ted 1x5

1. Thanks, buddy.

2. You know, I used to think the words to this song were,

3. "I want to rock and roll all night and part of every day."

4. Like—like, they're only going to rock and roll

5. for, like, a portion of the day and also take time out

6. for things like meals and, you know,

7. time with family and children.

8. There's a lot going on with this song, man.

9. This is a rock and roll song about wanting

10. to enjoy a rock and roll song.

11. Does that actually make it a rock and roll song?

12. You know what, I'll do you one better.

13. Ready to get mind fucked? - Give it to me.

14. The song the "Monster Mash" is a song about a dance called

15. the Monster Mash, which is based

16. on a song called the "Monster Mash," which is not

17. the song the "Monster Mash."

18. - Holy shit. - Yeah.

19. I don't want to be high anymore.

20. Well, kids make all kinds of messes, don't they?

21. One time when he was eight, John stole

22. a hot dog from the store.

23. He put it in his pocket.

24. And it went through the wash.

25. No.

26. It came out in one piece.

27. Isn't that amazing?

28. Oh, God was smiling on us that day.

29. Oh, for Christ's sakes.

30. Susan!

31. Holy shit.

32. Did we die?

33. Yeah, I think—

34. I think we died.

35. I'm sorry, Matty.

36. I plugged in the eggbeater.

37. Why are you using the eggbeater

38. when I'm watching "Star Search"?

39. I was making us brownies.

40. Now I'm not going to know who the new stars are going to be.

41. Well, I don't have to finish them.

42. I'll just throw the batter out.

43. Well, if you already started them,

44. you might as well finish them.

45. OK.

46. I gotta go reset the breaker.

47. Out of my way, Johnny.

48. Oh, my God.

49. They can see us. We must still be alive.

50. Oh, wow, a second chance.

51. OK, this time, you be the cute one, and I'll be the hot one.

52. OK.

53. Breaker is busted.

54. Oh, man. Really?

55. Matty, is it all right?

56. Oh, breaker is shot to hell.

57. I'll have to call the guy in the morning.

58. So we don't have power till tomorrow?

59. Yes, Susan.

60. That's what a busted breaker means.

61. Well, this isn't so bad.

62. We could light some candles, play some games,

63. maybe read aloud to each other from our favorite books.

64. Or we could take a Sharpie and circle

65. the parts on each other's bodies

66. we think need improvement.

67. That sounds more fun.

68. Shut up, you guys.

69. Sus, yes.

70. That sounds like a great idea.

71. Let's go find the games. - OK.

72. Be careful, Blaire.

73. There's a gun down here somewhere.

74. But I don't remember where it is.

75. That's comforting.

76. Let's see now.

77. I think there's a Trivial Pursuit in one of these boxes.

78. Why is the floor wet?

79. I know, we're supposed to get that fixed.

80. But I like to come down here during the summer

81. and cool my feet.

82. Oh, my gosh.

83. Oh, sweetie.

84. - Hey, all right. - Hey, there we go.

85. Box was working just fine.

86. Well, it wasn't when I was down there.

87. I don't know what to tell you. - It's OK, honey.

88. We know you were scared of the spider.

89. What the fuck are you talking about?

90. There was a spider on the box.

91. He's always been scared of the spiders.

92. Wait, you were just going to fucking let us sit here

93. and read aloud from books?

94. Screw all of you.

95. Matty, why?

96. I'm not scared of the goddamn spider, Susan.

97. The breaker wasn't working.

98. I'm going down to Trammell's.

99. And he pulls the fucking ripcord, just like always.

100. What the hell is that supposed to mean?

101. Any time you're losing an argument, you leave.

102. You just walk out the door.

103. Matty, honey. You can't leave.

104. You haven't made stool yet today.

105. Jesus Christ, Susan.

106. Well, the doctor says if it's been more than two days,

107. you need to call him.

108. I did it yesterday. It was a good one.

109. Like a mother hen crowing over her egg.

110. You all watch this.

111. When he comes back, everyone's going to apologize to him

112. because he's manipulating the circumstances to make it

113. seem like he's the victim.

114. I'm sorry.

115. I shouldn't have told them about the spiders.

116. - No, see? - I'm so sorry.

