1. Ah!Copy !req
2. Whoo!Copy !req
3. AIR HORN BLARES
No!Copy !req
4. 'Hello! I'm still Greg Davies
and this is still Taskmaster.
Hope you're still watching.Copy !req
5. There are just two episodes left
for one member of this almighty castCopy !req
6. 'to prove themselves worthy of
guiltily fondling my gilded face.Copy !req
7. 'These prospective champions have
names and I'm about to shout them,
so please welcome James Acaster!Copy !req
8. Jessica Knappett!Copy !req
9. Kerry Godliman!Copy !req
10. Phil Wang! And Rhod Gilbert!Copy !req
11. And rudely rocking up next to me,Copy !req
12. it's my quasi-quartermaster,
little Alex Horne!Copy !req
13. 'You know I like you a lot. Yeah.
So I've spent all of my money
on a present for you.Copy !req
14. Would you like your gift?
Yes, please.Copy !req
15. I've got you a horse-drawn carriage.
Ooh!Copy !req
16. 'The trouble is, horses can't draw.
Horses can't...Copy !req
17. 'Do you get it? I do. I do.
Do you get it? I do get it. I think
I should properly display this.Copy !req
18. Perhaps you two gentleman
would hold it up for me.Copy !req
19. 'Erm, would you guys come up.
A horse-drawn carriage.
Funny, isn't it?Copy !req
20. 'We should really move on
to the prize task.
Oh, I was gonna say that. Jinx!Copy !req
21. 'Today, right now,
the prize category is the most
surprisingly beautiful thing.Copy !req
22. 'Ah! Like our friendship,
for example. Yeah. Whoever's
thing... It's a bad example.Copy !req
23. 'Whoever's thing is decided to be the
most surprisingly beautiful by you,
my friend, will get five points,Copy !req
24. 'and at the end of the show,
someone will go home with five
surprisingly beautiful things.Copy !req
25. OK. Good. Mm-hm. Rhod.Copy !req
26. My surprisingly beautiful thing,
the back story is,Copy !req
27. in 1992, I went travelling
all around the world, Greg,Copy !req
28. 'and I saw all the sights,
I saw the Taj Mahal, I saw
the Blue Mountains of Australia,Copy !req
29. the Gold Coast, Greg,
and then I came home.Copy !req
30. 'And we were driving back to West
Wales and we passed the industrial
landscape of Port Talbot.Copy !req
31. And it had an ethereal beauty
at nightCopy !req
32. that was unsurpassed
on my entire trip.Copy !req
33. 'There better be a hell
of a punch line to this story.
Well, look at the picture.Copy !req
34. Here we go. Oh, there we are.Copy !req
35. Oh, you bell-end!Copy !req
36. Phil Wang.Copy !req
37. I saw the brief on
most surprisingly beautiful thingCopy !req
38. and so I got this jack-in-the-box.Copy !req
39. I'm actually gonna show you
a little video this time, Greg.Copy !req
40. TOY PLAYS POP GOES THE WEASELCopy !req
41. It's the late Grace Kelly of Monaco,Copy !req
42. universally considered one of the
most beautiful women in history,Copy !req
43. 'but she's come out
of a jack-in-a-box.Copy !req
44. I mean, I actually think
technically it's quite good.Copy !req
45. 'And yet... And yet...
..I feel empty inside. Yeah.Copy !req
46. Jessica.
What is your feeling on sand?Copy !req
47. I despise it. I go on exclusively
pebble or shale beaches.Copy !req
48. As we've seen in the picture.Copy !req
49. So, it may surprise you to learn,Copy !req
50. when you take a closer look
under a microscope,Copy !req
51. it is surprisingly...Copy !req
52. beautiful.Copy !req
53. Is it all sand, that,
if you put it under a microscope?Copy !req
54. Or will some sand
just be irritating bits?Copy !req
55. It'll all look like that.
Yeah. OK. James.Copy !req
56. For my birthday one year,
my friend Sam drew a picture of me,Copy !req
57. and it was so surprisingly beautifulCopy !req
58. that I framed it
and I put it up in my own bedroom.Copy !req
59. So, some things that are
off-putting, off the top of my head,Copy !req
60. I've got witch's tits and two dicks.Copy !req
61. Now... the whole thing
shouldn't work, and yet, it works!Copy !req
62. It's funny how a work of art
can make you realise thingsCopy !req
63. about the actual person
you hadn't realised before.Copy !req
64. And you do, indeed,
have the face of an old lady.Copy !req
65. Yeah. Kerry.Copy !req
66. My thing is artCopy !req
67. made from a placenta.Copy !req
68. 'JESS LAUGHS
It's like a tree.
It's sort of about life.Copy !req
69. And who could've seen that it came
out of a bunch of flesh and veins?Copy !req
70. What a surprise!Copy !req
71. 'Well, I am surprised
by the fact that the reality
of a picture of a placentaCopy !req
72. 'is actually worse than what I had
in my mind. Because what I had
in my mind was already disgusting.Copy !req
73. Ready to judge them? Yeah. Well,
he can have one point for a start.Copy !req
74. 'Oh, no, come on!
You've had your money's worth
out of that picture, you prick!Copy !req
75. 'I felt like there was stuff coming
into my mouth during yours, Kerry.
