1. Mush!Copy !req
2. Now, that's a cup of coffee. It's strong.Copy !req
3. Good though.Copy !req
4. I got you something.Copy !req
5. I love somethings.Copy !req
6. What is this?Copy !req
7. Sense and Sensibility. I love this book.Copy !req
8. I loved the movie more though.Copy !req
9. Wait, is this, like,
a first edition or something?Copy !req
10. - Yep. And it's signed.
- No.Copy !req
11. "Keeley, you go girl! Jane Austen."Copy !req
12. Did you destroy a priceless artifact
just to make me laugh?Copy !req
13. One, it wasn't priceless.
It was actually very expensive.Copy !req
14. Two, I can get very jealous,
and I hate the idea of you regifting that.Copy !req
15. And three, no, I didn't. That is all her.Copy !req
16. And she really wants you to "go girl,"
so, you better go girl.Copy !req
17. I'll go. Watch me.Copy !req
18. Come here. Thank you.Copy !req
19. You're welcome.Copy !req
20. Hey, Cindy. How are you? Good.Copy !req
21. How you doing, brother? You okay?Copy !req
22. - Good morning, Faridah.
- Morning, Sam.Copy !req
23. Okay. I have a favor to ask.Copy !req
24. Do we have an open table on Friday night?Copy !req
25. You're being serious? No.Copy !req
26. The restaurant is booked for months.
The waiting list is a lie we tell people.Copy !req
27. Okay. We have a very special guest
coming, so I need a "Ray Liotta" for one.Copy !req
28. I'll take care of it, take care of it.Copy !req
29. You're the best.Copy !req
30. - Okay. Thank you.
- Fuck you!Copy !req
31. If you will excuse me.Copy !req
32. - Is everything okay in here?
- I don't know.Copy !req
33. - Is everything okay in here?
- Yes, Chef!Copy !req
34. - Everything's fine.
- So who were you talking to?Copy !req
35. - Brinda Barot.
- And was she here?Copy !req
36. No, poo poo head.Copy !req
37. A refugee boat's coming in,Copy !req
38. and our home secretary
wants to send them away.Copy !req
39. - Why would she do that?
- Because she's the devil.Copy !req
40. - Right?
- Yes, Chef!Copy !req
41. Okay, listen. Brinda Barot sucks for sure,Copy !req
42. but, Simi,
it's way too early to be this angry.Copy !req
43. Maybe you should start drinking
coffee again. It's better for your heart.Copy !req
44. Why are you here?Copy !req
45. Is there a photo shoot
for Footballer Passion Project Magazine,Copy !req
46. or something?Copy !req
47. No, I just stopped by
to make sure everything was okay.Copy !req
48. Everything is perfect.Copy !req
49. What about the spoons?Copy !req
50. They don't match.Copy !req
51. Samuel, if the food is good, which it is,
no one cares about the spoons.Copy !req
52. - Am I right?
- Yes, Chef!Copy !req
53. You know, just...
My father is coming this weekend.Copy !req
54. So— Fuck. And I just—
I want everything to be perfect.Copy !req
55. He's coming all the way from Nigeria.Copy !req
56. If this bitch lets him in.Copy !req
57. All right, fellas, focus up here.Copy !req
58. Right about now,
Roy's gonna make things dark...Copy !req
59. so that Coach Beard here
can shed some light. Coach.Copy !req
60. At the 1974 World Cup,Copy !req
61. the tiny country of the Netherlands
came out of nowhereCopy !req
62. and made it all the way
to the World Cup Final,Copy !req
63. playing the home team,
heavily favored Germany.Copy !req
64. Those Dutch hippies scored before
the Germans even touched the ball.Copy !req
65. Yeah, but Holland lost that game.Copy !req
66. Correct. But along the way, they won
the hearts of fans all around the worldCopy !req
67. with a style of play— dare I say,
a philosophy— called Total Football.Copy !req
68. Which, coincidentally, Coach dreamed upCopy !req
69. in a barbecue-sauce-related hallucination
just last week.Copy !req
70. No, it's true. But hey, it's not about me.
Go on, keep shining.Copy !req
71. The best player on that teamCopy !req
72. and the godfather of Total Football
was this guy.Copy !req
73. Can anyone tell me who this is?Copy !req
74. That's Tim Robinson
from I Think You Should Leave.Copy !req
75. No. It is Dutch football legend,
Johan Cruyff.Copy !req
76. It's pronounced Cruijff.Copy !req
77. My apologies. With Total Football,Copy !req
78. - Johan Cruijff...
- That's it.Copy !req
79. took his small club Ajax
to three straight European titles.Copy !req
80. Now, he later became a coach,
first at Ajax,Copy !req
81. and then he took Total Football
to Barcelona,Copy !req
82. where he won the Spanish championship
four years in a row.Copy !req
83. Now a central cog of that team
was an industriousCopy !req
84. but brilliant midfielder
named Josep Guardiola.Copy !req
85. AKA Pep.Copy !req
86. Look at that head of hair.Copy !req
87. God had to take it awayCopy !req
88. just to balance things out, you know?Copy !req
89. Pep became a coach as well,
honing his own version of Total FootballCopy !req
90. that he took to Barcelona
and Bayern Munich,Copy !req
91. eventually landing
at our great white whale, Manchester City.Copy !req
92. Where he briefly coached
a very talented young player...Copy !req
93. until that beautiful dum-dum quit
to go do a reality show.Copy !req
94. I was robbed!Copy !req
95. Total Football is about constant movement.
Players are no longer in set positions.Copy !req
96. Defenders are free to attack.
Attackers are trusted to defend.Copy !req
97. It's about taking risks
and supporting each other's choices.Copy !req
98. Like when your friend wears something new
and outside his comfort zone,Copy !req
99. and instead of ignoring it,
everybody pays him a compliment.Copy !req
100. By the way, great hat, Ash.Copy !req
101. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
102. - It's pretty sweet.
