1. Ah!Copy !req
2. Ooo-ooh.Copy !req
3. No!Copy !req
4. Ah! Uh...Copy !req
5. Hello! Hello.Copy !req
6. And, in case you didn't hear me,
hello.Copy !req
7. I'm Greg Davies and this is
Taskmaster.Copy !req
8. Look at this, just look at it,
go on. Give it a real good look.Copy !req
9. Now stop looking at it.
And now, have another look.Copy !req
10. And that is the kind of utopian
future the winner of this seriesCopy !req
11. can expect - getting to do whatever
they like, whenever they like,Copy !req
12. to my head!Copy !req
13. So, let's keep
this competition goingCopy !req
14. and meet the five rambunctious
rivals.Copy !req
15. Please welcome James Acaster...Copy !req
16. .. Jessica Knappett...Copy !req
17. .. Kerry Godliman...Copy !req
18. .. Phil Wang...Copy !req
19. .. and Rhod Gilbert.Copy !req
20. And here, sat next to me,Copy !req
21. it's my hypoallergenic fuzzball
of an assistant...Copy !req
22. I wasn't expecting you
to be wearing that.Copy !req
23. I have no doubt you've got
a hilarious reason.Copy !req
24. It's the health and safety
beard snood. Right.Copy !req
25. And the rule you sent me,
through the post this time, was,Copy !req
26. when I'm preparing a meal,
if my beard is more than 2mm longCopy !req
27. I must wear the beard snood. So...Copy !req
28. .. on it goes.Copy !req
29. And you're preparing food now?
Always, mentally.Copy !req
30. Always thinking of your next meal.Copy !req
31. It's comfortable, it's made of very
soft cotton so it's quite...Copy !req
32. Oh, that is...Copy !req
33. That is going to
fucking hurt, isn't it?Copy !req
34. It already hurts a bit!
It hurts a little bit on the ears!Copy !req
35. Oh!Copy !req
36. Thank you. Thank you, Greg.
Thank you. Thank you for that.Copy !req
37. Very good. Let's crack on.Copy !req
38. Thankfully, it's now time for
the prize task and this weekCopy !req
39. we've asked them to bring in
the boldest belt.Copy !req
40. Whoever's belt you select as
the boldest will buckle up withCopy !req
41. five satisfying points
and, at the end of the episode,Copy !req
42. the person with the most points
will take home all five belts andCopy !req
43. vastly reduce the chances
of their trousers falling down.Copy !req
44. OK. Kerry, Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
45. What belt have you brought inCopy !req
46. and why do you think
it's the boldest belt?Copy !req
47. I brought in a wrestling belt,
because it's the boldest of belts,Copy !req
48. I can't think of a bolder belt
off the top of my head.Copy !req
49. And it's gold. It's massive.Copy !req
50. And, to be a wrestler, you've got to
be pretty bold, haven't you?Copy !req
51. It's gold, is it? Yeah.Copy !req
52. It cost £24.Copy !req
53. £24? Is it plastic?Copy !req
54. No, it's gold.Copy !req
55. It's actual gold.Copy !req
56. And you think gold is bold,
obviously.Copy !req
57. Rhymes. Yes.Copy !req
58. Bonus point!Copy !req
59. James,Copy !req
60. what have you brought in?Copy !req
61. Fizzy belts.Copy !req
62. Fizzy belts?Copy !req
63. Yeah, like you get in a tuck shop.Copy !req
64. Visual, please!
Fizzy rainbow belts.Copy !req
65. They're cheap. Cheap.Copy !req
66. So, I went into the tuck shop
and I said,Copy !req
67. give me £500 worth...Copy !req
68. .. of your boldest belts.Copy !req
69. And that's what they came up with.Copy !req
70. When you see it now, do you think
you might have been ripped off?Copy !req
71. When you see it laid out like that?
No, they cost a lot!Copy !req
72. The yellow bits in there,
they're gold!Copy !req
73. Jess, what is the bold belt
that you've brought in?Copy !req
74. It's a seat belt pillow.Copy !req
75. You attach it to your seat belt.Copy !req
76. Here we go,
this is the seat belt pillow.Copy !req
77. Right.Copy !req
78. So, that goes on the seat belt and
you rest your head on his head?Copy !req
79. That goes on your seat belt, or you
can just wear it driving around.Copy !req
80. I've got a review from Amazon
for this one. Oh, great.Copy !req
81. Takes really long time to arrive.
Quite poor quality.Copy !req
82. Four stars!Copy !req
83. Genuine review.Copy !req
84. Is it a belt?Copy !req
85. It's definitely a belt. It's a belt?
Yeah.Copy !req
86. It's not. It has some attachments
for you to put it onto a seat belt.Copy !req
87. I'm not going to lose this prize
task on a technicality.Copy !req
88. Oh, I mean, you 100% are going to
lose this prize task!Copy !req
89. Rhod Gilbert.Copy !req
90. I got a belt. Is it bold? Yes.Copy !req
91. Let's have a look at it.
It is bold.Copy !req
92. That is a genuine stuffed
goat's head.Copy !req
93. It's what I wear to weddings
in Wales.Copy !req
94. Jesus Christ.Copy !req
95. Have you ever worn that belt,
genuinely? I'm genuine!Copy !req
96. That's the belt I wear to weddings!
You'll see at the end of the show.Copy !req
97. Genuine, live... Not live, dead!Copy !req
98. It's not live!Copy !req
99. Phil. I've got a bold belt.Copy !req
100. I got it made, custom made,
for this very purpose.Copy !req
101. Good. Here's the belt.Copy !req
102. So, I got to pick out the belt
strap and the buckle.Copy !req
103. And this is how bold the belt was.Copy !req
104. When I asked for this combination,
the guy said, "Are you sure?"Copy !req
105. Do you want to see the guy?
So that's him actually making it.Copy !req
106. I wish I'd got the guy
killing the goat now!Copy !req
107. And I haggled with him for this,
I haggled with him. He said £50.Copy !req
108. I said 30. He said 50.
And I said 40.Copy !req
109. So I paid £50...Copy !req
110. .. which I think you'll find
