1. Ah!Copy !req
2. Whoo!Copy !req
3. No!Copy !req
4. 'Hello! I'm still Greg Davies
and this is still Taskmaster.
Hope you're still watching.Copy !req
5. There are just two episodes left
for one member of this almighty castCopy !req
6. 'to prove themselves worthy of
guiltily fondling my gilded face.Copy !req
7. 'These prospective champions have
names and I'm about to shout them,
so please welcome James Acaster!Copy !req
8. Jessica Knappett!Copy !req
9. Kerry Godliman!Copy !req
10. Phil Wang! And Rhod Gilbert!Copy !req
11. And rudely rocking up next to me,Copy !req
12. it's my quasi-quartermaster,
little Alex Horne!Copy !req
13. 'You know I like you a lot. Yeah.
So I've spent all of my money
on a present for you.Copy !req
14. Would you like your gift?
Yes, please.Copy !req
15. I've got you a horse-drawn carriage.
Ooh!Copy !req
16. 'The trouble is, horses can't draw.
Horses can't...Copy !req
17. 'Do you get it? I do. I do.
Do you get it? I do get it. I think
I should properly display this.Copy !req
18. Perhaps you two gentleman
would hold it up for me.Copy !req
19. 'Erm, would you guys come up.
A horse-drawn carriage.
Funny, isn't it?Copy !req
20. 'We should really move on
to the prize task.
Oh, I was gonna say that. Jinx!Copy !req
21. 'Today, right now,
the prize category is the most
surprisingly beautiful thing.Copy !req
22. 'Ah! Like our friendship,
for example. Yeah. Whoever's
thing... It's a bad example.Copy !req
23. 'Whoever's thing is decided to be the
most surprisingly beautiful by you,
my friend, will get five points,Copy !req
24. 'and at the end of the show,
someone will go home with five
surprisingly beautiful things.Copy !req
25. OK. Good. Mm-hm. Rhod.Copy !req
26. My surprisingly beautiful thing,
the back story is,Copy !req
27. in 1992, I went travelling
all around the world, Greg,Copy !req
28. 'and I saw all the sights,
I saw the Taj Mahal, I saw
the Blue Mountains of Australia,Copy !req
29. the Gold Coast, Greg,
and then I came home.Copy !req
30. 'And we were driving back to West
Wales and we passed the industrial
landscape of Port Talbot.Copy !req
31. And it had an ethereal beauty
at nightCopy !req
32. that was unsurpassed
on my entire trip.Copy !req
33. 'There better be a hell
of a punch line to this story.
Well, look at the picture.Copy !req
34. Here we go. Oh, there we are.Copy !req
35. Oh, you bell-end!Copy !req
36. Phil Wang.Copy !req
37. I saw the brief on
most surprisingly beautiful thingCopy !req
38. and so I got this jack-in-the-box.Copy !req
39. I'm actually gonna show you
a little video this time, Greg.Copy !req
40. It's the late Grace Kelly of Monaco,Copy !req
41. universally considered one of the
most beautiful women in history,Copy !req
42. 'but she's come out
of a jack-in-a-box.Copy !req
43. I mean, I actually think
technically it's quite good.Copy !req
44. 'And yet... And yet...
..I feel empty inside. Yeah.Copy !req
45. Jessica.
What is your feeling on sand?Copy !req
46. I despise it. I go on exclusively
pebble or shale beaches.Copy !req
47. As we've seen in the picture.Copy !req
48. So, it may surprise you to learn,Copy !req
49. when you take a closer look
under a microscope,Copy !req
50. it is surprisingly...Copy !req
51. beautiful.Copy !req
52. Is it all sand, that,
if you put it under a microscope?Copy !req
53. Or will some sand
just be irritating bits?Copy !req
54. It'll all look like that.
Yeah. OK. James.Copy !req
55. For my birthday one year,
my friend Sam drew a picture of me,Copy !req
56. and it was so surprisingly beautifulCopy !req
57. that I framed it
and I put it up in my own bedroom.Copy !req
58. So, some things that are
off-putting, off the top of my head,Copy !req
59. I've got witch's tits and two dicks.Copy !req
60. Now... the whole thing
shouldn't work, and yet, it works!Copy !req
61. It's funny how a work of art
can make you realise thingsCopy !req
62. about the actual person
you hadn't realised before.Copy !req
63. And you do, indeed,
have the face of an old lady.Copy !req
64. Yeah. Kerry.Copy !req
65. My thing is artCopy !req
66. made from a placenta.Copy !req
67. 'JESS LAUGHS
It's like a tree.
It's sort of about life.Copy !req
68. And who could've seen that it came
out of a bunch of flesh and veins?Copy !req
69. What a surprise!Copy !req
70. 'Well, I am surprised
by the fact that the reality
of a picture of a placentaCopy !req
71. 'is actually worse than what I had
in my mind. Because what I had
in my mind was already disgusting.Copy !req
72. Ready to judge them? Yeah. Well,
he can have one point for a start.Copy !req
73. 'Oh, no, come on!
You've had your money's worth
out of that picture, you prick!Copy !req
74. 'I felt like there was stuff coming
into my mouth during yours, Kerry.
