1. Ah!Copy !req
2. Whoo!Copy !req
3. No!Copy !req
4. Agh...Copy !req
5. Ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
6. Thank you and welcome to Taskmaster
with your host,Copy !req
7. trophy model and humble
tyrant Greg Davies. Hi.Copy !req
8. Right, let's get episode five
under wayCopy !req
9. and meet our five
galloping Goliaths.Copy !req
10. They are James Acaster...Copy !req
11. .. Jessica Knappett...Copy !req
12. .. Kerry Godliman...Copy !req
13. .. Phil Wang...Copy !req
14. .. and Rhod Gilbert.Copy !req
15. And next to me, he's a desperate,
nervous twitch of a man,Copy !req
16. but he's all mine.Copy !req
17. Oh, who is it?Copy !req
18. Little Alex Horne!Copy !req
19. It's little Alex Horne!Copy !req
20. I thought today
we could have a game of...Copy !req
21. Can we have a game of truth or dare?Copy !req
22. Er, yes. Certainly. OK.Copy !req
23. Truth... Truth or dare? No.Copy !req
24. No, I... Yeah.Copy !req
25. Truth. Truth? OK.Copy !req
26. I want you to eat
this dog biscuit...Copy !req
27. .. or you can take the dare.Copy !req
28. Dare. Dare. Dare? Dare.Copy !req
29. Eat this dog biscuit.
Eat the dog biscuit.Copy !req
30. All of it.Copy !req
31. Aw! No.Copy !req
32. What a glossy beard you're going
to have afterwards, though.Copy !req
33. Enough tomfoolery.
We've an episode to begin.Copy !req
34. Yes, it's prize task time
and for episode five,Copy !req
35. we've asked them to drag in the
worst present from a named relative.Copy !req
36. Ooh!Copy !req
37. Yep. Fascinating response.Copy !req
38. At the end of the proceedings,
the person with the most pointsCopy !req
39. will take home the worst presents,Copy !req
40. sort of like a bad birthday,
but good. OK?Copy !req
41. Yes, I see. OK, bad presents.
Bad presents.Copy !req
42. Rhod, what have you brought in?Copy !req
43. I have brought in a present
that my named relative, wife Sian,Copy !req
44. gave to me and I think you, for one,
Mr Davies, will appreciate it.Copy !req
45. I... I will appreciate that because
I bought that for Rhod's wife.Copy !req
46. Yes, you did.Copy !req
47. I only gave her it two weeks ago,
the cheeky...Copy !req
48. Has she genuinely given it
to you? Yes!Copy !req
49. What did you expect her to
do with it? Treasure it?Copy !req
50. So, it's on its third recipient,
potentially, tonight,Copy !req
51. in as many weeks. Yeah.Copy !req
52. That's coming back to me
at some point, isn't it?Copy !req
53. Right, good. Jessica.Copy !req
54. Well, I've chosen this sartorial
nightmare from my mother.Copy !req
55. I was 14 when I received this.Copy !req
56. What happens when you wear
long opera gloves and a feather boaCopy !req
57. to the senior school disco?Copy !req
58. You do not get fingered.Copy !req
59. What happens is you watch
your mate, Nell...Copy !req
60. Get fingered?
.. getting off with the guyCopy !req
61. that you wanted to get off with
in the school car park.Copy !req
62. Yeah, but where's Nell now?Copy !req
63. Nell's happy.Copy !req
64. Is she? Yeah.Copy !req
65. It's a pretty, pretty awful giftCopy !req
66. and I'm sorry that it brought you
down on your special night.Copy !req
67. James.Copy !req
68. My wife, Nell...Copy !req
69. Erm... No, no.Copy !req
70. This present was given
to me by my...Copy !req
71. ..at the time, five-year-old nephew.Copy !req
72. He made me a calendar for the year
and for each month,Copy !req
73. he made up a joke because he knows
that I'm a comedianCopy !req
74. and he drew a picture
to go along with it.Copy !req
75. That sounds lovely!Copy !req
76. I mean, honestly,
it sounds absolutely charming.Copy !req
77. Er... Do you like people trying
to give you material, mate?Copy !req
78. Here's what it looks like.
There's April.Aw!Copy !req
79. What did one broccoli
say to the other?Copy !req
80. "You stink because you've got
poo on your face."Copy !req
81. That's a good joke.
That is a good joke.Copy !req
82. I think that's a great gag.Copy !req
83. I don't know how everyone else
feels. I think so far,Copy !req
84. I think it's utterly charming
and I think you're very cruel.Copy !req
85. Do you want to say anything
to him down the camera?Copy !req
86. I really like him, to be honest.Copy !req
87. Kerry, what have you brought in?Copy !req
88. Mine are dream catcher,
yin-yang dangly earrings.Copy !req
89. Here they are.Copy !req
90. Lovely!Copy !req
91. Who bought you these?Copy !req
92. Right, my mum gave them to me
and her mate made them.Copy !req
93. I mean, to combine the yin-yang
sign and a dream catcher...Copy !req
94. Yeah. ..is sensational.Copy !req
95. Because if you're a new age
kind of hippie lady,Copy !req
96. that's double whammy, innit?Copy !req
97. Yin-yang and a dream catcher?
Oh, God, it's all sorted.Copy !req
98. Because you want balance
for your yin and yang,Copy !req
99. but you want your dreams to
get caught. Of course you do!Copy !req