117. This is what I'm talking about, OK?

118. He's the one acting like a whining baby.

119. He should be apologizing to you.

120. I shouldn't have embarrassed him, OK?

121. I think it's cute that you're scared of the spider.

122. I'm not scared of spiders!

123. God, this is so fucked.

124. This is just classic dysfunctional, fucked up,

125. white trash marriage.

126. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What?

127. What do you mean, what?

128. Your wife is trying to engage with you.

129. And you're dismissing her like an asshole.

130. And you do it all the time.

131. Susan, am I an asshole?

132. Oh, of course not, Matty.

133. You're a veteran.

134. See?

135. You think they'd send an asshole to Vietnam?

136. Weren't you dishonorably discharged?

137. No, I wasn't dishonorably discharged

138. or honorably discharged.

139. How the hell does that work?

140. Just exactly like I just said.

141. So the army basically said, it's not you.

142. It's us. - That's right.

143. We're not sure we're ready to have anybody

144. in the army right now.

145. More or less.

146. The army just wants to focus on the army for a while.

147. See? He gets it.

148. Aunt Sus, he is so fucking disrespectful to you.

149. And you never stick up for yourself.

150. I swear to God, you guys need marriage counseling.

151. Oh, fuck that.

152. What's the matter? Are you scared of therapy too?

153. - Oh, shit. - Oh, it's on, fuckers.

154. I'm not going to pay some shrink 80 bucks to sit there

155. and show me inkblots that all look like priests

156. with their dicks out.

157. Well, I think that's already progress.

158. Huh?

159. Look, I have a proposal.

160. I've saved up a little money

161. working extra shifts at the coffee shop.

162. As my Christmas gift to you and Susan this year,

163. I will pay for one marriage counseling session.

164. All you got to do is show up.

165. Oh, Matty, can we?

166. Jesus, Susan.

167. What will we even talk about?

168. Oh, we can talk about how much we love each other.

169. OK. You know what?

170. Fine.

171. We'll go, just to show you that you're full of shit,

172. and Susan and I have a great marriage.

173. In fact, you know what, let's go right now.

174. It's not open at 9:00 p.m.

175. Oh.

176. And the bullshit begins.

177. Now, of course, the most well-known singularity

178. in Frost poem is the repetition of,

179. "And miles to go before I sleep,"

180. which refers not to literal sleep but to death

181. and the overwhelming—

182. Is there something you'd like to share

183. with the class, Miss Lyons?

184. We were just wondering if your pants are big enough.

185. Excuse me?

186. It just seems like there's a little fashion

187. emergency going on.

188. Did you get your pants from the lost and found?

189. Yeah, these pants are a little big.

190. They were my dad's.

191. Why am I wearing my dead father's pants, you ask?

192. Because I've moved back in with my mother.

193. My wife left me two weeks ago for a racquetball teacher.

194. Happy now? - God, chill out.

195. It was a joke.

196. I'd love to chill out, Erin.

197. I really would.

198. But you know what, life has other plans for me.

199. My wife says he makes eye contact

200. with her when they make love.

201. With me, it's either eye contact or an erection.

202. You have to choose one.

203. And silly me, I thought the right choice was the erection.

204. Well, I had a 50/50 shot, didn't I?

205. Turns out she wants eye contact.

206. And now that I've moved back in with Mother,

207. I have to masturbate into the toilet because my bed squeaks.

208. Of course, if you ask my ex-wife,

209. the toilet is where Mr. George's sperm belongs.

210. Now there's a joke, Erin.

211. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

212. Mr. George, can we have a talk in my office?

213. Gee, I wonder what this is about.

214. Everyone, please read pages 81 to 96.

215. I'm kidding. I don't give a shit.

216. I think that's enough emotional trauma for the day.

217. Why don't you kids go home early?

218. Man, that was insane, huh?

219. Yeah. Those cheerleaders are mean.

220. That's—that's what you got from that?

221. Well, at least we got the afternoon off.

222. - Street hockey? - Street hockey.

223. Fuck yeah.

224. All right, this is it, baby.

225. You're going down. - Yeah, fuck you, Bobby Orr.

226. Take your best shot.

227. Oh!

228. And Bennett chokes in the final seconds of the game.

229. This is an absolute disgrace.

230. Ah, shit.

231. Look at the disappointed faces on all

232. these Make-A-Wish kids who only wanted

233. to see a Bruins victory.

