1. Ah!Copy !req
2. Whoo!Copy !req
3. AIR HORNCopy !req
4. No!Copy !req
5. Agh...Copy !req
6. Ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
7. Thank you and welcome to Taskmaster
with your host,Copy !req
8. trophy model and humble
tyrant Greg Davies. Hi.Copy !req
9. Right, let's get episode five
under wayCopy !req
10. and meet our five
galloping Goliaths.Copy !req
11. They are James Acaster...Copy !req
12. .. Jessica Knappett...Copy !req
13. .. Kerry Godliman...Copy !req
14. .. Phil Wang...Copy !req
15. .. and Rhod Gilbert.Copy !req
16. And next to me, he's a desperate,
nervous twitch of a man,Copy !req
17. but he's all mine.Copy !req
18. Oh, who is it?Copy !req
19. Little Alex Horne!Copy !req
20. It's little Alex Horne!Copy !req
21. I thought today
we could have a game of...Copy !req
22. Can we have a game of truth or dare?Copy !req
23. Er, yes. Certainly. OK.Copy !req
24. Truth... Truth or dare? No.Copy !req
25. No, I... Yeah.Copy !req
26. Truth. Truth? OK.Copy !req
27. I want you to eat
this dog biscuit...Copy !req
28. .. or you can take the dare.Copy !req
29. Dare. Dare. Dare? Dare.Copy !req
30. Eat this dog biscuit.
Eat the dog biscuit.Copy !req
31. All of it.Copy !req
32. Aw! No.Copy !req
33. What a glossy beard you're going
to have afterwards, though.Copy !req
34. Enough tomfoolery.
We've an episode to begin.Copy !req
35. Yes, it's prize task time
and for episode five,Copy !req
36. we've asked them to drag in the
worst present from a named relative.Copy !req
37. Ooh!Copy !req
38. Yep. Fascinating response.Copy !req
39. At the end of the proceedings,
the person with the most pointsCopy !req
40. will take home the worst presents,Copy !req
41. sort of like a bad birthday,
but good. OK?Copy !req
42. Yes, I see. OK, bad presents.
Bad presents.Copy !req
43. Rhod, what have you brought in?Copy !req
44. I have brought in a present
that my named relative, wife Sian,Copy !req
45. gave to me and I think you, for one,
Mr Davies, will appreciate it.Copy !req
46. I... I will appreciate that because
I bought that for Rhod's wife.Copy !req
47. Yes, you did.Copy !req
48. I only gave her it two weeks ago,
the cheeky...Copy !req
49. Has she genuinely given it
to you? Yes!Copy !req
50. What did you expect her to
do with it? Treasure it?Copy !req
51. So, it's on its third recipient,
potentially, tonight,Copy !req
52. in as many weeks. Yeah.Copy !req
53. That's coming back to me
at some point, isn't it?Copy !req
54. Right, good. Jessica.Copy !req
55. Well, I've chosen this sartorial
nightmare from my mother.Copy !req
56. I was 14 when I received this.Copy !req
57. What happens when you wear
long opera gloves and a feather boaCopy !req
58. to the senior school disco?Copy !req
59. You do not get fingered.Copy !req
60. What happens is you watch
your mate, Nell...Copy !req
61. Get fingered?
.. getting off with the guyCopy !req
62. that you wanted to get off with
in the school car park.Copy !req
63. Yeah, but where's Nell now?Copy !req
64. Nell's happy.Copy !req
65. Is she? Yeah.Copy !req
66. It's a pretty, pretty awful giftCopy !req
67. and I'm sorry that it brought you
down on your special night.Copy !req
68. James.Copy !req
69. My wife, Nell...Copy !req
70. Erm... No, no.Copy !req
71. This present was given
to me by my...Copy !req
72. ..at the time, five-year-old nephew.Copy !req
73. He made me a calendar for the year
and for each month,Copy !req
74. he made up a joke because he knows
that I'm a comedianCopy !req
75. and he drew a picture
to go along with it.Copy !req
76. That sounds lovely!Copy !req
77. I mean, honestly,
it sounds absolutely charming.Copy !req
78. Er... Do you like people trying
to give you material, mate?Copy !req
79. Here's what it looks like.
There's April.Aw!Copy !req
80. What did one broccoli
say to the other?Copy !req
81. "You stink because you've got
poo on your face."Copy !req
82. That's a good joke.
That is a good joke.Copy !req
83. I think that's a great gag.Copy !req
84. I don't know how everyone else
feels. I think so far,Copy !req
85. I think it's utterly charming
and I think you're very cruel.Copy !req
86. Do you want to say anything
to him down the camera?Copy !req
87. I really like him, to be honest.Copy !req
88. Kerry, what have you brought in?Copy !req
89. Mine are dream catcher,
yin-yang dangly earrings.Copy !req
90. Here they are.Copy !req
91. Lovely!Copy !req
92. Who bought you these?Copy !req
93. Right, my mum gave them to me
and her mate made them.Copy !req
94. I mean, to combine the yin-yang
sign and a dream catcher...Copy !req
95. Yeah. ..is sensational.Copy !req
96. Because if you're a new age
kind of hippie lady,Copy !req
97. that's double whammy, innit?Copy !req
98. Yin-yang and a dream catcher?
Oh, God, it's all sorted.Copy !req
99. Because you want balance
for your yin and yang,Copy !req
100. but you want your dreams to
get caught. Of course you do!Copy !req
