Taskmaster 7x10

1. HE BELLOWS

2. Ah!

3. Woo-oh!

4. BLASTS HORN

5. No!

6. Arghh!

7. Aghhhh!

8. Hello and the warmest of welcomes

9. to the Taskmaster Series 7 Grand Final!

10. I, Greg Davies, will be your linchpin, carrying you through

11. the closing stages of the competition, all the way up

12. to its dramatic climax. So, for the last time,

13. please scream your thoraxes apart for...

14. James Acaster...

15. .. Jessica Knappett...

16. .. Kerry Godliman...

17. .. Phil Wang...

18. .. and Rhod Gilbert.

19. And here is the boss of the boring.

20. And now only a couple of decades from his first-ever pay rise.

21. Ladies and gentlemen, for the last time this series, ooh, who is it?

22. TICK-TICK—TICK!

23. It's little Alex Horne!

24. Prize task? Yes.

25. And as it's the final, we always come up with a profound

26. and challenging prize category,

27. so we've asked them to bring in their most magnificent stationery.

28. You're going to give the owner

29. of the most magnificent stationery five points, then at the end

30. of the episode the winner will need an industrial-sized pencil case

31. to take home all their prizes.

32. Stationery? Yes. Jessica Knappett.

33. Boy, are you in for a treat?

34. I videoed my favourite pencil for you.

35. This is a video of Jess's magnificent stationery.

36. Guess...

37. Guess what? Go on.

38. I haven't!

39. That does raise you up in my estimation!

40. Phil.

41. You wanted magnificent stationery, so I went out and I got you

42. custom-made, a solid gold pen.

43. Whoo!

44. Here it is. One pen.

45. Solid. It's gold. It's a pen.

46. I went to a man called Smith for this, a blacksmith!

47. Well, I was going to say,

48. I know the work of a master craftsman when I see one.

49. Pure gold and you can tell because, it's actually,

50. if you hit the next image, there, Alex... The next image.

51. There.

52. Oh, OK.

53. And you're not allowed to put that on any old thing.

54. It is a lovely piece of artisan craftsmanship and thanks

55. for making such a great effort for this television show. For the final.

56. The final of this television show.

57. OK, Kerry.

58. This was really hard for me because I love stationery.

59. I love... What, you think I don't?

60. Well, I don't know if you love it as much as me. Oh, I do.

61. Because I love it the most. Yeah? Right. I think I know what it is.

62. As a stationery connoisseur, your instinct tells me, because I

63. know what the king of the stationery items is...

64. Wouldn't it be wonderful if it's the same thing? I genuinely don't know

65. what you brought in. Shall we say it together? Yes.

66. One, two, three...

67. A laminator!

68. No!

69. Yes! There it is.

70. Laminator.

71. I tell you something...

72. ..call it gut instinct,

73. you and I are the only people in this room excited

74. 'by the laminator. I'm getting that, no-one else knows what we're talking about.

75. It's going to play into your hand, though. Hey, Rhod... Yeah.

76. ..a laminator's going to take some beating.

77. I've taken a slightly different approach

78. and my favourite TV programme

79. used to be Gladiators, Greg.

80. And my favourite character was Hole Punch and I've brought in

81. a picture of Hole Punch off Gladiators, Greg. Let's see it.

82. Ah, for God's sake.

83. Yes, let's see Hole Punch from Gladiators, please, Alex.

84. There's Hole Punch, there he is.

85. I didn't say when they would be.

86. Or where they will take place.

87. But there will be physical consequences.

88. Pressure's on, James. It's the final show.

89. Celebration.

90. So, I have brought in a pencil cake!

91. Here's James's pencil cake!

92. That is difficult, isn't it?

93. When is a bit of stationery not a bit of stationery?

94. When it's a big cake!

95. I don't see what the problem is. We've all got eyes.

96. Can I ask what section of the supermarket did you buy it from?

97. Stationery.

98. Fair enough. OK.

99. I'm going to give one point to this prick.

100. One point to Rhod. One point to Rhod. OK.

101. Two points because I almost fell asleep just looking at the

102. picture, boring pencil girl.

