1. Oh, baby. Here we go.Copy !req
2. Let the festivities begin.Copy !req
3. - How many have we got?
- Well, let's see.Copy !req
4. We got 20 cartons,
12 eggs in each.Copy !req
5. That's got to be like,
20 dozen eggs, right?Copy !req
6. Fucking fantastic.Copy !req
7. Do you think we're
getting too old for this?Copy !req
8. Oh, come on, Johnny, we're
doing a public service here.Copy !req
9. If a kid leaves the house in
a less than stellar HalloweenCopy !req
10. costume, he's got
to get the bad newsCopy !req
11. before he makes a fool
of himself all over town.Copy !req
12. We're Samaritans.Copy !req
13. You remember last year?Copy !req
14. Oh, check it out.
There's one.Copy !req
15. Hey, nice costume, fuckface!Copy !req
16. Ah! What the hell?Copy !req
17. Hey, what the fuck
are you supposed to be?Copy !req
18. - I'm the Hulk.
- Yeah, no, you're not.Copy !req
19. Yes, I am!Copy !req
20. The Hulk doesn't
have a fucking pictureCopy !req
21. of the Hulk on his chest.Copy !req
22. Yeah, the Hulk's shirt
doesn't say "The Hulk" on it.Copy !req
23. Yeah, if you got
to tell us you're the Hulk,Copy !req
24. it's already
a failed narrative.Copy !req
25. Fuck you.Copy !req
26. Ah! You assholes!Copy !req
27. Hulk angry.Copy !req
28. - Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, whatever, dude.Copy !req
29. Hulk smash!Copy !req
30. Yeah, go back to Walgreens
and smash there.Copy !req
31. Hey, you ever notice how the
Hulk only talks about himselfCopy !req
32. in the third person?Copy !req
33. I know.
He's like Bob Dole.Copy !req
34. Shit!Copy !req
35. All right,
how much time we got?Copy !req
36. Uh, a couple hours.Copy !req
37. What do you want to do?Copy !req
38. - Scary movie?
- Scary movie.Copy !req
39. Wait, what the hell?Copy !req
40. Where's "Texas
Chainsaw Massacre"?Copy !req
41. Hey, hey, Blaire.Copy !req
42. Yeah.Copy !req
43. I thought you were going
to rent scary movies.Copy !req
44. I did.Copy !req
45. Walt Disney's "Watcher
in the Woods," what the fuck?Copy !req
46. Chainsaws are lazy
and obvious.Copy !req
47. This is cerebral.Copy !req
48. And it's a really scary movie.Copy !req
49. Walt Disney?Copy !req
50. Early '80s Disney,
the dark period.Copy !req
51. Oh, what dark period?
It's fucking Disney.Copy !req
52. You'll be scared.Copy !req
53. Oh, come on, I saw "Aladdin,"
and I was fine.Copy !req
54. I wasn't sitting there like,
oh, no, fucking Jafar.Copy !req
55. You know, we're not
kids anymore, Blaire.Copy !req
56. Yeah.Copy !req
57. I haven't cried
last four haircuts.Copy !req
58. - Yeah.
- I'm using deodorant now.Copy !req
59. Yeah, deodorant.Copy !req
60. Fine, I dare you to watch it.Copy !req
61. See if it doesn't mess you up.Copy !req
62. - Fine, sure.
- No problem.Copy !req
63. Oh, no.
- No, no, no.Copy !req
64. No, no, no.
- No, no, I don't like this.Copy !req
65. - This is not good.
- No.Copy !req
66. Nope.Copy !req
67. Nope, nope, nope, nope,
nope, nope, nope, nope.Copy !req
68. Don't like this.Copy !req
69. - Come on.
- Oh, stop.Copy !req
70. - Come on.
- Stop it.Copy !req
71. - Come on.
- Oh, stop it!Copy !req
72. - Come on.
- Stop it!Copy !req
73. - Goddammit!
- Come on!Copy !req
74. - What the fuck?
- Come on!Copy !req
75. Fuck, you're
a piece of shit, Blaire.Copy !req
76. Oh, my God.Copy !req
77. Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck.Copy !req
78. - Get it off.
- Turn it off.Copy !req
79. Turn it the fuck off.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
80. Oh.Copy !req
81. I'm never looking
in a mirror again.Copy !req
82. Me neither, fucking God!Copy !req
83. I'm never going
to be able to shave.Copy !req
84. Yeah.
Thanks, Blaire.Copy !req
85. Now he's going to have
to grow a mustache.Copy !req
86. Oh, that's going to limit
my career choices.Copy !req
87. Yeah, he's going to have
to be a cop or a fireman.Copy !req
88. - Oh, those are dangerous jobs.
