1. Ah!Copy !req
2. Whoo!Copy !req
3. No!Copy !req
4. Hello!Copy !req
5. Thank you.
Thank you for the clapping.Copy !req
6. You know the drill.
It's Taskmaster. I'm Greg Davies.Copy !req
7. 'Some funny folk have completed
some tasks and I'm going to judge
them on their efforts.Copy !req
8. 'Jesus Christ,
can we just get on with it?Copy !req
9. Your five combating contenders
are...Copy !req
10. James Acaster!Copy !req
11. Jessica Knappett!Copy !req
12. Kerry Godliman!Copy !req
13. Phil Wang!Copy !req
14. And Rhod Gilbert!Copy !req
15. And here, standing just shy
of five feet tall,Copy !req
16. it's my sufficient assistant,
ooh, it's...Copy !req
17. .. little Alex Horne!Copy !req
18. So... Yes, I've written a poem.
Ooh!Copy !req
19. I've passed my driving test.
I've seen a foreign film.Copy !req
20. 'I've used talcum powder.
This is your big moment.
You know that, don't you?Copy !req
21. I'm reading my CV. I've met...Copy !req
22. I've met two jockeys. Now...Copy !req
23. 'I'll tell you why this irritates me,
cos it looks like
we've planned this. We haven't.Copy !req
24. 'Alex gets these few moments to say
whatever he wants, and this is what
he's chosen to say. Rhod, please.Copy !req
25. 'It doesn't look like
you planned this.Copy !req
26. I think we need to get on
with the show, Alex. OK.Copy !req
27. 'We're gonna start with a prize
task. And today's category is to
bring in the most confusingthing.Copy !req
28. Mm. You, Lord Davies, will judge
whose thing is the most confusing.Copy !req
29. 'The one with
the most confusing thing will
max out on points for this section.Copy !req
30. 'At the end of the episode,
the winner will take home loads
of things to get all befuddledby.Copy !req
31. That's how it works. Yeah.Copy !req
32. 'Thanks, little man. Right.
Jessica Knappett,
what is your confusing thing?Copy !req
33. T-shirts.Copy !req
34. Five points. That's a great start.
Let's end it there.Copy !req
35. Specifics?Copy !req
36. I think when you buy a T-shirt,
wear a T-shirt,Copy !req
37. you should know why you're wearing
it and at least what it says.Copy !req
38. I understand so far.
What have you brought in?Copy !req
39. I've brought in a T-shirt that I
bought in a small village in Spain.Copy !req
40. I've been trying to figure out
what they meant.Copy !req
41. There comes the raven?
I don't get it.Copy !req
42. Here comes the raven?
Here comes the raven. But so what?Copy !req
43. 'IUF can stand for
International Union of Food
or Immune Uterine Fluid,Copy !req
44. which can attract,
that can attract ravens.Copy !req
45. That's cleared it up.
Wow! OK. Move on.Copy !req
46. I'll show you how confused I am.Copy !req
47. 'James Acaster, what did you bring in
that's confusing,
and why will it confuse me?Copy !req
48. A DVD of The Matrix.Copy !req
49. 'Everyone who you spoke to
about The Matrix has gone, "I can't
wrap my head around it, man.Copy !req
50. Try and watch The Matrix, man."Copy !req
51. 'I...
Who are these people?Copy !req
52. My parents.Copy !req
53. 'But it's a thing, right? It's like
saying, "This isn't reality.
There's a different reality.Copy !req
54. And you're plugged into the matrix.
And you're a machine.Copy !req
55. Or are you? You're not a machine.
You're imagining stuff."Copy !req
56. And people don't know
what The Matrix is about.Copy !req
57. 'Well, I haven't seen The Matrix,
but from what you've just said...
Yeah?Copy !req
58. '..my understanding is the people
in the matrix think they're existing
in one reality. Yes.Copy !req
59. But, in fact, it turns out
they're plugged into machinesCopy !req
60. and they're experiencing
an entirely different reality.Copy !req
61. 'Great. Can you go back to the
beginning? I didn't get that.Copy !req
62. 'Do you wanna move on to Kerry?
Jesus Christ, yes!Copy !req
63. Kerry, what have you brought in
that's confused you?Copy !req
64. I have brought in the wires
round the back of my telly.Copy !req
65. Ha-ha-ha! Yes!Copy !req
66. Confusing.Copy !req
67. 'And what's really sad is
I bought that Wii U for my son
over a year ago.Copy !req
68. 'He hasn't been able to play it for
six months cos I can't plug it in.Copy !req
69. 'I sometimes just don't watch films,
like The Matrix, cos I can't
be fucked to plug it in.Copy !req
70. 'I can't cope with that.
I'm going to write that quote down.
"Can't be fucked to plug it in."Copy !req
71. '"Godliman sums things up again.
