1. BELLOWSCopy !req
2. Ah!Copy !req
3. Woo-oh!Copy !req
4. BLASTS HORNCopy !req
5. No!Copy !req
6. Arghh!Copy !req
7. Aghhhh!Copy !req
8. Hello!Copy !req
9. How are you? I'm fine, thanks.
You're looking well.Copy !req
10. I'm Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster.Copy !req
11. There are five comedians hungry
to stoke the fire of thisCopy !req
12. competition and commence battle
immediately.Copy !req
13. So who am I to stop them?
I'm the Taskmaster, that's who!Copy !req
14. But I'm also just a regular
nice guy. So, here they are.Copy !req
15. Your five fearless fighters.Copy !req
16. James Acaster!Copy !req
17. Jessica Knappett!Copy !req
18. Kerry Godliman!Copy !req
19. Phil Wang!Copy !req
20. And Rhod Gilbert!Copy !req
21. And still very much keeping
the dream alive...Copy !req
22. that he might be a late bloomer...
It's little Alex Horne!Copy !req
23. I can get on here by myself.
I can get on here by myself. I can.Copy !req
24. Looking a little sheepish tonight.Copy !req
25. Not comfortable.Copy !req
26. Yes. You're not comfortable because
you're being punishedCopy !req
27. for the last episode.Copy !req
28. Can I tell them what you've done?
No, you can't.Copy !req
29. They'll find out soon enough.
It's horrible. Good.Copy !req
30. Let's start the competition.Copy !req
31. Prize task? Yes. Prize task, OK.Copy !req
32. And kindly suggested by Greg
in honour of me, you said,Copy !req
33. me, Mr Alex Horne.Copy !req
34. Today's prize category
is "the creepiest thing".Copy !req
35. You're going to award the owner
of the creepiest thingCopy !req
36. five enormous points and at the end
of this very show,Copy !req
37. the overall winner will get to take
on all five creepy things!Copy !req
38. Right, James Acaster.Copy !req
39. I imagine you've brought
in a really creepy thing?Copy !req
40. I come from a town called Kettering
in Northamptonshire.Copy !req
41. In Kettering there's a museum called
the Manor House Museum andCopy !req
42. the main attraction in the Manor
House Museum is a mummified cat.Copy !req
43. Alex, please.Copy !req
44. Here's the mummified cat.Copy !req
45. God!Copy !req
46. Oh, my God!Copy !req
47. It is a mummified cat that was found
in a wall in a building inCopy !req
48. Kettering. In the past it was good
luck to keep a cat in the walls.Copy !req
49. A live one? Actually,
that wasn't specified.Copy !req
50. A really strong start. It's creepy.Copy !req
51. And it's the first thing ever that's
made a want to visit Kettering!Copy !req
52. Kerry, what's the creepy thing
you've brought in?Copy !req
53. This is a thing that a man was
wearing on a train sat opposite me.Copy !req
54. And he maintained eye contact
with me for four tube stops.Copy !req
55. Long time. Yeah.
It was this T-shirt here.Copy !req
56. GROANS, LAUGHTERCopy !req
57. Is it the lack of apostrophe
you object to?Copy !req
58. Really creepy. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
59. I just can't imagine it ever
working. As in, "OK. Go on, then.Copy !req
60. "Off we go! Get the stirrups!