234. Teddy—

235. This is a stunning upset fueling

236. an anger the fans will no doubt take out on their wives.

237. And I got to say, Don— - Shut the fuck up, all right?

238. I got to ask you something. - What?

239. Do you think Blaire is right?

240. Like, do my parents have a fucked up marriage?

241. Well, that's one of those tough to answer questions,

242. Johnny, like where did you find Teddy bear sized hockey gear?

243. I just don't know.

244. And if they are having problems,

245. is any of it my fault?

246. I mean, what can I do?

247. Well, I'm just brainstorming.

248. But it seems like, maybe, hurting yourself

249. could teach him a lesson.

250. Gee, I never thought of that.

251. Then I'd be in charge of the pain.

252. - Exactly. - Only I know what I deserve.

253. And I'd give myself just that much.

254. Yeah, you know, I'm just now starting

255. to see some cracks in this.

256. Hey, how'd it go?

257. I paid 80 bucks for that session,

258. and you just fucking walked out?

259. That quack had it in for me the second I

260. walked in that door.

261. You know what he said? You know what he said?

262. He said I'm selfish.

263. Oh, shocker.

264. Yeah, he said, I need to compromise more.

265. Can you believe that fucking shit?

266. I'm working a 60-hour week just to keep a roof over our heads.

267. He does work a lot.

268. See? Even she gets it.

269. Everything I do, I do it for you.

270. Wait, so you're saying, you can't tell me

271. it's not worth trying for.

272. - Exactly. - Like, I can't help it.

273. There's nothing I want more. - See?

274. You know it's true.

275. Oh, my God.

276. Shit, I can't believe he said it.

277. Oh, fucking amazing.

278. What?

279. It's Bryan Adams.

280. Oh, what a treat. What a treat.

281. Matty, the whole point of this was

282. for you to get a neutral perspective on your marriage.

283. He was not neutral.

284. He agreed with everything she said.

285. And he took a shit on everything I said.

286. So let me get this straight.

287. So no one's neutral unless they agree with you all the time.

288. Got it.

289. The guy's a Harvard fancy pants.

290. He doesn't understand regular guys.

291. The bartender down at Trammell's always

292. thinks I'm right.

293. In fact, he just said to me last night,

294. "You've made your point. You can go home now."

295. OK. So let's figure this out.

296. If Dr. Feldstein's not neutral, then who would be?

297. Who would you accept as a neutral arbiter?

298. Someone with no fucking agenda.

299. Like Ted.

300. Ted?

301. Yeah, he's an even guy, minds his own business.

302. He's neutral.

303. That's an interesting idea.

304. So you'd accept Ted as a neutral arbiter?

305. Absolutely.

306. Fuck it. What do you say, Ted?

307. About what?

308. Sorry. I was doing these Mad Libs.

309. Four score and seven cocks ago.

310. That's better than the real one.

311. Focus.

312. Would you be willing to listen to Susan and Matty's sides

313. and then make an objective judgment call?

314. What do you mean, like a—like a therapist?

315. Not therapy, just listening.

316. Oh, Blaire.

317. It's all right if he doesn't want to.

318. I can just watch "Oprah."

319. And maybe they'll have a topic that applies to me.

320. Will you do it?

321. Well, in the words of Abraham Lincoln,

322. a diarrhea divided against itself cannot John's wiener.

323. Oh, come on, man. Don't put that.

324. OK. I'll erase it.

325. You know, the suit wasn't necessary.

326. Blaire, please.

327. Johnny is my best friend.

328. He's got a stake in this.

329. So if I'm doing it, I'm doing it right.

330. Now let's start with the basics.

331. Would you classify your marriage

332. as sexually satisfying?

333. What?

334. How often would you say you have intercourse?

335. That's none of your goddamn business.

336. Look, why don't we just stick—

337. - Every six months. - Every six months.

338. And what about anal?

339. - Dude, seriously. - Jesus Christ.

340. We do like the room to be clean.

341. Yeah.

342. She said, yes.

343. Hilarious.

344. OK, now I want you to turn to each other

345. and say the meanest thing you can think of.

346. Ted, why don't you ask them something

347. productive like how they met,

348. what originally drew them to each other?

