Tenacious D 1x2

Directed by Tom Gianas • Troy Miller

David Cross as Comic Dressed as Nun • Paul F. Tompkins as Paul • Laura Kightlinger as Groupie • Laura Milligan as Flarna • Kirk Ward as Armed Bandit • Ernest M. Garcia as Captain Ed • John C. Reilly as Sasquatch • Kirk Ward as Instructor / Police Officer • Tracy Young as Mother

The D goes to Captain Ed's for a T-Shirt Signing. / Jack and Kyle tell the story of when they met a demon in the desert.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - Okay, uh, the next band

2. asked me to read this.

3. "Stick around if you don't mind some cream in your jeans."

4. Here they are, Tenacious D!

5. - So, um...

6. If I was gonna say just one thing to y'all tonight...

7. I'd say, "Set the artist free."

8. I'm talking about this artist in here.

9. Set it free!

10. I'm saying quit your day job!

11. Now, I know a lot of you people here, you're saying,

12. "I can't quit my day job!

13. I've got kids to feed, Jack!"

14. Quit your day job!

15. Focus on your craft one time,

16. before it's all over, you've died,

17. you've squandered it, you fuckin' robots!

18. Now, after a couple of years

19. of you focusing earnestly on your craft,

20. KG and I will swoop in,

21. we will check out your progress,

22. and we will encourage you

23. to continue!

24. Or we will say, "Stop!"

25. And then, seriously, you must stop,

26. or penalties will be created and enforced,

27. 'cause listen...

28. This is the problem.

29. And I know what you're saying now!

30. "What makes you guys so fuckin' good?"

31. I don't fuckin' know!

32. And I don't like it!

33. I stay up going, "God!

34. Why can't everybody fuckin' have it?"

35. 'Cause this is the thing!

36. Some people learn it on the streets.

37. Some people learn it in the schools.

38. Me and KG, we were fuckin' born with it, homes.

39. Let's check it out.

40. - Thank you.

41. Listen, we're gonna be over

42. at, uh, Captain Ed's Records tomorrow

43. for a T-shirt signing

44. Tenacious D style. Thank you.

45. - Thank you! Good night!

46. - Listen,

47. if you're not gonna buy anything,

48. I have to ask you to move on.

49. - Thank you, but we're not customers.

50. - We're actually here on a rare

51. personal appearance T-shirt signing.

52. - We're Tenacious D.

53. - Greatest band on Earth.

54. - I was in a band once. A couple of bands.

55. Yep, I've seen it all.

56. I drove a car into a hotel room once.

57. Had a three-way with a pair of Siamese twins.

58. Ate an entire horse.

59. - That's pretty kickass.

60. - That's a cream dream.

61. - That's not the whole story.

62. 1967.

63. I'm onstage at the Fillmore East.

64. Jimi Hendrix is backstage throwing up.

65. Mama Cass is stirring a pot

66. of her famous spaghetti pie.

67. Janis Joplin's washing dishes and throwing up.

68. And then, the cops burst in.

69. As I'm trying to get out the back door,

70. this girl with a glass...

71. My guitar's on fire.

72. I've been up all night shooting cheese balls.

73. That's cocaine and cheese.

74. When I woke up the next morning,

75. I was in a Russian prison.

76. Total setup.

77. - It's a cream dream.

78. - That's not it at all.

79. The whole rock star mythos is a lie!

80. It'll lead you nowhere.

81. It's like when you believe in the Easter Bunny

82. or the Sasquatch.

83. - No!

84. - You mean Sasquatch isn't real?

85. - Look.

86. Look at me!

87. I'm your future.

88. Let the dream die!

89. Let the dream die!

90. Let it die.

91. Let the dream die. - Come on, Jack.

92. Let's go.

93. - Most of the psychological community

94. agrees there are five stages

95. a person must go through

96. when confronting death.

97. The first stage is anger.

98. - Fuckin' Captain Ed!

99. Joint sucker!

100. Fuckin' cock smoker!

101. - Probably not even a captain!

102. - Did you see how fuckin' fat that fuckin' lard-ass was?

103. - Oh yeah.

104. - The second stage is denial.

105. - Jack, our world tour is just around the corner.

106. We've got to make a list of our backstage demands!

107. Okay, M&M's, two red for every blue,

108. Seven strippers, three of Kyle, three for Jack,

109. one floater.

110. - And one retired astronaut. - Good.

111. - Kyle, could you stretch out your arm?

112. I'm measuring you for our tuxes.

113. - For what? - For Grammy night, buddy.

114. You don't want to go looking like a hayseed.

115. Right? Right. - Uh...

116. - The third stage:

117. Door-to-door rocking.

118. - Okay, thank you.

119. - The fourth stage:

120. Temp job.

121. - Canadian yarn art!

122. It sells itself, fellas!

123. Now, get out there,

124. and sell it.

125. - The fifth stage:

126. Acceptance.

127. - Goodbye, Brown Eyes.

128. We wrote some classic ones.

129. We knocked 'em on their ass.

130. Now, I want you to look over there.

131. I'm gonna tell you about the rabbits.

132. Can you see them, Brown Eyes?

133. Can you see 'em, Brown Eyes?

134. Kyle...

135. - The rock star mythos is a lie.

136. It's like when you believe in the Easter Bunny,

137. or the Sasquatch.

138. - It's okay!

139. - Don't take this personally,

140. 'cause it's not about your playing.