I'm game!"Copy !req
61. Phil, what creepy thing
did you bring in?Copy !req
62. So, erm, my creepiest thing is
a finger portrait of myselfCopy !req
63. that I was given by someone
who came to one of my shows.Copy !req
64. Here is the painting.Copy !req
65. Oh! It's quite good.Copy !req
66. But...Copy !req
67. That's amazing, Phil!Copy !req
68. Well, so, it was in Newcastle,
which is creepy. Oh!Copy !req
69. What happened to the old castle?Copy !req
70. I'll give you it is a good picture,
objectively speaking.Copy !req
71. But it was the idea of him sitting
on his own and just strokingCopy !req
72. the contours of my face.Copy !req
73. Around the jaw and over the lips and
just going, "Here you are, Phil."Copy !req
74. It's not very creepy, though.
I think it's nice.Copy !req
75. It's a lovely picture. Oh!Copy !req
76. Would you like to see Jessica...?
Jessica Knappett.Copy !req
77. It's quite simply my collection of
Victorian Christmas cards.Copy !req
78. OK. Here they are,
the Victorian Christmas cards.Copy !req
79. These are Christmas cards? Yes.
Right. So, top left - dead robin.Copy !req
80. Er, frog shagging a beetle.Copy !req
81. Creepy. Pretty creepy stuff.
Pretty creepy!Copy !req
82. I mean, it's not a cat in a wall.
I'll give you that. No.Copy !req
83. One left. Oh, no! What?Copy !req
84. Every single one of the prize tasks
for this whole series... Oh, that.Copy !req
85. ..it has essentially been a picture
of me looking fat or...Copy !req
86. So given the title
Creepiest Thing...Copy !req
87. Well, this is a rare occasionCopy !req
88. where I'm not entering
that picture of you.Copy !req
89. It's not a picture of me at all?
It's not a picture of you at all.Copy !req
90. It is a short film.Copy !req
91. Would you like to see the film?Copy !req
92. Yeah.Copy !req
93. Wow! Wow!Copy !req
94. Wow!Copy !req
95. That actually made me feel dirty.Copy !req
96. I saw you out.Copy !req
97. No, you didn't.Copy !req
98. Fuckin' hell!Copy !req
99. The orgy one is quite nice.Copy !req
100. There's one point where you go,
"A-pi-pi-pi!"Copy !req
101. Ready? Yes. Least creepy... I mean,
the perfectly nice picture of Phil.Copy !req
102. It should have a creepier face.
One point to Phil.Copy !req
103. Just because they're cards and
I could just turn them over,Copy !req
104. I'm going to give Jess two points.Copy !req
105. Two points, OK. Yeah.
Fourth place.Copy !req
106. I'm going to jump James up.Copy !req
107. I'm going to give him four points,
cos that is a creepy cat. Yes.Copy !req
108. And good luck to Kettering.Copy !req
109. If that's the best you've got,
Jesus Christ!Copy !req
110. Let's just turn Kettering
into a car park!Copy !req
111. OK. One to Phil, two to Jess,
four to James.Copy !req
112. I mean, without question,Copy !req
113. the creepiest thing for me is that
this idiot has hid in my...Copy !req
114. .. has hid in my wardrobe.Copy !req
115. But a T-shirt that creepy
can't go unpunished.Copy !req
116. I'm going to give them five points
each. Both get five points!Copy !req
117. Fair enough.Copy !req
118. Creeps!Copy !req
119. What task have we got next, Alex?Copy !req
120. Well, if you go down to
the woods today, let's see.Copy !req
121. Hello, Rhod. Hiya.Copy !req
122. Hi, James.Copy !req
123. Eugh!Copy !req
124. I'm scared!Copy !req
125. What is this place? It's a grotto.Copy !req
126. What do you think a grotto is?
It's...Copy !req
127. It's what Santa is, isn't it?
I don't think Santa would come here.Copy !req
128. Where is the task, Alex?
It's on its way.Copy !req
129. Right.Copy !req
130. "Poke something out of the hole
in the roof of this grotto."Copy !req
131. "Least expected thing
poked through wins."Copy !req
132. "You have 20 minutes.
Time starts now."Copy !req
133. Poke something out of the hole...Copy !req
134. There won't be a pound shop nearby,
is there? Are you on Amazon Prime?Copy !req
135. Haven't got my phone.Copy !req
136. Who are we going to see first?Copy !req
137. Well, first, we're going to see
a man who will very soonCopy !req
138. go by the nickname J-Caster.
It's J-Caster. Here we go.Copy !req
139. Poke something through the hole
of the grotto.Copy !req
140. Right. I know what it's going to be.Copy !req
141. OK. But these guys have
to stop filming me.Copy !req
142. You want me to call the cameras off?Copy !req
143. All the cameras off!
This is going to be unexpected!Copy !req
144. Fun's over!Copy !req
145. Right, I'm ready.Copy !req
146. The cameras are back on, James.Copy !req
147. Filming's back on!Copy !req
148. This is genius.Copy !req
149. Only advice I can give the
Taskmaster for this one -Copy !req
150. expect the unexpected, baby.Copy !req
151. Could you tell him that?Copy !req
152. You want to tell him to expect
the unexpected? Baby!Copy !req
153. OK. Here it comes!Copy !req
154. Do you get extra points
for a song? No.Copy !req
155. Well, that's a waste of time.Copy !req
156. I wasn't expecting
that beautiful song.Copy !req
157. I'll be honest.Copy !req
158. As soon as I was holding my pants
on a stick, I genuinely went crazy.Copy !req
159. Yeah.Copy !req
160. Do you want to give us a bit more
of Pants on a Stick?Copy !req
161. Nice song!Copy !req
162. Well, good. We're off to a start.Copy !req
163. Who's next? We're now going to see
a Godliman-Wang combo, at last.Copy !req
164. Kerry and Phil.Copy !req
165. OK.Copy !req
166. If I can get something on the end
of that stick, we're in business.Copy !req
167. Everything here is expected.Copy !req
168. It's nature, innit? It's all...Copy !req
169. You know, there isn't going to be
a hamburger or something.Copy !req
170. STICK SNAPS, LAUGHTERCopy !req
171. Right.Copy !req
172. Right, you ready?Copy !req
173. Oh!Copy !req
174. OK, Alex. Here it comes!Copy !req
175. You see that? Yeah, I can see it.Copy !req
176. What do you reckon?Copy !req
177. I'm worried about you.Copy !req
178. Thank you, Kerry. OK!Copy !req
179. I might need help with a zip, Alex.Copy !req
180. Sure, yeah.Copy !req
181. OK. Thank you!Copy !req
182. Goodbye. Thank you!Copy !req
183. You're right. I was not expecting
to see your braCopy !req
184. on the end of a beanpole.