is a nice, round, bold number.Copy !req
111. Right, it's time to judge them. OK.Copy !req
112. One point, James. It's not a belt.
Sweets.Copy !req
113. What?Copy !req
114. Jess, two points,
and you're lucky, it's not a belt.Copy !req
115. Oh! Kerry, three points. It's tat.Copy !req
116. At the end of the day,
if you go to the troubleCopy !req
117. to having a live goat's head
grafted onto your groin,Copy !req
118. you're going to get
five points on this show.Copy !req
119. Phil, four points.
Rhod Gilbert, five points.Copy !req
120. Belts - tick! Next task, please.Copy !req
121. Yes, and we've got some
fast fiction for you.Copy !req
122. Hi, Alex. Hello, Phil Wang.Copy !req
123. Hi, Alex Horne.
That's too close to me.Copy !req
124. Ooh.Copy !req
125. Hello, James.Copy !req
126. Write a ten-word story before
you reach the finish line.Copy !req
127. You must be running while writing.Copy !req
128. Must be.Copy !req
129. Shoot!Copy !req
130. Fastest across the finish line
with a proper story wins.Copy !req
131. What do you mean, a proper story?Copy !req
132. It's got to have a start,
middle and end.Copy !req
133. Quite... I feel quite anxious
about this one.Copy !req
134. Running and writing,
writing a ten-word story.Copy !req
135. That's counting, running
and writing.Copy !req
136. Counting, running and writing.Copy !req
137. Could you read the last line
of the task, please, Phil?Copy !req
138. Yeah, just give me a second.Copy !req
139. OK, fastest across the finish line
with a proper story wins.Copy !req
140. Your time starts...Copy !req
141. SHE SQUEAKSCopy !req
142. Pardon?Copy !req
143. Your time starts...Copy !req
144. Your time starts now!Copy !req
145. Let's get on with it.Copy !req
146. OK, well, here's everyone having
a bit of a jog and a bit of a write.Copy !req
147. Phil, can you read the last line
of... Your time starts now.Copy !req
148. Thank you, Phil.Copy !req
149. How many words? Ten, please.
I must be running what?Copy !req
150. Erm...Copy !req
151. Are you running? Yes.Copy !req
152. One, two, three, four.
There was a girl...Copy !req
153. Partridge... ran...Copy !req
154. Three-part structure.
Introduction, conflict, resolution.Copy !req
155. She needed shoes!Copy !req
156. .. and... found... its... mother...Copy !req
157. Nine, ten.Copy !req
158. .. dead!Copy !req
159. Did it say write or tell
a ten-word story?Copy !req
160. All the information's on the task.Copy !req
161. Finished? I've just remembered
it's supposed to be ten words.Copy !req
162. OK, I've got a story.Copy !req
163. You all right, Rhod?Copy !req
164. Now, then...Copy !req
165. ..it occurred to me that they didn't
actually have to start runningCopy !req
166. until they had their whole story
in their head, did they?Copy !req
167. Well, it was only running
while writing. Right.Copy !req
168. But they all just chose to get
running and...Copy !req
169. Oh, they all ran the whole time.
Yeah.Copy !req
170. Of course,
Phil Wang didn't write anything.Copy !req
171. Well, shall we start with Phil's
story and then we can debate it?Copy !req
172. Let's hear his story and then we'll
decide whether he wrote it or not.Copy !req
173. An ogre was hungry.Copy !req
174. Ate...Copy !req
175. Ate a child.Copy !req
176. It was his.Copy !req
177. Thank you, Phil.
And you've definitely written that?Copy !req
178. Well, written, you know,
write a story is not...Copy !req
179. It doesn't literally mean write.Copy !req
180. We say Homer wrote the Iliad
but we also all understand thatCopy !req
181. it was probably passed down
through oral tradition.Copy !req
182. So you've used the oral tradition?Copy !req
183. OK. I'll let him know. OK.Copy !req
184. Thank you, Phil.
All right, thanks, guys. Good story.Copy !req
185. Oh, yeah, there was
a pen and paper here.Copy !req
186. I also regret saying oral tradition
while my dick was out.Copy !req
187. So, the oral...Copy !req
188. You're using the oral tradition
of Homer's Iliad.Copy !req
189. Yeah, well,
I enjoyed that explanation.Copy !req
190. I'm tempted to buy it, you know. OK.Copy !req
191. And I think the story was
pretty powerful.Copy !req
192. Beginning - ogre was hungry.Copy !req
193. Middle - he fulfils that hunger.Copy !req
194. Twist - he's eaten his own child
which is an act of...Copy !req
195. Happiness.Copy !req
196. I didn't know you were coming to me!Copy !req
197. Well, that's enough of part one.
Good riddance, I say.Copy !req
198. Nasty piece of work.
See you in a few.Copy !req
199. Hello! I have missed you so much.Copy !req
200. You'll be glad to know its part two
and it's story time.Copy !req
201. It is! Next up,
this is Jess reading her story.Copy !req
202. The albino partridge ran awayCopy !req
203. and found its mother...Copy !req
204. .. dead.Copy !req
205. That's it. Thank you.Copy !req
206. It was a story. It was a story.Copy !req
207. Let's just drill down into
some of the detail.Copy !req
208. The albino partridge ran away.Copy !req
209. Why did it run away?Copy !req
210. Because its mother was missing?Copy !req
211. No, because it had done
some bad shit.Copy !req
212. I don't know, I haven't given it
any background!Copy !req
213. I only had ten words!Copy !req
214. Yeah, and she was very fast as well.
She was 24 seconds.Copy !req
215. Oh, well, that's impressive.
It's a fast story.Copy !req
216. My tactic was just take off,
run away like an albino partridge.Copy !req
217. Who's next?Copy !req
218. We're going to see a man
with the body of a writerCopy !req
219. and the mind of a runner.
