1. Hello, and welcome. You're watching
a show called TaskmasterCopy !req
2. with a man called Greg Davies.Copy !req
3. The battle for this tremendous
trophy is really raging,Copy !req
4. as we enter the third
instalment of the series.Copy !req
5. And our competitors are here to
proudly represent theirCopy !req
6. homelands, hailing from such exotic
kingdoms as Kettering,Copy !req
7. Bradford, Carmarthen, Ealing and,
of course, Stoke-on-Trent.Copy !req
8. So, let's all give a red-hot welcome
to our fearless five.Copy !req
9. James Acaster...Copy !req
10. .. Jessica Knappet...Copy !req
11. .. Kerry Godliman...Copy !req
12. .. Phil Wang...Copy !req
13. .. and Rhod Gilbert.Copy !req
14. And, here, balanced on top of a
benevolent booster seat,Copy !req
15. it's my pint-sized PA.Copy !req
16. Oooh.Copy !req
17. What's in your pocket, Alex?
Well, I've come up with a game.Copy !req
18. I wanted to contribute to the
format, so I thought if ICopy !req
19. come up with a task...Copy !req
20. .. maybe I can
affect the show more.Copy !req
21. So, erm, it's a game called
"Stone, Paperclip", OK?Copy !req
22. So, in my hand, I've either got a
stone or a paperclip.Copy !req
23. Do you want to have a game? Yeah.Copy !req
24. Ready? Yeah, OK.Copy !req
25. Stone? Yes.Copy !req
26. We'll do it again? Yep. OK.Copy !req
27. Don't look. Yep.Copy !req
28. Paper clip? Yes. Again?Copy !req
29. Paper clip. Yes, you're good
at this. Yep.Copy !req
30. Paper clip. Yes.Copy !req
31. OK.Copy !req
32. Another go? Stone. Yes, very good.Copy !req
33. It's prize task time. Beep.Copy !req
34. So, the prize category for this
specific show,Copy !req
35. is best thing from the '90s, OK.Copy !req
36. Interesting.Copy !req
37. So, Greg Davies will decide who he
thinks has brought in theCopy !req
38. best thing from the '90s, and gift
that person five Taskmaster points.Copy !req
39. At the end of the show, the winner
won't take home any of the prizes...Copy !req
40. Not.Copy !req
41. The winner will, of course,Copy !req
42. take home all five best things
from the '90s.Copy !req
43. Phil Wang, what's the best thing
you've brought in?Copy !req
44. I was born in Stoke-on-Trent,
in January 1990,Copy !req
45. so my best thing from
the '90s is...Copy !req
46. ..It's me, Phil Wang.Copy !req
47. We make it clear that the prize is
to be kept by the person whoCopy !req
48. wins, permanently.Copy !req
49. Some people might not want you for
the rest of their lives.Copy !req
50. Me, for one. That one, there.Copy !req
51. Well, it's a good thing Rhod's
not going to win.Copy !req
52. James, what have you brought
in from the '90s?Copy !req
53. So, I love the '90s. Because they
were the end of me being a toddler.Copy !req
54. My toddler years were the worst
years of my life.Copy !req
55. People used to grab me by the arms
and swing me around,Copy !req
56. so I've brought in a collage of
Goodbye To My Toddler Years.Copy !req
57. OK.Copy !req
58. Fuck off!Copy !req
59. Is there any part of you that wants
me to hold you upside down now,Copy !req
60. to make sure that you didn't have
a good time, back then?Copy !req
61. You couldn't hold me upside down.
Yes, I could.Copy !req
62. Hold him upside down!
Hold him upside down!Copy !req
63. How are you even doing this?
Yes! Yes!Copy !req
64. I loved it!Copy !req
65. That's cast a different light on
all this, hasn't it?Copy !req
66. Next, Jessica. I've brought a book
from the '90s. OK.Copy !req
67. This man changed the course of
cultural history.Copy !req
68. It's Timmy Mallett.Copy !req
69. That's one of the only books
I've ever read.Copy !req
70. I'm sure he's a perfectly nice man,Copy !req
71. but I found his televisual presence
quite unsettling in the '90s.Copy !req
72. Was it because he hosted a game show
and he punished his contestants?Copy !req
73. It is a treasured possession.
I can show you the inside cover.Copy !req
74. It was actually from 1989.Copy !req
75. Ooh.Copy !req
76. Ha-ha-ha-ha.Copy !req
77. You've instantly been disqualified.
No! Oh, that's really harsh.Copy !req
78. Oh, not wide awake!Copy !req
79. Rhod, what have you brought in from
the '90s? I don't believe it.Copy !req
80. I found this little gem,
hiding...Copy !req
81. Oh, my God.Copy !req
82. So, is that from the '90s?Copy !req