Bosh! Can't be fucked!" Bosh!Copy !req
72. 'Rhodri, what's the confusing thing
you've brought in,
and why did it confuse you?Copy !req
73. 'Well,
my story relates to an incident
where I went to a T-shirt shopCopy !req
74. and they got inexplicably confused
at my simple request.Copy !req
75. 'OK. My simple request was,
"Can you put my favourite picture
onto a T-shirt?" Yeah?Copy !req
76. And then they did this.Copy !req
77. I don't know if we can see
the original pictures. Oh, I wonder.Copy !req
78. It's confusing how you're getting
away with using this picture.Copy !req
79. And still they laugh. You prick!Copy !req
80. Strap in! There's six more episodes!Copy !req
81. 'I'm very confused as to why you're
so obsessed with a semi-naked me.
Er, Phil?Copy !req
82. My confusing thing
is a confusing little box.Copy !req
83. Do you wanna see a picture?
Yes, please. OK. Here's a picture.Copy !req
84. It's a confusing little box
that you can't open, but you can.Copy !req
85. But you can't open it. But you can
open it. It's a mysterious boxCopy !req
86. I bought in Thailand
from a mysterious man.Copy !req
87. And I haggled. I haggled.Copy !req
88. I haggled for this box.
OK. How did the haggling process go?Copy !req
89. He said, "300 baht." Yeah?
And I said, "150."Copy !req
90. 'And then he said, "300."
And then I said, "200."Copy !req
91. And then he said, "300."Copy !req
92. So I paid 300 baht.Copy !req
93. And it's been absolutely worth it.
Do you think you can open it?Copy !req
94. I can't open that picture.
No. You can open that box. Oh!Copy !req
95. 'Do you wanna give it a go?
It's a confusing little box. This
is gonna be good old telly, innit?Copy !req
96. Oh, just open the box, you pussy!Copy !req
97. I don't know where that came from.
I don't know where that came from.Copy !req
98. 'CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I don't know where that came from.
I don't know where that came from.Copy !req
99. I don't know where that came from.
I just got impatient.Copy !req
100. Are you upset with me?
I'm sorry. I got... I thought...Copy !req
101. 'No, no, no, it's alright. In my
head, I thought it was in my head.Copy !req
102. 'Oh, my God! I've just taken charge
of the box. If I'd been there
for 20 minutes or so,Copy !req
103. 'I could understand you getting
irritated, but I still wouldn't
expect that sort of language.Copy !req
104. 'You apologise
and we'll leave it there.
I'm very sorry. That's alright.Copy !req
105. There you go. Do you wanna try
and open it? There you go.Copy !req
106. Ohhh!Copy !req
107. It is open. It is open.Copy !req
108. Are you alright, Phil?
You don't even care.Copy !req
109. 'That's 300 baht
I'm never getting back.Copy !req
110. 'It's frustrating, isn't it, Greg,
when you're asked to complete tasks
under pressureCopy !req
111. 'and there's
a lot of people watching?Copy !req
112. 'Do you wanna judge them? I hope
that round of applause was worth
the three points you've just lost.Copy !req
113. I'm sorry, James.Copy !req
114. 'And this isn't because you called me
a pussy. Or is it?
Who knows what reality is any more?Copy !req
115. It's just a film. I got it
within your description. One point.Copy !req
116. One point to James. Yeah. Fair play.Copy !req
117. Kerry, just a bunch of wires.
Bosh! Two points.Copy !req
118. OK. Two to Kerry. Three. And you're
lucky to be getting these.Copy !req
119. 'Why you are so obsessed with me,
you freak? Three points.Copy !req
120. 'I'm gonna give Phil four points,
because that T-shirt is still
wrecking with my head.Copy !req
121. Five points to Jess. Well done.Copy !req
122. OK. Time for a task
to be projected onto the big screen.Copy !req
123. 'Please, Alex.
OK. In that case, I'm gonna
flick the switch and off we go.Copy !req
124. Hello. Ah!Copy !req
125. Where is he?Copy !req
126. Oh, no!Copy !req
127. Work out what happens
when you flick this switch on.Copy !req
128. You may not take the switch
out of this room.Copy !req
129. Your time starts now.Copy !req
130. 'There's a live wire there and
a neutral wire there, coming over
there. There's gaffer tapeto there.Copy !req
131. Oh, so I'm allowed to flick it.Copy !req
132. I hated that one.Copy !req
133. Pretty straightforward. Let's crack
on, Alex. Crack straight on? Yeah.Copy !req
134. 'OK. We're gonna start with three
contestants who didn't enjoy this
task. It's two girls, one Wang.Copy !req
135. 'Ready?
Here we go.Copy !req
136. It says "Off." On.
Let's have a look, shall we?Copy !req
137. I wonder if there's just a light.Copy !req
138. No!Copy !req
139. 'There's a tap that's been left on.