141. - No, dude, your drumming is kickass.

142. - It's just that the D,

143. it's always just been me and KG.

144. - And we're just not comfortable being a power trio.

145. - I hope there's no hard feelings.

146. - That Tenacious D, they're kickass.

147. - And who should I tell them said that?

148. - Tell them it was Sasq—

149. Tell them it was a friend.

150. - Okay.

151. You know what? You better tell 'em it was Sasquatch.

152. They won't know what friend you're talking about.

153. - Oh, okay. Sure. - See you.

154. - Yeah. Soon.

155. - Wow, we sure showed them, huh, Kyle?

156. Kyle, what's wrong?

157. - Dude, I'm—I'm balding.

158. - Yeah, dude, you are bald!

159. - Ding. Balding!

160. - Yeah, ding. Balding. - Ding.

161. - Balding.

162. - I can't be on television with this head.

163. - Kage, you're my brother.

164. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

165. I'm gonna give you some of my hair for a transplant.

166. - Buddy, you would do that? - Yeah.

167. You can have any of the hair from my soul patch.

168. - Your soul patch?

169. That'll take months! I need a long, flowing mane!

170. - All right, all right,

171. if you're gonna be a whiny bitch about it,

172. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do because you're my brother,

173. I'm gonna give you some of my ass hair.

174. Just the straight ones.

175. Not the curly ones, them's mine.

176. - I don't want your stanky ass hair on my head.

177. - Well, that's not what you said last night.

178. - I was cold.

179. - Oh! I'm on the green!

180. Putter, please. - You hit the wall.

181. - No, no, no, no, I hit the lampshade, Kyle.

182. - On the rebound! Doesn't count!

183. You gotta hit the wall again before you're on the green.

184. - All right, step up then, Kyle.

185. Jack Nickl-ass.

186. - All right, all right.

187. Watch and learn there, Tiger.

188. Oh, lampshade! Direct hit!

189. Hole in one!

190. - Hi.

191. - What?

192. - I'm Hank Richler, your new neighbor.

193. - New neighbor! Hi!

194. So you have a welcome gift.

195. - Uh, no.

196. I just moved in this past weekend.

197. Yesterday.

198. I'm a writer. Uh, I'm trying to be a writer.

199. But I'm pretty quiet,

200. so, uh, you don't have to worry about me.

201. - Silence is goldy.

202. Good, good. Okay, well, um,

203. if you need anything, you know, just.

204. Give me one of those.

205. - Thanks.

206. - Bye.

207. - Bye.

208. Frickin' nosy neighbors!

209. Kyle, we've got a big gig tonight!

210. Commence pre-show rituals!

211. The ancients knew that extreme hot or cold

212. keened the performance edge.

213. - Switch!

214. Comin' at you, buddy. - Okay.

215. - I wish there was room for two.

216. - How you feeling? - Oh, just great. Great.

217. - Stop whistling!

218. - One's mind must be focused for maximum performance.

219. Okay, Kyle, just grab an end of string,

220. swallow it, and when it comes out your butthole,

221. it will have purified your insides.

222. "Meditatious" D.

223. - Jack.

224. - I know.

225. - We— - Kyle, I know!

226. You weren't' supposed to use—

227. I thought you were— Okay, come on.

228. Let's go. Let's go! Get the scissors.

229. Stay still. Okay, come on, crab walk.

230. God damn it, just stay with me.

231. Okay, hold it. Scissors.

232. Got 'em.

233. Okay.

234. - I'm trying to work in here!

235. - Shut up!

236. To draw on the energy of the cosmos,

237. one must open a conduit to the heavens, i.e.--

238. We need a skylight.

239. - Shut up in there!

240. - JB!

241. Skylight!

242. - That's enough!

243. - Oh, officer, uh, my goodness,

244. Do—what brings you here?

245. - We support our local police.

246. - Listen, we got a report about noise.

247. What the hell is going on in here?

248. - We're just rehearsing.

249. - Sounded like you were pounding

250. the hell out of the ceiling.

251. - That's them, officer!

252. I'm a writer! I'm trying to write in here!

253. They're making noise! - All right, all right.

254. Okay.

255. - Okay, can I tell you our side of the story?

256. - Yeah, we're the victims.

257. - I'm glad you're here, because I was just about to call you.

258. - Oh, really? What's going on?

259. - A long time ago,

260. me and my brother, Kyle, here,

261. we were hitchhiking

262. down a long and lonesome road.

263. All of a sudden,

264. there shined a shiny demon

265. in the middle of the road.

266. And he said,

267. - Well, me and Kyle,

268. we looked at each other,

269. and we each said—

270. Okay.

271. And it saved our butts.

272. - Well, needless to say,

273. the beast was stunned.

274. He asked us,

275. "Be you angels?"

276. And we said,

277. "Nay, we are but men!"

278. - Rock!

279. And the peculiar thing is this, my friends,

280. The song we played on that fateful night

281. didn't actually sound anything like this song!

282. - All right, I've heard enough.

283. Listen, don't call us again unless you have a good reason.

284. - But—but—

285. I'm a writer!

286. - Barely made it out of that one, huh, Kage?

287. - Yeah, thanks to our Rocket Sauce.

288. - Rocket Sauce helps you rock out

289. all day and night.

290. - Jack, are there any side effects?

291. - You know, just the usual,

292. you rock out and then you itch like a motherfucker.