103. That's a lovely song. Thank you very much.

104. You loved it at the time. James...

105. ..I don't know, I don't know if it's a pencil or a cake.

106. I want to stick both in my mouth but I'm only giving you three points.

107. Fair play. OK, Phil...

108. ..I'm giving you four points

109. for your pen that was badly wrapped in foil. You want to know why? Why?

110. Because I feel sorry for you.

111. And it goes without saying my new best friend...

112. .. the Laminating Queen - five fat points.

113. There we go.

114. Come on, let's get going, competition proper. OK, Greg,

115. but I'm afraid this is only the mere beginnings of a task.

116. Are you ready? Ahhh... Here it is.

117. Come in.

118. Oh, hello. Hello. Hello. Welcome. Thanks.

119. Was a good one. Oh.

120. When you hear this siren...

121. During a future task...

122. Put on a boiler suit and lie flat on the ground.

123. Boiler...

124. .. suit on.

125. Now.

126. That's how I'll remember it. OK.

127. You may not touch or move a boiler suit until the siren sounds.

128. Fastest wins.

129. Do you understand the task?

130. Yeah, not a fucking idiot!

131. You going to wait there, are you? Until the siren sounds. OK.

132. It might not happen today. I think it will.

133. Play the waiting game.

134. Bye, Rhod. See you later.

135. How long did he stand there for? Genuinely 20 minutes. Incredible.

136. Cameras cut.

137. Was it? We just left you there. We were quite worried.

138. Because I guess we assumed that you would assume it wasn't going to be

139. in the immediately next task. Just like everyone else, except you.

140. More of that later.

141. Yes. But for now, a Taskmaster staple - eggs!

142. Hi, James. A bunch of eggs.

143. Hi, James.

144. Hungry?

145. Not for an egg.

146. Find the boiled egg.

147. 'You may touch two eggs.

148. 'You may damage two eggs.

149. You may not damage the boiled egg.

150. 'You may touch two eggs. You may damage two eggs.

151. So I can damage two and touch two. But you can only touch two.

152. Fastest wins. Your time starts now.

153. Find the boiled egg.

154. Wait.

155. Oh.

156. It's quite hard.

157. But easy to find the boiled egg, isn't it?

158. Obviously you can spin it, couldn't you? Spin it.

159. 'Spin the boiled egg, stop it. What will it do? It'll stop. Stop immediately.

160. An unboiled egg will... Spin it. .. carry on spinning.

161. The stuff inside the egg keeps it spinning. We all know that. Yeah!

162. 'Or you could put it in... Saltwater. It'll float, won't it? Yeah. Everyone knows that. What?

163. D'you want to which method they used? Yeah, yeah.

164. The first to try to identify the boiled egg are Kerry Godliman

165. and Jessica Knappett and Rhod Gilbert.

166. Not the boiled egg. Why do you think that's not the boiled egg?

167. I just...

168. It's a good question.

169. Back in the game.

170. 'Rejecting that one?

171. Rejection on account of weight. Too light.

172. Yeah, that's boiled. Want me to stop the clock? Oh, no, it's not real.

173. Oh...

174. 'I've touched that one but I've found out it's made of rubber. Yes.

175. Therefore, it's not an egg.

176. Rejection.

177. 'On account of not being an actual egg.

178. That was really light. And you touched it.

179. Well, I might as well damage it. Right, why not?

180. I can damage two eggs. I haven't damaged any eggs yet. Correct.

181. 'Is it a hard-boiled egg or a soft boiled egg?

182. I have to pick one that's boiled

183. without touching it. OK.

184. You can damage one if you want.

185. But then, what if it's the boiled one?

186. Ahh.

187. I've damaged an egg. And it might be the boiled egg.

188. Have you damaged that? Yes.

189. Do you know what, though? What?

190. I think this might be the boiled egg.

191. That was the boiled egg!

192. Oh, no!

193. Right, well...

194. You only touched and damaged the boiled egg.

195. If we imagine them as egg detectives. OK.

196. Professional egg detectives.

197. Were there any methods you saw being used there

198. that would impress you at an egg crime scene?

