1. Ah!Copy !req
2. Woo-oh!Copy !req
3. No!Copy !req
4. Arghh!Copy !req
5. Aghhhh!Copy !req
6. Hello!Copy !req
7. How are you? I'm fine, thanks.
You're looking well.Copy !req
8. I'm Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster.Copy !req
9. There are five comedians hungry
to stoke the fire of thisCopy !req
10. competition and commence battle
immediately.Copy !req
11. So who am I to stop them?
I'm the Taskmaster, that's who!Copy !req
12. But I'm also just a regular
nice guy. So, here they are.Copy !req
13. Your five fearless fighters.Copy !req
14. James Acaster!Copy !req
15. Jessica Knappett!Copy !req
16. Kerry Godliman!Copy !req
17. Phil Wang!Copy !req
18. And Rhod Gilbert!Copy !req
19. And still very much keeping
the dream alive...Copy !req
20. that he might be a late bloomer...
It's little Alex Horne!Copy !req
21. I can get on here by myself.
I can get on here by myself. I can.Copy !req
22. Looking a little sheepish tonight.Copy !req
23. Not comfortable.Copy !req
24. Yes. You're not comfortable because
you're being punishedCopy !req
25. for the last episode.Copy !req
26. Can I tell them what you've done?
No, you can't.Copy !req
27. They'll find out soon enough.
It's horrible. Good.Copy !req
28. Let's start the competition.Copy !req
29. Prize task? Yes. Prize task, OK.Copy !req
30. And kindly suggested by Greg
in honour of me, you said,Copy !req
31. me, Mr Alex Horne.Copy !req
32. Today's prize category
is "the creepiest thing".Copy !req
33. You're going to award the owner
of the creepiest thingCopy !req
34. five enormous points and at the end
of this very show,Copy !req
35. the overall winner will get to take
on all five creepy things!Copy !req
36. Right, James Acaster.Copy !req
37. I imagine you've brought
in a really creepy thing?Copy !req
38. I come from a town called Kettering
in Northamptonshire.Copy !req
39. In Kettering there's a museum called
the Manor House Museum andCopy !req
40. the main attraction in the Manor
House Museum is a mummified cat.Copy !req
41. Alex, please.Copy !req
42. Here's the mummified cat.Copy !req
43. God!Copy !req
44. Oh, my God!Copy !req
45. It is a mummified cat that was found
in a wall in a building inCopy !req
46. Kettering. In the past it was good
luck to keep a cat in the walls.Copy !req
47. A live one? Actually,
that wasn't specified.Copy !req
48. A really strong start. It's creepy.Copy !req
49. And it's the first thing ever that's
made a want to visit Kettering!Copy !req
50. Kerry, what's the creepy thing
you've brought in?Copy !req
51. This is a thing that a man was
wearing on a train sat opposite me.Copy !req
52. And he maintained eye contact
with me for four tube stops.Copy !req
53. Long time. Yeah.
It was this T-shirt here.Copy !req
54. GROANS, LAUGHTERCopy !req
55. Is it the lack of apostrophe
you object to?Copy !req
56. Really creepy. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
57. I just can't imagine it ever
working. As in, "OK. Go on, then.Copy !req
58. "Off we go! Get the stirrups!