83. No, this is a photo from 2010.
Yes. Ha-ha-ha.Copy !req
84. But I have a back-up
picture.Copy !req
85. Here is a lovely picture of
Spice Girls.Copy !req
86. Kerry, tell me yours is from
the actual '90s.Copy !req
87. Mine is so firmly from the '90s.
Here it is.Copy !req
88. Friends. It's the whole boxset.
Solid.Copy !req
89. I think it defines the whole decade.
I don't mind Friends.Copy !req
90. We could sit like this,
like they sit.Copy !req
91. Like this and then like this.
Lean in, James.Copy !req
92. SHE SINGS FRIENDS THEMECopy !req
93. Yes!Copy !req
94. Solid.Copy !req
95. They're all quite shit,
the prizes, aren't they?Copy !req
96. Very. Yeah. It's a weak round.Copy !req
97. Very much so, but at least some
people are going to getCopy !req
98. points because they chose
the right decade.Copy !req
99. OK, let's get this over with.
You ready?Copy !req
100. Zero points to Jessica Knappet.Copy !req
101. He brought in a picture of you
from the Year 2000!Copy !req
102. I brought in the Spice Girls.
I haven't come to him yet. OK.Copy !req
103. One point to Phil Wang, just because
I would quite like to takeCopy !req
104. him home,
but that's a private thing.Copy !req
105. I'm going to give five points
to the only person who broughtCopy !req
106. an actual decent prize in,
and that's Kerry.Copy !req
107. Who doesn't like a boxset of
Friends?Copy !req
108. Well done, Kerry.
Well done, really happy for you.Copy !req
109. Well done, mate.Copy !req
110. I found James's genuinely touching.
Four points.Copy !req
111. Second place to James Acaster.Copy !req
112. And then there's Rhod, who did show
a picture of the Spice GirlsCopy !req
113. but, unfortunately, tainted it by
adding a picture of me from 2010.Copy !req
114. Therefore, neither image was from
the 1990s.Copy !req
115. Nil points!Copy !req
116. I think Phil's been unlucky though.
Why has Phil got..?Copy !req
117. I mean, I agree, but five,
four, one, zero, zero?Copy !req
118. Yeah, actually. All right.Copy !req
119. I'll bump you up from one point
to three points.Copy !req
120. If you can genuinely swear to me on
the lives of all those dear to you,Copy !req
121. that whoever wins the prize category
can keep you in their house.Copy !req
122. I knew what I was signing up for.Copy !req
123. Three points to Phil Wang.Copy !req
124. Good, so let's crack on. Can we have
an actual, proper task, please?Copy !req
125. OK, first task, here we go.Copy !req
126. This looks like a scene from Saw.Copy !req
127. Oh, my goodness.Copy !req
128. You're having your blood
pressure monitored. Yes.Copy !req
129. I have no medical skills. Good.Copy !req
130. Oh, my God. Excite Alex.Copy !req
131. Oh, God.Copy !req
132. Greatest increase from Alex's
current heart-rate wins.Copy !req
133. You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now.Copy !req
134. This is going to be fun, isn't it?Copy !req
135. Your time starts now.Copy !req
136. OK. I'm just going to... Just going
to think about this for a minute.Copy !req
137. Just quietly, alone, OK?Copy !req
138. So, I'm going to just...Copy !req
139. Is this task...? Has it been phrasedCopy !req
140. in a deliberately provocatively
saucy way?Copy !req
141. Don't know.Copy !req
142. Whatever you were hoping to get out
of it, Rhod delivered early doors.Copy !req
143. We're measuring my pulse,Copy !req
144. so it's the bottom number on that
machine. Right.Copy !req
145. It takes 30 seconds to read it.
Yeah.Copy !req
146. And my starting rate was somewhere
between 60 and 70 for all of them.Copy !req
147. We're going to start with the two
young dudes, Phil and James.Copy !req
148. Come with me. Where are we going?Copy !req
149. Well, if I told you it wouldn't be
exciting, would it?Copy !req
150. So, this is coffee. Black coffee.
With four cubes of sugar.Copy !req
151. It felt like five.
Five cubes of sugar.Copy !req
152. Would you drink this, please,
if you will, Alex?Copy !req
153. Where are we going, James?
Just shout out "Alex Horne".Copy !req
154. Alex Horne! Shout at these guys.Copy !req
155. Alex Horne! Come on, baby.Copy !req
156. 63, still. Right.Copy !req
157. HE GRUNTS WITH EFFORTCopy !req
158. GRUNTINGCopy !req
159. Hmm. I actually don't think I'm
going to be able to excite you,Copy !req
160. it's quite difficult...
