Taskmaster 7x1

1. Hello and hello, too.

2. I am Greg Davies, welcome to yet another series of Taskmaster.

3. We have an incredible new fivesome awaiting patiently for me

4. to get this series under the way. Are you ready?

5. Yes!

6. 'Please meet the five people competing to win my ginormous, gilded noddle.

7. They are James Acaster...

8. .. Jessica Knappett...

9. .. Kerry Godliman...

10. .. Phil Wang...

11. .. and Rhod Gilbert.

12. 'And next to me - he looks after the fact and figures, but I have full control over his salary.

13. He is little, he's Alex. He's Alex Horne. He's little Alex Horne.

14. Thank you.

15. Hello Greg. Hello. Thank you for having me back.

16. I've been very busy. Yeah? Since we've been away.

17. 'What have you been up to? I've downloaded quite a bit of the Internet. Yep.

18. And I've been doing some research into you.

19. You're a comedian. Correct.

20. You used to be a teacher.

21. Over six foot. You don't have any pets, yet. Yet.

22. You're a Taurus. OK, on with the show.

23. We're going to start with the prize task, if that's all right, Greg.

24. Each competitor brings in something for the prize pot.

25. At the end of the episode, the winner takes home all of the things.

26. 'That's how it works. The first prize category for our fledgling competitors is...

27. The thing that most people would like to touch.

28. I'm going to start with old James, there. Hello.

29. What did you bring in that you think I'd like to touch?

30. MC Hammer.

31. He released a song...

32. 'Called Can't Touch This. Can't Touch This. And that made a lot of people want to touch it.

33. 'We haven't got the actual MC himself, we have a representation of the MC.

34. Yes. So there it is.

35. If you saw that on the street, you would think it was him.

36. Oh, God, you would. Especially if he was one-dimensional

37. and stayed absolutely perfectly still.

38. 'Can I say, I think he is two-dimensional. It is two-dimensional, you're right.

39. What do you think the "this" that MC Hammer was referring to was?

40. A two-dimensional cardboard cut-out of himself.

41. Do you want to see what Jess has brought in? Yes. Let's move on.

42. It could complement James's quite nicely.

43. Gut instinct says it's not going to.

44. Let's have a look.

45. Don't tell me you don't want to touch that!

46. Is the sign saying don't touch the sign,

47. or is it saying don't touch something else.

48. Because otherwise, I don't see the point in the sign.

49. I thought about this. I thought about this.

50. Normally it would be next to something that you can't touch.

51. 'But... I think that's more likely, rather than the sign having an existential crisis.

52. I think I'm having an existential crisis.

53. 'OK. So, do not touch. Makes me want to touch... No, it doesn't. Kerry, what did you bring in?

54. A Newton's cradle.

55. Interesting. Clicky thing. I know what they are. OK.

56. We can see a picture of the Newton's cradle.

57. 'Also called an executive ball clicker, which is what you call me.

58. That is what they're called.

59. It's interesting, I've got a personal connection

60. with this executive toy,

61. because I requested one in 1981 from my mother

62. 'and she refused to buy me one, because she thought it was pointless.

63. But that's the joy of it, it's pointless.

64. Correct. That's the joy of it, old woman.

65. Anyway, when I got my first job in 1990

66. I bought myself one and, tragically,

67. the end of the story is it was very disappointing to touch.

68. No.

69. I'll tell you now, it's the best one yet.

70. Oh, come on. Oh come on, last place.

71. Phil? I have gone more of a classic route.

72. I have got a little toy chariot with a man driving it. Absolute classic.

73. Here is the toy.

74. 'There is a little switch on the side. Yes, there is a button that you'd want to touch.

75. 'There's a button. If there's a button, you would want to touch that to see what happens.

76. Yeah. Do you want me to show you what happens

77. when you touch the button? Of course I do. OK.

78. I bought it in Indonesia. Yeah. So it's exotic. It's...

79. I haggled for this.

80. The guy in the market said, "100,000 rupiah,"

81. then I said, "50,000."

82. And he said, "100,000". And I said, "70,000," and he said, "100,000,"

83. so I paid 100,000...

84. Rhod. Let's see the first picture,

85. because there's a series of pictures. It's a journey.

