1. Ah!Copy !req
2. Whoo!Copy !req
3. HORN BLARES
No!Copy !req
4. Hello!Copy !req
5. Thank you.
Thank you for the clapping.Copy !req
6. You know the drill.
It's Taskmaster. I'm Greg Davies.Copy !req
7. 'Some funny folk have completed
some tasks and I'm going to judge
them on their efforts.Copy !req
8. 'Jesus Christ,
can we just get on with it?Copy !req
9. Your five combating contenders
are...Copy !req
10. James Acaster!Copy !req
11. Jessica Knappett!Copy !req
12. Kerry Godliman!Copy !req
13. Phil Wang!Copy !req
14. And Rhod Gilbert!Copy !req
15. And here, standing just shy
of five feet tall,Copy !req
16. it's my sufficient assistant,
ooh, it's...Copy !req
17. .. little Alex Horne!Copy !req
18. So... Yes, I've written a poem.
Ooh!Copy !req
19. I've passed my driving test.
I've seen a foreign film.Copy !req
20. 'I've used talcum powder.
This is your big moment.
You know that, don't you?Copy !req
21. I'm reading my CV. I've met...Copy !req
22. I've met two jockeys. Now...Copy !req
23. 'I'll tell you why this irritates me,
cos it looks like
we've planned this. We haven't.Copy !req
24. 'Alex gets these few moments to say
whatever he wants, and this is what
he's chosen to say. Rhod, please.Copy !req
25. 'It doesn't look like
you planned this.Copy !req
26. I think we need to get on
with the show, Alex. OK.Copy !req
27. 'We're gonna start with a prize
task. And today's category is to
bring in the most confusingthing.Copy !req
28. Mm. You, Lord Davies, will judge
whose thing is the most confusing.Copy !req
29. 'The one with
the most confusing thing will
max out on points for this section.Copy !req
30. 'At the end of the episode,
the winner will take home loads
of things to get all befuddledby.Copy !req
31. That's how it works. Yeah.Copy !req
32. 'Thanks, little man. Right.
Jessica Knappett,
what is your confusing thing?Copy !req
33. T-shirts.Copy !req
34. Five points. That's a great start.
Let's end it there.Copy !req
35. Specifics?Copy !req
36. I think when you buy a T-shirt,
wear a T-shirt,Copy !req
37. you should know why you're wearing
it and at least what it says.Copy !req
38. I understand so far.
What have you brought in?Copy !req
39. I've brought in a T-shirt that I
bought in a small village in Spain.Copy !req
40. I've been trying to figure out
what they meant.Copy !req
41. There comes the raven?
I don't get it.Copy !req
42. Here comes the raven?
Here comes the raven. But so what?Copy !req
43. 'IUF can stand for
International Union of Food
or Immune Uterine Fluid,Copy !req
44. which can attract,
that can attract ravens.Copy !req
45. That's cleared it up.
Wow! OK. Move on.Copy !req
46. I'll show you how confused I am.Copy !req
47. 'James Acaster, what did you bring in
that's confusing,
and why will it confuse me?Copy !req
48. A DVD of The Matrix.Copy !req
49. 'Everyone who you spoke to
about The Matrix has gone, "I can't
wrap my head around it, man.Copy !req
50. Try and watch The Matrix, man."Copy !req
51. 'I...
Who are these people?Copy !req
52. My parents.Copy !req
53. 'But it's a thing, right? It's like
saying, "This isn't reality.
There's a different reality.Copy !req
54. And you're plugged into the matrix.
And you're a machine.Copy !req
55. Or are you? You're not a machine.
You're imagining stuff."Copy !req
56. And people don't know
what The Matrix is about.Copy !req
57. 'Well, I haven't seen The Matrix,
but from what you've just said...
Yeah?Copy !req
58. '..my understanding is the people
in the matrix think they're existing
in one reality. Yes.Copy !req
59. But, in fact, it turns out
they're plugged into machinesCopy !req
60. and they're experiencing
an entirely different reality.Copy !req
61. 'Great. Can you go back to the
beginning? I didn't get that.Copy !req
62. 'Do you wanna move on to Kerry?
Jesus Christ, yes!Copy !req
63. Kerry, what have you brought in
that's confused you?Copy !req
64. I have brought in the wires
round the back of my telly.Copy !req
65. Ha-ha-ha! Yes!Copy !req
66. Confusing.Copy !req
67. 'And what's really sad is
I bought that Wii U for my son
over a year ago.Copy !req
68. 'He hasn't been able to play it for
six months cos I can't plug it in.Copy !req
69. 'I sometimes just don't watch films,
like The Matrix, cos I can't
be fucked to plug it in.Copy !req
70. 'I can't cope with that.
I'm going to write that quote down.
"Can't be fucked to plug it in."Copy !req
71. '"Godliman sums things up again.