You can have two points. OK.Copy !req
75. 'James, you know, it's not beautiful,
but I'm vaguely intrigued
by the whole two dick thing.Copy !req
76. You can have three points.
So Phil's got a chance of winning.Copy !req
77. I think he's got me
on a technicality.Copy !req
78. It has all the elements
of a surprisingly beautiful thing.Copy !req
79. I think it's rubbish,
and I think it's a hollow victory,Copy !req
80. but you just brought
a pile of sand inCopy !req
81. and then tried some sort
of microscope bullshit on us.Copy !req
82. So, against all odds,
five points to Phil Wang.Copy !req
83. 'Let's get going. Proper tasks.
Yes. OK, then. And as a little
tribute to your number one hobby,Copy !req
84. this task involves counting money.
Ready? Mm-mm!Copy !req
85. Hi, Phil.Copy !req
86. Swear box.Copy !req
87. That can fuck off for a start.Copy !req
88. 'That's a red rag to a bull, that is,
to me, a swear box.
Pissing little slotty red shit.Copy !req
89. Put the most money
in the small bowl.Copy !req
90. You may not touch the small bowl.Copy !req
91. The small bowl must not sink.Copy !req
92. Also, you must say your own name
at least once every 30 seconds.Copy !req
93. With pleasure.Copy !req
94. You have five minutes.Copy !req
95. 'The money in the small bowl
with the highest
total numerical value wins.Copy !req
96. Your time starts now.Copy !req
97. Pretty straightforward, then, Alex.
Coins into the bowl.Copy !req
98. They must not touch the little bowl.
They mustn't touch the little bowl.Copy !req
99. 'You must not touch the little bowl.
The little bowl must not sink. Ooh!Copy !req
100. It's the highest numerical value.
Right. OK?Copy !req
101. 'So a 50p piece is worth 50.
A £1 coin is worth one.
Yes. Alright? Got it.Copy !req
102. 'We're gonna start with either end
of the panel. Sweary Rhod
and wary James. Here we go.Copy !req
103. God, how do get into
a fucking swear box?Copy !req
104. 25.Copy !req
105. 'So a 50 is worth 50
and a £1 is worth one. They're all
foreign coins. I get you. Yeah.Copy !req
106. Ten. Ten.Copy !req
107. Er, 50. Right. OK.Copy !req
108. Five. 25. Er, Rhod Gilbert.Copy !req
109. James Acaster.Copy !req
110. 20. Is there anything bigger than
20? What have we got there? 100!Copy !req
111. 100 escudos. James Acaster.Copy !req
112. Ooh! Ooh! Ohh!Copy !req
113. James Acaster. Rhod Gilbert. 100!Copy !req
114. Ho-ho-ho! 50! Ho-ho-ho!Copy !req
115. That's gonna go under
if I put another one in.Copy !req
116. 20. Oh.Copy !req
117. Don't you dare!Copy !req
118. 'Am I allowed to touch it? No.
There's no touching the small bowl.
Hang on. I can touch the big bowl.Copy !req
119. No! Agh!Copy !req
120. How long have I got?
Oh, fucking hell!Copy !req
121. 'I mean, it sums up
how I did on the task, doesn't it?
A dead face in a bowl.Copy !req
122. Oh, shit! Rhod Gilbert. Done!Copy !req
123. 'HE SIGHS
God, I almost went wrong
in so many different ways.Copy !req
124. 'Explain yourself.
Two words, nervous breakdown.Copy !req
125. Simple as that. Every episode. Yeah.Copy !req
126. And when you were scooping things
out... Mm. Something delicate?Copy !req
127. 'Something delicate. "Oh,
I've got a delicate situation here,
involving a little bowl with water."Copy !req
128. 'What do you reach for?
A skull! Skull!Copy !req
129. The skull has holes in it
for the eyes and jawbones.Copy !req
130. I thought, "That'll drain it
as it's coming out."Copy !req
131. However, I neglected to notice
that the skullCopy !req
132. 'was slightly bigger
than the bowl opening.Copy !req
133. 'Do you wanna move on?
Yeah, I do, because somebody
must have done that better.Copy !req
134. 'Now, for those people who want
to see Phil and Jess together,
it's Jess and Phil.Copy !req
135. Here we go. Ready? Yes.Copy !req
136. Ah! 50.Copy !req
137. 100 colones.Copy !req
138. Phil Wang! Throwing in the coins!Copy !req
139. Is there a penalty for saying
my name too many times? No, no.Copy !req
140. Oh, Phil Wang. Philly Wang. Phil.
Phil Wang. Philip Wang.Copy !req
141. Oh, hundreds. 20.Copy !req
142. Oi! Oi! No! No! Ahh!Copy !req
143. Oh, man!Copy !req
144. Ten. Ten. Ten.Copy !req
145. It's not the time that's...Copy !req
146. Shit!Copy !req
147. 'APPLAUSE
I have been genuinely traumatised
by the sight of Phil's genitals...Copy !req
148. ..in that costume.Copy !req
149. 'And I thought I'd sort of got used
to them, until I saw them magnified
through a goldfish bowl.Copy !req
150. Surprisingly beautiful, I thought.Copy !req
151. 'But what intrigued me is both of you
seemed genuinely shocked
when the bowl did sink.Copy !req
152. 'I'm an optimist.
