Taskmaster 7x7

1. Hello, and welcome to another chapter in the tale of Taskmaster.

2. I'm your narrator, Greg Davies.

3. Now, this head needs a new owner, and these are the only five

4. people on the planet capable of claiming it.

5. They are James Acaster...

6. .. Jessica Knappett...

7. .. Kerry Godliman...

8. .. Phil Wang...

9. .. and Rhod Gilbert.

10. And splattered all over the chair next to me is the

11. rancorous pustule of a human being, that happens to be very good at

12. Microsoft Excel, it's little Alex Horne.

13. Thank you, Greg, very nice of you.

14. Hello. Hello, Greg. Thank you for the compliment.

15. Nothing?

16. I'm waiting, Alex. We normally have a chat during the introduction.

17. Yes. I'm feeling very chilled today. I feel good in myself. Do you?

18. I know what you were hoping for.

19. I know what you were hoping for, and I know it took hours. Yes.

20. This is what you get when you try and get that much attention.

21. Nothing.

22. So, what's the prize task, Alex?

23. 'We've asked them to bring in the most exciting thing beginning with G. OK.

24. 'And you, of course, know what mine is. It's your special spot. I shouldn't...

25. Oh, my God!

26. The person or woman that's brought in the most exciting thing...

27. "Person or woman"!

28. .. who's brought in the most exciting thing beginning with G

29. will get five wholesome points.

30. Philip, hello. Oh, hi, Greg.

31. What's the thing, the G thing you've brought in?

32. A gold $5 bill.

33. I think you'll agree this is very exciting.

34. It's money made out of...

35. You OK? No, no, I'm good.

36. It's money made out of gold.

37. I bought this at Lincoln Memorial, and I haggled for it.

38. The shopkeeper said "This is $30." I said, "15".

39. And she said "30". And I said "20".

40. And he said "30".

41. So I paid $30 for this bill. But I...

42. You might have paid $30, but if you look closely at the back,

43. there is a price tag as well.

44. Can you see it?

45. Well, goodness me. Kerry.

46. Right, my thing is guacamole. OK. And...

47. What?

48. You heard Phil's, did you? I'm irritated already.

49. Tell me it's not a bowl of guacamole.

50. Yes, it is. Let's have a look at it.

51. It doesn't even look very nice.

52. I'm a better shade of green than that, Kerry.

53. Come on, Kerry.

54. I think guacamole is exciting because it's delicious. Right.

55. OK, wait.

56. And it's got a very narrow window of good times,

57. cos it goes brown, doesn't it? Literally the next day.

58. You don't ever eat it alone, it's a shared dish. It's a party dish.

59. Oh, you can read his alone, can't you, Alex?

60. I often do.

61. OK, I see where you're coming from. What?

62. That it's shit.

63. Jess?

64. Most exciting thing beginning with G. Ooh, what?

65. Most exciting PERSON beginning with G...

66. Oh, no.

67. Greg!

68. Greg...

69. Signed Greg Davies merch.

70. So, I asked you to sign it,

71. but then you started asking me questions about who it was for.

72. And you said it was for your dad, and that he was a big fan of mine.

73. Yes.

74. And then you said, "What's your dad's name?"

75. And then I thought it had to begin with G, cos I got confused,

76. pretended it's Gordon. But it's still exciting.

77. So, that whole thing the other night was a total lie?

78. What's your dad really called?

79. Peter.

80. Rhod. It's an exciting thing beginning with G. Please.

81. Well, I took a little trip down to Wem.

82. That's my hometown.

83. Your mum showed me round all your childhood and teenage toys.

84. Yeah. Let's see the picture. There we go.

85. A confusing Six Million Dollar Man in his underpants.

86. Hey, when he's been running really fast, he gets hot.

87. What's beginning with G?

88. It's Greg's toy collection.

89. You were hoping to humiliate me with these toys, weren't you?

90. 'No, I thought you would be excited to see toys you probably haven't seen for 40 years.