- Yeah.Copy !req
89. What if he gets killed?Copy !req
90. God, Blaire,
you're such a fucker.Copy !req
91. Well, next time,
don't be so smug with allCopy !req
92. your cocky deodorant talk.Copy !req
93. Hello?Copy !req
94. Man, mirrors in horror movies
are like a huge red flag.Copy !req
95. Oh, hey, Sharon.
What's up?Copy !req
96. Mirrors and small childrenCopy !req
97. pointing at things
that you can't see.Copy !req
98. Oh, shit.
Yeah, that's a bad one.Copy !req
99. God, are you sure?Copy !req
100. Oh, and when
the Black guy says,Copy !req
101. oh, I'll go check out what
the noise is in the basement.Copy !req
102. That's always trouble.Copy !req
103. Well, thank you
for telling me.Copy !req
104. Yeah, why does
the Black guy always die?Copy !req
105. No, it's fine.
I'll figure it out.Copy !req
106. Yeah, isn't that
kind of racist?Copy !req
107. Seems like it.Copy !req
108. They should have only
white people in those movies.Copy !req
109. Oh, yeah, so then the Black
guys won't get killed.Copy !req
110. Yeah, I'll talk to you later.Copy !req
111. Blaire, we just came up
with a great wayCopy !req
112. to make movies less racist.Copy !req
113. Sharon is
conscientiously objectingCopy !req
114. to this costume party tonight,
so I need a designated driver.Copy !req
115. Can you do it?
- Me?Copy !req
116. No, not tonight.Copy !req
117. Yeah, me and Ted
got massive plans.Copy !req
118. Well, I can't drive myself.Copy !req
119. I'll be full of Jell-O shots.Copy !req
120. So you have a few drinks,
big deal.Copy !req
121. You know what nobody ever talks
about with drunk driving?Copy !req
122. How fun it is.Copy !req
123. John doesn't have
his license yet.Copy !req
124. And you—
- It's like a video game.Copy !req
125. - You owe me.
- For what?Copy !req
126. I took the heat
went Aunt Suze foundCopy !req
127. the porno you guys rented.Copy !req
128. What do I care?
She's not my mom.Copy !req
129. My mom's an 11-year-old kid
in China with arthritis.Copy !req
130. How do you know that?Copy !req
131. Because she sewed a note
in my leg that saysCopy !req
132. she's never had a vegetable.Copy !req
133. Come on, Ted.
Please, you got to drive me.Copy !req
134. It's not
a good night, Blaire.Copy !req
135. We got plans.
- Yeah.Copy !req
136. Now, I'm going to go shower
and fluff myself,Copy !req
137. so I can be
in a confident head spaceCopy !req
138. to shame trick-or-treaters.Copy !req
139. The cuter I look,
the worse they feel.Copy !req
140. Ah, where's
the goddamn conditioner?Copy !req
141. Help me.Copy !req
142. Ah!Copy !req
143. Be my designated driver.Copy !req
144. Jesus Christ,
Blaire, what the fuck!Copy !req
145. Well?Copy !req
146. What the fuck
is wrong with you?Copy !req
147. I'm naked.
- You're always naked.Copy !req
148. Yeah, but I'm bathroom naked.Copy !req
149. I'm washing my bear parts.Copy !req
150. Get lost.Copy !req
151. - Help me.
- Ah, Jesus Christ!Copy !req
152. Drive me to the party.Copy !req
153. I said no.
Stop fucking scaring me.Copy !req
154. God!Copy !req
155. You can end this
very easily, you know.Copy !req
156. I will not be blackmailed.Copy !req
157. There's nothing like the
scent of the hills of KilkennyCopy !req
158. to make you feel fresh.Copy !req
159. And we put a bit of that
into every barCopy !req
160. of Irish Spring.Copy !req
161. This whole ad
campaign is a bluff.Copy !req
162. What do you mean?Copy !req
163. It's like,
you know who smells good?Copy !req
164. The Irish.Copy !req
165. Yeah, a guy named
Seamus Boyle smells great.Copy !req
166. Is it warm in here?Copy !req
167. Yeah, it is kind of warm.Copy !req
168. Yeah, it feels like
somebody turned up the heat.Copy !req
169. I'm going to check
the thermostat.Copy !req
170. - No, wait.
- What?Copy !req
171. It's her.Copy !req
172. It's fucking Blaire.Copy !req
173. You open that door,
she's going to be right thereCopy !req
174. with that fucking blindfold.Copy !req
175. Here, I'll open a window.Copy !req
176. Help me.Copy !req
177. Ah!Copy !req
178. All right, goddammit!Copy !req
179. Forbidden donut.Copy !req
180. Well, well,
finishing something?Copy !req
181. Now, remember,
the instant you finish it...Copy !req
182. Oh, my God!Copy !req
183. You two look so adorable.Copy !req
184. Thank you.Copy !req
185. All right,
let me guess who you are.Copy !req
186. Blaire, you're Batman.Copy !req
187. Close, Catwoman.Copy !req
188. OK.Copy !req
189. And, Ted, you're
Lawrence of Arabia.Copy !req
190. Yeah, that's exactly right.Copy !req
191. All right,
now don't worry, Johnny.Copy !req
192. I'll be back by 9:00.
Right, Blaire?Copy !req
193. That was the deal.
- Yeah, sure, whatever.Copy !req
194. We're going
to miss the first round.Copy !req
195. Yeah, but that's
just the little kids.Copy !req
196. We'll have plenty of time
to shame the puberty crowd.Copy !req
197. Yeah, I guess.Copy !req
198. OK, well, we got to go.Copy !req
199. All right, you two.Copy !req
200. You have a fun time now.Copy !req
201. Oh, Johnny, don't look so sad.Copy !req
202. I have a fun surprise for you.Copy !req
203. What is it?Copy !req
204. I've hidden a Heath bar
somewhere in this house.Copy !req
205. Can I get a hint?Copy !req
206. Oh, I can't do this to you.Copy !req
207. It's in the hamper.Copy !req
208. I'll go get it.Copy !req
209. Blaire!Copy !req
210. Oh, my God.
- You look so good.Copy !req
211. You look so good.Copy !req
212. Oh, you guys look amazing.Copy !req
213. - You look amazing.
