1. Ah!Copy !req
2. Ooo-ooh.Copy !req
3. No!Copy !req
4. Ah! Uh...Copy !req
5. Hello! Hello.Copy !req
6. And, in case you didn't hear me,
hello.Copy !req
7. I'm Greg Davies and this is
Taskmaster.Copy !req
8. Look at this, just look at it,
go on. Give it a real good look.Copy !req
9. Now stop looking at it.
And now, have another look.Copy !req
10. And that is the kind of utopian
future the winner of this seriesCopy !req
11. can expect - getting to do whatever
they like, whenever they like,Copy !req
12. to my head!Copy !req
13. So, let's keep
this competition goingCopy !req
14. and meet the five rambunctious
rivals.Copy !req
15. Please welcome James Acaster...Copy !req
16. .. Jessica Knappett...Copy !req
17. .. Kerry Godliman...Copy !req
18. .. Phil Wang...Copy !req
19. .. and Rhod Gilbert.Copy !req
20. And here, sat next to me,Copy !req
21. it's my hypoallergenic fuzzball
of an assistant...Copy !req
22. I wasn't expecting you
to be wearing that.Copy !req
23. I have no doubt you've got
a hilarious reason.Copy !req
24. It's the health and safety
beard snood. Right.Copy !req
25. And the rule you sent me,
through the post this time, was,Copy !req
26. when I'm preparing a meal,
if my beard is more than 2mm longCopy !req
27. I must wear the beard snood. So...Copy !req
28. .. on it goes.Copy !req
29. And you're preparing food now?
Always, mentally.Copy !req
30. Always thinking of your next meal.Copy !req
31. It's comfortable, it's made of very
soft cotton so it's quite...Copy !req
32. Oh, that is...Copy !req
33. That is going to
fucking hurt, isn't it?Copy !req
34. It already hurts a bit!
It hurts a little bit on the ears!Copy !req
35. Oh!Copy !req
36. Thank you. Thank you, Greg.
Thank you. Thank you for that.Copy !req
37. Very good. Let's crack on.Copy !req
38. Thankfully, it's now time for
the prize task and this weekCopy !req
39. we've asked them to bring in
the boldest belt.Copy !req
40. Whoever's belt you select as
the boldest will buckle up withCopy !req
41. five satisfying points
and, at the end of the episode,Copy !req
42. the person with the most points
will take home all five belts andCopy !req
43. vastly reduce the chances
of their trousers falling down.Copy !req
44. OK. Kerry, Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
45. What belt have you brought inCopy !req
46. and why do you think
it's the boldest belt?Copy !req
47. I brought in a wrestling belt,
because it's the boldest of belts,Copy !req
48. I can't think of a bolder belt
off the top of my head.Copy !req
49. And it's gold. It's massive.Copy !req
50. And, to be a wrestler, you've got to
be pretty bold, haven't you?Copy !req
51. It's gold, is it? Yeah.Copy !req
52. It cost £24.Copy !req
53. £24? Is it plastic?Copy !req
54. No, it's gold.Copy !req
55. It's actual gold.Copy !req
56. And you think gold is bold,
obviously.Copy !req
57. Rhymes. Yes.Copy !req
58. Bonus point!Copy !req
59. James,Copy !req
60. what have you brought in?Copy !req
61. Fizzy belts.Copy !req
62. Fizzy belts?Copy !req
63. Yeah, like you get in a tuck shop.Copy !req
64. Visual, please!
Fizzy rainbow belts.Copy !req
65. They're cheap. Cheap.Copy !req
66. So, I went into the tuck shop
and I said,Copy !req
67. give me £500 worth...Copy !req
68. .. of your boldest belts.Copy !req
69. And that's what they came up with.Copy !req
70. When you see it now, do you think
you might have been ripped off?Copy !req
71. When you see it laid out like that?
No, they cost a lot!Copy !req
72. The yellow bits in there,
they're gold!Copy !req
73. Jess, what is the bold belt
that you've brought in?Copy !req
74. It's a seat belt pillow.Copy !req
75. You attach it to your seat belt.Copy !req
76. Here we go,
this is the seat belt pillow.Copy !req
77. Right.Copy !req
78. So, that goes on the seat belt and
you rest your head on his head?Copy !req
79. That goes on your seat belt, or you
can just wear it driving around.Copy !req
80. I've got a review from Amazon
for this one. Oh, great.Copy !req
81. Takes really long time to arrive.
Quite poor quality.Copy !req
82. Four stars!Copy !req
83. Genuine review.Copy !req
84. Is it a belt?Copy !req
85. It's definitely a belt. It's a belt?
Yeah.Copy !req
86. It's not. It has some attachments
for you to put it onto a seat belt.Copy !req
87. I'm not going to lose this prize
task on a technicality.Copy !req
88. Oh, I mean, you 100% are going to
lose this prize task!Copy !req
89. Rhod Gilbert.Copy !req
90. I got a belt. Is it bold? Yes.Copy !req
91. Let's have a look at it.
It is bold.Copy !req
92. That is a genuine stuffed
goat's head.Copy !req
93. It's what I wear to weddings
in Wales.Copy !req
94. Jesus Christ.Copy !req
95. Have you ever worn that belt,
genuinely? I'm genuine!Copy !req
96. That's the belt I wear to weddings!
You'll see at the end of the show.Copy !req
97. Genuine, live... Not live, dead!Copy !req
98. It's not live!Copy !req
99. Phil. I've got a bold belt.Copy !req
100. I got it made, custom made,
for this very purpose.Copy !req
101. Good. Here's the belt.Copy !req
102. So, I got to pick out the belt
strap and the buckle.Copy !req
103. And this is how bold the belt was.Copy !req
104. When I asked for this combination,
the guy said, "Are you sure?"Copy !req
105. Do you want to see the guy?
So that's him actually making it.Copy !req
106. I wish I'd got the guy
killing the goat now!Copy !req
107. And I haggled with him for this,
I haggled with him. He said £50.Copy !req
108. I said 30. He said 50.
And I said 40.Copy !req
109. So I paid £50...Copy !req