- Yeah, it frames his face nicely.Copy !req
103. Exactly. Total Football is about
letting go of your baggageCopy !req
104. and trusting your intuition.Copy !req
105. It's jazz. It's Motown. It's Mamet.
It's Pinter. It's Einstein.Copy !req
106. It's Keurig. It's Gaga!Copy !req
107. It's my mother proudly displaying
her vibrator on the bedside table!Copy !req
108. It's about throwing off the constraints
put upon you by society and by yourselves!Copy !req
109. We all know football is life.Copy !req
110. But a beautiful life...Copy !req
111. is Total Football.Copy !req
112. That's good. That's you right there.Copy !req
113. Give it up, that's Coach.Copy !req
114. All right, fellas, we wanted y'all to knowCopy !req
115. a little bit about the history
of Total Football,Copy !req
116. because that's what we're gonna
start playing here.Copy !req
117. What? No. No, wait. What?Copy !req
118. Oi! You turn those frowns upside down
'cause we're fucking doing this.Copy !req
119. We're gonna drill it, we're gonna train it
and then in a couple of months,Copy !req
120. we're taking Total Football
to the fucking pitch.Copy !req
121. No, actually we're gonna do it
this Saturday against Arsenal.Copy !req
122. - Well, that's fucking mental.
- No, it'll be fine.Copy !req
123. Hush your butts!Copy !req
124. Hush your butt! Let's go. Come on.Copy !req
125. No, no, no. Cool it.
It's gonna be fine. I don't wanna hear it.Copy !req
126. - Let's go, come on!
- I hear butts!Copy !req
127. Hush your butt, hush your butt,
hush your butt. Gotta hush them butts.Copy !req
128. Isaac, come on, be a captain.
Get that butt hushed.Copy !req
129. I don't wanna hear it, Van Damme.
Hush your butt.Copy !req
130. Ms. Jones, we have a problem. The—
Oh, no, wait, actually, no, we don't.Copy !req
131. Sorry, sort of force of habit
or something.Copy !req
132. - I'm just dropping this off.
- Thank you.Copy !req
133. That's very lovely. May I?Copy !req
134. Yeah, of course, go.Copy !req
135. I never would've
thought that you liked books.Copy !req
136. I mean, that you collect first editions.Copy !req
137. Oh, no, I don't.
That was a gift from Jack.Copy !req
138. Wow. What a very nice gift
to receive. From your boss.Copy !req
139. She's not really my boss, right?
She's helping me execute my vision.Copy !req
140. It must be nice to have
such a generous friend that,Copy !req
141. delivers expensive gifts
to your place of work.Copy !req
142. No, no. She gave it to me this morning
when we had breakfast together.Copy !req
143. Coffee. We had a coffee together.Copy !req
144. At a coffee shop.
But we didn't arrive together.Copy !req
145. We came from separate places,
and we met there.Copy !req
146. She was late actually.Copy !req
147. Well, I had a warm yogurt
on the tube in my pajamas.Copy !req
148. You take the tube in your pajamas?Copy !req
149. Yeah, sometimes, yes.
When I want to beat the rush.Copy !req
150. And then I just get changed
in the toilets when I get here.Copy !req
151. Smart.Copy !req
152. - Ms. Jones.
- Barbara.Copy !req
153. - Hey, Siri.
- Yes, Wunderkind?Copy !req
154. Could you set a reminder
for tomorrow at 7:00 p.m.Copy !req
155. for Nicole's birthday dinner? Thank you.Copy !req
156. Okay, your reminder
is set for tomorrow at 7:00.Copy !req
157. - Siri.
- Yes, Wunderkind?Copy !req
158. How can you tell if a girl likes you
or is just being nice to you?Copy !req
159. You can't.Copy !req
160. So now I'm starting to get
all these subtle, little hints from Jane.Copy !req
161. Like, certain magazines left
on the coffee tableCopy !req
162. and always hearing about her friends
who are doing it.Copy !req
163. Well, marriage is a big commitment,
you know?Copy !req
164. No, I'm talking about pegging.Copy !req
165. Well, still.Copy !req
166. Wait, what magazines?Copy !req
167. - Here you go, lads.
- Thanks, Mae.Copy !req
168. - You okay, Mae?
- No.Copy !req
169. We win, this place is packed.
We lose, it's like this.Copy !req
170. I actually prefer it. You can finally hear
yourself think in here.Copy !req
171. Fuck off.Copy !req
172. Hey, Lasso. We wanted to apologize.Copy !req
173. - What for?
- For getting all soft on you.Copy !req
174. Yeah, we humanized you
and lost all objectivity.Copy !req
175. Main reason why farmers
don't name their livestock.Copy !req
176. And why we don't learn the names
of Baz's brother's girlfriends anymore.Copy !req
177. Because he's a male whore.Copy !req
178. Exactly.
So we're gonna backslide a little bit.Copy !req
179. Now what the fuck are you doing
to our team, wanker?Copy !req
180. - Okay.
- You— Well— Now, hold on,Copy !req
181. hold on, hold on, Coach.Copy !req
182. Well, I tell you what, fellas.Copy !req
183. Why don't you come watch
training tomorrow? See for yourselves.Copy !req
184. We ain't running a chocolate factory
or Deutsche Bank.Copy !req
185. We got nothing to hide from y'all.
See you tomorrow?Copy !req
186. Yeah. You will.Copy !req
187. What?Copy !req
188. - Should I wear a suit?
- I'm definitely gonna take a shower.Copy !req
189. - I mean, gotta do that. Yeah, definitely.
- Yeah.Copy !req
190. Coach, you sure it's smart
to invite fans to our practices?Copy !req
191. It's their team. We're just borrowing it
for a little while. You know?Copy !req
192. Anyway,Copy !req
193. I guess marriage and pegging
aren't really that different.Copy !req
194. Yeah, it's all about compromise.Copy !req
195. - There he is!
- God! Sorry.Copy !req
196. The hottest coach in the league!Copy !req
197. Thank you.Copy !req
198. I won a lot of money off your lot.
So, keep it up. Please.Copy !req
199. Table for one?Copy !req
200. No, I thought I'd— Just passing.
Is Jade working today? Do you know?Copy !req
201. No, she's off Tuesdays.
She goes to school.Copy !req
202. Or feeds her mum.
I don't listen, so I don't really know.Copy !req
203. Okay. Well, just say that I said hello.Copy !req
204. Actually, you know what,
don't say anything.Copy !req
205. Actually, no, do. Say, if you—Copy !req
206. No. Just don't say anything.
Unless she asks after me.Copy !req
207. In which case, just say that I said hello.Copy !req
208. - And why would she ask after you?
