1. Hello, and welcome. You're watching
a show called TaskmasterCopy !req
2. with a man called Greg Davies.Copy !req
3. The battle for this tremendous
trophy is really raging,Copy !req
4. as we enter the third
instalment of the series.Copy !req
5. And our competitors are here to
proudly represent theirCopy !req
6. homelands, hailing from such exotic
kingdoms as Kettering,Copy !req
7. Bradford, Carmarthen, Ealing and,
of course, Stoke-on-Trent.Copy !req
8. So, let's all give a red-hot welcome
to our fearless five.Copy !req
9. James Acaster...Copy !req
10. .. Jessica Knappet...Copy !req
11. .. Kerry Godliman...Copy !req
12. .. Phil Wang...Copy !req
13. .. and Rhod Gilbert.Copy !req
14. And, here, balanced on top of a
benevolent booster seat,Copy !req
15. it's my pint-sized PA.Copy !req
16. Oooh.Copy !req
17. What's in your pocket, Alex?
Well, I've come up with a game.Copy !req
18. I wanted to contribute to the
format, so I thought if ICopy !req
19. come up with a task...Copy !req
20. .. maybe I can
affect the show more.Copy !req
21. So, erm, it's a game called
"Stone, Paperclip", OK?Copy !req
22. So, in my hand, I've either got a
stone or a paperclip.Copy !req
23. Do you want to have a game? Yeah.Copy !req
24. Ready? Yeah, OK.Copy !req
25. Stone? Yes.Copy !req
26. We'll do it again? Yep. OK.Copy !req
27. Don't look. Yep.Copy !req
28. Paper clip? Yes. Again?Copy !req
29. Paper clip. Yes, you're good
at this. Yep.Copy !req
30. Paper clip. Yes.Copy !req
31. OK.Copy !req
32. Another go? Stone. Yes, very good.Copy !req
33. It's prize task time. Beep.Copy !req
34. So, the prize category for this
specific show,Copy !req
35. is best thing from the '90s, OK.Copy !req
36. Interesting.Copy !req
37. So, Greg Davies will decide who he
thinks has brought in theCopy !req
38. best thing from the '90s, and gift
that person five Taskmaster points.Copy !req
39. At the end of the show, the winner
won't take home any of the prizes...Copy !req
40. Not.Copy !req
41. The winner will, of course,Copy !req
42. take home all five best things
from the '90s.Copy !req
43. Phil Wang, what's the best thing
you've brought in?Copy !req
44. I was born in Stoke-on-Trent,
in January 1990,Copy !req
45. so my best thing from
the '90s is...Copy !req
46. ..It's me, Phil Wang.Copy !req
47. We make it clear that the prize is
to be kept by the person whoCopy !req
48. wins, permanently.Copy !req
49. Some people might not want you for
the rest of their lives.Copy !req
50. Me, for one. That one, there.Copy !req
51. Well, it's a good thing Rhod's
not going to win.Copy !req
52. James, what have you brought
in from the '90s?Copy !req
53. So, I love the '90s. Because they
were the end of me being a toddler.Copy !req
54. My toddler years were the worst
years of my life.Copy !req
55. People used to grab me by the arms
and swing me around,Copy !req
56. so I've brought in a collage of
Goodbye To My Toddler Years.Copy !req
57. OK.Copy !req
58. Fuck off!Copy !req
59. Is there any part of you that wants
me to hold you upside down now,Copy !req
60. to make sure that you didn't have
a good time, back then?Copy !req
61. You couldn't hold me upside down.
Yes, I could.Copy !req
62. Hold him upside down!
Hold him upside down!Copy !req
63. How are you even doing this?
Yes! Yes!Copy !req
64. I loved it!Copy !req
65. That's cast a different light on
all this, hasn't it?Copy !req
66. Next, Jessica. I've brought a book
from the '90s. OK.Copy !req
67. This man changed the course of
cultural history.Copy !req
68. It's Timmy Mallett.Copy !req
69. That's one of the only books
I've ever read.Copy !req
70. I'm sure he's a perfectly nice man,Copy !req
71. but I found his televisual presence
quite unsettling in the '90s.Copy !req
72. Was it because he hosted a game show
and he punished his contestants?Copy !req
73. It is a treasured possession.
I can show you the inside cover.Copy !req
74. It was actually from 1989.Copy !req
75. Ooh.Copy !req
76. Ha-ha-ha-ha.Copy !req
77. You've instantly been disqualified.
No! Oh, that's really harsh.Copy !req
78. Oh, not wide awake!Copy !req
79. Rhod, what have you brought in from
the '90s? I don't believe it.Copy !req
80. I found this little gem,
hiding...Copy !req
81. Oh, my God.Copy !req