I don't know what to say. It looked
well designed to withstand the load.Copy !req
153. 'Erm... Yeah.
But I gave it too much load.Copy !req
154. I...Copy !req
155. 'Phil is a trained engineer,
that's why he's using
all this technical terminology.Copy !req
156. OK. Now, stop. Just stop. Breathe.Copy !req
157. Take a break. Come back
when you've all calmed down. Go!Copy !req
158. Hello. It's Taskmaster
and it's the start of part two.Copy !req
159. 'So you know what that means.
It means that Alex gets to make
his special noise.Copy !req
160. Hurrrr!Copy !req
161. 'LAUGHTER
Now, what was happening
before the break?Copy !req
162. It was the money bowl task.
You know the one.Copy !req
163. 'There's a bowl in a fish bowl.
They put as much money in the little
bowl without it sinking.Copy !req
164. Oh, and so far, everyone has failed.Copy !req
165. But there's one person left,
one ray of hope, one Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
166. Ten. 20. Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
167. 30. 40.Copy !req
168. 50. 60. Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
169. 110. 100!Copy !req
170. 210. Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
171. I'm gonna go for
loads of these little friends.Copy !req
172. Kerry Godliman. Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
173. Ohhh!
Missed the bowl there.Copy !req
174. Is it worth getting? I think it is.Copy !req
175. I think it's worth getting it.
It's a really light one and it's...Copy !req
176. OK, I'm stopping. Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
177. 'Well,
we're gonna have to wait two and a
half minutes to see if that sinks.Copy !req
178. Oh, really?Copy !req
179. It's not gonna sink. Staring at it
is not changing anything.Copy !req
180. 'Putting any more money in?
Well, no, because then it will sink.
Right. I see.Copy !req
181. Kerry Godliman. Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
182. Five seconds left, Kerry Godliman.
Kerry Godliman. Five seconds.Copy !req
183. Kerry Godliman. Four.
Kerry Godliman. Two.Copy !req
184. Kerry Godliman. One.Copy !req
185. 'WHISTLE BLOWS
Thank you, Kerry. OK. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.Copy !req
186. It's the Kerry Godliman system.
It's the most obvious route.Copy !req
187. 'It's direct... Yes.
.. and it gets the job done.
Absolutely. Bosh! Bosh!Copy !req
188. In many ways, you are
the Grand Master of this show.Copy !req
189. 'Wow! Well, that's praise indeed.
Yeah. Because you don't think.Copy !req
190. I do think! That's not a fluke,
that's brains, mate!Copy !req
191. Yeah. Your system works. And I'm
complimenting you. Thank you.Copy !req
192. 'Do you have compliments
for the rest of us?Copy !req
193. 'Not for you, skull boy.
Do you wanna score it?Copy !req
194. Five points for the bosh queen,
Kerry Godliman. OK. Five to Kerry.Copy !req
195. Everyone else? Zero. Oh, what?Copy !req
196. 'Kerry Godliman wins the task.
Five, nil, nil, nil, nil.Copy !req
197. 'What are the scores?
Kerry's in the lead at the moment
with seven points.Copy !req
198. 'CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Look, I wanna give out some more
points. Let's have some more tasks.Copy !req
199. 'OK, then. Here's a confusing one
for you that will mean different
things to different people.Copy !req
200. Hello. Hello.Copy !req
201. Fez.Copy !req
202. Ooh! A fez!Copy !req
203. 'What the fez? A little joke
to start us off. No, I liked it.
Jot that down. I was laughing.Copy !req
204. 'Quite close.
Fez is quite close to what the...
Yeah, no, I got it. Yeah?Copy !req
205. Be photographed in the most
unusual situation wearing this fez.Copy !req
206. 'You have eight weeks!
Your time starts now.Copy !req
207. I didn't know that they were soft.
I thought they were hard.Copy !req
208. Like a flower pot? Yeah. Yeah. I did
think they were like a flower pot.Copy !req
209. 'And I take the fez. I need the fez.
That's your fez, now.
It's key, isn't it, the fez?Copy !req
210. See you soon. Goodbye, Kerry.
Bye-bye.Copy !req
211. Hi, Alex. Oh, hello, Phil.Copy !req
212. Hello, James.Copy !req
213. Hula.Copy !req
214. Hula. You have one minute.
Your time starts now.Copy !req
215. 'What? A split task.
Yes. We divided them up. We've got
the children and the grownups.Copy !req
216. 'LAUGHTER
Shall we start with Jess's
fez adventure? Yeah. Yes.Copy !req
217. I'm wearing a fez in...
the cockpit of an aeroplane!Copy !req
218. 'With a pilot, genuinely, who when
I asked to go into the cockpit,Copy !req
219. he went,
"Oh, that's weird, my name is Fez."Copy !req
220. 'It is completely true. We see his
name badge is Andrew Ferrington.
