ted 1x1

1. In 1985, little John Bennett

2. wished on a shooting star

3. that his teddy bear would come to life.

4. Magically, it happened.

5. Ted was an instant, worldwide phenomenon.

6. But now, it's 1993.

7. And like every phenomenon,

8. eventually, nobody gives a shit.

9. Fuck, it's not working. Here, let me try something,

10. You got to blow on it.

11. That's what I'm doing.

12. No, no, you got to like really blow on it.

13. Here.

14. Wow, you are going to make some guy very happy one day.

15. Fuck off.

16. Try it again with eye contact.

17. Fuck you, man.

18. See if it works.

19. Hey!

20. All right, Mushroom Kingdom.

21. Anybody seen my car keys?

22. Yeah, they were on the floor.

23. Dad stepped on them and got mad.

24. What'd he do with 'em?

25. Think he threw 'em.

26. Shit.

27. Hey, are Mario and Luigi supposed to be midgets?

28. What do you mean?

29. They're wicked short.

30. Like, is it part of their character

31. that they're midgets, or is—

32. Jesus Christ. Seriously?

33. What?

34. Little people.

35. Yeah, that's why I'm asking.

36. Are they supposed to be midgets?

37. You don't say "midget." You say "little people."

38. "Midget" is rude. - Why is it rude?

39. Because it just is. It's a fucked-up word.

40. I mean, how would you like it if you were a little person

41. and someone called you that?

42. Well, I mean, technically—

43. - That's not the same. - Why not?

44. You're a teddy bear.

45. So what? Doesn't matter.

46. Yeah, yeah, you know what? I am a midget.

47. And I will thank you not to tell our community

48. how to use our word.

49. Well done, Teddy.

50. Thank you.

51. Susan, just say it once.

52. - Nope. - Just one time.

53. - No. - She's not going to do it.

54. Come on, just one "fuck."

55. No, she doesn't want to go to hell.

56. Come on, Susan.

57. I can express myself without that kind of language.

58. Thank you. - Come on, we got a bet going.

59. Just one time. - What's the bet?

60. Oh, that Ted can get Mom to swear.

61. Oh, wow, so fucking adult.

62. Hey, we're at dinner.

63. Just say "shit."

64. Shoot.

65. Just give us the finger.

66. There's your finger.

67. Say "Polack."

68. Ted, really?

69. It's not a race. You can say it.

70. Yeah, it's just a bunch of guys.

71. OK, just eat your supper, fellas.

72. She's not going to swear, man.

73. I win. - Ah, fuck.

74. Pay up.

75. Thank you.

76. Wait, you're not wearing pants. Where'd you get this?

77. Don't you worry about where I'm keeping stuff.

78. Matty, honey, that's your fourth beer.

79. Yeah, I had a shit day.

80. Yeah, four is like a Boston one.

81. He's OK.

82. I'm sorry your day was hard, honey.

83. Yeah, well, sorry doesn't fix the car.

84. What happened to the car, Dad?

85. Whole rear fender got smashed.

86. Well, how bad is it?

87. It's going to be at least 400 bucks.

88. - Who hit it? - I didn't see.

89. But I was parked outside the Hong Kong buffet, so...

90. Do the math.

91. I'm sorry, what?

92. I'm just saying.

93. Wow, that is such complete bullshit.

94. Hey, we're at dinner.

95. It's a bullshit stereotype.

96. Tell that to my car.

97. Swear to God,

98. this whole household is so goddamn backward.

99. Ted has used two derogatory terms this afternoon.

100. And then there you go

101. topping it off with that ignorant comment.

102. I said "midget." What was the other one?

103. Yeah, I don't know.

104. You're living in my house with my family,

105. eating our food, and drinking our milk.

106. Tough shit if you don't like it.

107. That's just—that's great.

108. I'm so glad you don't count me

109. as a member of the family, Uncle Matty.

110. Maybe "Polack"?

111. No, couldn't be that. That one's fine.

112. Blaire, you are absolutely a member of this family.

113. Matty, tell her you're sorry.

114. Of course he won't.

115. Because if he did, he'd be admitting I'm right,

116. which would also be admitting he is a classic Boston racist.

117. I'm not a racist!

118. My favorite movie is "Rocky."

119. How the fuck does that make you not racist?

120. Uh, Apollo Creed is in the movie.

121. So?

122. So he's a Black guy who wins against a white guy.

123. Oh, my God.

124. I mean, it's assuming you count Italians as whites,

125. which I mostly do.

126. Of course, they weren't white up until the 1960s.

127. They got a big bump after Korea.

128. And it wasn't so much they got more white,

129. the Cubans got more Black, but I was OK with that too.

130. Isn't this the toast

131. that got you kicked out of Ronny's wedding?

132. Again, I was explaining

133. why it was OK that he married an Italian.

134. Jesus Christ.

135. You are literally proving my point.

136. You are a raging fuckin' racist.

137. Hey, we're at dinner.

138. Well, in fairness, Blaire, you can be racist too.

139. - What? - Mm-hmm.

140. No, I'm not.

141. Do you remember when you were a little girl?

142. You used to cut the hair off your Barbies?

143. Yes?

144. You used to cut the Black Barbie's hair off first

145. to see how it looked.

146. Oh, come on. Are you serious with that?

147. And then if you liked it,

148. then you'd cut the white Barbie's hair.

149. So you're a little racist too, Blaire.

150. Wow, that is weirdly so much more damning

151. than anything else today.

152. And it started when she was very young too.

153. Are you guys for fucking real right now?

154. I mean, that is some sick Nazi doctor shit right there.

155. Did you?

156. What?

157. Did you cut the Black Barbie's hair first?

158. Fine, yes, OK, I cut the Black Barbie's hair, yes.

159. I was eight years old, OK?

160. I didn't fucking know any better.

161. What was the Black Barbie's name?

162. - I don't remember. - Oh, it gets even worse!