Wha ha! Banana!Copy !req
161. Still 63, James. OK.Copy !req
162. CLATTERINGCopy !req
163. 67. Where we started.Copy !req
164. You're it! You're it.Copy !req
165. Oh, he's so quick!Copy !req
166. Alex!Copy !req
167. You got me! Come here, Alex!
I'm going to get you!Copy !req
168. Oh, that was close.
Oh, that was a near miss!Copy !req
169. His hat fell off.Copy !req
170. OK, so that was 61. 61.Copy !req
171. What was the compilation called?
Near Misses.Copy !req
172. Yeah, they missed every time,
didn't they? They missed every time.Copy !req
173. 151. That's good, isn't it?Copy !req
174. 151.Copy !req
175. How quickly was it between pouring
him a cup of coffee that youCopy !req
176. went for the time-served technique
of hitting a pan with a hammer?Copy !req
177. To be fair to me,Copy !req
178. I did try nearly kicking him in
the face for about five minutes.Copy !req
179. Yeah, yeah. I saw the karate stuff.Copy !req
180. But I can't comment on that,
cos all I can see is your genitalia!Copy !req
181. A lot of what you did was relaxing.
You gave me a hot drink...Copy !req
182. That's what you do to relax,
isn't it?Copy !req
183. Yeah. At one point, he reclined
my chair. That was nice.Copy !req
184. And then he showed me these clips
of a Russian dashcam.Copy !req
185. But it said Near Misses, so I knew
every time... everyone was OK.Copy !req
186. So, how quickly into the video
did you realise that no-oneCopy !req
187. was going to get hurt?
Oh, immediately. Immediately.Copy !req
188. It was the most relaxing
video I've ever seen.Copy !req
189. My heart rate dropped
by six in the...Copy !req
190. ..in the time.Copy !req
191. James, what was your thinking about
getting Alex to shout his ownCopy !req
192. name at passing traffic? I thought
about what would excite me in life.Copy !req
193. Mmm. And I would be excited to wave
at cars and shout "James Acaster".Copy !req
194. You would?Copy !req
195. What I discovered pretty quickly,
if you are trying to excite Alex,Copy !req
196. best not go down the route
of emotions.Copy !req
197. And it was better to play tig
with him in the garden and justCopy !req
198. get his heart rate up so that
he was chasing me.Copy !req
199. He's right! It's something
I've never realised about you,Copy !req
200. you're a cold fish. Yeah.
Very efficient!Copy !req
201. Well, we're glad that's over!Copy !req
202. See you in part two
for excited Horne action!Copy !req
203. Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Nice to see you all.Copy !req
