Ted Lasso 3x5

1. And with this loss,

2. Richmond's dreary winless streak continues.

3. Another two goals for Zava are not enough

4. as Newcastle dismantle the Greyhounds 4-2.

5. The talent is clearly on the field, Chris.

6. It sure is, Arlo.

7. The problem with this team might be in the dugout.

8. Damn it!

9. Fuck.

10. Chris, since their loss to Nathan Shelley and West Ham last month,

11. it seems the Greyhounds have been dropping like a stone.

12. Well, all objects drop at the same rate, Arlo. Except feathers.

13. Well said, Chris. When Zava arrived, it was sunny days.

14. But now, if you're a Richmond fan,

15. you've got to feel like nothing is going your way.

16. Boo! Boo!

17. Things go from bad to worse

18. as Richmond welcome Manchester City mid-week.

19. They are not in form to finally crack the code against their sky-blue tormentors

20. as they fall to ninth place.

21. I knew positive thinking was bullshit!

22. - Oh. Wow, that's not very nice. - What?

23. "Even with Zava, Richmond eat more arse than your mum."

24. Buddy, you gotta get off Twitter.

25. This is a text from my father.

26. Oh, boy. I just don't get it.

27. You know?

28. The effort was there, as always. We just can't get over that hump.

29. I don't know what the heck the problem is. Do you guys?

30. - Our defense is in shambles. - Our offense is stale.

31. And if the boys are gonna fucking stand around

32. watching fucking Zava all fucking match, we should make them buy fucking tickets.

33. Okay, so some constructive criticism.

34. - I appreciate that. - Mmm.

35. Hey, Boss. What's going on?

36. I just have one quick question for you.

37. Are we ever gonna win another fucking match?

38. Um...

39. Well, I hear the concern in your voice and its volume.

40. And it's funny 'cause we were just brainstorming in here,

41. coming up with some real strong solves.

42. You know what we're gonna do? Pretend this club was a ship.

43. We're gonna take that ship, we're gonna turn around.

44. Go against the tide,

45. point that baby right at the North Star and follow it all the way home.

46. That's north, Ted.

47. - This way is. Okay. - I'm pretty sure it's that way.

48. - That's what I meant. That way. - No, it's right fucking that way.

49. - You know, I'm discombobulated. - No! You're all wrong! It's that way!

50. Shoot.

51. I think.

52. Hmm.

53. - Mmm. - Can I take this for you?

54. You can. Thank you very much.

55. Sorry, do you think you can take this as well?

56. Rebecca.

57. John Wingsnight. What a lovely surprise.

58. - Hello. - Oh, uh, this is Jessica Darling.

59. Jessica, darling, Rebecca Welton.

60. - It's so lovely to meet you. - Oh, hi. Likewise. Hello, there.

61. Uh, we actually went out on a few dates.

62. And then Rebecca dumped me out of nowhere. In this exact coffee shop.

63. Not that I come here all the time, hoping to run into you.

64. - 'Cause I don't. - Okay.

65. Well, may I say, Rebecca, thank you.

66. We're engaged.

67. Ring-a-ding-ding. Wedding calling.

68. Engaged. Congratulations. That's— Wow.

69. How— did it happen?

70. Oh, we matched on the apps, uh, six months ago.

71. Not Bantr. Couldn't use that. It felt a bit weird since, uh—

72. - Yeah. - And in a sea of anythings,

73. I went fishing and caught myself a soul mate.

74. Oh.

75. Took her to see Hamilton on our first date.

76. - Amazing. - And then defended my honor.

77. Oh, God. Yeah. Get this. It's intermission.

78. We're standing in line to buy the CD of the soundtrack,

79. 'cause I refuse to stream music. And guess who's standing in front of us.

80. - Sir Anthony Hopkins. - Can you imagine?

81. - Nope. - Jessica politely taps him on the shoulder

82. and asks if he'll film a little video for Jessica's father as Hannibal Lecter,

83. you know.

84. - And he said no. - Yeah.

85. So I grabbed that rapscallion by the collar,

86. and I said, "Hey, we didn't ask you to be famous."