199. I think my egg detection was quite good, but I just accidentally

200. tampered with the evidence!

201. In what sense? In that you... I broke the victim.

202. What are you, some sort of fucking egg whisperer?

203. I'm going to level with you. I found that quite upsetting.

204. It was like watching a stranger, frankly.

205. OK. The first time I've seen your approach towards these tasks

206. which is get in, do the job, bosh, get out. Yeah. Failed dramatically.

207. I think it failed bad!

208. It was the fist that I went for that was really... barbaric.

209. Yeah. Just a load of eggs, though, innit? It's not just a load of eggs.

210. I'd lined them up alphabetically.

211. It was air, boiled, clingfilm, dummy, eggs (quails) fresh...

212. There is... Oh, God, there was a logic to it.

213. You can't just come in and go bosh and start smashing things.

214. No, just read the eggs. Friends and lovers, it's the end of part one.

215. 'We have three parts left together. Let's not waste them. See you backstage.

216. Hello and welcome back to the Taskmaster Series 7 final.

217. Tenterhooks, that's what we're on.

218. Remind us how we're filling the final full of glamour

219. and splendour, Alex. Well, there are six eggs

220. and they're trying to work out

221. which is the boiled one. That's right. We've blown a very,

222. very small percentage of the budget on this one. All the more for you.

223. That's what you say, isn't it?

224. Kerry, Rhod and Jess have been rubbish but it ain't over yet.

225. James and Phil are next to investigate. Here we go!

226. So that could still be a boiled egg that's been painted red.

227. Boiled in clingfilm.

228. I guess you could boil that.

229. That is not an egg.

230. That's made of rubber or some shit.

231. I'll take that out of the equation.

232. That's not touching the egg, I'm touching the egg cup. Suck it.

233. I think this feels more boiled than this one.

234. No!

235. That's embarrassing.

236. Touching the clingfilm, not the egg.

237. Can hear it gooping. Gooping? Yeah.

238. That egg's hollow.

239. That's a shell. Didn't touch it.

240. I'm going to crack this one.

241. Urgh, it's a raw egg.

242. That was good news, that's good news, I can eliminate that one.

243. You can damage one more egg. That's an egg shell, not an egg.

244. Damaged was no eggs yet.

245. Oh. It's feeling solid.

246. Is that a real egg?

247. OK. That's not an egg.

248. That's not a hard-boiled egg. Have you damaged it?

249. Yes.

250. This, this would be the boiled egg. Have you damaged it?

251. The shell is a bit cracked. The egg is fine.

252. 'In that case, it's between this one and that one.

253. It's this one. That's the hard-boiled egg.

254. According to my records, that is your fifth use of your catchphrase,

255. "suck it"... Yep. .. for the series.

256. The new catchphrase was born during that.

257. "I can hear it gooping!"

258. Phil... Oh, God!

259. I'd completely forgotten what I did in this task.

260. And now I realise why I blocked it out of my memory.

261. After one minute Phil pointed at the red one and said, "That one's red."

262. It was. It's not wrong.

263. Timing-wise, James was both the fastest and the slowest because

264. he was the only one who actually completed the task. Four minutes 51.

265. Five fat points. To James Acaster. James gets five points.

266. Score them, please, Alex. I'm going to just hint at the series score.

267. I don't want to give anything away at this stage, except that

268. Phil is now 30 points behind his rivals.

269. Then we have two people in joint third and two people in joint first.

270. It's me and you. No, it's not any more.

271. But in this particular episode, with a towering eight points,

272. the reader is Mr James Acaster.

273. Very good. Do we have time for another one?

274. We have time for two nother one. But first of all...

275. First of all, we get to see the official Taskmaster

276. computer hub, at last. Here we go.