Pleased with yourself?Copy !req
185. Yeah.Copy !req
186. Kerry's was the only one where
I didn't know what was going on,Copy !req
187. so I was generally surprised
when a bra came up. Why?Copy !req
188. Cos, well, she went into the woods,Copy !req
189. hid in a bush and took her bra off
and then came back,Copy !req
190. whereas the other two...
And they did it on camera.Copy !req
191. I'm quite glad I didn't do it
on camera. Yeah. Like, I went away.Copy !req
192. Privately. Yeah. Classy little...Copy !req
193. I didn't think Alex had a live feed,
like a pervert!Copy !req
194. There was a big hole in the roof.Copy !req
195. I was not fully surprised
by your approach, Phil,Copy !req
196. because I have decided that the only
reason you've come into this seriesCopy !req
197. is to show as much as your genitals
as you possibly can.Copy !req
198. We had a very tender moment
when I zipped you up. Oh, lovely.Copy !req
199. I blew on his neck. Yeah!Copy !req
200. Aw! Creepy!Copy !req
201. Why don't you, er...? What?Copy !req
202. Why don't you go over and relive old
times, have a little hug with Phil?Copy !req
203. Can I? You say I don't give
you moments for yourself.Copy !req
204. Go and give Phil a hug and remember,
if you like.Copy !req
205. Oh. Thanks, mate.Copy !req
206. Sit down!Copy !req
207. I told you!
You do things when I tell you!Copy !req
208. That's it. Enough.
I've had enough of part one.Copy !req
209. I can't stand it any more.
Come back when you're part two.Copy !req
210. Or don't come back at all!Copy !req
211. Hi, everyone. Hello.Copy !req
212. Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where I'm going to instantlyCopy !req
213. pawn you off on Alex Horne so
that he can do with the detail.Copy !req
214. Thank you, Greg. Detail is my
middle name and my closest friend.Copy !req
215. Before the break, our competitors
were challenged to stick theCopy !req
216. most unexpected thing through a hole
in a grotto's roof.Copy !req
217. Last up are Rhod and Jess,
Gilbert and Knappett.Copy !req
218. It's poking time again!Copy !req
219. I'm going to go and find something
more unexpected.Copy !req
220. Let's just see...Copy !req
221. Argh!Copy !req
222. I got that down there, don't know
what to do with it.Copy !req
223. It's a nice grotto, isn't it, Alex?Copy !req
224. Thank you.Copy !req
225. OK, can you come down and join me in
the grotto, please? OK.Copy !req
226. Can you see that?Copy !req
227. Yes. The position you adopt is,
if you lean forward,Copy !req
228. that's it, sit back into the ladder
a little.Copy !req
229. I think this is going to
be quite good.Copy !req
230. If you undo your belt.Copy !req
231. And then just pop your
trousers down.Copy !req
232. I might need you to pull the
trousers downCopy !req
233. so I can hold on to
something. I've heard that before.Copy !req
234. Can't pull your own trousers down.Copy !req
235. Unexpected item appearing now.Copy !req
236. What?Copy !req
237. It's...Copy !req
238. It's on fire, Jess. It's on fire!Copy !req
239. Please, don't set fire to the tree.Copy !req
240. Some... classical music
would be nice.Copy !req
241. OK. On your leg.Copy !req
242. That'll do? If you bend down, bend
right down, Alex...Copy !req
243. I don't want to open up...Copy !req
244. OK. You've got 30 seconds, Rhod. OK.Copy !req
245. Oh!Copy !req
246. Gloria in D Major
by Antonio VivaldiCopy !req
247. OK, I've run out of water,
so that is, uh,Copy !req
248. that is the water feature
closed for today, kids.Copy !req
249. WHISTLECopy !req
250. Your turn up, Rob. OK.Copy !req
251. INDISTINCTCopy !req
252. 'I mean... I feel sorry for Jess, I
genuinely wasn't expecting fire to
come out of the hole.Copy !req
253. Yeah! And then...Copy !req
254. You can't compete with Alex's arse.Copy !req
255. It wasn't just Alex's arse, was it?Copy !req
256. As grotesque and unexpected
as that was.Copy !req
257. But it's also the fact that he then
said,Copy !req
258. "That's the water feature closed,
kids!"Copy !req
259. That was unexpected!Copy !req
260. Well, do you want to judge it? Yeah,
I'm gonna judge it.Copy !req
261. I'm gonna give two
points straight inCopy !req
262. to Kerry, James and Phil,Copy !req
263. 'because I think, I kind of guessed
it was going to be an item of
clothingCopy !req
264. coming through the roof of
the grotto.Copy !req
265. 'OK, so the bra, pants and yellow
jumpsuit all get two points.