It's James Acaster.Copy !req
220. The boy ran to France,Copy !req
221. and I loved that boy.Copy !req
222. Oh, God!Copy !req
223. Good story.Copy !req
224. Has it got a middle, that,
technically? Huh?Copy !req
225. Beginning, middle and end. Yep.Copy !req
226. There's certainly a beginning.
The boy running to France. Yes.Copy !req
227. Boy ran to France. Yes.
And. I love that boy.Copy !req
228. Boy ran to France.
Now, that's a long way.Copy !req
229. From Kettering.Copy !req
230. He was Kettering-based? Yes.Copy !req
231. I think that was implied.
Of course, sorry.Copy !req
232. Sorry. Yes.
I'm no story writer. Go on.Copy !req
233. So, when the boy started running,Copy !req
234. other people started joining the boy
running and he was inspiring people.Copy !req
235. Like Forrest Gump.Copy !req
236. Oh. Is that a thing? Yeah!Copy !req
237. He's done a lot of things,
he met the president.Copy !req
238. The president of...?Copy !req
239. Kettering. Kettering.Copy !req
240. And, when we got to France,
I knew that,Copy !req
241. just like all the other people
who followed him, I loved that boy.Copy !req
242. And then he married Jenny.Copy !req
243. OK, happy?Copy !req
244. Yeah, I couldn't be happier.
Who's next?Copy !req
245. It's Kerry Katona.Copy !req
246. Kerry Godliman.
Godliman. Godliman.Copy !req
247. It's Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
248. Right, OK.Copy !req
249. There was a girl that needed shoesCopy !req
250. and got shoes.Copy !req
251. Thanks, Kerry. Thank you. Bye-bye.
Bye.Copy !req
252. I realise it's shallow now.Copy !req
253. Not necessarily.Copy !req
254. It's about shoes.Copy !req
255. There might be a profound reason
as to why the girl wanted shoes.Copy !req
256. Yeah.Copy !req
257. She'd never had shoes
her whole life.Copy !req
258. Because of money?Copy !req
259. Money, yeah, yeah. And...Copy !req
260. She needed shoes, so there's
your set-up, there's your opening,Copy !req
261. that's your act one. Yeah.Copy !req
262. And then what did I say?
She got them.Copy !req
263. And got shoes. She got shoes.Copy !req
264. It turned out well. Yes.Copy !req
265. Happy ending.Copy !req
266. She needed the shoes.Copy !req
267. She got the shoes.
So, the middle section...Copy !req
268. No-one had to die, no-one ate a kid!Copy !req
269. And then she found money,Copy !req
270. she found some money in the street
like Willy Wonka!Copy !req
271. She found the coin.Copy !req
272. And she went, I'm going to go to
Freeman, Hardy and Willis's...Copy !req
273. And she deserved it because all
the other children who broughtCopy !req
274. those shoe coins to the shoe shop,
they didn't deserve them! Yeah!Copy !req
275. One was spoiled! One was fat!Copy !req
276. One of them got their foot trapped
in the measurer like that!Copy !req
277. That'll teach them!Copy !req
278. You've really run with that,
you've run with my story.Copy !req
279. I'm sorry, Kerry, but plagiarism
is not cool. No, I... No.Copy !req
280. So, there's one more left to see,
isn't there, Alex? That's right.Copy !req
281. And last up to the starter's line,
it's the other Mr Gilbert.Copy !req
282. How long's that?Copy !req
283. Ten minutes.Copy !req
284. And what?Copy !req
285. Four seconds.Copy !req
286. Count me.Copy !req
287. Count you? Yeah, let's have seconds.Copy !req
288. Ten seconds... Yeah.Copy !req
289. ..11... Yeah.Copy !req
290. ..12... Stop.Copy !req
291. Can you not read it yourself?
No.Copy !req
292. Do you want me to read it? Yeah.Copy !req
293. Aah...Copy !req
294. Exhaustive.Copy !req
295. The man ran...Copy !req
296. .. for exactly ten minutes...Copy !req
297. ..12 seconds...Copy !req
298. .. losing.Copy !req
299. Ten words.Copy !req
300. Thank you, Rhod.Copy !req
301. Some good counting.Copy !req
302. I mean, it's a work of art.
In many ways.Copy !req
303. There were many other entries.Copy !req
304. "Once upon a time there was
an old woman who lived in a shoe."Copy !req
305. That's 14 words and you gave up.Copy !req
306. "Good King Wenceslas looked out
but no feast. What?"Copy !req
307. And then you gave up.Copy !req
308. And then you had,Copy !req
309. "The Taskmaster fell
while trying to unzip his trousers."Copy !req