You can have two points. OK.Copy !req
76. 'James, you know, it's not beautiful,
but I'm vaguely intrigued
by the whole two dick thing.Copy !req
77. You can have three points.
So Phil's got a chance of winning.Copy !req
78. I think he's got me
on a technicality.Copy !req
79. It has all the elements
of a surprisingly beautiful thing.Copy !req
80. I think it's rubbish,
and I think it's a hollow victory,Copy !req
81. but you just brought
a pile of sand inCopy !req
82. and then tried some sort
of microscope bullshit on us.Copy !req
83. So, against all odds,
five points to Phil Wang.Copy !req
84. 'Let's get going. Proper tasks.
Yes. OK, then. And as a little
tribute to your number one hobby,Copy !req
85. this task involves counting money.
Ready? Mm-mm!Copy !req
86. Hi, Phil.Copy !req
87. Swear box.Copy !req
88. That can fuck off for a start.Copy !req
89. 'That's a red rag to a bull, that is,
to me, a swear box.
Pissing little slotty red shit.Copy !req
90. Put the most money
in the small bowl.Copy !req
91. You may not touch the small bowl.Copy !req
92. The small bowl must not sink.Copy !req
93. Also, you must say your own name
at least once every 30 seconds.Copy !req
94. With pleasure.Copy !req
95. You have five minutes.Copy !req
96. 'The money in the small bowl
with the highest
total numerical value wins.Copy !req
97. Your time starts now.Copy !req
98. Pretty straightforward, then, Alex.
Coins into the bowl.Copy !req
99. They must not touch the little bowl.
They mustn't touch the little bowl.Copy !req
100. 'You must not touch the little bowl.
The little bowl must not sink. Ooh!Copy !req
101. It's the highest numerical value.
Right. OK?Copy !req
102. 'So a 50p piece is worth 50.
A £1 coin is worth one.
Yes. Alright? Got it.Copy !req
103. 'We're gonna start with either end
of the panel. Sweary Rhod
and wary James. Here we go.Copy !req
104. God, how do get into
a fucking swear box?Copy !req
105. 25.Copy !req
106. 'So a 50 is worth 50
and a £1 is worth one. They're all
foreign coins. I get you. Yeah.Copy !req
107. Ten. Ten.Copy !req
108. Er, 50. Right. OK.Copy !req
109. Five. 25. Er, Rhod Gilbert.Copy !req
110. James Acaster.Copy !req
111. 20. Is there anything bigger than
20? What have we got there? 100!Copy !req
112. 100 escudos. James Acaster.Copy !req
113. Ooh! Ooh! Ohh!Copy !req
114. James Acaster. Rhod Gilbert. 100!Copy !req
115. Ho-ho-ho! 50! Ho-ho-ho!Copy !req
116. That's gonna go under
if I put another one in.Copy !req
117. 20. Oh.Copy !req
118. Don't you dare!Copy !req
119. 'Am I allowed to touch it? No.
There's no touching the small bowl.
Hang on. I can touch the big bowl.Copy !req
120. No! Agh!Copy !req
121. How long have I got?
Oh, fucking hell!Copy !req
122. 'I mean, it sums up
how I did on the task, doesn't it?
A dead face in a bowl.Copy !req
123. Oh, shit! Rhod Gilbert. Done!
WHISTLE BLOWSCopy !req
124. 'HE SIGHS
God, I almost went wrong
in so many different ways.Copy !req
125. 'Explain yourself.
Two words, nervous breakdown.Copy !req
126. Simple as that. Every episode. Yeah.Copy !req
127. And when you were scooping things
out... Mm. Something delicate?Copy !req
128. 'Something delicate. "Oh,
I've got a delicate situation here,
involving a little bowl with water."Copy !req
129. 'What do you reach for?
A skull! Skull!Copy !req
130. The skull has holes in it
for the eyes and jawbones.Copy !req
131. I thought, "That'll drain it
as it's coming out."Copy !req
132. However, I neglected to notice
that the skullCopy !req
133. 'was slightly bigger
than the bowl opening.Copy !req
134. 'Do you wanna move on?
Yeah, I do, because somebody
must have done that better.Copy !req
135. 'Now, for those people who want
to see Phil and Jess together,
it's Jess and Phil.Copy !req
136. Here we go. Ready? Yes.Copy !req
137. Ah! 50.Copy !req
138. 100 colones.Copy !req
139. Phil Wang! Throwing in the coins!Copy !req
140. Is there a penalty for saying
my name too many times? No, no.Copy !req
141. Oh, Phil Wang. Philly Wang. Phil.
Phil Wang. Philip Wang.Copy !req
142. Oh, hundreds. 20.Copy !req
143. Oi! Oi! No! No! Ahh!Copy !req
144. Oh, man!Copy !req
145. Ten. Ten. Ten.Copy !req
146. It's not the time that's...Copy !req
147. WHISTLE BLOWSCopy !req
148. Shit!Copy !req
149. 'APPLAUSE
I have been genuinely traumatised
by the sight of Phil's genitals...Copy !req
150. ..in that costume.Copy !req
151. 'And I thought I'd sort of got used
to them, until I saw them magnified
through a goldfish bowl.Copy !req
152. Surprisingly beautiful, I thought.Copy !req
153. 'But what intrigued me is both of you
seemed genuinely shocked
when the bowl did sink.Copy !req
154. 'I'm an optimist.