101. I mean, they're disgusting.Copy !req
102. Phil. Erm, I don't get many gifts
from loved ones.Copy !req
103. Apropos of nothing.
Aw! Yeah. Well, I'm practical.Copy !req
104. I'll ask for, like, favours
so I'll get a watch...Copy !req
105. I'll ask someone to get
a watch re-strappedCopy !req
106. or, like, pay my council tax for a
year or something. Something useful.Copy !req
107. So I got my sister,
who is named Emmy,Copy !req
108. to just give me some used
toilet roll.Copy !req
109. There it is. So, I think...Copy !req
110. I don't think anyone's going
to have a worse gift than literalCopy !req
111. shit on the toilet paper.Copy !req
112. But you asked her to.
I asked her to.Copy !req
113. I'm here to win, I'm not here
to make friends.Copy !req
114. It's a great gift, though, because
if you get what you asked for,Copy !req
115. that's the perfect gift, isn't it?Copy !req
116. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!Copy !req
117. No, he's got
a very good point, Phil.Copy !req
118. Right. I've made some decisions.
OK. Last place?Copy !req
119. Because it's not a sincere gift,Copy !req
120. one point for Phil Wang. Argh!Copy !req
121. Two points, and he's lucky
to get these... Right?Copy !req
122. .. because I thought that calendar
was absolutely charming.Copy !req
123. So did I. Ha-ha!Copy !req
124. I love that calendar. Suck it!Copy !req
125. I'm going to make a note of that.Copy !req
126. We'll drill down into what "it" is
later, off-camera.Copy !req
127. Right, I'm going to give Kerry
three points. Three? Fair enough.Copy !req
128. Rhod, four points. In second place?Copy !req
129. And just because I think there's
a great tragedy...Copy !req
130. ..in the idea of Jessica Knappett in
long gloves being ignored by boys,Copy !req
131. five points to Jessica Knappett.Copy !req
132. Slow revenge!Copy !req
133. Let's move on. Alex. OK.Copy !req
134. First task and I'll make sure
this one delivers.Copy !req
135. SLURPS TEACopy !req
136. Where is he?Copy !req
137. Where's Alex?Copy !req
138. Deliver this task to Alex
in the most spectacular way.Copy !req
139. Alex is in his caravan.Copy !req
140. You have one hour.Copy !req
141. Your time starts now.Copy !req
142. Inside a cake.Copy !req
143. No. It's not very good,
it's not very spectacular.Copy !req
144. Oh, if we could put it in a cake.Copy !req
145. What are they called? Those...Copy !req
146. Bertie Bassett,
what are they called?Copy !req
147. The singing, dancing...Copy !req
148. Busby Berkeley, not Bertie Bassett.Copy !req
149. I think that will be spectacular.Copy !req
150. OK.Copy !req
151. Well, I'll tell you this,Copy !req
152. double points if Kerry ends up being
dressed as Bertie Bassett.Copy !req
153. Well, we can start with...Copy !req
154. Do you want to start with Kerry?
Yes, please.Copy !req
155. This is Kerry God-delivery-man.
Here we go.Copy !req
156. Alex! Yes? Come out!Copy !req
157. One, two, three, four...Copy !req
158. Pow! Drum roll!Copy !req
159. Come on. Just spin around with me.Copy !req
160. All right. Look up there, Alex.Copy !req
161. Look up there. And...Copy !req
162. Oh!Copy !req
163. How long do they do this for?
Well...Copy !req
164. Best leave them to it
for a bit. Yeah.Copy !req
165. All right, well, thank you.Copy !req
166. ♪ Doo, doo-doo!Copy !req
167. I thought it would be better done.Copy !req
168. I've got to say, so far,
across the series,Copy !req
169. Kerry has absolutely
demolished the competition.Copy !req
170. She's absolutely smashed it.Copy !req
171. But, hand on heart -
I like to tell the truth - that...Copy !req
172. .. that was shit...Copy !req
173. .. on so many levels.
Really? Really?Copy !req
174. On so many levels. What levels?Copy !req
175. Well, I mean, I'll just pluck them
at random,Copy !req
176. but the soundtrack.Copy !req
177. Oh... It was catchy, though.Copy !req
178. It will stay with you.Copy !req
179. Mm... Yeah.
♪ Doo, doo-doo!Copy !req
180. All right, fuck you.Copy !req
181. Well, I'll tell you now, that is
NOT going to take some beating.Copy !req
182. That's the end of this part
of the show. Bye for now.Copy !req
183. Hello.Copy !req
184. And we're back. I'm psyched.Copy !req
185. Are you psyched, Alex?Copy !req
186. If you mean miked,
then, yes, I'm mikedCopy !req
187. for sound. Hello, can you hear me?Copy !req
188. Before the break...Copy !req
189. I find Alex's jokes incredibly
irritating. Incredibly irritating.Copy !req
190. Before the break - thank you -
I was sat in my caravanCopy !req
191. awaiting the most
spectacular deliveryCopy !req
192. of the very task the
contestants had opened.Copy !req
193. Phil Wang is next...Copy !req
194. ..to the man we're going to see now.Copy !req
195. It's Rhod Gilbert.Copy !req
196. Hello. Alex. Yes?Copy !req
197. I want you to listen very carefully.Copy !req
198. Inside this bin...Copy !req
199. .. are some gloves...