82. So, is that from the '90s?Copy !req
83. No, this is a photo from 2010.
Yes. Ha-ha-ha.Copy !req
84. But I have a back-up
picture.Copy !req
85. Here is a lovely picture of
Spice Girls.Copy !req
86. Kerry, tell me yours is from
the actual '90s.Copy !req
87. Mine is so firmly from the '90s.
Here it is.Copy !req
88. Friends. It's the whole boxset.
Solid.Copy !req
89. I think it defines the whole decade.
I don't mind Friends.Copy !req
90. We could sit like this,
like they sit.Copy !req
91. Like this and then like this.
Lean in, James.Copy !req
92. Yes!Copy !req
93. Solid.Copy !req
94. They're all quite shit,
the prizes, aren't they?Copy !req
95. Very. Yeah. It's a weak round.Copy !req
96. Very much so, but at least some
people are going to getCopy !req
97. points because they chose
the right decade.Copy !req
98. OK, let's get this over with.
You ready?Copy !req
99. Zero points to Jessica Knappet.Copy !req
100. He brought in a picture of you
from the Year 2000!Copy !req
101. I brought in the Spice Girls.
I haven't come to him yet. OK.Copy !req
102. One point to Phil Wang, just because
I would quite like to takeCopy !req
103. him home,
but that's a private thing.Copy !req
104. I'm going to give five points
to the only person who broughtCopy !req
105. an actual decent prize in,
and that's Kerry.Copy !req
106. Who doesn't like a boxset of
Friends?Copy !req
107. Well done, Kerry.
Well done, really happy for you.Copy !req
108. Well done, mate.Copy !req
109. I found James's genuinely touching.
Four points.Copy !req
110. Second place to James Acaster.Copy !req
111. And then there's Rhod, who did show
a picture of the Spice GirlsCopy !req
112. but, unfortunately, tainted it by
adding a picture of me from 2010.Copy !req
113. Therefore, neither image was from
the 1990s.Copy !req
114. Nil points!Copy !req
115. I think Phil's been unlucky though.
Why has Phil got..?Copy !req
116. I mean, I agree, but five,
four, one, zero, zero?Copy !req
117. Yeah, actually. All right.Copy !req
118. I'll bump you up from one point
to three points.Copy !req
119. If you can genuinely swear to me on
the lives of all those dear to you,Copy !req
120. that whoever wins the prize category
can keep you in their house.Copy !req
121. I knew what I was signing up for.Copy !req
122. Three points to Phil Wang.Copy !req
123. Good, so let's crack on. Can we have
an actual, proper task, please?Copy !req
124. OK, first task, here we go.Copy !req
125. This looks like a scene from Saw.Copy !req
126. Oh, my goodness.Copy !req
127. You're having your blood
pressure monitored. Yes.Copy !req
128. I have no medical skills. Good.Copy !req
129. Oh, my God. Excite Alex.Copy !req
130. Oh, God.Copy !req
131. Greatest increase from Alex's
current heart-rate wins.Copy !req
132. You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now.Copy !req
133. This is going to be fun, isn't it?Copy !req
134. Your time starts now.Copy !req
135. OK. I'm just going to... Just going
to think about this for a minute.Copy !req
136. Just quietly, alone, OK?Copy !req
137. So, I'm going to just...Copy !req
138. Is this task...? Has it been phrasedCopy !req
139. in a deliberately provocatively
saucy way?Copy !req
140. Don't know.Copy !req
141. Whatever you were hoping to get out
of it, Rhod delivered early doors.Copy !req
142. We're measuring my pulse,Copy !req
143. so it's the bottom number on that
machine. Right.Copy !req
144. It takes 30 seconds to read it.
Yeah.Copy !req
145. And my starting rate was somewhere
between 60 and 70 for all of them.Copy !req
146. We're going to start with the two
young dudes, Phil and James.Copy !req
147. Come with me. Where are we going?Copy !req
148. Well, if I told you it wouldn't be
exciting, would it?Copy !req
149. So, this is coffee. Black coffee.
With four cubes of sugar.Copy !req
150. It felt like five.
Five cubes of sugar.Copy !req
151. Would you drink this, please,
if you will, Alex?Copy !req
152. Where are we going, James?
Just shout out "Alex Horne".Copy !req
153. Alex Horne! Shout at these guys.Copy !req
154. Alex Horne! Come on, baby.Copy !req
155. 63, still. Right.Copy !req
156. Hmm. I actually don't think I'm
going to be able to excite you,Copy !req
157. it's quite difficult...