I don't know what to say. It looked
well designed to withstand the load.Copy !req
155. 'Erm... Yeah.
But I gave it too much load.Copy !req
156. I...Copy !req
157. 'Phil is a trained engineer,
that's why he's using
all this technical terminology.Copy !req
158. OK. Now, stop. Just stop. Breathe.Copy !req
159. Take a break. Come back
when you've all calmed down. Go!Copy !req
160. Hello. It's Taskmaster
and it's the start of part two.Copy !req
161. 'So you know what that means.
It means that Alex gets to make
his special noise.Copy !req
162. Hurrrr!Copy !req
163. 'LAUGHTER
Now, what was happening
before the break?Copy !req
164. It was the money bowl task.
You know the one.Copy !req
165. 'There's a bowl in a fish bowl.
They put as much money in the little
bowl without it sinking.Copy !req
166. Oh, and so far, everyone has failed.Copy !req
167. But there's one person left,
one ray of hope, one Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
168. Ten. 20. Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
169. 30. 40.Copy !req
170. 50. 60. Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
171. 110. 100!Copy !req
172. 210. Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
173. I'm gonna go for
loads of these little friends.Copy !req
174. Kerry Godliman. Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
175. Ohhh!
Missed the bowl there.Copy !req
176. Is it worth getting? I think it is.Copy !req
177. I think it's worth getting it.
It's a really light one and it's...Copy !req
178. OK, I'm stopping. Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
179. 'Well,
we're gonna have to wait two and a
half minutes to see if that sinks.Copy !req
180. Oh, really?Copy !req
181. It's not gonna sink. Staring at it
is not changing anything.Copy !req
182. 'Putting any more money in?
Well, no, because then it will sink.
Right. I see.Copy !req
183. Kerry Godliman. Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
184. Five seconds left, Kerry Godliman.
Kerry Godliman. Five seconds.Copy !req
185. Kerry Godliman. Four.
Kerry Godliman. Two.Copy !req
186. Kerry Godliman. One.Copy !req
187. 'WHISTLE BLOWS
Thank you, Kerry. OK. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.Copy !req
188. It's the Kerry Godliman system.
It's the most obvious route.Copy !req
189. 'It's direct... Yes.
.. and it gets the job done.
Absolutely. Bosh! Bosh!Copy !req
190. In many ways, you are
the Grand Master of this show.Copy !req
191. 'Wow! Well, that's praise indeed.
Yeah. Because you don't think.Copy !req
192. I do think! That's not a fluke,
that's brains, mate!Copy !req
193. Yeah. Your system works. And I'm
complimenting you. Thank you.Copy !req
194. 'Do you have compliments
for the rest of us?Copy !req
195. 'Not for you, skull boy.
Do you wanna score it?Copy !req
196. Five points for the bosh queen,
Kerry Godliman. OK. Five to Kerry.Copy !req
197. Everyone else? Zero. Oh, what?Copy !req
198. 'Kerry Godliman wins the task.
Five, nil, nil, nil, nil.Copy !req
199. 'What are the scores?
Kerry's in the lead at the moment
with seven points.Copy !req
200. 'CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Look, I wanna give out some more
points. Let's have some more tasks.Copy !req
201. 'OK, then. Here's a confusing one
for you that will mean different
things to different people.Copy !req
202. Hello. Hello.Copy !req
203. Fez.Copy !req
204. Ooh! A fez!Copy !req
205. 'What the fez? A little joke
to start us off. No, I liked it.
Jot that down. I was laughing.Copy !req
206. 'Quite close.
Fez is quite close to what the...
Yeah, no, I got it. Yeah?Copy !req
207. Be photographed in the most
unusual situation wearing this fez.Copy !req
208. 'You have eight weeks!
Your time starts now.Copy !req
209. I didn't know that they were soft.
I thought they were hard.Copy !req
210. Like a flower pot? Yeah. Yeah. I did
think they were like a flower pot.Copy !req
211. 'And I take the fez. I need the fez.
That's your fez, now.
It's key, isn't it, the fez?Copy !req
212. See you soon. Goodbye, Kerry.
Bye-bye.Copy !req
213. Hi, Alex. Oh, hello, Phil.Copy !req
214. Hello, James.Copy !req
215. Hula.Copy !req
216. Hula. You have one minute.
Your time starts now.Copy !req
217. 'What? A split task.
Yes. We divided them up. We've got
the children and the grownups.Copy !req
218. 'LAUGHTER
Shall we start with Jess's
fez adventure? Yeah. Yes.Copy !req
219. I'm wearing a fez in...
the cockpit of an aeroplane!Copy !req
220. 'With a pilot, genuinely, who when
I asked to go into the cockpit,Copy !req
221. he went,
"Oh, that's weird, my name is Fez."Copy !req
222. 'It is completely true. We see his
name badge is Andrew Ferrington.