Andy Ferrington. Andy Ferrington!Copy !req
221. 'AKA, Fez. Well, I think it's not
a bad attempt to have a picture
with you and Andy Ferrington.Copy !req
222. 'LAUGHTER
I invited Fez down. No-one has
called that man Fez in his life.Copy !req
223. Fez! Yep!Copy !req
224. Thank you!Copy !req
225. 'Would you like to see
Kerry's fez picture? Yes,
I want to see Kerry's fez picture.Copy !req
226. I went back in time. Ooh!Copy !req
227. I did. I found a portalCopy !req
228. and I went back
to oldy worldy times.Copy !req
229. Tudory times.Copy !req
230. Wow!Copy !req
231. That's me in the past.Copy !req
232. 'I'm not a historian, Kerry,
but does Tudory times
cover a very specific period?Copy !req
233. 'I wasn't asked about that. I was
just asked to have my picture taken
in a fez in an unusual situation.Copy !req
234. So I fulfilled my brief. Bosh!Copy !req
235. Rhodri? Yeah. I think you'll agree
this is an unusual situation.Copy !req
236. Ohhh!Copy !req
237. Oh-ho!Copy !req
238. 'I haven't looked round yet, but if
this is a fez superimposed on top
of a picture of me looking fat...Copy !req
239. Oh, Jesus Christ!
You traitorous old woman!Copy !req
240. Who is that, Greg?Copy !req
241. As you well know, it's my mother.Copy !req
242. And she's here tonight! She is.Copy !req
243. Oh!Copy !req
244. As it's an unusual task,
the maximum point is three.Copy !req
245. 'I mean, the truth is,
we've gotta stick to the rules.
Yep. Rhod's not wearing the fez.Copy !req
246. 'Are you gonna give him any points?
I'll give him one point
because I love my mum.Copy !req
247. 'AUDIENCE: Aww! I would give Kerry
more, but something tells me
she hasn't been back in time.Copy !req
248. There's inaccuracies in that picture
that says that she actually wentCopy !req
249. to a company who do pictures
for people on bad stag dos.Copy !req
250. I went back in time. I'll give her
two points. Two to Kerry.Copy !req
251. 'And I'm gonna give Jess
three points,
purely because Fez is a legend.Copy !req
252. Yeah!Copy !req
253. Fezzie!Copy !req
254. Are you ready for the hula-hoopers?
Am I!Copy !req
255. So, they were told to hula for one
minute. This is what they did.Copy !req
256. I've never been able to hula-hoop.Copy !req
257. Oh, that's alright. That's OK, that.Copy !req
258. Ow! Hurts! Hurts!Copy !req
259. I've never done this before.
This is a first.Copy !req
260. Thank you.Copy !req
261. Improve your hulaing.
Greatest improvement wins.Copy !req
262. You have until the studio shows.
Your time starts now.Copy !req
263. 'I don't know if anyone else
found that as traumatic as I did.Copy !req
264. I could not take my eyes off it.
You didn't have a choice.Copy !req
265. It doesn't matter sometimes
how ornate the grandfather clock is,Copy !req
266. the pendulum draws the eye.Copy !req
267. 'Are we basically saying that James
has got to do more than six seconds
to win this task?Copy !req
268. Well, it depends how many more
seconds than 57 Wang does.Copy !req
269. It's who improves the most.Copy !req
270. Let's see how they do right now.Copy !req
271. Oooh!Copy !req
272. Ooh!
You can have one attempt at this.Copy !req
273. When I blow my whistle,
please start hulaing.Copy !req
274. Greatest improvement wins.Copy !req
275. Hula!Copy !req
276. Oh, fuck!Copy !req
277. I've been practising so much!Copy !req
278. I've been practising so much.Copy !req
279. 'I'm really good now.
I am really good.Copy !req
280. I got nervous. I got nervous.
I'm really good now.Copy !req
281. I'm really good.Copy !req
282. I mean, it is impressive, isn't it?Copy !req
283. It's such a shame
we've gotta take his first attempt.Copy !req
284. 'You could just take his second
attempt, I would suggest.
Which was spectacular.Copy !req
285. Them's the rules, I'm afraid. So,
from the start of the spinning...Copy !req
286. Yep. .. Phil, one and a half seconds.Copy !req
287. James Acaster... Yep?
.. five seconds.Copy !req
288. 'Oh, my God!
And it's greatest improvement.
A maximum of three points again.Copy !req
289. It's completely up to you, Greg.
Oh, God!Copy !req
290. I don't think Phil Wang
has practised hula-hooping once.Copy !req
291. 'LAUGHTER
But I'm gonna give him one point
regardless.Copy !req
292. 'I am going to deem it
that James Acaster has made
the most improvement,Copy !req
293. but I can't give him full marks,
so I'm going to give him two marks.Copy !req
294. There. It's done. Two points to
James Acaster! Ready, Alex? Always.Copy !req
295. One, two, three... Break.Copy !req
296. Hello. Welcome back to Taskmaster.Copy !req
297. Right, little Alex Horne,
I for one would like another task.Copy !req
298. 'And I for one
would like to give you one.Copy !req
299. Hello, Rhod. Done a wash?
These are all Greg's socks.Copy !req
300. Find the sock with a satsuma inside.Copy !req
301. You may not look inside
any of the socks.Copy !req
302. You may squeeze five socks...Copy !req
303. Stroke ten socks and sniff 20 socks.
My rules every day, anyway.Copy !req
304. Ohh! So many things.Copy !req
305. You may put your hand
inside three socks.Copy !req
306. You may put 11 socks on your feet.Copy !req
307. Fastest wins. Your time starts now.Copy !req
308. Erm, I'm a little bit irritated.Copy !req
309. Someone appears to have graffitied
on the side of my caravan.Copy !req
310. 'That was awkward.