163. Oh, my God, she can't remember the Black Barbie's name.

164. But I still love both Barbies equally.

165. - And separately? - Yeah, yeah.

166. What was the water fountain situation like

167. at the Dream House? - Yeah, was there like

168. a special entrance for the Black Barbie?

169. - Look— - Oh.

170. Did you call it the "I Have a Dream House"?

171. - A-ha! - OK, I was a fucking child.

172. All right? At least I have that excuse.

173. You guys are adults.

174. You know what the problem is?

175. Education.

176. There is a complete lack of education in this family.

177. That's not true. I go to school.

178. I'm taking a pottery class.

179. What about Ted? Hmm?

180. He's never had a day of education in his life,

181. and it shows, using words like "Polack."

182. Oh, it was "Polack."

183. The teacher says my ashtray shows promise.

184. You should be going to school every day with John.

185. You'd learn something.

186. And maybe you wouldn't make all these ignorant comments.

187. Uh, yeah, no thanks.

188. Why not?

189. Because.

190. TV.

191. Aunt Suze, help me out.

192. Well, Ted, you might have fun.

193. Mm-hmm.

194. And I'm sure John would love to have you there.

195. No, no, I would not have fun.

196. And "The Price is Right" is on at 10:00 a.m.

197. and I'd miss Plinko

198. and Johnny respects me too much to want me to do that.

199. I do. I respect him.

200. He tells me all about Plinko when I get home.

201. That is such a cop-out.

202. Look, I guard the house when you guys are out.

203. You do not.

204. - Yeah, I do. - How?

205. If somebody broke in, what would you do?

206. I—I would tell him all the good stuff's in the backyard

207. and then I'd lock the door behind him.

208. This is pointless. I have plans with Sarah.

209. Oh, Plinko was wonderful today.

210. Plinko is the best "Price is Right" game.

211. It is.

212. We live in such special times.

213. $1,000 total thus far.

214. - Oh, God. - Third one is...

215. Oh, God.

216. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,

217. fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

218. Yes! Ah! Oh, my God!

219. I want to tell somebody.

220. No, it's OK. It's all right.

221. This will be my moment.

222. All right, another day with the house to myself.

223. What's fun? What's fun? What's fun? What's fun?

224. Oh, let's see if we can find where Matty hides his porn.

225. Jesus, he's got nothing?

226. 25 years of marriage and no porn,

227. I'd put a bullet in my head.

228. Oh, here we go.

229. Oh, talk about the right to bear arms.

230. Bear arms bearing arms, right?

231. Oh, man, everybody's missing all this great stuff.

232. Oh, wait. Oh, I know what to do with this.

233. Awesome!

234. Oh, I am so glad I tried this at home.

235. What the hell was that?

236. Oh, it's OK, Mrs. Fechko.

237. I'm just doing a science experiment.

238. Is that a gun?

239. I mean, that's one function of it, yeah.

240. Well, what are you shooting at?

241. Nothing.

242. Are you sure?

243. Yeah.

244. All right.

245. Oops!

246. Ah, fuck.

247. The Russian boxer has all this technology, right?

248. But Rocky's way up in the mountains.

249. And all he's got is, like, logs and shit.

250. So it's wicked uneven because the Russians

251. have machines for, like, every part of Drago's body.

252. But you know what part they don't have a machine for?

253. This guy, right here.

254. Aw, you should have seen it.

255. I'm sure I still can. It sounds like they filmed it.

256. I don't know how we started talking about abortion

257. and ended up here.

258. I don't have to pick you up tomorrow, right?

259. No, I got the rental.

260. What the fuck?

261. Aw.

262. Oh. Hey, Matty. Hey, Blaire.

263. What the fuck is this?

264. Oh, this is Cupcake, Peaches,

265. and Beef Stroganoff.

266. Hi.

267. What happened to the TV?

268. Oh, I accidentally shot it.

269. You shot it?

270. Yeah, and I felt really bad about it.

271. And then I was like, "Hey, Ted, it was an accident.

272. "Stop being so hard on yourself.

273. "It's bad enough that it happened.

274. You feeling bad's not going to fix it."

275. So I called these ladies

276. because I was trying to make myself feel better.

277. And I do. I feel better.

278. See, this is the kind of shit

279. that wouldn't happen if he was in school.

280. Wait, what?

281. You're going to school.

282. Wait, hang on. That is a serious overreaction.

283. You're going to school,

284. and you're going to grow a fucking brain!

285. Oh, come on!

286. I think brains are sexy.

287. Shut up, Beef.

288. Hey, Johnny, you awake?

289. Yeah.

290. I was just jerking off.

291. What?

292. Relax, I'm fucking with you.

293. Holy Jesus.

294. Wait, you're— you don't do that

295. when I'm in the room, right?

296. No.

297. Not usually. I mean, if you're asleep.

298. Oh, shit, that's why I had the Spanish galleon dream.

299. What?

300. I had a dream the other night

301. that I was rowing on a Spanish slave ship.

302. And the guy on the drums was pounding faster and faster.

303. And so I escaped by jumping out a window,

304. and I swam to a desert island.

305. And when I came ashore,

306. there you were jerking off.

307. That's probably why I had that dream.

308. OK, goodnight.

309. Johnny, how bad is school going to suck?

310. You're not going to like it.

311. How bad?

312. You ever drink orange juice after brushing your teeth?

313. Yeah.

314. Well, it's like

315. getting your nuts smashed together so hard,

316. they become just one nut.

317. Holy shit. And that's every day?

318. That's every single day.

319. But if you die in a drunk driving accident,

320. you get a whole page in the yearbook.

321. Not quite "Goodnight Moon,"

322. but I'll see you in the morning.

323. This sucks.

324. We got to lug these things around all day?

325. Yeah, pretty much.

326. - We look stupid. - Nah, we're fine.

327. We look like suicide bombers having second thoughts.

328. Shut the fuck up.

329. You can't joke about bombs here.

330. Now let me ask you something.

331. You ever get self-conscious

332. being the only white guy at your school?