I'm game!"Copy !req
59. Phil, what creepy thing
did you bring in?Copy !req
60. So, erm, my creepiest thing is
a finger portrait of myselfCopy !req
61. that I was given by someone
who came to one of my shows.Copy !req
62. Here is the painting.Copy !req
63. Oh! It's quite good.Copy !req
64. But...Copy !req
65. That's amazing, Phil!Copy !req
66. Well, so, it was in Newcastle,
which is creepy. Oh!Copy !req
67. What happened to the old castle?Copy !req
68. I'll give you it is a good picture,
objectively speaking.Copy !req
69. But it was the idea of him sitting
on his own and just strokingCopy !req
70. the contours of my face.Copy !req
71. Around the jaw and over the lips and
just going, "Here you are, Phil."Copy !req
72. It's not very creepy, though.
I think it's nice.Copy !req
73. It's a lovely picture. Oh!Copy !req
74. Would you like to see Jessica...?
Jessica Knappett.Copy !req
75. It's quite simply my collection of
Victorian Christmas cards.Copy !req
76. OK. Here they are,
the Victorian Christmas cards.Copy !req
77. These are Christmas cards? Yes.
Right. So, top left - dead robin.Copy !req
78. Er, frog shagging a beetle.Copy !req
79. Creepy. Pretty creepy stuff.
Pretty creepy!Copy !req
80. I mean, it's not a cat in a wall.
I'll give you that. No.Copy !req
81. One left. Oh, no! What?Copy !req
82. Every single one of the prize tasks
for this whole series... Oh, that.Copy !req
83. ..it has essentially been a picture
of me looking fat or...Copy !req
84. So given the title
Creepiest Thing...Copy !req
85. Well, this is a rare occasionCopy !req
86. where I'm not entering
that picture of you.Copy !req
87. It's not a picture of me at all?
It's not a picture of you at all.Copy !req
88. It is a short film.Copy !req
89. Would you like to see the film?Copy !req
90. Yeah.Copy !req
91. Wow! Wow!Copy !req
92. Wow!Copy !req
93. That actually made me feel dirty.Copy !req
94. I saw you out.Copy !req
95. No, you didn't.Copy !req
96. Fuckin' hell!Copy !req
97. The orgy one is quite nice.Copy !req
98. There's one point where you go,
"A-pi-pi-pi!"Copy !req
99. Ready? Yes. Least creepy... I mean,
the perfectly nice picture of Phil.Copy !req
100. It should have a creepier face.
One point to Phil.Copy !req
101. Just because they're cards and
I could just turn them over,Copy !req
102. I'm going to give Jess two points.Copy !req
103. Two points, OK. Yeah.
Fourth place.Copy !req
104. I'm going to jump James up.Copy !req
105. I'm going to give him four points,
cos that is a creepy cat. Yes.Copy !req
106. And good luck to Kettering.Copy !req
107. If that's the best you've got,
Jesus Christ!Copy !req
108. Let's just turn Kettering
into a car park!Copy !req
109. OK. One to Phil, two to Jess,
four to James.Copy !req
110. I mean, without question,Copy !req
111. the creepiest thing for me is that
this idiot has hid in my...Copy !req
112. .. has hid in my wardrobe.Copy !req
113. But a T-shirt that creepy
can't go unpunished.Copy !req
114. I'm going to give them five points
each. Both get five points!Copy !req
115. Fair enough.Copy !req
116. Creeps!Copy !req
117. What task have we got next, Alex?Copy !req
118. Well, if you go down to
the woods today, let's see.Copy !req
119. Hello, Rhod. Hiya.Copy !req
120. Hi, James.Copy !req
121. Eugh!Copy !req
122. I'm scared!Copy !req
123. What is this place? It's a grotto.Copy !req
124. What do you think a grotto is?
It's...Copy !req
125. It's what Santa is, isn't it?
I don't think Santa would come here.Copy !req
126. Where is the task, Alex?
It's on its way.Copy !req
127. Right.Copy !req
128. "Poke something out of the hole
in the roof of this grotto."Copy !req
129. "Least expected thing
poked through wins."Copy !req
130. "You have 20 minutes.
Time starts now."Copy !req
131. Poke something out of the hole...Copy !req
132. There won't be a pound shop nearby,
is there? Are you on Amazon Prime?Copy !req
133. Haven't got my phone.Copy !req
134. Who are we going to see first?Copy !req
135. Well, first, we're going to see
a man who will very soonCopy !req
136. go by the nickname J-Caster.
It's J-Caster. Here we go.Copy !req
137. Poke something through the hole
of the grotto.Copy !req
138. Right. I know what it's going to be.Copy !req
139. OK. But these guys have
to stop filming me.Copy !req
140. You want me to call the cameras off?Copy !req
141. All the cameras off!
This is going to be unexpected!Copy !req
142. Fun's over!Copy !req
143. Right, I'm ready.Copy !req
144. The cameras are back on, James.Copy !req
145. Filming's back on!Copy !req
146. This is genius.Copy !req
147. Only advice I can give the
Taskmaster for this one -Copy !req
148. expect the unexpected, baby.Copy !req
149. Could you tell him that?Copy !req
150. You want to tell him to expect
the unexpected? Baby!Copy !req
151. OK. Here it comes!Copy !req
152. Do you get extra points
for a song? No.Copy !req
153. Well, that's a waste of time.Copy !req
154. I wasn't expecting
that beautiful song.Copy !req
155. I'll be honest.Copy !req
156. As soon as I was holding my pants
on a stick, I genuinely went crazy.Copy !req
157. Yeah.Copy !req
158. Do you want to give us a bit more
of Pants on a Stick?Copy !req
159. Nice song!Copy !req
160. Well, good. We're off to a start.Copy !req
161. Who's next? We're now going to see
a Godliman-Wang combo, at last.Copy !req
162. Kerry and Phil.Copy !req
163. OK.Copy !req
164. If I can get something on the end
of that stick, we're in business.Copy !req
165. Everything here is expected.Copy !req
166. It's nature, innit? It's all...Copy !req
167. You know, there isn't going to be
a hamburger or something.Copy !req
168. STICK SNAPS, LAUGHTERCopy !req
169. Right.Copy !req
170. Right, you ready?Copy !req
171. Oh!Copy !req
172. OK, Alex. Here it comes!Copy !req
173. You see that? Yeah, I can see it.Copy !req
174. What do you reckon?Copy !req
175. I'm worried about you.Copy !req
176. Thank you, Kerry. OK!Copy !req
177. I might need help with a zip, Alex.Copy !req
178. Sure, yeah.Copy !req
179. OK. Thank you!Copy !req
180. Goodbye. Thank you!Copy !req
181. You're right. I was not expecting
to see your braCopy !req
182. on the end of a beanpole.