310. That's another attempt.
Nightly occurrence.Copy !req
311. Would have scored highly.Copy !req
312. But, yeah, they were all abandoned
in favour of the ten minute 12 one.Copy !req
313. I think, in their own way,
all of those stories were beautiful.Copy !req
314. I want to hear the times and that's
how we'll award the points.Copy !req
315. Let's party. Jess, 24 second story.Copy !req
316. Phil Wang, a two minute 16 story.Copy !req
317. We know Rhod of course,
a ten minute 12 story.Copy !req
318. 20 second story by James Acaster.Copy !req
319. He leapt over the gate as well.Copy !req
320. Kerry... Yes.Copy !req
321. .. much slower, 44 seconds.Copy !req
322. So, it goes one point to Rhod,
two to Phil, three to Kerry,Copy !req
323. four to Jess but five to
James Acaster who wins the trial!Copy !req
324. I smell a scoreboard. Yes.Copy !req
325. They all have six points.
So, there we go.Copy !req
326. Yeah. Amazing.Copy !req
327. Very good. Another.Copy !req
328. OK, this is big news.Copy !req
329. It's our first team task
of the series. Here we go.Copy !req
330. Hi!Copy !req
331. Ooh!Copy !req
332. What's all this?Copy !req
333. Welcome, Rhod. Thank you.Copy !req
334. Is that what Phil Wang's wearing
for the whole series?Copy !req
335. Phil, I mean,
I'm trying to keep eye contact.Copy !req
336. I'm desperately trying not to look
at your genitals.Copy !req
337. How are you? How are you?
I'm all right. How are you?Copy !req
338. Have you looked at Wang's genitals?Copy !req
339. Oh, you have now. You reckon?Copy !req
340. No, I haven't looked at them,
I'm trying not to becau...Copy !req
341. Why are you trying not to? Well,
because as soon as he approaches...Copy !req
342. Maybe that's the task.
I think that might be the task.Copy !req
343. Don't look at Wang's dick.Copy !req
344. You can both pick a card, please.Copy !req
345. Don't show me it,
or each other, yet.Copy !req
346. OK, Kerry, can you show me your
card, please? Show you? Yes, please.Copy !req
347. A five. OK. Jess?Copy !req
348. A nine.Copy !req
349. Right, that means you get this.Copy !req
350. If you want to pop that on.
Shall I take your drink?Copy !req
351. Oh, shoes!Copy !req
352. You to have to... I've got to wear
the blindfold? Yes, please.Copy !req
353. And you two get to sit on those
stools. Yes!Copy !req
354. We get a seat!Copy !req
355. You've got to be joking?Copy !req
356. That's for you, Kerry. Right.Copy !req
357. Paint the best picture of
this still life.Copy !req
358. The painter must remain
blindfolded throughout. Ha-ha!Copy !req
359. The other person may not move
from their chairCopy !req
360. and may only say
the following words.Copy !req
361. You have ten minutes.Copy !req
362. Your time starts now.Copy !req
363. OK, here is the still life.Copy !req
364. OK.Copy !req
365. That looks like you've emptied
the contents of your underpantsCopy !req
366. onto the table, Phil.Copy !req
367. Interesting difference in the
greetings between the two teams.Copy !req
368. A lovely hug from the ladiesCopy !req
369. and you exclusively talked about
Phil's dick.Copy !req
370. Good.Copy !req
371. I can honestly say, I've never been
so happy to put a blindfold on.Copy !req
372. Let's all have a little rest.
See you in a few minutes.Copy !req
373. Ah, hello!Copy !req
374. Come in, sit down and shut up.Copy !req
375. What were we doing before the break,
please, Alex?Copy !req
376. OK, this is the first ever
boys versus girls team task.Copy !req
377. Blindfolded painting using only
the official authorised words ofCopy !req
378. banana, down, left, less, more,
pick, right, up and whoops.Copy !req
379. Here we go.Copy !req
380. Guys...Copy !req
381. ..you could grab my hand and
literally make me paint it.Copy !req
382. That's not against the rules.Copy !req
383. Right. That is...Copy !req
384. .. banana!Copy !req
385. Is this the still life? Whoops!
Whoops.Copy !req
386. Banana to that last question. OK.Copy !req
387. Only those words, please, Kerry.Copy !req
388. Banana for yes.Copy !req
389. Yes.Copy !req
390. Banana.Copy !req
391. Banana, eggs.Copy !req
392. Banana. Melon.
Banana.Copy !req
393. Say more when I've got
the right place. More.Copy !req