87. And took a quick ussie of the three of us and emailed it to her— her dad's nurse.

88. Made his day.

89. My shite in nining armor.

90. What? I just—

91. What did you say?

92. You jumbled your words there a bit.

93. What did you— You just said, "shite in nining armor"?

94. Yeah. I— I meant to say "knight in shining armor."

95. I just— One of me brain farts.

96. Quite rare for her. She's actually very smart.

97. Went to Oxford for a bit.

98. Wait, n-no, you said, "shite in nining armor."

99. You actually said those specific words.

100. I did.

101. Anyway, uh, we should go. Lovely to see you, Rebecca.

102. You okay? Have you eaten?

103. I completely understand where Barbara's coming from,

104. but as I was explaining to you,

105. I'm worried that by adding more clients, that could mean less attention paid

106. to the wonderful people we already represent.

107. And then I— I reminded Keeley,

108. as you've said so many times, Jack, that, um, if it does get to the point

109. where we feel we're spreading ourselves thinly,

110. then we'll hire more people.

111. It's called "growth."

112. - Okay. Uh, let me weigh in here. - Oh, please.

113. - I agree with Keeley. - Well, that's great.

114. Being a small boutique firm is exactly what sets you apart.

115. You want a restaurant to look successful, you take out half the tables

116. and you have a line out the door.

117. I say let's go for it.

118. - Hmm. - No, that's wonderful. Yeah.

119. And instead of salaries, we can give away the tables we threw out.

120. - Don't worry, Barbara. It'll be great. - Oh, yeah. Yes. Definitely.

121. You ever think sunshine gets jealous of her?

122. - Knock, knock. - Hi, babe.

123. Now that your little, uh, cool girls meeting's done,

124. just wanted to share the exciting news that I've started an app.

125. Oh.

126. It's like Bantr, but it's better and cooler

127. and actually cares about helping people have sex with celebrities.

128. What? Shandy.

129. It's called "Star Fuckr."

130. And, yeah, we are looking for investors.

131. I take it she's still angry about the whole Bantr thing?

132. Oh, yes. Mmm.

133. Shandy does not have a good relationship with rejection, or her ex,

134. or with the workplace, or most nouns, really.

135. "You are so passionate, but I have to let you go.

136. I'm sorry, but I know someone as brilliant as you will land on their feet."

137. What did I do?

138. No, no, no, no. Keeley, sor— sorry.

139. That's what you say when you fire Shandy.

140. Oh, my God.

141. Sorry.

142. It's called a compliment sandwich.

143. You— You give someone bad news, but to soften the blow,

144. you slap it between two delicious slices of compliments.

145. Oh. But I can't fire Shandy.

146. She'll hate me.

147. And she really thinks she's killing it.

148. Oh, I am sure she does.

149. The worst people often think they're the best.

150. My dad calls it "talent dysmorphia."

151. That's good.

152. You wanna get some lunch? My— My meeting just got pushed.

153. Abso-fucking-lutely!

154. Yeah, my stomach started grumbling when you said "compliment sandwich."

155. - Aw, shit. Come and look at this. - Ooh.

156. Man, how the fuck does Nate bag a baddie like Anastasia?

157. Oh, maybe she made a bet.

158. - Oh. In, like, She's All That. - Yeah.

159. Yes! But Nate does not have glasses and a ponytail hiding his beauty.

160. Nah, fuck no.

161. His transformation's gonna be on the inside.

162. - Yeah. - You know, She's All That

163. is just the film version of the musical My Fair Lady.

164. Which is based on the George Bernard Shaw play Pygmalion.

165. I love pigs. They are cute

166. but also have the same intelligence as a human toddler.

167. Yeah, but Anastasia's just really fit, innit?

168. - Oh, yeah. She's very pretty. - She's the coldest, bro.

169. Hey, Zava. What do you think of Anastasia?

170. I don't.

171. My wife, Christina, is the only woman I see with clarity.

172. Every other woman is a smudge.

173. Wow.

174. My wife is sexy, but in a girl-next-door kind of way.

175. Glasses, ponytail, she paints.

176. Like the girl in She's All That.

177. - Like what? - It's a movie.

178. Oh, I don't care about, uh, moving pictures.

179. My favorite thing to watch is my wife.

180. Wow.

181. If we stay with our 4-5-1, we're fucked.

182. If we move to 4-4-2, we're fucked. But if we try a 5-3-2...

183. - We're gonna win? - We're fucked.