277. Yes!

278. I don't play video games. I don't know how to do them.

279. That's you two on the screen there.

280. Me and the Taskmaster.

281. You and the patron saint of pastry.

282. Oh, no way!

283. Look at us all.

284. That's me. Select.

285. There I am. Oh, God. Where am I going?

286. Oh, wow.

287. Oh, it's the house. HE GIGGLES

288. You got my skin tone just right.

289. OK.

290. Oh, no way!

291. Come find the task on the table.

292. Oh, my God!

293. Oh, that better not be who I think it is. Hello.

294. Who is that? Is that you? Yes. So I just... Hey!

295. Physically recreate a classic computer game.

296. Best recreation wins, you have one hour.

297. I'm way out of my depth here.

298. Your time starts now.

299. I don't want to mess this up.

300. Because it's a dream come true.

301. This is potentially one of my favourite tasks of all time.

302. I am fizzing with excitement,

303. much as Phil was when he walked into the room.

304. "Yeah!"

305. The cry of the nerd.

306. Look, I just want to get on with it

307. because I'm excited to see what they did.

308. OK. First up, let's start with Jessica Knappett.

309. A-three, two, one...

310. Go!

311. Woohoo!

312. Nyooow!

313. Argh!

314. Yeah!

315. Victory!

316. Very good.

317. That is awesome.

318. Isn't it? It was awesome to do.

319. It's the first time I've been allowed to have fun in the show.

320. I mean, tick. Thanks. Who's next?

321. Next up, we're going to see a computer game noob, Rhod Gilbert.

322. Uh-oh.

323. Is anybody not happy to kneel and wear a box on their head?

324. My memory of the game isn't that great, but as I remember it,

325. you guys shuffle like this.

326. OK, let's have you bending down a little bit more.

327. Try and keep your rows, we're losing formation here. Come on.

328. You, sir, are shit.

329. Pew, pew-pew, pew, pew!

330. Pew, pew-pew, pew, pew!

331. Good, good. OK.

332. In positions. Squat.

333. Boom, boom, boom, boom...

334. Pew, pew-pew, pew, pew!

335. Keep it going!

336. Pew, pew-pew, pew, pew!

337. Keep the noises coming.

338. Oh!

339. Keep the noises going.

340. Boom, boom, boom, boom!

341. Keep the noise coming!

342. Pew, pew-pew, pew, pew!

343. Oh!

344. Thank you.

345. Well done.

346. Wow.

347. That's insane.

348. It's insane.

349. The only thing that has taken off it for me,

350. as it often is with your tasks, is I get drawn into watching you

351. try to physically recover after a tiny amount of exercise.

352. It was actually a lot more physical than it looked.

353. I was entertaining myself with a little extra layer of

354. seeing how many of them I could hit in the plums.

355. And on the second to last one, you audibly heard it as well.

356. You heard him go, "Oooh!"

357. As a spectacle, Jesus Christ, incredible. Mm-hmm.

358. An incredible video game. Who's next?

359. Now it's someone who I know genuinely owns his own computer.

360. It's Phil Wang.

361. GREG WHISTLES

362. ALARM BLARES

363. Yeah!

364. Incredible reworking of GoldenEye.

365. Again, not a game I've particularly played.

366. Do the characters walk around like T-Rexes? Yeah.

367. Yeah, that was a shot-for-shot recreation of the original.

368. That's precisely how they move. He was dressed as...

369. Oddjob. Oddjob. Oddjob.

370. And I was James Bond cos I'm so cool.

371. Why not, you know, in a James Bond story,

372. just set everything in one room? Why not?

373. Hello, want to see someone win a pencil cake?

374. Are you that kind of person?

375. Then come back for part three of the final and we'll see what we can do.

376. Hello! Welcome to the penultimate part of this all-star final.

377. Just one more wodge of loathsome adverts to go, thank God.

378. But on a lighter note, weren't we watching a highly creative task

379. before the break, Alex? You mean like physically recreating

380. a classic computer game, that sort of thing?