Do you want me to put them on?Copy !req
200. .. protective goggles,
a crash helmet,Copy !req
201. some loo roll if you need it,Copy !req
202. if it goes wrong.Copy !req
203. This can act as a shield.Copy !req
204. You'll need to get in that bin,Copy !req
205. get down that end as far as you can
down that end of the caravan.Copy !req
206. You get down...
Right. Get down.Copy !req
207. .. and you get ready
to receive the task.Copy !req
208. Thank you, Rhod.Copy !req
209. I'm in the bin.Copy !req
210. The shield's up.Copy !req
211. I think I'm ready.Copy !req
212. Bloody hell.Copy !req
213. Thank you, Rhod.
You made a hole in my caravan.Copy !req
214. Yeah. Sorry!Copy !req
215. It's kind of gone straight
through the other side.Copy !req
216. Thanks, Rhod.Copy !req
217. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
218. A misthrow would have gone...Copy !req
219. Yeah. .. through the wrong part of
the caravan and killed Alex.Copy !req
220. At the time, I was shitting myself.Copy !req
221. So, I didn't know it was coming
and afterwards... You didn't know.Copy !req
222. ..I was very surprisedCopy !req
223. that the production crew
allowed him to do it.Copy !req
224. Didn't feel like the goggles would
make that much difference.Copy !req
225. Well, it says something that
to see that sort of rageCopy !req
226. come from a friend, to see Alex's
life genuinely endangered,Copy !req
227. my heart was genuinely
pounding and yet,Copy !req
228. I'm still thinking
about how shit Kerry's was.Copy !req
229. Who are going to see now, Alex?Copy !req
230. Next up, it's a caster.Copy !req
231. It's a...Copy !req
232. James A...Copy !req
233. It's James Acaster.Copy !req
234. Cue music.Copy !req
235. FESTIVE TUNECopy !req
236. Hello? Come out.Copy !req
237. Cue fireworks.Copy !req
238. Cue postman.Copy !req
239. Richard Osman.Copy !req
240. Finished? Yeah.Copy !req
241. Fireworks, Santa.Copy !req
242. Why is he doing that?Copy !req
243. Christmas.Copy !req
244. We'd better get this out of the way.
I'm livid. You seem angry.Copy !req
245. I am livid! Yeah, why?Copy !req
246. Because I asked for fireworks and
I didn't get them and, secondly,Copy !req
247. that's one of the blokes I had
dancing for me.Copy !req
248. He's dancing better for him.Copy !req
249. Why wasn't Kerry allowed fireworks?
Couple of things, couple of things.Copy !req
250. She made the decision to want
fireworks near the end of the hourCopy !req
251. when there was no time. He was
immediately, "I want fireworks."Copy !req
252. Also, his was done
on November the 2nd.Copy !req
253. All sounds very reasonable.Copy !req
254. Well, it had the lot, didn't it?
Fireworks... Fireworks.Copy !req
255. Very easy to get. Beardless Santa.Copy !req
256. Beardless Santa danced wonderfully
because he said some peopleCopy !req
257. don't ask him very nicely to dance.Copy !req
258. LAUGHTER, SOME BOOINGCopy !req
259. It's easier to get Richard OsmanCopy !req
260. than it is to get someone
with a beard, I found out.Copy !req
261. Good work. Who's next?
Well, two left. Jess and Phil.Copy !req
262. Who shall we see first? Definitely
not Phil, so let's see Jess.Copy !req
263. Alex!Copy !req
264. Come out now!Copy !req
265. Lovely.Copy !req
266. Oh, who's that?Copy !req
267. It's a very little Alex Horne.Copy !req
268. They liked it.Copy !req
269. It didn't look quite as spectacular
on-screen as it did in my mind.Copy !req
270. It will be the first spectacular
event of all timeCopy !req
271. to elicit silence from an audience.Copy !req
272. You could have sung a song.Copy !req
273. Like...
♪ Doo, do-do!Copy !req
274. I don't think that would have made
it better, as we found in yours.Copy !req
275. Spectacular means "beautiful in
a dramatic and eye-catching way."Copy !req
276. I asked for a fucking
hot-air balloonCopy !req
277. and they wouldn't give it to me!Copy !req
278. Oh! Oh... I got given one of them,
but I didn't use it.Copy !req
279. Well, let's have a look at another.
There's one left.Copy !req
280. The last man is Phil Wang.
Yes, please. Here comes Phil.Copy !req
281. Hello, Alex.Copy !req
282. I'm American celebrity Taylor Swift.Copy !req
283. Thank you, Taylor.Copy !req
284. Hwa!Copy !req
285. Oh. It...Copy !req
286. It says "Eff you, James Acsater."Copy !req
287. What's this?Copy !req
288. When we started filming this,
I thought that James and ICopy !req
289. would have, like, a rivalry,Copy !req
290. and then I forgot about that.Copy !req
291. Taylor Swift, a big icon for you?
Well, just a big celebrity.Copy !req
292. A big, famous celebrity. Yeah.Copy !req
293. Well, it he managed to get the
actual Osman.Copy !req
294. I got... That was actually...
What, you don't think that was...?Copy !req
295. Oh, OK. Maybe that was the actual
Taylor Swift.Copy !req
296. Thank you. Gut instinct tells me
it was a not-senior memberCopy !req
297. of production crew who comes
from the North of England.Copy !req
298. You want to judge them, Greg?
Yeah. Yes, I do.Copy !req
299. One point - Kerry. Awful.Copy !req
300. Two points - Phil. Insane.Copy !req
301. Three...Copy !req
302. Three points - Jess.Copy !req
303. Beautiful and calm.Copy !req
304. Four points - Rhod.Copy !req
305. Incredible, worryingly angry.
So that's second place. What?Copy !req
306. Yeah. Which means first
place goes to...?Copy !req
307. Well, so much going on.
It's Acaster.Copy !req
308. OK.Copy !req
309. Five points to James Acaster.Copy !req
310. Alex, would you be so kind as
to show us the scoreboard?Copy !req
311. Well, it's exciting.Copy !req
312. Phil is way back on three points,
but we have joint leaders.Copy !req
313. Jess and Rhod both have
eight points. Yes, please.Copy !req
314. Very good.
Right, chuck another one up.Copy !req
315. OK. Here's something ever so
slightly different.Copy !req
316. RADIO CHATTERCopy !req
317. Oh!Copy !req
318. Hello, Jess. Hiya.Copy !req
319. Hi, Alex. Hello, Phil.Copy !req
320. Hi, Rhod. Hi.Copy !req
321. Hi, James.Copy !req
322. Make as many white circles on the
target as possible.Copy !req
323. You must not step beyond...Copy !req
324. .. this rope.Copy !req
325. You must not move this rope or the
target. You have five minutes.Copy !req
326. You have five minutes.Copy !req
327. Five minutes.
Five minutes.Copy !req
328. You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now.Copy !req
329. What? I'm feeling like I was
made to make white circlesCopy !req
330. for a very long amount of time.