I'd be very impressed
if you've managed to...Copy !req
140. No.Copy !req
141. That fan's going.Copy !req
142. Oh!Copy !req
143. This is hard.Copy !req
144. A-ha!
A floodlight. I didn't see you.Copy !req
145. Hello, Kerry.
Right. Keep an eye on that, then.Copy !req
146. Oh, come on!Copy !req
147. Is it these lamps?Copy !req
148. Come on!Copy !req
149. All the lights are on.Copy !req
150. Ah!Copy !req
151. Ah! It's still on!Copy !req
152. No.Copy !req
153. Turning it off.Copy !req
154. Now... No!Copy !req
155. It's not the sprinkler, cos I turned
it off and it's still going.Copy !req
156. On it goes again. No.Copy !req
157. Off. We want it off.Copy !req
158. Oh!Copy !req
159. This is stressing me out, this one!Copy !req
160. Yeah! No, it's not them.Copy !req
161. Hi, Phil.Copy !req
162. That's facing the other way.Copy !req
163. He's moved. He was facing
the other way, wasn't he?Copy !req
164. Oh, my God! That's turned round.Copy !req
165. Well, it's off now.Copy !req
166. It's him! It's him! Ollie? Yeah.Copy !req
167. A-ha! I've got it! Ollie turns
around. I'll stop the clock.Copy !req
168. Did you enjoy that one? No! No.Copy !req
169. That was against the clock, right?
Fastest wins.Copy !req
170. 'Ah! Do you think there was
any way you could have been
more efficient during that task?Copy !req
171. Yeah, you could have gone out
with a checklist.Copy !req
172. 'I mean, the most efficient thing to
do would have gone outside and gone,
"It's a statue."Copy !req
173. 'Hindsight. Hindsight is a fine
thing. A wonderful thing, yeah.
A better thing to doCopy !req
174. would have gone out with
a checklist. Checklist. Yeah.Copy !req
175. 'What, gone out, said, "That's on.
That's on. That's on. That's on."
Then go back in...Copy !req
176. 'It may be that I've started this
tone by smashing that little box,
but you seem quite cross.Copy !req
177. I'll be honest. That was the one I
hated the most. This one? Yeah. Why?Copy !req
178. 'It made me very cross.
It wore me out. It stressed me out.
It hurt my head.Copy !req
179. 'LAUGHTER
You were the quickest
of these three. Feel better now?Copy !req
180. Maybe.Copy !req
181. Phil took 10 minutes 50 seconds.
Jesus Christ! 10 minutes 50.Copy !req
182. Kerry, 9.26. Sorry.Copy !req
183. And Jess, 11.49. So it is a similar
ballpark, all of them. Good.Copy !req
184. 'That's the end of part one, friends.
If you're stuck for what to spend
all of your money on,Copy !req
185. 'then stay tuned for the next three
minutes, then come back to us,
please, I need you.Copy !req
186. 'CHEERING AND APPLAUSECopy !req
187. Hello! Thank you.Copy !req
188. You've just walked in on Taskmaster,
but don't worry, we're not shy.Copy !req
189. Before the break, there was
a tricky little task going on.Copy !req
190. 'You're right. They've been trying
to work out what a switch
in the lab controls. OK?Copy !req
191. 'Next we're gonna see a little old
man. It's Rhod Gilbert.Copy !req
192. So that... But that goes there.Copy !req
193. 'What's that? Is that just something,
like, is that connected to the task,
or is it something...Copy !req
194. There's another plug there.Copy !req
195. 'Well, I'll tell you what, I'll flick
that switch off, then nothing will
happen when I flick that switch.Copy !req
196. 'LAUGHTER
Nothing happens when you flick
that switch. Stop the clock.Copy !req
197. 'That's my final answer.
Nothing happens.
No, maybe it's not my final answer.Copy !req
198. Nothing happens. I mean...Copy !req
199. Unless it's something that happens
somewhere else.Copy !req
200. 'LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I wish that prick was electrocuted
in the studio if I flicked that.Copy !req
201. Take that, you fizzy fuck now,
aren't you?Copy !req
202. Fizzing in that chair.Copy !req
203. Fizzing on your concrete
power commode. Take that.Copy !req
204. I hope those teeth fall out of your
head. It shouldn't take much.Copy !req
205. Hopefully the answer is
you flick the switchCopy !req
206. 'and Greg gets electrocuted and those
rotten pistachios he calls teeth
just all just rattle aboutCopy !req
207. and fall out of his head.
That's my final answer.Copy !req
208. I must've done something to you
around 2009,Copy !req
209. because the vast majority
of your responsesCopy !req
210. are about my rotten teeth.Copy !req
211. 'LAUGHTER
Which I had fixed
some eight years ago.Copy !req
212. 'He was the quickest.
He was the quickest. We stopped
the clock at 3 minutes 37.Copy !req
213. 'Thank you very much.
But I'm not sure he got it right.
No. Whoa! He didn't get it!Copy !req
214. 'Yeah, I did.