Correct.Copy !req
266. OK. Jess, the element of fire,
I wasn't expecting,Copy !req
267. four points.Copy !req
268. Second place, Jess.Copy !req
269. And five points, and up to £20,000
of my own money for counsellingCopy !req
270. Rhod Gilbert!Copy !req
271. Rhod wins the toss.Copy !req
272. OK, I've got the scores.Copy !req
273. The series scores are very exciting,
we have Phil Wang on 103.Copy !req
274. IMPRESSED WHISTLECopy !req
275. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
276. Certainly sounds impressive in
isolation. Yeah.Copy !req
277. Second last, it's James on 122.Copy !req
278. But then it's all change,
Kerry's on 131, Jess is on 133,Copy !req
279. Rhod's on 134. Three points!Copy !req
280. Whoa!Copy !req
281. That's the first I've been in the
lead all series. Yes, it is.Copy !req
282. All change. OK. I have a scoreboard
for this episode.Copy !req
283. Phil is in last with three,Copy !req
284. James and Jess both on
six, Kerry on seven,Copy !req
285. but Rhod's in the
lead with ten points!Copy !req
286. More, please, little Alex Horne.Copy !req
287. Well, this one is a puzzling riddleCopy !req
288. of a treasure hunt of a task.Copy !req
289. Oh. Hi.Copy !req
290. Hi, Alex.Copy !req
291. Huh. Oh.Copy !req
292. So, here we are. Here we are.
Why is there not a task here?Copy !req
293. Is it in this room?
Yeah. It's not hidden.Copy !req
294. Well, it's not not hidden, is it?Copy !req
295. No. But it's not hidden.Copy !req
296. Hi, James.Copy !req
297. The task is somewhere. Right.Copy !req
298. Heeey!Copy !req
299. You're colder now. Colder now.Copy !req
300. Warmer, warmer. Warmer.Copy !req
301. Ah!Copy !req
302. Carefully, so I don't pull this
down. Little tug.Copy !req
303. C.Copy !req
304. C. Your time starts now.Copy !req
305. Now look in the microwave.Copy !req
306. What?Copy !req
307. Let's just crack straight into it.Copy !req
308. OK. Let's start with the ladies.
But which two ladies?Copy !req
309. Where's the microwave?Copy !req
310. Where's the microwave?Copy !req
311. C.Copy !req
312. Ah!Copy !req
313. Now look in your pigeonhole.Copy !req
314. E.Copy !req
315. E.Copy !req
316. Now look under the doormat.Copy !req
317. C-R-E.Copy !req
318. Where's the doormat?
Probably near a door.Copy !req
319. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
320. A. Now look in the lab.Copy !req
321. M. Now look in the little
blue book.Copy !req
322. What little blue book?Copy !req
323. What little blue book?Copy !req
324. What little blue book, Alex?Copy !req
325. Is there a little blue box in here?Copy !req
326. What are you looking for?
A little blue box.Copy !req
327. Where's the little blue book?Copy !req
328. Are you OK, Kerry?
No, I'm stressing out.Copy !req
329. Right, OK, so there's a little blue
box somewhere in this house.Copy !req
330. Now look...Copy !req
331. What?Copy !req
332. I can't read!Copy !req
333. Now look in the little blue book!Copy !req
334. Not box, book!Copy !req
335. It says book!Copy !req
336. Oh, this is tough...Copy !req
337. Eeeey! That's clever, isn't it?Copy !req
338. Love that. A tiny one!Copy !req
339. S. At the beginning.
Fastest wins. What?Copy !req
340. S. At the beginning.Copy !req
341. Creams.Copy !req
342. At the beginning.Copy !req
343. What?Copy !req
344. No-one says that, do they?
Creams? No.Copy !req
345. Scream!Copy !req
346. Creams at the beginning.Copy !req
347. Creams at the beginning. Is it like,
um, the...Copy !req
348. A situation where people
have creams at the beginning?Copy !req
349. S.Copy !req
350. At...Copy !req
351. Oh!Copy !req
352. I mean, it's an incredible question.Copy !req
353. '"Oh, this must be a situation where
people have creams in the
beginning."Copy !req
354. Powerful screams, though.Copy !req
355. Oh, excellent screams.
And it wasn't that slow.Copy !req
356. They both took five minutes
something.Copy !req
357. I think if Kerry had realised the
doormat was near the door, she...Copy !req
358. Oh, hang on, is that worse than
confusing book with a box?Copy !req
359. No, oh, no,
you were both absolutely shit.Copy !req
360. Kerry took five minutes
and 47 seconds,Copy !req
361. Jess five minutes and 31 seconds, so
Jess is in the lead at the moment.Copy !req
362. Wow. Yeah.Copy !req
363. The end of part two is nigh.Copy !req
364. Correction, the end of part
two is now!Copy !req
365. Hello there.Copy !req
366. And if you've just stumbled across
this show for the first time,Copy !req
367. it's the third part of the eighth
episode in the seventh series,Copy !req
368. and you're very, very welcome!Copy !req
369. Yes, you are. Today our contestants
are playing for a mummified cat,Copy !req
370. an offensive T-shirt,
and before the break,Copy !req
371. there was a puzzle task
taking place.Copy !req
372. How will Cambridge University