333. I dunno, we live in a Boston suburb.

334. Oh, last year, we had an Indian kid.

335. Oh, yeah?

336. Yeah, but they got him.

337. What does that mean?

338. I liked him too.

339. What do you mean "they got him"?

340. He used to share his Dunkaroos.

341. Good guy. - Fuck this, Johnny.

342. You know what? I'm going to get expelled.

343. For what?

344. I don't know yet. I'll come up with something.

345. Wait, you're going to try and get kicked out?

346. It's the only way. I'm missing "Card Sharks."

347. Dude, look.

348. There she is.

349. What?

350. Look.

351. Holy shit, who is that?

352. Bethany's sister.

353. She goes to Emerson. Hottest chick on the planet.

354. Jesus, what's her name?

355. Sheila.

356. - What? No. - Yep.

357. - Sheila? - Uh-huh.

358. What the fuck kind of malevolent God would do that?

359. Yeah, it's like her parents knew she was going to be hot,

360. and they wanted to level the field.

361. Think fast, Bennett!

362. - Nice!

363. - Fuck. - Hey, dork.

364. What the fuck you got here?

365. You're bringing your dolls to school?

366. Hey, fuck you, Clive.

367. Oh, God, you motherfucker.

368. - Who the hell is this guy? - This is Clive.

369. Nice teddy bear, Bennett.

370. You got your blankie too? Ooh.

371. You must be going full gay on us, huh?

372. I always knew you were a big queer.

373. You know, I don't want to speculate on who's gay,

374. but didn't you just touch his penis twice?

375. Hey, listen, man, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

376. It's the '90s. Times are changing.

377. Hey, anybody else here gay?

378. How is it?

379. - It's great. - It's the fucking tits.

380. See? There you go. The reviews are in.

381. You're still a fucking dork.

382. - Hey, what a dorko.

383. Let's go.

384. Hey, you know what, Teddy?

385. I think I'm really glad you're here.

386. Yeah, thanks.

387. I'm still going to get kicked out.

388. I know.

389. From 1814 to 1815, following the writing

390. of "Childe Harold's Pilgrimage,"

391. Lord Byron was the toast of Regency London.

392. During this period, he wrote "The Siege of Corinth,"

393. "The Bride of Abydos," and what else?

394. - Amanda. - "Terracina."

395. Yes. Someone did the homework.

396. Very good.

397. I think this guy's lost 40 hairs since class started.

398. It's weird, right?

399. It's like they're not falling out.

400. They're jumping out.

401. - Ted. - Yes?

402. Can you complete this verse?

403. "She walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes

404. "and starry skies.

405. And all that's best of dark and bright..."

406. Your wife is fucking other guys.

407. You think you're funny, but you know what?

408. Joke's on you, smart guy,

409. because my wife and I are having problems.

410. - Oh. - Yeah.

411. I'm sorry to hear that.

412. Oh, thank you.

413. Um, my wife had an affair last year.

414. And we've both tried to recover,

415. but fact is, neither one of us has been able to forget it.

416. So I come in here every day acting like my life is great

417. when, in reality, it's a train wreck.

418. My own son doesn't respect his father,

419. so joke's on you, funny man.

420. Not really quite sure how the joke's on me,

421. but— - Who's laughing now?

422. I mean, I think I still am, but—

423. Life comes with a lot of pain, kids.

424. So better you learn that right now

425. and develop some nice, hard calluses over your feelings.

426. My daughter is having a pregnancy scare.

427. Anyone want to talk about that?

428. Well, we're gonna talk about it!

429. Her last period was five weeks ago!

430. I know this because

431. I'm the only one in the house who buys tampons.

432. Yeah, I don't think you're going to break Mr. George.

433. He's already too messed up.

434. Yeah, I see that.

435. So what are you going to do?

436. How are you going to get kicked out?

437. Better put some more franks on.

438. All right.

439. I'm the king of the wieners!

440. Ted Bennett, please report to the principal's office.

441. Well, don't mind if I do.

442. Ted, do you know where my last job was?

443. Um, were you on "Night Court"?

444. No.

445. I was principal at Dorchester High.

446. Oh, shit.

447. Wait, isn't their mascot just a guy with a knife?

448. Technically, Stabbers was a pirate.

449. But yes, it was a little rough.

450. I heard there was one girl there

451. who was only eight years older than her own granddaughter.

452. I'm afraid that's true.

453. Well, how'd that work?

454. Oh, it involved the International Date Line.

455. But the point is

456. I watched a lot of students stumble

457. and drift through the system to come out on the other side

458. without any real education.

459. Some of them did what you're doing—

460. testing the boundaries, rebelling,

461. hoping to get cut loose.

462. OK.

463. Well, I'm not going to let the same thing happen here.

464. Love that. Don't like where this is going.

465. You're going to be an example.

466. I'm not going to suspend you or anything else.

467. We are going to make a successful student out of you.

468. Now hang on a second—

469. And you're the perfect choice.

470. So if you want to act up again, just know if you do,

471. it's not going to change your situation.

472. Oh, man, are you sure I'm the right guy?

473. There's a fat kid who likes to touch dicks.

474. You're late for class.

475. Maybe I could just tell Matty to go fuck himself.

476. No way, dude, my dad's a sadist.

477. He thought Vietnam was fun.

478. Jesus, really?

479. Yeah, he cried when the helicopters came

480. to pick him up.

481. You don't want to piss him off, man.

482. He'll kick you out of the house.

483. You'll starve.

484. What the hell kind of fucked-up wish

485. makes it so your teddy bear comes to life,

486. but he's still got to eat?

487. Oh, man, there she is.

488. Yeah, we got practice in a half hour.

489. Did you see that?

490. - What? - That was a joint.

491. Oh, shit.

492. Teddy, that's your ticket out of here.

493. What? What do you mean?

494. You get caught with drugs in school, you're gone.

495. It's like zero tolerance here.

496. Oh, fuck, wow.

497. Hey, you ever smoked weed?

498. - No. - Yeah, me neither.