- Stunning.Copy !req
214. This is Ted.Copy !req
215. Ted, you know Sarah.Copy !req
216. And this is Paige.
- Hey.Copy !req
217. Hey, Ted.
How's it going?Copy !req
218. Hey, how are you?Copy !req
219. What's your costume?Copy !req
220. Are you a caveman?Copy !req
221. You ever see
"Return of the Jedi"?Copy !req
222. It was kind of a small
independent film,Copy !req
223. mostly Israeli financed.Copy !req
224. Yeah, I don't date men,
so I don't need to learn this.Copy !req
225. Well, come on, we need
to get you guys wasted.Copy !req
226. Yes, yes for me, but Ted here
is my designated driver.Copy !req
227. Yeah, I'm the guy
that gets to listenCopy !req
228. to the Spin Doctors sober.Copy !req
229. That sucks.
Come on.Copy !req
230. Hey.Copy !req
231. Want a drink?Copy !req
232. I can't, I'm driving.Copy !req
233. Oh, too bad.Copy !req
234. I always wanted to do a shot
with a teddy bear.Copy !req
235. Fuck it, I'm not driving yet.Copy !req
236. I always wanted to smoke weed
with a teddy bear.Copy !req
237. Sign me up.Copy !req
238. I always wanted to snort
my ADHD meds with a teddy bear.Copy !req
239. If that's a cry for help,
you got the wrong guy.Copy !req
240. Yeah!Copy !req
241. All righty, kids.Copy !req
242. You take care now,
and happy Halloween.Copy !req
243. Say thank you, kids.Copy !req
244. Thank you.Copy !req
245. Oh, you're welcome.Copy !req
246. And be careful
of the razor blades, all right?Copy !req
247. They're everywhere.Copy !req
248. Matty.Copy !req
249. Get the bacitracin.Copy !req
250. The bacitra— why?Copy !req
251. An ostrich bit me.Copy !req
252. - A what?
- A goddamn ostrich!Copy !req
253. I was installing a fence
for a guy over in Boxford.Copy !req
254. And he keeps ostriches,
doesn't want them gettingCopy !req
255. past the property line.Copy !req
256. And one of them bit me
on the fucking ass!Copy !req
257. Wow, I've never seen
an ostrich in person before.Copy !req
258. Your job is so interesting.Copy !req
259. Susan, will you
help me out here?Copy !req
260. I'll get the bacitracin.Copy !req
261. Yeah, and maybe
we call a moratoriumCopy !req
262. on you sticking Fig Newtons
in my pocket wrappedCopy !req
263. in a little goddamn note!Copy !req
264. Hey, Mom,
do we have any more chip—Copy !req
265. Take a long look, Johnny.Copy !req
266. This is what life is.Copy !req
267. - Cheers, fucksticks.
- Whoo!Copy !req
268. Ah.Copy !req
269. Hey, you guys want
to see something terrifying?Copy !req
270. Watch this.Copy !req
271. Everybody wave your arms!Copy !req
272. Everybody jump in the air!Copy !req
273. Let's invade Poland!Copy !req
274. See that?
That's the Milgram experiment.Copy !req
275. That's how it starts,
with dancing.Copy !req
276. The dad from "Footloose"
was right.Copy !req
277. Oh, shit!Copy !req
278. It's 8:30.Copy !req
279. Blaire, Blaire, it's 8:30.Copy !req
280. We got to go.Copy !req
281. God, I never noticed how
beautiful your hair is.Copy !req
282. Does it just naturally
dry like that?Copy !req
283. Shut the fuck up.Copy !req
284. Your hair's the beautiful hair.Copy !req
285. Wait a minute, are—Copy !req
286. are you drunk?Copy !req
287. I'm just a little—
it's sort of.Copy !req
288. It's fine.
- You're fucking drunk!Copy !req
289. Well, so are you.Copy !req
290. Yeah, well,
that was the plan.Copy !req
291. Sorry.Copy !req
292. How the hell are we
supposed to get home?Copy !req
293. You're completely fucked up.Copy !req
294. It's a straight shot.Copy !req
295. You take the Neponset Circle,
to 93 South, to 90 West,Copy !req
296. to 495 North,
and you just do that U-turnCopy !req
297. at the light in front
of the police station,Copy !req
298. and you're home.Copy !req
299. Yeah, no, I'm not getting
in a car with you.Copy !req
300. Look, what's done is done.Copy !req
301. But we both promised
Johnny we'd get me backCopy !req
302. in time for egging, all right?Copy !req
303. I'm fine to drive.Copy !req
304. You're not driving
my car drunk, OK?Copy !req
305. It's— it's my car.Copy !req
306. I should be the drunk driver.Copy !req
307. All right, fair enough.Copy !req
308. I'll help by screaming
out things I see.Copy !req
309. Hey, Blaire.Copy !req
310. Professor Damon, hi.Copy !req
311. - Who's this now?