Andy Ferrington. Andy Ferrington!Copy !req
223. 'AKA, Fez. Well, I think it's not
a bad attempt to have a picture
with you and Andy Ferrington.Copy !req
224. 'LAUGHTER
I invited Fez down. No-one has
called that man Fez in his life.Copy !req
225. Fez! Yep!Copy !req
226. Thank you!Copy !req
227. 'Would you like to see
Kerry's fez picture? Yes,
I want to see Kerry's fez picture.Copy !req
228. I went back in time. Ooh!Copy !req
229. I did. I found a portalCopy !req
230. and I went back
to oldy worldy times.Copy !req
231. Tudory times.Copy !req
232. Wow!Copy !req
233. That's me in the past.Copy !req
234. 'I'm not a historian, Kerry,
but does Tudory times
cover a very specific period?Copy !req
235. 'I wasn't asked about that. I was
just asked to have my picture taken
in a fez in an unusual situation.Copy !req
236. So I fulfilled my brief. Bosh!Copy !req
237. Rhodri? Yeah. I think you'll agree
this is an unusual situation.Copy !req
238. Ohhh!Copy !req
239. Oh-ho!Copy !req
240. 'I haven't looked round yet, but if
this is a fez superimposed on top
of a picture of me looking fat...Copy !req
241. Oh, Jesus Christ!
You traitorous old woman!Copy !req
242. Who is that, Greg?Copy !req
243. As you well know, it's my mother.Copy !req
244. And she's here tonight! She is.Copy !req
245. Oh!Copy !req
246. As it's an unusual task,
the maximum point is three.Copy !req
247. 'I mean, the truth is,
we've gotta stick to the rules.
Yep. Rhod's not wearing the fez.Copy !req
248. 'Are you gonna give him any points?
I'll give him one point
because I love my mum.Copy !req
249. 'AUDIENCE: Aww! I would give Kerry
more, but something tells me
she hasn't been back in time.Copy !req
250. There's inaccuracies in that picture
that says that she actually wentCopy !req
251. to a company who do pictures
for people on bad stag dos.Copy !req
252. I went back in time. I'll give her
two points. Two to Kerry.Copy !req
253. 'And I'm gonna give Jess
three points,
purely because Fez is a legend.Copy !req
254. Yeah!Copy !req
255. Fezzie!Copy !req
256. Are you ready for the hula-hoopers?
Am I!Copy !req
257. So, they were told to hula for one
minute. This is what they did.Copy !req
258. I've never been able to hula-hoop.Copy !req
259. Oh, that's alright. That's OK, that.Copy !req
260. Ow! Hurts! Hurts!Copy !req
261. I've never done this before.
This is a first.Copy !req
262. WHISTLE BLOWS
Thank you.Copy !req
263. Improve your hulaing.
Greatest improvement wins.Copy !req
264. You have until the studio shows.
Your time starts now.Copy !req
265. 'I don't know if anyone else
found that as traumatic as I did.Copy !req
266. I could not take my eyes off it.
You didn't have a choice.Copy !req
267. It doesn't matter sometimes
how ornate the grandfather clock is,Copy !req
268. the pendulum draws the eye.Copy !req
269. 'Are we basically saying that James
has got to do more than six seconds
to win this task?Copy !req
270. Well, it depends how many more
seconds than 57 Wang does.Copy !req
271. It's who improves the most.Copy !req
272. Let's see how they do right now.Copy !req
273. Oooh!Copy !req
274. Ooh!
You can have one attempt at this.Copy !req
275. When I blow my whistle,
please start hulaing.Copy !req
276. Greatest improvement wins.
WHISTLE BLOWSCopy !req
277. Hula!Copy !req
278. WHISTLE BLOWSCopy !req
279. WHISTLE BLOWS
Oh, fuck!Copy !req
280. I've been practising so much!Copy !req
281. I've been practising so much.Copy !req
282. 'I'm really good now.
I am really good.Copy !req
283. I got nervous. I got nervous.
I'm really good now.Copy !req
284. I'm really good.Copy !req
285. I mean, it is impressive, isn't it?Copy !req
286. It's such a shame
we've gotta take his first attempt.Copy !req
287. 'You could just take his second
attempt, I would suggest.
Which was spectacular.Copy !req
288. Them's the rules, I'm afraid. So,
from the start of the spinning...Copy !req
289. Yep. .. Phil, one and a half seconds.Copy !req
290. James Acaster... Yep?
.. five seconds.Copy !req
291. 'Oh, my God!
And it's greatest improvement.
A maximum of three points again.Copy !req
292. It's completely up to you, Greg.
Oh, God!Copy !req
293. I don't think Phil Wang
has practised hula-hooping once.Copy !req
294. 'LAUGHTER
But I'm gonna give him one point
regardless.Copy !req
295. 'I am going to deem it
that James Acaster has made
the most improvement,Copy !req
296. but I can't give him full marks,
so I'm going to give him two marks.Copy !req
297. There. It's done. Two points to
James Acaster! Ready, Alex? Always.Copy !req
298. One, two, three... Break.Copy !req
299. Hello. Welcome back to Taskmaster.Copy !req
300. Right, little Alex Horne,
I for one would like another task.Copy !req
301. 'And I for one
would like to give you one.Copy !req
302. Hello, Rhod. Done a wash?
These are all Greg's socks.Copy !req
303. Find the sock with a satsuma inside.Copy !req
304. You may not look inside
any of the socks.Copy !req
305. You may squeeze five socks...Copy !req
306. Stroke ten socks and sniff 20 socks.
My rules every day, anyway.Copy !req
307. Ohh! So many things.Copy !req
308. You may put your hand
inside three socks.Copy !req
309. You may put 11 socks on your feet.Copy !req
310. Fastest wins. Your time starts now.Copy !req
311. Erm, I'm a little bit irritated.Copy !req
312. Someone appears to have graffitied
on the side of my caravan.Copy !req
313. 'That was awkward.