499. Really? The whole time you were famous?

500. Yeah, I was afraid my fur would catch on fire.

501. I got no flame retardant.

502. All right, well, anyway, you don't got to smoke it.

503. You just got to get caught with it.

504. Well, fuck, let's go talk to her.

505. You fucking kidding me?

506. I'm not going to talk to Sheila Borgwat.

507. Borgwat? Fucking God, it just keeps getting worse.

508. No way, man. No, no. I'm not going over there.

509. Come on, Johnny, you're not asking her out.

510. You're just asking her for drugs.

511. You said you stare at her every day.

512. This is the perfect excuse to go talk to her.

513. No, man. I got you this far, you do it.

514. If you don't come with me,

515. I will tell her you masturbate to network television.

516. You motherfucker.

517. I will tell her you watch "Full House"

518. so you can jerk off to Lori Loughlin,

519. but that you can't always predict how long the scene is,

520. so half the time, you ejaculate to an establishing shot.

521. You wouldn't.

522. Oh, Lori, oh, Lori!

523. Oh, Lor—oh, fuck, a tasteful duplex.

524. Excuse me.

525. Hi. Uh, hi, I'm uh—

526. I'm John Bennett.

527. Hi there.

528. Ooh, you just, uh, wash your hands?

529. Uh, yeah, just when I— you know, a while ago, not now.

530. I had diarrhea.

531. Hi, I'm Ted.

532. I'm Sheila.

533. Oh, let's not ruin things.

534. Hey, listen, we couldn't help but notice

535. you were smoking a little pot.

536. Yeah, midterms, you know?

537. What, are you going to narc on me?

538. - Oh, we're not judging. - No, absolutely not.

539. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

540. Teddy and I often partake of...

541. el bowl.

542. And the pot inside it, uh...

543. cha-cha-cha.

544. It wasn't much diarrhea.

545. Can we have drugs, please?

546. Sorry?

547. We're just— we're looking to get some weed.

548. We thought maybe you could help us out.

549. Yeah, uh, how old are you again?

550. 161/2.

551. Oof.

552. Yeah, sorry, bro, that's not going to happen.

553. It's not for him. It's for me.

554. Look, I get why you can't give a high school kid pot.

555. But talking teddy bears are all good, right?

556. We all take drugs.

557. The fucking Care Bears are all meth addicts,

558. Paddington's on Quaaludes, and Fozzie's a cokehead.

559. You know he was in the room when John Belushi died?

560. Look, I can't help you guys out.

561. But if you want, I can hook you up with my connection.

562. Oh, that would be wonderful.

563. And might I say, you are a very beautiful woman, Shelly—

564. Sheila.

565. Oh, God, I know.

566. All right, this is it.

567. All right, this is my allowance for the month.

568. If Dad asks where it went,

569. we bought tickets to see "Schindler's List."

570. What do you mean? That's only like 8 bucks.

571. Shit, you're right.

572. Well, what did we do with the rest?

573. Uh, we were so moved that we donated it to Jew causes.

574. That is so nice of us.

575. Maybe we should actually do that.

576. What, are you fucking crazy?

577. Get your head in the game. We got drugs to buy.

578. Shit, sorry.

579. Just be careful in there, OK?

580. I hear some of these dealers can be sketchy.

581. Just don't get shot, buddy.

582. Will you relax? I'll be fine. I'll see you in a few.

583. Hi, I'm here for the weed—

584. No fucking way.

585. Ted, what the hell are you doing here?

586. - It's you? - Who gave you this address?

587. Fucking Blaire sells pot?

588. Jesus Christ. Lower your voice.

589. Get inside.

590. Oh, un-fucking believable.

591. The fuck do you want?

592. Wait, so I can't say midget, but you can sell drugs?

593. What's with all the noise?

594. Who's this?

595. This is Ted.

596. Ted, this is my friend, Sarah.

597. Oh, yeah. Blaire mentioned you.

598. You're that teddy bear that came to life back in the '80s.

599. Well, yeah, but I've done other stuff since then.

600. Like what?

601. Um, I was the stand-in for Ben Stiller in "Fresh Horses."

602. Oh.

603. Not a tall man.

604. Um, hey, how come you're selling weed anyway?

605. Sarah and I grow it here in her apartment,

606. and we're using the money to help pay for tuition.

607. Ted, listen to me.

608. You cannot tell Uncle Matty and Aunt Suze, all right?

609. They will kick me out of the fucking house.

610. It's hard enough to pay for school.

611. I can't afford a higher rent too.

612. Wait. Matty charges you rent?

613. Not as much as I pay for an apartment,

614. but still, 200 bucks a month.

615. For that crappy room over the garage?

616. Jesus, Anne Frank wouldn't be caught dead in that place.

617. I'm allowed to make that joke.

618. Johnny and I donate to Jew causes.

619. OK, well, I still need the room,

620. so you cannot say a fucking word.

621. Hey, look, man, I'm not here to bust anybody.

622. I just want the ganja.

623. You've never smoked before, have you?

624. What are you— what are you talking about?

625. Yeah, I have. I do lots of drugs.

626. Yeah? Like what?

627. I'm on coke right now. See?

628. Grr! Oh, I'm so coked up I just wanna write a novel

629. and punch everything!

630. Ow! Ow!

631. Ah, just kidding.

632. Doesn't hurt 'cause on account of the coke.

633. Bullshit.

634. I don't know what I'm talking about.

635. Please, can I have marijuana?

636. Fine. You got cash?

637. No. Wait. Sarah, we're— we're not selling him pot.

638. - Why not? - Yeah, why not?

639. Uh, are you fucking high already?

640. Your best friend, my little cousin,

641. is 16 years old.