110. .. which I think you'll find
is a nice, round, bold number.Copy !req
111. Right, it's time to judge them. OK.Copy !req
112. One point, James. It's not a belt.
Sweets.Copy !req
113. What?Copy !req
114. Jess, two points,
and you're lucky, it's not a belt.Copy !req
115. Oh! Kerry, three points. It's tat.Copy !req
116. At the end of the day,
if you go to the troubleCopy !req
117. to having a live goat's head
grafted onto your groin,Copy !req
118. you're going to get
five points on this show.Copy !req
119. Phil, four points.
Rhod Gilbert, five points.Copy !req
120. Belts - tick! Next task, please.Copy !req
121. Yes, and we've got some
fast fiction for you.Copy !req
122. Hi, Alex. Hello, Phil Wang.Copy !req
123. Hi, Alex Horne.
That's too close to me.Copy !req
124. Ooh.Copy !req
125. Hello, James.Copy !req
126. Write a ten-word story before
you reach the finish line.Copy !req
127. You must be running while writing.Copy !req
128. Must be.Copy !req
129. Shoot!Copy !req
130. Fastest across the finish line
with a proper story wins.Copy !req
131. What do you mean, a proper story?Copy !req
132. It's got to have a start,
middle and end.Copy !req
133. Quite... I feel quite anxious
about this one.Copy !req
134. Running and writing,
writing a ten-word story.Copy !req
135. That's counting, running
and writing.Copy !req
136. Counting, running and writing.Copy !req
137. Could you read the last line
of the task, please, Phil?Copy !req
138. Yeah, just give me a second.Copy !req
139. OK, fastest across the finish line
with a proper story wins.Copy !req
140. Your time starts...Copy !req
141. Pardon?Copy !req
142. Your time starts...Copy !req
143. Your time starts now!Copy !req
144. Let's get on with it.Copy !req
145. OK, well, here's everyone having
a bit of a jog and a bit of a write.Copy !req
146. Phil, can you read the last line
of... Your time starts now.Copy !req
147. Thank you, Phil.Copy !req
148. How many words? Ten, please.
I must be running what?Copy !req
149. Erm...Copy !req
150. Are you running? Yes.Copy !req
151. One, two, three, four.
There was a girl...Copy !req
152. Partridge... ran...Copy !req
153. Three-part structure.
Introduction, conflict, resolution.Copy !req
154. She needed shoes!Copy !req
155. .. and... found... its... mother...Copy !req
156. Nine, ten.Copy !req
157. .. dead!Copy !req
158. Did it say write or tell
a ten-word story?Copy !req
159. All the information's on the task.Copy !req
160. Finished? I've just remembered
it's supposed to be ten words.Copy !req
161. OK, I've got a story.Copy !req
162. You all right, Rhod?Copy !req
163. Now, then...Copy !req
164. ..it occurred to me that they didn't
actually have to start runningCopy !req
165. until they had their whole story
in their head, did they?Copy !req
166. Well, it was only running
while writing. Right.Copy !req
167. But they all just chose to get
running and...Copy !req
168. Oh, they all ran the whole time.
Yeah.Copy !req
169. Of course,
Phil Wang didn't write anything.Copy !req
170. Well, shall we start with Phil's
story and then we can debate it?Copy !req
171. Let's hear his story and then we'll
decide whether he wrote it or not.Copy !req
172. An ogre was hungry.Copy !req
173. Ate...Copy !req
174. Ate a child.Copy !req
175. It was his.Copy !req
176. Thank you, Phil.
And you've definitely written that?Copy !req
177. Well, written, you know,
write a story is not...Copy !req
178. It doesn't literally mean write.Copy !req
179. We say Homer wrote the Iliad
but we also all understand thatCopy !req
180. it was probably passed down
through oral tradition.Copy !req
181. So you've used the oral tradition?Copy !req
182. OK. I'll let him know. OK.Copy !req
183. Thank you, Phil.
All right, thanks, guys. Good story.Copy !req
184. Oh, yeah, there was
a pen and paper here.Copy !req
185. I also regret saying oral tradition
while my dick was out.Copy !req
186. So, the oral...Copy !req
187. You're using the oral tradition
of Homer's Iliad.Copy !req
188. Yeah, well,
I enjoyed that explanation.Copy !req
189. I'm tempted to buy it, you know. OK.Copy !req
190. And I think the story was
pretty powerful.Copy !req
191. Beginning - ogre was hungry.Copy !req
192. Middle - he fulfils that hunger.Copy !req
193. Twist - he's eaten his own child
which is an act of...Copy !req
194. Happiness.Copy !req
195. I didn't know you were coming to me!Copy !req
196. Well, that's enough of part one.
Good riddance, I say.Copy !req
197. Nasty piece of work.
See you in a few.Copy !req
198. Hello! I have missed you so much.Copy !req
199. You'll be glad to know its part two
and it's story time.Copy !req
200. It is! Next up,
this is Jess reading her story.Copy !req
201. The albino partridge ran awayCopy !req
202. and found its mother...Copy !req
203. .. dead.Copy !req
204. That's it. Thank you.Copy !req
205. It was a story. It was a story.Copy !req
206. Let's just drill down into
some of the detail.Copy !req
207. The albino partridge ran away.Copy !req
208. Why did it run away?Copy !req
209. Because its mother was missing?Copy !req
210. No, because it had done
some bad shit.Copy !req
211. I don't know, I haven't given it
any background!Copy !req
212. I only had ten words!Copy !req
213. Yeah, and she was very fast as well.
She was 24 seconds.Copy !req
214. Oh, well, that's impressive.
It's a fast story.Copy !req
215. My tactic was just take off,
run away like an albino partridge.Copy !req
216. Who's next?Copy !req
217. We're going to see a man
with the body of a writerCopy !req
218. and the mind of a runner.