86. There's the first.

87. OK, so that's you. How old are you there? About 17. About 17, yeah.

88. Let's see the next picture. OK.

89. Because... Urgh!

90. ..I went to the trouble of knocking up a replica...

91. .. of your childhood teddy bear, whose name was...

92. BT, Blue Ted. BT, Blue Ted.

93. And I know how much you enjoyed touching...

94. I should explain, for anyone who doesn't understand.

95. Yeah, please explain. When I was a teenager,

96. during a particularly unfulfilling frisky period in my life,

97. I did have relations with a bear...

98. .. that my mother had made for me.

99. We can see sort of the area that you were interested in.

100. The horrible thing is, I don't know what happened to BT.

101. He could still be around. I think we all know what happened to BT!

102. All right. Where do you want to start, first or last?

103. In last place. It's just a sign.

104. And I want to say this early doors,

105. Jess told me before the show that it's her dad's opinion

106. that I penalise females on this show.

107. And what's his name? Peter.

108. Peter, looks like it's fucking true, doesn't it?

109. In joint second to last place, with two points.

110. Two points. Each. Each, yes.

111. I'm going to put Kerry, because I despise women.

112. Joint second to last, I'm going to put it with James's MC Hammer,

113. because I don't want to touch MC Hammer

114. or a cardboard cut-out of MC Hammer.

115. In second place, with four points, because I cannot deny my past,

116. it's Rhod Gilbert. Cos wherever you are, BT, I do miss touching you.

117. And in first place, inexplicably,

118. because I don't know why I want to touch that toy, it's Phil Wang.

119. Good, we're off. And have you got something nice for us, Alex?

120. I thought it was about time for a change. OK. OK.

121. Hi, Rhod. All right, mate? You all right?

122. Is that a wig? My hat? Oh, it's a hat, is it? Fine.

123. Hi, Kerry. Hello, Alex. How are you? I'm all right.

124. Hello. Hello.

125. Do you like it? Is it a clue? Yes. Oh!

126. You ready? OK. It's just up here...

127. There we go.

128. That... Now that, that is amazing.

129. Yeah? Absolutely, 100%. Nice little hat. Thank you. OK, what happened?

130. That was amazing.

131. Design and demonstrate the best quick-change outfit.

132. I don't know what that means.

133. The best and quickest quick-change outfit wins. You have one hour.

134. Your time starts now.

135. Velcro is going to be a key player. OK.

136. Right, I know what I'm going to do.

137. Let me think, can I have a few minutes to think?

138. Poncho... Fwap... Fwap...

139. And then...

140. Pwap pwap? It's Mandarin.

141. Pwap pwap? Pwap pwap.

142. Who's first? Well, we're going to see them all in real-time,

143. the quick changes. Pwap pwap! So bear that in mind.

144. They will be in real-time.

145. And first, I hope she doesn't mind me calling her this,

146. it's Jessica Knappett.

147. When you're ready, Jessica. I'm ready.

148. Can you, like, give it some theatre, Alex?

149. Give it some welly.

150. Here we go.

151. Oh, yeah. Man, that is incredible.

152. We are off to an absolute cracking start.

153. The weird thing is, I did actually wear that underneath

154. my real wedding dress when I got married. Now, that's interesting.

155. Because it had not occurred to me that your first outfit was a bride.

156. How did you not see the veil over my face? What did you think it was?

157. I just thought she was some ghostly apparition.

158. Was that real-time? It was quick, as well. The change was quick.

159. Four seconds exactly. Was that real-time?

160. Butterflies take two weeks.

161. Well, I'm pleased to say that it's time for

162. the first ad break of the series. Join us in part two

163. to see Kerry and Phil's quick change attempts. Bye-bye!

164. Hello, and welcome back to this,

165. first episode of the seventh ever series of Taskmaster.

166. They're getting changed, Alex. Well, you told them to, Greg, so, yes.

167. The new cast are currently trying to demonstrate the art of quick-change.

168. Who's next? It's Rhod's attempt. Here we go.

169. Alex.

170. So what I want to do...

171. ..is that we're both going to go from bikini

172. to a one-piece swimming costume.

173. So one of us is going to lose our top,

174. and one of us is going to lose our bottoms.

175. Bottoms? Yeah.

176. By now, you may be thinking,

177. it's probably going to be you that loses the bottoms, right?