So, I obviously put the satsuma
in the eighth one along,Copy !req
314. the big 8 was to remind me that's
the one it was, but I left it up.Copy !req
315. 'If any of them had looked back
at any point, that would've been
so annoying. They would've seen.Copy !req
316. He's angry about the hulaing. You're
not angry about that, are you?Copy !req
317. 'Oh, no, I calmed down about that,
then Jess pointed that out, and now
I remember that I hate this show.Copy !req
318. The first satsuma hunters we're
gonna see are Rhod, James and...Copy !req
319. sorry, aren't Rhod, James and Kerry.Copy !req
320. Here's Jess and Phil!Copy !req
321. It doesn't say you can't look in it.
Are you sure? What's the first line?Copy !req
322. 'You may not look inside
any of the socks.Copy !req
323. You have no more strikes.
No more strikes.Copy !req
324. Urgh. I think this one's been worn.
They've all been worn.Copy !req
325. Oh, have they? They're Greg's socks.Copy !req
326. Ohhh.Copy !req
327. Yes! Yes!Copy !req
328. Not satsuma!Copy !req
329. Could be.Copy !req
330. Still no.Copy !req
331. Could be a satsuma.Copy !req
332. I can put them on my feet now.Copy !req
333. Guys! What is it?Copy !req
334. That's a bloody egg!Copy !req
335. Cos... Agh. My foot's become
so cold, I can't actually feel it.Copy !req
336. Ohhh!Copy !req
337. That's a satsuma.Copy !req
338. Bingo.Copy !req
339. Ohhh! I think this is a satsuma.Copy !req
340. What have you found?Copy !req
341. A lime!Copy !req
342. Oh, God. Unlucky, Phil.Copy !req
343. Has anyone in cinema history
been so...Copy !req
344. 'LAUGHTER
.. passionate about
tossing a lime into the air?Copy !req
345. Lime!Copy !req
346. I got citrus.
That's as close as I got.Copy !req
347. You largely were listening
for the fruit.Copy !req
348. 'LAUGHTER
You did use your foot in the end
because you said,Copy !req
349. "The foot is just
the hand of the leg."Copy !req
350. Oh, that's poetic. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
351. 21 minutes and 10 seconds
to find a lime. A what?Copy !req
352. A lime!Copy !req
353. I mean, was there only one egg
in the socks?Copy !req
354. 'No! Oh, yes. There was one egg in 50
socks. She found that with her foot.Copy !req
355. You sniffed it out with your
leg hand, though, didn't you? Yeah!Copy !req
356. It was quite difficult
to find that it was a satsumaCopy !req
357. with your leg hand,Copy !req
358. cos I'd never rolled a satsuma
onto my leg hand before.Copy !req
359. I feel like I've been popping pills.Copy !req
360. Have you ever rolled a satsuma
onto your leg hand before?Copy !req
361. She took 16 minutes and 56 seconds,Copy !req
362. but succeeded, so she is currently
in the lead. OK, good.Copy !req
363. Next up, it's James and Kerry.Copy !req
364. 'How many socks are there?
Great question. There's a lot,
aren't there? Oh, God.Copy !req
365. It's not this one. How do you know?Copy !req
366. That does not look like a satsuma
to me. OK.Copy !req
367. Get in the bath.Copy !req
368. That is a tennis ball.
Not that one, that's a tennis ball.Copy !req
369. Oh-ho!
That's a goddamn snooker ball!Copy !req
370. That wasn't a satsuma.Copy !req
371. That wasn't a satsuma.Copy !req
372. That could've been a satsuma.Copy !req
373. This is a tennis ball. This is a
tennis ball. This is a tennis ball.Copy !req
374. 'You've got 19 sniffs left.
I never thought anyone would
say that to me in my whole life.Copy !req
375. Not that one.Copy !req
376. This is demeaning.Copy !req
377. That's not a satsuma.
I swear to God. This isn't one.Copy !req
378. Suck it. I think it's a satsuma.Copy !req
379. Well done, Kerry.Copy !req
380. Nice to add to your vast collection
of catchphrases during that task.Copy !req
381. "This is demeaning." That'll really
catch on. "Get in the bath."Copy !req
382. "Suck it" is one we've seen before.
Yeah. But I always enjoy it.Copy !req
383. Also, with the satsuma,
works on two levels.Copy !req
384. 'LAUGHTER
James seemed fairly impressive
to me.Copy !req
385. He took the same amount of time it
takes me to wake you up with kisses,Copy !req
386. 9 minutes and 34 seconds.Copy !req
387. Not bad.Copy !req
388. Erm, Kerry, I think I've been a bit
mean about your approach to tasks.Copy !req
389. I thought that seemed
very sophisticated.Copy !req
390. 'LAUGHTER
And then, when you'd ruled out
certain things,Copy !req
391. got the old tennis racket, bosh!Copy !req
392. Which is brilliant because
they hurt their hands. I didn't.Copy !req
393. 'I will say, also,
both of them used their eyes,
which is more than Phil did.Copy !req
394. 'Yeah, interesting.