- Exactly. I don't kn—Copy !req
209. Thank you, Derek.Copy !req
210. Thank you. Bye. Yes, no, just— Yeah.Copy !req
211. All right.Copy !req
212. - Hey, Trent.
- Hello, Ted.Copy !req
213. - Hey, Ted!
- Hey, fellas!Copy !req
214. The fuck are they doing here?Copy !req
215. I don't know. Ask Beard,
he's the one who invited them.Copy !req
216. All right, my Merry Pranksters.Copy !req
217. If we're gonna play Total Football,
there are four things we need to focus on.Copy !req
218. All right? Number one, conditioning.
Y'all gotta get into even better shape.Copy !req
219. Number two, versatility.
Number three, awareness.Copy !req
220. And number four...Copy !req
221. I don't know what that one is yet.
But I know it's important.Copy !req
222. Starting today, we're gonna have
to turn things up a notch around here.Copy !req
223. So I'ma hand it over
to your drill instructor,Copy !req
224. Sergeant Roy Kent.Copy !req
225. Whistle! On your feet, maggots!Copy !req
226. Right.Copy !req
227. Today you're gonna run
from end to end to end to end.Copy !req
228. But lucky for you, I'm in a good mood.Copy !req
229. So you've only gotta do that
for the whole fucking practice.Copy !req
230. Whistle.Copy !req
231. - Why doesn't he just use a whistle?
- He's allergic to metal.Copy !req
232. Football stars, they're just like us.Copy !req
233. Run!Copy !req
234. You sure you don't want a plastic whistle?Copy !req
235. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
236. - Cute flowers.
- Thanks.Copy !req
237. Yeah, daisies are my favorite.Copy !req
238. - And I thought I was.
- Wait!Copy !req
239. Why'd you do that?Copy !req
240. Shit, you're right, yeah.Copy !req
241. - No. Off. On. On?
- Keeley. Keeley.Copy !req
242. - On or off? Off? On or off?
- Keeley. Keeley, s—Copy !req
243. - On? On. Do you want it on or off?
- Keeley. Keeley.Copy !req
244. - On or off? Off? On? Off or on?
- Stop. Give it to me. Thank you.Copy !req
245. - What's going on?
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
246. I am just not built
for a secret office romance.Copy !req
247. I'm used to everyone
knowing everything about me.Copy !req
248. Barbara saw the book that you gave me,Copy !req
249. and, I didn't think that I could
tell her that we were dating,Copy !req
250. because I don't want us to get in trouble.Copy !req
251. We can't get into trouble
'cause we are two consenting adults.Copy !req
252. And I'm get-away-with-murder rich, so...Copy !req
253. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
254. - Like who else? Name names.
- Everyone connected to Epstein.Copy !req
255. Keeley, I don't care if people
in the office know we're dating, do you?Copy !req
256. No, of course not. I just didn't know
how serious you were about this.Copy !req
257. Come with me.Copy !req
258. Okay.Copy !req
259. Hey, everyone. Quick announcement.Copy !req
260. Keeley and I are dating.Copy !req
261. And it's brand-new,
but I'm serious about it.Copy !req
262. And so both of us just wanted to let you
all know so that there were no secrets.Copy !req
263. 'Cause it's all good.
I'm not crazy. She's not crazy.Copy !req
264. You're not crazy, right?Copy !req
265. Neither of us are crazy.Copy !req
266. But, if any of you have
any issues or concerns about this at all,Copy !req
267. please do not hesitate to come
and speak to me or Keeley or Barbara.Copy !req
268. Cool?Copy !req
269. Cool.Copy !req
270. And congratulations, Jack and Keeley.Copy !req
271. - Love is love, I— Right.
- No, that's enough, Dan. Thank you.Copy !req
272. This is some of the best puking
I've ever seen.Copy !req
273. Yeah, me too. And we spend
most of our lives at the pub.Copy !req
274. All right. Nice job, gentlemen.
Okay, that's it for today.Copy !req
275. Now we scrimmage!Copy !req
276. Honestly, my jacket's still a bit canal-y.Copy !req
277. It's really bad.Copy !req
278. Okay, so, you never got his name?Copy !req
279. And you never told him yours?Copy !req
280. Yeah, see,
that part's not that weird to me.Copy !req
281. If you really didn't have sex
with the guy, now that is fucking bonkers.Copy !req
282. Look, what we shared, it just—Copy !req
283. It transcended sex. It was...Copy !req
284. - Magic.
- Gezellig.Copy !req
285. But, yeah, I would've liked
to have seen his penis.Copy !req
286. - It is so good to see you.
- You too.Copy !req
287. It has been way too long.Copy !req
288. Because I've lost you to another woman.Copy !req
289. - I know. I'm sorry.
- I am joking.Copy !req
290. So come on. How's it going?Copy !req
291. It is great. I mean, she is so cool.Copy !req
292. She's smart. Super foxy.Copy !req
293. She's an amazing gift-giver.Copy !req
294. Oh, my God, and the way she proclaimed
our relationship to the entire office.Copy !req
295. It was so fucking hot.Copy !req
296. I think she might be love bombing you.Copy !req
297. - She's "love what-ing" me?
- Love bombing.Copy !req
298. That's when you're bombarded
with expensive gifts and tripsCopy !req
299. and grand gestures of love.Copy !req
300. They call it love bombing.Copy !req
301. - Who does?
- I don't know. They do.Copy !req
302. Those "they" out there that name stuff.Copy !req
303. But what I do know is that
on my second date with Rupert—Copy !req
304. Second date,Copy !req
305. he took me to a car showroom
and said, "Which one do you want?"Copy !req
306. I would fucking love that.Copy !req
307. What did you do?Copy !req
308. Well, I asked him if he was referring
to the cars or the beautiful saleswomenCopy !req
309. suddenly tripping over themselves
to help us.Copy !req
310. And?Copy !req
311. I drove home in a bloody lovely Jaguar,
of course.Copy !req
312. It just felt nice to be taken care of
for once.Copy !req
313. Look,Copy !req
314. I'm not saying that Jack is like Rupert.Copy !req
315. But sometimes shiny things can tarnish.Copy !req
316. I think it's fine.Copy !req
317. Okay, good. Good.Copy !req
318. Just trust yourself.Copy !req
319. I ignored so many red flags in my past.Copy !req
320. Yeah. Well, maybe we're love blind?Copy !req
321. Love blind. What's that?Copy !req
322. It's an emotional version of
color blindness where a person interpretsCopy !req
323. red flags as giant green,
just-fucking-go-for-it flags.Copy !req
324. - Did you come up with that?