Bosh! Can't be fucked!" Bosh!Copy !req
72. 'Rhodri, what's the confusing thing
you've brought in,
and why did it confuse you?Copy !req
73. 'Well,
my story relates to an incident
where I went to a T-shirt shopCopy !req
74. and they got inexplicably confused
at my simple request.Copy !req
75. 'OK. My simple request was,
"Can you put my favourite picture
onto a T-shirt?" Yeah?Copy !req
76. And then they did this.Copy !req
77. I don't know if we can see
the original pictures. Oh, I wonder.Copy !req
78. It's confusing how you're getting
away with using this picture.Copy !req
79. And still they laugh. You prick!Copy !req
80. Strap in! There's six more episodes!Copy !req
81. 'I'm very confused as to why you're
so obsessed with a semi-naked me.
Er, Phil?Copy !req
82. My confusing thing
is a confusing little box.Copy !req
83. Do you wanna see a picture?
Yes, please. OK. Here's a picture.Copy !req
84. It's a confusing little box
that you can't open, but you can.Copy !req
85. But you can't open it. But you can
open it. It's a mysterious boxCopy !req
86. I bought in Thailand
from a mysterious man.Copy !req
87. And I haggled. I haggled.Copy !req
88. I haggled for this box.
OK. How did the haggling process go?Copy !req
89. He said, "300 baht." Yeah?
And I said, "150."Copy !req
90. 'And then he said, "300."
And then I said, "200."Copy !req
91. And then he said, "300."Copy !req
92. So I paid 300 baht.Copy !req
93. And it's been absolutely worth it.
Do you think you can open it?Copy !req
94. I can't open that picture.
No. You can open that box. Oh!Copy !req
95. 'Do you wanna give it a go?
It's a confusing little box. This
is gonna be good old telly, innit?Copy !req
96. Oh, just open the box, you pussy!Copy !req
97. I don't know where that came from.
I don't know where that came from.Copy !req
98. 'CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I don't know where that came from.
I don't know where that came from.Copy !req
99. I don't know where that came from.
I just got impatient.Copy !req
100. Are you upset with me?
I'm sorry. I got... I thought...Copy !req
101. 'No, no, no, it's alright. In my
head, I thought it was in my head.Copy !req
102. 'Oh, my God! I've just taken charge
of the box. If I'd been there
for 20 minutes or so,Copy !req
103. 'I could understand you getting
irritated, but I still wouldn't
expect that sort of language.Copy !req
104. 'You apologise
and we'll leave it there.
I'm very sorry. That's alright.Copy !req
105. There you go. Do you wanna try
and open it? There you go.Copy !req
106. Ohhh!Copy !req
107. It is open. It is open.Copy !req
108. Are you alright, Phil?
You don't even care.Copy !req
109. 'That's 300 baht
I'm never getting back.Copy !req
110. 'It's frustrating, isn't it, Greg,
when you're asked to complete tasks
under pressureCopy !req
111. 'and there's
a lot of people watching?Copy !req
112. 'Do you wanna judge them? I hope
that round of applause was worth
the three points you've just lost.Copy !req
113. I'm sorry, James.Copy !req
114. 'And this isn't because you called me
a pussy. Or is it?
Who knows what reality is any more?Copy !req
115. It's just a film. I got it
within your description. One point.Copy !req
116. One point to James. Yeah. Fair play.Copy !req
117. Kerry, just a bunch of wires.
Bosh! Two points.Copy !req
118. OK. Two to Kerry. Three. And you're
lucky to be getting these.Copy !req
119. 'Why you are so obsessed with me,
you freak? Three points.Copy !req
120. 'I'm gonna give Phil four points,
because that T-shirt is still
wrecking with my head.Copy !req
121. Five points to Jess. Well done.Copy !req
122. OK. Time for a task
to be projected onto the big screen.Copy !req
123. 'Please, Alex.
OK. In that case, I'm gonna
flick the switch and off we go.Copy !req
124. Hello. Ah!Copy !req
125. Where is he?Copy !req
126. Oh, no!Copy !req
127. Work out what happens
when you flick this switch on.Copy !req
128. You may not take the switch
out of this room.Copy !req
129. Your time starts now.
SWITCH CLICKSCopy !req
130. 'There's a live wire there and
a neutral wire there, coming over
there. There's gaffer tapeto there.Copy !req
131. Oh, so I'm allowed to flick it.Copy !req
132. I hated that one.Copy !req
133. Pretty straightforward. Let's crack
on, Alex. Crack straight on? Yeah.Copy !req
134. 'OK. We're gonna start with three
contestants who didn't enjoy this
task. It's two girls, one Wang.Copy !req
135. 'Ready?
Here we go.Copy !req
136. It says "Off." On.
Let's have a look, shall we?Copy !req
137. I wonder if there's just a light.Copy !req
138. SWITCH CLICKS
No!Copy !req
139. 'There's a tap that's been left on.