- How are you?Copy !req
312. Good, good.Copy !req
313. Feeling sharp.Copy !req
314. Feeling sharp?Copy !req
315. Shut the fuck up.Copy !req
316. I love the Batman costume.Copy !req
317. Oh, thanks.Copy !req
318. And who's
Lawrence of Arabia here?Copy !req
319. Ted, talking teddy bear, hi.Copy !req
320. Oh, Ted.
Yes, of course.Copy !req
321. I remember
your story very well.Copy !req
322. Yeah.
Well, it's nice meeting you.Copy !req
323. Come on.
Let's go, Blaire.Copy !req
324. You in a rush?Copy !req
325. Why don't you come up
to the house for a minute?Copy !req
326. There's something
I'd like to talk to you about.Copy !req
327. I just went to the store.Copy !req
328. I could whip us up
a little caprese salad.Copy !req
329. Yeah, yeah, sure.Copy !req
330. I love salad.Copy !req
331. Whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute, hang on.Copy !req
332. Oh, you're invited too, Ted.Copy !req
333. See you in a few?Copy !req
334. Awesome, yeah.Copy !req
335. See you in a few.
- OK.Copy !req
336. You buttnut!Copy !req
337. I promised Johnny
I'd be home by 9:00.Copy !req
338. You clearly don't
know who that is.Copy !req
339. Yeah, a guy in his 50s riding
a moped, fucking winner.Copy !req
340. That is Lucas Damon,
my English lit professor.Copy !req
341. The Lucas Damon
who also happens to beCopy !req
342. a "New York Times"
best-selling novelist.Copy !req
343. Yeah, was the novel about a
guy who couldn't afford a car?Copy !req
344. Was the guy—Copy !req
345. no, he's looking
for a student researchCopy !req
346. assistant for his next book.Copy !req
347. Literally everybody
wants this job.Copy !req
348. "I love salad."Copy !req
349. See, I knew you were lying.
Nobody loves salad.Copy !req
350. I do.
I really love salad.Copy !req
351. Not one person
on this planet loves salad.Copy !req
352. - I do.
- You're on death row.Copy !req
353. Your last meal, you can
have a steak or a salad.Copy !req
354. - I'm going to choose a salad.
- Fuck you!Copy !req
355. You're getting a steak.Copy !req
356. After what you did
to that family—Copy !req
357. the baby's ear was
on the ceiling!Copy !req
358. I've been doing
this job 20 years.Copy !req
359. I never seen
anything so horrible.Copy !req
360. - What?