91. I am. I'm excited to see this Six Million Dollar Man.

92. The glove puppets were my sister's, so fuck you.

93. Well, I think that "fuck you" should be directed at your mother,

94. because she said... She said you'd say that.

95. James. Yes. So far the worst round in Taskmaster history.

96. Can you save it?

97. I'm pretty sure I can.

98. Gandhi's glasses.

99. Did you just get any old glasses and say they are his glasses?

100. No. Did not do that. Those are Gandhi's glasses.

101. Mahatma Gandhi's glasses? They are Mahatma Gandhi's glasses.

102. He had a vision for the world,

103. and he was given vision by those glasses.

104. It does say on the Internet that Gandhi's glasses

105. sold in 2009 for 1.8 million. Oh, OK.

106. Over the years they've gone down in value.

107. It seems they're just an old pair of glasses and a lot of bullshit.

108. OK, for the first time in Taskmaster history,

109. no-one is getting five points for this round.

110. I'm going to give two people two points and three people one point.

111. Two points for Rhod, and I'm going to give two points to James.

112. For Gandhi's glasses? What?

113. These three, absolutely shit.

114. That's it.

115. Two points, two points, you get one.

116. That have our first proper task, Alex.

117. OK, we have a task that is off the wall, by Michael Jackson. Ready?

118. Hello. Hello, Jessica.

119. Hmm...

120. "Throw something into the bin on the other side of this fence.

121. This fence? Yes.

122. "You may not use ladders, you may not touch the fence,

123. "and you must stay this side of the fence."

124. '"You may not use ladders." That chair is a ladder.

125. 'That's not a ladder. It is a ladder. That is not a ladder.

126. 'It is a ladder. That is not a ladder. It is a ladder. That is not a ladder. It is a ladder.

127. 'It's not a ladder. It looks like a ladder. It's not a ladder.

128. 'It is a ladder. That is not a ladder. It is a ladder.

129. "Fastest wins. Your time starts now."

130. I can't see. Can I drill a hole?

131. No.

132. 'I keep fighting this instinct to characterise you as a sort of cockney wideboy.

133. 'You keep doing things like, "I'll get a drill, drill a hole in it."

134. "That's it, sorted!" I don't know what the problem is.

135. I don't have a problem with that. It delights me.

136. Watching you argue whether a ladder is not a ladder is honestly

137. like every conversation I've ever had with you.

138. It's not. There you go.

139. Do you want to start by watching James Acaster going berserk?

140. Of course I do.

141. I mean, we all know what I'm about to do, and it's going to be...

142. No! Why did I do that? Why did I even try that?

143. No?

144. Not in the bin. Not in the bin.

145. Not in the bin.

146. Not in the bin.

147. Not in the bin.

148. Oh! Sorry, guys.

149. Not in the bin.

150. Not in the bin. Nothing in the bin.

151. Aha! I can see it.

152. This general area.

153. Not in the bin.

154. Alex? Can you give me a hand?

155. Put it down there, please.

156. CLANG

157. CLANG

158. Not in the bin. It does have to go into the bin. Yes.

159. All the fezzes at once.

160. Good shot, James. Yep.

161. So, your initial impulse, just start throwing stuff.

162. Yeah. I thought that maybe the first thing I threw would go in,

163. and then I'd be a hero.

164. And everyone would go crazy.

165. And what happened was, I'm not exaggerating,

166. a waking nightmare.

167. I...

168. .. was so stressed out during all of that,

169. even more stressful when I watched it back and realised I got

170. the location of the bin completely wrong.

171. 76 items, he threw.

172. It took 19 minutes and 10 seconds.

173. OK, who's next?

174. We're going to see two people whose extended names are the same as

175. two digital brands. It's Philips and Jessops. Phil and Jess.