184. - Shoot. Hmm. - Man City.

185. I can't believe our white whale has the same name as the strip club

186. where I danced in college.

187. Um...

188. What's going on, Trent? You got an idea for us?

189. Um, no, I can't. I'm, uh— I'm only here to observe.

190. - I— I couldn't, um, interfere. - I get it.

191. You know, you're kinda like one of them sadistic nature documentarians

192. that won't put down their camera

193. even though they see a poor, defenseless, adorable, little, injured monkey

194. about to get attacked by a pack of hyenas.

195. All right. Okay.

196. Have you ever considered an old-school long-ball game?

197. - Oh, what, like route one? - What's that?

198. A kick-and-rush tactic that can be a viable option

199. for an overmatched team against a superior opponent.

200. Okay, well, great. Let's do that then.

201. Nah, their center backs are too athletic.

202. - They'd murder us. - Yeah, you're fucked.

203. Mmm. Mm-hmm.

204. - Uh... - Everything okay, Ted?

205. Uh, Henry got bullied at school this morning.

206. If we leave right now

207. and take the connecting flight through Paris,

208. we can be in Kansas by noon,

209. and that punk's house will be in ashes by 12:30!

210. No, no. Best thing you can do with bullies is ignore them.

211. Then you sneak into their house at 4:00 a.m.,

212. which, statistically speaking,

213. is the hour people are least prepared to defend themselves.

214. Correct.

215. And once you're standing over them, as they sleep in their bed,

216. you start to beat them.

217. With a thick, heavy rope soaked in red paint.

218. Pummeling them over and over until they wake,

219. confusing the paint for their own blood.

220. When they beg you to stop,

221. you laugh as loud as you can,

222. for as long as you can.

223. And then you start to beat them again.

224. Mmm. Yeah.

225. You know, I may just hold off on anything like that

226. until I connect with Michelle and just get the details,

227. see what actually happened.

228. Yeah, all right. Yeah, fair enough.

229. - But thank you. - Pleasure.

230. Hmm.

231. Rebecca, do you have a moment?

232. Of course.

233. May I have a seat?

234. Leslie, this formality is really freaking me out. Just sit.

235. The thing is, the club is going in the wrong direction,

236. and I fear that it has little to do with the quality of our players.

237. Therefore, if we don't do well against City, we may have to consider—

238. think about thinking about possibly,

239. maybe focusing on theoretically,

240. as it were, changing the manager of our club.

241. You want to fire Ted?

242. At what point during any of that did it seem like something I wanted to do?

243. Leslie, this is too bleak for me at the moment.

244. Therefore, I am granting myself permission to change the subject.

245. Do you believe in psychics?

246. Oh. Uh, yeah, as a matter of fact, I do.

247. Why doesn't that surprise me?

248. I mean you're so, I don't know whimsical.

249. Thank you. My Aunt Devorah has a touch of the shine,

250. a little bit of the inner eye.

251. And she predicted that Julie and I would have five children, all boys.

252. And look at us now.

253. Just a house full of soaking wet toilet seats.

254. Uh, why do you ask?

255. Oh, a few weeks ago,

256. I sort of went and saw a psychic.

257. Not sort of. I— I completely saw one.

258. Wha— Wow! What did she say about the season?

259. - I didn't ask. - Ah.

260. She was a bit of a quack. But she did say a couple of things would happen,

261. and now they've happened.

262. Mmm.

263. That's odd, isn't it?

264. The universe is full of things we can't explain, Rebecca.

265. Fingernails. What's that about?

266. And psychics, even if some of them are charlatans,

267. they can help us see something in ourselves

268. that we can't quite see ourselves.

269. Thank you, Leslie.

270. Mmm. Hmm.

271. Oh, hello, Ms. Kakes.

272. - From Rupert? - My friend Anastasia.

273. She wants you to call her.

274. She was surprised you didn't ask for her number at Bones & Honey.

275. Well, I didn't want to appear too forward.

276. Okay.

277. Oh, um, hello. Uh, I'm glad that I've caught you.

278. It's, uh, Nathan Shelley.

279. Uh, I really enjoyed meeting you the other night,

280. and I was hoping that we could meet for another drink.