178. I wasn't thinking that. Well, you should start thinking that.

179. Right. Yeah?

180. I'm going to be removing your panties.

181. Yes, you are. So you're going to be removing my top. Yeah.

182. And what are you removing? I'll be removing your panties.

183. We will be calling them panties.

184. I believe that. OK. Are you ready? No.

185. So, this is... Wait!

186. We're going for the quickest change.

187. So if you'd like to take my straps.

188. There should be one up there, I think, and one down the back.

189. I've got you.

190. And I've got you. After three, quick costume change. Mm-hmm.

191. I'm ready.

192. On the count of three.

193. One, two, three. Go!

194. Stop the clock. How was that?

195. It felt quite quick.

196. Mine came straight off, yours was a bit more of a struggle. Yeah.

197. I certainly had the hard part. Done.

198. That's it. Wanna shake hands? No...

199. No, no!

200. Now, I've know you for a number of years, and I'm surprised to learn

201. that you refer to women's downstairs garments as panties.

202. Downstairs garments isn't much better. No, it isn't!

203. All right.

204. I really enjoyed that, obviously. It's ridiculous.

205. I put it to you, Rhod, that is not a quick-change outfit. What, why not?

206. They used to have quick-change artists on '70s television

207. all the time as I remember. I realise...

208. You didn't have someone who just came on and pulled their pants down.

209. Mr Benn would have been a lot better show if he'd done that.

210. It was quick, though, it was just under four seconds,

211. 3.8. Jot that down, Greg. I will.

212. I will, and I will submit this paper to the police.

213. Who's next? Well, he's quick-witted, is he quick-kitted?

214. It's James Acaster next.

215. Welcome to the kitchen.

216. I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.

217. Oh, hi. I didn't see you there.

218. Welcome to the kitchen.

219. I'll slip into something more comfortable.

220. My third outfit.

221. Three outfits.

222. Was it a change, do you think? Yeah. Did you change?

223. I was starting off as a groom, and I turned into a bride.

224. Just a bit of narrative to it. So, like...

225. ..to start off, you know, there's a guy, he's like,

226. "Welcome to the kitchen." Yeah.

227. And then a sexy lady comes out

228. and then a boy is born. At the end.

229. Is that the child of...? Yeah, I was a little boy at the end.

230. Was that really the narrative or have you just made that up?

231. I just had to make it up, I'm trying to get points. Yeah, yeah.

232. Who's next?

233. Next we've got Kerry Godliman,

234. who, weirdly, is genuinely my cousin's favourite comedian.

235. Ready, steady, go!

236. That's it!

237. Now, that is what I'm talking about.

238. That is a quick-change outfit.

239. Velcro is key. It is.

240. I don't know what to say other than it was absolutely perfect.

241. Absolutely spot-on. Wow.

242. Thank you, thanks.

243. I mean, you could have saved yourself a lot of time,

244. I imagine, just by wearing a bikini and pulling your bottoms off.

245. That's gonna take some beating. Yeah.

246. Well, 3.8 seconds was Rhod, that was 3.6 seconds.

247. So it was the quickest so far. It's tight, isn't it?

248. There is still Phil Wang to go.

249. Phil Wang, can he romp in and steal it last minute? Let's have a look.

250. He's got 3.6 seconds to beat. It's the one and only Phil Wang.

251. Hello, Alex.

252. So, you know when they go to the races at Ascot,

253. the ladies always have, like, a special outfit,

254. so we've got a little Ascot hat here.

255. Lovely summer dress. And stockings.

256. I'll start the clock... OK.

257. .. when you go back inside the house. And, change.

258. Poncho...

259. 15 seconds.

260. Gloves.

261. Costume two.

262. This is a gardening outfit.

263. You've got a comfy gardening skirt,

264. poncho, and you've got the stockings have become gardening gloves.

265. Thank you, Phil. Thank you, Alex.

266. I thought it wasn't just quickest, it was also best.

267. Oh, it was the dictionary definition of fwap fwap.

268. What I was going for was the biggest possible change in costume.

269. Geographically speaking.

270. So you had from Ascot races, to, like, a Mexican poncho.

271. Is that what they do in Mexico,

272. instead of gloves, they use stockings?

273. In Mexico? I don't know, I haven't been, but I presume...

274. I thought it was rubbish.

275. There's just no sense of urgency whatsoever.

276. Tell me the timings, because I think we're going to largely do it

277. on timings because most of them were impressive outfits.