176. Right.

177. Oh, God! Be very careful. Oh, God! Don't let go.

178. I've just remembered that I haven't got anything to throw.

179. There's a bin. And there's a guy playing golf.

180. It seems like very far away.

181. But I feel like there is another closer bin.

182. What are you throwing? My hairband.

183. Oh, come on.

184. Aha!

185. Overshot.

186. CLANG HE EXHALES

187. Hey hey!

188. Hey hey!

189. Yay!

190. Yay!

191. Thank you for the opportunity.

192. So, the old bin and tyre technique, eh?

193. The old bin and tyre. It was very, very quick.

194. No, it wasn't.

195. It would've been quick if you'd done it quicker. You took...

196. ..seven minutes and 35 seconds.

197. That's really fast.

198. Phil tried to do something clever initially, right?

199. Well, he spotted a bin way off in the distance. Yeah.

200. Which turned out to be just part of the golf course.

201. 'And so I thought there's actually another bin which is really close, which is right next to the...

202. That's what I thought you had presumed,

203. there was a sneaky bin there, but there wasn't.

204. So, once I established there wasn't anything close,

205. jumped on a drawing table, saw it,

206. and just wanged that satsuma into the bin.

207. An apple, but, yes.

208. Was it a good time? Tell me now.

209. Seven minutes and 35 to beat.

210. Seven minutes...

211. ..19.

212. Hot damn!

213. So fast!

214. Right, off you go. Have a break. Make it snappy.

215. We've got great TV to make here, for God's sake.

216. Hello and welcome back to Taskmaster. What's going on, Alex?

217. We had a little task taking place where the contestants had to

218. get something in a bin on the other side of the fence.

219. Tricky, but not as tricky as James made it look.

220. Next up, we've got Rhod and Kerry.

221. Let me just see if I can hear anything.

222. THUD

223. Well, I don't know where the bin is, do I? It's not there.

224. Ow. Is anything in it yet? No.

225. There's nothing there.

226. Watch the back of my head.

227. Right, I've got you.

228. ELECTRIC DRILL

229. Oh, right.

230. DRILL WHIRS

231. Oh. I don't see how I'm going to do this.

232. Oh, that's a stupid idea.

233. Are we ready? Yeah. Get a bit closer. To what? To you? The fence.

234. OK. Not to me!

235. Oh!

236. Yes!

237. Yes! Yes!

238. Yes! Yes!

239. Victory at all costs, is it? Yeah.

240. 'You didn't know if there was a party of toddlers behind that fence, did you?

241. Just started shotgunning pebbles over there.

242. It was scatter-gun though. Nobody else went scatter-gun.

243. I should get a point for scatter-gun.

244. He's the only one who thought, "I'm going to cover a wide area."

245. Scatter-gun. Credit where credit's due.

246. It's almost more sensible to use pebbles to cover a large area

247. than to just toss a drainpipe over.

248. Well, you say that, but a drainpipe is long, isn't it,

249. so I thought it would cover quite a lot of mass, so I'd go "dunk".

250. And I did glean that it wasn't where it landed.

251. They were fast, I'll tell you that. They weren't. One of them was. Oh.

252. I think this gravel voiced gimp has done it.

253. 'The gravel voiced gimp used gravel and got it in in three minutes, 17 seconds.

254. Wow. Bloody hell.

255. 'I mean, that's sort of slightly undermined by the "gravel voiced gimp," but I'll take it.

256. Kerry got two seconds and 12 minutes.

257. So, James obviously one point for the last place and Kerry two,

258. 'Jess three, Phil four, but Rhod Gilbert wins the task in five points. Shotgun!

259. Do another current scoreboard? Yes.

260. This episode we have two people, James and Kerry,

261. in joint last, but in the lead with seven points, it's Rhod Gilbert!

262. Right, another lovely task, please. OK, it's a quick one.

263. Blink and you'll miss it.

264. Hello. Hi, Kerry.

265. Pulley system.

266. You want me to give this a little tug? Yes, please.

267. Oh.

268. Too much of a tug. Yeah, that was.

269. "Don't blink." Oops.