349. All right.

350. Matty, what originally attracted you to Susan?

351. Her innocence.

352. Oh, OK.

353. What?

354. I thought—

355. I already wrote it's—

356. it's fine.

357. Susan.

358. His heart.

359. When Matty and I first met,

360. he bought us tickets to see Simon & Garfunkel.

361. It was a Friday.

362. And he'd been working since 6:00 a.m.

363. Poor Matty was so tired.

364. Well, if there's any cure for being tired,

365. it's Simon & Garfunkel.

366. We'd never seen them up close.

367. So when we got there, Matty realized

368. that Garfunkel was a man.

369. So we had to leave. - Wait, why?

370. Two men shouldn't be singing harmony.

371. Dad, I thought you liked Hall & Oates?

372. - That's different. - Why?

373. Because they sing in unison.

374. Or they take turns, one and then the other one.

375. That's OK.

376. What about Crosby, Stills & Nash?

377. They're all right for now.

378. But I'm keeping my eye on them.

379. You're a complicated man.

380. I'm still waiting for the heart part.

381. Well, we got in the car.

382. And Matty drove home, and he got his record player.

383. And he took me to Boston Common.

384. And we had a picnic on the lawn while we

385. listened to Sonny & Cher.

386. And he bought me a rose.

387. And he danced with me right there on the grass.

388. You remember that? - Of course I do.

389. Matty, you did that?

390. Yeah.

391. It was beautiful.

392. She was this wicked smart college girl.

393. And I wanted to impress her.

394. See? I'm a good guy.

395. That prick fuck shrink was way off.

396. So fuck everybody.

397. Mom, I didn't know you went to college.

398. Yeah, me neither.

399. What did you study?

400. Well, I was going to teach.

401. You were going to be a teacher?

402. Susan, that's amazing.

403. I'd gotten my credentials.

404. And I was all ready to apply for a job.

405. And then I got married.

406. Why couldn't you do both?

407. Well, it just didn't seem practical

408. with the groceries and the laundry.

409. Well, I mean, have you ever thought of going back to it?

410. I think you'd be great.

411. Oh, no, no.

412. That was a long time ago. No, I couldn't.

413. Susan, I really think you could do this.

414. Jesus! She said she's not interested.

415. Should I make some chocolate milk?

416. Oh, yeah. Chocolate milk.

417. - Chocolate milk. - No, Susan.

418. For God's sake. - Therapy over.

419. We're doing chocolate milk now.

420. Guys, come on.

421. This woman does everything for all of us in this house.

422. And nobody ever does a goddamn thing for her.

423. And now she's sitting here telling us

424. something that's important.

425. That's horse shit. I do a ton of stuff.

426. You?

427. What do you do for Susan?

428. I pay for everything she owns and eats.

429. OK, how about we all just sit with what

430. Matty just said, while Susan gets on that chocolate milk?

431. I'll get that for you.

432. Well, I think I just proved my point

433. that this marriage is perfect.

434. Yeesh, I couldn't say this in front of them.

435. But they were both clearly molested.

436. Guys, believe it or not,

437. I think we did great.

438. - Really? - Yeah.

439. We just found out Susan has no identity outside this family.

440. I mean, she's a wife. She's a mother.

441. But that's it.

442. She could be so much more.

443. And it's so obvious that deep down, she wants to be.

444. You got all that from her saying she does anal?

445. Man, you should be the pretend therapist.

446. I mean, I hear you, Blaire.

447. But what are we supposed to do?

448. I don't know yet.

449. But somehow, we got to help her find her voice.

450. I mean, we're the only ones that can do it.

451. Couldn't agree more, Blaire.

452. Delusional narcissist.

453. Excuse me?

454. Note to self, stop saying what you write.

455. God, look at her.

456. She's so fucking hot. - Yeah.

457. Too bad she's a bitch.

458. I don't even care.

459. She could treat me like crap. I'd still let her jerk me off.

460. Oh, you should tell her, Johnny.

461. I'm sure she'd love to hear it. - All right, fuck you, man.

462. No, really, what a feather in her cap.

463. Hey, I'm just saying, hypothetically, if she asked,

464. I would say yes.

465. That's what she's telling her friend right now.

466. She's saying, see that kid over there in Lee jeans?

467. I want to bring him to climax.

468. But will he let me?

469. Hey, guys.

470. Oh, hey, Andrew. Hey, Polly.

471. Did you hear what happened to Mr. George?

472. - No, what? - He got fired.