- Oh, Christ, I'm fucked up.Copy !req
361. Yeah, it's good you're driving.
- Eh.Copy !req
362. My latest work is
a piece of historical fictionCopy !req
363. that examines race and class
in 19th century New England.Copy !req
364. Wow, that sounds incredible.Copy !req
365. Hey, great salad, by the way.Copy !req
366. I love that there
are no croutons.Copy !req
367. It explores the balance
between sociopolitical changeCopy !req
368. and personal
relationships as seenCopy !req
369. through the eyes
of a labor organizerCopy !req
370. in Martha's Vineyard.Copy !req
371. There's a plot twist
that will shock you.Copy !req
372. Hey, can I maybe have
a different can of SchweppesCopy !req
373. that's not 85 degrees?Copy !req
374. You know, John Irving
always starts a novelCopy !req
375. with the last sentence.Copy !req
376. I like to start
with the second to last.Copy !req
377. Would you like to hear it?Copy !req
378. Absolutely.Copy !req
379. The horizon weptCopy !req
380. as Clara's
undraped mortal frameCopy !req
381. joined the coiled multitudes,Copy !req
382. elation, revolution,Copy !req
383. a taste of bitter blood.Copy !req
384. It's brilliant.Copy !req
385. It evokes the best
of James JoyceCopy !req
386. without feeling derivative
or overly aureate.Copy !req
387. Hey, how'd you
get inside my head?Copy !req
388. I'll freshen our drinks.Copy !req
389. Ted, I'm sure Blaire has warned
you, I'm the fun professor.Copy !req
390. OK.Copy !req
391. Jesus fucking Christ.Copy !req
392. Are you shitting me?
- What?Copy !req
393. What do you mean, what?Copy !req
394. We're sitting here wasting timeCopy !req
395. because this fucking horndog
just wants to bang you.Copy !req
396. Excuse me.Copy !req
397. Where the hell are
you getting that?Copy !req
398. Oh, my God, Blaire,
it's so obvious.Copy !req
399. He invites you to his place,
he gets you drunk—Copy !req
400. OK, I'm not drunk.Copy !req
401. What are you talking about?Copy !req
402. "I love that there
are no croutons."Copy !req
403. Yeah, it's called
being polite.Copy !req
404. - When did you become—
- You should fucking try it.Copy !req
405. anti crouton just
for this buttnut?Copy !req
406. I'm trying to make
fucking conversation.Copy !req
407. And by the way,
I'm guessing this isCopy !req
408. the first time he's
seen you dressed like this,Copy !req
409. as opposed
to your usual fashion,Copy !req
410. which is basically Melissa
Ethridge at a flea market.Copy !req
411. I know when
I'm being hit on, OK?Copy !req
412. I have seven uncles.
- You know what else?Copy !req
413. I'm just going to say it,
that salad tastesCopy !req
414. like Dustin Hoffman's balls.Copy !req
415. Here we go, more wine.Copy !req
416. Or should we be naughty
and start on the cognac?Copy !req
417. Yeah.
Listen, we got to go.Copy !req
418. I got to take medicine
for my diabetes.Copy !req
419. Oh, I'm so sorry.
You have diabetes?Copy !req
420. Oh, yeah, real bad.Copy !req
421. Oh. Type 1 or 2?Copy !req
422. Well, it started
with just one diabete.Copy !req
423. And then, you know,
left unchecked—Copy !req
424. I completely understand.Copy !req
425. Diabetes killed my mother
and my older sister.Copy !req
426. Great, thanks for having us.
Come on, Blaire.Copy !req
427. Let's get the fuck
out of here, huh?Copy !req
428. Pleasure.Copy !req
429. As Borges said,Copy !req
430. "With every goodbye,
you learn."Copy !req
431. As Steinbeck said,Copy !req
432. "Farewell has
a sweet sound of reluctance.Copy !req
433. Goodbye is short and final."Copy !req
434. As Hemingway said, "I wonder
what this gun tastes like."Copy !req
435. All right, come on.
Let's go, huh?Copy !req
436. Oh, Johnny,
you still look so sad.Copy !req
437. It's after 9:00.Copy !req
438. Ted promised to be back by now.Copy !req
439. Oh, I'm sorry, honey.Copy !req
440. Well, if you want,
you can help me cleanCopy !req
441. your father's ostrich bite.Copy !req
442. Seriously?Copy !req
443. That's— that's
your best offer, Dad's ass?Copy !req
444. Oh.Copy !req
445. Well, what if you
invited a friend over?Copy !req
446. In case you haven't noticed,
Ted's my only friend.Copy !req
447. That lovely new woman
from church, Carol,Copy !req
448. said she has a son.Copy !req
449. I think he's about your age.Copy !req
450. I don't care.Copy !req
451. He's probably growing
into his body just like you.Copy !req
452. Should I invite him over?Copy !req
453. What the fuck? No.Copy !req
454. I think I'll call Carol.Copy !req
455. Why?Copy !req
456. Susan, the gauze came off.Copy !req
457. It's leaking again.Copy !req
458. Susan.Copy !req
459. Johnny, meet me in the bathroom
with a T-shirt you don't wear.Copy !req
460. Nothing with a decal!Copy !req
461. Oh, my God.
Can you fucking watch the road?Copy !req
462. That was a red light.
- I see it.Copy !req
463. I just— I choose not
to let it define me.Copy !req
464. Pull over.
I'm going to drive.Copy !req
465. Fuck that.Copy !req
466. You're the one
who was chugging wineCopy !req
467. with that professor
of cliterature.Copy !req
468. You know, like—
like literature, but like—Copy !req
469. - Yeah, no.
- With like, a clitoris.Copy !req
470. - I know what you mean.
- All right.Copy !req
471. Just checking, God.
Jesus Christ.Copy !req
472. Yeah, and you're
a fucking moron, by the way.Copy !req
473. You know that?
- I'm a moron?Copy !req
474. Why am I a moron?Copy !req
475. That man is
a brilliant writer.Copy !req
476. And what are you?Copy !req
477. A deadbeat teddy bear
with a drug problem.Copy !req
478. Hey, at least
I have a drug problem.Copy !req
479. Wait, what?
Sorry.Copy !req
480. Fuck.
I'm really fucked up, man.Copy !req
481. Great, well, you know,
maybe then you canCopy !req
482. acknowledge the fact
that you have no ideaCopy !req
483. what you're talking about.Copy !req
484. Look, will you just
shut up and drive?Copy !req
485. You're driving!Copy !req
486. Oh, fuck!Copy !req
487. OK, that was a red light.Copy !req
488. Hey, honey, I'm home.Copy !req
489. Ow!Copy !req
490. I told you to get
the salted crackers.Copy !req
491. Johnny, come on downstairs!Copy !req
492. Oh!Copy !req
493. John, this is Will, the boy
I was telling you about.Copy !req
494. Yo, yo, yo.Copy !req
495. Will's also looking for
something to do on Halloween.Copy !req
496. - Oh.
- John needs a friend tonight.Copy !req
497. He's upset because
his teddy bear's not here.Copy !req
498. That's cool, man.Copy !req
499. Wow, this place
is like a mansion.Copy !req
500. I'm going to go make
you boys some spooky cookies.Copy !req
501. - Oh.
- Boo.Copy !req
502. I'll take a lamb chop, though.Copy !req
503. If you got one,
just get it going.Copy !req
504. I'll take it.Copy !req
505. It's— so what do you wanna do?Copy !req
506. How old are you?Copy !req
507. 38.Copy !req
508. I live with my mom by choice.Copy !req
509. - Uh-huh.
- A little bit about myself.Copy !req
510. I work in quality control
at General Mills.Copy !req
511. I inspect every batch
of breakfast cereal.Copy !req
512. I'm the last line of defense
between your mouthCopy !req
513. and rat feces.Copy !req
514. I— I hope
you're good at your job.Copy !req
515. I'm not.
Stop eating cereal.Copy !req
516. What else is there?Copy !req
517. I own every Steely Dan album.Copy !req
518. I'm an expert dungeon master.Copy !req
519. I dabble in animal husbandry.Copy !req
520. I guess what I'm
trying to say, Johnny,Copy !req
521. is you can have it all.Copy !req
522. You want a Zima?Copy !req
523. A Zi— no, I'm good.Copy !req
524. You want
to look at some porn?Copy !req
525. You got porn?Copy !req
526. Fuck yeah, I got porn.Copy !req
527. Here, check this out.Copy !req
528. These are drawings.Copy !req
529. Yeah.Copy !req
530. This is— this is
porn that you drew.Copy !req
531. Yeah, my mom won't let me
look at the real stuffCopy !req
532. because of the cigarette ads,
so...Copy !req
533. - Why— why are they all—
- Oh, I can't do hands.Copy !req
534. - Oh.
- So...Copy !req
535. You know what
the weirdest part is, man?Copy !req
536. Now when a girl has hands,
I hate it.Copy !req
537. Is that Winona Ryder
fucking Lion-O?Copy !req
538. That is Winona Ryder
fuck— yeah.Copy !req
539. I gave her a ton of bush.Copy !req
540. I doubt she has
that much bush in real life,Copy !req
541. but that's the beauty
of art, right?Copy !req
542. It can be anything
we imagine it to be.Copy !req
543. His dick is a sword.Copy !req
544. You'll never guess
what his sword is.Copy !req
545. - Is it a dick?
- A dick.Copy !req
546. - Yeah.
- It's a dick.Copy !req
547. This one gets me so good.Copy !req
548. Do you ever look
at one that gets you good?Copy !req
549. Not a drawing, but not—Copy !req
550. not before this.Copy !req
551. Then you're not
doing it right.Copy !req
552. - Oh.
- Give them back.Copy !req
553. Oh, I can't fucking
believe you just did that!Copy !req
554. I'm not even halfway done
with payments on this car.Copy !req
555. Jesus, you paid for this car?Copy !req
556. Oh, shut up.
It's a great car.Copy !req
557. Oh, my God, Blaire,
there's a kid in the grill!Copy !req
558. - What?