100. I mean, they're disgusting.Copy !req
101. Phil. Erm, I don't get many gifts
from loved ones.Copy !req
102. Apropos of nothing.
Aw! Yeah. Well, I'm practical.Copy !req
103. I'll ask for, like, favours
so I'll get a watch...Copy !req
104. I'll ask someone to get
a watch re-strappedCopy !req
105. or, like, pay my council tax for a
year or something. Something useful.Copy !req
106. So I got my sister,
who is named Emmy,Copy !req
107. to just give me some used
toilet roll.Copy !req
108. There it is. So, I think...Copy !req
109. I don't think anyone's going
to have a worse gift than literalCopy !req
110. shit on the toilet paper.Copy !req
111. But you asked her to.
I asked her to.Copy !req
112. I'm here to win, I'm not here
to make friends.Copy !req
113. It's a great gift, though, because
if you get what you asked for,Copy !req
114. that's the perfect gift, isn't it?Copy !req
115. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!Copy !req
116. No, he's got
a very good point, Phil.Copy !req
117. Right. I've made some decisions.
OK. Last place?Copy !req
118. Because it's not a sincere gift,Copy !req
119. one point for Phil Wang. Argh!Copy !req
120. Two points, and he's lucky
to get these... Right?Copy !req
121. .. because I thought that calendar
was absolutely charming.Copy !req
122. So did I. Ha-ha!Copy !req
123. I love that calendar. Suck it!Copy !req
124. I'm going to make a note of that.Copy !req
125. We'll drill down into what "it" is
later, off-camera.Copy !req
126. Right, I'm going to give Kerry
three points. Three? Fair enough.Copy !req
127. Rhod, four points. In second place?Copy !req
128. And just because I think there's
a great tragedy...Copy !req
129. ..in the idea of Jessica Knappett in
long gloves being ignored by boys,Copy !req
130. five points to Jessica Knappett.Copy !req
131. Slow revenge!Copy !req
132. Let's move on. Alex. OK.Copy !req
133. First task and I'll make sure
this one delivers.Copy !req
134. Where is he?Copy !req
135. Where's Alex?Copy !req
136. Deliver this task to Alex
in the most spectacular way.Copy !req
137. Alex is in his caravan.Copy !req
138. You have one hour.Copy !req
139. Your time starts now.Copy !req
140. Inside a cake.Copy !req
141. No. It's not very good,
it's not very spectacular.Copy !req
142. Oh, if we could put it in a cake.Copy !req
143. What are they called? Those...Copy !req
144. Bertie Bassett,
what are they called?Copy !req
145. The singing, dancing...Copy !req
146. Busby Berkeley, not Bertie Bassett.Copy !req
147. I think that will be spectacular.Copy !req
148. OK.Copy !req
149. Well, I'll tell you this,Copy !req
150. double points if Kerry ends up being
dressed as Bertie Bassett.Copy !req
151. Well, we can start with...Copy !req
152. Do you want to start with Kerry?
Yes, please.Copy !req
153. This is Kerry God-delivery-man.
Here we go.Copy !req
154. Alex! Yes? Come out!Copy !req
155. One, two, three, four...Copy !req
156. Pow! Drum roll!Copy !req
157. Come on. Just spin around with me.Copy !req
158. All right. Look up there, Alex.Copy !req
159. Look up there. And...Copy !req
160. Oh!Copy !req
161. How long do they do this for?
Well...Copy !req
162. Best leave them to it
for a bit. Yeah.Copy !req
163. All right, well, thank you.Copy !req
164. ♪ Doo, doo-doo!Copy !req
165. I thought it would be better done.Copy !req
166. I've got to say, so far,
across the series,Copy !req
167. Kerry has absolutely
demolished the competition.Copy !req
168. She's absolutely smashed it.Copy !req
169. But, hand on heart -
I like to tell the truth - that...Copy !req
170. .. that was shit...Copy !req
171. .. on so many levels.
Really? Really?Copy !req
172. On so many levels. What levels?Copy !req
173. Well, I mean, I'll just pluck them
at random,Copy !req
174. but the soundtrack.Copy !req
175. Oh... It was catchy, though.Copy !req
176. It will stay with you.Copy !req
177. Mm... Yeah.
♪ Doo, doo-doo!Copy !req
178. All right, fuck you.Copy !req
179. Well, I'll tell you now, that is
NOT going to take some beating.Copy !req
180. That's the end of this part
of the show. Bye for now.Copy !req
181. Hello.Copy !req
182. And we're back. I'm psyched.Copy !req
183. Are you psyched, Alex?Copy !req
184. If you mean miked,
then, yes, I'm mikedCopy !req
185. for sound. Hello, can you hear me?Copy !req
186. Before the break...Copy !req
187. I find Alex's jokes incredibly
irritating. Incredibly irritating.Copy !req
188. Before the break - thank you -
I was sat in my caravanCopy !req
189. awaiting the most
spectacular deliveryCopy !req
190. of the very task the
contestants had opened.Copy !req
191. Phil Wang is next...Copy !req
192. ..to the man we're going to see now.Copy !req
193. It's Rhod Gilbert.Copy !req
194. Hello. Alex. Yes?Copy !req
195. I want you to listen very carefully.Copy !req
196. Inside this bin...Copy !req
197. .. are some gloves...