278. Well, Phil was 45 seconds and then we drop down to five seconds

279. for James, four seconds for Jess, 3.8 for Rhod, 3.6 for Kerry.

280. Right, I think it's only fair, we have to penalise Rhod to a degree.

281. No. Because you just took a man's pants off.

282. I'm going to knock him down one place. OK.

283. I think that's fair. So one point to Phil?

284. One point to Phil, two points to James, three points to Rhod,

285. four points to Jess and five points to Kerry.

286. There, let it be so.

287. Over the moon!

288. Can we see the first scoreboard of series seven, please, Alex?

289. Well, James had four, but Kerry and Rhod are the leaders on seven!

290. Another task, please, Alex.

291. OK, for this one, we took the kids to the woods for assembly.

292. Hello, Kerry. Hello.

293. Hello, Phil. Alex, how are you? Ow!

294. Be careful of the holly. Yeah.

295. Hi, James. The goddamn stingers.

296. There's stinging nettles and there's a frigging hollybush.

297. And thorny branches. Where do you get off? Welcome to the glade.

298. Oh...

299. Build the highest tower?

300. You have five minutes from when your first box is assembled.

301. And a maximum time of 20 minutes from now.

302. I hate making boxes.

303. Why? Well, I just know I can't really do it.

304. We probably should briefly drill down into your history of

305. making boxes. It's actually, there's a knack to it.

306. When have you had to do it? Well, work. Yeah.

307. Sometimes, they're like, "Jess, go in the back, make up a box."

308. What?

309. When I worked in a hospital, OK? I had to make some boxes there.

310. Oh, God. Go in the back and make the boxes? Well, we used...

311. Are you sure you were employed at this hospital?

312. No...

313. OK, Phil, I'm going to be the first one to address it.

314. It's the first time we've seen your outfit full-length. Yeah.

315. How are you feeling about it?

316. Well, it's... it's Bruce Lee's Game Of Death outfit. Sure.

317. And yet, that's not what I see.

318. I saw a game of death.

319. I just wanted to make an homage

320. to one of the greatest Asian entertainers in history,

321. and also you get to see my dick and halls. Yeah.

322. Uh-oh, break time, good luck. Bye-bye!

323. Hi, watchers, it's part three of this seventh series of Taskmaster.

324. Alex, what's been going on?

325. Well, Greg, we've had some quick changes,

326. and now they're building towers.

327. It's basically a creche.

328. Can I reiterate the rules, is that all right? Yeah, if you want to.

329. Because they have 20 minutes to build a tower,

330. but only five minutes from when they correctly assemble their first box.

331. Yeah. So they could take the 20 minutes and not make any boxes,

332. but once you've made a box, you have five minutes from then. Sure.

333. OK? Yes. Thank you, I understand.

334. OK, we're going to start off with James and Kerry.

335. Different genders, the same agendas.

336. One. OK, you've got five minutes from now.

337. There's got to be a build a box and climb a tree and put it in the tree.

338. Can I run up that one?

339. How quick can I run up there?

340. No, absolutely not.

341. Yeah, now I can't reach the top.

342. I could throw it up.

343. Have we got any rope?

344. How do you get the flaps to stay down?

345. Have you got any sticky tape then? On me?

346. Can you hold the other end of that, please? Thank you, Alex.

347. No!

348. You've got five minutes. Oh, shit, that is too high.

349. No!

350. Get them up! There!

351. There's got to be another way.

352. I think this is as good as it's going to get.

353. Yeah.

354. What do you want me to do, throw the rope over and then pull the box?

355. That's what most people do, isn't it?

356. Of course, that's why you make the rope in the first place.

357. You've got 40 seconds. Please!

358. 10 seconds, James.

359. Agh! I stepped on the rope.

360. Stay up there!

361. Measure it.

362. When I blew the whistle, it was on the floor, James.

363. I guess the first thing to do

364. would be for us to establish what a tower is.

365. Yeah, a tower. A tower is a tall, narrow building, either freestanding

366. or forming part of a building such as a church or a castle. Right.