- I'm just kidding.Copy !req
559. Look at your face.Copy !req
560. Motherfucker!Copy !req
561. Yeah, but see, now real life
ain't so bad, right?Copy !req
562. No, no,
we gotta get this thingCopy !req
563. towed before the cops show up.Copy !req
564. Oh, because
we've been drinking.Copy !req
565. Yes, Isaac Newton, because
we've been fucking drinking.Copy !req
566. Well, wait a minute,
why don't weCopy !req
567. just tell the cops
that we startedCopy !req
568. drinking after we crashed?Copy !req
569. Right, we were so pissed
about the crash,Copy !req
570. that we had nine beers.Copy !req
571. You know,
that's actually a great idea.Copy !req
572. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
573. I think you just
solved drunk driving.Copy !req
574. - I did, didn't I?
- No, you dipshit.Copy !req
575. We gotta go find a phone.Copy !req
576. Well, what'd they say?Copy !req
577. Uh, they said phone
is for employees only.Copy !req
578. Also, get the fuck out
of the kitchen, you drunk.Copy !req
579. - Shit.
- Yeah.Copy !req
580. Here, I stole you an apple pie.Copy !req
581. - Oh, thanks.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
582. Well, you know,
I don't know whyCopy !req
583. I always think
you're not white trashCopy !req
584. like the rest of the family.Copy !req
585. Fuck you.Copy !req
586. Because you are.Copy !req
587. OK, just eat it.Copy !req
588. Careful, McDonald's apple
pies are always a little hot.Copy !req
589. - Oh, Jesus Christ!
- Ah, God!Copy !req
590. - Why the fuck do they do that?
- Ah, God!Copy !req
591. I don't know.Copy !req
592. It's probably cooled off
by now, though.Copy !req
593. Oh, goddammit!Copy !req
594. Oh!Copy !req
595. This fucking goddamn night.Copy !req
596. Maybe we can call a cab.Copy !req
597. I don't have any cash,
and you don't have any pockets.Copy !req
598. We've got to find
a payphone and call home.Copy !req
599. Hello?Copy !req
600. Will you accept
a collect call from this—Copy !req
601. No.Copy !req
602. Shit.Copy !req
603. Oh.Copy !req
604. All right, just let me
think for a second.Copy !req
605. OK, look, we're not
too far from campus.Copy !req
606. Why don't we just walk back
and use Damon's phone?Copy !req
607. That pervert?Copy !req
608. - What?
- Fuck no.Copy !req
609. Why not?
I mean—Copy !req
610. Because he's probably
back there right nowCopy !req
611. boiling the cushion you sat on
to make soup stock.Copy !req
612. Well, you want
to get home in time or not?Copy !req
613. Blaire, I know
you don't see it, OK,Copy !req
614. but I don't trust that guy.Copy !req
615. - Oh, my God.
- I don't trust him.Copy !req
616. I think he's got one thing
on his mind, filthy doings.Copy !req
617. OK, look, I get your concern
for me, or whatever,Copy !req
618. but I'm an adult, OK?Copy !req
619. I can take care of myself.Copy !req
620. Blaire, have you ever
seen an old man penis?Copy !req
621. It's like a melted pint
of coffee ice cream.Copy !req
622. There's a sadness to it,
almost like itCopy !req
623. remembers how it used to look.Copy !req
624. I mean, it looks like—
like it's trying to hide,Copy !req
625. but it's too tired.Copy !req
626. No, no.
You know what it looks like?Copy !req
627. It looks like Bert Lahr
when he tookCopy !req
628. off the Cowardly Lion suit
but he still had the makeup on.Copy !req
629. It's— oh, shit.Copy !req
630. What was the last
one you heard?Copy !req
631. Let's put on our costumes
that we made last night.Copy !req
632. OK.Copy !req
633. You like movies?Copy !req
634. Yeah.Copy !req
635. I got a VHS of rodeo
deaths we could watch.Copy !req
636. Rodeo deaths?Copy !req
637. Yeah.Copy !req
638. You know, there's
something about real death.Copy !req
639. Just like— it just
turns you on, you know?Copy !req
640. Why is that for all of us?Copy !req
641. I— I honestly can't
answer that question.Copy !req
642. I'm totally fucking with you.Copy !req
643. Oh.Copy !req
644. Seriously though,
I do have the tape.Copy !req
645. We could take off our shirts,
just watch it together.Copy !req
646. Yeah, yeah.
Maybe next time.Copy !req
647. I'm fucking with you again.Copy !req
648. Oh, my God.
You were about to do it.Copy !req
649. - No, no, I wasn't.
- You were.Copy !req
650. Your shirt's like,
halfway off already.Copy !req
651. - No, it's fucking not.
- Nah, it could be though.Copy !req
652. We could have it off
if we wanted to.Copy !req
653. You know what's great?
- What?Copy !req
654. - Crack.
- Ah.Copy !req
655. You know how,
like, someone's like,Copy !req
656. oh, I like chocolate cake.Copy !req
657. It's so good, it's like crack.Copy !req
658. This is actually crack.Copy !req
659. Gets a lot of bad press.Copy !req
660. Gotta tell you,
furthest thing from whack.Copy !req
661. Yeah, I'll pass on that.
Thanks.Copy !req
662. Oh.Copy !req
663. Picking up a little bit
of a judgy vibe there.Copy !req
664. Yeah, it's crack.Copy !req
665. Uh, OK.Copy !req
666. I bet you have
some idiosyncrasiesCopy !req
667. I might find a little odd.Copy !req
668. I don't think crack, like,
counts as an idiosyncrasy.Copy !req
669. Can I use your phone?Copy !req
670. Yeah, yeah, there's one
right over there.Copy !req
671. Yeah, so I just want
to sleep in tomorrow,Copy !req
672. so I'm just going to call in
a bomb scare to my office.Copy !req
673. Well, look who's back.Copy !req
674. Us again.Copy !req
675. Hey, is it Halloween
or is it Christmas?Copy !req
676. - Come on in.