Wha ha! Banana!Copy !req
158. Still 63, James. OK.Copy !req
159. 67. Where we started.Copy !req
160. You're it! You're it.Copy !req
161. Oh, he's so quick!Copy !req
162. Alex!Copy !req
163. You got me! Come here, Alex!
I'm going to get you!Copy !req
164. Oh, that was close.
Oh, that was a near miss!Copy !req
165. His hat fell off.Copy !req
166. OK, so that was 61. 61.Copy !req
167. What was the compilation called?
Near Misses.Copy !req
168. Yeah, they missed every time,
didn't they? They missed every time.Copy !req
169. 151. That's good, isn't it?Copy !req
170. 151.Copy !req
171. How quickly was it between pouring
him a cup of coffee that youCopy !req
172. went for the time-served technique
of hitting a pan with a hammer?Copy !req
173. To be fair to me,Copy !req
174. I did try nearly kicking him in
the face for about five minutes.Copy !req
175. Yeah, yeah. I saw the karate stuff.Copy !req
176. But I can't comment on that,
cos all I can see is your genitalia!Copy !req
177. A lot of what you did was relaxing.
You gave me a hot drink...Copy !req
178. That's what you do to relax,
isn't it?Copy !req
179. Yeah. At one point, he reclined
my chair. That was nice.Copy !req
180. And then he showed me these clips
of a Russian dashcam.Copy !req
181. But it said Near Misses, so I knew
every time... everyone was OK.Copy !req
182. So, how quickly into the video
did you realise that no-oneCopy !req
183. was going to get hurt?
Oh, immediately. Immediately.Copy !req
184. It was the most relaxing
video I've ever seen.Copy !req
185. My heart rate dropped
by six in the...Copy !req
186. ..in the time.Copy !req
187. James, what was your thinking about
getting Alex to shout his ownCopy !req
188. name at passing traffic? I thought
about what would excite me in life.Copy !req
189. Mmm. And I would be excited to wave
at cars and shout "James Acaster".Copy !req
190. You would?Copy !req
191. What I discovered pretty quickly,
if you are trying to excite Alex,Copy !req
192. best not go down the route
of emotions.Copy !req
193. And it was better to play tig
with him in the garden and justCopy !req
194. get his heart rate up so that
he was chasing me.Copy !req
195. He's right! It's something
I've never realised about you,Copy !req
196. you're a cold fish. Yeah.
Very efficient!Copy !req
197. Well, we're glad that's over!Copy !req
198. See you in part two
for excited Horne action!Copy !req
199. Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Nice to see you all.Copy !req