281. Yeah, sorry, Mum. I'm just, uh, practicing for the— Yeah. How was I?

282. "I think we should meet for another drink" is more direct.

283. Yeah. Okay, yeah. Thank you.

284. All right, love you. Bye-bye. Bye.

285. Okay.

286. Should go for another drink. Should.

287. - Hey, Coach. - Hello, Rebecca.

288. - Ted. - No, I know, I know, I know.

289. You are still feeling bad about yelling at me the other day, right?

290. I can be a little bit psychic.

291. It's okay.

292. No, yes, I— I shouldn't have bullied you.

293. - Nice speaking with you, boss. - You too, Ted.

294. Afternoon.

295. Hi.

296. Ms. Jones.

297. - Hope you enjoyed your lunch with Jack. - Mmm.

298. Um, just a quick question.

299. Did you tell Shandy to call Emma Jayye at 4:00 in the morning,

300. whilst drunk on "espresso martinis,"

301. to pitch her an idea for "condoms for balls"?

302. - What? - Emma Jayye designs sunglasses.

303. Yeah, no, of course I didn't do that. Why?

304. Oh, because she just fired us.

305. Because of Shandy.

306. Because of your friend.

307. Shandy.

308. - Yeah? - Can I speak with you, please?

309. - Can you give me 30 minutes? - No, now.

310. - Please can I watch? - Barbara.

311. Hi. I can give you five minutes,

312. then I have to go downstairs and meet with a potential assistant.

313. She's scared of elevators. It's cute, right?

314. Can you come have a seat, please?

315. Yeah.

316. Shandy.

317. Am I getting a raise?

318. You are so brilliant.

319. But...

320. My bold determination? What the fuck?

321. All right! Listen up, sheep.

322. I was just let go because some people can't handle working with an innovator.

323. So, I'm starting my own PR firm to take this place down.

324. Who's coming with me?

325. I'll pay you double what you're making here.

326. Who's coming with me?

327. All right.

328. Three months holiday every year, company car,

329. massage table in the office with a licensed masseuse.

330. Who's coming with me?

331. I'll go with you.

332. - Not you, Dan. - Right.

333. Barbara. I know you're with me.

334. I couldn't be less with you.

335. That's because you're a coward, and I fucking hate you.

336. I hate all of you!

337. Oh, Keeley, please let me stay.

338. I just love it here so much. We're a family.

339. - I love you. - You're gonna be fine, Shandy. I pro—

340. No, I'm not!

341. Oh, you bunch of fascist fucks!

342. I fucking— You fucking ten-percenters.

343. Yeah, that's what you are.

344. You know what? Fuck you all.

345. That's ours.

346. Well, fuck off then.

347. Dan, let's go.

348. Actually, I'm staying.

349. Suck my dick.

350. All right.

351. Mmm.

352. Well, I'm not gonna say it.

353. No, but you're gonna think it.

354. Yes, often. And forever.

355. Hello, there. I'm Rebecca Welton. I have an appointment with Dr. Wagner.

356. Fill this out, and he'll be right with you.

357. - Ah, thank you so much. Thank you. - Take a seat.

358. - Rebecca. What a nice surprise. - Ah.

359. - You don't have to fill out all that junk. - Oh.

360. - Come on back, my dear. - Thank you.

361. - Thank you. - Take a seat.

362. - Yep. Thank you. - Make yourself at home.

363. So, how are you holding up?

364. Given Richmond's current slump?

365. You poor thing. So stressful, it must be.

366. Well, it's been a bit tough, I'll admit.

367. But, um, we're just in a bit of a bad stretch.

368. Well, it will all work out. I know it.

369. As long as you have Zava, you'll be just fine.

370. - He's amazing, isn't he? - He is. Yes.

371. Yes, we're, uh— we're lucky to have him.

372. So tell me, what brings you in today?

373. Right. So, um, you know, I'm— I'm aware that what I'm about to ask,

374. given my age, uh, is a bit far-fetched.

375. But I was just wondering if...

376. If you're able to have children?

377. Yes. That.

378. It's not far-fetched at all.

379. I treat women your age, and older, all of the time.

380. - You do? - Absolutely.