- Yeah, I did.Copy !req
325. Oh, my God. You're one of those
"they" that name stuff.Copy !req
326. - Shit, I think I might be.
- I think you might be.Copy !req
327. Sorry, excuse me.
Could we get the bill, please? Thank you.Copy !req
328. Actually, the bill was already
taken care of by Jack.Copy !req
329. She said she hopes
you both enjoyed your meal.Copy !req
330. What a massive surprise.Copy !req
331. - Wow, yeah.
- What?Copy !req
332. Well, then I think we ought to have
some tiramisu. Don't you?Copy !req
333. - Definitely.
- And two bottlesCopy !req
334. of the '34 Château Cheval Blanc
Saint-Emilion Premier Grand Cru to go.Copy !req
335. And one for yourself.Copy !req
336. Happy birthday, Mum.Copy !req
337. Wow.Copy !req
338. I love it.Copy !req
339. Well, it was my vision,
but Uncle Nate made it happen.Copy !req
340. She was actually quite specific. So...Copy !req
341. Thank you, cheeky. Thanks, Nate.Copy !req
342. Let's have a look, love. It's lovely.Copy !req
343. So, come on.Copy !req
344. You're the hottest coach
in the Premier League,Copy !req
345. which makes me
the coolest lawyer in the firm.Copy !req
346. Please tell me you're hooking up
with girls left and right.Copy !req
347. Okay, I don't think this kind of talk
is appropriate for a young lady.Copy !req
348. - Who wants ice cream?
- I do.Copy !req
349. Great. Let's go to the corner shop.Copy !req
350. Ali, come with us.
Let them have their girl talk.Copy !req
351. Come on, love. See you in a little bit.Copy !req
352. Bye.Copy !req
353. Okay, tell me everything.Copy !req
354. Okay. Well, there's this girl I like.Copy !req
355. She's the hostess at Taste of Athens.Copy !req
356. She used to hate me, but now she—Copy !req
357. Well, I don't know.Copy !req
358. I've misread signals
from women before, but—Copy !req
359. I mean, how do you tell if a girl
likes you or is just being nice to you?Copy !req
360. You can't.Copy !req
361. But there is one surefire way to find out.Copy !req
362. - Right.
- Ask her out.Copy !req
363. No, I can't— Can't do that. No.Copy !req
364. Come on, what is the worst
that could happen?Copy !req
365. Well, that she laughs
in my face and says no.Copy !req
366. And that I scurry away, humiliated,Copy !req
367. never to be allowed
in my favorite restaurant ever again.Copy !req
368. So that next time we have
some kind of family celebration,Copy !req
369. I'll just have to, you know,
sit on the pavement outsideCopy !req
370. eating takeaway fish and chips,Copy !req
371. watching you through the window
like some Dickensian street urchin.Copy !req
372. Oh, my God.Copy !req
373. He's just like Dad.
You have to show him the map.Copy !req
374. No, your father would kill me.Copy !req
375. - Show him the map.
- What map?Copy !req
376. Your father and I went
to school together for years,Copy !req
377. but I didn't think he even knew I existed,
until he gave me this.Copy !req
378. "Distance between the places
that we were born, 4,125 miles.Copy !req
379. Distance between the places
that we were raised, 4,230 miles.Copy !req
380. Distance between
our dorms on campus, 1.3 miles.Copy !req
381. Distance between us on Friday night
at 8:00 p.m., hopefully one foot.Copy !req
382. Would you like to go on a date?"Copy !req
383. Stop waiting, Nathan.Copy !req
384. Yes, you could fail and be embarrassed
for a second.Copy !req
385. But you could also get married,
have two wonderful childrenCopy !req
386. and live happily ever after.Copy !req
387. - Oh, shit.
- We're back.Copy !req
388. Quick, distract him.Copy !req
389. that is carrying
a large group of refugees,Copy !req
390. including several women and children,
who are hoping to claim asylum in the UK.Copy !req
391. What's going on?Copy !req
392. in Portsmouth.Copy !req
393. The boat is now kilometers
from Portsmouth Harbor,Copy !req
394. where its passengers, dozens of refugees,
hope to find sanctuary.Copy !req
395. Hundreds of supporters
await their arrival.Copy !req
396. While others, such as Home Secretary
Brinda Barot, had this to say.Copy !req
397. To anyone attempting to enter
our country illegally, I say this.Copy !req
398. "Go home. Britain is closed."Copy !req
399. Over the last few days—Copy !req
400. - What a stupid idiot.
- What a piece of shit.Copy !req
401. You know, someone needs
to send her back to where she came from.Copy !req
402. - Her mother's butthole. Right?
- Yes, Chef!Copy !req
403. Or somebody could try and speak
to the better angelsCopy !req
404. of this clearly misguided person.Copy !req
405. - Bitch.
- What?Copy !req
406. It should say, "Help make Britain
better than this bitch."Copy !req
407. I think I'll stick with mine.Copy !req
408. Yeah.Copy !req
409. - Hi.