It's James Acaster.Copy !req
219. The boy ran to France,Copy !req
220. and I loved that boy.Copy !req
221. Oh, God!Copy !req
222. Good story.Copy !req
223. Has it got a middle, that,
technically? Huh?Copy !req
224. Beginning, middle and end. Yep.Copy !req
225. There's certainly a beginning.
The boy running to France. Yes.Copy !req
226. Boy ran to France. Yes.
And. I love that boy.Copy !req
227. Boy ran to France.
Now, that's a long way.Copy !req
228. From Kettering.Copy !req
229. He was Kettering-based? Yes.Copy !req
230. I think that was implied.
Of course, sorry.Copy !req
231. Sorry. Yes.
I'm no story writer. Go on.Copy !req
232. So, when the boy started running,Copy !req
233. other people started joining the boy
running and he was inspiring people.Copy !req
234. Like Forrest Gump.Copy !req
235. Oh. Is that a thing? Yeah!Copy !req
236. He's done a lot of things,
he met the president.Copy !req
237. The president of...?Copy !req
238. Kettering. Kettering.Copy !req
239. And, when we got to France,
I knew that,Copy !req
240. just like all the other people
who followed him, I loved that boy.Copy !req
241. And then he married Jenny.Copy !req
242. OK, happy?Copy !req
243. Yeah, I couldn't be happier.
Who's next?Copy !req
244. It's Kerry Katona.Copy !req
245. Kerry Godliman.
Godliman. Godliman.Copy !req
246. It's Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
247. Right, OK.Copy !req
248. There was a girl that needed shoesCopy !req
249. and got shoes.Copy !req
250. Thanks, Kerry. Thank you. Bye-bye.
Bye.Copy !req
251. I realise it's shallow now.Copy !req
252. Not necessarily.Copy !req
253. It's about shoes.Copy !req
254. There might be a profound reason
as to why the girl wanted shoes.Copy !req
255. Yeah.Copy !req
256. She'd never had shoes
her whole life.Copy !req
257. Because of money?Copy !req
258. Money, yeah, yeah. And...Copy !req
259. She needed shoes, so there's
your set-up, there's your opening,Copy !req
260. that's your act one. Yeah.Copy !req
261. And then what did I say?
She got them.Copy !req
262. And got shoes. She got shoes.Copy !req
263. It turned out well. Yes.Copy !req
264. Happy ending.Copy !req
265. She needed the shoes.Copy !req
266. She got the shoes.
So, the middle section...Copy !req
267. No-one had to die, no-one ate a kid!Copy !req
268. And then she found money,Copy !req
269. she found some money in the street
like Willy Wonka!Copy !req
270. She found the coin.Copy !req
271. And she went, I'm going to go to
Freeman, Hardy and Willis's...Copy !req
272. And she deserved it because all
the other children who broughtCopy !req
273. those shoe coins to the shoe shop,
they didn't deserve them! Yeah!Copy !req
274. One was spoiled! One was fat!Copy !req
275. One of them got their foot trapped
in the measurer like that!Copy !req
276. That'll teach them!Copy !req
277. You've really run with that,
you've run with my story.Copy !req
278. I'm sorry, Kerry, but plagiarism
is not cool. No, I... No.Copy !req
279. So, there's one more left to see,
isn't there, Alex? That's right.Copy !req
280. And last up to the starter's line,
it's the other Mr Gilbert.Copy !req
281. How long's that?Copy !req
282. Ten minutes.Copy !req
283. And what?Copy !req
284. Four seconds.Copy !req
285. Count me.Copy !req
286. Count you? Yeah, let's have seconds.Copy !req
287. Ten seconds... Yeah.Copy !req
288. ..11... Yeah.Copy !req
289. ..12... Stop.Copy !req
290. Can you not read it yourself?
No.Copy !req
291. Do you want me to read it? Yeah.Copy !req
292. Aah...Copy !req
293. Exhaustive.Copy !req
294. The man ran...Copy !req
295. .. for exactly ten minutes...Copy !req
296. ..12 seconds...Copy !req
297. .. losing.Copy !req
298. Ten words.Copy !req
299. Thank you, Rhod.Copy !req
300. Some good counting.Copy !req
301. I mean, it's a work of art.
In many ways.Copy !req
302. There were many other entries.Copy !req
303. "Once upon a time there was
an old woman who lived in a shoe."Copy !req
304. That's 14 words and you gave up.Copy !req
305. "Good King Wenceslas looked out
but no feast. What?"Copy !req
306. And then you gave up.Copy !req
307. And then you had,Copy !req
308. "The Taskmaster fell