200. Alex, are you looking forward to
this part of the show? Yes, I am.Copy !req
201. I am excited because the current
task is to excite Alex Horne.Copy !req
202. And I am Alex Horne.Copy !req
203. Next up, from the Valleys,
weighing in around 140 lbs,Copy !req
204. it's Rhod Gilbert.Copy !req
205. Different idea. Do you want this
off as well? Yes, please.Copy !req
206. I'm just worried that they're all
coming down. Yeah.Copy !req
207. I'm going to excite you. Right.Copy !req
208. It's quite tight, Rhod.Copy !req
209. Well, there's no point doing it
loose, is there? So, coffee.Copy !req
210. Guaranteed to get your heart rate
up. I'm going to go in this angle.Copy !req
211. OK. Are you ready? Yeah.Copy !req
212. How are you getting on?Copy !req
213. Oh! I'm sorry. That's not bad.
It's not going in my mouth. No. OK.Copy !req
214. It's in. OK.Copy !req
215. Yes, I've got a good line
of sight now.Copy !req
216. I'm going to go for a big hit now.
I'm ready.Copy !req
217. I just wanted to finish the pot, I
don't like waste. How are we doing?Copy !req
218. We're going to get the final reading
now. Get the final reading. 78.Copy !req
219. Is that your final reading?Copy !req
220. I think we've learned a lot more
about you than we have aboutCopy !req
221. me, here. I've learnt
a bit about you!Copy !req
222. Jesus Christ, what's wrong? I...Copy !req
223. With these tasks, you just panic!Copy !req
224. You just panic, it's blind panic.Copy !req
225. It didn't look like blind panic,Copy !req
226. it looked like fairly
structured torture!Copy !req
227. I'm sorry! Well, did it raise your
heart rate? By 11, yeah. Only by 11?Copy !req
228. I'll tell you, it wasn't hot,
it was lukewarm.Copy !req
229. And it was coffee and hot chocolate,
so it was basically a mocha. OK.Copy !req
230. And I do like mochas.Copy !req
231. Last to try to excite me
are the two ladies,Copy !req
232. Jessica Knappett and Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
233. What do you find exciting?Copy !req
234. It was quite exciting when my
children were born.Copy !req
235. Have you got video footage?
Your wife might not want that.Copy !req
236. No, we didn't film that one.
You're in a shark cage...Copy !req
237. You've been lowered into the water.Copy !req
238. When you open your eyes,
you're going to see a shark.Copy !req
239. Oh, no!Copy !req
240. The cage has broken! Oh.Copy !req
241. But you're... The shark's coming
into the cage, and it's eating you!Copy !req
242. I could re-enact childbirth.Copy !req
243. Not in a gynae way, but in a sort
of... we could role play.Copy !req
244. 66.Copy !req
245. It's gone up by six! Oh, we could
get out of the chair.Copy !req
246. Out, in. Up.Copy !req
247. Does it feel secure? Yes.Copy !req
248. Keep going! Keep going. Keep going!Copy !req
249. Ah!Copy !req
250. Oh, I hit the post.Copy !req
251. Are you excited? Tired.Copy !req
252. Keep going!Copy !req
253. 101! 101. Let's go! 101.Copy !req
254. Ah, that's exciting! Just give me,
give me 100 burpees. 100?Copy !req
255. I... Oh, no! Really high.Copy !req
256. 115!Copy !req
257. 157. Yeah.Copy !req
258. Are you OK? Well, no. Look.
You nearly tripled my heart rate.Copy !req
259. I think you need to go to hospital!Copy !req
260. Why did that make you dribble
when you said "Hospital"?Copy !req
261. Tackle me! Oh, that's good.Copy !req
262. I scored! That was exciting,
wasn't it?Copy !req
263. I do want to make sure it's on
record than when KerryCopy !req
264. offered to re-enact
childbirth for Alex,Copy !req
265. she followed the offer
with "Not in a gynae way."Copy !req
266. Just to be clear!Copy !req
267. There's a very iconic scene in the
film Kes where the PE teacher playsCopy !req
268. football with the kids, but really,Copy !req
269. he was wanting to show off his own
skills. Well...Copy !req
270. OK, I see what you're saying.Copy !req
271. I see what you're saying,
but football really excites him,Copy !req
272. so we played football to excite him.Copy !req
273. No, listen,
I know that was the starting point.Copy !req
274. What I'm suggesting to you
is you got carried away and youCopy !req
275. became goal hungry.Copy !req
276. There was a moment at the end
where you went, "I've scored!"Copy !req
277. And I could see it in your eyes,
it didn't matter who else was there!Copy !req
278. And that was the least scary
description of a shark attackCopy !req
279. of all time.Copy !req
280. It was... The shark tank had broken!Copy !req
281. I think it was just your voice,
Jess.Copy !req
282. I don't think you're capable
of describing something scary.Copy !req
283. Of instilling fear? Yeah.
You wanna bet? Yep!Copy !req
284. And yet,
once you started doing burpees,Copy !req
285. there was a sort of twisted sense
of pleasure came across your face.Copy !req
286. Well, it was a role reversal,
wasn't it? It was very pleasing.Copy !req
287. Give us some statistics, then.Copy !req
288. Well, Phil took me down, as we know,
so he's in last place.Copy !req
289. Rhod took me up by 11,
so he's in second last.Copy !req
290. My heart rate went up by 43
thanks to Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
291. In second place, it's James,
who took me up by 80.Copy !req
292. But Jessica took my heart rate
up by 97, so wins five points!Copy !req
293. Yes! I'm happy now.Copy !req
294. But it feels like we should have a
scoreboard update, right? Yes. Yes.Copy !req
295. It does. After two tasks,
Rhod Gilbert has two points.Copy !req
296. But there are two leaders, James
and Kerry, both on eight points!Copy !req
297. Which task is up next? OK,
have a look at this. Ready? Oooh!Copy !req
298. Ah! Hello.Copy !req
299. What's this? What do you
think it is? Hello! Hello.Copy !req
300. Task, isn't it? Yep.Copy !req
301. Hello, James. Yeah.Copy !req
302. "Make the best noise."Copy !req
303. "When you are ready to make
your noise,Copy !req
304. "you must say
"This is my best noise"."Copy !req
305. "After you have made your noise
you must remain still and silentCopy !req
306. "for at least ten seconds."Copy !req
307. "You have 20 minutes, one attempt.