Once I'd clicked the main switch,
that switch didn't do anything.Copy !req
215. 'No. If you'd left it...
We all established...
Ba-ba-ba-ba! Ba-ba-ba-ba!Copy !req
216. Ba-ba-ba! Ba-ba-ba!Copy !req
217. Now, we're moving on to the last
contestant. It's James Acaster.Copy !req
218. A really annoying place
for the switch to be.Copy !req
219. Fucking hell!Copy !req
220. Fan.Copy !req
221. Hello, Alex. Hello, James.
It's a good one. Thank you.Copy !req
222. OK.Copy !req
223. A-ha!Copy !req
224. It operates you, the switch does.Copy !req
225. Pleased with yourself?Copy !req
226. I feel very pleased.Copy !req
227. But was that chance? It was chance.
He just caught you.Copy !req
228. 'He checked everything, the whole
area in one go, rather...
I'll tell you what it was, Kerry.Copy !req
229. It was urgency.Copy !req
230. The man appreciated he was against
the clock and he moved with speed.Copy !req
231. I was legging it! He didn't wander
round going, "It's not the tap.Copy !req
232. I'll mosey back to the switch."
I was not wandering.Copy !req
233. 'I was running. We were all running!
No, Kerry, you were...Copy !req
234. Watch it back! Watch it back!
I was running!Copy !req
235. 'You may have done one run.
You were largely sauntering.Copy !req
236. 'And then you went all Phil Mitchell
again, when asked a perfectly...
"Did you enjoy that, Kerry?"Copy !req
237. "No, I fucking didn't!"Copy !req
238. 'How long did James take, then?
Well, Jess took 11 something.
Phil, 10 something.Copy !req
239. You, 9 something. James, 5.35.Copy !req
240. It's pretty quick. Ooh!Copy !req
241. 'Let's give some points out,
shall we? Well, I guess you're
doing it for speed. Of course.Copy !req
242. 'I mean, we all know
James Acaster gets five points
for winning the task. Boom!Copy !req
243. 'It then goes four to Kerry,
three to Phil, two to Jessica.
But what happens with Rhod?Copy !req
244. 'Go on, give him a point.
OK. One point. One point. OK.Copy !req
245. Alex, can we have a look
at a score board, please? OK.Copy !req
246. There are joint leaders.
Phil and Jess have seven points.Copy !req
247. Do you have a nice
uplifting task for us?Copy !req
248. Well, I've got a nice down-lifting
task for you. Is that alright?Copy !req
249. I guess so. Mm!Copy !req
250. Ah! Hello!Copy !req
251. Hello. Hello, Jess.Copy !req
252. I'm just taking in my surroundings.
Ooh!Copy !req
253. Hello, James. Ooh, don't touch that.Copy !req
254. Well, you can if you want,
I suppose.Copy !req
255. Dramatically alter your appearance.Copy !req
256. Most dramatic alteration wins.Copy !req
257. 'You may start
altering your appearance
when you are inside the lift...Copy !req
258. And the doors are closed.
I don't like lifts.Copy !req
259. 'You must stop
altering your appearance
when the doors... open again.Copy !req
260. That's a good way of timing it.
A fair way.Copy !req
261. That's, like... 18 seconds.Copy !req
262. You may inspect
the contents of the briefcase...Copy !req
263. For five minutes before the lift
doors open for the first time.Copy !req
264. Start the clock!Copy !req
265. OK.Copy !req
266. Oh!Copy !req
267. OK, great. Cotton wool pleat.Copy !req
268. I like that.
Love it. Love it. Love it. Felt.Copy !req
269. Jam. Oh, God.Copy !req
270. No. Wig. No. Wig.Copy !req
271. So many things. Moustache?Copy !req
272. Breasts.Copy !req
273. Mustard? I'm no make-up artist.Copy !req
274. Oh! I can't imagine
it's gonna involve mustard.Copy !req
275. How much time do I have? You've got
two minutes and 20 seconds. Agh!Copy !req
276. I've got a sheer panic on.
I can't think what to do.Copy !req
277. 'Can I take your coat?
Your jacket, please, Alex. I'm gonna
call the lift in ten seconds. Ah!Copy !req
278. Ooh!Copy !req
279. Good luck, Kerry. I'm really scared!Copy !req
280. 'Words are key
in some of these tasks. And I think
the key word here is dramatically.Copy !req
281. To dramatically
alter the appearance. Yes.Copy !req
282. 'I'll give you an example, shall I?
This is Alex's normal face.
And now...Copy !req
283. ..a dramatic face!Copy !req
284. Fucking hell!Copy !req
285. 'Let's see how dramatically our lift
chums altered their appearance.
OK. They had 18 seconds in the lift.Copy !req
286. 'We're gonna see each
of their attempts individually.