I'd be very impressed
if you've managed to...Copy !req
140. No.Copy !req
141. That fan's going.
SWITCH CLICKSCopy !req
142. Oh!Copy !req
143. This is hard.Copy !req
144. VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRSCopy !req
145. A-ha!
A floodlight. I didn't see you.Copy !req
146. Hello, Kerry.
Right. Keep an eye on that, then.Copy !req
147. Oh, come on!Copy !req
148. Is it these lamps?Copy !req
149. Come on!Copy !req
150. All the lights are on.Copy !req
151. Ah!Copy !req
152. Ah! It's still on!Copy !req
153. No.Copy !req
154. Turning it off.Copy !req
155. Now... No!Copy !req
156. It's not the sprinkler, cos I turned
it off and it's still going.Copy !req
157. On it goes again. No.Copy !req
158. Off. We want it off.Copy !req
159. Oh!Copy !req
160. This is stressing me out, this one!Copy !req
161. Yeah! No, it's not them.Copy !req
162. Hi, Phil.Copy !req
163. That's facing the other way.Copy !req
164. He's moved. He was facing
the other way, wasn't he?Copy !req
165. Oh, my God! That's turned round.Copy !req
166. Well, it's off now.Copy !req
167. It's him! It's him! Ollie? Yeah.Copy !req
168. A-ha! I've got it! Ollie turns
around. I'll stop the clock.Copy !req
169. Did you enjoy that one? No! No.Copy !req
170. That was against the clock, right?
Fastest wins.Copy !req
171. 'Ah! Do you think there was
any way you could have been
more efficient during that task?Copy !req
172. Yeah, you could have gone out
with a checklist.Copy !req
173. 'I mean, the most efficient thing to
do would have gone outside and gone,
"It's a statue."Copy !req
174. 'Hindsight. Hindsight is a fine
thing. A wonderful thing, yeah.
A better thing to doCopy !req
175. would have gone out with
a checklist. Checklist. Yeah.Copy !req
176. 'What, gone out, said, "That's on.
That's on. That's on. That's on."
Then go back in...Copy !req
177. 'It may be that I've started this
tone by smashing that little box,
but you seem quite cross.Copy !req
178. I'll be honest. That was the one I
hated the most. This one? Yeah. Why?Copy !req
179. 'It made me very cross.
It wore me out. It stressed me out.
It hurt my head.Copy !req
180. 'LAUGHTER
You were the quickest
of these three. Feel better now?Copy !req
181. Maybe.Copy !req
182. Phil took 10 minutes 50 seconds.
Jesus Christ! 10 minutes 50.Copy !req
183. Kerry, 9.26. Sorry.Copy !req
184. And Jess, 11.49. So it is a similar
ballpark, all of them. Good.Copy !req
185. 'That's the end of part one, friends.
If you're stuck for what to spend
all of your money on,Copy !req
186. 'then stay tuned for the next three
minutes, then come back to us,
please, I need you.Copy !req
187. 'CHEERING AND APPLAUSECopy !req
188. Hello! Thank you.Copy !req
189. You've just walked in on Taskmaster,
but don't worry, we're not shy.Copy !req
190. Before the break, there was
a tricky little task going on.Copy !req
191. 'You're right. They've been trying
to work out what a switch
in the lab controls. OK?Copy !req
192. 'Next we're gonna see a little old
man. It's Rhod Gilbert.Copy !req
193. So that... But that goes there.Copy !req
194. 'What's that? Is that just something,
like, is that connected to the task,
or is it something...Copy !req
195. There's another plug there.Copy !req
196. 'Well, I'll tell you what, I'll flick
that switch off, then nothing will
happen when I flick that switch.Copy !req
197. 'LAUGHTER
Nothing happens when you flick
that switch. Stop the clock.Copy !req
198. 'That's my final answer.
Nothing happens.
No, maybe it's not my final answer.Copy !req
199. Nothing happens. I mean...Copy !req
200. Unless it's something that happens
somewhere else.Copy !req
201. 'LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I wish that prick was electrocuted
in the studio if I flicked that.Copy !req
202. Take that, you fizzy fuck now,
aren't you?Copy !req
203. Fizzing in that chair.Copy !req
204. Fizzing on your concrete
power commode. Take that.Copy !req
205. I hope those teeth fall out of your
head. It shouldn't take much.Copy !req
206. Hopefully the answer is
you flick the switchCopy !req
207. 'and Greg gets electrocuted and those
rotten pistachios he calls teeth
just all just rattle aboutCopy !req
208. and fall out of his head.
That's my final answer.Copy !req
209. I must've done something to you
around 2009,Copy !req
210. because the vast majority
of your responsesCopy !req
211. are about my rotten teeth.Copy !req
212. 'LAUGHTER
Which I had fixed
some eight years ago.Copy !req
213. 'He was the quickest.
He was the quickest. We stopped
the clock at 3 minutes 37.Copy !req
214. 'Thank you very much.
But I'm not sure he got it right.
No. Whoa! He didn't get it!Copy !req
215. 'Yeah, I did.
Once I'd clicked the main switch,
that switch didn't do anything.Copy !req
216. 'No. If you'd left it...
We all established...