270. "Don't blink. Last to blink wins."

271. "Last to blink wins."

272. Right, I want to get them out. How many times do you blink in a day?

273. Your time starts in ten seconds.

274. 1,200 times per hour.

275. 1,200 times an hour. So 28,800 times a day. 28,800 times a day.

276. So, if I blink 28,800 times now,

277. and then I read the rest of the card...

278. I should be in.

279. 'I am not 100% convinced that you don't think that a human has a blink quota.

280. Of course I don't. Don't be silly. But I thought I'd give it a go.

281. OK, well, here are quite a few of them giving it a go.

282. Where do I look? Into the camera, please. That one? Yeah.

283. I'll blow the whistle in seven seconds now. Good luck.

284. Three seconds.

285. Two, one...

286. WHISTLE BLOWS

287. Ah!

288. Oh. WHISTLE BLOWS

289. Actually, I'm doing all right here.

290. This is just how I talk to people anyway.

291. You all right? Yeah.

292. Oh, I think I just blinked.

293. Oh, there's a blink.

294. Wow.

295. That was quite good. What was that? How many seconds?

296. Well, it was one minute, 17 seconds.

297. That's quite a lot for a human.

298. Oh, God! What?

299. I just don't know what you mean, "quite a lot for a human."

300. Some animals don't blink at all, do they? She's got a point.

301. Is that true? Hamsters only wink, genuinely true.

302. Fish and snakes don't. What do you mean hamsters only wink?

303. They can only do one eye at a time. Saucy little devils.

304. James... Just weird, mate.

305. That is how I imagine you sleep.

306. It was exactly the opposite technique to Phil.

307. Before the task he shut his eyes for a full five seconds.

308. If he'd then kept then shut, there would have been no blink.

309. Oh!

310. It's so obvious now!

311. A seven-year-old came up with that, genuinely.

312. We haven't mentioned Kerry's attempt. She came last.

313. She only didn't blink for 11 seconds.

314. Then Phil with 12 seconds, James with 12.4 seconds,

315. but so far Jess in the lead with 77 seconds.

316. When we separate one, it's for one of two reasons.

317. It's gone very well or it's gone very, very badly.

318. I'd say this one is genuinely a bit of both. Yeah. A bit of both!

319. Here is the other one.

320. Are you going to tell me when I start? Yeah.

321. I'll count you down.

322. Five, four, three, two, one.

323. Well, this is fucking agony.

324. Have you got anything like, um...

325. superglue or a staple gun or something like that?

326. Gaffer tape might do it, actually.

327. Yeah. God, please, get the gaffer tape on there.

328. It's killing me.

329. Like this? Yeah.

330. I've got my eyes firmly open, don't you worry about that.

331. I'm not sure that's gaffer taped them at all.

332. I think you've just given me a bandanna.

333. If you want something worth doing...

334. Hang on a minute, I'm just going to have to tip... Tip the tears out.

335. That's a bit better.

336. Oh, that was... Oh! Oh!

337. Your right eye is the worry, I think. Yeah.

338. That's where most of the pain is.

339. Oh, I think I blinked then. Did I blink then?

340. Did I? I think... Was that the blink?

341. I think it is. I think... I don't even know what I'm doing any more.

342. Oh! Oh!

343. Genuinely horrifying to watch.

344. It's like a scene from A Clockwork Orange.

345. I mean, honestly, hand on heart, 15 years of friendship,

346. that's the most impressed I've ever been with you.

347. I mean, he smashed it, surely. He did.

348. I would say that you do get genuine staring competitions.

349. In Australia, they film it.

350. The Australian Broadcasting Corporation said,

351. "At around 17 minutes, the crowd became agitated.

352. "At 30 minutes, the contestants confessed to boredom.

353. "And then at 35, the winner felt like

354. "he was getting a tattoo on his eyeball."