394. OK, I'm drawing a pineapple.Copy !req
395. Down.Copy !req
396. Pick. Up.Copy !req
397. Wait...Copy !req
398. Banana, banana, banana!Copy !req
399. Banana, banana, banana.Copy !req
400. Banana! Banana, banana, banana,
banana, banana, banana.Copy !req
401. More! Less.
More. Less.Copy !req
402. More. Less.
Whoops, more, more.Copy !req
403. Right?Copy !req
404. Left. Left. Left.Copy !req
405. Banana.Copy !req
406. Melon time. Banana!Copy !req
407. Right, banana. Banana.Copy !req
408. Here?Copy !req
409. Right.Copy !req
410. Whoops. Whoops.Copy !req
411. Whoops, right, banana. Left, banana.Copy !req
412. Oh, you mean...Copy !req
413. Like that? Left banana.Copy !req
414. How's that? Banana.Copy !req
415. Yes! Banana!Copy !req
416. WHISTLECopy !req
417. More, more, more.Copy !req
418. MUMBLINGCopy !req
419. WHISTLECopy !req
420. Banana.Copy !req
421. Banana whoops.Copy !req
422. Not bad. Not bad at all.
Not bad at all.Copy !req
423. The females don't look happy.Copy !req
424. I'm livid. That's cheating,
isn't it?Copy !req
425. What? Holding the hands
and doing it on their behalf.Copy !req
426. Didn't say on the card,
didn't say anything about it.Copy !req
427. That was not the intention
of the task, was it, really?Copy !req
428. I think you've got to think outside
the box with these things.Copy !req
429. Very much so. Yeah.Copy !req
430. Well, it's delicate, isn't it?Copy !req
431. Because sometimes, ooh,
think outside the box.Copy !req
432. Other times, cheating.Copy !req
433. You want to see the picture? Yeah.Copy !req
434. Oh. Wow.Copy !req
435. Given they cheated,
I expected more. Yeah.Copy !req
436. The duck's good, mind.Copy !req
437. Yeah, the duck's good but the rest's
crap.Copy !req
438. Here's the girls'.Copy !req
439. Wow. It's good, isn't it?Copy !req
440. Which one's the picture?Copy !req
441. 'You want to see them
next to each other?
You'll have to judge them.Copy !req
442. This is the two of them.
I'm going to judge them as well.Copy !req
443. It's up to you, Greg.Copy !req
444. I think it's close but
one of the teams didn't cheat.Copy !req
445. To be fair to the boys, look at
the texture in that melon. Yeah.Copy !req
446. Look at the texture!
Look at the texture in our melon!Copy !req
447. Yours looks like spiralized
courgette!Copy !req
448. It does. All right, you've got to
score it.Copy !req
449. There's normally five points to
split between the two teams. Yeah.Copy !req
450. For me, the sheer detail
in that duck...Copy !req
451. The sheer detail in that duck...
You love that duck. .. snatches it.Copy !req
452. So I'm going to give the boys
three points and the ladies two.Copy !req
453. Three to the boys, two to the girls!Copy !req
454. Fine, thank you.Copy !req
455. More, please, more.Copy !req
456. Up more, less banana,
up less, banana, whoops!Copy !req
457. Here we go.Copy !req
458. Hi. Oh, hello.Copy !req
459. Oh, my God!
Oh, what's happened?Copy !req
460. I love these!Copy !req
461. Foghorns!Copy !req
462. SHE HONKS LIKE A HORNCopy !req
463. It's the sound of a party.Copy !req
464. Predict what Jessica Knappett...Copy !req
465. Kerry Godliman...Copy !req
466. Phil Wang...Copy !req
467. Rhod Gilbert...Copy !req
468. James Acaster will do with one
of the objectsCopy !req
469. and do something yourself with
one of the objects.Copy !req
470. You also get five points
if Rhod Gilbert...Copy !req
471. Phil Wang...Copy !req
472. Kerry Godliman...Copy !req
473. Jessica Knappett...Copy !req
474. James Acaster correctly predicts
your own action.Copy !req
475. What a good task.Copy !req
476. Right...Copy !req
477. Firstly, we should definitely
shine a light on your impression.Copy !req
478. Thank you. Perhaps you'd like
to do it live.Copy !req
479. SHE HONKS LIKE A HORNCopy !req
480. Very good.Copy !req
481. So, the idea is you want to be
predictable, and good at predicting.Copy !req
482. We're going to start with Rhod
and Jess making their prediction.Copy !req
483. 'I know what James Acaster's
going to do. That's easy.Copy !req
484. 'Acaster will take the tenner,
he's skint.Copy !req
485. What do you think Kerry Godliman
will do with one of these things?Copy !req
486. 'I think she'll be like that.