Ba-ba-ba-ba! Ba-ba-ba-ba!Copy !req
217. Ba-ba-ba! Ba-ba-ba!Copy !req
218. Now, we're moving on to the last
contestant. It's James Acaster.Copy !req
219. A really annoying place
for the switch to be.Copy !req
220. Fucking hell!Copy !req
221. Fan.Copy !req
222. Hello, Alex. Hello, James.
It's a good one. Thank you.Copy !req
223. OK.Copy !req
224. A-ha!Copy !req
225. It operates you, the switch does.Copy !req
226. Pleased with yourself?Copy !req
227. I feel very pleased.Copy !req
228. But was that chance? It was chance.
He just caught you.Copy !req
229. 'He checked everything, the whole
area in one go, rather...
I'll tell you what it was, Kerry.Copy !req
230. It was urgency.Copy !req
231. The man appreciated he was against
the clock and he moved with speed.Copy !req
232. I was legging it! He didn't wander
round going, "It's not the tap.Copy !req
233. I'll mosey back to the switch."
I was not wandering.Copy !req
234. 'I was running. We were all running!
No, Kerry, you were...Copy !req
235. Watch it back! Watch it back!
I was running!Copy !req
236. 'You may have done one run.
You were largely sauntering.Copy !req
237. 'And then you went all Phil Mitchell
again, when asked a perfectly...
"Did you enjoy that, Kerry?"Copy !req
238. "No, I fucking didn't!"Copy !req
239. 'How long did James take, then?
Well, Jess took 11 something.
Phil, 10 something.Copy !req
240. You, 9 something. James, 5.35.Copy !req
241. It's pretty quick. Ooh!Copy !req
242. 'Let's give some points out,
shall we? Well, I guess you're
doing it for speed. Of course.Copy !req
243. 'I mean, we all know
James Acaster gets five points
for winning the task. Boom!Copy !req
244. 'It then goes four to Kerry,
three to Phil, two to Jessica.
But what happens with Rhod?Copy !req
245. 'Go on, give him a point.
OK. One point. One point. OK.Copy !req
246. Alex, can we have a look
at a score board, please? OK.Copy !req
247. There are joint leaders.
Phil and Jess have seven points.Copy !req
248. Do you have a nice
uplifting task for us?Copy !req
249. Well, I've got a nice down-lifting
task for you. Is that alright?Copy !req
250. I guess so. Mm!Copy !req
251. Ah! Hello!Copy !req
252. Hello. Hello, Jess.Copy !req
253. I'm just taking in my surroundings.
Ooh!Copy !req
254. Hello, James. Ooh, don't touch that.Copy !req
255. Well, you can if you want,
I suppose.Copy !req
256. Dramatically alter your appearance.Copy !req
257. Most dramatic alteration wins.Copy !req
258. 'You may start
altering your appearance
when you are inside the lift...Copy !req
259. And the doors are closed.
I don't like lifts.Copy !req
260. 'You must stop
altering your appearance
when the doors... open again.Copy !req
261. That's a good way of timing it.
A fair way.Copy !req
262. That's, like... 18 seconds.Copy !req
263. You may inspect
the contents of the briefcase...Copy !req
264. For five minutes before the lift
doors open for the first time.Copy !req
265. Start the clock!Copy !req
266. OK.Copy !req
267. Oh!Copy !req
268. OK, great. Cotton wool pleat.Copy !req
269. I like that.
Love it. Love it. Love it. Felt.Copy !req
270. Jam. Oh, God.Copy !req
271. No. Wig. No. Wig.Copy !req
272. So many things. Moustache?Copy !req
273. Breasts.Copy !req
274. Mustard? I'm no make-up artist.Copy !req
275. Oh! I can't imagine
it's gonna involve mustard.Copy !req
276. How much time do I have? You've got
two minutes and 20 seconds. Agh!Copy !req
277. I've got a sheer panic on.
I can't think what to do.Copy !req
278. 'Can I take your coat?
Your jacket, please, Alex. I'm gonna
call the lift in ten seconds. Ah!Copy !req
279. Ooh!
LIFT BELL DINGSCopy !req
280. Good luck, Kerry. I'm really scared!Copy !req
281. 'Words are key
in some of these tasks. And I think
the key word here is dramatically.Copy !req
282. To dramatically
alter the appearance. Yes.Copy !req
283. 'I'll give you an example, shall I?
This is Alex's normal face.
And now...Copy !req
284. ..a dramatic face!Copy !req
285. Fucking hell!Copy !req
286. 'Let's see how dramatically our lift
chums altered their appearance.
OK. They had 18 seconds in the lift.Copy !req
287. 'We're gonna see each
of their attempts individually.