381. Now, that said, I can't guarantee—

382. Oh, no, of course. I know.

383. But we can run some tests and see what's possible. Sound good?

384. Great. Yep. Thank you.

385. Well, uh, sit tight, relax.

386. I'll have our tech, uh, take some blood and do some imaging.

387. - Wonderful to see you. - Likewise.

388. Go Richmond!

389. Right, listen up.

390. When you're leaving, get yourself a shower. Get some rest.

391. More importantly, no video games before bedtime.

392. Unless it's Animal Crossing. That shit's fucking soothing.

393. - Yeah. Mm-hmm. - Well done, guys.

394. You know, I think we're really starting to turn our fortunes around.

395. - Well, actually, Sam— - Jan Maas, no need.

396. Sam, we're playing like shit, and we all know it.

397. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

398. Hey. Enough of that negativity.

399. Yeah, City are great. They just are.

400. But who the fuck cares? 'Cause so are we.

401. So stop acting like a bunch of little bunny rabbits.

402. Let's fucking do this, yeah?

403. Jamie is so right.

404. It's as if he were Zava.

405. Get off me, man.

406. You see, I am no prophet.

407. Prophets believe in something.

408. I do not just believe.

409. I know in my heart, in my bones,

410. in my well-defined delts, traps and glutes

411. that there is no opponent this team cannot conquer.

412. I literally just said that.

413. You will not win because of me.

414. You will win because you work together.

415. Because together...

416. you can achieve anything.

417. Manchester City is going down!

418. Hey. There you are.

419. Hey, Ted. I'm sorry we kept missing each other.

420. That's okay. I get it, you know?

421. How's the little guy doing?

422. He's okay. He's actually at the park right now.

423. He is? Oh, that's great.

424. Yeah. Jake thought it'd be a good idea to get outside, get some fresh air.

425. Yeah. No, that's, uh— that's— that's smart. Yeah.

426. Um, what about you? How are you doing?

427. Oh, I've definitely been better.

428. I hear you.

429. I've been pulling my hair out all day over this.

430. You know, I actually told Beard and Roy about what happened.

431. Those fellas were ready to hop on a flight to Kansas

432. and go full Wicked Witch of the West on the kid that bullied him.

433. No, Ted, um, Henry wasn't bullied. He was the bully.

434. What?

435. AFC Richmond versus Manchester City.

436. Normally, the Greyhound faithful mark the loss on the calendar

437. before the match is even played.

438. But tonight, with Zava, hope is in the air

439. that Richmond will finally prevail in this decidedly one-sided rivalry.

440. It's, uh, quitting time.

441. I'll see you tomorrow, Dan.

442. No.

443. I quit.

444. No, no. I'm joking.

445. U-Unless you want me to quit?

446. - No, I'd love to see you tomorrow, Dan. - Okay.

447. - Night. - All right. Thank you.

448. - Good night, Ms. Jones. - Oh, night, Barbara.

449. - Barbara? - Oh.

450. Ooh!

451. Do you wanna go see the Richmond match tonight? Either of you?

452. Will it be as violent as last time?

453. - Probably not. - Then no.

454. I'll tag along.

455. Uh, can I borrow your office to make some calls?

456. Oh, yes, of course. Yes.

457. Just don't look in my desk drawer.

458. Don't.

459. I'm definitely gonna look in those drawers.

460. Mmm-hmm.

461. Zava! Zava!

462. Zava! Zava! Zava! Zava!

463. Peel 'em.

464. Slice 'em.

465. - Cut 'em. - Yeah.

466. - Mash 'em. - I'm not playing.

467. - Cheer until your voice bleeds. - Okay.

468. Eat 'em.

469. - Outclass 'em, Sam. - Thank you, Coach.

470. Oi. Where's Zava?

471. Hey, Coach. Check it out.

472. 115 straight days, no pee drops on the khakis. New record.

473. Proud of you.

474. You connect with Henry yet?

475. No, keep missing each other.

476. Why can't the world just have one big time zone, you know?

477. - The sun. - Right, the gosh-dang sun. Oy, oy, oy.

478. Henry's a good kid, 'cause you're his dad.

479. Mm-hmm.

480. And whatever's going on with him, he's gonna be just fine.

481. Thank you, Coach. I needed to hear that.

482. No, you needed to hear it.

483. - That's what I said. - You did?