Up first, it's Jessie K,Copy !req
287. 'who has already proven herself
quite the quick-change artist
in episode one,Copy !req
288. which is available on catch-up
on UKTV Play.Copy !req
289. Here she is!Copy !req
290. Please press G. Yeah.
Good luck. Bye.Copy !req
291. I can't move cos it'll fall off.
What will fall off?Copy !req
292. Oh, I like your shirt and tie.Copy !req
293. Unrecognisable.Copy !req
294. Yeah. There we go.Copy !req
295. Shirt and tie.Copy !req
296. Ah, Mr Bond.Copy !req
297. Pretty dramatic, right? Well,
I mean, incredible. High drama.Copy !req
298. 'I actually thought,
when the beard fell away, that was
when the outfit really kicked in.Copy !req
299. 'Because you'd gone to the trouble
of making a tie. Yeah, out of felt.Copy !req
300. Felt on paper, that was. Felt on
paper. Did you make that pre-lift?Copy !req
301. 'Yeah, pre-lift. Pre-lift?
That's part of the prep.
Five minutes prep time.Copy !req
302. Can I also just say,
I have a genuine phobia of lifts.Copy !req
303. 'Do you think it was that big a deal
if you overcame it in five minutes?Copy !req
304. It was 18 seconds.Copy !req
305. I knew that it was only
gonna be 18 seconds,Copy !req
306. 'and I knew that they'd get me out
because they had to
because I'm on telly. Yeah.Copy !req
307. Just like that! Bam! It's the end of
part two! Bam! Just like that! Bam!Copy !req
308. 'CHEERING AND APPLAUSECopy !req
309. 'Thanks, thanks,
and an extra side portion of thanks.
It's Taskmaster part threeCopy !req
310. 'and five comedians are vying
for Kerry Godliman's HDMI cable.Copy !req
311. Which task are we in the thick of,
little Alex Horne?Copy !req
312. We are doing one that's really
elevated the series, Greg.Copy !req
313. Yes. Aww! God. Heartbreaking.Copy !req
314. 'I'm so sorry.
They're trying to alter their
appearance as much as possibleCopy !req
315. 'within the 18 seconds
it takes the lift to go
from upstairs to downstairs.Copy !req
316. They had five minutes to prepare
and a case full of props.Copy !req
317. We're gonna see what's going down
with Phil Wang.Copy !req
318. Please press G.Copy !req
319. Who are you?Copy !req
320. OK.Copy !req
321. Er, pleased?Copy !req
322. Yeah. Couldn't look much different.Copy !req
323. Also, you'll notice that when I went
in, I wasn't holding a jar of jam.Copy !req
324. 'I mean, that's one of the things
I want to discuss
more than anything else, really,Copy !req
325. is how you think that holding
a pot of jam alters your appearance.Copy !req
326. Mm. So, I go from...Copy !req
327. I go from appearing not to have
any jam, to appearing as I do.Copy !req
328. I'm backing you up here, Wang.
Thank you.Copy !req
329. 'He didn't have jam when he went in.
He had jam when he came out.Copy !req
330. The bigger problem for me,
I thought, was that it was,Copy !req
331. 'there's one thing about you,
across this whole series,
that is unmistakably you.Copy !req
332. 'Never any doubt. Whereas if you
had just held the jam there...Copy !req
333. .. thus completely transforming
your identity. Yeah.Copy !req
334. 'Do you wanna see what Rhod did?
Let's hope that what Rhod did
isn't more ridiculousCopy !req
335. than just holding a jar of jam.Copy !req
336. OK. This is what Rhod did. Let's go.Copy !req
337. Get in the lift and press G.Copy !req
338. Press G? Yes, please. Good luck.Copy !req
339. 'Does it hurt? Oh, the mustard
in my eyes is agony.Copy !req
340. 'I'm really thinking now
I should've used mayonnaise.Copy !req
341. 'That's how dramatically I altered
my appearance. I went to the ladies'
toilets immediately after that.Copy !req
342. 'I knew your clothes were coming off,
so that was no surprise to me.
But there was absolutely no needCopy !req
343. to rub mustard into your face.Copy !req
344. 'Also, that was a wig. He chose a wig
which looked exactly like his hair.
But it was a wig.Copy !req
345. 'I didn't even know
you were wearing a wig.Copy !req
346. I thought you took your clothes off
and smeared mustard over your face.Copy !req
347. That is the sign of a good wig.Copy !req
348. Who's next?
What will Kerry Godliman do?Copy !req
349. 'Let's see Kerry Godliman's attempt
to find out the answer
to the questionCopy !req
350. about what Kerry Godliman will do.
Here we go.Copy !req
351. What do I press? G.Copy !req
352. You did say that. Sorry.Copy !req
353. One.Copy !req
354. Two.Copy !req
355. Three.Copy !req
356. Four.Copy !req
357. Five.Copy !req
358. Six.Copy !req
359. Seven.Copy !req
360. Eight.Copy !req
361. Nine.Copy !req
362. 'Ten.
