Tenacious D 1x1

Directed by Tom Gianas

Paul F. Tompkins as Paul • Laura Kightlinger as Groupie • Laura Milligan as Flarna • David Cross as Nun • Kirk Ward as Robber

Jack and Kyle have to think of a new song in a week for the open mic contest. / Jack falls in love with Flarna, but Kyle gets jealous and makes a bold move to steal her from Jack.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - Okay, um, up next,

2. these two guys have been here for the last couple weeks.

3. Um...

4. Um, they asked me to read this.

5. "If you want your asses blown out,

6. stay in the room."

7. Ladies and gentlemen,

8. Tenacious D!

9. You know what time it is!

10. This is a song called "The History of Tenacious D,"

11. and it's not just a list of things

12. that we've done in the past.

13. But it's also a chronicling

14. of our rise to power!

15. Oh, God!

16. Go now, Kyle! Go now, Kyle!

17. Supreme!

18. We rocked.

19. We rocked so hard.

20. - Yeah.

21. We rock.

22. - Screenmaster 5000.

23. Hey, this is Jack Black

24. and the Tenacious D hotline.

25. Leave a message.

26. - Hey, Jack, Kyle, you there?

27. Okay, uh, this is Paul at the club.

28. Uh, great job the other night.

29. Um, we want to have you guys on next week's show.

30. But, uh, you guys gotta write a new song.

31. 'Cause that one song you keep playing,

32. we've heard a lot.

33. So if you come up with a new song,

34. we'll see you in a week.

35. If not, don't come. Bye.

36. - Where do songs come from?

37. Inspirado.

38. I mean, I could 23 skidoo you a song,

39. I could zip-a-dee-doo-dah you a song,

40. but that would be false.

41. It would be wrong.

42. - Jack, come on. Let's just write a song.

43. - I mean, you can't manufacture

44. inspirado.

45. It arises from a stillness, a quietude.

46. When your heart mingles with your soul,

47. and, oh, man, they do the dance.

48. The ancient—

49. I swallowed a bug.

50. Sometimes if you find a rhythm, that's it.

51. You've found the song.

52. Yeah.

53. - Good.

54. - Ba!

55. Yeah.

56. - We're taping, right? We're taping, right?

57. - Yeah. - We're taping, right?

58. Gotta sure we got this on tape!

59. Ah!

60. Always record, always record.

61. - It looked like it was on.

62. - Sometimes you just gotta clear your head,

63. and the song finds you.

64. "Rocket Sauce," take one.

65. - Dude, that's the ice cream song.

66. - I know, I know.

67. - Sometimes, you gotta leave your zone of safety.

68. You have to manufacture inspirado.

69. You gotta get out of the apartment.

70. You've got to run with the wolves.

71. You've got to dive into the ocean

72. and bite with the sharks.

73. Or just treat yourself

74. to a delicious hot fudge sundae with nuts.

75. Let's kick it!

76. I'll say, "Kick it!"

77. And you'll just kick it with a tasty groove, okay?

78. One, two, three, kick it.

79. Kick it, come on.

80. God damn it! God! Kyle!

81. Could you one time kick it?

82. What the fuck?

83. - Jack, don't put it all on me.

84. I've been sitting here, waitin'!

85. - Okay, we've got a crucial,

86. Clutch Cargo gig coming up,

87. Kyle, you cocksucker!

88. You don't give a shit!

89. And I've been sitting around

90. getting sick of your attitude, you fucker!

91. You fucking bitch!

92. - I don't think I like your attitude.

93. - You fucker!

94. - You know what? I quit!

95. Why? Why? Shit! Why?

96. - That's true.

97. - Come on, Kyle.

98. One time, come on!

99. - Damn, we barely made it out of that one, huh, Kage?

100. - Yeah.

101. Hey, I gotta ask you something.

102. I can't make rehearsal this weekend.

103. - Oh, okay, we'll reschedule.

104. What's your conflict anyways?

105. Are you needed in Slumberland?

106. - No, it's kind of important.

107. I have to attend my sister's wedding.

108. - Aw, that's legit.

109. - In fact, I'm playing during the reception.

110. - What? No! Kyle!

111. No side projects. You know the deal.

112. - Jack, it's my sister's wedding.

113. - Yeah, well what about our blood oath, Kyle?

114. What if some big shit record guy

115. is at the fucking wedding,

116. and he cuts you a deal right there, huh?

117. Next thing I know,

118. I'm at the dentist's office,

119. and I hear the mellow sounds of the Kyle Gass Project

120. coming over the radio!

121. All the fucking work I put in to nurturing you,

122. and your diva fucking bullshit!