381. Well, it is that sort of thing, it's exactly that sort of thing,

382. and here is Kerry Godliman's sort of thing.

383. SHE HUMS A TUNE

384. Oh!

385. Oh, just in time. Yeah.

386. Can I make it go where I want it to go?

387. Yeah, but you're not allowed to sing the theme tune any more

388. in case we can't clear it. OK.

389. Rules...

390. I'm not sure about that.

391. That's got to be allowed, hasn't it?

392. Oh, that's a line now. Yeah, it's a line.

393. This is chaos now.

394. Now I can't...

395. No, I'm not happy now, because now there's no winning.

396. If there's no winning, there's no point.

397. Oh! That's it. No.

398. Yes, it is. No.

399. I'm going to start speeding up.

400. Oh, no, that's not fair! That's not nice.

401. This is what happens.

402. Oh, no!

403. No!

404. You're spoiling my game!

405. Kerry, you've lost, game over. I didn't lose.

406. You didn't win. No.

407. Thanks, Kerry.

408. Not happy.

409. Really wound me up.

410. In keeping with your approach to things. What do we need for this?

411. Bricks, get them in. Bosh. I enjoyed it.

412. I've got to say, I quite enjoyed being the person

413. who pushed the bricks into Tetris.

414. I think that's quite a good metaphor for my role in the show.

415. You were going way too fast and you wound me up, to be honest.

416. Yes, yes. It was quite stressful. That was the bit I enjoyed.

417. Yeah, I sensed that. Amazing, as they all have been.

418. This is going to be the worst one ever to judge.

419. Yeah, they've been solid. Let's hope that James's is absolutely shit.

420. He's dressed appropriately tonight. It is GTAcaster.

421. Ready? Yes.

422. BEEP, BEEP!

423. TYRES SCREECH Come here!

424. Come here!

425. BELL RINGS

426. Fuck you!

427. Hey!

428. Oh, no, it's the cops!

429. Fuck you! Pardon? ROCKET BLASTS

430. Oh! Ooh!

431. Ah, argh!

432. There is a man who has played a lot of Grand Theft Auto.

433. Yes.

434. All done within an hour? Yeah, all done within an hour.

435. They weren't real guns. No, no, I gathered.

436. We made them up with cardboard but they looked real, didn't they?

437. And I just wanted to beat Alex up in as many ways as possible.

438. Yeah, well, everyone wants that.

439. Do you want to score these? Yeah, I mean...

440. Oh, God, this is such an awful job when they're good.

441. It's much better when you're rubbish.

442. OK, I'm going to give Kerry two points because she was frustrated

443. by the game that she created and physically threw herself on it. OK.

444. I cannot separate Phil and Jess.

445. I thought they were both beautiful updates of classics.

446. Rhod, a magnificent four points,

447. because I thought it was a visual feast to mine eyes.

448. And I'm going to give five points to James because after

449. seeing that, I'm not 100% convinced that he isn't a character

450. from a computer game.

451. A phenomenal performance, James Acaster.

452. Thank you.

453. Very good. Well done, everybody. Amazing. Next task, please.

454. I think you mean last task, please.

455. And I'm afraid it's one that's a little bit ropey.

456. Argh!

457. Ahhhh!

458. Argh!

459. Alex. Phil.

460. Have a seat.

461. Ahem.

462. Tie yourself up as securely as possible.

463. Where do you get off on this stuff? I'm just doing what I'm told.

464. Is it sexual?

465. Slowest to be released by Alex wins.

466. You have 10 minutes.

467. Your time starts now.

468. Right, rope.

469. Good. Is it sexual?

470. No, it's just a task based on how you make me go to sleep every night.

471. You say, "Tie yourself up, go to sleep,"

472. and then you untie me in the morning. Crack on with sleep. Yeah.