Up first, it's Jessie K,Copy !req
288. 'who has already proven herself
quite the quick-change artist
in episode one,Copy !req
289. which is available on catch-up
on UKTV Play.Copy !req
290. Here she is!Copy !req
291. Please press G. Yeah.
Good luck. Bye.Copy !req
292. LIFT WHIRRSCopy !req
293. LIFT BELL DINGSCopy !req
294. I can't move cos it'll fall off.
What will fall off?Copy !req
295. Oh, I like your shirt and tie.Copy !req
296. Unrecognisable.Copy !req
297. Yeah. There we go.Copy !req
298. Shirt and tie.Copy !req
299. Ah, Mr Bond.Copy !req
300. Pretty dramatic, right? Well,
I mean, incredible. High drama.Copy !req
301. 'I actually thought,
when the beard fell away, that was
when the outfit really kicked in.Copy !req
302. 'Because you'd gone to the trouble
of making a tie. Yeah, out of felt.Copy !req
303. Felt on paper, that was. Felt on
paper. Did you make that pre-lift?Copy !req
304. 'Yeah, pre-lift. Pre-lift?
That's part of the prep.
Five minutes prep time.Copy !req
305. Can I also just say,
I have a genuine phobia of lifts.Copy !req
306. 'Do you think it was that big a deal
if you overcame it in five minutes?Copy !req
307. It was 18 seconds.Copy !req
308. I knew that it was only
gonna be 18 seconds,Copy !req
309. 'and I knew that they'd get me out
because they had to
because I'm on telly. Yeah.Copy !req
310. Just like that! Bam! It's the end of
part two! Bam! Just like that! Bam!Copy !req
311. 'CHEERING AND APPLAUSECopy !req
312. 'Thanks, thanks,
and an extra side portion of thanks.
It's Taskmaster part threeCopy !req
313. 'and five comedians are vying
for Kerry Godliman's HDMI cable.Copy !req
314. Which task are we in the thick of,
little Alex Horne?Copy !req
315. We are doing one that's really
elevated the series, Greg.Copy !req
316. Yes. Aww! God. Heartbreaking.Copy !req
317. 'I'm so sorry.
They're trying to alter their
appearance as much as possibleCopy !req
318. 'within the 18 seconds
it takes the lift to go
from upstairs to downstairs.Copy !req
319. They had five minutes to prepare
and a case full of props.Copy !req
320. We're gonna see what's going down
with Phil Wang.Copy !req
321. Please press G.Copy !req
322. LIFT BELL DINGSCopy !req
323. Who are you?Copy !req
324. OK.Copy !req
325. Er, pleased?Copy !req
326. Yeah. Couldn't look much different.Copy !req
327. Also, you'll notice that when I went
in, I wasn't holding a jar of jam.Copy !req
328. 'I mean, that's one of the things
I want to discuss
more than anything else, really,Copy !req
329. is how you think that holding
a pot of jam alters your appearance.Copy !req
330. Mm. So, I go from...Copy !req
331. I go from appearing not to have
any jam, to appearing as I do.Copy !req
332. I'm backing you up here, Wang.
Thank you.Copy !req
333. 'He didn't have jam when he went in.
He had jam when he came out.Copy !req
334. The bigger problem for me,
I thought, was that it was,Copy !req
335. 'there's one thing about you,
across this whole series,
that is unmistakably you.Copy !req
336. 'Never any doubt. Whereas if you
had just held the jam there...Copy !req
337. .. thus completely transforming
your identity. Yeah.Copy !req
338. 'Do you wanna see what Rhod did?
Let's hope that what Rhod did
isn't more ridiculousCopy !req
339. than just holding a jar of jam.Copy !req
340. OK. This is what Rhod did. Let's go.Copy !req
341. Get in the lift and press G.Copy !req
342. Press G? Yes, please. Good luck.Copy !req
343. LIFT BELL DINGSCopy !req
344. 'Does it hurt? Oh, the mustard
in my eyes is agony.Copy !req
345. 'I'm really thinking now
I should've used mayonnaise.Copy !req
346. 'That's how dramatically I altered
my appearance. I went to the ladies'
toilets immediately after that.Copy !req
347. 'I knew your clothes were coming off,
so that was no surprise to me.
But there was absolutely no needCopy !req
348. to rub mustard into your face.Copy !req
349. 'Also, that was a wig. He chose a wig
which looked exactly like his hair.
But it was a wig.Copy !req
350. 'I didn't even know
you were wearing a wig.Copy !req
351. I thought you took your clothes off
and smeared mustard over your face.Copy !req
352. That is the sign of a good wig.Copy !req
353. Who's next?
What will Kerry Godliman do?Copy !req
354. 'Let's see Kerry Godliman's attempt
to find out the answer
to the questionCopy !req
355. about what Kerry Godliman will do.
Here we go.Copy !req
356. What do I press? G.Copy !req
357. You did say that. Sorry.Copy !req
358. One.Copy !req
359. Two.Copy !req
360. Three.Copy !req
361. Four.Copy !req
362. Five.Copy !req
363. Six.Copy !req
364. Seven.Copy !req
365. Eight.Copy !req
366. Nine.Copy !req
367. 'Ten.