So, I obviously put the satsuma
in the eighth one along,Copy !req
311. the big 8 was to remind me that's
the one it was, but I left it up.Copy !req
312. 'If any of them had looked back
at any point, that would've been
so annoying. They would've seen.Copy !req
313. He's angry about the hulaing. You're
not angry about that, are you?Copy !req
314. 'Oh, no, I calmed down about that,
then Jess pointed that out, and now
I remember that I hate this show.Copy !req
315. The first satsuma hunters we're
gonna see are Rhod, James and...Copy !req
316. sorry, aren't Rhod, James and Kerry.Copy !req
317. Here's Jess and Phil!Copy !req
318. It doesn't say you can't look in it.
Are you sure? What's the first line?Copy !req
319. 'You may not look inside
any of the socks.Copy !req
320. You have no more strikes.
No more strikes.Copy !req
321. Urgh. I think this one's been worn.
They've all been worn.Copy !req
322. Oh, have they? They're Greg's socks.Copy !req
323. Ohhh.Copy !req
324. Yes! Yes!Copy !req
325. Not satsuma!Copy !req
326. Could be.Copy !req
327. Still no.Copy !req
328. Could be a satsuma.Copy !req
329. I can put them on my feet now.Copy !req
330. Guys! What is it?Copy !req
331. That's a bloody egg!Copy !req
332. Cos... Agh. My foot's become
so cold, I can't actually feel it.Copy !req
333. Ohhh!Copy !req
334. That's a satsuma.Copy !req
335. Bingo.Copy !req
336. Ohhh! I think this is a satsuma.Copy !req
337. What have you found?Copy !req
338. A lime!Copy !req
339. Oh, God. Unlucky, Phil.Copy !req
340. Has anyone in cinema history
been so...Copy !req
341. 'LAUGHTER
.. passionate about
tossing a lime into the air?Copy !req
342. Lime!Copy !req
343. I got citrus.
That's as close as I got.Copy !req
344. You largely were listening
for the fruit.Copy !req
345. 'LAUGHTER
You did use your foot in the end
because you said,Copy !req
346. "The foot is just
the hand of the leg."Copy !req
347. Oh, that's poetic. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
348. 21 minutes and 10 seconds
to find a lime. A what?Copy !req
349. A lime!Copy !req
350. I mean, was there only one egg
in the socks?Copy !req
351. 'No! Oh, yes. There was one egg in 50
socks. She found that with her foot.Copy !req
352. You sniffed it out with your
leg hand, though, didn't you? Yeah!Copy !req
353. It was quite difficult
to find that it was a satsumaCopy !req
354. with your leg hand,Copy !req
355. cos I'd never rolled a satsuma
onto my leg hand before.Copy !req
356. I feel like I've been popping pills.Copy !req
357. Have you ever rolled a satsuma
onto your leg hand before?Copy !req
358. She took 16 minutes and 56 seconds,Copy !req
359. but succeeded, so she is currently
in the lead. OK, good.Copy !req
360. Next up, it's James and Kerry.Copy !req
361. 'How many socks are there?
Great question. There's a lot,
aren't there? Oh, God.Copy !req
362. It's not this one. How do you know?Copy !req
363. That does not look like a satsuma
to me. OK.Copy !req
364. Get in the bath.Copy !req
365. That is a tennis ball.
Not that one, that's a tennis ball.Copy !req
366. Oh-ho!
That's a goddamn snooker ball!Copy !req
367. That wasn't a satsuma.Copy !req
368. That wasn't a satsuma.Copy !req
369. That could've been a satsuma.Copy !req
370. This is a tennis ball. This is a
tennis ball. This is a tennis ball.Copy !req
371. 'You've got 19 sniffs left.
I never thought anyone would
say that to me in my whole life.Copy !req
372. Not that one.Copy !req
373. This is demeaning.Copy !req
374. That's not a satsuma.
I swear to God. This isn't one.Copy !req
375. Suck it. I think it's a satsuma.Copy !req
376. Well done, Kerry.Copy !req
377. Nice to add to your vast collection
of catchphrases during that task.Copy !req
378. "This is demeaning." That'll really
catch on. "Get in the bath."Copy !req
379. "Suck it" is one we've seen before.
Yeah. But I always enjoy it.Copy !req
380. Also, with the satsuma,
works on two levels.Copy !req
381. 'LAUGHTER
James seemed fairly impressive
to me.Copy !req
382. He took the same amount of time it
takes me to wake you up with kisses,Copy !req
383. 9 minutes and 34 seconds.Copy !req
384. Not bad.Copy !req
385. Erm, Kerry, I think I've been a bit
mean about your approach to tasks.Copy !req
386. I thought that seemed
very sophisticated.Copy !req
387. 'LAUGHTER
And then, when you'd ruled out
certain things,Copy !req
388. got the old tennis racket, bosh!Copy !req
389. Which is brilliant because
they hurt their hands. I didn't.Copy !req
390. 'I will say, also,
both of them used their eyes,
which is more than Phil did.Copy !req
391. 'Yeah, interesting.