Do you want me to put them on?Copy !req
198. .. protective goggles,
a crash helmet,Copy !req
199. some loo roll if you need it,Copy !req
200. if it goes wrong.Copy !req
201. This can act as a shield.Copy !req
202. You'll need to get in that bin,Copy !req
203. get down that end as far as you can
down that end of the caravan.Copy !req
204. You get down...
Right. Get down.Copy !req
205. .. and you get ready
to receive the task.Copy !req
206. Thank you, Rhod.Copy !req
207. I'm in the bin.Copy !req
208. The shield's up.Copy !req
209. I think I'm ready.Copy !req
210. Bloody hell.Copy !req
211. Thank you, Rhod.
You made a hole in my caravan.Copy !req
212. Yeah. Sorry!Copy !req
213. It's kind of gone straight
through the other side.Copy !req
214. Thanks, Rhod.Copy !req
215. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
216. A misthrow would have gone...Copy !req
217. Yeah. .. through the wrong part of
the caravan and killed Alex.Copy !req
218. At the time, I was shitting myself.Copy !req
219. So, I didn't know it was coming
and afterwards... You didn't know.Copy !req
220. ..I was very surprisedCopy !req
221. that the production crew
allowed him to do it.Copy !req
222. Didn't feel like the goggles would
make that much difference.Copy !req
223. Well, it says something that
to see that sort of rageCopy !req
224. come from a friend, to see Alex's
life genuinely endangered,Copy !req
225. my heart was genuinely
pounding and yet,Copy !req
226. I'm still thinking
about how shit Kerry's was.Copy !req
227. Who are going to see now, Alex?Copy !req
228. Next up, it's a caster.Copy !req
229. It's a...Copy !req
230. James A...Copy !req
231. It's James Acaster.Copy !req
232. Cue music.Copy !req
233. Hello? Come out.Copy !req
234. Cue fireworks.Copy !req
235. Cue postman.Copy !req
236. Richard Osman.Copy !req
237. Finished? Yeah.Copy !req
238. Fireworks, Santa.Copy !req
239. Why is he doing that?Copy !req
240. Christmas.Copy !req
241. We'd better get this out of the way.
I'm livid. You seem angry.Copy !req
242. I am livid! Yeah, why?Copy !req
243. Because I asked for fireworks and
I didn't get them and, secondly,Copy !req
244. that's one of the blokes I had
dancing for me.Copy !req
245. He's dancing better for him.Copy !req
246. Why wasn't Kerry allowed fireworks?
Couple of things, couple of things.Copy !req
247. She made the decision to want
fireworks near the end of the hourCopy !req
248. when there was no time. He was
immediately, "I want fireworks."Copy !req
249. Also, his was done
on November the 2nd.Copy !req
250. All sounds very reasonable.Copy !req
251. Well, it had the lot, didn't it?
Fireworks... Fireworks.Copy !req
252. Very easy to get. Beardless Santa.Copy !req
253. Beardless Santa danced wonderfully
because he said some peopleCopy !req
254. don't ask him very nicely to dance.Copy !req
255. LAUGHTER, SOME BOOINGCopy !req
256. It's easier to get Richard OsmanCopy !req
257. than it is to get someone
with a beard, I found out.Copy !req
258. Good work. Who's next?
Well, two left. Jess and Phil.Copy !req
259. Who shall we see first? Definitely
not Phil, so let's see Jess.Copy !req
260. Alex!Copy !req
261. Come out now!Copy !req
262. Lovely.Copy !req
263. Oh, who's that?Copy !req
264. It's a very little Alex Horne.Copy !req
265. They liked it.Copy !req
266. It didn't look quite as spectacular
on-screen as it did in my mind.Copy !req
267. It will be the first spectacular
event of all timeCopy !req
268. to elicit silence from an audience.Copy !req
269. You could have sung a song.Copy !req
270. Like...
♪ Doo, do-do!Copy !req
271. I don't think that would have made
it better, as we found in yours.Copy !req
272. Spectacular means "beautiful in
a dramatic and eye-catching way."Copy !req
273. I asked for a fucking
hot-air balloonCopy !req
274. and they wouldn't give it to me!Copy !req
275. Oh! Oh... I got given one of them,
but I didn't use it.Copy !req
276. Well, let's have a look at another.
There's one left.Copy !req
277. The last man is Phil Wang.
Yes, please. Here comes Phil.Copy !req
278. Hello, Alex.Copy !req
279. I'm American celebrity Taylor Swift.Copy !req
280. Thank you, Taylor.Copy !req
281. Hwa!Copy !req
282. Oh. It...Copy !req
283. It says "Eff you, James Acsater."Copy !req
284. What's this?Copy !req
285. When we started filming this,
I thought that James and ICopy !req
286. would have, like, a rivalry,Copy !req
287. and then I forgot about that.Copy !req
288. Taylor Swift, a big icon for you?
Well, just a big celebrity.Copy !req
289. A big, famous celebrity. Yeah.Copy !req
290. Well, it he managed to get the
actual Osman.Copy !req
291. I got... That was actually...
What, you don't think that was...?Copy !req
292. Oh, OK. Maybe that was the actual
Taylor Swift.Copy !req
293. Thank you. Gut instinct tells me
it was a not-senior memberCopy !req
294. of production crew who comes
from the North of England.Copy !req
295. You want to judge them, Greg?
Yeah. Yes, I do.Copy !req
296. One point - Kerry. Awful.Copy !req
297. Two points - Phil. Insane.Copy !req
298. Three...Copy !req
299. Three points - Jess.Copy !req
300. Beautiful and calm.Copy !req
301. Four points - Rhod.Copy !req
302. Incredible, worryingly angry.
So that's second place. What?Copy !req
303. Yeah. Which means first
place goes to...?Copy !req
304. Well, so much going on.
It's Acaster.Copy !req
305. OK.Copy !req
306. Five points to James Acaster.Copy !req
307. Alex, would you be so kind as
to show us the scoreboard?Copy !req
308. Well, it's exciting.Copy !req
309. Phil is way back on three points,
but we have joint leaders.Copy !req
310. Jess and Rhod both have
eight points. Yes, please.Copy !req
311. Very good.
Right, chuck another one up.Copy !req
312. OK. Here's something ever so
slightly different.Copy !req
313. Oh!Copy !req
314. Hello, Jess. Hiya.Copy !req
315. Hi, Alex. Hello, Phil.Copy !req
316. Hi, Rhod. Hi.Copy !req
317. Hi, James.Copy !req
318. Make as many white circles on the
target as possible.Copy !req
319. You must not step beyond...Copy !req
320. .. this rope.Copy !req
321. You must not move this rope or the
target. You have five minutes.Copy !req
322. You have five minutes.Copy !req
323. Five minutes.
Five minutes.Copy !req
324. You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now.Copy !req
325. What? I'm feeling like I was
made to make white circlesCopy !req
326. for a very long amount of time.