Your time starts now."Copy !req
308. That wasn't me.Copy !req
309. Right. What noises do people like?Copy !req
310. Best noise, eh? Best noise. Good.
What noises do you like?Copy !req
311. The rustling of...
Do you like this?Copy !req
312. WHOOOOOO!Copy !req
313. Who's up first? We're going to start
with the outlaw, Jessie James!Copy !req
314. Jess and James, Jess and James.Copy !req
315. Whooo whoooo whooooo!Copy !req
316. I found some stuff.Copy !req
317. I'm just going to do a little
practice.Copy !req
318. No noise at all, that.
What if I filled this with water...Copy !req
319. And then hit it really hard
with something?Copy !req
320. Whaaaarrr! How am I going to make
this happen all at the same time?Copy !req
321. Why don't you talk to me at the
beginning of the tasks? What?Copy !req
322. I always say, "Hello, James."
Yeah. You never say hello back.Copy !req
323. It's not in the task, is it?Copy !req
324. The task isn't,
"Say hello to Alex."Copy !req
325. Aw!
Be nice, though.Copy !req
326. This is my best noise!Copy !req
327. Whoooo ooooh ooooh!Copy !req
328. Whoooo ooooh! Booooh!Copy !req
329. Whoooo ooooh oh!Copy !req
330. Whooooooooh!Copy !req
331. Hhhheeew! Hhhheeew! Hhhheeew!
Hhhheeew! Hhhheeew! Hhhheeew!Copy !req
332. OK. Let's just do it now.Copy !req
333. This is the best noise!Copy !req
334. Two quick questions.
Why were you wearing a hat?Copy !req
335. Why were you on a bike?Copy !req
336. Erm, the answer to that is, I don't
know, and I don't fucking know.Copy !req
337. One could argue that was a series
of noises, could one not?Copy !req
338. Yeah, it was an elongated noise.
It had components.Copy !req
339. And they were connected by...?
The same person doing them. Oh.Copy !req
340. Oh, yeah. I'm the fool(!)Copy !req
341. James. Dear, dear, dear God! Awful.Copy !req
342. In my head, that was going to
sound so incredible.Copy !req
343. I thought, this is going to be
that satisfying squelchy boing onCopy !req
344. the galoshes, the ding of a bell...