Pleased with yourself?Copy !req
183. Yeah.Copy !req
184. Kerry's was the only one where
I didn't know what was going on,Copy !req
185. so I was generally surprised
when a bra came up. Why?Copy !req
186. Cos, well, she went into the woods,Copy !req
187. hid in a bush and took her bra off
and then came back,Copy !req
188. whereas the other two...
And they did it on camera.Copy !req
189. I'm quite glad I didn't do it
on camera. Yeah. Like, I went away.Copy !req
190. Privately. Yeah. Classy little...Copy !req
191. I didn't think Alex had a live feed,
like a pervert!Copy !req
192. There was a big hole in the roof.Copy !req
193. I was not fully surprised
by your approach, Phil,Copy !req
194. because I have decided that the only
reason you've come into this seriesCopy !req
195. is to show as much as your genitals
as you possibly can.Copy !req
196. We had a very tender moment
when I zipped you up. Oh, lovely.Copy !req
197. I blew on his neck. Yeah!Copy !req
198. Aw! Creepy!Copy !req
199. Why don't you, er...? What?Copy !req
200. Why don't you go over and relive old
times, have a little hug with Phil?Copy !req
201. Can I? You say I don't give
you moments for yourself.Copy !req
202. Go and give Phil a hug and remember,
if you like.Copy !req
203. Oh. Thanks, mate.Copy !req
204. Sit down!Copy !req
205. I told you!
You do things when I tell you!Copy !req
206. That's it. Enough.
I've had enough of part one.Copy !req
207. I can't stand it any more.
Come back when you're part two.Copy !req
208. Or don't come back at all!Copy !req
209. Hi, everyone. Hello.Copy !req
210. Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where I'm going to instantlyCopy !req
211. pawn you off on Alex Horne so
that he can do with the detail.Copy !req
212. Thank you, Greg. Detail is my
middle name and my closest friend.Copy !req
213. Before the break, our competitors
were challenged to stick theCopy !req
214. most unexpected thing through a hole
in a grotto's roof.Copy !req
215. Last up are Rhod and Jess,
Gilbert and Knappett.Copy !req
216. It's poking time again!Copy !req
217. I'm going to go and find something
more unexpected.Copy !req
218. Let's just see...Copy !req
219. Argh!Copy !req
220. I got that down there, don't know
what to do with it.Copy !req
221. It's a nice grotto, isn't it, Alex?Copy !req
222. Thank you.Copy !req
223. OK, can you come down and join me in
the grotto, please? OK.Copy !req
224. Can you see that?Copy !req
225. Yes. The position you adopt is,
if you lean forward,Copy !req
226. that's it, sit back into the ladder
a little.Copy !req
227. I think this is going to
be quite good.Copy !req
228. If you undo your belt.Copy !req
229. And then just pop your
trousers down.Copy !req
230. I might need you to pull the
trousers downCopy !req
231. so I can hold on to
something. I've heard that before.Copy !req
232. Can't pull your own trousers down.Copy !req
233. Unexpected item appearing now.Copy !req
234. What?Copy !req
235. It's...Copy !req
236. It's on fire, Jess. It's on fire!Copy !req
237. Please, don't set fire to the tree.Copy !req
238. Some... classical music
would be nice.Copy !req
239. OK. On your leg.Copy !req
240. That'll do? If you bend down, bend
right down, Alex...Copy !req
241. I don't want to open up...Copy !req
242. OK. You've got 30 seconds, Rhod. OK.Copy !req
243. Oh!Copy !req
244. Gloria in D Major
by Antonio VivaldiCopy !req
245. OK, I've run out of water,
so that is, uh,Copy !req
246. that is the water feature
closed for today, kids.Copy !req
247. Your turn up, Rob. OK.Copy !req
248. 'I mean... I feel sorry for Jess, I
genuinely wasn't expecting fire to
come out of the hole.Copy !req
249. Yeah! And then...Copy !req
250. You can't compete with Alex's arse.Copy !req
251. It wasn't just Alex's arse, was it?Copy !req
252. As grotesque and unexpected
as that was.Copy !req
253. But it's also the fact that he then
said,Copy !req
254. "That's the water feature closed,
kids!"Copy !req
255. That was unexpected!Copy !req
256. Well, do you want to judge it? Yeah,
I'm gonna judge it.Copy !req
257. I'm gonna give two
points straight inCopy !req
258. to Kerry, James and Phil,Copy !req
259. 'because I think, I kind of guessed
it was going to be an item of
clothingCopy !req
260. coming through the roof of
the grotto.Copy !req
261. 'OK, so the bra, pants and yellow
jumpsuit all get two points.