Yeah.Copy !req
331. Well, everyone else was asked
to do it for five minutesCopy !req
332. and Phil, clearly, for 20. Why so?Copy !req
333. So, it's those four against Phil.Copy !req
334. They're a team. Phil is by himself.Copy !req
335. In theory, you've got
an advantage here, Phil,Copy !req
336. because you can make your plan and
you've got longer to make it happen.Copy !req
337. This feels like a typo that
you're just trying to style out.Copy !req
338. Oh, there we are!Copy !req
339. I can't believe part two is
finished already.Copy !req
340. Two parts left, though,Copy !req
341. so whoo!Copy !req
342. Welcome! Welcome, welcome.Copy !req
343. You're all welcome,
even the tossers.Copy !req
344. This is...Copy !req
345. This is Taskmaster, so there must
have been a task under way.Copy !req
346. Right every time.Copy !req
347. The current task involves trying
to make circles from a distanceCopy !req
348. on a target. The twist is,
four of the competitors -Copy !req
349. namely James, Jess, Kerry and Rhod -Copy !req
350. all had five minutes each
to complete the task.Copy !req
351. Wang had 20.Copy !req
352. OK, first up, it's the four.Copy !req
353. It's Jessie Caster and
Gilbert O'Godliman.Copy !req
354. Ready? Go!Copy !req
355. In five minutes,
I've got to find somethingCopy !req
356. I can make white circles with?
Yes, please.Copy !req
357. I mean, these are white things,
but they don't stick, do they?Copy !req
358. I don't know.Copy !req
359. No, definitely not. No. Er...Copy !req
360. It should reach.Copy !req
361. I just need to tape it.Copy !req
362. I'm not going to get this done
in time! This is ridiculous.Copy !req
363. I can't do this!Copy !req
364. That's not going to make it.Copy !req
365. Shit!Copy !req
366. What's the plan with this?Copy !req
367. Oh, you'll see.Copy !req
368. I could make white paint out of...Copy !req
369. .. yoghurt.Copy !req
370. This is really...Copy !req
371. I need more time, Alex!Copy !req
372. You've got one minute 20.Copy !req
373. They're all little circles,
though, aren't they? Oh, yeah.Copy !req
374. Now I've just got to make
the circles.Copy !req
375. Oh! Didn't think of this, did you?Copy !req
376. No.Copy !req
377. Erm...
Is there a time limit on this?Copy !req
378. All the information's
on the task, Jess. Oh...Copy !req
379. Oh, God, I've got five minutes!Copy !req
380. Well, you've got 34 seconds.Copy !req
381. Oh!Copy !req
382. Oh, no! Oh, no!Copy !req
383. Oh, no!Copy !req
384. Oh, no! What am I going to do?Copy !req
385. That's a circle.Copy !req
386. Not a perfect circle.Copy !req
387. Oh!Copy !req
388. Yes!Copy !req
389. WHISTLE
No!Copy !req
390. Thanks, Jess. Yeah!Copy !req
391. BLOWS RASPBERRYCopy !req
392. I mean, Jesus Christ, where do...?Copy !req
393. You don't know what it's like!
You panic.Copy !req
394. Is it too late to change the teams?Copy !req
395. I thought you just had another
breakdownCopy !req
396. when you threw a whole pot,
a family pot of yoghurt at it.Copy !req
397. No, I was trying to create a white
canvas and then put circles onto it.Copy !req
398. And that was genuinely clever, I
thought, when you started making...Copy !req
399. Yeah, but I thought I did
better than that.Copy !req
400. Well, you threw buckets at it.
That was the problem.Copy !req
401. We're going to be quite generousCopy !req
402. with our definition of
a circle here, aren't we?Copy !req
403. Yeah, they don't have to be
a perfect circle.Copy !req
404. I'll show you them, shall we? Yeah.
This is the four of their attempts.Copy !req
405. I think you can work out
which one is Jess's.Copy !req
406. This is how I totted it up.Copy !req
407. A total of 42.Copy !req
408. Can... Can a one-man unit take them
down? That's the question.Copy !req
409. How did the Wang work out?Copy !req
410. What have you got, Phil?Copy !req
411. I have two cans of whipped cream
and two bottlesCopy !req
412. of what I presume to be mayonnaise.Copy !req
413. Oh, shit, that wasn't too bad.
One circle. Fuck, look at that.Copy !req
414. Yeah, it's a really good circle.Copy !req
415. I don't know, maybe, like,
a flick of the wrist.Copy !req
416. Oh, shit, that was OK.Copy !req
417. But the circle was too big.Copy !req
418. OK...Copy !req
419. Almost slipped on the rope.Copy !req
420. That's one bottle done.
I think it's going pretty well.Copy !req
421. I can't imagine anything else
doing better than this. OK.Copy !req
422. Ooh! There's one on the floor.Copy !req
423. Yeah, not on the target.Copy !req
424. Look at that!Copy !req
425. Oh, look at all them circles!Copy !req
426. I'm going to call it a day,Copy !req