473. Good. Who are we going to see first?

474. Here is James Acaster getting himself tied in knots.

475. Now, it doesn't say to the chair, does it?

476. No, so that's there like a decoy.

477. Tying yourself up is a bit tricky, isn't it?

478. Where's the goddamn end of this?

479. It's insane what you can get people to do, isn't it?

480. Tie yourself up? All right, no questions asked.

481. Now, why have I gone for my feet first?

482. ALARM BLARES

483. Oh, shit.

484. Oh, no! Argh!

485. You piece of shit, Alex!

486. This is the worst one so for! OK.

487. OK. Oh...

488. Oh, this is the worst day of my life.

489. Fuck you. Oh...

490. Fucking arseholes.

491. Oh, goddammit.

492. OK, thank you, James.

493. You've got two minutes, 14 to finish off your tying up. What?

494. What are you talking about?

495. Well, I've still got to try to untie you.

496. Why should I still have to do that?

497. It's the task, James, isn't it?

498. I was doing so well with that. How did I not see that coming?

499. I'd completely forgotten about that. 50 seconds.

500. 50 seconds...

501. Oh, no.

502. WHISTLE BLOWS

503. In my estimation, this is the third time during this series

504. we've seen James Acaster genuinely angry.

505. When they did it, I was, like, I was very furious,

506. but I was thinking, "Oh, this will be good."

507. Fair enough.

508. Alex, how long after was it?

509. I can tell you that for all five people,

510. the alarm goes off five minutes into the ten minutes of tying up.

511. Completely fair. Who are we going to see tying themselves up next?

512. Well, the question is, will the next three also fall for our trick?

513. Here is Gullible Godliman, Naive Knappett and Fool Wang.

514. Ready? Here we go.

515. How can I make this harder for you?

516. I think I'll tie myself to the chair.

517. How can I make this harder?

518. Just lots and lots of knots.

519. How much time do I have left? Six minutes.

520. I haven't thought this through.

521. What's this?

522. Oh! Oh!

523. No!

524. No, that's not fair. That's not fair.

525. Is that the...?

526. Right...

527. Well, maybe I can get both my legs in one leg.

528. Which I can!

529. That's completely unreasonable. Why's that?

530. Well, you have to untie me.

531. I can't untie you till 4¼ minutes is up.

532. Well, that's not fair!

533. Clearly on the ground.

534. By the time I'm out of this one, I'll have lost that one.

535. I might as well do this one... Right.

536. .. and then afterwards go and get the boiler suit on.

537. Yeah, I'm really pissed off.

538. Jess, I've stopped that clock.

539. Now you've 2 minutes 20 to finish off tying yourself up. OK.

540. 2¼ minutes till I come and rescue you. Um...

541. Well, I've tied myself up now. There's not more I can achieve.

542. Gosh.

543. WHISTLE BLOWS

544. WHISTLE BLOWS

545. Right, I've untied you. I'm stopping that clock.

546. How long ago did it go?

547. SHE CRIES STROPPILY

548. Are you done?

549. That was quick.

550. Oh, don't patronise me.

551. That wasn't part of the task, was it?

552. That was just full-on kid hissy fit on the floor. Yeah.

553. "WAAAH!"

554. It's fair to say that, throughout the series,

555. Phil has really had much of a sense of urgency, even under the...

556. But it really paid off for you this time.

557. For once, being really shit at one task

558. automatically make me suddenly good at another.

559. The difference between your reaction to the siren

560. and the other two as well was like, "No! Oh, God!"

561. And you were like, "Yep, OK."

562. Also, we had been warned. I don't know why you guys were so surprised.

563. Jess, pleased with that?

564. I felt like when the alarm went off, it was really just... admiration.

565. And it was only when I was writhing around on the floor,

566. trying to get into that boiler suit... Sheer panic struck, right?

567. That was the moment where I remembered

568. that my agent told me it would be a good career opportunity.

569. Just one little old part left.

570. One last desperate scramble for points.

571. And let me tell you something...

572. Closer.

573. Closer!

574. ..I love you.