while trying to unzip his trousers."Copy !req
309. That's another attempt.
Nightly occurrence.Copy !req
310. Would have scored highly.Copy !req
311. But, yeah, they were all abandoned
in favour of the ten minute 12 one.Copy !req
312. I think, in their own way,
all of those stories were beautiful.Copy !req
313. I want to hear the times and that's
how we'll award the points.Copy !req
314. Let's party. Jess, 24 second story.Copy !req
315. Phil Wang, a two minute 16 story.Copy !req
316. We know Rhod of course,
a ten minute 12 story.Copy !req
317. 20 second story by James Acaster.Copy !req
318. He leapt over the gate as well.Copy !req
319. Kerry... Yes.Copy !req
320. .. much slower, 44 seconds.Copy !req
321. So, it goes one point to Rhod,
two to Phil, three to Kerry,Copy !req
322. four to Jess but five to
James Acaster who wins the trial!Copy !req
323. I smell a scoreboard. Yes.Copy !req
324. They all have six points.
So, there we go.Copy !req
325. Yeah. Amazing.Copy !req
326. Very good. Another.Copy !req
327. OK, this is big news.Copy !req
328. It's our first team task
of the series. Here we go.Copy !req
329. Hi!Copy !req
330. Ooh!Copy !req
331. What's all this?Copy !req
332. Welcome, Rhod. Thank you.Copy !req
333. Is that what Phil Wang's wearing
for the whole series?Copy !req
334. Phil, I mean,
I'm trying to keep eye contact.Copy !req
335. I'm desperately trying not to look
at your genitals.Copy !req
336. How are you? How are you?
I'm all right. How are you?Copy !req
337. Have you looked at Wang's genitals?Copy !req
338. Oh, you have now. You reckon?Copy !req
339. No, I haven't looked at them,
I'm trying not to becau...Copy !req
340. Why are you trying not to? Well,
because as soon as he approaches...Copy !req
341. Maybe that's the task.
I think that might be the task.Copy !req
342. Don't look at Wang's dick.Copy !req
343. You can both pick a card, please.Copy !req
344. Don't show me it,
or each other, yet.Copy !req
345. OK, Kerry, can you show me your
card, please? Show you? Yes, please.Copy !req
346. A five. OK. Jess?Copy !req
347. A nine.Copy !req
348. Right, that means you get this.Copy !req
349. If you want to pop that on.
Shall I take your drink?Copy !req
350. Oh, shoes!Copy !req
351. You to have to... I've got to wear
the blindfold? Yes, please.Copy !req
352. And you two get to sit on those
stools. Yes!Copy !req
353. We get a seat!Copy !req
354. You've got to be joking?Copy !req
355. That's for you, Kerry. Right.Copy !req
356. Paint the best picture of
this still life.Copy !req
357. The painter must remain
blindfolded throughout. Ha-ha!Copy !req
358. The other person may not move
from their chairCopy !req
359. and may only say
the following words.Copy !req
360. You have ten minutes.Copy !req
361. Your time starts now.Copy !req
362. OK, here is the still life.Copy !req
363. OK.Copy !req
364. That looks like you've emptied
the contents of your underpantsCopy !req
365. onto the table, Phil.Copy !req
366. Interesting difference in the
greetings between the two teams.Copy !req
367. A lovely hug from the ladiesCopy !req
368. and you exclusively talked about
Phil's dick.Copy !req
369. Good.Copy !req
370. I can honestly say, I've never been
so happy to put a blindfold on.Copy !req
371. Let's all have a little rest.
See you in a few minutes.Copy !req
372. Ah, hello!Copy !req
373. Come in, sit down and shut up.Copy !req
374. What were we doing before the break,
please, Alex?Copy !req
375. OK, this is the first ever
boys versus girls team task.Copy !req
376. Blindfolded painting using only
the official authorised words ofCopy !req
377. banana, down, left, less, more,
pick, right, up and whoops.Copy !req
378. Here we go.Copy !req
379. Guys...Copy !req
380. ..you could grab my hand and
literally make me paint it.Copy !req
381. That's not against the rules.Copy !req
382. Right. That is...Copy !req
383. .. banana!Copy !req
384. Is this the still life? Whoops!
Whoops.Copy !req
385. Banana to that last question. OK.Copy !req
386. Only those words, please, Kerry.Copy !req
387. Banana for yes.Copy !req
388. Yes.Copy !req
389. Banana.Copy !req
390. Banana, eggs.Copy !req