427. because I think I'm in danger now
of connecting up the circles.Copy !req
428. Well, you've got seven
and a half minutes left.Copy !req
429. You going to see if you
can get any more? No.Copy !req
430. OK, thank you, Phil. All right.Copy !req
431. Oh, there's a whole universe of
circles here.Copy !req
432. 29... 33...Copy !req
433. 36...Copy !req
434. 37, 38.Copy !req
435. I'm going to say 38.Copy !req
436. 38. There were more!Copy !req
437. You took more time counting
than you did making.Copy !req
438. But that's not the official count.
It's not my...Copy !req
439. I presumed that y'all would count
them out, like...Copy !req
440. Y'all?Copy !req
441. What's happened there?
I'm sorry, you all.Copy !req
442. Yeah, I know what y'all is.
Oh, right.Copy !req
443. W'all did count them up again...Copy !req
444. W'all got 38 as well.Copy !req
445. Oh! 38? Boy...Copy !req
446. Well, I've got to say, it seems
very mean-spirited for that lotCopy !req
447. all to get five points,
especially Jess...Copy !req
448. I...Copy !req
449. .. and for Phil to get nothing.Copy !req
450. It does. And yet...Copy !req
451. .. them's the breaks.Copy !req
452. That's the way the cookie crumbles,
y'all.Copy !req
453. Aw! Oh, mate!Copy !req
454. What's next, then? A task, now.Copy !req
455. A task involving another human.Copy !req
456. Hello, Kerry. Hello.Copy !req
457. Nice day. It's awful.Copy !req
458. It's just an awful day.Copy !req
459. Hello, James. I'm Jeff.
Hello, Jeff. Hi.Copy !req
460. Hello, Phil. I'm Jeff. Hi, Jeff.
Phil. Good to meet you. How are you?Copy !req
461. I'm Jess. Yep. You're Jeff. Exactly.Copy !req
462. Sometimes, people call me Jeff
as a joke. No offence.Copy !req
463. Not... It's funny cos I'm a girl.Copy !req
464. Yes, I noticed.Copy !req
465. Cheer up this former traffic warden.Copy !req
466. You have 20 minutes.Copy !req
467. Your time starts now.Copy !req
468. Why do you need cheering up?Copy !req
469. I have...Copy !req
470. ..a view on the world at the moment,
generally,Copy !req
471. which is not particularly good.Copy !req
472. OK!Copy !req
473. OK.Copy !req
474. Not an easy task.Copy !req
475. Was it tough?Copy !req
476. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
477. First to try and gee-up Jeff
are two fantastic people.Copy !req
478. It's Kerry and Phil. Oh, lovely.Copy !req
479. What's your favourite part of the
UK that you've travelled to?Copy !req
480. Well, I lived in Scotland.
Campbeltown in Argyll, and then...Copy !req
481. Lotta soup.
Lotta soup in Campbeltown.Copy !req
482. A lot of soup in Campbeltown.Copy !req
483. Got it! Time!Copy !req
484. Good one, good one.Copy !req
485. Was that a joke, Phil? Yeah,
yeah, yeah. It was a soup joke.Copy !req
486. Well done.Copy !req
487. Yes, I did that with the
grandchildren.Copy !req
488. Shall we dance?Copy !req
489. I've got dodgy knees.
Dodgy knees. OK.Copy !req
490. One of my favourite bosses
from years gone by...Copy !req
491. Buses? Bosses. OK.Copy !req
492. .. said I'm a Philistine.Copy !req
493. You're a Philistine? Yep.Copy !req
494. I'm Philip Wang.Copy !req
495. Another joke there, Phil.
Another joke. OK.Copy !req
496. Philistine, Philip Wang, is it?
Yeah.Copy !req
497. Are you ticklish, Jeff?Copy !req
498. Mm... You wouldn't be comfortable
with me? I can not be ticklish.Copy !req
499. SHE GIGGLESCopy !req
500. What about the knees?Copy !req
501. That bit's sore.Copy !req
502. Oh, sorry! Your other knee.Copy !req
503. Yeah, it's sore as well.Copy !req
504. OK.
WHISTLECopy !req
505. We've had some good times. OK.Copy !req
506. Look at what I can do with this,
look at this.Copy !req
507. WHISTLE
Thank you very much.Copy !req
508. Take care. Bye-bye.
Goodbye, Phil. Sorry about that.Copy !req
509. It was awful.Copy !req
510. I... I would argue that you - that
you, Kerry - actively annoyed him.Copy !req
511. I don't know what you mean.
"Are you ticklish, Jeff?"Copy !req
512. "No, I've got bad knees."Copy !req
513. "Ha-ha!"Copy !req
514. "Argh! Argh!"Copy !req
515. No, I tickled him, we talked about
his grandchildren, I sang to him.Copy !req
516. No, no, no, no, no. You...Copy !req
517. You sang to him
and he witheringly said,Copy !req
518. "Yes, it's the sort of song I might
sing to my grandchildren."Copy !req
519. Not the worst song Kerry could
have sung to him.Copy !req
520. From the repertoire!Copy !req
521. Phil. I liked Jeff a lot.Copy !req
522. I liked his energy.Copy !req
523. He also has great taste in gags.Copy !req
524. Yeah, well,
you had two big hitters early doors.Copy !req
525. Yeah. And that really
landed with Jeff,Copy !req
526. against all odds, I've got to say.