- Hello there.Copy !req
410. Nate.Copy !req
411. There's something that I wanted
to ask you. Would you...Copy !req
412. Excuse me one moment.Copy !req
413. So sorry. Sorry.Copy !req
414. Actually, there's one thing
I need to do first. Sorry.Copy !req
415. Whistle. Bring it in.Copy !req
416. All right, fellas. How y'all feeling?Copy !req
417. Bumbercatch,
did you just puke whole Cheerios?Copy !req
418. Yes, Coach. I like to eat my breakfast
without chewing.Copy !req
419. To conserve my energy in case
an impending class war breaks out.Copy !req
420. Yeah, no, makes sense. I get it. Yeah.Copy !req
421. All right, gentlemen,
today we are gonna focus on versatility.Copy !req
422. Now, in Total Football,
you gotta constantly be asking yourself,Copy !req
423. "What does this situation need right now?"Copy !req
424. You know, do I need to drop back
and replace Jan Maas on defense?Copy !req
425. Or, you know, should I attack like Jamie?Copy !req
426. Or, you know, or do I lend Roy here
a piece of gumCopy !req
427. because his breath smells like dookie?Copy !req
428. Completely hypothetical.
Don't worry. You're fine, you're fine.Copy !req
429. All right? You gotta be able to jump in
anywhere at any time.Copy !req
430. And the way to do that well
is to understandCopy !req
431. and appreciate everyone's position
and every position's function.Copy !req
432. That's why we got our man, Beard,
replacing Will today as our kitman.Copy !req
433. Yeah. So when we get out here
and we scrimmage,Copy !req
434. y'all are gonna be swapping positions
with someone else. Yeah?Copy !req
435. For example, you know, Isaac,
we're gonna move you up to forward.Copy !req
436. And Dani, we're gonna drop you
back to defense. Got it?Copy !req
437. I'm gonna be Dani Rojas?Copy !req
438. That's right, Isaac.
And Dani is gonna be you. Make sense?Copy !req
439. We're gonna fuck 'em up, bruv.Copy !req
440. Ay, Dios mios.Copy !req
441. Y'all don't need to do the voices.Copy !req
442. - Come on.
- Okay, all right. Y'all can do the voices.Copy !req
443. Yeah.Copy !req
444. You go ahead, Roy. Help 'em out here.Copy !req
445. Roy's gonna be handing out paper
that's got someone's name on it.Copy !req
446. That's the name of the person
you're gonna do the swaparoo with.Copy !req
447. - Everybody understand?
- Yes, Coach.Copy !req
448. All right, good. Coach, I miss anything?Copy !req
449. - That's it, baby. Let's go!
- All right, let's do it. You heard him.Copy !req
450. Here we go, boys. Here we go.Copy !req
451. - There you go, Coach.
- Thank you, Coach.Copy !req
452. Hey, Coach.
There's been a mistake. I got me.Copy !req
453. Oh, no, Jamie, that's not a mistake.Copy !req
454. We just figured you'd wanna keep doing
what you do best for us.Copy !req
455. Playing striker and scoring goals, right?Copy !req
456. Yeah.Copy !req
457. - Yeah, if you want, yeah.
- Great.Copy !req
458. - Okay.
- Have fun out there.Copy !req
459. Yeah.Copy !req
460. That is yummy. What is this?Copy !req
461. Water.Copy !req
462. - I'm wide.
- Let's go! Let's go!Copy !req
463. Nice try, Van Damme.
You tried your best, and we love you.Copy !req
464. Baz, what are you doing?Copy !req
465. I'm switching positions with Paul.Copy !req
466. You know, unwavering positivity.Copy !req
467. Nice job with the water bottles,
Coach Beard.Copy !req
468. You fucking twats!Copy !req
469. I don't like it.
I actually prefer to be me.Copy !req
470. Hold up.Copy !req
471. Dani. Come on, now.
You're a center back, remember?Copy !req
472. That ain't your job taking corners.
That's what Isaac does now.Copy !req
473. - Right. Right, Coach.
- Isaac, come on, man. You're up.Copy !req
474. - All right, Isaac.
- Let's go.Copy !req
475. - You've got this, bruv.
- All right, now.Copy !req
476. Coach,
I ain't never taken a corner before.Copy !req
477. No, I know. That's 'cause
you were put into a box, Isaac.Copy !req
478. As a ten-year-old little boy with the
strength and facial hair of a grown man.Copy !req
479. The box of a center back who was
never allowed to take a corner kick.Copy !req
480. Well, my friend,
that box ceases to exist today.Copy !req
481. Yeah? Go on.Copy !req
482. What do you want me to do?Copy !req
483. I don't know.
Just kick the hell out of it.Copy !req
484. Okay.Copy !req
485. Hot! Hot tea.Copy !req
486. Just a bit outside.Copy !req
487. Ted. I just want to make sure
I have this right.Copy !req
488. You're gonna change tactics
at this stage in the seasonCopy !req
489. and replace it with a totally new methodCopy !req
490. that the boys are clearly struggling
to understand.Copy !req
491. And you think this is a good idea?Copy !req
492. Well, Trent, the way I see it,Copy !req
493. it's kind of like taking a hike
with Robert Frost.Copy !req
494. It could go either way.Copy !req
495. - Get the fuck out of my chair.
- Yeah, no, of course. Sorry.Copy !req
496. Oh, my God.Copy !req
497. Okay, Greyhounds. Today we're talking
about number three, awareness.Copy !req
498. When you play Total Football,Copy !req
499. you gotta know what your teammates
are doing at all times.Copy !req
500. Constant movement requires
constant concentration, yeah?Copy !req
501. So if Sam makes a run through the center,
y'all gotta shift, right?Copy !req
502. And if Dani moves back on defense,
that means what?Copy !req
503. Hell has frozen over?Copy !req
504. No, it means you've gotta move upCopy !req
505. and support Dani's choice.Copy !req
506. Okay, any questions so far?Copy !req
507. Yeah, Coach. What's with the red string?Copy !req
508. Great question.Copy !req
509. In Japanese culture,
they have a myth where they believeCopy !req
510. that all soulmates are connected
by an invisible red string.Copy !req
511. And those strings are attached to each
of their little fingers.Copy !req
512. Okay, so why is it tied around our dicks?Copy !req
513. Yeah.Copy !req
514. Yeah. Well, you know, that was Roy's idea.Copy !req
515. But I'm pretty sure
the thought behind it is thatCopy !req
516. it is nearly impossible to not be
fully aware of what your teammate's doingCopy !req
517. when y'all got a rope
tied around your dingdong.Copy !req
518. Am I right about that, Roy?Copy !req
519. Yeah. Something like that.Copy !req
520. Okay, great. Yeah.Copy !req
521. So we gonna get after this right now,
gonna do a full scrimmage at half speed.Copy !req
522. And I don't wanna see
them strings get too loose.Copy !req
523. And I'll leave it up to y'all
to make sure they don't get too tight.Copy !req
524. Do not leave my side.Copy !req
525. Shall we?Copy !req
526. "Dicks" on three. One, two, three.Copy !req
527. - Dicks.