355. WINCING

356. It is painful because your corneas dry up. It is terrible, yeah.

357. You lasted seven minutes and ten seconds.

358. Jesus! Oh, my God!

359. Rhod!

360. Don't try that at home. Which means that Kerry gets one point,

361. two points to Phil, three points to James, four to Jess,

362. obviously, Rhod Gilbert gets all five points.

363. There we are.

364. OK, everyone, I'd just like to take the chance to thank you

365. for watching the first two parts of the show.

366. You've done a great job. I'm so proud of you.

367. Hello. Welcome back to Taskmaster.

368. There's some prize-worthy guacamole seriously on the turn up there,

369. so we need to crack right on with a new task.

370. And this one is a team one.

371. Ooh!

372. Hello. Wow.

373. OK.

374. Hi, Phil.

375. Hello, Rhod. Hello, James.

376. Make the best extension to the Taskmaster house.

377. You have 30 minutes. Your time starts now.

378. Right! Come on. Build an extension.

379. Well, we need a foreman.

380. Phil, you're dressed like a foreman.

381. Nice extension for my little house.

382. Somewhere I can relax.

383. Let's start with the former soap stars

384. turned home improvement presenters,

385. it's Donna and Donna. OK?

386. We're going to do this in under 30 minutes if anything. Easy.

387. Do we need guttering?

388. Because if it rains...

389. I'm going to say that we can probably go easy on the guttering.

390. Oh, my God, the garage is open.

391. OK, look, these are sturdier bits of pole.

392. Look at these massive spoons!

393. Oh, mate, that's...

394. That's not going to work.

395. One bit of bad weather and that's not going to hold.

396. You've got eight minutes.

397. Just going to put a throw cushion in there. Yes.

398. Cat flap? Yeah.

399. Cat for the cat flap.

400. What more can we do?

401. I am actually happy with that.

402. Let's have a cup of tea in it.

403. Oh, no, there's no cups.

404. Let's have a banana, then.

405. Just a celebratory banana. Banana.

406. Honey, I'm home!

407. Yoo-hoo!

408. WHISTLE

409. I mean, classic Godliman quotes there.

410. "No, no, no...

411. "No, one bit of bad weather, that's not going to hold."

412. First of all, it was sensible. Approached it sensibly.

413. Then you went the other side of that

414. with "Look at these massive spoons."

415. Can we have a look at the end product? Yeah.

416. It's worth admiring the ambitious brickwork

417. which is the other way round to normal.

418. The only thing that is missing from that house

419. is two litres of white cider.

420. Can I ask a question? Yes, James.

421. Was the garage open for us as well? You will see.

422. I mean, it absolutely was, but you'll see, James...

423. We could have gone in the garage? Yeah.

424. I...

425. Oh, my God.

426. Well, we've seen Phil's extension before, so...

427. .. high hopes for him and his team.

428. Here is how they got on.

429. Can't we move the shed?

430. We take all the stuff out, we knock the back out then we lift it up

431. and we put it down by the front door.

432. You've said "lift it up" like that's going to be a very easy thing to do.

433. Don't even want to know what he's thinking about.

434. That's going to be a help.

435. Rhod? Maybe give me a hand?

436. 30 minutes, Rhod. 30 minutes.