Correct.Copy !req
262. OK. Jess, the element of fire,
I wasn't expecting,Copy !req
263. four points.Copy !req
264. Second place, Jess.Copy !req
265. And five points, and up to £20,000
of my own money for counsellingCopy !req
266. Rhod Gilbert!Copy !req
267. Rhod wins the toss.Copy !req
268. OK, I've got the scores.Copy !req
269. The series scores are very exciting,
we have Phil Wang on 103.Copy !req
270. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
271. Certainly sounds impressive in
isolation. Yeah.Copy !req
272. Second last, it's James on 122.Copy !req
273. But then it's all change,
Kerry's on 131, Jess is on 133,Copy !req
274. Rhod's on 134. Three points!Copy !req
275. Whoa!Copy !req
276. That's the first I've been in the
lead all series. Yes, it is.Copy !req
277. All change. OK. I have a scoreboard
for this episode.Copy !req
278. Phil is in last with three,Copy !req
279. James and Jess both on
six, Kerry on seven,Copy !req
280. but Rhod's in the
lead with ten points!Copy !req
281. More, please, little Alex Horne.Copy !req
282. Well, this one is a puzzling riddleCopy !req
283. of a treasure hunt of a task.Copy !req
284. Oh. Hi.Copy !req
285. Hi, Alex.Copy !req
286. Huh. Oh.Copy !req
287. So, here we are. Here we are.
Why is there not a task here?Copy !req
288. Is it in this room?
Yeah. It's not hidden.Copy !req
289. Well, it's not not hidden, is it?Copy !req
290. No. But it's not hidden.Copy !req
291. Hi, James.Copy !req
292. The task is somewhere. Right.Copy !req
293. Heeey!Copy !req
294. You're colder now. Colder now.Copy !req
295. Warmer, warmer. Warmer.Copy !req
296. Ah!Copy !req
297. Carefully, so I don't pull this
down. Little tug.Copy !req
298. C.Copy !req
299. C. Your time starts now.Copy !req
300. Now look in the microwave.Copy !req
301. What?Copy !req
302. Let's just crack straight into it.Copy !req
303. OK. Let's start with the ladies.
But which two ladies?Copy !req
304. Where's the microwave?Copy !req
305. Where's the microwave?Copy !req
306. C.Copy !req
307. Ah!Copy !req
308. Now look in your pigeonhole.Copy !req
309. E.Copy !req
310. E.Copy !req
311. Now look under the doormat.Copy !req
312. C-R-E.Copy !req
313. Where's the doormat?
Probably near a door.Copy !req
314. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
315. A. Now look in the lab.Copy !req
316. M. Now look in the little
blue book.Copy !req
317. What little blue book?Copy !req
318. What little blue book?Copy !req
319. What little blue book, Alex?Copy !req
320. Is there a little blue box in here?Copy !req
321. What are you looking for?
A little blue box.Copy !req
322. Where's the little blue book?Copy !req
323. Are you OK, Kerry?
No, I'm stressing out.Copy !req
324. Right, OK, so there's a little blue
box somewhere in this house.Copy !req
325. Now look...Copy !req
326. What?Copy !req
327. I can't read!Copy !req
328. Now look in the little blue book!Copy !req
329. Not box, book!Copy !req
330. It says book!Copy !req
331. Oh, this is tough...Copy !req
332. Eeeey! That's clever, isn't it?Copy !req
333. Love that. A tiny one!Copy !req
334. S. At the beginning.
Fastest wins. What?Copy !req
335. S. At the beginning.Copy !req
336. Creams.Copy !req
337. At the beginning.Copy !req
338. What?Copy !req
339. No-one says that, do they?
Creams? No.Copy !req
340. Scream!Copy !req
341. Creams at the beginning.Copy !req
342. Creams at the beginning. Is it like,
um, the...Copy !req
343. A situation where people
have creams at the beginning?Copy !req
344. S.Copy !req
345. At...Copy !req
346. Oh!Copy !req
347. I mean, it's an incredible question.Copy !req
348. '"Oh, this must be a situation where
people have creams in the
beginning."Copy !req
349. Powerful screams, though.Copy !req
350. Oh, excellent screams.
And it wasn't that slow.Copy !req
351. They both took five minutes
something.Copy !req
352. I think if Kerry had realised the
doormat was near the door, she...Copy !req
353. Oh, hang on, is that worse than
confusing book with a box?Copy !req
354. No, oh, no,
you were both absolutely shit.Copy !req
355. Kerry took five minutes
and 47 seconds,Copy !req
356. Jess five minutes and 31 seconds, so
Jess is in the lead at the moment.Copy !req
357. Wow. Yeah.Copy !req
358. The end of part two is nigh.Copy !req
359. Correction, the end of part
two is now!Copy !req
360. Hello there.Copy !req
361. And if you've just stumbled across
this show for the first time,Copy !req
362. it's the third part of the eighth
episode in the seventh series,Copy !req
363. and you're very, very welcome!Copy !req
364. Yes, you are. Today our contestants