391. Banana. Melon.
Banana.Copy !req
392. Say more when I've got
the right place. More.Copy !req
393. OK, I'm drawing a pineapple.Copy !req
394. Down.Copy !req
395. Pick. Up.Copy !req
396. Wait...Copy !req
397. Banana, banana, banana!Copy !req
398. Banana, banana, banana.Copy !req
399. Banana! Banana, banana, banana,
banana, banana, banana.Copy !req
400. More! Less.
More. Less.Copy !req
401. More. Less.
Whoops, more, more.Copy !req
402. Right?Copy !req
403. Left. Left. Left.Copy !req
404. Banana.Copy !req
405. Melon time. Banana!Copy !req
406. Right, banana. Banana.Copy !req
407. Here?Copy !req
408. Right.Copy !req
409. Whoops. Whoops.Copy !req
410. Whoops, right, banana. Left, banana.Copy !req
411. Oh, you mean...Copy !req
412. Like that? Left banana.Copy !req
413. How's that? Banana.Copy !req
414. Yes! Banana!Copy !req
415. More, more, more.Copy !req
416. Banana.Copy !req
417. Banana whoops.Copy !req
418. Not bad. Not bad at all.
Not bad at all.Copy !req
419. The females don't look happy.Copy !req
420. I'm livid. That's cheating,
isn't it?Copy !req
421. What? Holding the hands
and doing it on their behalf.Copy !req
422. Didn't say on the card,
didn't say anything about it.Copy !req
423. That was not the intention
of the task, was it, really?Copy !req
424. I think you've got to think outside
the box with these things.Copy !req
425. Very much so. Yeah.Copy !req
426. Well, it's delicate, isn't it?Copy !req
427. Because sometimes, ooh,
think outside the box.Copy !req
428. Other times, cheating.Copy !req
429. You want to see the picture? Yeah.Copy !req
430. Oh. Wow.Copy !req
431. Given they cheated,
I expected more. Yeah.Copy !req
432. The duck's good, mind.Copy !req
433. Yeah, the duck's good but the rest's
crap.Copy !req
434. Here's the girls'.Copy !req
435. Wow. It's good, isn't it?Copy !req
436. Which one's the picture?Copy !req
437. 'You want to see them
next to each other?
You'll have to judge them.Copy !req
438. This is the two of them.
I'm going to judge them as well.Copy !req
439. It's up to you, Greg.Copy !req
440. I think it's close but
one of the teams didn't cheat.Copy !req
441. To be fair to the boys, look at
the texture in that melon. Yeah.Copy !req
442. Look at the texture!
Look at the texture in our melon!Copy !req
443. Yours looks like spiralized
courgette!Copy !req
444. It does. All right, you've got to
score it.Copy !req
445. There's normally five points to
split between the two teams. Yeah.Copy !req
446. For me, the sheer detail
in that duck...Copy !req
447. The sheer detail in that duck...
You love that duck. .. snatches it.Copy !req
448. So I'm going to give the boys
three points and the ladies two.Copy !req
449. Three to the boys, two to the girls!Copy !req
450. Fine, thank you.Copy !req
451. More, please, more.Copy !req
452. Up more, less banana,
up less, banana, whoops!Copy !req
453. Here we go.Copy !req
454. Hi. Oh, hello.Copy !req
455. Oh, my God!
Oh, what's happened?Copy !req
456. I love these!Copy !req
457. Foghorns!Copy !req
458. It's the sound of a party.Copy !req
459. Predict what Jessica Knappett...Copy !req
460. Kerry Godliman...Copy !req
461. Phil Wang...Copy !req
462. Rhod Gilbert...Copy !req
463. James Acaster will do with one
of the objectsCopy !req
464. and do something yourself with
one of the objects.Copy !req
465. You also get five points
if Rhod Gilbert...Copy !req
466. Phil Wang...Copy !req
467. Kerry Godliman...Copy !req
468. Jessica Knappett...Copy !req
469. James Acaster correctly predicts
your own action.Copy !req
470. What a good task.Copy !req
471. Right...Copy !req
472. Firstly, we should definitely
shine a light on your impression.Copy !req
473. Thank you. Perhaps you'd like
to do it live.Copy !req
474. Very good.Copy !req
475. So, the idea is you want to be
predictable, and good at predicting.Copy !req
476. We're going to start with Rhod
and Jess making their prediction.Copy !req
477. 'I know what James Acaster's
going to do. That's easy.Copy !req
478. 'Acaster will take the tenner,
he's skint.Copy !req
479. What do you think Kerry Godliman
will do with one of these things?Copy !req
480. 'I think she'll be like that.