They looked at the socks.Copy !req
395. Interesting.
Why not listen for the fruit?Copy !req
396. The eyes of the side of the head.Copy !req
397. You wanna know how Kerry did?
8 minutes 40. Oooh!Copy !req
398. A minute quicker than James,
so in the lead. One left to see.Copy !req
399. 'It's always scary
when you leave Rhod till last.Copy !req
400. He does crazy shit. Yeah.Copy !req
401. Ready for Rhod?
Yes, please. Here we go.Copy !req
402. Cor! Somebody's done a job on this.Copy !req
403. This isn't as easy as I thought.Copy !req
404. This is...Copy !req
405. 'I was going for scissors,
but as luck would have it,
I found a tangerine in the kitchen.Copy !req
406. You think this is the sock
with the satsuma in? Yeah.Copy !req
407. Yeah, I'm pretty sure,
I just put a satsuma in it.Copy !req
408. Can I check and see if you're...
Yeah. There you go.Copy !req
409. Yeah, it didn't say
exclusively with a satsuma in it.Copy !req
410. OK. Thank you. Thanks, Rhod.Copy !req
411. Well, let's just establish the time
that he found a satsuma in a sock.Copy !req
412. 2 minutes 31.
Did he find a satsuma in a sock?Copy !req
413. I would say he didn't find it.Copy !req
414. Yeah. You've gotta lose something
to find it.Copy !req
415. 'What if you put them on the side
and forgot about them?
Cos Rhod's the same age as me,Copy !req
416. it's entirely feasible that
he put that satsuma in the sockCopy !req
417. and then forgot and then found it.Copy !req
418. 'I was as surprised as anyone
when it fell out.Copy !req
419. You can't put it in yourself.
Come on. That's a proper...Copy !req
420. 'You've gotta admit, that was clever.
Funny who you're prepared to bend
for, isn't it, you fucking...Copy !req
421. 'LAUGHTER
Do you know what?
I can't believe this shit!Copy !req
422. "Oh, oh, whatever,
it was my friend."Copy !req
423. Yeah! Ohh, I've never been accused
of bias before.Copy !req
424. Good for you! And you got two points
for that hula-hoop bullshit.Copy !req
425. Ohh! Ohh, and it felt so good.Copy !req
426. 'LAUGHTER
Oh, please give me another
two points for the hula-hoop!Copy !req
427. Give me eight weeks of my life back,
how does that sound?Copy !req
428. James, do you remember how I backed
you on the hula-hoop thing?Copy !req
429. I was right behind you.Copy !req
430. Yeah, well, now you can back into
a satsuma and shove it up your arse.Copy !req
431. This has taken a very nasty turn.Copy !req
432. 'LAUGHTER
So what I'm gonna say here
is that no-one's won that.Copy !req
433. 'Because of all this?
Because of all this shit.Copy !req
434. 'Two joint seconds. Rhod and Kerry
in joint second with four points.
Indeed.Copy !req
435. Then we go to James with three
points. Yep. And Jess with twoCopy !req
436. and Phil with a... Lime!
OK, there we go.Copy !req
437. Rhod and Kerry come second!Copy !req
438. Score update, please. OK, very
quickly, Phil in the series has 115.Copy !req
439. He's still last, weirdly.Copy !req
440. James, 140. Rhod, 150.Copy !req
441. Kerry, 153. Jess still
just in the lead with 155.Copy !req
442. It's still tight. Oooh! Yeah!Copy !req
443. This episode,
it's not quite so tight.Copy !req
444. 'Phil and Rhod are joint last
with six, but out in the lead,
it's Kerry with 13! Yay!Copy !req
445. Bosh!Copy !req
446. Good. Can we squeeze in some more
task excitement, Alex?Copy !req
447. You can, but sadly, it's the final
team task of the series.Copy !req
448. Welcome. Thanks. Thanks.Copy !req
449. 'Looking forward to another task,
we are. I think I can speak
for all of us. Yeah, we are.Copy !req
450. Oh, God. Oh, what's happening now?
Shall I get that?Copy !req
451. I... I can't condone that.
That could've hurt somebody.Copy !req
452. Achieve a rally of exactly 24 shots.Copy !req
453. You must each take the same amount
of shots. That's easy.Copy !req
454. 'You must be stood at least 6 foot
8 inches apart from one another.
Oh, God!Copy !req
455. The Taskmaster is 6 foot 8,
presumably.Copy !req
456. 'The object struck may neither
touch the ground nor be held
at any point during the rally.Copy !req
457. So it's tennis. We play tennis and
have a rally. I can't play tennis.Copy !req
458. 'There is a bonus point for the team
that uses the most ambitious
equipment.Copy !req
459. Fastest wins. Your time starts now!Copy !req
460. Why would you rush "the time starts
now"? I always delay it. Er...Copy !req
461. 'Do you? Yeah, I delay it to give
myself some thinking time.
I wish I'd known that.Copy !req
462. Only mild irritation
from James thereCopy !req
463. 'in that some blood
remained in his face.Copy !req
464. 'Kerry just said to me, "Well,
at least we didn't have Rhod."Copy !req
465. Awwww!Copy !req
466. No, no, no!
Don't pity him! You don't know. No!Copy !req
467. 'Do some team tasks with him
and then see how you feel.Copy !req
468. 'OK, do you wanna see the rally?