575. Hello! And welcome back for the last time to Taskmaster Series 7.

576. It's the final part of the series!

577. What a shame and how sad.

578. The task currently in play is a special double one.

579. First, they had to tie themselves up, then a siren went off,

580. which meant they had to untie themselves and put a boiler suit on.

581. Then they had to tie themselves up again.

582. Finally, here is Rhod's interpretation of the task.

583. Ha-ha-ha!

584. OK.

585. Alex, would you, er... Would you sit there, please?

586. Seven minutes to go, Rhod.

587. Yeah, that's OK.

588. That's quite tight. That's quite tight? Yeah.

589. That's fine. As long as you can breathe, that should be fine.

590. Have you done this before? Yeah.

591. How's that?

592. Quite tight?

593. Yeah, that's tight. That's all nice and tight?

594. What's that noise?

595. That's the siren.

596. Is that just a local noise? No. What siren?

597. What siren is that?

598. You had to do something when a siren sounded.

599. Yes, there's two tasks on ago now, isn't there? Yeah.

600. This is the problem, isn't it?

601. Right. Just lie on the ground, wasn't it?

602. OK, I've stopped the clock for that task now. You've completed that one.

603. The boiler suit? That's done. OK.

604. Now I'm going to untie you in 1 minute 55 seconds. OK.

605. Pop your hand in there. My shoe? Yeah.

606. 40 seconds... 40... Oh, I don't know how long there is left.

607. I'm going to count. 35 seconds. 31, 30. Thank you.

608. Hang on a minute, then.

609. I'm blowing my whistle.

610. OK, yeah, blow your whistle now. ALEX WHISTLES

611. OK, I'm coming to untie you. Yeah, I'm tied up.

612. I'm going to go and get a hot drink. I'm coming.

613. You're coming for me, are you? Yeah.

614. I'm going to untie you any second now.

615. Do you want something for lunch? Yes, please. What would you like?

616. Something sharp. OK.

617. I'll get you.

618. I suppose you're going to have a go at me and shout and scream

619. and accuse me of cheating. No, that was fucking kick-ass. Genius.

620. It was genius. Rhod, that is absolutely genius. Yeah.

621. I would love to hate that. We'd love to hate that.

622. But that was fucking great. It was brilliant.

623. Thank you very much.

624. I think your team-mates are right to praise you,

625. because it was mightily impressive.

626. But the thing that I noticed,

627. above and beyond how clever your response was,

628. is how cold you were.

629. Just a psychopath.

630. There was no need to put a bucket on his head, was there? That was...

631. No. Thank you, Kerry. .. way beyond the brief.

632. Or a hat on the bucket. Yeah.

633. I never actually untied him.

634. He untied himself in the end and then came and untied me.

635. Got to be a bonus point.

636. No. No. Oh, come on! No, no, no.

637. So the timings were, in terms of me untying them...

638. ..I untied Phil in 1 minute.

639. 2 minutes 45, I untied Kerry.

640. 2 minutes 46, I untied Jess. Oof!

641. James, eight minutes five seconds because of the gaffer.

642. But Rhod... He untied me.

643. OK, so it goes five to Rhod, four to James, three to Jess,

644. two to Kerry, one point to Phil.

645. But in the other one, Kerry was the slowest, obviously,

646. to put on the boiler suit. 8 minutes 30. One point.

647. James, 2 minutes 46. Two points.

648. Jess, 2 minutes 36. Three points.

649. Rhod, four points with 2 minutes 22.

650. But Phil wins five points for putting the boiler suit on

651. in 1 minute 14. That is...

652. ..a points extravaganza!

653. Well, then. There's only one chance left snatch some points.

654. So please abandon your chairs,

655. head to the stage for the final task of the series.

656. Enjoyable already.

657. Who's going to read the task out? James?

658. Would you like me to open it for you? No.

659. "Prod the person in front of you with either a finger or a sausage.

660. "If the product person guesses incorrectly

661. "whether they were prodded by a finger or a sausage,

662. "they get eliminated.

663. "Last prodded prodder standing wins." OK?