Ding of the bell!Copy !req
345. The resonance of the
acoustic guitar.Copy !req
346. And it just sounded like... I may
as well have stamped on the floor!Copy !req
347. Yeah.Copy !req
348. OK, time for a commercial break.
See ya.Copy !req
349. Hello! It's Taskmaster part three,Copy !req
350. and everyone is playing
for the chance to win Phil Wang.Copy !req
351. Including Phil Wang. What did we
hear before the break, Alex?Copy !req
352. We heard some lovely noises, Greg.Copy !req
353. We're going to see Rhod next.
You don't need to!Copy !req
354. Did Rhod have the same idea as Jess?Copy !req
355. We don't need to see all of them,
Alex.Copy !req
356. Come on, let's see
what the bell-end's done.Copy !req
357. I need some things, Alex.Copy !req
358. I need a very tall ladder and
a picture of Greg, the Taskmaster.Copy !req
359. This is my best noise.Copy !req
360. Good girl!Copy !req
361. You know I give the points out
on this show, don't you?Copy !req
362. It was to make the best noise you
can, and your instant reaction was,Copy !req
363. "Great, this is an opportunity
for me to drop dog shitCopy !req
364. "onto the face of a friend
I've had for 15 years."Copy !req
365. This is how it ends.Copy !req
366. I didn't even panic!Copy !req
367. Well, you're a very rude prick!
Alex, who's next?Copy !req
368. Last up, from Location, Location,
Location, Kirstie and Phil!Copy !req
369. Kerry and Phil! Yes, here we go.Copy !req
370. OK, then. This is my best noise.Copy !req
371. I'm going to do the best
noise from my mouth.Copy !req
372. Those are pleasing, aren't they?Copy !req
373. Fart noises always bring
a bit of pleasure.Copy !req
374. If I did an actual fart,
would that be pushing it, too...?Copy !req
375. I don't know if I could control it.Copy !req
376. Right. This is my best noise.Copy !req
377. I'm going to win this!Copy !req
378. Ah, you're definitely not!Copy !req
379. Fart noise is a classic, but I very
much enjoyed your presentation.Copy !req
380. Thank you.
It's all in the presentation.Copy !req
381. Phil. I mean, Jesus Christ.Copy !req
382. I'm sorry I didn't shit on
your face, Greg!Copy !req
383. I don't think that's the first time
you've made that noise.Copy !req
384. I make that noise every day.
It's how I wake up.Copy !req
385. So I'm sleeping...
OK, so you're fully asleep now.Copy !req
386. Oh, the sun's coming through
the curtains now.Copy !req
387. Aahhhh!Copy !req
388. Do you want to hear
the noises in isolation?Copy !req
389. I do, cos then I can judge
which is the best noise.Copy !req
390. OK, here's the first noise.Copy !req
391. Second noise.Copy !req
392. Third noise.Copy !req
393. Whooooo ooooh ooooh!Copy !req
394. Oooooh! Hhheeew!Copy !req
395. Fourth noise, Greg.Copy !req
396. And the final noise.Copy !req
397. There they all are,
the five best noises in the world.Copy !req
398. My least favourite noise...
No, no, no, no. Come on.Copy !req
399. No, no, no.Copy !req
400. My least favourite noise
was the sound of dog shitCopy !req
401. being dropped onto my face.Copy !req
402. I'm sorry, one point.
One point to Rhod. Come on! Yeah.Copy !req
403. And James Acaster, you thank
your lucky stars, young man,Copy !req
404. that you didn't drop poo on my face.
You have two points. Yes.Copy !req
405. It's a tight-run thing,
but it's Kerry with three points.Copy !req
406. Third place. Correct. Second place?Copy !req
407. I'm giving it to the person I'm
genuinely worried about, Jessica.Copy !req
408. And therefore the winner,
against all odds, is Phil Wang!Copy !req
409. Five points to Phil Wang!Copy !req
410. We have time for another one,
don't we? We do.Copy !req
411. It's a lovely little tournament
I've labelled The Task Masters.Copy !req
412. Mmm! OK?Copy !req
413. Hiya! Hello, Jess. Hello.Copy !req
414. Hello, Rhod. Hiya.Copy !req
415. Hi, James.Copy !req
416. "Get this ball
in that hole..."Copy !req
417. "..In as few strokes as possible."Copy !req
418. "The ball must only be struck..."Copy !req
419. "The ball must never be carried."Copy !req
420. "You have a maximum of 20 minutes.
Your time starts now."Copy !req
421. What hole? What hole?Copy !req
422. Where's the hole?Copy !req
423. Oh, that hole!Copy !req
424. But this is Taskmaster, of course,
so they're not just going toCopy !req
425. whack the ball, they're going
to think about it for a while.Copy !req
426. The time's not important,
it's worth saying,Copy !req
427. it's the fewest possible shots.
It's the fewest possible shots.Copy !req
428. They can take their time, set it up
however they want. However you want.Copy !req
429. We're going to see James
and Kerry first. OK?Copy !req
430. Not bad!Copy !req
431. Oh, I broke it. Oh, no!Copy !req
432. Anyone under the caravan?Copy !req
433. One shot.Copy !req
434. Ah, fuck you! It's a bit further
away from the hole now, James.Copy !req
435. Yeah.Copy !req
436. Three!Copy !req
437. Four!Copy !req
438. Four.Copy !req
439. Five.Copy !req
440. Six.Copy !req
441. Seven. Croquet mallet, seven shots.Copy !req
442. Posh. Posh. Well, thank you.
Very quick. Thanks.Copy !req
443. Aarghhhh!Copy !req
444. That's a side we've not seen of you
before, blind rage.Copy !req
445. I was absolutely furious! Well,
you broke a camera. Yeah, broke it.Copy !req
446. How do you feel about that?Copy !req
447. Pretty good, actually.
Yeah? At the time.Copy !req
448. Kerry, when you completed the task,
you said, "Bosh." Yes.Copy !req
449. And I'm increasingly thinking that's
your approach to this whole game!Copy !req
450. Yes. "Get in, do the job, bosh!"Copy !req
451. They're very straightforward tasks.Copy !req
452. Get the ball in the hole, bang.Copy !req
453. Are you like that at home?
Yes! Yeah?Copy !req
454. "What do you want, dinner, kids?