- Thank you.Copy !req
677. Phone's still busy.Copy !req
678. What the fuck is
going on over there?Copy !req
679. Johnny's probably freaking
out wondering where I am.Copy !req
680. Professor Damon,
we're so sorryCopy !req
681. to inconvenience you like this.Copy !req
682. Not at all.
I'm happy for the company.Copy !req
683. Say, as long
as I've got you here,Copy !req
684. there's something
I'd like to show you.Copy !req
685. Oh, God.
Here it comes.Copy !req
686. Just stare at the balls.
It'll be better that way.Copy !req
687. It's the opening chapter
of my next book.Copy !req
688. Just finished it yesterday.Copy !req
689. Would you like to read it?Copy !req
690. Oh, my God.
I'd be honored.Copy !req
691. Fabulous.Copy !req
692. Don't let the typos throw you.Copy !req
693. He's a dyslexic narrator.Copy !req
694. Ted, why don't you
and I play someCopy !req
695. billiards while I nervously
await Blaire's verdict?Copy !req
696. Welcome to my billiard room.Copy !req
697. All right, buddy, you and me
got to have a little talk.Copy !req
698. I'd love to.Copy !req
699. How about I freshen
your drink first?Copy !req
700. Fine.Copy !req
701. Whoops.Copy !req
702. Hello, Ted.Copy !req
703. Uh, what— what's
going on there, buddy?Copy !req
704. I want to make love to you.Copy !req
705. Oh.Copy !req
706. I believe forthright honesty
is the only approach when youCopy !req
707. have feelings for somebody.Copy !req
708. I've been waiting all my life
for someone like you.Copy !req
709. Your furry curves,
your boundless whimsy.Copy !req
710. It— it has bounds.Copy !req
711. I've been going
crazy since youCopy !req
712. walked out my door tonight.Copy !req
713. I want us to have illicit
congress together.Copy !req
714. You know,
Blaire is really into you.Copy !req
715. I don't care.Copy !req
716. It's you I want.Copy !req
717. Yeah, I—Copy !req
718. I don't date other bears.Copy !req
719. I don't have to be a bear.Copy !req
720. I could be a pony
if you prefer,Copy !req
721. or a bird with colorful plumage
and a functioning cloaca.Copy !req
722. Yeah, boy, you know,
it just wouldn't work out.Copy !req
723. I don't care what
people would think.Copy !req
724. If I could take you
on my arm to faculty events,Copy !req
725. I wouldn't be embarrassed.Copy !req
726. Yeah, that's not
the holdup for me.Copy !req
727. I see.Copy !req
728. So your answer is no.Copy !req
729. Hey, Professor, do you mind
if I use your bathr—Copy !req
730. Blaire.Copy !req
731. Any thoughts about
the pages you read?Copy !req
732. Great.Copy !req
733. Uh, they— they were great.Copy !req
734. And the homage to Tennyson?Copy !req
735. Did that play it all?Copy !req
736. Uh, fine.Copy !req
737. We'll let ourselves out.Copy !req
738. Hey.Copy !req
739. You know, if we could just
kind of keep this quiet.Copy !req
740. I have a reputation
as a guy who doesn't do this.Copy !req
741. Sure, of course.Copy !req
742. On one condition,
you make BlaireCopy !req
743. your research assistant.Copy !req
744. That's OK, Ted.Copy !req
745. No, no.
No, no, Blaire, no.Copy !req
746. You're wicked smart.
You work hard.Copy !req
747. You deserve it.
- He's right, Blaire.Copy !req
748. You've got a great
analytical mind.Copy !req
749. I'm going to have
to sleep on that.Copy !req
750. Oh, and one more thing,
we're going to need your bike.Copy !req
751. Oh. Hi, Johnny.Copy !req
752. You want to feel
some spooky eyeballs?Copy !req
753. I'm just kidding.Copy !req
754. They're just peeled grapes.Copy !req
755. Oh, I'd never really
hurt anyone, Johnny.Copy !req
756. Mom, I cannot take
this guy anymore.Copy !req
757. What's the matter?Copy !req
758. Will, OK?
He's— he's a freak.Copy !req
759. He's crazy.
Can't you get him to leave?Copy !req
760. Well, he's
your friend, Johnny.Copy !req
761. If you want him to leave,
you'll have to ask him.Copy !req
762. He's not my friend.Copy !req
763. You invited him over.
Plus, he's like 40.Copy !req
764. Well, I'm 47,
and we're friends.Copy !req
765. Yeah, you're my mom.Copy !req
766. Even when you were
still in my gutsCopy !req
767. you used to kick my cervix, but
I knew it was you just saying,Copy !req
768. hi, I can't wait
to come out and be friends.Copy !req
769. Yeah, yeah.
Fine, I'll do it.Copy !req
770. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
771. Oh, my God.Copy !req
772. Oh, no, no, no.Copy !req
773. All right.
- Will?Copy !req
774. You in there?Copy !req
775. Yeah, come on in.Copy !req
776. Oh, I cannot
believe we're takingCopy !req
777. a bath at the same time.Copy !req
778. You know, it's like
we're taking a bath together.Copy !req
779. All right, I got to go.Copy !req
780. But I'll— I'll talk
to you later, Dad.Copy !req
781. I love you.Copy !req
782. I love— ah.Copy !req
783. Didn't get him.Copy !req
784. What the fuck, dude?Copy !req
785. What the fuck what?Copy !req
786. Who just comes over