are playing for a mummified cat,Copy !req
365. an offensive T-shirt,
and before the break,Copy !req
366. there was a puzzle task
taking place.Copy !req
367. How will Cambridge University
representative Phil WangCopy !req
368. and wise old sage Rhod Gilbert do?Copy !req
369. This was in the microwave.
Now look in your pigeonhole.Copy !req
370. E. Now look under the doormat.Copy !req
371. That's not you, is it?
That's not what Greg calls you?Copy !req
372. I'm not coming back in the room to
open them any more,Copy !req
373. I realise it's time wasting.Copy !req
374. Now look in the lab.Copy !req
375. Lab.Copy !req
376. Where's the little blue book?Copy !req
377. Where's the little blue book?Copy !req
378. Little blue book?Copy !req
379. Is the little blue book in here,
is it?Copy !req
380. Is it? Those aren't real books.Copy !req
381. Is it on you? Why would it be on me?Copy !req
382. I will strip search you if I don't
find this little blue book.Copy !req
383. Ah!Copy !req
384. Do you want to tell me where the
book is? Yeah?Copy !req
385. It's where the books normally are.Copy !req
386. Ah! Oh!Copy !req
387. It says "S", and then in brackets,
"at the beginning."Copy !req
388. Oh, God, what does that mean?Copy !req
389. Ah...Copy !req
390. Oh, I've thrown them everywhere.Copy !req
391. Bollocks.Copy !req
392. Oh, scream!Copy !req
393. You want me to scream?Copy !req
394. Yes, please.Copy !req
395. 'Was that definitely a scream?
Yeah, I'd say so.Copy !req
396. Thank you. I'll stop the clock.Copy !req
397. It seems to me,
every task to you is an opportunityCopy !req
398. to get his trousers off.Copy !req
399. And you're always wearing
pink underwear.Copy !req
400. Or long johns! Yeah!Copy !req
401. Dear, dear, dear.Copy !req
402. Phil, I think you're a very
controlled man,Copy !req
403. is what I thought during that.Copy !req
404. You saw Rhod scream at the end,Copy !req
405. that's a scream of desperation.Copy !req
406. 'And I think I'm going to give you
the opportunity on camera now to
really let a,Copy !req
407. like a passionate, wild scream out.Copy !req
408. Do you want some times? Yes, please.
He took nine minutes and 55.Copy !req
409. Nine minutes and 55.
Of course he did.Copy !req
410. 'Rhod... He went out to the garden
and had a sniff of some flowers at
some point.Copy !req
411. 'Rhod took exactly the same amount of
time it takes me to prepare your bed
in the evening.Copy !req
412. 12 minutes and 51 seconds.Copy !req
413. You like it so flat.Copy !req
414. 'Just show me a situation where
there's some creams at the
beginning, will you?Copy !req
415. Well, it's James Acaster next. Is he
as good at solving riddles as he isCopy !req
416. 'at taking his pants off, shoving
them on a stick and singing a song
about it?Copy !req
417. Let's find out.Copy !req
418. A. Now look in your pigeonhole.Copy !req
419. E. Now look under the doormat.Copy !req
420. A, now look in the lab.Copy !req
421. M. Now look in the little blue book.Copy !req
422. S. Creams. At the...
Oh, at the beginning.Copy !req
423. I feel like that whole thing
was in real time.Copy !req
424. That that's the fastest ever... It
was pretty much,Copy !req
425. he'd already spotted the blue book
during another task.Copy !req
426. He'd always been aware of the
surroundings.Copy !req
427. You know the show more
than I know the show.Copy !req
428. I love it, I'm a big fan.
That was a dream come true.Copy !req
429. The time was three minutes 48.Copy !req
430. So, the points are one point to
Rhod, two to Phil, three to Kerry,Copy !req
431. four to Jess with her
five minutes 31,Copy !req
432. and five points to James Acaster!Copy !req
433. So with that, with that, Jess has
re-taken the series lead, it's goingCopy !req
434. hither and thither at this moment.Copy !req
435. I feel like you're ready to hit us
with another task.Copy !req
436. Oh, I am, and I'm glad I look ready,
because I am ready.Copy !req
437. And for this one,
the contestants really had to learnCopy !req
438. to compose themselves.Copy !req
439. Ah!Copy !req
440. Hi!Copy !req
441. Hi, Alex. Oh.Copy !req
442. Hi, Rhod. All right?Copy !req
443. Hello. Hello.Copy !req
444. Hello, James.Copy !req
445. Compose the best 30 second
piece of music.Copy !req
446. The best? Yes, please.Copy !req
447. Oh, yes. Played into my hands here,
mate. Fuck you.Copy !req
448. You have 20 minutes. Your time
starts now.Copy !req
449. Oh, my God!Copy !req
450. Can you play all of these
instruments?Copy !req
451. We can play a mix of them.Copy !req
452. I'm a percussionist myself.Copy !req
453. 'If you think of sticks at all...