Yeah, let's just get amongst it. I
can't wait. Here are Kerry and Jess.Copy !req
469. What should we use as rackets?Copy !req
470. I think these trays are quite good.
Trays are good.Copy !req
471. We have to measure the 6 foot
fucking 8. How tall are you?Copy !req
472. '5 foot 2. So, half of you
is two and a half. Half of me?Copy !req
473. 'You lie down. So we're having
all of you and half of me.Copy !req
474. Yeah, but how are we measuring it?
Here. Here's half of me.Copy !req
475. One. That's too weird.Copy !req
476. CLATTERINGCopy !req
477. I feel like this is ambitious.Copy !req
478. It's stupid.
It's not ambitious, it's stupid.Copy !req
479. One.Copy !req
480. One. Two. Fuck.
The sun's in my eyes!Copy !req
481. One, two, three. Ohh.Copy !req
482. Five. Ohh.Copy !req
483. This is worse than the ukuleles.
One.Copy !req
484. Oh, we've really blown this.Copy !req
485. One. Two. Three. Four.Copy !req
486. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine.Copy !req
487. Ten. 11. 12.Copy !req
488. 13. 14. 15. 16.Copy !req
489. 17. 18. 19. 20.Copy !req
490. 21. 22. 23. 24. Yes!
Leave it! Leave it! Yes!Copy !req
491. Can I go and have a lie down? Yes.Copy !req
492. And this is the greatest opening
to any sport. "One. Two. Fuck."Copy !req
493. So, using balls and trays, they did
it in 12 minutes and 49 seconds.Copy !req
494. 'Well, it's a starting point.
Not a bad start.Copy !req
495. 'Right, it's the final break
of the show before the final part
of the show.Copy !req
496. I want you to stay exactly
where you are, thank you!Copy !req
497. Oh, hello! Welcome back
to the last part of Taskmaster.Copy !req
498. Not long to go until somebody
legs it home with the placenta.Copy !req
499. But first, Alex Horne.
Hello, Greg. How are you?Copy !req
500. 'A rally, that's what
they were trying to achieve.
A rally of exactly 24 shotsCopy !req
501. with a bonus point for
the most ambitious equipment used.Copy !req
502. Here are the men having a go.Copy !req
503. Is that correct? That? No,
that's not. He's taller than that.Copy !req
504. If we put a hat on him, it's
probably about right, I reckon.Copy !req
505. That's the man. Yeah.
How tall are you? 6'1.Copy !req
506. Right, you lie on it, then.
Why is that still there?Copy !req
507. 'And put your feet where his are.
Why am I lying down with a hat on?
Hang on.Copy !req
508. 'It says fastest wins, and right now,
I'm lying down with a top hat on.Copy !req
509. 'Kick it over the shed.
Start with one of us blindfolded
and then go from there.Copy !req
510. One!Copy !req
511. 'Oh, Phil!
Honestly.Copy !req
512. 'You've gone too ambitious.
I've gone...Copy !req
513. I thought you wanted ambitious.
You've gone too ambitious.Copy !req
514. 'We can just use the shed.
It doesn't actually go
anywhere near the ground.Copy !req
515. OK.Copy !req
516. That sounded bad.Copy !req
517. Right, this is the one. One. Two.Copy !req
518. Three. Four. Five.Copy !req
519. Six. Seven.Copy !req
520. Eight. Nine. Ten.Copy !req
521. 11. 12. Come on!Copy !req
522. 13.Copy !req
523. 14. 15.Copy !req
524. 16. 17.
James has gotta get one less.Copy !req
525. 18. 19. 20.Copy !req
526. 21. 22. 23. Give it back to me.Copy !req
527. Yes!
Stop the clock. Yes! Good times.Copy !req
528. 'If I could, I would award the bonus
point for Phil's blindfold.Copy !req
529. 'It's interesting
that you spent so long trying
to work out what 6 foot 8 was.Copy !req
530. I wonder if that paid off
in the long run, did it?Copy !req
531. Well, the shed was 6 foot 6 wide.Copy !req
532. They also had to strike it
exactly the same number of times.Copy !req
533. 'During the bit we just saw,
you counted to 24
but you got to 27 in total.Copy !req
534. 'During the first 27, you hit it
seven times, Phil eight, James nine.Copy !req
535. Also, you were seven minutes slower.Copy !req
536. Another agonising decision for me.Copy !req
537. Jess and Kerry, pretty excellent.Copy !req
538. So five points each. OK. Well done.Copy !req
539. But I think the bag of monkeys
that is the boys' team,Copy !req
540. 'they did attempt something a bit
more ambitious, so I'm gonna give
them a point each. Let it be done.Copy !req
541. Five to the girls, one to the boys!Copy !req
542. 'Please can you all stay
where the heck you are
for the final task of the show.Copy !req
543. Oooh.Copy !req
544. And as if by magic,
something's appeared.Copy !req
545. 'What is going on here, Alex?
Well, it's the studio task.