The soup gag, I mean...Copy !req
527. He was happy with that soup gag.Copy !req
528. ..I would have bet the lives
of all those dear to meCopy !req
529. that that wasn't going to land.Copy !req
530. Let's see some others. OK.Copy !req
531. It's the two Js,
Acaster and Knappett.Copy !req
532. Er... Let's do a role-play.Copy !req
533. Mm-hm? What's your name?
Jeff. Thank you, Jeff.Copy !req
534. Can I buy you a holiday?
Where would you like to go?Copy !req
535. Tenerife. OK.Copy !req
536. Hold on a second.Copy !req
537. Let's go and sit on the grass
and have a laugh. OK.Copy !req
538. Copy me.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
539. You really want me to do that?
Yes, Jeff!Copy !req
540. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
541. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
542. Yes... Come on, Jeff!
Oh, you want to do it again? Yeah,Copy !req
543. you have to keep doing it until you
actually laugh. Do I? Oh, dear.Copy !req
544. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
545. Keep fake laughing until you laugh.Copy !req
546. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
547. I don't think it's going to happen.
Oh, Jeff!Copy !req
548. Just stand there, Jeff,
and close your eyes.Copy !req
549. Take his arm like you're his wife.Copy !req
550. You're in Tenerife.
You hear the water.Copy !req
551. You wanted to hear the water,
didn't you? Yeah.Copy !req
552. FAINT SPLASHINGCopy !req
553. What else would you like to do in
Tenerife? Eat, drink and be merry.Copy !req
554. CORK POPS
Wrap your lips around this.Copy !req
555. Cider.Copy !req
556. Cider? Tastes like cider. Champagne.Copy !req
557. What else would you do in Tenerife?Copy !req
558. Sometimes go off on a trip up
into the mountains. OK.Copy !req
559. Up into the mountains.Copy !req
560. Going up the mountain now.
You have to climb up this mountain.Copy !req
561. Peaceful? Away from all of
the hubbub of the city life.Copy !req
562. Traffic warden days are
behind you now.Copy !req
563. There's all peaceful...Copy !req
564. I've got your champagne here,
Jeff, if you want it.Copy !req
565. You're sort of making me...
I've depressed you.Copy !req
566. .. feel a bit sad, actually, Jeff,
to be honest.Copy !req
567. Yeah, I can see that.
Might make me smile, though.Copy !req
568. Oh, does it make you happy
to make other people sad?Copy !req
569. There is a certain amount in that.
Oh, got it!Copy !req
570. Shall we do a little bit of
role-play?Copy !req
571. Er, where's my car?Copy !req
572. Er, in the police pound.Copy !req
573. Why? Did you not see the sign?Copy !req
574. No waiting, including disabled.Copy !req
575. Where's...? I need my car!Copy !req
576. I've got to go to the footie.Copy !req
577. Pay £125 and go and get it back.Copy !req
578. You're enjoying this. Yep.Copy !req
579. WHISTLECopy !req
580. We got there in the end,
didn't we, Jeff? We did.Copy !req
581. So, now it's bedtime.Copy !req
582. Put your head on
that pillow there, Jeff,Copy !req
583. and your wife can get into bed
as well and lay down to sleep.Copy !req
584. Put the duvet over you both.Copy !req
585. Dream sweet dreams.Copy !req
586. WHISTLECopy !req
587. Thank you, James.Copy !req
588. I mean, what I've got to say is,Copy !req
589. it doesn't matter what you think
about what you saw thereCopy !req
590. and the madness that Acaster
brought to that task,Copy !req
591. that smile on little Jeff's face
at the end was genuineCopy !req
592. when he was in bed with his "wife".Copy !req
593. It was a genuine smile.Copy !req
594. But I think you really cracked him.
Yeah, I think I did.Copy !req
595. Because brilliantly,Copy !req
596. you realised that what Jeff likes is
to make other people unhappy.Copy !req
597. Yeah.Copy !req
598. I said to him,
"Jeff, I feel quite sad now.Copy !req
599. "You've brought me down to
your level, haven't you?"Copy !req
600. And he went, "Ha-ha..."Copy !req
601. The more depressed you got,
the happier he got.Copy !req
602. At one point, you talked about
death and Jeff said,Copy !req
603. "Death doesn't affect the dead."Copy !req
604. And he really smiled after that.Copy !req
605. There's one left. Yeah.
Do you want to see Rhod tackle Jeff?Copy !req
606. Yes, I do. OK.Copy !req
607. Cheer up this former traffic warden.Copy !req
608. You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now.Copy !req
609. Cheer up, Jeff.Copy !req
610. OK. How you feeling?Copy !req
611. Better? Fine.
He's all right. I've done it.Copy !req
612. Finished? Yeah, finished.
Stop the clock.Copy !req
613. Happy days. See you, Jeff.