484. We got a fucking problem.

485. Oh. Is that my...

486. Two questions. Um, are you ready to leave for the match?

487. And do you smell that awful stench?

488. Yes and yes.

489. Oh, my God. What was that?

490. That is fucking weird.

491. Oh! Wow!

492. What the fuck?

493. Where did that come from?

494. Oh, my God.

495. "The lion has left. Enjoy the lamb, bitch. XOXO, Shandy."

496. Jesus.

497. It's a gentle reminder to cancel her security badge.

498. Fuck me.

499. Oh, my God! That is so sour.

500. After you.

501. Oh.

502. Ooh.

503. Hello, Jade. Um, Shelley.

504. Uh, reservation for two. Thank you.

505. And you, miss? How can I help you?

506. - Oh— - Oh, no, she, uh— We, uh—

507. This is Anastasia.

508. Uh, she is a very famous model, uh, and we are on a date.

509. Togeth— Together. Two. For two.

510. Hello.

511. Um, you have very cute head.

512. Thank you. I got it from my father.

513. - Right this way. - Oh, no. Sorry, Jade, dear.

514. Uh, we would like the, uh, window table, please.

515. - I'll have to go ask Derek. - I already checked with Derek.

516. Oh, Nathan Jelly! The wonder kid!

517. Yeah. Touch it.

518. - Hey! - Uh-huh.

519. And, whoa, whoa, whoa.

520. Slap me round the face. Am I dreaming?

521. The one and only Anastasia in my restaurant.

522. I'm a huge fan of your face and body.

523. Best table in the house for you two. If you'd like to come this way?

524. Oh. Yeah.

525. There you go.

526. - There you go. - Thank you, Derek.

527. - Enjoy. - Thank you.

528. Hmm.

529. It's not very nice in here.

530. Oh. No, but—

531. Just wait till you try the food, 'cause the baklava is divine.

532. Hmm.

533. I have some bad news.

534. Let's go, lads. Let's go! Come on!

535. And Richmond are ready to start the game with Colin Hughes in place of Zava.

536. Hughes for Zava. Any thoughts, Chris?

537. Yes. That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen.

538. And we're off. But where is Zava?

539. Hey. Any news?

540. Nobody knows where he is.

541. That fucking prick's not answering his phone.

542. Neither is his agent, his manager, his publicist, his trainer,

543. his acupuncturist, his acupressurist, his fecalist, his avocado whisperer,

544. not even his barber.

545. Hmm. Maybe he's dead.

546. Fucking better be.

547. Richmond have played without Zava for ten minutes,

548. and we're all left wondering why.

549. Goodbye, my sweet little stinky friend.

550. If Shandy asks to borrow an animal again, please say no.

551. Oh, sorry, Keeley.

552. She promised to get a date with a celebrity.

553. I've always wanted to come out of a restaurant and say,

554. "No pictures, please."

555. Edward, gotta love someone for what they are, not who they are.

556. Mmm.

557. - And here is a giant bag of shit. - Oh.

558. Yeah. That's finally starting to smell better, right?

559. Better? Uh, sure.

560. Now it smells like someone took a dump directly into a pumpkin spice latte.

561. Oi. I could use a drink actually. You don't have anything, do you?

562. Oh, shit. No, sorry.

563. Wait.

564. Shandy's work vodka finally comes in handy.

565. Nice. Where'd she hide that?

566. On her desk.

567. - Yeah. - You probably want a mixer and ice.

568. Candied oranges?

569. Keeley, you're adorable.

570. But I went to the most prestigious boarding school in Denmark.

571. We chugged warm vodka for breakfast.

572. Wow. It takes a lot to surprise me, and yet you just did.

573. Skål.

574. Cheers.

575. I cannot post this.

576. The little dips look like piles of vomit.

577. I cannot post vomit. People will see this, and they will want to vomit.

578. Okay. Um, well, the good news is, it tastes a lot better than it looks.

579. And this pita is, um, freshly made at the bakery down the road.

580. Feed it to me.

581. Okay. Mm-hmm.

582. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mm-hmm.

583. Mmm. Mm-hmm.

584. - Yeah? Yeah? - Mmm. Mm-hmm.

585. Hmm.

586. - Nate? - Yeah?