"Can I have this?"Copy !req
481. OK... "Free money, brilliant!"
That's what she'll do. OK.Copy !req
482. That was a terrible
impression, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
483. I think her impression of the horn
is better then her impression of me.Copy !req
484. I think so, too.Copy !req
485. You don't think that you sound like
a drunk Phil Mitchell?Copy !req
486. James, Rhod suggested that
you're struggling a bit financially.Copy !req
487. I spent 500 quid
on fizzy belts.Copy !req
488. Makes sense. Yeah?
Absolutely makes sense.Copy !req
489. All right. Well, let's see
if they got it right.Copy !req
490. I think you already knew
I was going to do this one.Copy !req
491. And I would hope that Rhod would
also know that I'd do this.Copy !req
492. Why are you doing it? Huh?
Why are you doing it?Copy !req
493. Cos I'm punk!Copy !req
494. Do you have to wear these
for that?Copy !req
495. And I think I'll just take
that tenner. OK.Copy !req
496. See you later, then.
Thanks, Kerry. Bye. Bye.Copy !req
497. Well done. So predictable.
Well done. Very predictable.Copy !req
498. So, for that, Jess and Kerry both
get five points for that,Copy !req
499. and Kerry gets £10.Copy !req
500. You want to see the rest? Yep. Yeah?Copy !req
501. OK, this is all the rest
doing all the rest. Here we go.Copy !req
502. All I've got to do is get
in to Phil Wang's head.Copy !req
503. Think about what he thinks of me.Copy !req
504. I know he's a big fan.Copy !req
505. Right.Copy !req
506. Jess Knappett...Copy !req
507. I mean, I think she'll just bite the
apple.Copy !req
508. Although...Copy !req
509. Surely everyone wants to do that?Copy !req
510. Are you changing your answer? I
feel like I am. Because...Copy !req
511. .. surely everybody wants to do that.Copy !req
512. I'm just going to do the noise
myself.Copy !req
513. Come on, Phil. Come to me.
Come to me, Phil.Copy !req
514. Wang reckons I'm going to
blow the air horn.Copy !req
515. I think Rhod Gilbert, being a proud
Welshman, is going to blowCopy !req
516. an air horn at a picture of the
Queen while screaming.Copy !req
517. Am I allowed to do it in your face?
If you want.Copy !req
518. Right, I reckon Phil...Copy !req
519. .. would do this.Copy !req
520. There is an mischievousness to
him. Naughty boy? Naughty boy!Copy !req
521. Sounds a bit seedy, doesn't it,
that?Copy !req
522. Wang!Copy !req
523. Kerry had a tough job predicting
that Phil would have done that.Copy !req
524. Yeah, of course. Of
course she did. Yeah.Copy !req
525. And you're the only person who
didn't understandCopy !req
526. the importance of predictability.Copy !req
527. Well, I presumed she knew I liked
saying my name from time to time.Copy !req
528. How would I know that? Why would I
know that? Well, it's Wang, innit?Copy !req
529. This is the...Copy !req
530. And a boy's got to eat.Copy !req
531. A naughty boy got to eat and say
Wang. Yeah.Copy !req
532. I didn't see that coming.Copy !req
533. I don't see why everyone's looking
at me like I'm the weird one, here.Copy !req
534. What it means, they are actually all
get five points - except for Jess,Copy !req
535. who gets 10, because
she is the only oneCopy !req
536. who predicted
and was predicted correctly.Copy !req
537. Let's have a look at the scoreboard.
See the scoreboard? Yeah.Copy !req
538. With those 10 points, obviously,Copy !req
539. Jess has moved to 18 points
and taken the lead.Copy !req
540. Wow. Wow.Copy !req
541. She's catchable, though.Copy !req
542. What's next, please, Alex? OK,
it's time for round one...Copy !req
543. Sorry, it's time for
Around One. Ready?Copy !req
544. Hello, hello. Hello.Copy !req
545. Bonjour. Hello, Rhod.Copy !req
546. Hello, James.Copy !req
547. "Draw the biggest and best circle."Copy !req
548. "Biggest and best circle wins."Copy !req
549. "Your circle must be completed
in one single sweep."Copy !req
550. So I'm like a... you want me to be
an enormous human compass? Mmm, OK.Copy !req
551. "You have 10 minutes. Your time
starts now."Copy !req
552. Right. I'm going to go outside.
You're coming?Copy !req
553. Could I have some chalk?Copy !req
554. There's probably some in the shed.
OK.Copy !req
555. You haven't got a roll of paper?Copy !req
556. Wallpaper would be good,
wouldn't it?Copy !req
557. No. No, no. Haven't got any of that.Copy !req
558. Well, I'm restricted by the
limitations of what you've got.Copy !req
559. Very much so.Copy !req
560. I'd be interested to see if this is
the first and only time thatCopy !req
561. you get angry about having the
things that you do restrictedCopy !req
562. by the format of this show.Copy !req
563. No, I think I get angry quite a
lot. Yeah, you do.Copy !req
564. Let's see some stuff.Copy !req
565. All right, we'll start with two
comedians who've alreadyCopy !req
566. shortened their names, but I've made
them even shorter - it's Phi and Je.Copy !req
567. Phi and Je. Ready?Copy !req
568. Would you mind if I mark straight
onto your drive?Copy !req
569. I think this will be over
quite quickly.Copy !req
570. OK.Copy !req
571. Right. Shall I go? Good luck.Copy !req
572. God, it's so much harder than
I thought it was going to be.Copy !req
573. Here we go.Copy !req
574. Oh, no!Copy !req
575. Bit of slack, there.Copy !req
576. Oh, sugar! Oh, come on, mate!Copy !req
577. Mmm.Copy !req
578. So it turns out some rocks are
better for drawing onCopy !req
579. than other rocks.Copy !req
580. That's a lovely straight line to
finish it with!Copy !req
581. I've lost pretty much all the
colour.Copy !req
582. How did that go so wrong?Copy !req
583. Ooh...Copy !req
584. Big circle. Yeah.Copy !req
585. Um, I think...
Where is it? It was here.Copy !req
586. What happened, then, Jess?Copy !req
587. My rope came loose,Copy !req
588. and that's where the straight line
began and the circle ended. Yeah.Copy !req
589. But what you did do is you chose a
writing implement that wouldCopy !req
590. make an actual mark on...