437. I've got an idea.

438. And we're going to need a lorry.

439. But...

440. Where are we going to get a lorry?

441. Reverse the lorry onto the front of the house... Uh-huh?

442. And that is a better extension than this.

443. Well, phone a lorry, then!

444. And we'll do this while you're phoning a lorry.

445. You do that. Right. He's nearly 50.

446. Oh!

447. Hmm... I guess that was always going to happen.

448. Get some furniture from inside the house.

449. Where's the lorry?

450. Couldn't get a lorry.

451. I'm making an extension here.

452. Well, why aren't you doing it with us down there?

453. Well, if we do two, we'll have a better shot at it.

454. Absolutely ridiculous.

455. Rhod, what is that?

456. Don't try and reason with him, Phil!

457. Pass us that tape, Philip. The one here?

458. What?

459. He did... They're very charming, the Irish.

460. Well, how's yours going?

461. Going all right when Phil was helping me.

462. So you've done two extensions, have you?

463. That's not an extension.

464. That's a poster.

465. What do you think?

466. You've written extension on the garage.

467. Done.

468. Well, thank you.

469. I wanted to be on the girls' team really badly.

470. In seven series, we have never had a group break up during a team task.

471. He didn't want to join us. Me and Phil...

472. He made me foreman and then fucked off.

473. We'd done tasks all day together by that point.

474. That was our final one. Yeah.

475. And I don't know how you've been friends with him for so long.

476. I didn't know until we watched that that at one point,

477. he opened the garage, saw it and then did that.

478. Like, that blows my mind more than anything else!

479. I thought on the day,

480. oh, it's bad enough that he's done that and put the cardboard on

481. and gone "This is an extension" and then kind of looked at us like,

482. "What the fuck you going to do about that?"

483. and then gone back in the house.

484. I didn't know he'd also gone, "Oh, the perfect stuff."

485. And done that shit.

486. This is what Rhod did.

487. There we go.

488. I've appropriated an existing structure.

489. You quite like it, I can see. No, no, I don't like it.

490. The fact that it's an existing structure means that it's not

491. an extension to my house.

492. I want to set fire to it.

493. This is what the little boys did.

494. And now I don't know who to hate.

495. OK, this is what I'm going to do.

496. Kerry and Jess, great cooperation.

497. Oh, lovely. A wonderful final product. Thank you.

498. And a lovely home life they've created for themselves.

499. I'm going to give them four points each. Four points each.

500. Congratulations to the ladies.

501. And just because I can't bear to give no points out,

502. I'm going to give Rhod and the spineless Phil one point each.

503. I was being kind! OK, one point.

504. I was being kind to the elderly.

505. You've got to learn. Listen, you've got to learn.

506. It's too late for him.

507. He'll be in a home. In five, six years, he'll be in a home.

508. Oh, and I'm going to build an extension on that home.

509. James, I felt his pain.

510. I loved it.

511. So I'm going to give James two points.

512. So, one point to each of these, four points to these

513. and two points to James Acaster. All right.

514. What's the next task?

515. It's a seasonal task.

516. Oh, hi.

517. Hello, Jess. It's a party... hat.

518. Do I put that all before I read the task? I don't know.

519. Shall I? I don't know yet.

520. Oh...

521. Make the best Christmas cracker.

522. You have ten minutes to order your materials

523. and 20 minutes to make your Christmas cracker.

524. Hoo-hoo-hoo! Your time starts now.

525. OK...

526. These are the bits of crap

527. that I've received over the years in a cracker -

528. tiny, tiny screwdrivers,

529. tiny tape measures,

530. little torch... Mm-hm?

531. Just going to shut out the voices.

532. You went into a trance?

533. Well, I found a technique was to try and lock out

534. some of the worst madness.

535. I should say, Rhod had his eyes shut for nine minutes.

536. Would have won the blinking task with that.

537. OK, well, should we start with Rhod and Jess's crackers together?

538. Oh, no. Yes!

539. It's amazing because when you see it in Greg's hand,

540. it's a totally normal-sized cracker.

541. And, then...

542. OK, ready?

543. Pull the cracker! One, two, three!

544. Merry Christmas, Taskmaster!

545. Oh, hang on a second.

546. Bang!

547. Get the present out.

548. Oh, look at that.

549. Oh, wow, magical.

550. There's your hat.

551. Inside is a lovely vanity kit for the Taskmaster,

552. including nail file, cotton buds...

553. .. and little tweezers.