"Can I have this?"Copy !req
487. OK... "Free money, brilliant!"
That's what she'll do. OK.Copy !req
488. That was a terrible
impression, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
489. I think her impression of the horn
is better then her impression of me.Copy !req
490. I think so, too.Copy !req
491. You don't think that you sound like
a drunk Phil Mitchell?Copy !req
492. James, Rhod suggested that
you're struggling a bit financially.Copy !req
493. I spent 500 quid
on fizzy belts.Copy !req
494. Makes sense. Yeah?
Absolutely makes sense.Copy !req
495. All right. Well, let's see
if they got it right.Copy !req
496. I think you already knew
I was going to do this one.Copy !req
497. And I would hope that Rhod would
also know that I'd do this.Copy !req
498. Why are you doing it? Huh?
Why are you doing it?Copy !req
499. Cos I'm punk!Copy !req
500. AIR HORN SOUNDS QUIETLYCopy !req
501. Do you have to wear these
for that?Copy !req
502. And I think I'll just take
that tenner. OK.Copy !req
503. See you later, then.
Thanks, Kerry. Bye. Bye.Copy !req
504. Well done. So predictable.
Well done. Very predictable.Copy !req
505. So, for that, Jess and Kerry both
get five points for that,Copy !req
506. and Kerry gets £10.Copy !req
507. You want to see the rest? Yep. Yeah?Copy !req
508. OK, this is all the rest
doing all the rest. Here we go.Copy !req
509. All I've got to do is get
in to Phil Wang's head.Copy !req
510. Think about what he thinks of me.Copy !req
511. I know he's a big fan.Copy !req
512. Right.Copy !req
513. Jess Knappett...Copy !req
514. I mean, I think she'll just bite the
apple.Copy !req
515. Although...Copy !req
516. Surely everyone wants to do that?Copy !req
517. Are you changing your answer? I
feel like I am. Because...Copy !req
518. .. surely everybody wants to do that.Copy !req
519. I'm just going to do the noise
myself.Copy !req
520. JESS IMITATES AIR HORNCopy !req
521. BELL DINGSCopy !req
522. Come on, Phil. Come to me.
Come to me, Phil.Copy !req
523. Wang reckons I'm going to
blow the air horn.Copy !req
524. I think Rhod Gilbert, being a proud
Welshman, is going to blowCopy !req
525. an air horn at a picture of the
Queen while screaming.Copy !req
526. Am I allowed to do it in your face?
If you want.Copy !req
527. AIR HORN BLARESCopy !req
528. BELL DINGSCopy !req
529. Right, I reckon Phil...Copy !req
530. .. would do this.Copy !req
531. There is an mischievousness to
him. Naughty boy? Naughty boy!Copy !req
532. Sounds a bit seedy, doesn't it,
that?Copy !req
533. Wang!Copy !req
534. KLAXON SOUNDSCopy !req
535. Kerry had a tough job predicting
that Phil would have done that.Copy !req
536. Yeah, of course. Of
course she did. Yeah.Copy !req
537. And you're the only person who
didn't understandCopy !req
538. the importance of predictability.Copy !req
539. Well, I presumed she knew I liked
saying my name from time to time.Copy !req
540. How would I know that? Why would I
know that? Well, it's Wang, innit?Copy !req
541. This is the...Copy !req
542. And a boy's got to eat.Copy !req
543. A naughty boy got to eat and say
Wang. Yeah.Copy !req
544. I didn't see that coming.Copy !req
545. I don't see why everyone's looking
at me like I'm the weird one, here.Copy !req
546. What it means, they are actually all
get five points - except for Jess,Copy !req
547. who gets 10, because
she is the only oneCopy !req
548. who predicted
and was predicted correctly.Copy !req
549. Let's have a look at the scoreboard.
See the scoreboard? Yeah.Copy !req
550. With those 10 points, obviously,Copy !req
551. Jess has moved to 18 points
and taken the lead.Copy !req
552. Wow. Wow.Copy !req
553. JESS IMITATES AIR HORNCopy !req
554. She's catchable, though.Copy !req
555. What's next, please, Alex? OK,
it's time for round one...Copy !req
556. Sorry, it's time for
Around One. Ready?Copy !req
557. Hello, hello. Hello.Copy !req
558. Bonjour. Hello, Rhod.Copy !req
559. Hello, James.Copy !req
560. "Draw the biggest and best circle."Copy !req
561. "Biggest and best circle wins."Copy !req
562. "Your circle must be completed
in one single sweep."Copy !req
563. So I'm like a... you want me to be
an enormous human compass? Mmm, OK.Copy !req
564. "You have 10 minutes. Your time
starts now."Copy !req
565. Right. I'm going to go outside.
You're coming?Copy !req
566. Could I have some chalk?Copy !req
567. There's probably some in the shed.
OK.Copy !req
568. You haven't got a roll of paper?Copy !req
569. Wallpaper would be good,
wouldn't it?Copy !req
570. No. No, no. Haven't got any of that.Copy !req
571. Well, I'm restricted by the
limitations of what you've got.Copy !req
572. Very much so.Copy !req
573. I'd be interested to see if this is
the first and only time thatCopy !req
574. you get angry about having the
things that you do restrictedCopy !req
575. by the format of this show.Copy !req
576. No, I think I get angry quite a
lot. Yeah, you do.Copy !req
577. Let's see some stuff.Copy !req
578. All right, we'll start with two
comedians who've alreadyCopy !req
579. shortened their names, but I've made
them even shorter - it's Phi and Je.Copy !req
580. Phi and Je. Ready?Copy !req
581. Would you mind if I mark straight
onto your drive?Copy !req
582. I think this will be over
quite quickly.Copy !req
583. OK.Copy !req
584. Right. Shall I go? Good luck.Copy !req
585. God, it's so much harder than
I thought it was going to be.Copy !req
586. Here we go.Copy !req
587. Oh, no!Copy !req
588. Bit of slack, there.Copy !req
589. Oh, sugar! Oh, come on, mate!Copy !req
590. Mmm.Copy !req
591. So it turns out some rocks are
better for drawing onCopy !req
592. than other rocks.Copy !req
593. That's a lovely straight line to
finish it with!Copy !req
594. I've lost pretty much all the
colour.Copy !req
595. How did that go so wrong?Copy !req
596. Ooh...Copy !req
597. Big circle. Yeah.Copy !req
598. Um, I think...
Where is it? It was here.Copy !req
599. What happened, then, Jess?Copy !req
600. My rope came loose,Copy !req
601. and that's where the straight line
began and the circle ended. Yeah.Copy !req
602. But what you did do is you chose a
writing implement that wouldCopy !req
603. make an actual mark on...