642. I'm not gonna enable him.

643. Well, I'm not either.

644. I'm not even gonna tell him I have it.

645. It's for me, Blaire. I swear to God.

646. When have I ever lied to you?

647. Like ten seconds ago when you said you were on coke.

648. Well, yeah. But since then, I've given it to you straight.

649. Look, Blaire. We need the money.

650. Why not just do it?

651. That's right, Blaire.

652. You need the money, I need this.

653. Look, do you have any idea what it's like

654. to be the biggest star in the world

655. and then nobody gives a shit about you?

656. I'm friggin' Kirk Cameron.

657. I gotta escape my demons,

658. and it's either drugs or the church.

659. You know what they do to guys my size?

660. Oh, please, don't make me suck a deacon's dick!

661. We should smoke it.

662. Wait, what?

663. Johnny, this is my ticket out of school.

664. Yeah, I know. I mean, not—not all of it.

665. Just, you know, we smoke some and save some for the plan.

666. Well, Johnny, I—I promised Blaire it was just for me.

667. Teddy, think about it, all right?

668. I bet I'm the only kid in school who hasn't smoked.

669. I haven't smoked. I haven't had sex.

670. I haven't had a girlfriend.

671. Clive's right. I'm a fucking loser.

672. I mean, you're like my only real friend,

673. and we're sitting here with real pot.

674. It's here in person.

675. This could be the day I start being cool.

676. Yeah, today is the day you told a girl you had diarrhea.

677. Don't put too much weight on today.

678. Wait. Hang on, hang on. - What?

679. Well, you and me have been best friends

680. like our whole lives.

681. We're about to get high together for the first time.

682. Yeah, so?

683. Let's do this right.

684. Should we say grace?

685. Oh, yeah, good idea.

686. Hello, God.

687. It's me, Ted, one of your weirder creations.

688. Sorry about what I said today.

689. Not that your deacons aren't attractive,

690. but I'm saving my mouth for marriage.

691. Let us not be so high that we have to call an ambulance.

692. Amen.

693. OK.

694. Let there be light.

695. Yeah.

696. Hell yeah, man.

697. I was so fucking hungry.

698. - I was so hungry too. - Mm-hmm.

699. It's so weird.

700. You know, this is like the perfect food

701. for the perfect night.

702. Yeah, like who invented food? That guy rocks.

703. Well, if I knew you guys were going to get so gussied up,

704. I would have made something fancier.

705. No, Mom. This is perfect.

706. These are perfect Steak-Umms.

707. The perfect Steak-Umm.

708. It's right here. Just—just feel it.

709. I can feel your love in this, Ma.

710. I'm so happy you love it so much.

711. Jesus, you guys are acting like

712. it's today's special at Legal Sea Food.

713. It's fine.

714. I think it's delicious, Suze.

715. Can you guys believe

716. that we're just, like, we're sitting here,

717. and we're, like, having an experience

718. and experiencing reality all at once.

719. Hey, Susan.

720. Susan, I just wanna say you have found your haircut.

721. What, you think so?

722. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

723. You could ride this to 70, and you'd be fine.

724. Well, I just took a picture of Tipper Gore into the salon,

725. and I said, now, I know it can't be like that,

726. but try to get it as close as you can.

727. And so well, uh—

728. Tipper Gore should bring in a picture of you.

729. Stop it.

730. This night.

731. Is there a fucking gas leak or something?

732. It's funny.

733. I ate all those Steak-Umms, and I'm still hungry.

734. Oh, fuck. These are so good.

735. So good.

736. And look at the intricate carvings.

737. Yeah.

738. Yeah, is this some Illuminati shit?

739. That's what I've heard.

740. Like, if you can decipher what's on an Oreo,

741. you can know the mind of God.

742. I heard no two Oreos are alike.

743. Hey.

744. What a great conversation.

745. I fucking knew it.

746. - Oh, shit! - Hi, Blaire.

747. You guys are stoned.

748. Look, Blaire, Blaire, it's a little more complicated.

749. No, you fucking swore it was just for you.

750. All right. OK.

751. I didn't wanna have to resort to this.

752. I love you.

753. See? Now you're not mad at me anymore.

754. And fuck you, by the way.

755. I've been trying for two weeks

756. to get Susan to fix that haircut.

757. Blaire, listen. It's my fault.

758. He tried to say no, and I pressured him.

759. No, no, no. You're 16, all right?

760. He's a talking teddy bear. It's his fucking fault.

761. OK, look, look, look. I think if we all just take

762. a couple of deep breaths here and just try—

763. Fuck!

764. Ted?

765. Come on, where the hell are you? I just want to talk.

766. Yeah, bullshit!

767. How the hell did you get up there?

768. Climbed the drainpipe.

769. OK, well, why don't you come on down here

770. and we can discuss the situation?

771. No, 'cause you're gonna come at me.

772. I-I'm not. I promise.

773. It wasn't my fault.

774. Oh, my God, your boy, he's on the roof!

775. It's all right, Mrs. Fechko.

776. I'll call the fire department!

777. That's really not necessary.

778. But your son, he's gonna fall!

779. He's not.

780. Yeah, there's a lot here

781. you're not understanding, Mrs. Fechhko.

782. For God's sake, you've been listening to the news?

783. Eisenhower says we all gotta stay inside!

784. Oh, my God!

785. - Ted, get down here, OK?

786. I'm not gonna talk to you like this.

787. Yeah, well, tough shit.

788. I'm gonna live up here from now on.

789. That's insane. You're insane.

790. No, I'm not.

791. I'll get Johnny to bring me food and maybe even soil

792. so I can grow crops right here in the rain gutter.

793. And if the weather's temperate, by harvest season,

794. I'll be able to—

795. Fuck!

796. OK, you little shit, you are in a lot of trouble.

797. Look, it was—

798. You gave pot to a 16-year-old.

799. I mean, what the fuck were you thinking?

800. Well, on the bright side, he loved it.

801. I sold that pot to you.

802. Yeah, you were wrong to do that.

803. You do realize I am now responsible

804. for introducing drugs to my underage cousin?