204. Alex, are you looking forward to
this part of the show? Yes, I am.Copy !req
205. I am excited because the current
task is to excite Alex Horne.Copy !req
206. And I am Alex Horne.Copy !req
207. Next up, from the Valleys,
weighing in around 140 lbs,Copy !req
208. it's Rhod Gilbert.Copy !req
209. Different idea. Do you want this
off as well? Yes, please.Copy !req
210. I'm just worried that they're all
coming down. Yeah.Copy !req
211. I'm going to excite you. Right.Copy !req
212. It's quite tight, Rhod.Copy !req
213. Well, there's no point doing it
loose, is there? So, coffee.Copy !req
214. Guaranteed to get your heart rate
up. I'm going to go in this angle.Copy !req
215. OK. Are you ready? Yeah.Copy !req
216. How are you getting on?Copy !req
217. Oh! I'm sorry. That's not bad.
It's not going in my mouth. No. OK.Copy !req
218. It's in. OK.Copy !req
219. Yes, I've got a good line
of sight now.Copy !req
220. I'm going to go for a big hit now.
I'm ready.Copy !req
221. THEY GIGGLECopy !req
222. I just wanted to finish the pot, I
don't like waste. How are we doing?Copy !req
223. We're going to get the final reading
now. Get the final reading. 78.Copy !req
224. Is that your final reading?Copy !req
225. I think we've learned a lot more
about you than we have aboutCopy !req
226. me, here. I've learnt
a bit about you!Copy !req
227. Jesus Christ, what's wrong? I...Copy !req
228. With these tasks, you just panic!Copy !req
229. You just panic, it's blind panic.Copy !req
230. It didn't look like blind panic,Copy !req
231. it looked like fairly
structured torture!Copy !req
232. I'm sorry! Well, did it raise your
heart rate? By 11, yeah. Only by 11?Copy !req
233. I'll tell you, it wasn't hot,
it was lukewarm.Copy !req
234. And it was coffee and hot chocolate,
so it was basically a mocha. OK.Copy !req
235. And I do like mochas.Copy !req
236. Last to try to excite me
are the two ladies,Copy !req
237. Jessica Knappett and Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
238. What do you find exciting?Copy !req
239. It was quite exciting when my
children were born.Copy !req
240. Have you got video footage?
Your wife might not want that.Copy !req
241. No, we didn't film that one.
You're in a shark cage...Copy !req
242. You've been lowered into the water.Copy !req
243. When you open your eyes,
you're going to see a shark.Copy !req
244. Oh, no!Copy !req
245. The cage has broken! Oh.Copy !req
246. But you're... The shark's coming
into the cage, and it's eating you!Copy !req
247. I could re-enact childbirth.Copy !req
248. Not in a gynae way, but in a sort
of... we could role play.Copy !req
249. 66.Copy !req
250. It's gone up by six! Oh, we could
get out of the chair.Copy !req
251. Out, in. Up.Copy !req
252. Does it feel secure? Yes.Copy !req
253. Keep going! Keep going. Keep going!Copy !req
254. Ah!Copy !req
255. Oh, I hit the post.Copy !req
256. Are you excited? Tired.Copy !req
257. Keep going!Copy !req
258. 101! 101. Let's go! 101.Copy !req
259. Ah, that's exciting! Just give me,
give me 100 burpees. 100?Copy !req
260. I... Oh, no! Really high.Copy !req
261. 115!Copy !req
262. 157. Yeah.Copy !req
263. Are you OK? Well, no. Look.
You nearly tripled my heart rate.Copy !req
264. I think you need to go to hospital!Copy !req
265. Why did that make you dribble
when you said "Hospital"?Copy !req
266. Tackle me! Oh, that's good.Copy !req
267. I scored! That was exciting,
wasn't it?Copy !req
268. I do want to make sure it's on
record than when KerryCopy !req
269. offered to re-enact
childbirth for Alex,Copy !req
270. she followed the offer
with "Not in a gynae way."Copy !req
271. Just to be clear!Copy !req
272. There's a very iconic scene in the
film Kes where the PE teacher playsCopy !req
273. football with the kids, but really,Copy !req
274. he was wanting to show off his own
skills. Well...Copy !req
275. OK, I see what you're saying.Copy !req
276. I see what you're saying,
but football really excites him,Copy !req
277. so we played football to excite him.Copy !req
278. No, listen,
I know that was the starting point.Copy !req
279. What I'm suggesting to you
is you got carried away and youCopy !req
280. became goal hungry.Copy !req
281. There was a moment at the end
where you went, "I've scored!"Copy !req
282. And I could see it in your eyes,
it didn't matter who else was there!Copy !req
283. And that was the least scary
description of a shark attackCopy !req
284. of all time.Copy !req
285. It was... The shark tank had broken!Copy !req
286. I think it was just your voice,
Jess.Copy !req
287. I don't think you're capable
of describing something scary.Copy !req
288. Of instilling fear? Yeah.
You wanna bet? Yep!Copy !req
289. And yet,
once you started doing burpees,Copy !req
290. there was a sort of twisted sense
of pleasure came across your face.Copy !req
291. Well, it was a role reversal,
wasn't it? It was very pleasing.Copy !req
292. Give us some statistics, then.Copy !req
293. Well, Phil took me down, as we know,
so he's in last place.Copy !req
294. Rhod took me up by 11,
so he's in second last.Copy !req
295. My heart rate went up by 43
thanks to Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
296. In second place, it's James,
who took me up by 80.Copy !req
297. But Jessica took my heart rate
up by 97, so wins five points!Copy !req
298. Yes! I'm happy now.Copy !req
299. But it feels like we should have a
scoreboard update, right? Yes. Yes.Copy !req
300. It does. After two tasks,
Rhod Gilbert has two points.Copy !req
301. But there are two leaders, James
and Kerry, both on eight points!Copy !req
302. Which task is up next? OK,
have a look at this. Ready? Oooh!Copy !req
303. Ah! Hello.Copy !req
304. What's this? What do you
think it is? Hello! Hello.Copy !req
305. Task, isn't it? Yep.Copy !req
306. Hello, James. Yeah.Copy !req
307. "Make the best noise."Copy !req
308. "When you are ready to make
your noise,Copy !req
309. "you must say
"This is my best noise"."Copy !req
310. "After you have made your noise
you must remain still and silentCopy !req
311. "for at least ten seconds."Copy !req
312. "You have 20 minutes, one attempt.