representative Phil WangCopy !req
373. and wise old sage Rhod Gilbert do?Copy !req
374. This was in the microwave.
Now look in your pigeonhole.Copy !req
375. E. Now look under the doormat.Copy !req
376. That's not you, is it?
That's not what Greg calls you?Copy !req
377. I'm not coming back in the room to
open them any more,Copy !req
378. I realise it's time wasting.Copy !req
379. Now look in the lab.Copy !req
380. Lab.Copy !req
381. Where's the little blue book?Copy !req
382. Where's the little blue book?Copy !req
383. Little blue book?Copy !req
384. Is the little blue book in here,
is it?Copy !req
385. Is it? Those aren't real books.Copy !req
386. Is it on you? Why would it be on me?Copy !req
387. I will strip search you if I don't
find this little blue book.Copy !req
388. Ah!Copy !req
389. Do you want to tell me where the
book is? Yeah?Copy !req
390. It's where the books normally are.Copy !req
391. Ah! Oh!Copy !req
392. It says "S", and then in brackets,
"at the beginning."Copy !req
393. Oh, God, what does that mean?Copy !req
394. Ah...Copy !req
395. Oh, I've thrown them everywhere.Copy !req
396. Bollocks.Copy !req
397. Oh, scream!Copy !req
398. You want me to scream?Copy !req
399. Yes, please.Copy !req
400. 'Was that definitely a scream?
Yeah, I'd say so.Copy !req
401. Thank you. I'll stop the clock.Copy !req
402. It seems to me,
every task to you is an opportunityCopy !req
403. to get his trousers off.Copy !req
404. And you're always wearing
pink underwear.Copy !req
405. Or long johns! Yeah!Copy !req
406. Dear, dear, dear.Copy !req
407. Phil, I think you're a very
controlled man,Copy !req
408. is what I thought during that.Copy !req
409. You saw Rhod scream at the end,Copy !req
410. that's a scream of desperation.Copy !req
411. 'And I think I'm going to give you
the opportunity on camera now to
really let a,Copy !req
412. like a passionate, wild scream out.Copy !req
413. Do you want some times? Yes, please.
He took nine minutes and 55.Copy !req
414. Nine minutes and 55.
Of course he did.Copy !req
415. 'Rhod... He went out to the garden
and had a sniff of some flowers at
some point.Copy !req
416. 'Rhod took exactly the same amount of
time it takes me to prepare your bed
in the evening.Copy !req
417. 12 minutes and 51 seconds.Copy !req
418. You like it so flat.Copy !req
419. 'Just show me a situation where
there's some creams at the
beginning, will you?Copy !req
420. Well, it's James Acaster next. Is he
as good at solving riddles as he isCopy !req
421. 'at taking his pants off, shoving
them on a stick and singing a song
about it?Copy !req
422. Let's find out.Copy !req
423. A. Now look in your pigeonhole.Copy !req
424. E. Now look under the doormat.Copy !req
425. A, now look in the lab.Copy !req
426. M. Now look in the little blue book.Copy !req
427. S. Creams. At the...
Oh, at the beginning.Copy !req
428. I feel like that whole thing
was in real time.Copy !req
429. That that's the fastest ever... It
was pretty much,Copy !req
430. he'd already spotted the blue book
during another task.Copy !req
431. He'd always been aware of the
surroundings.Copy !req
432. You know the show more
than I know the show.Copy !req
433. I love it, I'm a big fan.
That was a dream come true.Copy !req
434. The time was three minutes 48.Copy !req
435. So, the points are one point to
Rhod, two to Phil, three to Kerry,Copy !req
436. four to Jess with her
five minutes 31,Copy !req
437. and five points to James Acaster!Copy !req
438. So with that, with that, Jess has
re-taken the series lead, it's goingCopy !req
439. hither and thither at this moment.Copy !req
440. I feel like you're ready to hit us
with another task.Copy !req
441. Oh, I am, and I'm glad I look ready,
because I am ready.Copy !req
442. And for this one,
the contestants really had to learnCopy !req
443. to compose themselves.Copy !req
444. Ah!Copy !req
445. Hi!Copy !req
446. Hi, Alex. Oh.Copy !req
447. Hi, Rhod. All right?Copy !req
448. Hello. Hello.Copy !req
449. Hello, James.Copy !req
450. Compose the best 30 second
piece of music.Copy !req
451. The best? Yes, please.Copy !req
452. Oh, yes. Played into my hands here,
mate. Fuck you.Copy !req
453. You have 20 minutes. Your time
starts now.Copy !req
454. Oh, my God!Copy !req
455. Can you play all of these
instruments?Copy !req
456. We can play a mix of them.Copy !req
457. I'm a percussionist myself.Copy !req
458. 'If you think of sticks at all...
They're fine. You're not a musician,
mate.Copy !req
459. Um... What's that guy?Copy !req
460. It's a melodica.
Oh, let's have a go of that.Copy !req
461. HE PLAYS MELODICACopy !req
462. Well that's staying.Copy !req
463. Uh, another one of your catchphrases
coming out there. "Fuck you."Copy !req
464. Some of the others you've used
throughout the series,Copy !req
465. "Fuck you."Bebeh."