805. I could be in really deep shit here.

806. Boy, it must be cool being this tall all the time.

807. Get rid of that weed or so help me God,

808. you are going in the fucking dryer.

809. Oh, big deal. I've been in dryers.

810. I'll put you in a Matty load.

811. OK, fuck. I'll do it. I'll do it.

812. OK. So we plant the weed in my locker.

813. Then you go to the principal and rat me out.

814. She searches my locker, and boom, it's back to Plinko.

815. - All right. - Not yet, not yet.

816. We gotta wait till the bell rings.

817. - Yeah, sorry. - Just act normal.

818. Right now, we're just two guys

819. standing here, having a conversation.

820. Yeah.

821. About what?

822. I don't know. Uh, what's the last movie you saw?

823. - Uh, "Alive." - Which one's that?

824. Oh, it's the one where the rugby team crashes

825. in the Andes in the '70s and they ran out of food,

826. so they had to eat each other.

827. - You're kidding. - No, it's a true story.

828. Like—like, eat each other alive like they're trading?

829. Like, you give me your hand, I give you my foot?

830. No, no.

831. It's like some of the guys died in the crash,

832. and then the ones that survived had to eat the dead guys.

833. Oh, man. Yeah, I—I couldn't do that.

834. Me neither, man.

835. Plus, it's all dudes, so it's even worse.

836. Yeah—what?

837. It's all dudes, you know?

838. You're eating guys. It's like double gross.

839. Well, I mean—I mean,

840. I would think it would be objectionable across the board.

841. No, no. Yeah, it would. It's just like a hat on a hat.

842. So if you were on a plane that crashed

843. and Tom Hanks and Diane Keaton were on it too,

844. and they died and you survived,

845. who would you eat first?

846. Am I the only other person on the plane?

847. - Yeah. - What about the pilots?

848. It's an experimental aircraft, all automated.

849. Well, maybe that's why it went down.

850. But the technology still needed more study, yes,

851. but the Pentagon was getting impatient

852. and they wanted results, so they pushed up the launch.

853. Wait, why wouldn't they have a seasoned flight crew on board

854. instead of two actors?

855. Oscar-winning actors.

856. - Fair enough. - These are taxpayer dollars.

857. They need the public's interest

858. or support for the funding dries up.

859. Wait, since when does the military need public support

860. to fund experimental aircraft?

861. Would you eat Tom Hanks or Diane Keaton?

862. I'd start with Diane

863. and then if I didn't get rescued,

864. I'd move on to Tom.

865. Yeah, see?

866. I think it's weird that you have an opinion

867. one way or the other.

868. OK. Here we go. Let me have it.

869. Man, we really put a dent in this thing, didn't we?

870. Whoa. What have we got here?

871. Oh, shit.

872. Bennett, you partake?

873. Give it back, Clive.

874. John Bennett gets high.

875. Maybe you're not as much of a pussy as I thought.

876. That is a very important bag of weed.

877. Now, I know where to get a free buzz.

878. Thanks, Bud.

879. - God damn it, Clive.

880. We need that weed!

881. Teddy!

882. - Shit. - Teddy, are you OK?

883. What the hell are you two doing out here?

884. Get to class now.

885. Um, "227" sucks balls and so do you.

886. OK, now, you know I didn't mean that.

887. I just needed a reason to be dragged in here.

888. Look, you can trash-talk me, Ted,

889. but nobody throws shade at Pearl Shay.

890. Yes. I apologize.

891. We have all benefited from her windowsill wisdom.

892. She is a national treasure.

893. But listen, you gotta kick me out of school.

894. Ted, I already told you.

895. I have weed.

896. What?

897. I am in possession of marijuana

898. here on school premises.

899. May I see it?

900. Well, I—I lost it.

901. You lost it?

902. Yeah, but—but he had weed, all right?

903. I'm a witness.

904. I would need to see the marijuana

905. for there to be consequences.

906. Look, we are telling you the truth.

907. Yeah, I'm a bad seed. See? Look.

908. I love you.

909. Drugs!

910. I love drugs.

911. I'm sorry, boys.

912. I can't just take your word that you have pot.

913. Ah, this is bullshit, man. I'm getting railroaded.

914. All right, look, Clive has it, all right?

915. Go check. - Clive?

916. Yeah.

917. Well then, if Clive has it, he's the one in trouble.

918. No, no. It's not his weed. He was just holding it for me.

919. OK. We're done here.

920. All right. It's OK.

921. This motherfucking bear's got a backup plan.

922. All right, it's clear.

923. Teddy, I don't like this. It's stealing.

924. What am I supposed to do? Just ask her for it?

925. She'll shove me in the dryer with Matty's clothes.

926. Well, how bad could that be?

927. Matty changed his pants during dinner.

928. Yeah, that's bad.

929. All right, let's find it.

930. - Jesus. - What?

931. There's a whole drawer here that's just cans of tuna.

932. How sad.

933. Wait. Wait.

934. Oh, fuck yeah.

935. - You found it? - Jackpot.

936. Great. Let's go.

937. Fuck. - Shit.

938. Let's go in here.

939. All the way over and dances.

940. Hang on a sec.

941. I think I have a pack around here somewhere.

942. Oh, thank you so much.

943. The CVS only had the men's razors,

944. and I think those are only for faces.

945. - There you go. - Thank you.

946. You know, it's the '90s, Aunt Suze.

947. You can go without shaving your legs if you want.

948. Oh.

949. When I was in high school,

950. I used to forget sometimes and I'd get made fun of.

951. Oh, really? I hate that.

952. It's probably why I'm so self-conscious about it.

953. Can I ask you something?

954. Yeah, sure. Anything.

955. One of the girls who used to make fun of me,

956. her name was Margie Cronin.

957. She used to call me Sasquatch.

958. She was so mean to me in school,

959. and afterward, we didn't see each other for a long time.

960. And then about a year ago,

961. I saw in the flatware department at Bradley's.

962. And I saw that she'd lost a hand.

963. And I was so happy about it.

964. Does it make me a terrible person?

965. I don't—I don't think so.

966. Because I felt so awful about my feelings.

967. And I went to confession and Father O'Neill said,

968. "Well, God wouldn't approve of that."