I did, yeah.Copy !req
604. I felt that was aimed at me.Copy !req
605. What did you use? It was a
marker pen.Copy !req
606. It was a highlighter. It was a
highlighter.Copy !req
607. Highlighter, sorry. It was a
highlighter.Copy !req
608. I mean, the name highlighter
promises more than it delivers.Copy !req
609. It was very unfortunate that you
cannot see my circle.Copy !req
610. I tried to measure his. Jess's was
quite easy to measure,Copy !req
611. because it had a length and breadth,
which is unusual for a circle.Copy !req
612. And hers was 38.5 square metres.
Lovely.Copy !req
613. Another part comes to an end,Copy !req
614. meaning it's time to wade through
another slurry of miserable adverts.Copy !req
615. But some belts will be won in part
four, so it's not all bad.Copy !req
616. It is part four.
What's been happening?Copy !req
617. They've been drawing circles, Greg.Copy !req
618. Well, they've been trying to draw
circles.Copy !req
619. We've seen Jess's,
we couldn't see Phil's.Copy !req
620. Next up, it's "James A Caster".Copy !req
621. What does the A stand for? Nobody
knows.Copy !req
622. It's like Michael J Fox or
Jesus H Christ. Ready?Copy !req
623. Here's his attempt.Copy !req
624. I know what I'm going to do.
You know what you're going to do?Copy !req
625. I'm going to cycle round in circles
on the bikeCopy !req
626. was spinning this round my arm.Copy !req
627. OK, well, you've got one go at
this. Good luck.Copy !req
628. Yeah? Well, good luck to you.Copy !req
629. This is how you sweep a circle. Are
you ready?Copy !req
630. Yes.Copy !req
631. You're still doing it. And look
where I landed. In a circle.Copy !req
632. Near a circle.Copy !req
633. How many circles have been
involved in this so far?Copy !req
634. There's those wheels,
already circular.Copy !req
635. This was going in circles round me,
that's a circle.Copy !req
636. I landed in the circle.Copy !req
637. It's not most circles. Huh?Copy !req
638. It's biggest and best circle.Copy !req
639. Yeah, but you add them
all up together.Copy !req
640. You should add them all up.Copy !req
641. I'll add them all up. And then
that's... that's the...Copy !req
642. .. that's the task.Copy !req
643. That was the real task. OK.
Thanks, James.Copy !req
644. I really enjoyed your circles.Copy !req
645. Thank you, Alex. Goodbye.Copy !req
646. Good evening.Copy !req
647. OK. Explain yourself.Copy !req
648. I thought... You thought,Copy !req
649. "I've been told I should draw the
biggest circle, but whatCopy !req
650. "I'm going to do is ride around
aimlessly on a bikeCopy !req
651. "whilst badly spinning a hula hoop.Copy !req
652. 'LAUGHTER
"And then I'm going to crash,
accidentally notice there's anotherCopy !req
653. "circle on the floor, and try and
claim that as part of my attempt."Copy !req
654. That's my reading of what I saw.Copy !req
655. Have you got anything different
to add?Copy !req
656. My eyes are circles?Copy !req
657. Do you want to see the last two?
Yes, of course! OK, here they are.Copy !req
658. By far the oldest people I've ever
introduced,Copy !req
659. from the current panel, it's Rhod
and Kerry.Copy !req
660. Right. Is there a map of the world
here?Copy !req
661. Do you want me to go and see if I
can find one? Yeah.Copy !req
662. Get a map of the world. That'd be
one idea.Copy !req
663. I'm limited by the size of this
table, aren't I?Copy !req
664. I can only do it as big as what I've
been given to work with.Copy !req
665. Do you want a bigger table? I want a
bigger piece of paper,Copy !req
666. if I'm honest.Copy !req
667. It's just the same thing!Copy !req
668. Jeez!Copy !req
669. Now then, it's all got to be done in
one swoop, hasn't it? Sweep. Sweep.Copy !req
670. Done.Copy !req
671. Argh!Copy !req
672. Hm. This isn't massive.Copy !req
673. I wouldn't use the word "massive"
to describe this. Mm.Copy !req
674. I mean, there's a massive surface,
white surface there,Copy !req
675. but you didn't give me options.Copy !req
676. I've just been given a pile of A4.Copy !req
677. Oh!Copy !req
678. I can go outside?
You do whatever you want, Kerry.Copy !req
679. I could draw a massive circle in the
snow. What was this about?Copy !req
680. This is a total waste of time!
Yes, six minutes. Right.Copy !req
681. Right, this is the longest
thing I can find.Copy !req
682. I've just realised I could just make
a bit of a bigger circle.Copy !req
683. Do you want me to bring
your paper out?Copy !req
684. I don't need the paper now, do I?
We've established that. OK. Ready?Copy !req
685. Yes.Copy !req
686. I'm over the moon with that!Copy !req
687. No-one's going to beat that!Copy !req
688. That is perfect!Copy !req
689. I did a circle!Copy !req
690. That is a good circle.
That is a good circle.Copy !req
691. You've got to be pleased with that,Copy !req
692. you being all smart-arsed
with your map!Copy !req
693. Kerry's circle is just wonderful.Copy !req
694. Yeah, but no-one else had snow to
play with. Exactly. It seems unfair.Copy !req
695. Exactly, Greg. I can't get penalised
for the fact it was snowing. Yes!Copy !req
696. You cheated!Copy !req
697. Technically, Rhod's without question