Yeah.Copy !req
327. Well, everyone else was asked
to do it for five minutesCopy !req
328. and Phil, clearly, for 20. Why so?Copy !req
329. So, it's those four against Phil.Copy !req
330. They're a team. Phil is by himself.Copy !req
331. In theory, you've got
an advantage here, Phil,Copy !req
332. because you can make your plan and
you've got longer to make it happen.Copy !req
333. This feels like a typo that
you're just trying to style out.Copy !req
334. Oh, there we are!Copy !req
335. I can't believe part two is
finished already.Copy !req
336. Two parts left, though,Copy !req
337. so whoo!Copy !req
338. Welcome! Welcome, welcome.Copy !req
339. You're all welcome,
even the tossers.Copy !req
340. This is...Copy !req
341. This is Taskmaster, so there must
have been a task under way.Copy !req
342. Right every time.Copy !req
343. The current task involves trying
to make circles from a distanceCopy !req
344. on a target. The twist is,
four of the competitors -Copy !req
345. namely James, Jess, Kerry and Rhod -Copy !req
346. all had five minutes each
to complete the task.Copy !req
347. Wang had 20.Copy !req
348. OK, first up, it's the four.Copy !req
349. It's Jessie Caster and
Gilbert O'Godliman.Copy !req
350. Ready? Go!Copy !req
351. In five minutes,
I've got to find somethingCopy !req
352. I can make white circles with?
Yes, please.Copy !req
353. I mean, these are white things,
but they don't stick, do they?Copy !req
354. I don't know.Copy !req
355. No, definitely not. No. Er...Copy !req
356. It should reach.Copy !req
357. I just need to tape it.Copy !req
358. I'm not going to get this done
in time! This is ridiculous.Copy !req
359. I can't do this!Copy !req
360. That's not going to make it.Copy !req
361. Shit!Copy !req
362. What's the plan with this?Copy !req
363. Oh, you'll see.Copy !req
364. I could make white paint out of...Copy !req
365. .. yoghurt.Copy !req
366. This is really...Copy !req
367. I need more time, Alex!Copy !req
368. You've got one minute 20.Copy !req
369. They're all little circles,
though, aren't they? Oh, yeah.Copy !req
370. Now I've just got to make
the circles.Copy !req
371. Oh! Didn't think of this, did you?Copy !req
372. No.Copy !req
373. Erm...
Is there a time limit on this?Copy !req
374. All the information's
on the task, Jess. Oh...Copy !req
375. Oh, God, I've got five minutes!Copy !req
376. Well, you've got 34 seconds.Copy !req
377. Oh!Copy !req
378. Oh, no! Oh, no!Copy !req
379. Oh, no!Copy !req
380. Oh, no! What am I going to do?Copy !req
381. That's a circle.Copy !req
382. Not a perfect circle.Copy !req
383. Oh!Copy !req
384. Yes!Copy !req
385. No!Copy !req
386. Thanks, Jess. Yeah!Copy !req
387. I mean, Jesus Christ, where do...?Copy !req
388. You don't know what it's like!
You panic.Copy !req
389. Is it too late to change the teams?Copy !req
390. I thought you just had another
breakdownCopy !req
391. when you threw a whole pot,
a family pot of yoghurt at it.Copy !req
392. No, I was trying to create a white
canvas and then put circles onto it.Copy !req
393. And that was genuinely clever, I
thought, when you started making...Copy !req
394. Yeah, but I thought I did
better than that.Copy !req
395. Well, you threw buckets at it.
That was the problem.Copy !req
396. We're going to be quite generousCopy !req
397. with our definition of
a circle here, aren't we?Copy !req
398. Yeah, they don't have to be
a perfect circle.Copy !req
399. I'll show you them, shall we? Yeah.
This is the four of their attempts.Copy !req
400. I think you can work out
which one is Jess's.Copy !req
401. This is how I totted it up.Copy !req
402. A total of 42.Copy !req
403. Can... Can a one-man unit take them
down? That's the question.Copy !req
404. How did the Wang work out?Copy !req
405. What have you got, Phil?Copy !req
406. I have two cans of whipped cream
and two bottlesCopy !req
407. of what I presume to be mayonnaise.Copy !req
408. Oh, shit, that wasn't too bad.
One circle. Fuck, look at that.Copy !req
409. Yeah, it's a really good circle.Copy !req
410. I don't know, maybe, like,
a flick of the wrist.Copy !req
411. Oh, shit, that was OK.Copy !req
412. But the circle was too big.Copy !req
413. OK...Copy !req
414. Almost slipped on the rope.Copy !req
415. That's one bottle done.
I think it's going pretty well.Copy !req
416. I can't imagine anything else
doing better than this. OK.Copy !req
417. Ooh! There's one on the floor.Copy !req
418. Yeah, not on the target.Copy !req
419. Look at that!Copy !req
420. Oh, look at all them circles!Copy !req
421. I'm going to call it a day,Copy !req