473. No shit. Why?

474. They caught him in the faculty lounge

475. screaming at his own dick.

476. Oh, that's what that was.

477. Yeah, I heard yelling coming out of there yesterday.

478. You're not going to let me fuck?

479. I'm not going to let you pee!

480. Well, do they have someone to replace him?

481. I don't know.

482. I think they're trying to find a sub.

483. - Teddy. - What?

484. - They're looking for a sub. - Yeah, so?

485. So what about Mom?

486. Susan?

487. Yeah. Why not?

488. I mean, you remember what Blaire said,

489. no one ever does anything for her.

490. I mean, yeah.

491. But you really want your mother teaching your class?

492. I mean, you remember what happened to Todd Greene?

493. He yelled goodbye to his mother.

494. And now he's got to eat lunch with the janitor.

495. I don't care.

496. People are shitting in his desk.

497. Look, Teddy. We got to at least try.

498. Let's go talk to the principal.

499. Well, I have to admit,

500. we're in a bit of a bind here.

501. Does Mrs. Bennett have any prior teaching experience?

502. Well, no, but she's got all her credentials.

503. I see.

504. Oh, she's the one who taught me how

505. to use the bathroom by myself.

506. Yeah, last August, right?

507. Oh, shut up, man.

508. Fuck you. - All right, man.

509. - What's that? - I don't fucking know.

510. Do you know if your mother would

511. be willing to take this on for what

512. may be an indefinite period?

513. I mean, she has always wanted to be a teacher.

514. She just couldn't because she had to do laundry.

515. There's a lot of laundry so—

516. I know she'd do a wicked good job.

517. OK, listen. How about this?

518. You hire her.

519. And the next time there's an anti-drug assembly,

520. and they ask for questions, I will ask a question.

521. Teddy, don't. What, are you crazy?

522. Quiet, John, quiet.

523. I will ask a question of the speaker.

524. No one has ever asked a question at assembly.

525. I will ask one.

526. - A real question? - Yes.

527. Not like a, can we see your nipple, kind of question,

528. like, a real one.

529. Like, how can I help ensure

530. my school remains drug-free?

531. Like, who should I tell if I suspect a peer is on drugs?

532. - Good God. - Teddy, no, no.

533. - Shut up, John. - It's not worth it.

534. Shut up. This is for Susan!

535. You have your deal.

536. And may God have mercy on your soul.

537. Now get out of this office before I kick your ass myself.

538. - Yes, ma'am, thank you. - Thank you, thank you so much.

539. Thank you.

540. God, I love this job.

541. What do you think? Is it a hit?

542. I just told you.

543. There's already a song called the "Monster Mash."

544. Oh, no, Blaire. Jesus Christ.

545. Look at the diagram again.

546. So this song the "Monster Mash" was inspired by this dance

547. the Monster Mash.

548. But the song the "Monster Mash,"

549. which is about the dance the Monster Mash,

550. which was inspired by the song the "Monster Mash"

551. is not the song the "Monster Mash," all right?

552. That song does not exist in our universe.

553. Ever since 1962, we have been living in the outer circle.

554. And we don't even know it.

555. Teddy and I have written the song the "Monster Mash"--

556. Which will take our reality to the innermost circle

557. for the first time in the history of the cosmos.

558. All we need is $2,000 for studio time.

559. I'll save you the time right now.

560. Nobody in 1993 is going to give a shit about a song

561. called the "Monster Mash."

562. Why not?

563. Because all the good music now

564. is about shit that matters, people with real stories.

565. I mean, don't you guys listen to hip-hop?

566. OK, OK, how about this?

567. John.

568. Hey, Mom.

569. I just got a call from the principal.

570. Really?

571. They want me to take over for Mr. George.

572. They do?

573. Yeah.

574. And, John, they said it was your idea.

575. Is that true?

576. Are you mad?

577. No, no.

578. I'm just overwhelmed.

579. Well, you're going to do it, right?

580. Well, I don't know.

581. Oh, my God.

582. You have to say yes. This is your chance.

583. Well, if I'm working, then who's going to let the mailman

584. in to use the bathroom?