They're fine. You're not a musician,
mate.Copy !req
454. Um... What's that guy?Copy !req
455. It's a melodica.
Oh, let's have a go of that.Copy !req
456. Well that's staying.Copy !req
457. Uh, another one of your catchphrases
coming out there. "Fuck you."Copy !req
458. Some of the others you've used
throughout the series,Copy !req
459. "Fuck you."Bebeh."
"I'm punk."Suck it."Copy !req
460. Just so you know.Copy !req
461. Let's see...Copy !req
462. A little bit more decorum when
you write music.Copy !req
463. Who should we see first?Copy !req
464. Well, just to say the musicians
would only do what they were told,Copy !req
465. and we're going to
see James and Jess.Copy !req
466. And Kerry and Phil.Copy !req
467. And Rhod. All creating their pieces.
This is them composing. Lovely.Copy !req
468. What sort of rhythm are we after?Copy !req
469. Um...
I reckon you guys can just vampCopy !req
470. a 12 bar blues structure for a bit
and I'll try and think of a trump.Copy !req
471. In the key of E minor,
so it's melancholy.Copy !req
472. We're in Eastern Europe.Copy !req
473. Do the Hendrix chord.Copy !req
474. Right, here we go.Copy !req
475. Here we go!Copy !req
476. OK, yeah, so let's just jam.Copy !req
477. You might need to give us a bit more
instruction. Oh, really?Copy !req
478. A little match girl has
arrived at a house.Copy !req
479. A little what? Match girl.Copy !req
480. Play a bit of music that
sounds like this.Copy !req
481. I've got to go, # Diddly-doo. ♪
And then you go,Copy !req
482. 'Now let's hear the matches. The
matches? Yeah, shake the box
properly, just to demonstrate.Copy !req
483. What the fuck was that?Copy !req
484. That's pretty good!Copy !req
485. I don't think I'm adding
anything with this.Copy !req
486. I like it. Do you? Yeah.Copy !req
487. OK. You're right.
It's my band anyway.Copy !req
488. I quite fancy him.Copy !req
489. 'I hope you'll take this in the
spirit it is intended, Jess, but
sometimesCopy !req
490. watching you is like watching an
episode of Sesame Street.Copy !req
491. "We're writing a song!"Copy !req
492. That's really who I am.Copy !req
493. I don't know why you're laughing,
Kerry. What? "Diddly-do".Copy !req
494. I mean, I cannot tell
you how excited I amCopy !req
495. to hear these pieces of music.Copy !req
496. OK, let's do it. The first movementCopy !req
497. which we're going to hear todayCopy !req
498. is by Philip Wang.Copy !req
499. We're Kill Phil with the
Yellow Blues.Copy !req
500. One, two, three, four.Copy !req
501. BAND PLAY 12 BAR BLUESCopy !req
502. Yeah!Copy !req
503. 'Did you essentially get some
talented musicians to play 12 bar
blues?Copy !req
504. Uh, with a tune that I made up.Copy !req
505. Did you hear the trumpet solo?Copy !req
506. I heard the trumpet solo.Copy !req
507. 'It sounded like one of the band had
his mum turn up outside and she was
honking her horn.Copy !req
508. Yeah, like how the blues was born!Copy !req
509. I was told that you play the
trumpet.Copy !req
510. I PLAYED the trumpet.Copy !req
511. In that clip.Copy !req
512. Uh, OK, we are off to an
absolutely terrible start.Copy !req
513. What?Copy !req
514. 'Let's see another wonderful piece of
music. Would you like to see the
lady sitting next to Phil? Yes. Yes.Copy !req
515. OK, this is Kerry's effort.Copy !req
516. The masterclass!Copy !req
517. Here's my band,
Hokey-Cokey Goodtimes,Copy !req
518. and it's calledCopy !req
519. Having A Great Time Any Time.Copy !req