969. Maybe this Christmas I should make her a mitten.

970. Uh, maybe.

971. With a pretty, little card that says,

972. "I'm sorry for your hand."

973. I would just let that one lie.

974. What was that noise?

975. I think someone's in the closet.

976. - W-w-what's that? - It's Mace.

977. Just be careful.

978. Fuck! - What the fuck?

979. Oh, it burns!

980. Why the fuck do you have Mace?

981. Why the fuck are you in my closet?

982. What, do you protect your tuna collection with that?

983. Answer the question.

984. Why do you have the fucking tuna?

985. Are you scared to eat our food? What is it?

986. Answer my question.

987. - Teddy! Teddy, where are you?

988. Oh, my God.

989. Uh, is that mary-ja-wana?

990. Oh, shit.

991. What are you doing with drugs?

992. Aunt Suze.

993. This is my fault.

994. We opened our home to you.

995. We let you stay here in our house

996. so you could go to that goddamn school.

997. I know, Uncle Matty. And believe me, I am so sorry.

998. And you pay us back by dealing drugs to our son?

999. I never wanted John to get involved, I promise you.

1000. I sold the pot to Ted.

1001. I never should have let Johnny try it.

1002. I have failed in my role as a—a—

1003. a sort of Jiminy Cricket figure.

1004. I don't know what the big deal is.

1005. You know, weed's gonna be legal in like a year anyway.

1006. It's a gateway drug! They talk about it on the news!

1007. Well, what are we supposed to do?

1008. Start with heroin?

1009. Well, why in God's name are you dealing drugs at all?

1010. My friend, Sarah and I, we grow it in her apartment,

1011. and we're using the money to help pay for tuition.

1012. Well, you—you can't work at McDonald's?

1013. It's 15k a year, Matty.

1014. I'd have to sell myself at McDonald's.

1015. Oh, you could call it Filet-O-Flesh.

1016. Is that something?

1017. She won't even work, and here we are

1018. putting her up out of the goodness of our hearts!

1019. Egg McFuckin', maybe?

1020. The goodness of your hearts and a monthly rent check.

1021. A Quarter To Pound Her?

1022. I—should I stop? I feel like there's no traction here.

1023. Matty?

1024. You're charging her rent?

1025. Yes, I am.

1026. This is my house. I got the right to charge rent.

1027. But, Matty, she's family.

1028. - Susan. - She's our niece.

1029. Susan, will you be quiet and let me handle this?

1030. Hey, don't talk to her like that.

1031. Excuse me?

1032. You do this all the time.

1033. You silence her voice, you belittle her,

1034. you cut her down, you treat her like shit.

1035. I do not.

1036. I love my fucking wife, and she knows it.

1037. Don't you, Susan?

1038. I can't believe you'd make her pay rent.

1039. Hey, hey, hey, I'm not the one in the hot seat here.

1040. She's a drug dealer, and I want her out of this house tonight.

1041. Matty, please.

1042. End of discussion! Tonight!

1043. Come on. Wait.

1044. Christie! That was the Black Barbie's name.

1045. Hey, Blaire, uh, can we talk to you for a sec?

1046. Sure.

1047. Got a couple minutes before I become homeless.

1048. Hey, listen, Blaire. Uh, I'm really sorry.

1049. Me too.

1050. Yeah, well, it's a little late for that.

1051. We didn't want you to have to leave.

1052. Even if your bed is the size of a pool table.

1053. I mean, that's probably about

1054. the size of a pool table, right?

1055. Shut the fuck up, Teddy.

1056. Look, we know you're mad because Dad gave you the boot.

1057. But— - Yeah, that's not why I'm mad.

1058. You have no idea why I'm mad.

1059. Do you know all the details of why I've been living here

1060. when my own family lives 45 minutes away?

1061. I could easily commute to school,

1062. but my family is fucked, every one of them.

1063. In case you don't get the scope of things,

1064. my dad, your Uncle Bernie, is a drunk and an asshole,

1065. my mom's a psycho lunatic, and my brother's in prison.

1066. Jesus. What about your dog?

1067. Dead.

1068. Fuck.

1069. Mom and Dad are lost causes, but...

1070. I tried so hard to protect Kevin.

1071. And I couldn't.

1072. He's his parents' son, so now he's serving ten years

1073. for robbing a Mrs. Fields at gunpoint

1074. and possession of crack.

1075. Well, I mean, Mrs. Fields and crack.

1076. It's like what's the difference, right?

1077. Please, continue.

1078. Look, I just—

1079. I don't want the same thing to happen to you.

1080. And when I moved here, I told myself

1081. that I was gonna look after you

1082. and make sure the fucked up Bennett DNA

1083. didn't get to you too.

1084. And instead, I introduced you

1085. to the wonderful world of drugs.

1086. I'm not mad at you, all right? I'm mad at myself.

1087. Look, Blaire, I—

1088. I never expected you to look out for me like that.

1089. Just take care of yourself, all right?

1090. Our family is poison.

1091. Do better than them.

1092. Where you gonna go?

1093. Stay with Sarah for a few weeks.

1094. There's an open spot near the sativa.

1095. But after that, I don't know.

1096. See you.

1097. God, Lori Loughlin's fucking gorgeous.

1098. That woman can do no wrong.

1099. Hey, don't start jerking off.

1100. Hey, that poster is not for jerking off.

1101. It's for imagining being married, you sick fuck.

1102. - Wow. - Yeah!

1103. You—you've imagined the wedding?

1104. Well, yeah.

1105. The cover of "People" magazine's a photo of us,

1106. and it says, "Who's Loughlin now?"

1107. So you took her name?

1108. No, no. But they need to sell copies.

1109. Well, it's good to know you can be both erect

1110. and market-savvy.

1111. Teddy, this whole Blaire situation

1112. is really shitty.