Jess is gonna read it out.Copy !req
546. Write your name
and draw a picture of a happy horseCopy !req
547. on your overhead projector acetate
upside down.Copy !req
548. You must not rotate
or manipulate your acetate.Copy !req
549. You have 100 seconds.Copy !req
550. 'Most accurate picture and writing
when your acetate
is overhead-projected wins.Copy !req
551. 'LAUGHTER
Wow.
It's a happy horse and your name.Copy !req
552. You've gotta do it upside down,
though.Copy !req
553. 'But when we project it,
we want it to be projected the right
way up as accurately as possible.Copy !req
554. 'And please,
I would ask the audience,
cheer as if you're watching footballCopy !req
555. 'because that will amuse me
while they do this.Copy !req
556. WHISTLE BLOWS
Let's do this, Alex!Copy !req
557. He's copying. He's copying.Copy !req
558. Oh, no!Copy !req
559. Five! Four! Three!Copy !req
560. Two! One!
WHISTLE BLOWSCopy !req
561. Feel the rush.Copy !req
562. 'It's been a long time
since I saw someone trying to copy
someone else's work.Copy !req
563. 'LAUGHTER
I thought, "Is this a trick,
cos when you put them on there,Copy !req
564. does it flick them upside down?
So if we do them upside down..."Copy !req
565. 'Alex will talk you through that now.
Remember,
I'm putting it on upside down,Copy !req
566. 'so hopefully they did it upside
down. Yep. And it will look the
right way up. Correct. Here we go.Copy !req
567. OK, this is Rhod's. How accurate...Copy !req
568. So, Rhod Gilbert is a huge success.Copy !req
569. Mm-hm. I want to question
whether that is a horseCopy !req
570. and whether that horse is happy.Copy !req
571. Yeah. Teeth, nose,
eyes, eyelashes, ears,Copy !req
572. legs out to the side,
big tongue hanging out.Copy !req
573. Ah, yeah, it's a happy horse. Tick!
Who next? Phil Wang?Copy !req
574. It says Phil... What's the...
Oh, that's Chinese for Wang.Copy !req
575. It's easier to draw upside down.
Ohh!Copy !req
576. Oooh!Copy !req
577. 'Your horse is demonstrating
his happiness with a big smile.
That's nice. Kerry.Copy !req
578. You alright? That's my name in...Copy !req
579. .. gobbledegook.Copy !req
580. 'I'm amazed I'm saying this. That's
probably the best horse so far.
Thank you.Copy !req
581. 'I presume it's a very thin horse,
all of its legs
one behind the other.Copy !req
582. OK, here we go. Jessica Knappett.Copy !req
583. 'There's a fine line between happy
and deranged, isn't there?Copy !req
584. Oh, I know!Copy !req
585. He's so happy... She!Copy !req
586. She's so happy that she's dislocated
her lower jaw.Copy !req
587. OK.
Last one. Ready for James Acaster's?Copy !req
588. Wow!Copy !req
589. 'He's been practising that
for eight weeks!Copy !req
590. I mean, fair play to the boy.
Can't fault it. Both names.Copy !req
591. And that, man, that's a happy horse.Copy !req
592. Alex, take your seat.
I'll make a quick decision. OK.Copy !req
593. 'I thought that he did the name very
well, but it was by far the worst
horse in that it wasn't ahorse.Copy !req
594. It was a horse's face!
How do you know it's you?Copy !req
595. I'm giving Rhod two points. Two
points to Rhod Gilbert. Yes, indeed.Copy !req
596. Kerry's horse was an improvement
on actual horses.Copy !req
597. 'SHE LAUGHS
Why would they wanna have
two of their legs side by side?Copy !req
598. Stick them all in a big row.Copy !req
599. I'd like to see that racing. She got
her name entirely incorrectly,Copy !req
600. but I'm going to give her
three points. OK, three points.Copy !req
601. Jessica and Phil,
I'm grouping you together.Copy !req
602. I got my name right.
But my horse was really happy.Copy !req
603. Yeah.Copy !req
604. I'm giving you four points. James,
he got both of his names correctCopy !req
605. 'and it was the happiest
and the best horse.
James Acaster gets five points!Copy !req
606. 'CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Let's have a sting
to get rid of the propsCopy !req
607. and then we'll find out
the final scores!Copy !req
608. How was that, Alex?Copy !req
609. It was very artistic
and very satisfying. Wasn't it?Copy !req
610. Thanks to those scores,Copy !req
611. 'there was now
just three points in it
at the top of the series scoreboard.Copy !req
612. Ooooh!Copy !req
613. And in this episode,
there's just 12 points...Copy !req
614. 'LAUGHTER
This episode is not close.
Rhod is at the bottom with nine,Copy !req
615. but at the top with 21 points,
it's Kerry Godliman!Copy !req
616. Ohhhh!Copy !req
617. I get the placenta!Copy !req
618. 'Kerry Godliman is the winner!
Please go and rejoice in your
surprisingly beautiful winnings!Copy !req
619. 'So, what have we learnt today? We've
learnt that if you're struggling
to achieve something inlife,Copy !req
620. maybe it's time
to think outside the box,Copy !req
621. use your foot, the hand of the leg,Copy !req
622. or use your ear,
the eye of the head.Copy !req
623. And if all fails, use A LIME!Copy !req
624. And of course, we've learnt
that Kerry Godliman won the show.Copy !req
625. 'Thank you for watching.
Good night and see you next time
for the grand final!Copy !req