422. because I think I'm in danger now
of connecting up the circles.Copy !req
423. Well, you've got seven
and a half minutes left.Copy !req
424. You going to see if you
can get any more? No.Copy !req
425. OK, thank you, Phil. All right.Copy !req
426. Oh, there's a whole universe of
circles here.Copy !req
427. 29... 33...Copy !req
428. 36...Copy !req
429. 37, 38.Copy !req
430. I'm going to say 38.Copy !req
431. 38. There were more!Copy !req
432. You took more time counting
than you did making.Copy !req
433. But that's not the official count.
It's not my...Copy !req
434. I presumed that y'all would count
them out, like...Copy !req
435. Y'all?Copy !req
436. What's happened there?
I'm sorry, you all.Copy !req
437. Yeah, I know what y'all is.
Oh, right.Copy !req
438. W'all did count them up again...Copy !req
439. W'all got 38 as well.Copy !req
440. Oh! 38? Boy...Copy !req
441. Well, I've got to say, it seems
very mean-spirited for that lotCopy !req
442. all to get five points,
especially Jess...Copy !req
443. I...Copy !req
444. .. and for Phil to get nothing.Copy !req
445. It does. And yet...Copy !req
446. .. them's the breaks.Copy !req
447. That's the way the cookie crumbles,
y'all.Copy !req
448. Aw! Oh, mate!Copy !req
449. What's next, then? A task, now.Copy !req
450. A task involving another human.Copy !req
451. Hello, Kerry. Hello.Copy !req
452. Nice day. It's awful.Copy !req
453. It's just an awful day.Copy !req
454. Hello, James. I'm Jeff.
Hello, Jeff. Hi.Copy !req
455. Hello, Phil. I'm Jeff. Hi, Jeff.
Phil. Good to meet you. How are you?Copy !req
456. I'm Jess. Yep. You're Jeff. Exactly.Copy !req
457. Sometimes, people call me Jeff
as a joke. No offence.Copy !req
458. Not... It's funny cos I'm a girl.Copy !req
459. Yes, I noticed.Copy !req
460. Cheer up this former traffic warden.Copy !req
461. You have 20 minutes.Copy !req
462. Your time starts now.Copy !req
463. Why do you need cheering up?Copy !req
464. I have...Copy !req
465. ..a view on the world at the moment,
generally,Copy !req
466. which is not particularly good.Copy !req
467. OK!Copy !req
468. OK.Copy !req
469. Not an easy task.Copy !req
470. Was it tough?Copy !req
471. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
472. First to try and gee-up Jeff
are two fantastic people.Copy !req
473. It's Kerry and Phil. Oh, lovely.Copy !req
474. What's your favourite part of the
UK that you've travelled to?Copy !req
475. Well, I lived in Scotland.
Campbeltown in Argyll, and then...Copy !req
476. Lotta soup.
Lotta soup in Campbeltown.Copy !req
477. A lot of soup in Campbeltown.Copy !req
478. Got it! Time!Copy !req
479. Good one, good one.Copy !req
480. Was that a joke, Phil? Yeah,
yeah, yeah. It was a soup joke.Copy !req
481. Well done.Copy !req
482. Yes, I did that with the
grandchildren.Copy !req
483. Shall we dance?Copy !req
484. I've got dodgy knees.
Dodgy knees. OK.Copy !req
485. One of my favourite bosses
from years gone by...Copy !req
486. Buses? Bosses. OK.Copy !req
487. .. said I'm a Philistine.Copy !req
488. You're a Philistine? Yep.Copy !req
489. I'm Philip Wang.Copy !req
490. Another joke there, Phil.
Another joke. OK.Copy !req
491. Philistine, Philip Wang, is it?
Yeah.Copy !req
492. Are you ticklish, Jeff?Copy !req
493. Mm... You wouldn't be comfortable
with me? I can not be ticklish.Copy !req
494. What about the knees?Copy !req
495. That bit's sore.Copy !req
496. Oh, sorry! Your other knee.Copy !req
497. Yeah, it's sore as well.Copy !req
498. OK.Copy !req
499. We've had some good times. OK.Copy !req
500. Look at what I can do with this,
look at this.Copy !req
501. Thank you very much.Copy !req
502. Take care. Bye-bye.
Goodbye, Phil. Sorry about that.Copy !req
503. It was awful.Copy !req
504. I... I would argue that you - that
you, Kerry - actively annoyed him.Copy !req
505. I don't know what you mean.
"Are you ticklish, Jeff?"Copy !req
506. "No, I've got bad knees."Copy !req
507. "Ha-ha!"Copy !req
508. "Argh! Argh!"Copy !req
509. No, I tickled him, we talked about
his grandchildren, I sang to him.Copy !req
510. No, no, no, no, no. You...Copy !req
511. You sang to him
and he witheringly said,Copy !req
512. "Yes, it's the sort of song I might
sing to my grandchildren."Copy !req
513. Not the worst song Kerry could
have sung to him.Copy !req
514. From the repertoire!Copy !req
515. Phil. I liked Jeff a lot.Copy !req
516. I liked his energy.Copy !req
517. He also has great taste in gags.Copy !req
518. Yeah, well,
you had two big hitters early doors.Copy !req
519. Yeah. And that really
landed with Jeff,Copy !req
520. against all odds, I've got to say.