- Come on, let's move.Copy !req
528. Figure it out! This is what we're doing.Copy !req
529. Fucking hell. Look at me, man.Copy !req
530. I'm attacking. I'm attacking.Copy !req
531. I'm defending. I'm defending.Copy !req
532. Jan!Copy !req
533. Look what Kent gave me.
In case we wanted to—Copy !req
534. - No.
- No fucking way.Copy !req
535. - You wanna give him a little space, Dani.
- Sorry, Coach, I am too scared.Copy !req
536. Bro, do you wanna...Copy !req
537. It's okay. His penis is okay.Copy !req
538. Oh, my God.Copy !req
539. I thought I just ripped Jamie's knob off.Copy !req
540. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that.Copy !req
541. Okay.Copy !req
542. Hi!Copy !req
543. Hi.Copy !req
544. Sorry that I am late.Copy !req
545. I'm in no rush. I got you something.Copy !req
546. I don't want it.Copy !req
547. Sorry.Copy !req
548. I'm sure whatever it is, it is incredibly
thoughtful and mind-blowingly generous.Copy !req
549. But I don't want it.Copy !req
550. - Keeley, I just got you a—
- No, I don't even wanna know what it is.Copy !req
551. No. I just wanna hang out one timeCopy !req
552. where it doesn't feel
like you're sweeping me off my feet.Copy !req
553. Okay.
Sorry for sweeping you off your feet.Copy !req
554. No. Hey, I didn't mean—Copy !req
555. No. It's okay. I get it.
It's absolutely what I'm doing.Copy !req
556. I'm coming on too fast or too strong,
I'm sorry. I'll back off.Copy !req
557. But just a little bit.Copy !req
558. It was a croissant. I got you a croissant.Copy !req
559. Oi. You're incredible.Copy !req
560. But you've gotta let me do something
for you every once in a while.Copy !req
561. Deal.Copy !req
562. Thank you.Copy !req
563. But it better be fucking amazing.Copy !req
564. It's the last one, I swear.Copy !req
565. Verdict?Copy !req
566. It's a really, really good croissant.Copy !req
567. Would you like to go on a date with me?Copy !req
568. Yes.Copy !req
569. Good.Copy !req
570. There wasn't anything alive in there,
was there?Copy !req
571. Oh, no. No, no. No, not at all.Copy !req
572. If you say so.Copy !req
573. There you go, sir.Copy !req
574. I've given this a lot of thought.Copy !req
575. Next time we do this drill, we tie
multiple guys' dicks to one guy's dick.Copy !req
576. Yeah?Copy !req
577. That was a one-shot deal, Roy.Copy !req
578. Yeah, I'm pretty sure
we cooked that whole bird already, Coach.Copy !req
579. Shame.Copy !req
580. So, Ted.Copy !req
581. - This number four.
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
582. - You haven't said what it is yet.
- No, ma'am.Copy !req
583. - But you know what it is?
- I don't actually.Copy !req
584. - What about you, Coach?
- I'm agnostic.Copy !req
585. - Roy?
- I don't fucking know.Copy !req
586. Number four has yet to reveal itself.Copy !req
587. There is no number four?Copy !req
588. Like the man once said,Copy !req
589. "Sometimes you gotta leave space
to let God walk into the room."Copy !req
590. So, number four is God?Copy !req
591. Oh, no. I don't think so. Coach?Copy !req
592. - I'm an atheist.
- Roy?Copy !req
593. I fucking hope not.Copy !req
594. Oi, man, you're ten minutes late,
yeah? That's gonna be a hundo, all right?Copy !req
595. The fuck's wrong with you?Copy !req
596. I'll tell you what's wrong.Copy !req
597. The world is full of evil people
who do shitty things.Copy !req
598. But I can't deal with that because I have
to kick a little ball around.Copy !req
599. Which those same people love me for!Copy !req
600. That is until I fuck up
or I miss a penalty.Copy !req
601. Or I decide to fight back,Copy !req
602. and then they're just gonna wanna
ship me back wherever I fucking came from.Copy !req
603. Samuel!Copy !req
604. It's okay.Copy !req
605. You know, I still want to go see it.Copy !req
606. No. I can't take you there.Copy !req
607. No. Not the way it looks now.Copy !req
608. Do you know
how long it will take you to reopen?Copy !req
609. I don't know if I will.Copy !req
610. - Samuel.
- What?Copy !req
611. Why? For who? Just so
somebody can go and trash it again.Copy !req
612. You do it for yourself.Copy !req
613. For your friend Simi.Copy !req
614. For all those people who want
a taste of home when they are away.Copy !req
615. Follow your heart, Samuel.Copy !req
616. Anger will only weaken you.Copy !req
617. Yeah. Okay.Copy !req
618. But if you really want to piss off
the people who did this,Copy !req
619. forgive them.Copy !req
620. What?Copy !req
621. Forgive them. Big whoop.Copy !req
622. - Big whoop?
- Big whoop.Copy !req
623. My son, listen to me.Copy !req
624. Don't fight back. Fight forward.Copy !req
625. Thank you, Daddy.Copy !req
626. Do you think I should invest
in security cameras?Copy !req
627. Hell yes. And gates.Copy !req
628. Please tell me you have insurance.Copy !req
629. I have insurance.Copy !req
630. Thank God. Otherwise,
your mother would have killed me.Copy !req
631. - Are you gonna have any trouble?
- No. Insurance!Copy !req
632. Hey. I'm sorry to interrupt y'all.Copy !req
633. Sam,
we're getting ready to start out there.Copy !req
634. But, you know, if you wanna sit out today,
I totally understand.Copy !req
635. - Thank you, Coach.
- No, he's going to practice.Copy !req
636. - Okay. Well, you better go change then.
- I'm getting ready to change.Copy !req
637. Uh-huh. Okay.Copy !req
638. It's really nice to finally meet you, sir.Copy !req
639. You too.Copy !req
640. You know,
I almost wore that exact same thing today.Copy !req
641. Funny guy.Copy !req
642. - Hey, you like American candy?