Cheers. Yeah.Copy !req
614. Enjoy the rest of your day.
Thank you.Copy !req
615. Thank you, Rhod. Thanks, mate.Copy !req
616. I said, "Stop the clock."
It's not a timed task, was it?Copy !req
617. I said, "Stop the clock."
I thought it was a timed task.Copy !req
618. And I've just realised,
watching it back, that it wasn't.Copy !req
619. Oh, it wasn't.Copy !req
620. Let me put it this way -
if you were in a caravan with me,Copy !req
621. which would you rather? What? I say,
"Cheer up, Greg," and walk out,Copy !req
622. or I stayed for 20 minutes with you?Copy !req
623. Yeah, yeah, definitely,
I prefer you going...Copy !req
624. You have a very good point.Copy !req
625. Scores? Yep. OK.Copy !req
626. I think Kerry put Jeff in a
worse mood. Give her one point.Copy !req
627. One point, though, Kerry.Copy !req
628. Er... I think that leaving the van
made Jeff happier than he wasCopy !req
629. before Rhod was in the van with him.Copy !req
630. Two points. Phil... What?Copy !req
631. .. couple of absolute
cracking openers,Copy !req
632. but he really hated the thumb thing.Copy !req
633. I think three is more than fair.Copy !req
634. And I can't separate Jess and JamesCopy !req
635. and I think they both
deserve five points.Copy !req
636. Well, they're both doing the same
body language. Two winners.Copy !req
637. Jess and James, the Js.Copy !req
638. Alex, can we have a scoreboard,
please? Yeah, we've got Phil...Copy !req
639. I'm going to use the word
languishing on six points.Copy !req
640. But Jess is 12 points ahead on 18
at the moment, in the lead.Copy !req
641. Whoo!Copy !req
642. It's time for a break. See you soon.Copy !req
643. Hello! And welcome back
to Taskmaster, part four.Copy !req
644. Another task, please, Alex,
quick as you like.Copy !req
645. OK, it's time for a quick
change of perspective.Copy !req
646. It's a long walk, isn't it?
Here he is. Hello.Copy !req
647. Hello, Kerry. Hello, Jess.Copy !req
648. Hello, Rhod. Hello.Copy !req
649. Hello, Phil. Hi, Alex.Copy !req
650. Hello, James.Copy !req
651. You all right?
Do you not say hello, James?Copy !req
652. Would you like to open the task?Copy !req
653. All right. It's tiny!Copy !req
654. Quite small. Have you got good
eyesight? Oh, my God.Copy !req
655. Would you be able to open
the task for us, James?Copy !req
656. Yeah.Copy !req
657. He don't mind doing that.Copy !req
658. That's nice.Copy !req
659. He's got very strict rules today
about what he will and won't do.Copy !req
660. Make yourselves look
as little or big as possible.Copy !req
661. You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now.Copy !req
662. What, with the camera? You can do
what ever you wantCopy !req
663. to make yourselves look
as little or big as possible.Copy !req
664. Now, the first lot
we're going to seeCopy !req
665. have the shortest life expectancy.Copy !req
666. Yes, it's the men.Copy !req
667. Here we go.Copy !req
668. Hello, James.Copy !req
669. Hello, Alex.Copy !req
670. How do you do, Rhod?Copy !req
671. Hello, Alex!Copy !req
672. Phil?Copy !req
673. Phil?Copy !req
674. Hello, Alex.Copy !req
675. ARGH!Copy !req
676. Fe, fi, fo, Phil!Copy !req
677. I mean, credit where credit's due,
I thought that was awesome.Copy !req
678. Guess how we did it.Copy !req
679. How the hell was it done?Copy !req
680. Me and Rhod...Copy !req
681. .. weren't as close to the
camera as it appeared.Copy !req
682. Do you want to see a team with an
impressively even number of ribs?Copy !req
683. Jess and Kerry, here we go.Copy !req
684. Hey, Jess. Catch.Copy !req
685. I like your bangle.Copy !req
686. It's yours.Copy !req
687. Thanks.Copy !req
688. I've got you a massive duck.Copy !req
689. Kerry, it's tiny.Copy !req
690. SQUEAK!Copy !req
691. Got you a little something.Copy !req
692. What is it?Copy !req
693. A little portrait of Greg.Copy !req
694. Oh. No, no, it's too big.Copy !req
695. Jess! It's massive! Jess!Copy !req
696. ARGH!Copy !req
697. Ooh... You all right?Copy !req
698. Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.Copy !req
699. I love it. I love it.Copy !req
700. Seemed funnier on the day.Copy !req
701. I enjoyed the technical
prowess very much.Copy !req
702. It's a very close-run thing for me.
Is it?Copy !req
703. Very, because I thoroughly
enjoyed both films.Copy !req
704. Right. Did you? Did you?Copy !req
705. You know, in the context
of my contractual obligation, yes.Copy !req
706. I'm going to award it on the basis
that the boys did lookCopy !req
707. physically smaller and,
in Phil's case,Copy !req
708. physically bigger than the girls.