1113. Yeah, I know.

1114. I mean, I never knew she thought of me that way.

1115. It's like a little brother.

1116. I always wanted a brother or a sister,

1117. and there she was, right there all along.

1118. Yeah.

1119. I guess under all that complaining about racism,

1120. there's actually a good person in there.

1121. Teddy, we gotta do something. I mean, this is our fault.

1122. Like, maybe I can talk to Dad, get him to change his mind.

1123. Yeah, good luck. He's never gonna listen.

1124. I mean, we can't just lay here

1125. and let her get fucked over.

1126. There's gotta be something we can do.

1127. Wait a minute. You know what?

1128. There is.

1129. We are gonna open the box.

1130. There you go. I'll be right outside.

1131. Just let me know when you're finished.

1132. - Thank you. - Thanks.

1133. Did you know that

1134. textile polymers are so thin nowadays that someone could be

1135. wearing an adult diaper and no one would even know it?

1136. What?

1137. No bulky padding,

1138. no unsightly bulges in the trousers.

1139. I—I didn't know that. No.

1140. It's amazing.

1141. A person, anyone could be talking to you

1142. and relieving themselves at the same time.

1143. And you'd never even know it.

1144. OK.

1145. And that's great news.

1146. Are you wearing a diaper?

1147. No. Don't make this weird.

1148. OK.

1149. I'm just saying

1150. the technology has come so far

1151. that limits practically don't exist.

1152. It's all about confidence.

1153. So take that long car ride,

1154. climb that mountain, have that iced tea refill.

1155. We—we will.

1156. What limits?

1157. Jesus, we gotta switch banks.

1158. Yeah, seriously.

1159. Here it is.

1160. Yep.

1161. You're sure you wanna do this, right?

1162. I mean, once Dad finds out you have it,

1163. there's no going back, like ever.

1164. He's gonna go nuts.

1165. That's why I never told him.

1166. I guess deep down,

1167. I was saving it for a day like this

1168. when the chips were down and all hope seemed lost.

1169. OK.

1170. Good. Let's do it.

1171. All right, we're done!

1172. Sir?

1173. - I need you to open box 1080.

1174. There's a pair of jeans in there!

1175. - What? - Just do it!

1176. What, you're just— you're just not gonna—

1177. not gonna talk to me for the rest of your life, huh?

1178. Is that it?

1179. Well, you'd— you've—you've taken

1180. a—taken a vow of silence, like a—like a monk, huh?

1181. You're gonna—you're gonna shave your head too?

1182. 'Cause, well, go ahead.

1183. Go ahead, then you won't— then you won't—

1184. then you won't clog the shower drain.

1185. What do you guys want?

1186. I want to cut a deal.

1187. What? What are you talking about?

1188. Let me tell you a story, Matty.

1189. Back when I was in Hollywood,

1190. I almost made a movie with Sly Stallone.

1191. - Bullshit. - No bullshit.

1192. - "Rocky" Stallone? - Yep.

1193. He came to me with a project and I said yes.

1194. It was gonna be about this astronaut cop

1195. and this wisecracking bear.

1196. I was the bear.

1197. And they gotta go to space to save Christmas,

1198. but then the "Challenger" exploded,

1199. so they had to scrap the project.

1200. Oh, man, what a bummer.

1201. I know, right?

1202. I mean, that's when America could have used

1203. a movie like that the most!

1204. Anyway, Stallone felt really bad about it,

1205. so he gave me this.

1206. What is it?

1207. Rocky's mouth guard.

1208. Fuck you. You're kidding.

1209. - Nope. - You're shitting me.

1210. No shit.

1211. Wait. Does that mean—

1212. Yes, the one at Planet Hollywood is a fake.

1213. Holy—

1214. holy shit!

1215. Holy fucking shit!

1216. Now, I will give you this priceless item...

1217. If you give Blaire another chance.

1218. - Huh? - Just let her stay.

1219. Oh.

1220. I don't know.

1221. Hey, why don't you put it on?

1222. Go on.

1223. That was in Sylvester Stallone's mouth in 1976.

1224. See how it feels in yours.

1225. Mmm.

1226. Oh.

1227. Oh, wow.

1228. I feel him.

1229. I—I—I feel him in my mouth.

1230. You gotta go the distance, Matty.

1231. Rocky would never have given up

1232. on his brother's wife's daughter.

1233. And neither should you. - No.

1234. What do you say?

1235. - OK. - OK, what?

1236. She can stay.

1237. Oh, Matty, you mean it?

1238. Yeah, fuck it.

1239. Oh!

1240. Oh, honey, and no rent?

1241. - Yeah, yeah. - Right?

1242. - Fine, fine. - Thank you so much.

1243. I'm gonna sleep in it.

1244. Nice job, Teddy.

1245. We did it. - Yeah, we did.

1246. You know, I think you and Stallone

1247. could still make that movie.

1248. Oh, God. No way. It was total fucking garbage.

1249. I don't wanna sound crazy, but I honestly think

1250. Paramount blew up the space shuttle

1251. so they wouldn't have to make that movie.

1252. Jesus, that bad, huh?

1253. - It was that bad, yeah. - Shit.

1254. I don't know how to thank you guys.

1255. I mean, never in a million years did I expect this.

1256. You know, I was starting to think

1257. it was impossible for any of us to break the curse

1258. of the Bennett blood, but what you did,

1259. it gives me a lot of hope.

1260. Thank you.

1261. Ah, we were just trying to make things right.

1262. No, no, no, no. I—I mean it, though.

1263. You're not like the rest of the family.

1264. You've got a shot.

1265. I think of my dad, drunk on his ratty couch,

1266. watching "Flash Gordon" or some shit,

1267. but that's not gonna be you.

1268. You—you're gonna do something with your life.

1269. You're gonna be somebody.

1270. Thanks, Blaire.

1271. Just promise me this.

1272. No more drugs. Yeah?

1273. No more drugs.

1274. Besides pot.