554. There's your Christmas joke. You can read that, we can have a laugh.

555. What do penguins eat for Christmas dinner?

556. Iceberg lettuce.

557. Oh! That's terrible!

558. That's what everyone does cos it's Christmas.

559. What's that? Lovely, made-to-measure Christmas hat for the Taskmaster.

560. His head is, essentially...

561. It's the same size as one human head

562. plus a horse's head immediately next to it.

563. What's that?

564. It's a credit card. It's my credit card.

565. Oh! Merry Christmas.

566. Merry Christmas, Taskmaster.

567. There was a sense of Christmas wonder on your face

568. throughout that I enjoyed. Oh, good. What was the credit card all about?

569. I actually asked for an iPad but, then... And a puppy. And a puppy.

570. You were going to put a live puppy?

571. Obviously, live!

572. Happy Christmas!

573. I realised that I couldn't fit it into the tube.

574. So, I stole Alex's credit card. Right.

575. I think that's the nicest you've ever been to me.

576. There were some genuinely nice touches in there. And thoughtful.

577. I loved your personal vanity could. Thank you.

578. Then you went and ruined it by suggesting my head is the size

579. of one person's normal head plus a horse's head.

580. Right. This, ladies and gentlemen, is how part three ends.

581. Hello! It's part four.

582. It's Taskmaster, and we are in the middle of a festive task.

583. Yes, the best Christmas cracker,

584. that's all they've got to make. Next up is Kerry.

585. Yes, yes!

586. Oh!

587. Right.

588. When we pull it... Uh-huh.

589. ..you have to let your bangers off at the same time.

590. One... two...

591. .. three, go!

592. I'm trying to get... You've got to want it, haven't you?

593. You've got to want it.

594. SHE STRAINS

595. SHE GIGGLES

596. Oh!

597. THEY LET OFF THEIR BANGERS

598. Hey! I won.

599. Ooh!

600. Look! Hat. Yeah.

601. All the prizes.

602. We've got the torch, cards, key ring,

603. all the crap but not in a useless size.

604. Well done, Kerry. Thanks.

605. Made it a little difficult to pull that particular cracker.

606. I thought you just hadn't quite mastered the system to get

607. the cracker to break and then Alex leant over to me and went,

608. "Just so you know, that's just a drainpipe."

609. You knew it was just a drainpipe and you still committed to it.

610. We both thought one of us might win.

611. I like the idea of upscaling the rubbish gifts to full-size gifts.

612. To normal useful-size. Was there a joke in there? Yes. Well, no.

613. We couldn't show it cos she put in two pages of A4,

614. which was her whole Edinburgh show.

615. Who's next? Two former friends, Phil and James.

616. Merry Christmas. And a happy New Year.

617. Merry Christmas, Alex. Whoever wins the cracker will get this crown,

618. which I think you'll find is a much higher quality crown

619. than you usually get in a cracker.

620. It's not in the cracker. But it's part of the cracker set.

621. Are you ready? Yes. Merry Christmas!

622. I think I won.

623. Merry Christmas!

624. Can I put the crown on? Yeah, yeah, sorry.

625. Well done.

626. There's Bisto but you just add water to that

627. and then you've got gravy as well.

628. Read it.

629. Why does Santa have three gardens?

630. I don't know, why does Santa have three gardens?

631. None of your business.

632. And you wear it as a hat. Pardon?

633. You wear this as a hat as well.

634. What is Santa's favourite number?

635. I don't know, what is Santa's favourite number?

636. Twelves.

637. Twelves because "elves" in it.

638. So, when people say "What's your favourite number?"

639. to Santa, he says "Twelves"?

640. Yeah, just put it on your head.

641. The gravy makes it stick.

642. They've both gone down a very similar route here,

643. a full Christmas. A just add water Christmas dinner. Yeah.

644. No water needed for mine. No, and a full bottle of wine, which is...

645. .. incredible.

646. My one came with fork and knives

647. and mine you could take outside into the woods.