Your time starts now."Copy !req
313. That wasn't me.Copy !req
314. Right. What noises do people like?Copy !req
315. Best noise, eh? Best noise. Good.
What noises do you like?Copy !req
316. The rustling of...
Do you like this?Copy !req
317. WHOOOOOO!Copy !req
318. Who's up first? We're going to start
with the outlaw, Jessie James!Copy !req
319. Jess and James, Jess and James.Copy !req
320. Whooo whoooo whooooo!Copy !req
321. I found some stuff.
SHE GIGGLESCopy !req
322. I'm just going to do a little
practice.Copy !req
323. No noise at all, that.
What if I filled this with water...Copy !req
324. And then hit it really hard
with something?Copy !req
325. Whaaaarrr! How am I going to make
this happen all at the same time?Copy !req
326. Why don't you talk to me at the
beginning of the tasks? What?Copy !req
327. I always say, "Hello, James."
Yeah. You never say hello back.Copy !req
328. It's not in the task, is it?Copy !req
329. The task isn't,
"Say hello to Alex."Copy !req
330. Aw!
Be nice, though.Copy !req
331. This is my best noise!Copy !req
332. Whoooo ooooh ooooh!Copy !req
333. Whoooo ooooh! Booooh!Copy !req
334. Whoooo ooooh oh!Copy !req
335. Whooooooooh!Copy !req
336. Hhhheeew! Hhhheeew! Hhhheeew!
Hhhheeew! Hhhheeew! Hhhheeew!Copy !req
337. DINGS BELLCopy !req
338. OK. Let's just do it now.Copy !req
339. This is the best noise!Copy !req
340. DULL CLUNKCopy !req
341. Two quick questions.
Why were you wearing a hat?Copy !req
342. Why were you on a bike?Copy !req
343. Erm, the answer to that is, I don't
know, and I don't fucking know.Copy !req
344. One could argue that was a series
of noises, could one not?Copy !req
345. Yeah, it was an elongated noise.
It had components.Copy !req
346. And they were connected by...?
The same person doing them. Oh.Copy !req
347. Oh, yeah. I'm the fool(!)Copy !req
348. James. Dear, dear, dear God! Awful.Copy !req
349. In my head, that was going to
sound so incredible.Copy !req
350. I thought, this is going to be
that satisfying squelchy boing onCopy !req
351. the galoshes, the ding of a bell...