No! I'm not ready!Copy !req
363. That wasn't 20 seconds. Would you
mind stepping out of the lift?Copy !req
364. That wasn't 20 seconds.Copy !req
365. There was so much more
that was gonna happen.Copy !req
366. 'It's a good look. No, because I was
gonna do the knees on the shoes
and I was gonna wear theshades.Copy !req
367. Thank you, Kerry. OK.Copy !req
368. 'I was so excited about that one.
Yeah. So, who was your final
character going to be?Copy !req
369. I was just meant to be
dramatically... Are you trying to...Copy !req
370. I know where he's going.
Where are we going with this?Copy !req
371. 'I'm just wondering what you thought
your final character, who you
thought your final character...Copy !req
372. 'The task wasn't to become
a character. The task was just to
dramatically change. No, I know!Copy !req
373. 'What is your problem with this?
I haven't got a problem.
I'm just asking...Copy !req
374. 'Imagine if you were a foot shorter,
how dramatically different...
You'd be nothing.Copy !req
375. 'Also,
I did look dramatically different,
more so than these two. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
376. 'So as long as we're not the same.
No, you did not...
I was just backing you up!Copy !req
377. 'No. Have you learned nothing?
All you did was shove a bloody
Brillo pad on your tits.Copy !req
378. 'That's not what I did.
That's not what I did.Copy !req
379. 'I was sticking up for you.
You need to learn not to help people
cos we always stab you in the back.Copy !req
380. You do, all of you!Copy !req
381. 'I would like to point out
that when Rhod accused you of
putting a Brillo pad on your tits,Copy !req
382. James Acaster went like this.Copy !req
383. 'That was mainly
cos of the word "tits."Copy !req
384. OK. The last person
is James Acaster. Here we go.Copy !req
385. Oh, no! No!Copy !req
386. No! No! No!Copy !req
387. No! No! No!Copy !req
388. Please step out of the lift.Copy !req
389. Oh, I'm last. I'm last in this one.
Do you think?Copy !req
390. This is what happens if you believe
what happens in films.Copy !req
391. 'Cos you pressed
the emergency button
and you just thought it would stop.Copy !req
392. Yeah. You can take your time.
Probably could override it.Copy !req
393. 'Yeah, yeah. Press that, the whole
thing would stop. An alarm went off
and you continued to travel.Copy !req
394. Points.Copy !req
395. One point, James Acaster.Copy !req
396. OK. The second least
dramatically-disguised.Copy !req
397. 'It doesn't matter how many pots
of jam someone is holding...Copy !req
398. 'This again!I will still be able
to identify them, particularly
if they've labelled themselves.Copy !req
399. Two points for Phil Wang. As not
them! And thank me for those.Copy !req
400. Purely cos she doesn't know
the concept of time,Copy !req
401. 'it's old furry norks, Kerry.
Three points. OK.Copy !req
402. So it's between Jess and Rhod.Copy !req
403. 'Now, when Jess
first stepped out of the lift,
I hadn't got a clue who it was.Copy !req
404. 'SHE GASPS
And unfortunately,
her beard fell awayCopy !req
405. and I knew it was definitely
Jessica Knappett.Copy !req
406. 'Are you joking?
I'm gonna lose to mustard face?Copy !req
407. And so, against all odds,
with five points, the winner of thisCopy !req
408. 'is old mustard face,
Mr Rhod Gilbert.Copy !req
409. Four to Jess. Five to Rod.Copy !req
410. You! Yes?
What's next? Well, thank you.Copy !req
411. This one has been weighing very
heavily on my mind. Here it is.Copy !req
412. Make these scales read 31.770kg.Copy !req
413. Kilograms.Copy !req
414. The scales must read 31.77kg...
For at least five seconds.Copy !req
415. Fastest wins.Copy !req
416. Your time starts now.Copy !req
417. OK. I've broken it.Copy !req
418. 'What's that?
It means you're too heavy. I can't
be too heavy. It's only my foot.Copy !req
419. 'MACHINE BEEPS
You're too heavy for the scales.
Shut up!Copy !req
420. Seriously? Yes.Copy !req
421. 'Are you winding me up?
How bloody rude!Copy !req
422. They had to make the scales
weigh exactly 31.770kg.Copy !req
423. 'Yeah.
They all tried to do it initially
by putting their body on it and...Copy !req
424. 'And? It's a butcher's scale,
it's very sensitive.
You'd have to lop a body part off.Copy !req
425. 'LAUGHTER
OK. First up to the scales,
it's Phil Wang.Copy !req
426. What?Copy !req
427. How much is 37?Copy !req
428. Oh, shit!Copy !req
429. Hot damn! We're in business. OK.Copy !req
430. Congratulations.Copy !req
431. I've stopped the clock.
Great. Can I get a selfie?Copy !req
432. 'That is the most delightfully nerdy
response to a task we've ever had.Copy !req
433. 'Selfie. It looked like an audition
for The Big Bang Theory.Copy !req
434. 'He nailed it. I mean, the bucket,
it was only 345g over
when he first put it on,Copy !req
435. 'which is about the weight of
a hamster in or on a baseball.Copy !req
436. What I would say was it wasn't
as quick as we made it look.Copy !req
437. It took him six minutes
to fill and then drag the bucket.Copy !req
438. 'But the benchmark
is 8 minutes 28 seconds.