123. Listening to all your crap,

124. and then fucking covering up all the holes,

125. with a,

126. or a.

127. And that's all that I get?

128. Fuck you!

129. You fucking bitch!

130. - So you want to come to the wedding

131. and the D will play?

132. - No, but I appreciate being asked.

133. You may play, Kyle.

134. You may play.

135. My best to your sister.

136. - Kyle...

137. If I was in a wheelchair,

138. would you visit me, feed me, brush my teeth?

139. - Yes.

140. - Would you read to me?

141. - Why couldn't you read?

142. - Just don't want to.

143. - Yes.

144. - Would you take a bullet for me?

145. - No.

146. - Well, I killed!

147. Did you see me? - Oh, we're up?

148. Oh, God! - Did you see me?

149. Killed.

150. - Okay.

151. This next act asked me to read this.

152. "Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, and Molly Hatchet

153. "could not be here tonight.

154. "But they all had sex,

155. "and are proud to announce the birth

156. of their two-headed baby, Tenacious D."

157. So Tenacious D!

158. - Kyle Gass on lead guitar.

159. On lead vocal is me, JB.

160. Hey, I call 'em like I see 'em.

161. And there's a lot of possible

162. "Backstage Betties"

163. in the audience tonight.

164. How's it going?

165. "How's it going? Are you flowing?"

166. Listen, honey...

167. Booyah!

168. - Look at that.

169. Dude, we rock.

170. - Hey, boys.

171. You were incredible.

172. Your songs,

173. The way you, ah, moved!

174. You did it.

175. You blew me away.

176. So which one of you assholes is gonna fuck me?

177. - I will!

178. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

179. That's not what we're about.

180. Hey, don't confuse the art

181. with the artist.

182. I mean, yeah, up on stage,

183. I'm the shit.

184. I'm Zeus, I'm Elvis.

185. But back here...

186. I'm just plain ol' Jack.

187. I ain't what you're looking for, ba—

188. - Jack, what is up? She was good to go!

189. - Kyle, my heart belongs to another.

190. Her name is Flarna,

191. and she is a fucking flower, dude.

192. She's an angel in disguise.

193. When I see her, I get so nervous,

194. I can't even talk to her.

195. I want her to like me so bad,

196. that I just

197. - Wow.

198. What's she like?

199. - She's totally into Satan.

200. - You love Satan. - I know!

201. She's got her spine pierced.

202. - Dude, you're totally into spinal piercing.

203. - And she loves to clog!

204. - Clog? Yeah!

205. - You know what I'm— - Dude, she sounds perfect.

206. Where'd you meet her?

207. She works over at Captain Ed's Records.

208. - Captain Ed's. - I know!

209. - Hey, man.

210. I gotta take off.

211. - Kyle, listen.

212. My relationship with Flarna

213. will in no way affect our friendship, ever.

214. You know what?

215. I want to give you something.

216. It's a friendship medallion.

217. This medallion, it means we'll always be friends.

218. Forever.

219. - Okay.

220. Gotta go.

221. - Kyle. - Yeah?

222. - Friendship. - Friendship!

223. - Kyle, I'm gonna write the Flarna Song.

224. - Um, there are no tickets on sale today,

225. if that's what this is.

226. - Oh!

227. But what about for the, uh,

228. International Clogging Championships?

229. - You like clogging?

230. - Oh, jeez, it's my biggest weakness,

231. outside of my love of Satan.

232. - No way. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

233. Hey, uh, how late are you open?

234. Because I'm getting my spine pierced later.

235. I don't even believe this!

236. My spine is pierced,

237. and I'm totally into Satan.

238. - Really? No way! - Oh my God!

239. Jack!

240. - Hi, Kyle.

241. How's the clogging coming along?

242. Hi, Flarna.

243. - Hi...

244. - Jack.

245. - Oh, yeah, Jack! You fixed my car!

246. - No, no.

247. We met at the thing.

248. - Well, um...

249. I gotta go open the store.

250. - I love her, dude.

251. Hi-ya!

252. Ahh!

253. - Magic flying fast food sack!

254. - Magic spinning loose change!

255. - Don't you dare touch her!

256. No!

257. Oh, no, Kyle, no!

258. No!

259. Why?

260. - Yeah?

261. - Whoa!

262. - If you'd like to read

263. about the people and places in this week's episode,

264. you'll want the full set of Tenacious D encyclopedias.

265. - 36 leather-bound volumes

266. will arrive at your doorstep every month

267. until you have all 3,012 of them.

268. - Guaranteed to kick the other encyclopedia's asses.

269. - Good night!