The soup gag, I mean...Copy !req
521. He was happy with that soup gag.Copy !req
522. ..I would have bet the lives
of all those dear to meCopy !req
523. that that wasn't going to land.Copy !req
524. Let's see some others. OK.Copy !req
525. It's the two Js,
Acaster and Knappett.Copy !req
526. Er... Let's do a role-play.Copy !req
527. Mm-hm? What's your name?
Jeff. Thank you, Jeff.Copy !req
528. Can I buy you a holiday?
Where would you like to go?Copy !req
529. Tenerife. OK.Copy !req
530. Hold on a second.Copy !req
531. Let's go and sit on the grass
and have a laugh. OK.Copy !req
532. Copy me.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
533. You really want me to do that?
Yes, Jeff!Copy !req
534. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
535. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
536. Yes... Come on, Jeff!
Oh, you want to do it again? Yeah,Copy !req
537. you have to keep doing it until you
actually laugh. Do I? Oh, dear.Copy !req
538. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
539. Keep fake laughing until you laugh.Copy !req
540. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
541. I don't think it's going to happen.
Oh, Jeff!Copy !req
542. Just stand there, Jeff,
and close your eyes.Copy !req
543. Take his arm like you're his wife.Copy !req
544. You're in Tenerife.
You hear the water.Copy !req
545. You wanted to hear the water,
didn't you? Yeah.Copy !req
546. What else would you like to do in
Tenerife? Eat, drink and be merry.Copy !req
547. Wrap your lips around this.Copy !req
548. Cider.Copy !req
549. Cider? Tastes like cider. Champagne.Copy !req
550. What else would you do in Tenerife?Copy !req
551. Sometimes go off on a trip up
into the mountains. OK.Copy !req
552. Up into the mountains.Copy !req
553. Going up the mountain now.
You have to climb up this mountain.Copy !req
554. Peaceful? Away from all of
the hubbub of the city life.Copy !req
555. Traffic warden days are
behind you now.Copy !req
556. There's all peaceful...Copy !req
557. I've got your champagne here,
Jeff, if you want it.Copy !req
558. You're sort of making me...
I've depressed you.Copy !req
559. .. feel a bit sad, actually, Jeff,
to be honest.Copy !req
560. Yeah, I can see that.
Might make me smile, though.Copy !req
561. Oh, does it make you happy
to make other people sad?Copy !req
562. There is a certain amount in that.
Oh, got it!Copy !req
563. Shall we do a little bit of
role-play?Copy !req
564. Er, where's my car?Copy !req
565. Er, in the police pound.Copy !req
566. Why? Did you not see the sign?Copy !req
567. No waiting, including disabled.Copy !req
568. Where's...? I need my car!Copy !req
569. I've got to go to the footie.Copy !req
570. Pay £125 and go and get it back.Copy !req
571. You're enjoying this. Yep.Copy !req
572. We got there in the end,
didn't we, Jeff? We did.Copy !req
573. So, now it's bedtime.Copy !req
574. Put your head on
that pillow there, Jeff,Copy !req
575. and your wife can get into bed
as well and lay down to sleep.Copy !req
576. Put the duvet over you both.Copy !req
577. Dream sweet dreams.Copy !req
578. Thank you, James.Copy !req
579. I mean, what I've got to say is,Copy !req
580. it doesn't matter what you think
about what you saw thereCopy !req
581. and the madness that Acaster
brought to that task,Copy !req
582. that smile on little Jeff's face
at the end was genuineCopy !req
583. when he was in bed with his "wife".Copy !req
584. It was a genuine smile.Copy !req
585. But I think you really cracked him.
Yeah, I think I did.Copy !req
586. Because brilliantly,Copy !req
587. you realised that what Jeff likes is
to make other people unhappy.Copy !req
588. Yeah.Copy !req
589. I said to him,
"Jeff, I feel quite sad now.Copy !req
590. "You've brought me down to
your level, haven't you?"Copy !req
591. And he went, "Ha-ha..."Copy !req
592. The more depressed you got,
the happier he got.Copy !req
593. At one point, you talked about
death and Jeff said,Copy !req
594. "Death doesn't affect the dead."Copy !req
595. And he really smiled after that.Copy !req
596. There's one left. Yeah.
Do you want to see Rhod tackle Jeff?Copy !req
597. Yes, I do. OK.Copy !req
598. Cheer up this former traffic warden.Copy !req
599. You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now.Copy !req
600. Cheer up, Jeff.Copy !req
601. OK. How you feeling?Copy !req
602. Better? Fine.
He's all right. I've done it.Copy !req
603. Finished? Yeah, finished.
Stop the clock.Copy !req
604. Happy days. See you, Jeff.
Cheers. Yeah.Copy !req