LIFT BELL DINGS
No! I'm not ready!Copy !req
368. That wasn't 20 seconds. Would you
mind stepping out of the lift?Copy !req
369. That wasn't 20 seconds.Copy !req
370. There was so much more
that was gonna happen.Copy !req
371. 'It's a good look. No, because I was
gonna do the knees on the shoes
and I was gonna wear theshades.Copy !req
372. Thank you, Kerry. OK.Copy !req
373. 'I was so excited about that one.
Yeah. So, who was your final
character going to be?Copy !req
374. I was just meant to be
dramatically... Are you trying to...Copy !req
375. I know where he's going.
Where are we going with this?Copy !req
376. 'I'm just wondering what you thought
your final character, who you
thought your final character...Copy !req
377. 'The task wasn't to become
a character. The task was just to
dramatically change. No, I know!Copy !req
378. 'What is your problem with this?
I haven't got a problem.
I'm just asking...Copy !req
379. 'Imagine if you were a foot shorter,
how dramatically different...
You'd be nothing.Copy !req
380. 'Also,
I did look dramatically different,
more so than these two. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
381. 'So as long as we're not the same.
No, you did not...
I was just backing you up!Copy !req
382. 'No. Have you learned nothing?
All you did was shove a bloody
Brillo pad on your tits.Copy !req
383. 'That's not what I did.
That's not what I did.Copy !req
384. 'I was sticking up for you.
You need to learn not to help people
cos we always stab you in the back.Copy !req
385. You do, all of you!Copy !req
386. 'I would like to point out
that when Rhod accused you of
putting a Brillo pad on your tits,Copy !req
387. James Acaster went like this.Copy !req
388. 'That was mainly
cos of the word "tits."Copy !req
389. OK. The last person
is James Acaster. Here we go.Copy !req
390. ALARM RINGSCopy !req
391. Oh, no! No!Copy !req
392. No! No! No!
LIFT BELL DINGSCopy !req
393. No! No! No!Copy !req
394. Please step out of the lift.Copy !req
395. Oh, I'm last. I'm last in this one.
Do you think?Copy !req
396. This is what happens if you believe
what happens in films.Copy !req
397. 'Cos you pressed
the emergency button
and you just thought it would stop.Copy !req
398. Yeah. You can take your time.
Probably could override it.Copy !req
399. 'Yeah, yeah. Press that, the whole
thing would stop. An alarm went off
and you continued to travel.Copy !req
400. Points.Copy !req
401. One point, James Acaster.Copy !req
402. OK. The second least
dramatically-disguised.Copy !req
403. 'It doesn't matter how many pots
of jam someone is holding...Copy !req
404. 'This again!I will still be able
to identify them, particularly
if they've labelled themselves.Copy !req
405. Two points for Phil Wang. As not
them! And thank me for those.Copy !req
406. Purely cos she doesn't know
the concept of time,Copy !req
407. 'it's old furry norks, Kerry.
Three points. OK.Copy !req
408. So it's between Jess and Rhod.Copy !req
409. 'Now, when Jess
first stepped out of the lift,
I hadn't got a clue who it was.Copy !req
410. 'SHE GASPS
And unfortunately,
her beard fell awayCopy !req
411. and I knew it was definitely
Jessica Knappett.Copy !req
412. 'Are you joking?
I'm gonna lose to mustard face?Copy !req
413. And so, against all odds,
with five points, the winner of thisCopy !req
414. 'is old mustard face,
Mr Rhod Gilbert.Copy !req
415. Four to Jess. Five to Rod.Copy !req
416. You! Yes?
What's next? Well, thank you.Copy !req
417. This one has been weighing very
heavily on my mind. Here it is.Copy !req
418. Make these scales read 31.770kg.Copy !req
419. Kilograms.Copy !req
420. The scales must read 31.77kg...
For at least five seconds.Copy !req
421. Fastest wins.Copy !req
422. Your time starts now.
MACHINE BEEPSCopy !req
423. OK. I've broken it.Copy !req
424. 'What's that?
It means you're too heavy. I can't
be too heavy. It's only my foot.Copy !req
425. 'MACHINE BEEPS
You're too heavy for the scales.
Shut up!Copy !req
426. Seriously? Yes.Copy !req
427. 'Are you winding me up?
How bloody rude!Copy !req
428. They had to make the scales
weigh exactly 31.770kg.Copy !req
429. 'Yeah.
They all tried to do it initially
by putting their body on it and...Copy !req
430. 'And? It's a butcher's scale,
it's very sensitive.
You'd have to lop a body part off.Copy !req
431. 'LAUGHTER
OK. First up to the scales,
it's Phil Wang.Copy !req
432. What?Copy !req
433. How much is 37?Copy !req
434. WATER SLOSHESCopy !req
435. MACHINE BEEPS
Oh, shit!Copy !req
436. Hot damn! We're in business. OK.Copy !req
437. Congratulations.Copy !req
438. I've stopped the clock.
Great. Can I get a selfie?Copy !req
439. CAMERA CLICKSCopy !req
440. 'That is the most delightfully nerdy
response to a task we've ever had.Copy !req
441. 'Selfie. It looked like an audition
for The Big Bang Theory.Copy !req
442. 'He nailed it. I mean, the bucket,
it was only 345g over
when he first put it on,Copy !req
443. 'which is about the weight of
a hamster in or on a baseball.Copy !req
444. What I would say was it wasn't
as quick as we made it look.Copy !req
445. It took him six minutes
to fill and then drag the bucket.Copy !req
446. 'But the benchmark
is 8 minutes 28 seconds.