Bosh! There it is. Beans. Eat."Copy !req
455. "Right, bed."Copy !req
456. Let's see some others. OK, do you
want to see... Oh, I've made a joke.Copy !req
457. Do you want to see Nick Fildo and
Jessica Tappit? They're golf jokes.Copy !req
458. Fucking hell... No?Copy !req
459. Have you struck it yet?
No, I haven't struck it yet.Copy !req
460. That's all right, isn't it! One.Copy !req
461. Right, OK.Copy !req
462. Come on!Copy !req
463. Two shots. OK.Copy !req
464. Oh!Copy !req
465. Oh, why did I put the broom end
there? Great!Copy !req
466. I don't know why I didn't just do
this the whole way down!Copy !req
467. Oh, my God!Copy !req
468. You missed the... you missed
the tunnel.Copy !req
469. Heeeee!Copy !req
470. Seven. OK. You're on the green.Copy !req
471. No, do you know what,
this is fine now.Copy !req
472. Hey!Copy !req
473. Done.Copy !req
474. Eight.Copy !req
475. Oh, that is unfortunate!Copy !req
476. Nine. You're off the green. Oooh!Copy !req
477. Oh, God!Copy !req
478. Thank you!Copy !req
479. I put it to you, Jessica,
once you started using constructionCopy !req
480. techniques,
those actively hampered you.Copy !req
481. Yeah, I complicated it. Phil's
weren't a lot better. Oh, come on.Copy !req
482. They at least guided the ball
towards the holeCopy !req
483. instead of blocked it.Copy !req
484. On one occasion, they guided
the ball towards the end of a broom.Copy !req
485. Yeah.Copy !req
486. You created your own barrier!
Yeah.Copy !req
487. In retrospect, I should have turned
the broom the other way around.Copy !req
488. It's the fourth and final part
of the show next.Copy !req
489. Will Wang win, I wonder? Find out
very soon. You see if we don't!Copy !req
490. Hi and welcome back to the last part
of Taskmaster and The Task Masters.Copy !req
491. Yes, Greg, they're trying to get
a ball into a hole.Copy !req
492. It's a little bit like golf,
but it's definitely not golf.Copy !req
493. One man left to see. He's flying
solo again. It's Rhod Gilbert again.Copy !req
494. Here we go.Copy !req
495. Just got to investigate the hole.Copy !req
496. It doesn't say anything about me
walking on here.Copy !req
497. It doesn't say anything about me
moving the hole.Copy !req
498. So, technically,
that hole is movable.Copy !req
499. Oh, my God!Copy !req
500. I mean this, people say my ADHD
makes me shit at problem-solving.Copy !req
501. No, sir.Copy !req
502. Oh, God, look at that. It's a better
hole than the original hole!Copy !req
503. Have you got all the hole?
Not quite.Copy !req
504. I'm certainly going to get
all the hole.Copy !req
505. You're getting the whole hole?
That's the whole hole!Copy !req
506. Is that not the hole in the middle
of that hole? No. What's that hole?Copy !req
507. It's a different one.Copy !req
508. OK. OK?Copy !req
509. Oh, dragging a hole is a lot
harder than it looks!Copy !req
510. Oh, there it is. There it is.Copy !req
511. Good luck.Copy !req
512. That is what you call a hole-in-one.Copy !req
513. That was, loath as I am to admit it,
fairly impressive.Copy !req
514. Thank you very much.
It's not like I need the points!Copy !req
515. Oh, Jesus, you do, yeah.Copy !req
516. It was nice to see something
different than just whacking it,Copy !req
517. wasn't it? Tell us how they all did,
because it's a strikes-based system.Copy !req
518. Jess took most strikes so gets the
fewest points. One. Yeah. Thank you.Copy !req
519. OK.Copy !req
520. Kerry, seven strokes, two points.
James, six strokes, three points.Copy !req
521. Bosh. Phil, five strokes,
four points.Copy !req
522. Rhod, one stroke.Copy !req
523. It's too impressive not to give him
full marks. Five points for Rhod.Copy !req
524. That's the end of it.Copy !req
525. Can we quickly see the scoreboard
before the final task, please?Copy !req
526. Joint leaders all on 13 points,Copy !req
527. James, Kerry and Phil.Copy !req
528. OK, up you go to the stage
for the final task of the show!Copy !req
529. Alex, who will read the task out?Copy !req
530. Rhod will read the first part
of the task out.Copy !req
531. Oooh!Copy !req
532. Bloody hell! "Write down a ten-word
fact. You have 100 seconds.Copy !req
533. "There is a bonus point
for the best fact."Copy !req
534. That's the first part of the task.Copy !req
535. You've got 100 seconds. Starting...Copy !req
536. I don't know if you can cheer on
people writing facts.Copy !req
537. Get in there! Do all ten words!Copy !req
538. OK, they've written their facts.Copy !req
539. You are a very generous audience!Copy !req
540. So, here we go. Oh.Copy !req
541. The second half of the task,Copy !req
542. mouth your fact to the Taskmaster
without making any noise whatsoever.Copy !req
543. Most words understood
by the Taskmaster wins.Copy !req
544. OK, we're going to start
with Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
545. OK.Copy !req
546. Oh, keep it down!Copy !req
547. Getting it loud and clear over here!Copy !req
548. This is sabotage.Copy !req
549. Ready? OK, what is Kerry's fact?
Greg?Copy !req
550. I was born in Perivale in
London, UK, Europe, Earth.Copy !req
551. I was born in Perivale, Ealing,
London, UK, Europe, Earth.Copy !req
552. It's not bad, not bad. That was
amazing! OK, you can sit down.Copy !req
553. You can sit down.Copy !req
554. James, please take your place on
the spot. And mouth your fact.Copy !req
555. There we go.Copy !req
556. I didn't know I was going to have
to mouth it when I wrote it! No.Copy !req
557. What is the fact, Greg?
Well, I've had to invent a word.Copy !req
558. The second word I think is Youbats.Copy !req
559. Only Youbats and armadillos
can catch the awful disease leprosy.Copy !req
560. It's everything right
except for Youbats!Copy !req
561. Oh, humans.
Nine. You may have a seat. Nine.Copy !req
562. Arguably, I could have used
common-sense for "humans"!Copy !req
563. Who's next? Phil is up next.
Up you pop, Phil.Copy !req
564. Oooh!Copy !req
565. Greg, what is Phil Wang's fact?Copy !req
566. Phil Wang's tool sacks,
12 blush, majesty two.Copy !req
567. Can I tell them...?
Yeah, what is your fact?Copy !req
568. My fact was Phil Wang's
shoe size is 12Copy !req
569. - then I realised
I had four words left -Copy !req
570. that's plus two, minus two.Copy !req
571. Oh. Close, wasn't it?Copy !req
572. Penultimately,
it's you, Jessica Knappett. Yeah.Copy !req
573. Very nice. Very nice.
Thank you. Ready?Copy !req
574. Let's just do it, Greg!Copy !req
575. Did you know that ants live
to an average of 22 years?Copy !req
576. He's chucked in two extra words,
but he's got it exactly right! Yes!Copy !req
577. The final contestant is
Rhod Gilbert. Up you come, Rhod.Copy !req
578. Mwhhhh! Let's go.Copy !req
579. I am trying,
but it is worse than Phil.Copy !req
580. And Phil looked like he was having
a stroke.Copy !req
581. I'm really bad at this.Copy !req
582. You've got a very strong accent,
that's the problem.Copy !req
583. OK. Here's what I've got.Copy !req
584. And I genuinely have tried to
get this right.Copy !req
585. Greg brawls in dog jail, think
bail, failing old dog death.Copy !req
586. And that is genuinely what I think.Copy !req
587. Bang on!Copy !req
588. Would you like to hear the original?
Yeah, sure.Copy !req
589. Greg broke a toilet seat
by sitting on said toilet.Copy !req
590. I'm quite hurt you don't remember.
I do remember, it was my own toilet.Copy !req
591. It wasn't actually,
it was in the Edinburgh Festival.Copy !req
592. I was trying to get a non-refundable
deposit, but thank God I didn't!Copy !req
593. In that case, it should have read,
"Greg has broken two toilets!"Copy !req
594. Bring everyone down, we'll work it
all out when you're down here.Copy !req
595. Come on down to the studio floor.Copy !req
596. Well translated.
Thank you very much.Copy !req
597. Do you want to dish out the bonus
point for best fact first?Copy !req
598. Yes, I do. OK. I enjoyed all of the
facts. All of them.Copy !req
599. But, for me, the most genuinely
interesting, I had no ideaCopy !req
600. that it was only humans and
armadillos that can get leprosy.Copy !req
601. So, there goes the bonus point -
James Acaster.Copy !req
602. So, do you want the scores then,
including the bonus point?Copy !req
603. For God's sake, yes. OK.Copy !req
604. You only got one of Rhod's words
right, so he gets one point.Copy !req
605. The word "Greg"!Copy !req
606. After that, Phil was in fourth
place with four words,Copy !req
607. so he gets two points.Copy !req
608. Yeah. Kerry and James joint second
with nine words.Copy !req
609. But a bonus point to James, so
James and Jess both get five points.Copy !req
610. Whooo! OK, so joint winners
of that task.Copy !req
611. So the series scores? OK, James
in last place with 45. Phil, 47.Copy !req
612. Jess, 52.
And then back down to Rhod with 50.Copy !req
613. And then up again,
Kerry in the lead with 60 points.Copy !req
614. Eight points clear. Oooh!Copy !req
615. Absolutely boshing it.
Yes, she is. Smashing it.Copy !req
616. However, despite being in last
place, this episode has beenCopy !req
617. won by one point by the mighty
Mr James Acaster with 18 points!Copy !req
618. Yes!Copy !req
619. YES!Copy !req
620. James Acaster, congratulations.Copy !req
621. Go and collect your things from the
'90s and take Phil Wang with you!Copy !req
622. Because you've won Phil Wang!Copy !req
623. So, what have we learnt today?Copy !req
624. We've learnt that Youbats can
contract leprosy.Copy !req
625. And we've learnt that tonight's
paragon of task completionCopy !req
626. is James Acaster!Copy !req
627. Nighty-night, and byesy-bye!Copy !req