605. Enjoy the rest of your day.
Thank you.Copy !req
606. Thank you, Rhod. Thanks, mate.Copy !req
607. I said, "Stop the clock."
It's not a timed task, was it?Copy !req
608. I said, "Stop the clock."
I thought it was a timed task.Copy !req
609. And I've just realised,
watching it back, that it wasn't.Copy !req
610. Oh, it wasn't.Copy !req
611. Let me put it this way -
if you were in a caravan with me,Copy !req
612. which would you rather? What? I say,
"Cheer up, Greg," and walk out,Copy !req
613. or I stayed for 20 minutes with you?Copy !req
614. Yeah, yeah, definitely,
I prefer you going...Copy !req
615. You have a very good point.Copy !req
616. Scores? Yep. OK.Copy !req
617. I think Kerry put Jeff in a
worse mood. Give her one point.Copy !req
618. One point, though, Kerry.Copy !req
619. Er... I think that leaving the van
made Jeff happier than he wasCopy !req
620. before Rhod was in the van with him.Copy !req
621. Two points. Phil... What?Copy !req
622. .. couple of absolute
cracking openers,Copy !req
623. but he really hated the thumb thing.Copy !req
624. I think three is more than fair.Copy !req
625. And I can't separate Jess and JamesCopy !req
626. and I think they both
deserve five points.Copy !req
627. Well, they're both doing the same
body language. Two winners.Copy !req
628. Jess and James, the Js.Copy !req
629. Alex, can we have a scoreboard,
please? Yeah, we've got Phil...Copy !req
630. I'm going to use the word
languishing on six points.Copy !req
631. But Jess is 12 points ahead on 18
at the moment, in the lead.Copy !req
632. Whoo!Copy !req
633. It's time for a break. See you soon.Copy !req
634. Hello! And welcome back
to Taskmaster, part four.Copy !req
635. Another task, please, Alex,
quick as you like.Copy !req
636. OK, it's time for a quick
change of perspective.Copy !req
637. It's a long walk, isn't it?
Here he is. Hello.Copy !req
638. Hello, Kerry. Hello, Jess.Copy !req
639. Hello, Rhod. Hello.Copy !req
640. Hello, Phil. Hi, Alex.Copy !req
641. Hello, James.Copy !req
642. You all right?
Do you not say hello, James?Copy !req
643. Would you like to open the task?Copy !req
644. All right. It's tiny!Copy !req
645. Quite small. Have you got good
eyesight? Oh, my God.Copy !req
646. Would you be able to open
the task for us, James?Copy !req
647. Yeah.Copy !req
648. He don't mind doing that.Copy !req
649. That's nice.Copy !req
650. He's got very strict rules today
about what he will and won't do.Copy !req
651. Make yourselves look
as little or big as possible.Copy !req
652. You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now.Copy !req
653. What, with the camera? You can do
what ever you wantCopy !req
654. to make yourselves look
as little or big as possible.Copy !req
655. Now, the first lot
we're going to seeCopy !req
656. have the shortest life expectancy.Copy !req
657. Yes, it's the men.Copy !req
658. Here we go.Copy !req
659. Hello, James.Copy !req
660. Hello, Alex.Copy !req
661. How do you do, Rhod?Copy !req
662. Hello, Alex!Copy !req
663. Phil?Copy !req
664. Phil?Copy !req
665. Hello, Alex.Copy !req
666. ARGH!Copy !req
667. Fe, fi, fo, Phil!Copy !req
668. I mean, credit where credit's due,
I thought that was awesome.Copy !req
669. Guess how we did it.Copy !req
670. How the hell was it done?Copy !req
671. Me and Rhod...Copy !req
672. .. weren't as close to the
camera as it appeared.Copy !req
673. Do you want to see a team with an
impressively even number of ribs?Copy !req
674. Jess and Kerry, here we go.Copy !req
675. Hey, Jess. Catch.Copy !req
676. I like your bangle.Copy !req
677. It's yours.Copy !req
678. Thanks.Copy !req
679. I've got you a massive duck.Copy !req
680. Kerry, it's tiny.Copy !req
681. SQUEAK!Copy !req
682. Got you a little something.Copy !req
683. What is it?Copy !req
684. A little portrait of Greg.Copy !req
685. Oh. No, no, it's too big.Copy !req
686. Jess! It's massive! Jess!Copy !req
687. ARGH!Copy !req
688. Ooh... You all right?Copy !req
689. Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.Copy !req
690. I love it. I love it.Copy !req
691. Seemed funnier on the day.Copy !req
692. I enjoyed the technical
prowess very much.Copy !req
693. It's a very close-run thing for me.
Is it?Copy !req
694. Very, because I thoroughly
enjoyed both films.Copy !req
695. Right. Did you? Did you?Copy !req
696. You know, in the context
of my contractual obligation, yes.Copy !req
697. I'm going to award it on the basis
that the boys did lookCopy !req
698. physically smaller and,
in Phil's case,Copy !req
699. physically bigger than the girls.