587. Can we please leave? I mean, the food is yummy,

588. but it's just so dumpy and sad.

589. Okay, look, I know it might not exactly be cool,

590. but this place is important to me.

591. This is where my family celebrated our birthdays, anniversaries.

592. It's where we came after I got promoted as assistant coach at Richmond.

593. Every important event in our lives has been spent here.

594. And, to me, that makes this place even better than cool.

595. Hmm.

596. Oh, what am I thinking? We should get the saganaki!

597. Oh, I'm going to make a call.

598. My friend has the flu. And I have to check on her.

599. No, that's— No, that's very nice. That's kind.

600. Do you need all that stuff to go make a call?

601. All right.

602. Sorry, mate.

603. Still got to charge you for the booze.

604. And the final score is 4-0

605. as the Richmond Ahabs are still unable to catch their great blue whale.

606. And without Zava, we're left wondering

607. if this team even belongs in the Premier League.

608. Well, without Zava, this team doesn't belong in my church league, Arlo.

609. It's actually a competitive league

610. - with some very talented clergy. - Boo!

611. You're all a bunch of fucking wankers!

612. McAdoo, you are shit!

613. Without Zava, you're shit! Even with Zava, you're shit!

614. Hello, Doctor.

615. Ah, yes. Yes, big loss today.

616. Mmm. I did. I— I just, uh, saw— saw the announcement.

617. Yes, extraordinary talent.

618. Sorry, Doctor. I'm— I'm just in a little bit of a rush.

619. That would be great. Thank— Thank you.

620. Ah. Okay.

621. Right. Yes. That's— That's what I thought.

622. Oh, it's— it's definitely to be— Bet— Better to be sure.

623. Yeah, well, thanks again.

624. Yes. Yes, it was nice to see you again too.

625. Thank you.

626. What? You actually dated a birthday clown?

627. For three wacky weeks.

628. Did you ever have sex with the clown? Like, with the nose and everything?

629. Of course I did.

630. It was in his car, actually.

631. All crammed in there with, like, 30 of his clown friends.

632. God. Hearing about all your bozo exes,

633. making me feel much better about my last relationship.

634. - Oh, the footballer, right? - Yeah.

635. Yeah. Jamie what's-his-name?

636. No. Well, yeah— No— Um...

637. The bad breakup?

638. No. It was fun. Five stars. Would break again.

639. Hmm.

640. Actually, it was, uh— it was...

641. No, I'm not gonna go there. I'm not gonna talk about it.

642. Because it still hurts.

643. And I'm tired of feeling like that. I used to be a happy person.

644. - You seem happy to me. - It's funny.

645. I mean, not like fucking a clown funny.

646. We spent all evening picking up, like, 50 kilos of lamb ka-poops.

647. It's the most fun I've had in months.

648. Oh, I have way more fun than this, like, all the time.

649. Oh, fuck off.

650. Oi.

651. Thank you for all of it.

652. You're welcome.

653. Shit. I'm so sorry. I should not have done that.

654. No, you absolutely should have.

655. Baklava for two.

656. Oh, yeah, um...

657. My date had to...

658. Yeah, I'm not gonna be able to eat all that on my own.

659. Unless you— you'd care to join me. No. No.

660. Sure.

661. After all, our baklava is divine.

662. Yeah, I don't— Um...

663. For some reason, whenever I'm trying to impress someone,

664. I end up sounding like my gran.

665. - Your gran? - Mm-hmm.

666. Um, okay, well...

667. Take a seat.

668. The only modicum of comfort

669. is knowing that in all the innumerable parallel universes,

670. there is not one where we win that game.

671. I know what Madchester is.

672. Uh, hey, fellas. It's, uh, Henry. Do you mind if I...

673. Do your thing.

674. Thanks.

675. Hey, big guy.

676. Hi. Sorry about the match.

677. Oh, don't worry about that. It happens. It's good to see you, man.

678. Hey, um, look, I've been really wanting to talk to you

679. about what happened at school the other day, you know?

680. Dad, I messed up.

681. And if— if I'd just followed your advice, then none of this would've happened.

682. - What advice? - "If you're angry, count to ten.