That's what he achieved. OK?Copy !req
447. 'I forgot there was a time element.
Right. Just one part to go, with
the studio task to be completedCopy !req
448. and confusing things to be won.
See you right back here soon.Copy !req
449. Hello. Welcome to the final part
of this Taskmaster instalment.Copy !req
450. Yes. And I'm called Alex.Copy !req
451. Before the break, they were trying
to make an industrial set of scalesCopy !req
452. display 31.770kg exactly.Copy !req
453. 'Do you wanna see the two parents
have a go? Yes, I do.
OK, here are Kerry and Jess.Copy !req
454. 'I haven't really
thought this through. Oh, sorry!Copy !req
455. Right.Copy !req
456. Oh, it's gonna take ages.Copy !req
457. 'LAUGHTER
One? Am I allowed
to go out and come back in?Copy !req
458. Or do I have to do it all here? All
the information's on the task, Jess.Copy !req
459. 'SHE SIGHS
Can I have everybody's shoes,
please?Copy !req
460. I'm gonna need 31 pairs of shoes
at this rate.Copy !req
461. 'Why did I do that?
There are no windows open in here.
It absolutely stinks.Copy !req
462. 'SHE SIGHS
I could get some heavy stuff.
I could get some heavy stuff.Copy !req
463. That's the key, isn't it? Heavy
stuff? But not as heavy as me.Copy !req
464. I don't understand what to do.Copy !req
465. Why have you only used shoes?Copy !req
466. Does it say
you have to stay in this room?Copy !req
467. Oh, you made out like I did!Copy !req
468. I said all the information's
on the task.Copy !req
469. You're kidding me!Copy !req
470. This isn't practical.
I should've just gone with bricks.Copy !req
471. Oh!Copy !req
472. Oh, my God!
It absolutely stinks in here.Copy !req
473. Right, now we're really close,
aren't we?Copy !req
474. How much does water weigh?Copy !req
475. Oh! Oh!Copy !req
476. Oh, no! It's alright.Copy !req
477. One. Two. Three. Four.Copy !req
478. I've stopped the clock.
It took a while, didn't it?Copy !req
479. Yes!Copy !req
480. What? Oh, it's gotta be
five seconds. One.Copy !req
481. Two. Three.Copy !req
482. Four. Five. I've stopped the clock.Copy !req
483. 'It's often that quotes get thrown up
that I think may or may not
haunt contestants.Copy !req
484. 'I mean, I thought, "I could use
heavy stuff, but not as heavy as
me," was mildly embarrassing,Copy !req
485. 'but it was hugely eclipsed by,
"How much does water weigh?"
How much does water weigh?Copy !req
486. 'She ended up with a time
of 1 second and 16 minutes. What?Copy !req
487. 'Not awful.
Your approach looked a bit like
the back of your telly to me.Copy !req
488. Just absolute carnage.Copy !req
489. Kerry, as well. We know that
Phil got 8 minutes 28.Copy !req
490. Kerry, 8 minutes and 13 seconds.
Oh! Oh! Not so shit, then.Copy !req
491. I always knew it was alright.Copy !req
492. Thanks.
Yeah. Rhod and James are next up.Copy !req
493. There's gotta be an easier way
of this, I reckon.Copy !req
494. Will that do? 31.6?
No, that won't do.Copy !req
495. It needs to be 31.770. Jesus!Copy !req
496. You must be a butcher's nightmare.Copy !req
497. Why that number?Copy !req
498. Huh?Copy !req
499. Do you not like that number?Copy !req
500. Well, it's just a very specific
number, isn't it? Yes, it is.Copy !req
501. 0.065g.Copy !req
502. HE SPITSCopy !req
503. It's not gone up at all.
HE SNORTSCopy !req
504. Oh, no!Copy !req
505. HE SPITSCopy !req
506. Oh! Easy.Copy !req
507. Thank you, James. Thank you.Copy !req
508. More balloons than spit, eh?Copy !req
509. 'The problem was, you slightly
misread the scales. You thought
you needed 0.065 more grams,Copy !req
510. but you needed 65g... What?
.. worth of spit.Copy !req
511. When you started spitting,
you actually needed 65g.Copy !req
512. That's a tennis ball.
That's a tennis ball-worth of spit.Copy !req
513. I did it. Eventually.Copy !req
514. Rhod, 7 minutes 7.
James, 5 minutes and 44 seconds.Copy !req
515. Wins the task. Yep.Copy !req
516. Just to run it down, it goes James
with five points, Rhod with four,Copy !req
517. Kerry with three, Phil with two, and
Jess, who took ages, one point. OK?Copy !req
518. Bad luck. Bad luck.Copy !req
519. 'James, your enquiring mind
kept demanding what's
the significance of the weight,Copy !req
520. and I know Alex is keen
to tell everyone, aren't you?Copy !req
521. 'Have you worked out the significance
of the weight? Ollie.