OK, so, how many points to the men?Copy !req
709. Well, three points to the men
and two points to the women.Copy !req
710. OK, there we go. Three for the men,
two for the women.Copy !req
711. Right, will all five of you
please vacate the areaCopy !req
712. and head to the stage
for the final task of the show?Copy !req
713. Visually stunning already. Who will
be reading the task out, Alex?Copy !req
714. The person who is wearing the outfit
the best, Jessica Knappett.Copy !req
715. Ah!Copy !req
716. Taking it in turn,Copy !req
717. each team must dangle one of these
items on the hanger.Copy !req
718. A different member of the team
must dangle each time.Copy !req
719. Once you've touched one of
the items, you must dangle itCopy !req
720. and you must dangle within 20
seconds of the previous dangler.Copy !req
721. The team who doesn't cause the items
on the hanger to fall wins.Copy !req
722. So, this is the first-ever team
studio task. Got it.Copy !req
723. So it's women versus men.
Are there questions?Copy !req
724. Yes. Hello, Kerry.
I don't understand it.Copy !req
725. I do. It just says dangle a lot.Copy !req
726. I'll run you through it, Kerry.
Thank you.Copy !req
727. So, you might come along and pick up
the massive duck and dangle itCopy !req
728. by the hook on the beam. Yeah.Copy !req
729. Then one of the men will come along
and pick up another item,Copy !req
730. dangle it on the beam. OK?
OK, so we're just dangling shit?Copy !req
731. The first team member that causes
the hanger to fallCopy !req
732. are the losers, right? Exactly that.Copy !req
733. Oh! It's Coat Hanger Buckaroo!
It's Coat Hanger Buckaroo!Copy !req
734. Why didn't you just say it was
Coat Hanger Buckaroo?Copy !req
735. And, Alex, once you've picked
an item up,Copy !req
736. there's no putting
it down again? Yes.Copy !req
737. Do you understand that? Yes!Copy !req
738. I'll be watching you like
a fucking hawk.Copy !req
739. Right, let's do it.Copy !req
740. Quite a fat hawk, to be fair.Copy !req
741. Ooh!Copy !req
742. He's right, I've let myself go.Copy !req
743. Earlier, Greg gave me this card.Copy !req
744. I don't know if you want
to read that? That's...Copy !req
745. "I, Gregory Davies,
being of sound mind,Copy !req
746. "hereby predict that
during the coat hanger task,Copy !req
747. "Rhod Gilbert will make a joke
about how fat I am."Copy !req
748. So, the women are first up.Copy !req
749. You've got 20 seconds.Copy !req
750. Starting...
WHISTLECopy !req
751. So, one of you step forward.
Jess, you go first.Copy !req
752. So you must hang that. You've
touched that, you must hang that.Copy !req
753. Is it a heavy one? It's clearly
heavy. Yes, it is.Copy !req
754. It's absolutely fine.
I know what I'm doing.Copy !req
755. And that's 20 seconds.
You must let go. Let go, please.Copy !req
756. OK, men, step forward, one of you.
One of you.Copy !req
757. OK, Phil's gone. Phil's gone.Copy !req
758. Phil, the time! Come on.
Go on, Phil.Copy !req
759. Oh, heavy one. Ooh! Is going to be
counterintuitive, isn't it?Copy !req
760. It's OK.Copy !req
761. You've got five seconds. Ooh...Copy !req
762. Oh!Copy !req
763. It's all over.Copy !req
764. Game over?Copy !req
765. Game over.Copy !req
766. I thought they'd made the heavy
things look light!Copy !req
767. I thought they'd made
the heavy things look light!Copy !req
768. We win. That was an anti-climax,
wasn't it?Copy !req
769. Please come down and we'll see how
that's affected the final scores.Copy !req
770. Biggest anti-climax in
Taskmaster history?Copy !req
771. Well, I mean, I think someone
ruined it for everyone,Copy !req
772. but I don't think it's
anyone's fault.Copy !req
773. Come on,
let's have some stats and stuff.Copy !req
774. Well, it does mean the women
are stretching their lead.Copy !req
775. 93 points each to Kerry and Jess.Copy !req
776. Joint first in the series,
so well done them.Copy !req
777. Oh! Yes! Joint first place?Copy !req
778. The nearest man is Rhod with 85,
then James with 82,Copy !req
779. then Phil with 68.Copy !req
780. But in this episode, in first place,Copy !req
781. is Jessica Knappett
who's on 25 compared to James's 20.Copy !req
782. Jessica Knappett wins.Copy !req
783. Well done to Jessica Knappett.Copy !req
784. Please go and gather your
terrible presents.Copy !req
785. Yeah!Copy !req
786. So, what have we learned today?Copy !req
787. We've learned apparently if you
want to cheer up a traffic warden,Copy !req
788. don't target his arthritic knees.Copy !req
789. But now, let's hear it again
for tonight's winner,Copy !req
790. a better person than any of us,
it's Jessica Knappett.Copy !req
791. See you next time for our 50th show.Copy !req
792. SMASHING
Oh!Copy !req