585. Listen to me.

586. This is about you doing something for yourself.

587. Well, if it's what you want.

588. No, Jesus. It's not about me.

589. It's about what you want.

590. This was your dream. I mean, come on.

591. You got to give yourself a chance to see it through.

592. You're not embarrassed to have your mother

593. teaching your class?

594. I already walk around school with my Teddy bear.

595. I think I'll be fine.

596. Oh, John.

597. Thank you. - OK, oh, God.

598. Oh, Jesus, Ma. - Thank you so much.

599. Oh, I'm so excited. I'm all flushed.

600. I'm going to go stand in the basement water.

601. John, you did that for her?

602. Well, yeah.

603. You know, you said nobody ever does anything for her so—

604. Yeah, you know, we're not all about smoking weed

605. and scouring the beaches of the world

606. looking for the perfect wave.

607. We care.

608. It's increasingly possible that the two of you

609. might not be total fuck-ups.

610. I'm OK!

611. I'm OK.

612. Susan, get out of the basement!

613. I'm watching TV.

614. Good morning, everyone.

615. Hi.

616. I'm your substitute teacher, Mrs. Bennett.

617. Fuck yeah. Great start.

618. I'm a little new at this.

619. So I hope you'll be patient with me.

620. I was told you're studying American poets

621. of the early 20th century.

622. Is that right?

623. Yeah, yeah. That's right.

624. OK.

625. Now let's see.

626. It looks like Mr. George left off with T.S. Eliot.

627. Yeah?

628. OK, well, you know, I have a very special place

629. in my heart for T.S. Eliot.

630. He wrote those wonderful poems about cats.

631. And when I was a little girl, whenever I'd get sick

632. and I'd stay home in bed,

633. my mother would read me those poems.

634. They always made me feel better.

635. Did I say something funny?

636. You're saying you're a cat lady?

637. Yes, yes.

638. I guess I am a cat lady.

639. Well, that explains the blouse.

640. The blouse?

641. Does it look OK?

642. Yeah, it looks great.

643. Actually, my grandma has curtains in her bathroom.

644. And I think that they might be the same pattern.

645. Oh, what a funny coincidence.

646. - Leave her alone, Erin. - Yeah.

647. Some of us are here to learn.

648. Aren't you the guy who asked the question at assembly?

649. A lot of people wanted to know about the long-term

650. side effects of drugs.

651. Mrs. Bennett, did you pick out the blouse yourself?

652. Yeah.

653. "Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats."

654. Did you pick out the skirt yourself too?

655. I did.

656. Is there something wrong with my skirt?

657. I mean, not unless you're someone who thinks

658. Marshalls is too pricey.

659. Hey, Erin.

660. Hi. Ted.

661. We've never officially talked. But I know your work.

662. Listen, I think Susan's doing a terrific job.

663. So I figured this is a good time

664. to tell you, we all know about the nose job

665. you had last year.

666. You didn't fool anybody.

667. Because we all remember before the surgery

668. when you tried to kiss Danny Santucci,

669. and you poked his eye out.

670. Also, and everybody in town knows this except you.

671. Your dad is really your uncle, which may have subconsciously

672. fucked you up and caused you eating disorder, which is also

673. no secret because everybody's heard you

674. throwing up in the bathroom.

675. And also, I recently found out you're

676. a virgin, which is interesting, because you've

677. been lying about that too.

678. So I hope you do give your boyfriend fellatio

679. because at least then there's something

680. going down your throat besides your finger.

681. That about cover it?

682. Jesus Christ, Teddy.

683. Sorry.

684. We don't do enough for Susan at home.

685. So I felt obligated to say those things.

686. Well, go ahead, Susan.

687. Well, go ahead and read

688. "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock."

689. I'll be right back.

690. You know, before Mrs. B., I didn't

691. care nothing about reading.

692. But she opened my eyes.

693. These poems really are just like rap songs.

694. Oh, sweetie.

695. Are you OK?

696. I'm a total fucking loser!

697. Oh, honey.

698. No, no, you're not.

699. You're a very special girl.

700. I just know it.

701. I'm a fucking disaster.

702. My whole life is an absolute fucking mess.

703. You're 16.

704. Your life hasn't even started yet.

705. You can still be anyone you want to be.

706. I'm sorry I was such a bitch.

707. You know, when I was your age,

708. I used to think my ears were too big.

709. And then one day I saw a picture in a magazine

710. of a girl with a deformed ear because her mother smoked

711. while she was in the womb.