OK, so, how many points to the men?Copy !req
700. Well, three points to the men
and two points to the women.Copy !req
701. OK, there we go. Three for the men,
two for the women.Copy !req
702. Right, will all five of you
please vacate the areaCopy !req
703. and head to the stage
for the final task of the show?Copy !req
704. Visually stunning already. Who will
be reading the task out, Alex?Copy !req
705. The person who is wearing the outfit
the best, Jessica Knappett.Copy !req
706. Ah!Copy !req
707. Taking it in turn,Copy !req
708. each team must dangle one of these
items on the hanger.Copy !req
709. A different member of the team
must dangle each time.Copy !req
710. Once you've touched one of
the items, you must dangle itCopy !req
711. and you must dangle within 20
seconds of the previous dangler.Copy !req
712. The team who doesn't cause the items
on the hanger to fall wins.Copy !req
713. So, this is the first-ever team
studio task. Got it.Copy !req
714. So it's women versus men.
Are there questions?Copy !req
715. Yes. Hello, Kerry.
I don't understand it.Copy !req
716. I do. It just says dangle a lot.Copy !req
717. I'll run you through it, Kerry.
Thank you.Copy !req
718. So, you might come along and pick up
the massive duck and dangle itCopy !req
719. by the hook on the beam. Yeah.Copy !req
720. Then one of the men will come along
and pick up another item,Copy !req
721. dangle it on the beam. OK?
OK, so we're just dangling shit?Copy !req
722. The first team member that causes
the hanger to fallCopy !req
723. are the losers, right? Exactly that.Copy !req
724. Oh! It's Coat Hanger Buckaroo!
It's Coat Hanger Buckaroo!Copy !req
725. Why didn't you just say it was
Coat Hanger Buckaroo?Copy !req
726. And, Alex, once you've picked
an item up,Copy !req
727. there's no putting
it down again? Yes.Copy !req
728. Do you understand that? Yes!Copy !req
729. I'll be watching you like
a fucking hawk.Copy !req
730. Right, let's do it.Copy !req
731. Quite a fat hawk, to be fair.Copy !req
732. Ooh!Copy !req
733. He's right, I've let myself go.Copy !req
734. Earlier, Greg gave me this card.Copy !req
735. I don't know if you want
to read that? That's...Copy !req
736. "I, Gregory Davies,
being of sound mind,Copy !req
737. "hereby predict that
during the coat hanger task,Copy !req
738. "Rhod Gilbert will make a joke
about how fat I am."Copy !req
739. So, the women are first up.Copy !req
740. You've got 20 seconds.Copy !req
741. Starting...Copy !req
742. So, one of you step forward.
Jess, you go first.Copy !req
743. So you must hang that. You've
touched that, you must hang that.Copy !req
744. Is it a heavy one? It's clearly
heavy. Yes, it is.Copy !req
745. It's absolutely fine.
I know what I'm doing.Copy !req
746. And that's 20 seconds.
You must let go. Let go, please.Copy !req
747. OK, men, step forward, one of you.
One of you.Copy !req
748. OK, Phil's gone. Phil's gone.Copy !req
749. Phil, the time! Come on.
Go on, Phil.Copy !req
750. Oh, heavy one. Ooh! Is going to be
counterintuitive, isn't it?Copy !req
751. It's OK.Copy !req
752. You've got five seconds. Ooh...Copy !req
753. Oh!Copy !req
754. It's all over.Copy !req
755. Game over?Copy !req
756. Game over.Copy !req
757. I thought they'd made the heavy
things look light!Copy !req
758. I thought they'd made
the heavy things look light!Copy !req
759. We win. That was an anti-climax,
wasn't it?Copy !req
760. Please come down and we'll see how
that's affected the final scores.Copy !req
761. Biggest anti-climax in
Taskmaster history?Copy !req
762. Well, I mean, I think someone
ruined it for everyone,Copy !req
763. but I don't think it's
anyone's fault.Copy !req
764. Come on,
let's have some stats and stuff.Copy !req
765. Well, it does mean the women
are stretching their lead.Copy !req
766. 93 points each to Kerry and Jess.Copy !req
767. Joint first in the series,
so well done them.Copy !req
768. Oh! Yes! Joint first place?Copy !req
769. The nearest man is Rhod with 85,
then James with 82,Copy !req
770. then Phil with 68.Copy !req
771. But in this episode, in first place,Copy !req
772. is Jessica Knappett
who's on 25 compared to James's 20.Copy !req
773. Jessica Knappett wins.Copy !req
774. Well done to Jessica Knappett.Copy !req
775. Please go and gather your
terrible presents.Copy !req
776. Yeah!Copy !req
777. So, what have we learned today?Copy !req
778. We've learned apparently if you
want to cheer up a traffic warden,Copy !req
779. don't target his arthritic knees.Copy !req
780. But now, let's hear it again
for tonight's winner,Copy !req
781. a better person than any of us,
it's Jessica Knappett.Copy !req
782. See you next time for our 50th show.Copy !req
783. Oh!Copy !req