648. Where we all love to spend Christmas.

649. Out in the woods. In one of Santa's gardens.

650. So, I'm going to tell you this.

651. I like providing a whole Christmas but I don't like it thrown

652. all over the floor. So, I'm going to give Phil Wang five points.

653. Holy shit!

654. Everyone else's very festive, lots to commend all of them.

655. I'm going to give them all three points.

656. OK, three, three, three, five, three, there we go.

657. Right, everyone on that side of the room, please stand up and

658. move yourselves to the stage for the final task of the show!

659. Who's going read the task out?

660. Kerry Godliman is going to read the task out.

661. "Walk over and hit that drum

662. "in exactly 9.58 seconds.

663. "Also, there are two bonus points for the person

664. "with the most magnificent... walk."

665. The four who are not walking are going to be blindfolded,

666. in case they get hints on what is most magnificent.

667. James, you're first. Where going left-to-right.

668. Not me first! Come on, James.

669. Does anyone have any questions? What happens if we fall off the stage?

670. You don't need to walk blindfolded. You should be all right.

671. OK, Greg, are you ready for the first walk?

672. I'm ready for the first walk in 9.58 seconds.

673. On my whistle... here we go.

674. WHISTLE BLOWS

675. Hand on heart, that is not far away from your normal walk.

676. Next to walk is Jessica Knappett. Good luck, Jess.

677. WHISTLE BLOWS

678. Shit.

679. I am fine.

680. Are you all right? I feel fine. I think it was worth it.

681. Please tell me you fell off.

682. She set the bar pretty high.

683. Kerry Godliman, please remove your blindfold.

684. Unless you're going to set yourself on fire, you're not going to win.

685. Please walk on the whistle.

686. WHISTLE BLOWS

687. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight... nine!

688. Wow! What a horrible character.

689. Phil Wang. Please walk on the whistle.

690. WHISTLE BLOWS

691. Welcome, Rhod.

692. OK, I need you for this.

693. I will do whatever you say, if you could start on the mark.

694. You're going to walk me down the... Am I?

695. It's nice to know Jess isn't the only one who's going to get hurt.

696. WHISTLE BLOWS

697. Come down here for the final scores!

698. Well... that was eventful.

699. If I don't win this task now...

700. ..you are dead inside.

701. I mean...

702. Ladies and gentlemen, two points for the most magnificent walk.

703. Let's hear about the timings.

704. It is less good news for Jess in terms of...

705. .. who was closest to 9.58 seconds.

706. Just struck the drum

707. after 27.20 seconds.

708. In fourth place, gaining two points,

709. he struck the drum after 6.1 seconds,

710. 3.48 seconds out, that's Phil Wang.

711. Two points.

712. Very close to that, very close to that in third place,

713. 6.15 seconds was Kerry Godliman, so you get three points.

714. Despite my counting!

715. And exactly - this is amazing - exactly 11.18 seconds...

716. .. James Acaster, in second place, four points.

717. Rhod Gilbert, walking on his hands,

718. struck it in nine seconds and wins five points!

719. Blimey!

720. Yes, blimey, as it means now in the series scoreboard,

721. Phil Wang has hit 100 points!

722. We then have James on 116,

723. Rhod and Kerry both on 124,

724. but the hero, Jess, is on 127!

725. In today's episode, do you want to hear who won? Yeah.

726. It was not tied to the end.

727. Our runaway leader with 21 points is Mr Rhod Gilbert!

728. Please go and collect your exciting things,

729. beginning with the letter G, Rhod Gilbert!

730. So, what have we learnt today?

731. We've learned that whatever has happened at work, you might

732. have had an argument with your boss, or you might have

733. fallen off a stage, but at least none of you have felt

734. anywhere near as angry as this.

735. And Rhod Gilbert won of course.

736. Sensational skills and triumph of humanity. Episode eight next.

737. Have a nice little rest and we'll see you there. Bye!