712. It was awful.

713. It was like a little piece of popcorn.

714. And then I realized that maybe I had more

715. to be grateful for than I knew because at least I

716. had both my ears.

717. I think about that girl in the magazine.

718. And I just—

719. I hope somebody gave her a job where she doesn't have

720. to interact with the public.

721. That's fucked up, like, all of it,

722. every part of that story.

723. You are perfect just the way you are.

724. And I'm sure your parents tell you that

725. every day, don't they?

726. No, not really.

727. They're just obsessed with solving

728. my brother's stupid murder.

729. Oh.

730. It's, like, you have a daughter too.

731. Would you like some chocolate milk?

732. No, I'm OK.

733. You're a really nice lady, Mrs. Bennett.

734. So I want to hear all about it.

735. You would have been wicked proud of her, Blaire.

736. She did great. - Yeah.

737. I mean, I was having trouble with a math problem.

738. And then she converted the units

739. into items from my street.

740. And I got it.

741. It was a memorable experience.

742. God, Aunt Sus, I just have to say, I am so proud of you.

743. You've wanted this for decades.

744. And it's finally yours.

745. By the way, I didn't know that girl's brother

746. was murdered when I said that stuff.

747. I mean, really, you stepped up.

748. And you did it.

749. Yeah.

750. What's the matter?

751. Blaire, I'm not going back.

752. You're not?

753. No.

754. Why?

755. It's just not for me.

756. Well, look.

757. I'm sure there were a few bumps.

758. But it's just your first day.

759. Next time, it's going to be even better.

760. Blaire, I'm not like you.

761. You want something different out of life than I do.

762. Years ago, I wanted to teach.

763. But somewhere along the line—

764. well, it's different now.

765. You know, I admire how strong you are and—

766. and what you want from the world.

767. But it's not who I am.

768. I'm happy with my life.

769. But your life can't just be about chocolate milk

770. and Matty's stools.

771. You know, I'm just putting it together now.

772. But you think all the lactose is maybe the reason he's so—

773. Oh, Blaire. I don't see it that way at all.

774. I mean, the best part of my day was helping

775. that girl with the nose job.

776. - Oh, it's a terrible nose job. - It's a terrible nose job.

777. And I didn't want her to feel badly about it.

778. But just being there for her made me feel so good.

779. That's my special power, Blaire,

780. helping people who need me.

781. Making them happy is what makes me happy.

782. I have to be honest, Aunt Sus.

783. I don't understand how that can be enough.

784. I mean, you know you can do both.

785. I don't want to.

786. Oh, I'm so sorry.

787. I didn't mean to yell.

788. No, it's OK.

789. Are you OK?

790. - Yeah. - Oh, my gosh.

791. Oh, Matty, you're limping.

792. Oh, my goddamn gout's killing me.

793. Oh, no. You want me to take a look?

794. No, no, no, no. You don't want to see this.

795. My big toe looks like a frog holding his breath.

796. Well, last time it was a cob of Indian corn.

797. So it must be getting better.

798. Yeah, well, it hurts like a shithouse.

799. Matty, why don't we go upstairs to the bedroom,

800. and you can show me your toe, OK?

801. All right.

802. Oh, so many steps.

803. I know.

804. I just want to go on the record

805. that I don't approve of this kind of enabling.

806. Well, if this week has taught us anything,

807. it's that what matters most is Blaire's approval.

808. Ha, hilarious.

809. Fuck you. - Yeah, smoke up.

810. It just bums me out, you know,

811. that the women of Aunt Susan's generation

812. can be happy with so little.

813. Yeah, I know what you mean.

814. I don't like those women either.

815. They need to have more ambition like us.

816. But you get what I'm saying, right?

817. I mean, people just walk all over her.

818. And she just smiles and keeps on like vacuuming

819. the fucking floor.

820. I mean, she kind of told you to fuck off.

821. Yeah, I guess mission accomplished, huh?

822. This is going to be a thing, isn't it,

823. the three of us getting high?

824. - Yeah, it sure is. - Yeah, enjoy your new life.

825. Fuck.

826. Remember when I was a therapist?