It says Ollie upside down. Oh!Copy !req
522. Ollie!Copy !req
523. 'Score board?
Yes, I'll give you a score board.
Well, the series scores are...Copy !req
524. 'not as close as we would have hoped,
but we've got James in last place
with 57.Copy !req
525. Then Phil with 58. We move into
the 60s. 63 to Rhod. 64 to Jess.Copy !req
526. Bosh! She's still there with 72.
Kerry's in the lead so far.Copy !req
527. Oh, man! Yeah.Copy !req
528. However, what I can tell you
is that this episode is tight.Copy !req
529. 'There are just two points
separating all five of them.
Rhod's in the lead. Phil's on 11.Copy !req
530. 'And there are three people
in joint second.
So it really is all to play for.Copy !req
531. 'APPLAUSE
In that case, it's time for you all
to vacate your chairsCopy !req
532. and make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!Copy !req
533. 'Who's going to read the task out?
James Acaster
is gonna read the task out.Copy !req
534. Oh! They've got handcuffs on.Copy !req
535. Oh, no! Oh, no. Do you want me
to hold it for you? Yes, please.Copy !req
536. Alex. Alex. Thank you.Copy !req
537. Correctly don
the most items of clothing.Copy !req
538. You have 100 seconds. Most new items
of clothing correctly donned wins.Copy !req
539. OK. Blow your whistle,
let's get donning.Copy !req
540. '100 seconds, starting now.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Good luck.Copy !req
541. Round the back.Copy !req
542. Sunglasses on.Copy !req
543. How are you gonna get that on?Copy !req
544. That won't go. That will not go.Copy !req
545. Oh, yes, it will. No, it won't.Copy !req
546. It's on!Copy !req
547. Good. You've got one minute left.
One minute left.Copy !req
548. One item to go here. One item to go.Copy !req
549. Really nice!Copy !req
550. Really nice!Copy !req
551. 35 seconds! I'll put my hat on you,
you put your hat on me. Yeah.Copy !req
552. Ohh!
Oh, that's gone. That's gone.Copy !req
553. Have you finished, Phil?
Have you finished? Not yet.Copy !req
554. It's the final 20 seconds. Come on!Copy !req
555. Five, four, three, two,Copy !req
556. one.
WHISTLE BLOWSCopy !req
557. Come down here. Let's see how that
affects the final scores. Alright.Copy !req
558. We've looked at the footage. Yes.Copy !req
559. We have only counted up the items
that were donned correctly. OK. OK.Copy !req
560. Phil is last. He gets one point.
OK. Jess, Kerry and RodCopy !req
561. all donned four items correctly.
Ooh!Copy !req
562. They all get four points. Whoa!Copy !req
563. 'James Acaster donned five items
correctly. He gets five points
and wins the task.Copy !req
564. 'That is going to make
a pretty dramatic difference
to the score board.Copy !req
565. I enjoyed that. Thank you.Copy !req
566. It does. It means the final
score board looks like this.Copy !req
567. It's a tie-break! Oh! Oh, wow!Copy !req
568. No!Copy !req
569. How are we gonna find our winner?Copy !req
570. Well, there's a lovely little
extra task, of course, Greg.Copy !req
571. 'All they had to do in this one
was make the best
loo-roll-paper aeroplane.Copy !req
572. 'They had five minutes
and one attempt.
Furthest flight wins. Here we go.Copy !req
573. 'I can't make a paper aeroplane
using normal paper.
I can't hear you.Copy !req
574. Are you ready? Yep.Copy !req
575. There we go.Copy !req
576. 'Well, I would say that
it's certainly not guaranteed
after that effort.Copy !req
577. Next up, Rhod Gilbert.Copy !req
578. Make a paper aeroplane
using only toilet paper.Copy !req
579. ENGINE WHIRRSCopy !req
580. Oh. Oh, dear. So James achieved
a flight of 3.9m. Not bad.Copy !req
581. But Rhod achieved a flight of 22.7m.Copy !req
582. There you go. Very good.Copy !req
583. 'Well done to tonight's champion,
Rhod Gilbert!Copy !req
584. 'Please meander to the stage
and collect your confusing items!Copy !req
585. So, what have we learned today?Copy !req
586. We've learned that everything
could be a construct.Copy !req
587. Maybe none of this is real. Is it
a television show? Is it reality?Copy !req
588. Whoa! Yep! It's real! It's real!Copy !req
589. 'And in case
you've already forgotten,
Rhod is tonight's worthy winner.Copy !req
590. Let's award him with applauseCopy !req
591. and then ignore each other
until next time.Copy !req
592. Have a lovely night. Night-night!Copy !req