Ding of the bell!Copy !req
352. The resonance of the
acoustic guitar.Copy !req
353. And it just sounded like... I may
as well have stamped on the floor!Copy !req
354. Yeah.Copy !req
355. OK, time for a commercial break.
See ya.Copy !req
356. Hello! It's Taskmaster part three,Copy !req
357. and everyone is playing
for the chance to win Phil Wang.Copy !req
358. Including Phil Wang. What did we
hear before the break, Alex?Copy !req
359. We heard some lovely noises, Greg.Copy !req
360. We're going to see Rhod next.
You don't need to!Copy !req
361. Did Rhod have the same idea as Jess?Copy !req
362. We don't need to see all of them,
Alex.Copy !req
363. Come on, let's see
what the bell-end's done.Copy !req
364. I need some things, Alex.Copy !req
365. I need a very tall ladder and
a picture of Greg, the Taskmaster.Copy !req
366. CLEARS THROAT
This is my best noise.Copy !req
367. DULL THUDCopy !req
368. Good girl!Copy !req
369. You know I give the points out
on this show, don't you?Copy !req
370. It was to make the best noise you
can, and your instant reaction was,Copy !req
371. "Great, this is an opportunity
for me to drop dog shitCopy !req
372. "onto the face of a friend
I've had for 15 years."Copy !req
373. This is how it ends.Copy !req
374. I didn't even panic!Copy !req
375. Well, you're a very rude prick!
Alex, who's next?Copy !req
376. Last up, from Location, Location,
Location, Kirstie and Phil!Copy !req
377. Kerry and Phil! Yes, here we go.Copy !req
378. OK, then. This is my best noise.Copy !req
379. LAPS TONGUE WETLYCopy !req
380. I'm going to do the best
noise from my mouth.Copy !req
381. BLOWS RASPBERRY
Those are pleasing, aren't they?Copy !req
382. Fart noises always bring
a bit of pleasure.Copy !req
383. BLOWS RASPBERRYCopy !req
384. BLOWS RASPBERRY LOUDLYCopy !req
385. If I did an actual fart,
would that be pushing it, too...?Copy !req
386. I don't know if I could control it.Copy !req
387. LAPS TONGUE WETLYCopy !req
388. Right. This is my best noise.Copy !req
389. DEFLATES ECHOINGLYCopy !req
390. I'm going to win this!Copy !req
391. Ah, you're definitely not!Copy !req
392. Fart noise is a classic, but I very
much enjoyed your presentation.Copy !req
393. Thank you.
It's all in the presentation.Copy !req
394. Phil. I mean, Jesus Christ.Copy !req
395. I'm sorry I didn't shit on
your face, Greg!Copy !req
396. I don't think that's the first time
you've made that noise.Copy !req
397. I make that noise every day.
It's how I wake up.Copy !req
398. So I'm sleeping...
OK, so you're fully asleep now.Copy !req
399. Oh, the sun's coming through
the curtains now.Copy !req
400. LAPS TONGUECopy !req
401. LAPS TONGUECopy !req
402. Aahhhh!Copy !req
403. Do you want to hear
the noises in isolation?Copy !req
404. I do, cos then I can judge
which is the best noise.Copy !req
405. OK, here's the first noise.Copy !req
406. DULL CLUNKCopy !req
407. Second noise.Copy !req
408. ECHOING DEFLATIONCopy !req
409. Third noise.Copy !req
410. Whooooo ooooh ooooh!Copy !req
411. BELL DINGS
Oooooh! Hhheeew!Copy !req
412. Fourth noise, Greg.Copy !req
413. DULL THUDCopy !req
414. And the final noise.Copy !req
415. TONGUE LAPPINGCopy !req
416. There they all are,
the five best noises in the world.Copy !req
417. My least favourite noise...
No, no, no, no. Come on.Copy !req
418. No, no, no.Copy !req
419. My least favourite noise
was the sound of dog shitCopy !req
420. being dropped onto my face.Copy !req
421. I'm sorry, one point.
One point to Rhod. Come on! Yeah.Copy !req
422. And James Acaster, you thank
your lucky stars, young man,Copy !req
423. that you didn't drop poo on my face.
You have two points. Yes.Copy !req
424. It's a tight-run thing,
but it's Kerry with three points.Copy !req
425. Third place. Correct. Second place?Copy !req
426. I'm giving it to the person I'm
genuinely worried about, Jessica.Copy !req
427. And therefore the winner,
against all odds, is Phil Wang!Copy !req
428. Five points to Phil Wang!Copy !req
429. We have time for another one,
don't we? We do.Copy !req
430. It's a lovely little tournament
I've labelled The Task Masters.Copy !req
431. Mmm! OK?Copy !req
432. Hiya! Hello, Jess. Hello.Copy !req
433. Hello, Rhod. Hiya.Copy !req
434. Hi, James.Copy !req
435. CLEARS THROATCopy !req
436. "Get this ball
in that hole..."Copy !req
437. "..In as few strokes as possible."Copy !req
438. "The ball must only be struck..."Copy !req
439. "The ball must never be carried."Copy !req
440. "You have a maximum of 20 minutes.
Your time starts now."Copy !req
441. What hole? What hole?Copy !req
442. Where's the hole?Copy !req
443. Oh, that hole!Copy !req
444. But this is Taskmaster, of course,
so they're not just going toCopy !req
445. whack the ball, they're going
to think about it for a while.Copy !req
446. The time's not important,
it's worth saying,Copy !req
447. it's the fewest possible shots.
It's the fewest possible shots.Copy !req
448. They can take their time, set it up
however they want. However you want.Copy !req
449. We're going to see James
and Kerry first. OK?Copy !req
450. TINKLINGCopy !req
451. Not bad!Copy !req
452. TINKLING
Oh, I broke it. Oh, no!Copy !req
453. Anyone under the caravan?Copy !req
454. One shot.Copy !req
455. Ah, fuck you! It's a bit further
away from the hole now, James.Copy !req
456. Yeah.Copy !req
457. Three!Copy !req
458. Four!Copy !req
459. Four.Copy !req
460. Five.Copy !req
461. Six.Copy !req
462. Seven. Croquet mallet, seven shots.Copy !req
463. Posh. Posh. Well, thank you.
Very quick. Thanks.Copy !req
464. Aarghhhh!Copy !req
465. That's a side we've not seen of you
before, blind rage.Copy !req
466. I was absolutely furious! Well,
you broke a camera. Yeah, broke it.Copy !req
467. How do you feel about that?Copy !req
468. Pretty good, actually.
Yeah? At the time.Copy !req
469. Kerry, when you completed the task,
you said, "Bosh." Yes.Copy !req
470. And I'm increasingly thinking that's
your approach to this whole game!Copy !req
471. Yes. "Get in, do the job, bosh!"Copy !req
472. They're very straightforward tasks.Copy !req
473. Get the ball in the hole, bang.Copy !req
474. Are you like that at home?
Yes! Yeah?Copy !req
475. "What do you want, dinner, kids?