That's what he achieved. OK?Copy !req
439. 'I forgot there was a time element.
Right. Just one part to go, with
the studio task to be completedCopy !req
440. and confusing things to be won.
See you right back here soon.Copy !req
441. Hello. Welcome to the final part
of this Taskmaster instalment.Copy !req
442. Yes. And I'm called Alex.Copy !req
443. Before the break, they were trying
to make an industrial set of scalesCopy !req
444. display 31.770kg exactly.Copy !req
445. 'Do you wanna see the two parents
have a go? Yes, I do.
OK, here are Kerry and Jess.Copy !req
446. 'I haven't really
thought this through. Oh, sorry!Copy !req
447. Right.Copy !req
448. Oh, it's gonna take ages.Copy !req
449. 'LAUGHTER
One? Am I allowed
to go out and come back in?Copy !req
450. Or do I have to do it all here? All
the information's on the task, Jess.Copy !req
451. 'SHE SIGHS
Can I have everybody's shoes,
please?Copy !req
452. I'm gonna need 31 pairs of shoes
at this rate.Copy !req
453. 'Why did I do that?
There are no windows open in here.
It absolutely stinks.Copy !req
454. 'SHE SIGHS
I could get some heavy stuff.
I could get some heavy stuff.Copy !req
455. That's the key, isn't it? Heavy
stuff? But not as heavy as me.Copy !req
456. I don't understand what to do.Copy !req
457. Why have you only used shoes?Copy !req
458. Does it say
you have to stay in this room?Copy !req
459. Oh, you made out like I did!Copy !req
460. I said all the information's
on the task.Copy !req
461. You're kidding me!Copy !req
462. This isn't practical.
I should've just gone with bricks.Copy !req
463. Oh!Copy !req
464. Oh, my God!
It absolutely stinks in here.Copy !req
465. Right, now we're really close,
aren't we?Copy !req
466. How much does water weigh?Copy !req
467. Oh! Oh!Copy !req
468. Oh, no! It's alright.Copy !req
469. One. Two. Three. Four.Copy !req
470. I've stopped the clock.
It took a while, didn't it?Copy !req
471. Yes!Copy !req
472. What? Oh, it's gotta be
five seconds. One.Copy !req
473. Two. Three.Copy !req
474. Four. Five. I've stopped the clock.Copy !req
475. 'It's often that quotes get thrown up
that I think may or may not
haunt contestants.Copy !req
476. 'I mean, I thought, "I could use
heavy stuff, but not as heavy as
me," was mildly embarrassing,Copy !req
477. 'but it was hugely eclipsed by,
"How much does water weigh?"
How much does water weigh?Copy !req
478. 'She ended up with a time
of 1 second and 16 minutes. What?Copy !req
479. 'Not awful.
Your approach looked a bit like
the back of your telly to me.Copy !req
480. Just absolute carnage.Copy !req
481. Kerry, as well. We know that
Phil got 8 minutes 28.Copy !req
482. Kerry, 8 minutes and 13 seconds.
Oh! Oh! Not so shit, then.Copy !req
483. I always knew it was alright.Copy !req
484. Thanks.
Yeah. Rhod and James are next up.Copy !req
485. There's gotta be an easier way
of this, I reckon.Copy !req
486. Will that do? 31.6?
No, that won't do.Copy !req
487. It needs to be 31.770. Jesus!Copy !req
488. You must be a butcher's nightmare.Copy !req
489. Why that number?Copy !req
490. Huh?Copy !req
491. Do you not like that number?Copy !req
492. Well, it's just a very specific
number, isn't it? Yes, it is.Copy !req
493. 0.065g.Copy !req
494. It's not gone up at all.Copy !req
495. Oh, no!Copy !req
496. Oh! Easy.Copy !req
497. Thank you, James. Thank you.Copy !req
498. More balloons than spit, eh?Copy !req
499. 'The problem was, you slightly
misread the scales. You thought
you needed 0.065 more grams,Copy !req
500. but you needed 65g... What?
.. worth of spit.Copy !req
501. When you started spitting,
you actually needed 65g.Copy !req
502. That's a tennis ball.
That's a tennis ball-worth of spit.Copy !req
503. I did it. Eventually.Copy !req
504. Rhod, 7 minutes 7.
James, 5 minutes and 44 seconds.Copy !req
505. Wins the task. Yep.Copy !req
506. Just to run it down, it goes James
with five points, Rhod with four,Copy !req
507. Kerry with three, Phil with two, and
Jess, who took ages, one point. OK?Copy !req
508. Bad luck. Bad luck.Copy !req
509. 'James, your enquiring mind
kept demanding what's
the significance of the weight,Copy !req
510. and I know Alex is keen
to tell everyone, aren't you?Copy !req
511. 'Have you worked out the significance
of the weight? Ollie.