- Who doesn't?Copy !req
643. Yeah. Come on. It's got that bad sugar.Copy !req
644. - Yeah. High-fructose corn syrup.
- That's too many words. I say "bad sugar."Copy !req
645. At the beginning, Rupert bought me
so many tulips for so long,Copy !req
646. - his florist was able to buy a castle.
- What?Copy !req
647. I mean, it was in Scunthorpe, but still.
A castle.Copy !req
648. Well, I'm taking Jack out tonight.Copy !req
649. And if she tries to pay,
then I will give her—Copy !req
650. You'll give her what?Copy !req
651. Just the tip?Copy !req
652. - Hello, everyone.
- Hello, Leslie.Copy !req
653. May I present...Copy !req
654. Mr. Obisanya.Copy !req
655. Rebecca Welton.
Lovely to finally meet you.Copy !req
656. Likewise.
Samuel has told me so much about you.Copy !req
657. Has he?Copy !req
658. Yes. He has.Copy !req
659. Cool.Copy !req
660. Oh, yeah! Come on, you Greyhounds!Copy !req
661. Let's go Richmond!Copy !req
662. I'm Keeley, by the way. Hi.Copy !req
663. Hey. Let's go, Greyhounds.Copy !req
664. Come on.Copy !req
665. - Bumber! Bumber! Shot!
- Push, man!Copy !req
666. Bumber! No.Copy !req
667. Richmond have been mired
in a run of poor form,Copy !req
668. and you have to applaud Ted Lasso's
efforts to try something new. But this—Copy !req
669. What's the word I'm looking for, Chris?Copy !req
670. "Sucks," Arlo. The word is "sucks."Copy !req
671. It's like they've never
played the sport before.Copy !req
672. Good grief,
they're tackling themselves now.Copy !req
673. With Richmond literally running
into each other,Copy !req
674. the Gunners mount a counterattack.Copy !req
675. Here's a through ball to Parslow.
Parslow over to Hamilton...Copy !req
676. And he's there!Copy !req
677. Hamilton has his hat trick,
and Arsenal leads 3-nil.Copy !req
678. Fuck!Copy !req
679. Okay.Copy !req
680. It's all right.Copy !req
681. It's over.
We're gonna get relegated again,Copy !req
682. and I'm gonna have to go back
to filling the sausages with cardboard.Copy !req
683. Patience, Mae.Copy !req
684. Just need to give it some time.Copy !req
685. Ask yourself,
what does this situation need?Copy !req
686. And at the half,
Arsenal have a three-goal lead,Copy !req
687. and Richmond have plenty to talk about.Copy !req
688. Yeah, with fun conversation starters
like, "Why are we so bad?"Copy !req
689. or "Should we just go home?"Copy !req
690. Jamie, you keep floating back, mate.Copy !req
691. You gotta stay up front.Copy !req
692. We need you to stretch the defense.Copy !req
693. We need you to score a fucking goal.Copy !req
694. But how can we
when we can't see anyone out there.Copy !req
695. There's no shame
in going back to the good old 4-4-2.Copy !req
696. Until we've had more time
to properly train.Copy !req
697. Make you look like a prick.Copy !req
698. For fuck's sake.
What's the matter with you anyway?Copy !req
699. Hey, fellas. Listen up here.Copy !req
700. Well, I remember back in the early days
of my coaching career,Copy !req
701. feeling compelled
to express my individuality.Copy !req
702. Since I was a straight fella
in Middle America working in sportsCopy !req
703. and I was scared of tattoo needles,Copy !req
704. the only real option for me to do so
was through my facial hair.Copy !req
705. And obviously I couldn't grow a beard.Copy !req
706. Otherwise, Coach and I here would,
look like a ZZ Top cover band.Copy !req
707. - Would've been called "Sharp Dressed Men."
- That's nice.Copy !req
708. God,
I hate what you've fucking done to me.Copy !req
709. Luckily, around that time there was
this quartet of stand-up comediansCopy !req
710. known as the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.Copy !req
711. And along with their observational humor,
fun banter and numerous catchphrases,Copy !req
712. they also possessed
the four most common types of facial hair.Copy !req
713. Now, Ron White, who was my favorite,
he was clean-shaven.Copy !req
714. That's one way to go.Copy !req
715. But then you had Larry the Cable Guy, and
he had himself a big old, bushy goatee.Copy !req
716. And Bill Engvall,
he also had a goatee actually.Copy !req
717. But it was, you know,
smaller and more manicured.Copy !req
718. Not touching the sides here.Copy !req
719. - Also known as a Vandyke.
- Thank you, Coach.Copy !req
720. And then you had Jeff Foxworthy of course,
who had a mustache.Copy !req
721. So, check it out.
I went ahead and rolled the diceCopy !req
722. and grew myself one of them big,
bushy Cable Guy goatees.Copy !req
723. And I thought I looked great.Copy !req
724. Until Coach Beard here took me aside,Copy !req
725. right as I was about
to walk down the aisle,Copy !req
726. and told me something I needed to hear.
Remember what you said to me?Copy !req
727. "Your goatee makes it look like
you ate out bigfoot's butthole."Copy !req
728. That's right.Copy !req
729. - AKA "ass-squatch."
- You're on fire.Copy !req
730. - Make it stop.
- No, no.Copy !req
731. Coach was right though.
Not a good look. Not on this face.Copy !req
732. So I shaved that puppy down right
into a Foxworthy, and I never looked back.Copy !req
733. Point is, a lot of timesCopy !req
734. the right idea is just sitting behind
a couple of the wrong ones.Copy !req
735. Yeah?Copy !req
736. You got something you wanna say, Jamie?Copy !req
737. - I mean, yeah. But...
- Great. Let us have it.Copy !req
738. Well, I don't want people
to think I'm being a prick if I say it.Copy !req
739. Okay. Well, then.Copy !req
740. I ain't doing it wrong.Copy !req
741. You're doing it wrong.Copy !req
742. I mean— No, I mean,
I think we're all doing it wrong.Copy !req
743. If we want this to work,Copy !req
744. you gotta stop going to me
and start playing through me. You get me?Copy !req
745. Look. Just look. Look.Copy !req
746. - Can I? Do you mind if I— Right.