They looked at the socks.Copy !req
392. Interesting.
Why not listen for the fruit?Copy !req
393. The eyes of the side of the head.Copy !req
394. You wanna know how Kerry did?
8 minutes 40. Oooh!Copy !req
395. A minute quicker than James,
so in the lead. One left to see.Copy !req
396. 'It's always scary
when you leave Rhod till last.Copy !req
397. He does crazy shit. Yeah.Copy !req
398. Ready for Rhod?
Yes, please. Here we go.Copy !req
399. Cor! Somebody's done a job on this.Copy !req
400. This isn't as easy as I thought.Copy !req
401. This is...Copy !req
402. 'I was going for scissors,
but as luck would have it,
I found a tangerine in the kitchen.Copy !req
403. You think this is the sock
with the satsuma in? Yeah.Copy !req
404. Yeah, I'm pretty sure,
I just put a satsuma in it.Copy !req
405. Can I check and see if you're...
Yeah. There you go.Copy !req
406. Yeah, it didn't say
exclusively with a satsuma in it.Copy !req
407. OK. Thank you. Thanks, Rhod.Copy !req
408. Well, let's just establish the time
that he found a satsuma in a sock.Copy !req
409. 2 minutes 31.
Did he find a satsuma in a sock?Copy !req
410. I would say he didn't find it.Copy !req
411. Yeah. You've gotta lose something
to find it.Copy !req
412. 'What if you put them on the side
and forgot about them?
Cos Rhod's the same age as me,Copy !req
413. it's entirely feasible that
he put that satsuma in the sockCopy !req
414. and then forgot and then found it.Copy !req
415. 'I was as surprised as anyone
when it fell out.Copy !req
416. You can't put it in yourself.
Come on. That's a proper...Copy !req
417. 'You've gotta admit, that was clever.
Funny who you're prepared to bend
for, isn't it, you fucking...Copy !req
418. 'LAUGHTER
Do you know what?
I can't believe this shit!Copy !req
419. "Oh, oh, whatever,
it was my friend."Copy !req
420. Yeah! Ohh, I've never been accused
of bias before.Copy !req
421. Good for you! And you got two points
for that hula-hoop bullshit.Copy !req
422. Ohh! Ohh, and it felt so good.Copy !req
423. 'LAUGHTER
Oh, please give me another
two points for the hula-hoop!Copy !req
424. Give me eight weeks of my life back,
how does that sound?Copy !req
425. James, do you remember how I backed
you on the hula-hoop thing?Copy !req
426. I was right behind you.Copy !req
427. Yeah, well, now you can back into
a satsuma and shove it up your arse.Copy !req
428. This has taken a very nasty turn.Copy !req
429. 'LAUGHTER
So what I'm gonna say here
is that no-one's won that.Copy !req
430. 'Because of all this?
Because of all this shit.Copy !req
431. 'Two joint seconds. Rhod and Kerry
in joint second with four points.
Indeed.Copy !req
432. Then we go to James with three
points. Yep. And Jess with twoCopy !req
433. and Phil with a... Lime!
OK, there we go.Copy !req
434. Rhod and Kerry come second!Copy !req
435. Score update, please. OK, very
quickly, Phil in the series has 115.Copy !req
436. He's still last, weirdly.Copy !req
437. James, 140. Rhod, 150.Copy !req
438. Kerry, 153. Jess still
just in the lead with 155.Copy !req
439. It's still tight. Oooh! Yeah!Copy !req
440. This episode,
it's not quite so tight.Copy !req
441. 'Phil and Rhod are joint last
with six, but out in the lead,
it's Kerry with 13! Yay!Copy !req
442. Bosh!Copy !req
443. Good. Can we squeeze in some more
task excitement, Alex?Copy !req
444. You can, but sadly, it's the final
team task of the series.Copy !req
445. Welcome. Thanks. Thanks.Copy !req
446. 'Looking forward to another task,
we are. I think I can speak
for all of us. Yeah, we are.Copy !req
447. Oh, God. Oh, what's happening now?
Shall I get that?Copy !req
448. I... I can't condone that.
That could've hurt somebody.Copy !req
449. Achieve a rally of exactly 24 shots.Copy !req
450. You must each take the same amount
of shots. That's easy.Copy !req
451. 'You must be stood at least 6 foot
8 inches apart from one another.
Oh, God!Copy !req
452. The Taskmaster is 6 foot 8,
presumably.Copy !req
453. 'The object struck may neither
touch the ground nor be held
at any point during the rally.Copy !req
454. So it's tennis. We play tennis and
have a rally. I can't play tennis.Copy !req
455. 'There is a bonus point for the team
that uses the most ambitious
equipment.Copy !req
456. Fastest wins. Your time starts now!Copy !req
457. Why would you rush "the time starts
now"? I always delay it. Er...Copy !req
458. 'Do you? Yeah, I delay it to give
myself some thinking time.
I wish I'd known that.Copy !req
459. Only mild irritation
from James thereCopy !req
460. 'in that some blood
remained in his face.Copy !req
461. 'Kerry just said to me, "Well,
at least we didn't have Rhod."Copy !req
462. Awwww!Copy !req
463. No, no, no!
Don't pity him! You don't know. No!Copy !req
464. 'Do some team tasks with him
and then see how you feel.Copy !req
465. 'OK, do you wanna see the rally?