"I'm punk."Suck it."Copy !req
466. Just so you know.Copy !req
467. Let's see...Copy !req
468. A little bit more decorum when
you write music.Copy !req
469. Who should we see first?Copy !req
470. Well, just to say the musicians
would only do what they were told,Copy !req
471. and we're going to
see James and Jess.Copy !req
472. And Kerry and Phil.Copy !req
473. And Rhod. All creating their pieces.
This is them composing. Lovely.Copy !req
474. What sort of rhythm are we after?Copy !req
475. Um...
I reckon you guys can just vampCopy !req
476. a 12 bar blues structure for a bit
and I'll try and think of a trump.Copy !req
477. In the key of E minor,
so it's melancholy.Copy !req
478. We're in Eastern Europe.Copy !req
479. HE PLAYS A LONG NOTECopy !req
480. Do the Hendrix chord.Copy !req
481. Right, here we go.Copy !req
482. Here we go!Copy !req
483. OK, yeah, so let's just jam.Copy !req
484. You might need to give us a bit more
instruction. Oh, really?Copy !req
485. A little match girl has
arrived at a house.Copy !req
486. A little what? Match girl.Copy !req
487. Play a bit of music that
sounds like this.Copy !req
488. SHE HUMS A TUNECopy !req
489. HE REPEATS TUNECopy !req
490. HE IMITATES ROCK GUITARCopy !req
491. I've got to go, # Diddly-doo. ♪
And then you go,Copy !req
492. 'Now let's hear the matches. The
matches? Yeah, shake the box
properly, just to demonstrate.Copy !req
493. MUTED GUITAR
What the fuck was that?Copy !req
494. TUNE REPEATS ON INSTRUMENTSCopy !req
495. That's pretty good!Copy !req
496. I don't think I'm adding
anything with this.Copy !req
497. I like it. Do you? Yeah.Copy !req
498. OK. You're right.
It's my band anyway.Copy !req
499. I quite fancy him.Copy !req
500. 'I hope you'll take this in the
spirit it is intended, Jess, but
sometimesCopy !req
501. watching you is like watching an
episode of Sesame Street.Copy !req
502. "We're writing a song!"Copy !req
503. That's really who I am.Copy !req
504. I don't know why you're laughing,
Kerry. What? "Diddly-do".Copy !req
505. I mean, I cannot tell
you how excited I amCopy !req
506. to hear these pieces of music.Copy !req
507. OK, let's do it. The first movementCopy !req
508. which we're going to hear todayCopy !req
509. is by Philip Wang.Copy !req
510. We're Kill Phil with the
Yellow Blues.Copy !req
511. One, two, three, four.Copy !req
512. BAND PLAY 12 BAR BLUESCopy !req
513. TRUMPET NOTECopy !req
514. TRUMPET NOTECopy !req
515. TRUMPET NOTECopy !req
516. TRUMPET NOTECopy !req
517. SUSTAINED TRUMPET NOTECopy !req
518. Yeah!Copy !req
519. 'Did you essentially get some
talented musicians to play 12 bar
blues?Copy !req
520. Uh, with a tune that I made up.Copy !req
521. Did you hear the trumpet solo?Copy !req
522. I heard the trumpet solo.Copy !req
523. 'It sounded like one of the band had
his mum turn up outside and she was
honking her horn.Copy !req
524. Yeah, like how the blues was born!Copy !req
525. I was told that you play the
trumpet.Copy !req
526. I PLAYED the trumpet.Copy !req
527. In that clip.Copy !req
528. Uh, OK, we are off to an
absolutely terrible start.Copy !req
529. What?Copy !req
530. 'Let's see another wonderful piece of
music. Would you like to see the
lady sitting next to Phil? Yes. Yes.Copy !req
531. OK, this is Kerry's effort.Copy !req
532. The masterclass!Copy !req
533. Here's my band,
Hokey-Cokey Goodtimes,Copy !req
534. and it's calledCopy !req
535. Having A Great Time Any Time.Copy !req
536. One, two, three, four.Copy !req
537. BAND PLAYS SLOW, FOLKSY TUNECopy !req