I did, yeah.Copy !req
591. I felt that was aimed at me.Copy !req
592. What did you use? It was a
marker pen.Copy !req
593. It was a highlighter. It was a
highlighter.Copy !req
594. Highlighter, sorry. It was a
highlighter.Copy !req
595. I mean, the name highlighter
promises more than it delivers.Copy !req
596. It was very unfortunate that you
cannot see my circle.Copy !req
597. I tried to measure his. Jess's was
quite easy to measure,Copy !req
598. because it had a length and breadth,
which is unusual for a circle.Copy !req
599. And hers was 38.5 square metres.
Lovely.Copy !req
600. Another part comes to an end,Copy !req
601. meaning it's time to wade through
another slurry of miserable adverts.Copy !req
602. But some belts will be won in part
four, so it's not all bad.Copy !req
603. It is part four.
What's been happening?Copy !req
604. They've been drawing circles, Greg.Copy !req
605. Well, they've been trying to draw
circles.Copy !req
606. We've seen Jess's,
we couldn't see Phil's.Copy !req
607. Next up, it's "James A Caster".Copy !req
608. What does the A stand for? Nobody
knows.Copy !req
609. It's like Michael J Fox or
Jesus H Christ. Ready?Copy !req
610. Here's his attempt.Copy !req
611. I know what I'm going to do.
You know what you're going to do?Copy !req
612. I'm going to cycle round in circles
on the bikeCopy !req
613. was spinning this round my arm.Copy !req
614. OK, well, you've got one go at
this. Good luck.Copy !req
615. Yeah? Well, good luck to you.Copy !req
616. This is how you sweep a circle. Are
you ready?Copy !req
617. Yes.Copy !req
618. You're still doing it. And look
where I landed. In a circle.Copy !req
619. Near a circle.Copy !req
620. How many circles have been
involved in this so far?Copy !req
621. There's those wheels,
already circular.Copy !req
622. This was going in circles round me,
that's a circle.Copy !req
623. I landed in the circle.Copy !req
624. It's not most circles. Huh?Copy !req
625. It's biggest and best circle.Copy !req
626. Yeah, but you add them
all up together.Copy !req
627. You should add them all up.Copy !req
628. I'll add them all up. And then
that's... that's the...Copy !req
629. .. that's the task.Copy !req
630. That was the real task. OK.
Thanks, James.Copy !req
631. I really enjoyed your circles.Copy !req
632. Thank you, Alex. Goodbye.Copy !req
633. Good evening.Copy !req
634. OK. Explain yourself.Copy !req
635. I thought... You thought,Copy !req
636. "I've been told I should draw the
biggest circle, but whatCopy !req
637. "I'm going to do is ride around
aimlessly on a bikeCopy !req
638. "whilst badly spinning a hula hoop.Copy !req
639. 'LAUGHTER
"And then I'm going to crash,
accidentally notice there's anotherCopy !req
640. "circle on the floor, and try and
claim that as part of my attempt."Copy !req
641. That's my reading of what I saw.Copy !req
642. Have you got anything different
to add?Copy !req
643. My eyes are circles?Copy !req
644. Do you want to see the last two?
Yes, of course! OK, here they are.Copy !req
645. By far the oldest people I've ever
introduced,Copy !req
646. from the current panel, it's Rhod
and Kerry.Copy !req
647. Right. Is there a map of the world
here?Copy !req
648. Do you want me to go and see if I
can find one? Yeah.Copy !req
649. Get a map of the world. That'd be
one idea.Copy !req
650. I'm limited by the size of this
table, aren't I?Copy !req
651. I can only do it as big as what I've
been given to work with.Copy !req
652. Do you want a bigger table? I want a
bigger piece of paper,Copy !req
653. if I'm honest.Copy !req
654. It's just the same thing!Copy !req
655. Jeez!Copy !req
656. Now then, it's all got to be done in
one swoop, hasn't it? Sweep. Sweep.Copy !req
657. Done.Copy !req
658. Argh!Copy !req
659. Hm. This isn't massive.Copy !req
660. I wouldn't use the word "massive"
to describe this. Mm.Copy !req
661. I mean, there's a massive surface,
white surface there,Copy !req
662. but you didn't give me options.Copy !req
663. I've just been given a pile of A4.Copy !req
664. Oh!Copy !req
665. I can go outside?
You do whatever you want, Kerry.Copy !req
666. I could draw a massive circle in the
snow. What was this about?Copy !req
667. This is a total waste of time!
Yes, six minutes. Right.Copy !req
668. Right, this is the longest
thing I can find.Copy !req
669. I've just realised I could just make
a bit of a bigger circle.Copy !req
670. Do you want me to bring
your paper out?Copy !req
671. I don't need the paper now, do I?
We've established that. OK. Ready?Copy !req
672. Yes.Copy !req
673. I'm over the moon with that!Copy !req
674. No-one's going to beat that!Copy !req
675. That is perfect!Copy !req
676. I did a circle!Copy !req
677. That is a good circle.
That is a good circle.Copy !req
678. You've got to be pleased with that,Copy !req
679. you being all smart-arsed
with your map!Copy !req
680. Kerry's circle is just wonderful.Copy !req
681. Yeah, but no-one else had snow to
play with. Exactly. It seems unfair.Copy !req
682. Exactly, Greg. I can't get penalised
for the fact it was snowing. Yes!Copy !req
683. You cheated!Copy !req
684. Technically, Rhod's without question