520. One, two, three, four.Copy !req
521. BAND PLAYS SLOW, FOLKSY TUNECopy !req
522. I felt like a parent watching it.Copy !req
523. Proud? Proud or ashamed>Copy !req
524. I had to rush from the meeting
for the... Oh...Copy !req
525. It was VERY GOOD, darling!Copy !req
526. It was catchy.Copy !req
527. It was a nice little tune,
and I did, it wasn't like a standardCopy !req
528. blues riff, I mean, I composed it
from scratch.Copy !req
529. No way.Copy !req
530. It was... Brilliant.Copy !req
531. Really good.Copy !req
532. You know, it was vaguely engaging.Copy !req
533. Who's next?Copy !req
534. OK, we're going to see someone who
has genuinely been in these bands.Copy !req
535. Pin Drop, Three Line WhipCopy !req
536. The New Hardcore Skiffle Movement,Copy !req
537. The Capri Sun Quartet and the Wow
Scenario. Yes, it's James Acaster.Copy !req
538. We're Clump Stump, and this song is
called Over My Shoulder.Copy !req
539. Can we dig down into what the
lyrics were about?Copy !req
540. Cos I know what the spirit of punk
is all about. Yeah.Copy !req
541. Not conforming, not fitting in,Copy !req
542. not being told what to do by
The Man upstairs.Copy !req
543. You've got to look over your
shoulder your whole life. Yeah.Copy !req
544. Cos you never know who's
sneaking up on you. Yeah.Copy !req
545. You can't trust no-one.Copy !req
546. That's why I sing over my shoulder,Copy !req
547. older and older.Copy !req
548. That's what I told ya.Copy !req
549. 'Then you started getting, you said,
"I'm getting colder." Getting
colder.Copy !req
550. 'I'm getting colder. And then you
wondered if something was a boulder
or not. Is that a boulder?Copy !req
551. Yeah. Is that a boulder?
That's a metaphor for what?Copy !req
552. Like, is that a boulder? Yeah.Copy !req
553. Or is it a big rock?Copy !req
554. Right, it's the advertiser's turn
for some air time now,Copy !req
555. but more music coming up
in part four,Copy !req
556. 'plus, who will win
Jessica Knappett's
Victorian Christmas cards?Copy !req
557. It's nail-biting entertainment
television.Copy !req
558. Welcome, welcome, it's the final
part of the show,Copy !req
559. and we're in the middle of a
toe-tapping musical task.Copy !req
560. Indeed we are, Greg.
Armed with three talented musicians,Copy !req
561. Kieron Towers, George Bismer,
and of course,Copy !req
562. yes, it was Dan Edwards,Copy !req
563. the contestants are
trying to composeCopy !req
564. the best 30 second piece of music.Copy !req
565. Next up, it's Jess.Copy !req
566. Hi, we're the Easy Triangles,Copy !req
567. and this is our new hit single.Copy !req
568. Here I Am, I'm A Violin.Copy !req
569. It strikes me that that jig -Copy !req
570. would you call it a jig? Sure.Copy !req
571. That jig is missing only one thing.Copy !req
572. A jig. Someone to perform a
lovely dance to it.Copy !req
573. Jig, jig, jig, jig!Copy !req
574. Yes, yes, yes, yes!Copy !req
575. Do you want me to conduct?Copy !req
576. Yes.Copy !req
577. Yes, please.Copy !req
578. One, two, three, now!Copy !req
579. JESS' TUNE PLAYSCopy !req
580. I'm sorry, Jess, I feel like we've
takenCopy !req
581. the spotlight away from your
wonderful song.Copy !req
582. No, please, all I ever wanted was
for the people to dance.Copy !req
583. So, Rhod Gilbert.
Here is Rhodri's tune.Copy !req
584. This is the Ballad of
The Toothless Goon,Copy !req
585. performed by The Little Match Girls.Copy !req
586. 'SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYS
Eastern Europe.