664. So it's a classic game of Sausage Or Finger? right?

665. Rhod, please face forward with your blindfold on.

666. You're just about to be prodded by Wang.

667. OK, Phil, I'm ready.

668. Rhod... Lovely technique.

669. Oh, this is dangerous. Sausage!

670. Ooh! Oh!

671. Oh, he's fallen!

672. No!

673. No. Ah-ha-ha-ha! Afraid so. I'm afraid so.

674. You cold-fingered freak!

675. That was classic Sausage Or Finger?

676. You are now going to touch Jessica's hand

677. with either a sausage or a finger.

678. Classic competition conditions.

679. Oh. Ooh!

680. Sneaky little fucker, aren't you?

681. Jessica, sausage or finger? Oh-h-h-h-h!

682. Finger. She's gone. Oh! She's gone.

683. No! Yeah. She has gone.

684. OK then, James, please prod Kerry's neck.

685. What, am I putting this on? Yes, please.

686. I have to focus, James.

687. Sausage. It was a sausage, it was a sausage.

688. Classic sabotage.

689. Blindfold on, please. Yeah. OK, off you go.

690. Phil?

691. Finger.

692. He's gone!

693. He's gone! Argh! He's gone!

694. The Iceman's gone. We have a showdown.

695. At this point, I will ask you both

696. to stand either side of the middle circle, and face each other.

697. Looks like we've got ourselves a sausage fight.

698. If you could stand there. I tell you, since I last saw you,

699. we've had very different times, haven't we?

700. We're going to do one at a time now.

701. It's sudden death, which means it's time for the forehead round.

702. Here we go. James... prod first.

703. HE MOUTHS Finger.

704. It was finger. It was finger. Great. OK.

705. Let's play.

706. Sausage. Kerry Godliman's the winner!

707. Ah-hoo-hoo-hoo!

708. That's so cold. It's over!

709. Come down and join me.

710. And a new international sport is born. Sausage Fingers.

711. So there was one winner. Well, of course.

712. It was the Sausage Queen, Kerry, with five points.

713. She gets five points!

714. And what's that's done to the scoreboard?

715. Well, they're all in double figures,

716. but there is one outright leader,

717. and that man is Mr James Acaster with 19 points.

718. James Acaster wins. Go and scoop up your magnificent stationery.

719. Only a matter of moments until we find out the series champion.

720. But, for now, let's allow James Acaster

721. to enjoy his moment once more.

722. James Acaster!

723. It was a cake!

724. Hello, you dear, doting viewers.

725. Sadly, we've come to the end of the seventh series.

726. But there is only one golden head.

727. So there can be only one golden winner.

728. It's now that I refer to my chief of numbers to reveal the final scores.

729. Little Alex Horne...

730. what do you know?

731. Thank you, Greg.

732. So, in last place, or fifth place -

733. but it is last place - with 133...

734. And I think it's worth saying he didn't win any episodes

735. but he never did that badly,

736. so I think he deserves an enormous ovation.

737. ..Mr Phil Wang with 135.

738. In fourth, and then third, with 165 then 167 points...

739. .. please give it up for, in fourth place, James,

740. and in third place, Rhod Gilbert.

741. I can now reveal that this has been the closest series

742. in Taskmaster history, with just one point separating...

743. Oh-ho-ho! Ooh!

744. .. first and second place. Imagine!

745. With 175 points, in second place...

746. ..it's Jessica Knappett.

747. I knew it.

748. Well done, mate.

749. Your Series 7 Taskmaster Champion is Kerry Godliman!

750. 176!

751. God. Congratulations. Thank you. Congratulations, Kerry.

752. Thank you very much.

753. Whoo! Kerry Godliman!

754. Thank you so much for watching.

755. Thank you, Little Alex Horne, for being so little.

756. Thank you again to our stupendous cast

757. and, of course, colossal congratulations to Kerry Godliman

758. for becoming series champion!

759. Series 8 is next. Fancy that? We'll see you there.