Yeah, let's just get amongst it. I
can't wait. Here are Kerry and Jess.Copy !req
466. What should we use as rackets?Copy !req
467. I think these trays are quite good.
Trays are good.Copy !req
468. We have to measure the 6 foot
fucking 8. How tall are you?Copy !req
469. '5 foot 2. So, half of you
is two and a half. Half of me?Copy !req
470. 'You lie down. So we're having
all of you and half of me.Copy !req
471. Yeah, but how are we measuring it?
Here. Here's half of me.Copy !req
472. One. That's too weird.Copy !req
473. I feel like this is ambitious.Copy !req
474. It's stupid.
It's not ambitious, it's stupid.Copy !req
475. One.Copy !req
476. One. Two. Fuck.
The sun's in my eyes!Copy !req
477. One, two, three. Ohh.Copy !req
478. Five. Ohh.Copy !req
479. This is worse than the ukuleles.
One.Copy !req
480. Oh, we've really blown this.Copy !req
481. One. Two. Three. Four.Copy !req
482. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine.Copy !req
483. Ten. 11. 12.Copy !req
484. 13. 14. 15. 16.Copy !req
485. 17. 18. 19. 20.Copy !req
486. 21. 22. 23. 24. Yes!
Leave it! Leave it! Yes!Copy !req
487. Can I go and have a lie down? Yes.Copy !req
488. And this is the greatest opening
to any sport. "One. Two. Fuck."Copy !req
489. So, using balls and trays, they did
it in 12 minutes and 49 seconds.Copy !req
490. 'Well, it's a starting point.
Not a bad start.Copy !req
491. 'Right, it's the final break
of the show before the final part
of the show.Copy !req
492. I want you to stay exactly
where you are, thank you!Copy !req
493. Oh, hello! Welcome back
to the last part of Taskmaster.Copy !req
494. Not long to go until somebody
legs it home with the placenta.Copy !req
495. But first, Alex Horne.
Hello, Greg. How are you?Copy !req
496. 'A rally, that's what
they were trying to achieve.
A rally of exactly 24 shotsCopy !req
497. with a bonus point for
the most ambitious equipment used.Copy !req
498. Here are the men having a go.Copy !req
499. Is that correct? That? No,
that's not. He's taller than that.Copy !req
500. If we put a hat on him, it's
probably about right, I reckon.Copy !req
501. That's the man. Yeah.
How tall are you? 6'1.Copy !req
502. Right, you lie on it, then.
Why is that still there?Copy !req
503. 'And put your feet where his are.
Why am I lying down with a hat on?
Hang on.Copy !req
504. 'It says fastest wins, and right now,
I'm lying down with a top hat on.Copy !req
505. 'Kick it over the shed.
Start with one of us blindfolded
and then go from there.Copy !req
506. One!Copy !req
507. 'Oh, Phil!
Honestly.Copy !req
508. 'You've gone too ambitious.
I've gone...Copy !req
509. I thought you wanted ambitious.
You've gone too ambitious.Copy !req
510. 'We can just use the shed.
It doesn't actually go
anywhere near the ground.Copy !req
511. OK.Copy !req
512. That sounded bad.Copy !req
513. Right, this is the one. One. Two.Copy !req
514. Three. Four. Five.Copy !req
515. Six. Seven.Copy !req
516. Eight. Nine. Ten.Copy !req
517. 11. 12. Come on!Copy !req
518. 13.Copy !req
519. 14. 15.Copy !req
520. 16. 17.
James has gotta get one less.Copy !req
521. 18. 19. 20.Copy !req
522. 21. 22. 23. Give it back to me.Copy !req
523. Yes!
Stop the clock. Yes! Good times.Copy !req
524. 'If I could, I would award the bonus
point for Phil's blindfold.Copy !req
525. 'It's interesting
that you spent so long trying
to work out what 6 foot 8 was.Copy !req
526. I wonder if that paid off
in the long run, did it?Copy !req
527. Well, the shed was 6 foot 6 wide.Copy !req
528. They also had to strike it
exactly the same number of times.Copy !req
529. 'During the bit we just saw,
you counted to 24
but you got to 27 in total.Copy !req
530. 'During the first 27, you hit it
seven times, Phil eight, James nine.Copy !req
531. Also, you were seven minutes slower.Copy !req
532. Another agonising decision for me.Copy !req
533. Jess and Kerry, pretty excellent.Copy !req
534. So five points each. OK. Well done.Copy !req
535. But I think the bag of monkeys
that is the boys' team,Copy !req
536. 'they did attempt something a bit
more ambitious, so I'm gonna give
them a point each. Let it be done.Copy !req
537. Five to the girls, one to the boys!Copy !req
538. 'Please can you all stay
where the heck you are
for the final task of the show.Copy !req
539. Oooh.Copy !req
540. And as if by magic,
something's appeared.Copy !req
541. 'What is going on here, Alex?
Well, it's the studio task.