We join our toothless goonCopy !req
587. in an unassuming house, on an
unassuming street, where he sitsCopy !req
588. by an unlit fire.Copy !req
589. He snores, deeply.Copy !req
590. Fast asleep,
despite his cold and stony hearth.Copy !req
591. Wait, what's this?
A knock at the door.Copy !req
592. The little match girl,
selling her wares.Copy !req
593. 'She can't get the toothless goon's
attention.Copy !req
594. So deeply does he sleep.Copy !req
595. She shakes her matches and bangs the
door, and in her desperationCopy !req
596. she decides to knock at the
window and shout.Copy !req
597. Hi! Toothless goon!Copy !req
598. Hello!Copy !req
599. Toothless goon!Copy !req
600. Despite her shouts of Toothless
goon, the goon sleeps so deeplyCopy !req
601. our little match girl decides to
come roundCopy !req
602. the back of the house and
put the window through!Copy !req
603. But still, our goon, he sleeps.Copy !req
604. Deeply and loudly.Copy !req
605. He dreams of teeth in days gone by,Copy !req
606. and a lit hearth. Our little match
girl approaches with her matchesCopy !req
607. and rests her handCopy !req
608. upon his slumbering shoulder.Copy !req
609. Whereupon our goon wakes up
with a startle!Copy !req
610. Whizzes round and shoots her
shitting face off!Copy !req
611. It's amazing how the last line
of a beautiful songCopy !req
612. can rug-pull the rest of it.Copy !req
613. Rhod's composition was operatic,Copy !req
614. in that it felt like it
lasted about five hours.Copy !req
615. How long did it last, actually,
Alex?Copy !req
616. It lasted three times as long
as it should have.Copy !req
617. A minute and a half.
A minute and a half.Copy !req
618. Was it supposed to last
for 30 seconds? To be fair to Rhod,Copy !req
619. it's a harder narrative to cram
into 30 secondsCopy !req
620. than "some people play blues"Copy !req
621. and "An irritated mother
honks her horn."Copy !req
622. I'm not going to give anyone one
point, that's the good news.Copy !req
623. Because I thoroughly enjoyed all
pieces of music.Copy !req
624. You've been generous today.
I am being generous today.Copy !req
625. I am only going to give
Phil two points,Copy !req
626. because I think it'll encourage him
to really dig downCopy !req
627. and learn the
trumpet properly next time.Copy !req
628. I'm going to give Kerry three
points.Copy !req
629. It was a very pretty tune.
Thank you.Copy !req
630. I'm going to give Rhod four points,
as well as James, becauseCopy !req
631. 'I think that story is going to be
told for up to one month after this
show.Copy !req
632. And the most complete piece of
music,Copy !req
633. Jessica Knappett. Wow.Copy !req
634. So let's see what that's done
to the scoreboard.Copy !req
635. Well,
we have a three way tie for the leadCopy !req
636. between James, Jess and Rhod,
they're all on 15!Copy !req
637. Right, it's that time again, please,Copy !req
638. head up to the stage for
the final task of the show!Copy !req
639. All on a lovely stage, who's going
to read the task? Rhod Gilbert.Copy !req
640. Bob when you hear the surname
of a famous Bob.Copy !req
641. That's a bob, is it?Copy !req
642. Brilliant.Copy !req
643. Pat when you hear the surname of a
famous Pat.Copy !req
644. Kneel when you hear the surname
of a famous Neil.Copy !req
645. Stew when you hear the surname
of a famous Stu.Copy !req
646. Stew? Stu.Copy !req
647. Do you mean stir?Copy !req
648. Stew, the international sign
language...Copy !req
649. Anybody want some stew?Copy !req
650. And wane when you hear the surname
of a famous Wayne.Copy !req
651. Like the moon, getting smaller,
like the moon.Copy !req
652. Right. I love this.Copy !req
653. If you do an incorrect action or
fail to do any actionCopy !req
654. within ten seconds of
hearing the name,Copy !req
655. you're disqualified.Copy !req
656. Last person correctly bobbing,Copy !req
657. patting, kneeling, stewingCopy !req
658. or waning, wins.Copy !req
659. So, blindfolds on, please.Copy !req
660. Good luck, everybody.Copy !req
661. Greg will say a surname, you then
have ten seconds,Copy !req
662. I will be counting the ten seconds.Copy !req
663. At the end of that we see who's
though to the next round.Copy !req
664. Good. Here we go.Copy !req
665. Marley.Copy !req
666. That's it, yeah.Copy !req
667. OK, OK.Copy !req
668. And that's ten seconds up, they have
all done the correct action.Copy !req
669. I don't think Rhod Gilbert should be
congratulated for doing one bob.Copy !req
670. Next one.Copy !req
671. Armstrong.Copy !req
672. James Acaster! James Acaster. James,
you must go back to the bench.Copy !req
673. I was thinking about Lance!
I was going to lance somewhere!Copy !req
674. Sit on the bench.Copy !req
675. First man on the moon!Copy !req
676. There are four left.Copy !req
677. Sleep.Copy !req
678. Sleep?Copy !req
679. Wang! Sit down!Copy !req
680. Wang is out!Copy !req
681. Come home. Come home, Wang.Copy !req
682. Phil, that was Wayne Sleep.Copy !req
683. Second man on the moon.Copy !req
684. OK, here we go, next name.Copy !req
685. This is going to sort to
wheat from the chaff.Copy !req
686. Gretzky.Copy !req
687. Gretzky? Gretzky.Copy !req
688. Three seconds.
He's got to do something.Copy !req
689. Oooh!Copy !req
690. OK! I'm afraid we have lost Kerry
Godliman,Copy !req
691. who referred to Pay Gretzky, who
does not play ice hockey.Copy !req
692. Wayne Gretzky does.Copy !req
693. I knew that!Copy !req
694. So we have a play off now.Copy !req
695. Holness.Copy !req
696. Holness.Copy !req
697. Ooooh!Copy !req
698. Oooh.Copy !req
699. I'm afraid Jessica must sit down.Copy !req
700. Argh!Copy !req
701. Unfortunately, Stewart Holness
has retired.Copy !req
702. The winner is, ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
703. Rhod Gilbert!Copy !req
704. Come down, let's add that to the
total scores and see where we are.Copy !req
705. 'So, come on, scoreboard, that's got
to have really mixed things up.
It has.Copy !req
706. This episode, it was close right to
the end, but thanks to Bob Holness,Copy !req
707. the winner with 20 pointsCopy !req
708. is Mr Rhod Gilbert!Copy !req
709. Rhod is the winner of episode eight.Copy !req
710. Rhod,
go collect your creepy clutter!Copy !req
711. So, what have we learned today?Copy !req
712. We've learned if you're a lovely
little match girl,Copy !req
713. living in poverty,Copy !req
714. be careful who you're charitable to,Copy !req
715. or you might get your shitting
face shot off.Copy !req
716. See you next time for the
penultimate part of this series.Copy !req
717. Thank you. Goodnight!Copy !req