plumbing.

286. - No one leaves.

287. - We all knew this day would come.

288. Laugh and rejoice.

289. - Okay.

290. I'm sorry about the apocalypse,

291. but we've got a gig.

292. - Everyone remain calm.

293. Come.

294. Gather in a circle

295. for a talent show.

296. - What do you think?

297. - Well, we could be here for a while.

298. - Let's bring in the heavy artillery.

299. - Go psychological on 'em.

300. - All guards on full alert.

301. - Dude, we gotta get out of here.

302. We got a gig in 25 minutes.

303. - We gotta do something.

304. - Got it. Battle of the bands.

305. - We fight their music with our music.

306. - Or...

307. we dig a tunnel out of here.

308. Or we build a laser.

309. Kyle, laser construction.

310. Ballpark and figures with me.

311. - Well, dude, we only got our guitars.

312. - You know what?

313. I'm leaning towards battle of the bands.

314. Strap on, Kyle. Let's ride!

315. - What is that?

316. - They're playing music back at us.

317. - Kind of hooky.

318. - Yeah, yeah, toe-tapping.

319. - How'd he get it so loud without electricity?

320. - They're leaving!

321. We've won!

322. You've saved us!

323. - More tomatoes?

324. - I do believe so, yes.

325. Mm.

326. - Oh.

327. - Life on the road, Kage.

328. Life on the road.

329. - Hey, guys.

330. I got that, uh, wiper fluid for you.

331. - I heard those guys somewhere before, I think.

332. - Yeah?

333. I liked 'em.

334. - Yeah, it's toe-tapping.

335. - We survived that one in one piece, eh, Kyle?

336. - Well, two pieces.

337. - Kyle, did we wear the same clothes

338. through the whole episode?

339. - Of course, Jack,

340. because the D washes with Explosivo,

341. that once-a-month detergent.

342. - Explosivo. For that once-a-month clean.

343. - Explosivo.

344. Go from this...

345. To this.