It says Ollie upside down. Oh!Copy !req
512. Ollie!Copy !req
513. 'Score board?
Yes, I'll give you a score board.
Well, the series scores are...Copy !req
514. 'not as close as we would have hoped,
but we've got James in last place
with 57.Copy !req
515. Then Phil with 58. We move into
the 60s. 63 to Rhod. 64 to Jess.Copy !req
516. Bosh! She's still there with 72.
Kerry's in the lead so far.Copy !req
517. Oh, man! Yeah.Copy !req
518. However, what I can tell you
is that this episode is tight.Copy !req
519. 'There are just two points
separating all five of them.
Rhod's in the lead. Phil's on 11.Copy !req
520. 'And there are three people
in joint second.
So it really is all to play for.Copy !req
521. 'APPLAUSE
In that case, it's time for you all
to vacate your chairsCopy !req
522. and make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!Copy !req
523. 'Who's going to read the task out?
James Acaster
is gonna read the task out.Copy !req
524. Oh! They've got handcuffs on.Copy !req
525. Oh, no! Oh, no. Do you want me
to hold it for you? Yes, please.Copy !req
526. Alex. Alex. Thank you.Copy !req
527. Correctly don
the most items of clothing.Copy !req
528. You have 100 seconds. Most new items
of clothing correctly donned wins.Copy !req
529. OK. Blow your whistle,
let's get donning.Copy !req
530. '100 seconds, starting now.
Good luck.Copy !req
531. Round the back.Copy !req
532. Sunglasses on.Copy !req
533. How are you gonna get that on?Copy !req
534. That won't go. That will not go.Copy !req
535. Oh, yes, it will. No, it won't.Copy !req
536. It's on!Copy !req
537. Good. You've got one minute left.
One minute left.Copy !req
538. One item to go here. One item to go.Copy !req
539. Really nice!Copy !req
540. Really nice!Copy !req
541. 35 seconds! I'll put my hat on you,
you put your hat on me. Yeah.Copy !req
542. Ohh!
Oh, that's gone. That's gone.Copy !req
543. Have you finished, Phil?
Have you finished? Not yet.Copy !req
544. It's the final 20 seconds. Come on!Copy !req
545. Five, four, three, two,Copy !req
546. one.Copy !req
547. Come down here. Let's see how that
affects the final scores. Alright.Copy !req
548. We've looked at the footage. Yes.Copy !req
549. We have only counted up the items
that were donned correctly. OK. OK.Copy !req
550. Phil is last. He gets one point.
OK. Jess, Kerry and RodCopy !req
551. all donned four items correctly.
Ooh!Copy !req
552. They all get four points. Whoa!Copy !req
553. 'James Acaster donned five items
correctly. He gets five points
and wins the task.Copy !req
554. 'That is going to make
a pretty dramatic difference
to the score board.Copy !req
555. I enjoyed that. Thank you.Copy !req
556. It does. It means the final
score board looks like this.Copy !req
557. It's a tie-break! Oh! Oh, wow!Copy !req
558. No!Copy !req
559. How are we gonna find our winner?Copy !req
560. Well, there's a lovely little
extra task, of course, Greg.Copy !req
561. 'All they had to do in this one
was make the best
loo-roll-paper aeroplane.Copy !req
562. 'They had five minutes
and one attempt.
Furthest flight wins. Here we go.Copy !req
563. 'I can't make a paper aeroplane
using normal paper.
I can't hear you.Copy !req
564. Are you ready? Yep.Copy !req
565. There we go.Copy !req
566. 'Well, I would say that
it's certainly not guaranteed
after that effort.Copy !req
567. Next up, Rhod Gilbert.Copy !req
568. Make a paper aeroplane
using only toilet paper.Copy !req
569. Oh. Oh, dear. So James achieved
a flight of 3.9m. Not bad.Copy !req
570. But Rhod achieved a flight of 22.7m.Copy !req
571. There you go. Very good.Copy !req
572. 'Well done to tonight's champion,
Rhod Gilbert!Copy !req
573. 'Please meander to the stage
and collect your confusing items!Copy !req
574. So, what have we learned today?Copy !req
575. We've learned that everything
could be a construct.Copy !req
576. Maybe none of this is real. Is it
a television show? Is it reality?Copy !req
577. Whoa! Yep! It's real! It's real!Copy !req
578. 'And in case
you've already forgotten,
Rhod is tonight's worthy winner.Copy !req
579. Let's award him with applauseCopy !req
580. and then ignore each other
until next time.Copy !req
581. Have a lovely night. Night-night!Copy !req