Bosh! There it is. Beans. Eat."Copy !req
476. "Right, bed."Copy !req
477. Let's see some others. OK, do you
want to see... Oh, I've made a joke.Copy !req
478. Do you want to see Nick Fildo and
Jessica Tappit? They're golf jokes.Copy !req
479. Fucking hell... No?Copy !req
480. Have you struck it yet?
No, I haven't struck it yet.Copy !req
481. That's all right, isn't it! One.Copy !req
482. Right, OK.Copy !req
483. Come on!Copy !req
484. Two shots. OK.Copy !req
485. Oh!Copy !req
486. Oh, why did I put the broom end
there? Great!Copy !req
487. I don't know why I didn't just do
this the whole way down!Copy !req
488. Oh, my God!Copy !req
489. You missed the... you missed
the tunnel.Copy !req
490. Heeeee!Copy !req
491. Seven. OK. You're on the green.Copy !req
492. No, do you know what,
this is fine now.Copy !req
493. Hey!Copy !req
494. Done.Copy !req
495. Eight.Copy !req
496. Oh, that is unfortunate!Copy !req
497. Nine. You're off the green. Oooh!Copy !req
498. Oh, God!Copy !req
499. Thank you!Copy !req
500. I put it to you, Jessica,
once you started using constructionCopy !req
501. techniques,
those actively hampered you.Copy !req
502. Yeah, I complicated it. Phil's
weren't a lot better. Oh, come on.Copy !req
503. They at least guided the ball
towards the holeCopy !req
504. instead of blocked it.Copy !req
505. On one occasion, they guided
the ball towards the end of a broom.Copy !req
506. Yeah.Copy !req
507. You created your own barrier!
Yeah.Copy !req
508. In retrospect, I should have turned
the broom the other way around.Copy !req
509. It's the fourth and final part
of the show next.Copy !req
510. Will Wang win, I wonder? Find out
very soon. You see if we don't!Copy !req
511. Hi and welcome back to the last part
of Taskmaster and The Task Masters.Copy !req
512. Yes, Greg, they're trying to get
a ball into a hole.Copy !req
513. It's a little bit like golf,
but it's definitely not golf.Copy !req
514. One man left to see. He's flying
solo again. It's Rhod Gilbert again.Copy !req
515. Here we go.Copy !req
516. Just got to investigate the hole.Copy !req
517. It doesn't say anything about me
walking on here.Copy !req
518. It doesn't say anything about me
moving the hole.Copy !req
519. So, technically,
that hole is movable.Copy !req
520. Oh, my God!Copy !req
521. I mean this, people say my ADHD
makes me shit at problem-solving.Copy !req
522. No, sir.Copy !req
523. Oh, God, look at that. It's a better
hole than the original hole!Copy !req
524. Have you got all the hole?
Not quite.Copy !req
525. I'm certainly going to get
all the hole.Copy !req
526. You're getting the whole hole?
That's the whole hole!Copy !req
527. Is that not the hole in the middle
of that hole? No. What's that hole?Copy !req
528. It's a different one.Copy !req
529. OK. OK?Copy !req
530. Oh, dragging a hole is a lot
harder than it looks!Copy !req
531. Oh, there it is. There it is.Copy !req
532. Good luck.Copy !req
533. That is what you call a hole-in-one.Copy !req
534. That was, loath as I am to admit it,
fairly impressive.Copy !req
535. Thank you very much.
It's not like I need the points!Copy !req
536. Oh, Jesus, you do, yeah.Copy !req
537. It was nice to see something
different than just whacking it,Copy !req
538. wasn't it? Tell us how they all did,
because it's a strikes-based system.Copy !req
539. Jess took most strikes so gets the
fewest points. One. Yeah. Thank you.Copy !req
540. OK.Copy !req
541. Kerry, seven strokes, two points.
James, six strokes, three points.Copy !req
542. Bosh. Phil, five strokes,
four points.Copy !req
543. Rhod, one stroke.Copy !req
544. It's too impressive not to give him
full marks. Five points for Rhod.Copy !req
545. That's the end of it.Copy !req
546. Can we quickly see the scoreboard
before the final task, please?Copy !req
547. Joint leaders all on 13 points,Copy !req
548. James, Kerry and Phil.Copy !req
549. OK, up you go to the stage
for the final task of the show!Copy !req
550. Alex, who will read the task out?Copy !req
551. Rhod will read the first part
of the task out.Copy !req
552. Oooh!Copy !req
553. Bloody hell! "Write down a ten-word
fact. You have 100 seconds.Copy !req
554. "There is a bonus point
for the best fact."Copy !req
555. That's the first part of the task.Copy !req
556. You've got 100 seconds. Starting...
WHISTLE BLOWSCopy !req
557. I don't know if you can cheer on
people writing facts.Copy !req
558. Get in there! Do all ten words!Copy !req
559. WHISTLE BLOWS
OK, they've written their facts.Copy !req
560. You are a very generous audience!Copy !req
561. So, here we go. Oh.Copy !req
562. The second half of the task,Copy !req
563. mouth your fact to the Taskmaster
without making any noise whatsoever.Copy !req
564. Most words understood
by the Taskmaster wins.Copy !req
565. OK, we're going to start
with Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
566. OK.Copy !req
567. Oh, keep it down!Copy !req
568. Getting it loud and clear over here!Copy !req
569. This is sabotage.Copy !req
570. Ready? OK, what is Kerry's fact?
Greg?Copy !req
571. I was born in Perivale in
London, UK, Europe, Earth.Copy !req
572. I was born in Perivale, Ealing,
London, UK, Europe, Earth.Copy !req
573. It's not bad, not bad. That was
amazing! OK, you can sit down.Copy !req
574. You can sit down.Copy !req
575. James, please take your place on
the spot. And mouth your fact.Copy !req
576. There we go.Copy !req
577. I didn't know I was going to have
to mouth it when I wrote it! No.Copy !req
578. What is the fact, Greg?
Well, I've had to invent a word.Copy !req
579. The second word I think is Youbats.Copy !req
580. Only Youbats and armadillos
can catch the awful disease leprosy.Copy !req
581. It's everything right
except for Youbats!Copy !req
582. Oh, humans.
Nine. You may have a seat. Nine.Copy !req
583. Arguably, I could have used
common-sense for "humans"!Copy !req
584. Who's next? Phil is up next.
Up you pop, Phil.Copy !req
585. Oooh!Copy !req
586. Greg, what is Phil Wang's fact?Copy !req
587. Phil Wang's tool sacks,
12 blush, majesty two.Copy !req
588. Can I tell them...?
Yeah, what is your fact?Copy !req
589. My fact was Phil Wang's
shoe size is 12Copy !req
590. - then I realised
I had four words left -Copy !req
591. that's plus two, minus two.Copy !req
592. Oh. Close, wasn't it?Copy !req
593. Penultimately,
it's you, Jessica Knappett. Yeah.Copy !req
594. Very nice. Very nice.
Thank you. Ready?Copy !req
595. Let's just do it, Greg!Copy !req
596. Did you know that ants live
to an average of 22 years?Copy !req
597. He's chucked in two extra words,
but he's got it exactly right! Yes!Copy !req
598. The final contestant is
Rhod Gilbert. Up you come, Rhod.Copy !req
599. Mwhhhh! Let's go.Copy !req
600. I am trying,
but it is worse than Phil.Copy !req
601. And Phil looked like he was having
a stroke.Copy !req
602. I'm really bad at this.Copy !req
603. You've got a very strong accent,
that's the problem.Copy !req
604. OK. Here's what I've got.Copy !req
605. And I genuinely have tried to
get this right.Copy !req
606. Greg brawls in dog jail, think
bail, failing old dog death.Copy !req
607. And that is genuinely what I think.Copy !req
608. Bang on!Copy !req
609. Would you like to hear the original?
Yeah, sure.Copy !req
610. Greg broke a toilet seat
by sitting on said toilet.Copy !req
611. I'm quite hurt you don't remember.
I do remember, it was my own toilet.Copy !req
612. It wasn't actually,
it was in the Edinburgh Festival.Copy !req
613. I was trying to get a non-refundable
deposit, but thank God I didn't!Copy !req
614. In that case, it should have read,
"Greg has broken two toilets!"Copy !req
615. Bring everyone down, we'll work it
all out when you're down here.Copy !req
616. Come on down to the studio floor.Copy !req
617. Well translated.
Thank you very much.Copy !req
618. Do you want to dish out the bonus
point for best fact first?Copy !req
619. Yes, I do. OK. I enjoyed all of the
facts. All of them.Copy !req
620. But, for me, the most genuinely
interesting, I had no ideaCopy !req
621. that it was only humans and
armadillos that can get leprosy.Copy !req
622. So, there goes the bonus point -
James Acaster.Copy !req
623. So, do you want the scores then,
including the bonus point?Copy !req
624. For God's sake, yes. OK.Copy !req
625. You only got one of Rhod's words
right, so he gets one point.Copy !req
626. The word "Greg"!Copy !req
627. After that, Phil was in fourth
place with four words,Copy !req
628. so he gets two points.Copy !req
629. Yeah. Kerry and James joint second
with nine words.Copy !req
630. WHISTLESCopy !req
631. But a bonus point to James, so
James and Jess both get five points.Copy !req
632. Whooo! OK, so joint winners
of that task.Copy !req
633. So the series scores? OK, James
in last place with 45. Phil, 47.Copy !req
634. Jess, 52.
And then back down to Rhod with 50.Copy !req
635. And then up again,
Kerry in the lead with 60 points.Copy !req
636. Eight points clear. Oooh!Copy !req
637. Absolutely boshing it.
Yes, she is. Smashing it.Copy !req
638. However, despite being in last
place, this episode has beenCopy !req
639. won by one point by the mighty
Mr James Acaster with 18 points!Copy !req
640. Yes!Copy !req
641. YES!Copy !req
642. James Acaster, congratulations.Copy !req
643. Go and collect your things from the
'90s and take Phil Wang with you!Copy !req
644. Because you've won Phil Wang!Copy !req
645. So, what have we learnt today?Copy !req
646. We've learnt that Youbats can
contract leprosy.Copy !req
647. And we've learnt that tonight's
paragon of task completionCopy !req
648. is James Acaster!Copy !req
649. Nighty-night, and byesy-bye!Copy !req