the biggest, if we're kind.Copy !req
698. It encompassed an area of 601,000
miles squared.Copy !req
699. Not literally though, eh?
Well, I've looked at the key...Copy !req
700. No, cos it's a crappy map!Copy !req
701. If I said, "Oh, I just walked across
the West Indies..."Copy !req
702. How, how, how dare you even speak!Copy !req
703. I mean, fair play.
The balls of the man!Copy !req
704. Start with the worst circle.Copy !req
705. Well, unbelievably I've got to
give him a point.Copy !req
706. I don't want to,
I'm absolutely furious.Copy !req
707. James found a circle, and he
can have a point.Copy !req
708. Phil did draw a circle. We couldn't
see it very well, sure.Copy !req
709. But he did draw one,
he used a good technique.Copy !req
710. Now, Jess used a good technique.Copy !req
711. It went wrong,
but we could at least see it,Copy !req
712. so I'm going to give her three
points. Three points to Jess.Copy !req
713. I enjoyed Rhod's creativity... OK.
..in creating the biggest circle,Copy !req
714. even though he didn't really, so I
give you four points. It's to scale.Copy !req
715. And, without question, the most
beautifully drawnCopy !req
716. and the best circle of all gets five
points, it was Kerry Godliman.Copy !req
717. OK. For only the second time this
series, please will you makeCopy !req
718. your way to the stage for the
final task of the show!Copy !req
719. Alex, who's for reading the
task out? Phil Wang.Copy !req
720. "Make the highest tower of cans
within your hoop.Copy !req
721. "You have 100 seconds, during which
you must also be within your hoop.Copy !req
722. "If you step out of your hoop during
the 100 secondsCopy !req
723. "you will be disqualified.Copy !req
724. "After the 100 seconds,Copy !req
725. "you must step out of your hoop and
not touch your tower again.Copy !req
726. "Highest self-supporting tower of
cans within your hoop,Copy !req
727. "10 seconds after the final whistle,
wins."Copy !req
728. OK. And remember, if you step out of
the hoop during the constructionCopy !req
729. of the tower you'll be disqualified.
Everyone ready?Copy !req
730. 100 seconds starts...
BLOWS WHISTLECopy !req
731. That's quite a big tower.Copy !req
732. Are you trying to reach them?Copy !req
733. Be careful of this bit. Yeah.Copy !req
734. Are you still in your hoop, Phil?
I've not stepped out of it.Copy !req
735. Are you sure?Copy !req
736. Do you think that's going to stay
after the 10 seconds?Copy !req
737. Yes. 20 seconds left.Copy !req
738. Oh, no! Problems there, problems
there. Yeah. We're down.Copy !req
739. It's tight!Copy !req
740. Four, three, two, one...Copy !req
741. BLOW WHISTLECopy !req
742. Step out of your hoops!
Come out of your hoops!Copy !req
743. Ooooooh!Copy !req
744. Step out of your hoop, step out of
your hoop, step out of your hoop!Copy !req
745. You've made mine fall!Copy !req
746. Three, two, one...Copy !req
747. WHISTLE
We have a winner.Copy !req
748. Come down and let's see how that's
affected the final scores!Copy !req
749. Please "cans" you talk me through
that last task, Alex?Copy !req
750. That's really funny(!)Copy !req
751. Really funny.Copy !req
752. OK, so...Copy !req
753. James had a very tall tower, until
it was relevant, and then...Copy !req
754. .. down it went, so he came last.
One point.Copy !req
755. Jess's tumbled because...Copy !req
756. I had Acaster after-shocks.Copy !req
757. So, two points to Jess.Copy !req
758. Three points to Phil, who managed to
stack three cans in 100 seconds!Copy !req
759. But the two giants were
Rhod and Kerry,Copy !req
760. and Kerry just pipped you,
she gets five points.Copy !req
761. Lovely! OK.Copy !req
762. Which means the leaderboard is
quite exciting reading.Copy !req
763. There's a tie at the top,
the two ladies are tied on 23!Copy !req
764. Oooooh!Copy !req
765. We can't leave it like that, can we?
We've got a tie-break. Yep.Copy !req
766. The tie-break is, what number do I
have written on my left forearm?Copy !req
767. Closest answer wins. Seven. Seven.Copy !req
768. Er... 1666.Copy !req
769. Because of the fire? Jess, do you
really want to go with that?Copy !req
770. Yeah! You've got a good chance of
winning an episode here, mate.Copy !req
771. OK. We're going for seven...
1666 it is.Copy !req
772. The exact number is... Oooh! 1...Copy !req
773. Oooh! 5...Copy !req
774. 51 point...Copy !req
775. It's 28.51!Copy !req
776. 'LAUGHTER
Which means Kerry Godliman
wins the episode! Oh!Copy !req
777. My lucky number.Copy !req
778. Kerry Godliman wins the second
episode in a row.Copy !req
779. Please head up and belt up!Copy !req
780. So, what have we learned today?Copy !req
781. We've learned that Taskmaster is a
show of contrasts.Copy !req
782. Ask Jessica Knappett to impersonate
an air hornCopy !req
783. and she will delight you.Copy !req
784. Ask James Acaster to draw a circle
and he'll make you want to smashCopy !req
785. his face in.Copy !req
786. And, once again, we've learned that
Kerry Godliman is the winnerCopy !req
787. of today's show.Copy !req
788. Make your hands flat and then
connect them noisilyCopy !req
789. for good old Kerry Godliman!
Goodnight and goodbye!Copy !req