538. I felt like a parent watching it.Copy !req
539. Proud? Proud or ashamed>Copy !req
540. I had to rush from the meeting
for the... Oh...Copy !req
541. It was VERY GOOD, darling!Copy !req
542. It was catchy.Copy !req
543. It was a nice little tune,
and I did, it wasn't like a standardCopy !req
544. blues riff, I mean, I composed it
from scratch.Copy !req
545. No way.Copy !req
546. It was... Brilliant.Copy !req
547. Really good.Copy !req
548. You know, it was vaguely engaging.Copy !req
549. Who's next?Copy !req
550. OK, we're going to see someone who
has genuinely been in these bands.Copy !req
551. Pin Drop, Three Line WhipCopy !req
552. The New Hardcore Skiffle Movement,Copy !req
553. The Capri Sun Quartet and the Wow
Scenario. Yes, it's James Acaster.Copy !req
554. We're Clump Stump, and this song is
called Over My Shoulder.Copy !req
555. Can we dig down into what the
lyrics were about?Copy !req
556. Cos I know what the spirit of punk
is all about. Yeah.Copy !req
557. Not conforming, not fitting in,Copy !req
558. not being told what to do by
The Man upstairs.Copy !req
559. You've got to look over your
shoulder your whole life. Yeah.Copy !req
560. Cos you never know who's
sneaking up on you. Yeah.Copy !req
561. You can't trust no-one.Copy !req
562. That's why I sing over my shoulder,Copy !req
563. older and older.Copy !req
564. That's what I told ya.Copy !req
565. 'Then you started getting, you said,
"I'm getting colder." Getting
colder.Copy !req
566. 'I'm getting colder. And then you
wondered if something was a boulder
or not. Is that a boulder?Copy !req
567. Yeah. Is that a boulder?
That's a metaphor for what?Copy !req
568. Like, is that a boulder? Yeah.Copy !req
569. Or is it a big rock?Copy !req
570. Right, it's the advertiser's turn
for some air time now,Copy !req
571. but more music coming up
in part four,Copy !req
572. 'plus, who will win
Jessica Knappett's
Victorian Christmas cards?Copy !req
573. It's nail-biting entertainment
television.Copy !req
574. Welcome, welcome, it's the final
part of the show,Copy !req
575. and we're in the middle of a
toe-tapping musical task.Copy !req
576. Indeed we are, Greg.
Armed with three talented musicians,Copy !req
577. Kieron Towers, George Bismer,
and of course,Copy !req
578. yes, it was Dan Edwards,Copy !req
579. the contestants are
trying to composeCopy !req
580. the best 30 second piece of music.Copy !req
581. Next up, it's Jess.Copy !req
582. Hi, we're the Easy Triangles,Copy !req
583. and this is our new hit single.Copy !req
584. Here I Am, I'm A Violin.Copy !req
585. BAND PLAYS UP TEMPO VIOLIN TUNECopy !req
586. It strikes me that that jig -Copy !req
587. would you call it a jig? Sure.Copy !req
588. That jig is missing only one thing.Copy !req
589. A jig. Someone to perform a
lovely dance to it.Copy !req
590. Jig, jig, jig, jig!Copy !req
591. Yes, yes, yes, yes!Copy !req
592. Do you want me to conduct?Copy !req
593. Yes.Copy !req
594. Yes, please.Copy !req
595. One, two, three, now!Copy !req
596. JESS' TUNE PLAYSCopy !req
597. AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONGCopy !req
598. I'm sorry, Jess, I feel like we've
takenCopy !req
599. the spotlight away from your
wonderful song.Copy !req
600. No, please, all I ever wanted was
for the people to dance.Copy !req
601. So, Rhod Gilbert.
Here is Rhodri's tune.Copy !req
602. This is the Ballad of
The Toothless Goon,Copy !req
603. performed by The Little Match Girls.Copy !req
604. 'SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYS
Eastern Europe.