Jess is gonna read it out.Copy !req
542. Write your name
and draw a picture of a happy horseCopy !req
543. on your overhead projector acetate
upside down.Copy !req
544. You must not rotate
or manipulate your acetate.Copy !req
545. You have 100 seconds.Copy !req
546. 'Most accurate picture and writing
when your acetate
is overhead-projected wins.Copy !req
547. 'LAUGHTER
Wow.
It's a happy horse and your name.Copy !req
548. You've gotta do it upside down,
though.Copy !req
549. 'But when we project it,
we want it to be projected the right
way up as accurately as possible.Copy !req
550. 'And please,
I would ask the audience,
cheer as if you're watching footballCopy !req
551. 'because that will amuse me
while they do this.Copy !req
552. Let's do this, Alex!Copy !req
553. He's copying. He's copying.Copy !req
554. Oh, no!Copy !req
555. Five! Four! Three!Copy !req
556. Two! One!Copy !req
557. Feel the rush.Copy !req
558. 'It's been a long time
since I saw someone trying to copy
someone else's work.Copy !req
559. 'LAUGHTER
I thought, "Is this a trick,
cos when you put them on there,Copy !req
560. does it flick them upside down?
So if we do them upside down..."Copy !req
561. 'Alex will talk you through that now.
Remember,
I'm putting it on upside down,Copy !req
562. 'so hopefully they did it upside
down. Yep. And it will look the
right way up. Correct. Here we go.Copy !req
563. OK, this is Rhod's. How accurate...Copy !req
564. So, Rhod Gilbert is a huge success.Copy !req
565. Mm-hm. I want to question
whether that is a horseCopy !req
566. and whether that horse is happy.Copy !req
567. Yeah. Teeth, nose,
eyes, eyelashes, ears,Copy !req
568. legs out to the side,
big tongue hanging out.Copy !req
569. Ah, yeah, it's a happy horse. Tick!
Who next? Phil Wang?Copy !req
570. It says Phil... What's the...
Oh, that's Chinese for Wang.Copy !req
571. It's easier to draw upside down.
Ohh!Copy !req
572. Oooh!Copy !req
573. 'Your horse is demonstrating
his happiness with a big smile.
That's nice. Kerry.Copy !req
574. You alright? That's my name in...Copy !req
575. .. gobbledegook.Copy !req
576. 'I'm amazed I'm saying this. That's
probably the best horse so far.
Thank you.Copy !req
577. 'I presume it's a very thin horse,
all of its legs
one behind the other.Copy !req
578. OK, here we go. Jessica Knappett.Copy !req
579. 'There's a fine line between happy
and deranged, isn't there?Copy !req
580. Oh, I know!Copy !req
581. He's so happy... She!Copy !req
582. She's so happy that she's dislocated
her lower jaw.Copy !req
583. OK.
Last one. Ready for James Acaster's?Copy !req
584. Wow!Copy !req
585. 'He's been practising that
for eight weeks!Copy !req
586. I mean, fair play to the boy.
Can't fault it. Both names.Copy !req
587. And that, man, that's a happy horse.Copy !req
588. Alex, take your seat.
I'll make a quick decision. OK.Copy !req
589. 'I thought that he did the name very
well, but it was by far the worst
horse in that it wasn't ahorse.Copy !req
590. It was a horse's face!
How do you know it's you?Copy !req
591. I'm giving Rhod two points. Two
points to Rhod Gilbert. Yes, indeed.Copy !req
592. Kerry's horse was an improvement
on actual horses.Copy !req
593. 'SHE LAUGHS
Why would they wanna have
two of their legs side by side?Copy !req
594. Stick them all in a big row.Copy !req
595. I'd like to see that racing. She got
her name entirely incorrectly,Copy !req
596. but I'm going to give her
three points. OK, three points.Copy !req
597. Jessica and Phil,
I'm grouping you together.Copy !req
598. I got my name right.
But my horse was really happy.Copy !req
599. Yeah.Copy !req
600. I'm giving you four points. James,
he got both of his names correctCopy !req
601. 'and it was the happiest
and the best horse.
James Acaster gets five points!Copy !req
602. 'CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Let's have a sting
to get rid of the propsCopy !req
603. and then we'll find out
the final scores!Copy !req
604. How was that, Alex?Copy !req
605. It was very artistic
and very satisfying. Wasn't it?Copy !req
606. Thanks to those scores,Copy !req
607. 'there was now
just three points in it
at the top of the series scoreboard.Copy !req
608. Ooooh!Copy !req
609. And in this episode,
there's just 12 points...Copy !req
610. 'LAUGHTER
This episode is not close.
Rhod is at the bottom with nine,Copy !req
611. but at the top with 21 points,
it's Kerry Godliman!Copy !req
612. Ohhhh!Copy !req
613. I get the placenta!Copy !req
614. 'Kerry Godliman is the winner!
Please go and rejoice in your
surprisingly beautiful winnings!Copy !req
615. 'So, what have we learnt today? We've
learnt that if you're struggling
to achieve something inlife,Copy !req
616. maybe it's time
to think outside the box,Copy !req
617. use your foot, the hand of the leg,Copy !req
618. or use your ear,
the eye of the head.Copy !req
619. And if all fails, use A LIME!Copy !req
620. And of course, we've learnt
that Kerry Godliman won the show.Copy !req
621. 'Thank you for watching.
Good night and see you next time
for the grand final!Copy !req