to somebody's houseCopy !req
787. and gets in their tub?Copy !req
788. Uh, I do.Copy !req
789. It's called making
the most out of life.Copy !req
790. Some people wait for an invite
to the party, I start it.Copy !req
791. I seize the moment, Johnny.Copy !req
792. You see, perfect example,
you've been a drip all night.Copy !req
793. Guess what?
I've had a killer evening.Copy !req
794. You've been all sad.
Why?Copy !req
795. Because your teddy
bear is gone?Copy !req
796. That's not how you do life.Copy !req
797. You got to grab
every chance you canCopy !req
798. to make your own happiness.Copy !req
799. Why is the water black?Copy !req
800. Carpe diem,
Johnny, carpe diem.Copy !req
801. When you see a chance to turn
your day around, grab it!Copy !req
802. All right.Copy !req
803. Now, I'm going to take a hike.Copy !req
804. Hey, you ever need me,Copy !req
805. you scratch
my name into your arm.Copy !req
806. And you'll show up?Copy !req
807. I don't know.Copy !req
808. Never tried it.Copy !req
809. Hi, Matty.Copy !req
810. What do you want?Copy !req
811. Hey, listen, I felt
really bad about ClementineCopy !req
812. giving you that bite.Copy !req
813. And I wanted
to make it up to you.Copy !req
814. Eggs?Copy !req
815. Ostrich eggs.Copy !req
816. Each one is about
24 chicken eggs.Copy !req
817. What the hell am I
supposed to do with these?Copy !req
818. I don't know 24 people.Copy !req
819. Carpe diem,
Johnny, carpe diem.Copy !req
820. When you see a chance to turn
your day around, grab it.Copy !req
821. You know what's great?Copy !req
822. Crack.Copy !req
823. Hey, Dad.Copy !req
824. Hey, nice robot costume.Copy !req
825. Those the boxes
your dad used to move out?Copy !req
826. Hey, who are you?
The Dork Knight?Copy !req
827. I'm Batman!Copy !req
828. Ow!
What the fuck?Copy !req
829. You asshole!Copy !req
830. Hey, hey, who are
you supposed to be?Copy !req
831. Olympic figure
skater Scott Hamilton.Copy !req
832. Oh, man, you're going
to have enough trouble.Copy !req
833. Keep moving.Copy !req
834. Oh, hey, ET!Copy !req
835. Take this,
you Reese's piece of shit.Copy !req
836. Oh, crap.Copy !req
837. What the fuck?Copy !req
838. Oh, my God.Copy !req
839. Is this what we've
been doing to people?Copy !req
840. We were wrong, Johnny.Copy !req
841. We were wrong!Copy !req
842. Hey, listen, man,
I'm really sorry ICopy !req
843. didn't get back in time.Copy !req
844. But you know what?Copy !req
845. I think it was for the best.Copy !req
846. Me too.Copy !req
847. I mean, it was kind
of nice to see if I couldCopy !req
848. actually have fun on my own.Copy !req
849. That sounds healthy,
like growth.Copy !req
850. Yeah, it felt like growth.Copy !req
851. You grew.Copy !req
852. You grew tonight.Copy !req
853. I really did.Copy !req
854. So how was your night?Copy !req
855. I was almost raped
by a professor.Copy !req
856. But now I got a moped,
so it's fine.Copy !req
857. Well, now that
we know for sureCopy !req
858. that we can exist on our own,
let's never do it again.Copy !req
859. Oh, fuck no.
I was dying out there.Copy !req
860. - Do you want to get high?
- Absolutely.Copy !req
861. Wait. No, not yet.Copy !req
862. There's one more thing
I got to do tonight.Copy !req
863. Help me.
- Oh, my God!Copy !req
864. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
865. You scared the shit out of me.Copy !req
866. Got you, motherfucker.Copy !req
867. Oh, damn.Copy !req
868. You know, Blaire, thereCopy !req
869. actually is something I—Copy !req
870. I came here to tell you.Copy !req
871. OK.Copy !req
872. You know, me and Johnny
always think you're like,Copy !req
873. this buzzkill,
but tonight was kind of fun.Copy !req
874. You're kind of fucking fun.Copy !req
875. Well, I got to admit, I—Copy !req
876. I kind of had fun too.Copy !req
877. I mean, the towing
cost me $80, and I stillCopy !req
878. don't have a fucking car,
but for what it's worth,Copy !req
879. I really do appreciate you
trying to look out for me,Copy !req
880. even if you were wrong.Copy !req
881. Oh, by the way,
I got something for you.Copy !req
882. This is for you.Copy !req
883. A McDonald's apple pie?Copy !req
884. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
885. I was saving it,
but it's all yours.Copy !req
886. I've had it in the freezer
for two months,Copy !req
887. so it's probably
cooled off by now.Copy !req
888. - Oh, my God.
- Oh, shit, oh, shit.Copy !req
889. Get a towel.
Get something to cover it.Copy !req
890. - Get a wet towel.
- I am.Copy !req
891. Oh, my God, We're gonna
lose the fucking house!Copy !req
892. We're all going to die!Copy !req
893. Can I help you?Copy !req
894. Hey, I'm Carol's son.Copy !req
895. I just got home from a party.Copy !req
896. My mom told me
to come here and hang outCopy !req
897. with somebody named John.Copy !req
898. Wait, you're Carol's son?Copy !req