We join our toothless goonCopy !req
605. in an unassuming house, on an
unassuming street, where he sitsCopy !req
606. by an unlit fire.Copy !req
607. He snores, deeply.Copy !req
608. Fast asleep,
despite his cold and stony hearth.Copy !req
609. Wait, what's this?
A knock at the door.Copy !req
610. The little match girl,
selling her wares.Copy !req
611. 'She can't get the toothless goon's
attention.Copy !req
612. So deeply does he sleep.Copy !req
613. She shakes her matches and bangs the
door, and in her desperationCopy !req
614. she decides to knock at the
window and shout.Copy !req
615. (IN HIGH VOICE) Hi! Toothless goon!Copy !req
616. Hello!Copy !req
617. Toothless goon!Copy !req
618. Despite her shouts of Toothless
goon, the goon sleeps so deeplyCopy !req
619. our little match girl decides to
come roundCopy !req
620. the back of the house and
put the window through!Copy !req
621. But still, our goon, he sleeps.Copy !req
622. Deeply and loudly.Copy !req
623. He dreams of teeth in days gone by,Copy !req
624. and a lit hearth. Our little match
girl approaches with her matchesCopy !req
625. and rests her handCopy !req
626. upon his slumbering shoulder.Copy !req
627. Whereupon our goon wakes up
with a startle!Copy !req
628. Whizzes round and shoots her
shitting face off!Copy !req
629. SAD NOTECopy !req
630. It's amazing how the last line
of a beautiful songCopy !req
631. can rug-pull the rest of it.Copy !req
632. Rhod's composition was operatic,Copy !req
633. in that it felt like it
lasted about five hours.Copy !req
634. How long did it last, actually,
Alex?Copy !req
635. It lasted three times as long
as it should have.Copy !req
636. A minute and a half.
A minute and a half.Copy !req
637. Was it supposed to last
for 30 seconds? To be fair to Rhod,Copy !req
638. it's a harder narrative to cram
into 30 secondsCopy !req
639. than "some people play blues"Copy !req
640. and "An irritated mother
honks her horn."Copy !req
641. I'm not going to give anyone one
point, that's the good news.Copy !req
642. Because I thoroughly enjoyed all
pieces of music.Copy !req
643. You've been generous today.
I am being generous today.Copy !req
644. I am only going to give
Phil two points,Copy !req
645. because I think it'll encourage him
to really dig downCopy !req
646. and learn the
trumpet properly next time.Copy !req
647. I'm going to give Kerry three
points.Copy !req
648. It was a very pretty tune.
Thank you.Copy !req
649. I'm going to give Rhod four points,
as well as James, becauseCopy !req
650. 'I think that story is going to be
told for up to one month after this
show.Copy !req
651. And the most complete piece of
music,Copy !req
652. Jessica Knappett. Wow.Copy !req
653. So let's see what that's done
to the scoreboard.Copy !req
654. Well,
we have a three way tie for the leadCopy !req
655. between James, Jess and Rhod,
they're all on 15!Copy !req
656. Right, it's that time again, please,Copy !req
657. head up to the stage for
the final task of the show!Copy !req
658. All on a lovely stage, who's going
to read the task? Rhod Gilbert.Copy !req
659. Bob when you hear the surname
of a famous Bob.Copy !req
660. That's a bob, is it?Copy !req
661. Brilliant.Copy !req
662. Pat when you hear the surname of a
famous Pat.Copy !req
663. Kneel when you hear the surname
of a famous Neil.Copy !req
664. Stew when you hear the surname
of a famous Stu.Copy !req
665. Stew? Stu.Copy !req
666. Do you mean stir?Copy !req
667. Stew, the international sign
language...Copy !req
668. Anybody want some stew?Copy !req
669. And wane when you hear the surname
of a famous Wayne.Copy !req
670. Like the moon, getting smaller,
like the moon.Copy !req
671. Right. I love this.Copy !req
672. If you do an incorrect action or
fail to do any actionCopy !req
673. within ten seconds of
hearing the name,Copy !req
674. you're disqualified.Copy !req
675. Last person correctly bobbing,Copy !req
676. patting, kneeling, stewingCopy !req
677. or waning, wins.Copy !req
678. So, blindfolds on, please.Copy !req
679. Good luck, everybody.Copy !req
680. Greg will say a surname, you then
have ten seconds,Copy !req
681. I will be counting the ten seconds.Copy !req
682. At the end of that we see who's
though to the next round.Copy !req
683. Good. Here we go.Copy !req
684. Marley.Copy !req
685. That's it, yeah.Copy !req
686. OK, OK.Copy !req
687. And that's ten seconds up, they have
all done the correct action.Copy !req
688. I don't think Rhod Gilbert should be
congratulated for doing one bob.Copy !req
689. Next one.Copy !req
690. Armstrong.Copy !req
691. James Acaster! James Acaster. James,
you must go back to the bench.Copy !req
692. I was thinking about Lance!
I was going to lance somewhere!Copy !req
693. Sit on the bench.Copy !req
694. First man on the moon!Copy !req
695. There are four left.Copy !req
696. Sleep.Copy !req
697. Sleep?Copy !req
698. Wang! Sit down!Copy !req
699. Wang is out!Copy !req
700. Come home. Come home, Wang.Copy !req
701. Phil, that was Wayne Sleep.Copy !req
702. Second man on the moon.Copy !req
703. OK, here we go, next name.Copy !req
704. This is going to sort to
wheat from the chaff.Copy !req
705. Gretzky.Copy !req
706. Gretzky? Gretzky.Copy !req
707. Three seconds.
He's got to do something.Copy !req
708. Oooh!Copy !req
709. OK! I'm afraid we have lost Kerry
Godliman,Copy !req
710. who referred to Pay Gretzky, who
does not play ice hockey.Copy !req
711. Wayne Gretzky does.Copy !req
712. I knew that!Copy !req
713. So we have a play off now.Copy !req
714. Holness.Copy !req
715. Holness.Copy !req
716. Ooooh!Copy !req
717. Oooh.Copy !req
718. I'm afraid Jessica must sit down.Copy !req
719. Argh!Copy !req
720. Unfortunately, Stewart Holness
has retired.Copy !req
721. The winner is, ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
722. Rhod Gilbert!Copy !req
723. Come down, let's add that to the
total scores and see where we are.Copy !req
724. 'So, come on, scoreboard, that's got
to have really mixed things up.
It has.Copy !req
725. This episode, it was close right to
the end, but thanks to Bob Holness,Copy !req
726. the winner with 20 pointsCopy !req
727. is Mr Rhod Gilbert!Copy !req
728. Rhod is the winner of episode eight.Copy !req
729. Rhod,
go collect your creepy clutter!Copy !req
730. So, what have we learned today?Copy !req
731. We've learned if you're a lovely
little match girl,Copy !req
732. living in poverty,Copy !req
733. be careful who you're charitable to,Copy !req
734. or you might get your shitting
face shot off.Copy !req
735. See you next time for the
penultimate part of this series.Copy !req
736. Thank you. Goodnight!Copy !req