- Yeah, of course.Copy !req
747. So look, I shouldn't be here.
I shouldn't be playing forward.Copy !req
748. I should be here, in the center.Copy !req
749. I should be here, right?
Let Dani go up front.Copy !req
750. Move Colin over there. Richard there.Copy !req
751. So, stop going to me, right?
And start going through me. All right?Copy !req
752. That's Total Football.Copy !req
753. How's that sound to y'all?Copy !req
754. That actually works.Copy !req
755. And there it is. Número cuatro. Sacrifice.Copy !req
756. Putting aside personal glory
on behalf of the team.Copy !req
757. I like that. But that ain't number four.Copy !req
758. - Let's bring it in! Come on.
- Let's go for "four" on three.Copy !req
759. - One, two, three—
- Four!Copy !req
760. The Greyhounds still 3-nil down,
in this second half.Copy !req
761. They need something,
and they need it soon.Copy !req
762. Arsenal's cross, easy for Van Damme.
And Van Damme out to Jan Maas.Copy !req
763. Here we go.Copy !req
764. Here's Dixon. Infield to Tartt.Copy !req
765. Tartt to Obisanya. Over to Hughes.Copy !req
766. Tartt again.Copy !req
767. To McAdoo in the midfield.Copy !req
768. Over to Rojas.Copy !req
769. Rojas drops it back to Tartt.Copy !req
770. Who sends a long ball down to Bumbercatch.Copy !req
771. Bumbercatch to Goodman.Copy !req
772. - Goodman over to Tartt...
- Yeah.Copy !req
773. in the box.Copy !req
774. Old Tartt with the back heel.Copy !req
775. And Montlaur is there to hammer it in!Copy !req
776. That was bloody gorgeous!Copy !req
777. A majestic, sweeping symphony of a goal
with Tartt in the role of conductor.Copy !req
778. Hey! All right!Copy !req
779. - That's it right there.
- There we go. There we go!Copy !req
780. Arsenal prevails 3-1.Copy !req
781. But for the first time in weeks,
the Greyhounds are showing signs of life.Copy !req
782. Ted.Copy !req
783. It's going to work.Copy !req
784. - Great. What is?
- Total football.Copy !req
785. - Okay. Why?
- And I'll tell you why.Copy !req
786. The Lasso way.Copy !req
787. - You haven't switched tactics in a week.
- I haven't?Copy !req
788. - No. You've done this over three seasons.
- I have?Copy !req
789. Yes. By slowly but surely building
a club-wide culture of trust and supportCopy !req
790. through thousands
of imperceptible moments,Copy !req
791. all leading to
their inevitable conclusion.Copy !req
792. - Total Football.
- Well, how about that.Copy !req
793. It's gonna work.Copy !req
794. Doesn't even matter what number four is.Copy !req
795. What a fucking dork.Copy !req
796. Yeah. But he's our dork.Copy !req
797. - Hey.
- Hi.Copy !req
798. - Hi.
- All right to sit?Copy !req
799. Of course. Yeah, take a seat.Copy !req
800. Thank you.Copy !req
801. Wow. You look great. Thank you for coming.Copy !req
802. - Thank you for coming?
- You know...Copy !req
803. Did you think I was gonna stand you up?Copy !req
804. No. Do you want a drink? Sorry, I ordered.Copy !req
805. - No, that's fine.
- Just got nervous.Copy !req
806. Please. Here we are, and there you go.Copy !req
807. Best table in the house. As requested.Copy !req
808. You little love bomber.Copy !req
809. I know it's not the outcome you wanted,Copy !req
810. but I'm very proud of the way
you and your team played today.Copy !req
811. Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
812. And I met Rebecca.Copy !req
813. - Oh, no. Did you make things weird?
- Yes.Copy !req
814. - Do you want to go and see the restaurant?
- I would love to.Copy !req
815. I don't know, Dad, I wish—Copy !req
816. I wish you could've seen it
when it was done up. It was perfect.Copy !req
817. This looks nice.Copy !req
818. - Daddy, it's not the same.
- It isn't so bad.Copy !req
819. Yo, look who's here.Copy !req
820. Hey.Copy !req
821. The surprise is ruined.Copy !req
822. What are you guys doing here?Copy !req
823. Well, we all just asked ourselves,
"What does this situation need?"Copy !req
824. And we thought your situation needed us.Copy !req
825. Yeah, got my cousin to fix
your window this morning.Copy !req
826. Didn't get a discount though,
'cause he's a prick.Copy !req
827. And I brought some cases of wine
from my personal cellar.Copy !req
828. Not the best stuff obviously,
but still very, very good.Copy !req
829. And Bumbercatch
is trying to fix your sign.Copy !req
830. Neon signs are just a bunch
of illuminated, gas-discharge tubes.Copy !req
831. So I thought I'd give it a shot. Screwdriver.Copy !req
832. Guys, this is incredible. Honestly.Copy !req
833. Thank you all so very much.Copy !req
834. - We got you, man.
- No worries.Copy !req
835. - Great work, Van Damme.
- Simi.Copy !req
836. Sam.Copy !req
837. Oh, my God.Copy !req
838. - Was this your idea?
- No, they called me.Copy !req
839. - It's amazing, right?
- It's—Copy !req
840. There's somebody I'd love for you to meet.Copy !req
841. - Okay.
- Simi, this is my father.Copy !req
842. So very nice to meet you, Simi.
Sam has told me so much about you.Copy !req
843. - Has he?
- Yes, he has.Copy !req
844. Well,
it's lovely to meet you too, Mr. Obisanya.Copy !req
845. No. My father
was Mr. Obisanya. Call me Ola.Copy !req
846. Don't worry.
I'll order the new mirrors on Monday.Copy !req
847. No. No. Let's keep them.Copy !req
848. I think they serve as a good reminder that
everything doesn't have to be perfect.Copy !req
849. And if the food is good,
who cares about the mirrors?Copy !req
850. Exactly.Copy !req
851. Speaking of, who's hungry?Copy !req
852. Yes!Copy !req
853. Good. So I will cook you all dinner.Copy !req
854. Sam, Simi, follow me.Copy !req
855. Yes, Chef!Copy !req
856. Apps are up.Copy !req
857. Come on, let me help you, child.Copy !req