683. If that don't work, do it again."

684. Yeah.

685. Well, that's something my dad used to say.

686. Then Nana would tell him that numbers were infinite

687. just so she could deal with his snoring.

688. Uh, is Doug all right?

689. I let him know that I was sorry

690. by doing an apology rap in front of the whole class.

691. Huh.

692. Well, you know, a hip-hop song's a great way to get across a message.

693. You know? Just look at the hip-hop song "The Message."

694. Hey, guys. Good effort today.

695. Mr. Higgins, is it true about Zava?

696. I'm afraid so.

697. Maybe some tissues for Dani.

698. Hey, hey, guys. Zava just posted a video.

699. Hello. How are you? I'm just— I have to share something with you, my friends.

700. You are not my followers. You are my believers.

701. And so it— I have to tell you.

702. Zava has played his last match.

703. I will now dedicate all of my time and all of my energy

704. to my family and my avocado farm.

705. If you put your energy into the things you truly love,

706. the universe puts its thing back into you. You're welcome.

707. Um, hey, buddy.

708. I gotta go talk to the team here real quick.

709. But then I'm gonna grab my stuff and scurry home.

710. And how about we hop online, play a little Roblox? How does that sound?

711. You're on. Love you, Dad.

712. I love you too, buddy. I'm proud of you.

713. He's okay. He's okay.

714. He's okay. He's okay.

715. Hmm.

716. Gentlemen, hey.

717. That was a tough one tonight. Okay?

718. Man City has still got our number. That— That's all right.

719. We're gonna get another crack at 'em later in the season. Uh-huh.

720. Coach, no practice tomorrow, yeah?

721. - That's right. - Okay. Well, I'll see y'all on Monday.

722. Hey, hey. Hey, Coach.

723. What about Zava?

724. Um...

725. He quit the team.

726. I mean, technically he retired from the whole sport,

727. which makes it feel a little less personal, yeah?

728. You know, like if, uh,

729. your girlfriend runs off with some dude and it turns out they were soul mates.

730. Oh. Yeah.

731. Gina fucking Gershon.

732. Right.

733. Uh, but look, look, look, look. I hear you, okay? Zava is gone.

734. And you know what? I think it's a good thing.

735. - What? How? - Well, I do. Okay, look.

736. Do I wanna win? Heck yeah.

737. But I also wanna do it with folks that wanna be here.

738. It's not like we could handcuff him to his locker and make him love us.

739. We could have tried.

740. Hey, guys. Guys, look. We got a good thing going here.

741. - All right? - Mm-hmm.

742. We didn't need Zava. Yeah?

743. Yeah.

744. All we need to win are the fellas in this room right now.

745. And all you fellas need to do is believe it.

746. - Whoa! - It's a sign.

747. That's it. We're doomed.

748. We're done. We're done. We're finished. We're finished.

749. Now— Now, hold on.

750. Hey, knock it off, okay? We're not doomed. No one is doomed.

751. But, Bumbercatch, yes, you're right. It is a sign. I agree. Yeah.

752. In fact this, it's just a sign.

753. All right, guys, listen to me.

754. Belief doesn't just happen 'cause you hang something up on a wall.

755. All right? It comes from in here.

756. You know? And up here. Down here.

757. Only problem is, we all got so much junk floating through us,

758. a lot of time we end up getting in our own way.

759. You know, crap like envy or fear, shame.

760. I don't wanna mess around with that shit anymore.

761. You know what I mean? Do you?

762. - No. - No, Coach.

763. - No. - No.

764. - Do you? - No.

765. No, me neither. Hell no.

766. Well, you know what I wanna mess around with?

767. The belief that I matter, you know? Regardless of what I do or don't achieve.

768. Or the belief that we all deserve to be loved,

769. whether we've been hurt or maybe we've hurt somebody else.

770. Or what about the belief of hope? Yeah? That's what I wanna mess with.

771. Believing that things can get better.

772. That I can get better. That we will get better.

773. Oh, man. To believe in yourself. To believe in one another.

774. Man, that's— that's fundamental to being alive.

775. And look. Yo, hey. If you can do that, if each of you can truly do that...

776. can't nobody rip that apart.

777. - See y'all Monday? - Yes, Coach.

778. Thank you.

779. - Tomorrow at 4:00 a.m.? - Damn fucking right.