the biggest, if we're kind.Copy !req
685. It encompassed an area of 601,000
miles squared.Copy !req
686. Not literally though, eh?
Well, I've looked at the key...Copy !req
687. No, cos it's a crappy map!Copy !req
688. If I said, "Oh, I just walked across
the West Indies..."Copy !req
689. How, how, how dare you even speak!Copy !req
690. I mean, fair play.
The balls of the man!Copy !req
691. Start with the worst circle.Copy !req
692. Well, unbelievably I've got to
give him a point.Copy !req
693. I don't want to,
I'm absolutely furious.Copy !req
694. James found a circle, and he
can have a point.Copy !req
695. Phil did draw a circle. We couldn't
see it very well, sure.Copy !req
696. But he did draw one,
he used a good technique.Copy !req
697. Now, Jess used a good technique.Copy !req
698. It went wrong,
but we could at least see it,Copy !req
699. so I'm going to give her three
points. Three points to Jess.Copy !req
700. I enjoyed Rhod's creativity... OK.
..in creating the biggest circle,Copy !req
701. even though he didn't really, so I
give you four points. It's to scale.Copy !req
702. And, without question, the most
beautifully drawnCopy !req
703. and the best circle of all gets five
points, it was Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
704. OK. For only the second time this
series, please will you makeCopy !req
705. your way to the stage for the
final task of the show!Copy !req
706. Alex, who's for reading the
task out? Phil Wang.Copy !req
707. "Make the highest tower of cans
within your hoop.Copy !req
708. "You have 100 seconds, during which
you must also be within your hoop.Copy !req
709. "If you step out of your hoop during
the 100 secondsCopy !req
710. "you will be disqualified.Copy !req
711. "After the 100 seconds,Copy !req
712. "you must step out of your hoop and
not touch your tower again.Copy !req
713. "Highest self-supporting tower of
cans within your hoop,Copy !req
714. "10 seconds after the final whistle,
wins."Copy !req
715. OK. And remember, if you step out of
the hoop during the constructionCopy !req
716. of the tower you'll be disqualified.
Everyone ready?Copy !req
717. 100 seconds starts...Copy !req
718. That's quite a big tower.Copy !req
719. Are you trying to reach them?Copy !req
720. Be careful of this bit. Yeah.Copy !req
721. Are you still in your hoop, Phil?
I've not stepped out of it.Copy !req
722. Are you sure?Copy !req
723. Do you think that's going to stay
after the 10 seconds?Copy !req
724. Yes. 20 seconds left.Copy !req
725. Oh, no! Problems there, problems
there. Yeah. We're down.Copy !req
726. It's tight!Copy !req
727. Four, three, two, one...Copy !req
728. Step out of your hoops!
Come out of your hoops!Copy !req
729. Ooooooh!Copy !req
730. Step out of your hoop, step out of
your hoop, step out of your hoop!Copy !req
731. You've made mine fall!Copy !req
732. Three, two, one...Copy !req
733. We have a winner.Copy !req
734. Come down and let's see how that's
affected the final scores!Copy !req
735. Please "cans" you talk me through
that last task, Alex?Copy !req
736. That's really funny(!)Copy !req
737. Really funny.Copy !req
738. OK, so...Copy !req
739. James had a very tall tower, until
it was relevant, and then...Copy !req
740. .. down it went, so he came last.
One point.Copy !req
741. Jess's tumbled because...Copy !req
742. I had Acaster after-shocks.Copy !req
743. So, two points to Jess.Copy !req
744. Three points to Phil, who managed to
stack three cans in 100 seconds!Copy !req
745. But the two giants were
Rhod and Kerry,Copy !req
746. and Kerry just pipped you,
she gets five points.Copy !req
747. Lovely! OK.Copy !req
748. Which means the leaderboard is
quite exciting reading.Copy !req
749. There's a tie at the top,
the two ladies are tied on 23!Copy !req
750. Oooooh!Copy !req
751. We can't leave it like that, can we?
We've got a tie-break. Yep.Copy !req
752. The tie-break is, what number do I
have written on my left forearm?Copy !req
753. Closest answer wins. Seven. Seven.Copy !req
754. Er... 1666.Copy !req
755. Because of the fire? Jess, do you
really want to go with that?Copy !req
756. Yeah! You've got a good chance of
winning an episode here, mate.Copy !req
757. OK. We're going for seven...
1666 it is.Copy !req
758. The exact number is... Oooh! 1...Copy !req
759. Oooh! 5...Copy !req
760. 51 point...Copy !req
761. It's 28.51!Copy !req
762. 'LAUGHTER
Which means Kerry Godliman
wins the episode! Oh!Copy !req
763. My lucky number.Copy !req
764. Kerry Godliman wins the second
episode in a row.Copy !req
765. Please head up and belt up!Copy !req
766. So, what have we learned today?Copy !req
767. We've learned that Taskmaster is a
show of contrasts.Copy !req
768. Ask Jessica Knappett to impersonate
an air hornCopy !req
769. and she will delight you.Copy !req
770. Ask James Acaster to draw a circle
and he'll make you want to smashCopy !req
771. his face in.Copy !req
772. And, once again, we've learned that
Kerry Godliman is the winnerCopy !req
773. of today's show.Copy !req
774. Make your hands flat and then
connect them noisilyCopy !req
775. for good old Kerry Godliman!
Goodnight and goodbye!Copy !req