367. Tall and narrow. Thank you. Kerry. What was he doing? I don't know.

368. Believe me, we're coming onto that.

369. I think, "Oh, I've got it wrong." No, no, you haven't. Right.

370. This is my point. OK.

371. My point is, it was the most straightforward approach,

372. you thought, well, I'll make boxes

373. because they will certainly stack on top of each other.

374. I'm presuming this is your thinking. What else would I have done?

375. Well, we're coming onto that.

376. And what's wrong with you?

377. I mean, the first thing you tried to do, and I genuinely believe

378. you were trying to do this, is to run up a tree.

379. Yes. That didn't work, and then you invented gaffer rope.

380. Now, fair play to you, I enjoyed your song. Yeah!

381. That was off-the-cuff. No way! Yeah, yeah.

382. What were you trying to do?

383. The box would have made a tower by itself. Right.

384. And then I get it in the tree, and then it's taller than anyone else's

385. towers could have possibly got to, and then that's the tallest tower.

386. If you were walking through a wood and you saw a box up there,

387. you'd think, "Oh, look at that tower!"

388. Just like, Rhod, if I saw someone pull their pants down,

389. I wouldn't go, "Nice change."

390. That is more of a tower than what you did to him.

391. Who's next?

392. Next up are two giants from the world of phallic nicknames,

393. it's Rhod and Wang.

394. I studied engineering at University. What did you get?

395. I completed the degree.

396. So, I haven't started the clock yet because they're not boxes yet.

397. No, I realise that.

398. Only a fool would assemble their first box quickly.

399. Is that a box? No, it's not a box because it's...

400. ..open this side. OK.

401. What we need is some natural internal scaffolding.

402. NIS? Yes, NIS.

403. They're definitely not open boxes. No.

404. Well, an open box is not a complete box.

405. You know how if you open a car door,

406. it's not technically a car until the door's closed.

407. Oh, just got a bloody big bend in it.

408. Does that matter if it's got a big bend in it?

409. Oh. Balls.

410. The NIS is ruining this.

411. 10 minutes left.

412. Aggh!

413. OK.

414. Oh, no!

415. Ugh. Another go, quick.

416. Get it in amongst the foliage! In amongst the foliage!

417. In amongst the foliage!

418. That's all right, that. Pretty tall. Finished? I'm done.

419. That is self standing tower.

420. I didn't see the... It's all tape.

421. I can smell controversy over this.

422. Rhod's tower was not, it wasn't freestanding.

423. A tower doesn't need to be freestanding,

424. have you not been listening to the definitions given out by Alex Horne?

425. So why did you say at the end of your bit, "That's freestanding"?

426. Just for a laugh. Just for a laugh.

427. Well, come on, Phil, that was a box.

428. No, it wasn't. Yeah, that was a box, mate.

429. You were hoisted by your own car analogy and you know it.

430. That I did for laughs. But...

431. Greg, can I say something here?

432. Because I'm with Phil on this, I don't thing that was a box.

433. I'm weighing in on your side. Thank you, Rhod.

434. And I don't think that was a tower.

435. That's what happens.

436. And you've been hoisted... All right, Michael Gove.

437. I mean, an open box is a box, I'm sorry, Phil.

438. Five minutes after assembling one box,

439. he'd still just assembled one box. So it's the height of a box.

440. With the flaps open, though, so it's 75 centimetres.

441. Oh, God, that does seem mean. Wait, what?

442. After five minutes, you'd only assembled one box,

443. despite the eventual colossal tower.

444. Oh, dear. That's what comes of being an absolute tosser.

445. Backstabbing little shit.

446. Ohh! Oh, dear.

447. Right, well, Rhod created NIS. Natural internal scaffolding.

448. Something like that. It was faultless.

449. But, surely,

450. the professional box builder is absolutely

451. going to teach us all how to do this. No...

452. I wasn't very good at making boxes in a professional capacity

453. when required to.

454. And yet you were repeatedly sent into the back room of a hospital.

455. Let's see. Here is Jessica Knappett.

456. Oh, God.

457. This is the obvious thing to do.

458. We'll pop that there.

459. To sort of give it some stability.

460. No, I'm not. Um...

461. What would an architect do?

462. Dig down. We haven't got time.

463. We've got trees here.

464. Yes. Durrr!

465. The problem is getting up there.

466. I can assist. OK, OK, OK.

467. And then just drop it here.

468. Watch your feet.

469. Alex!

470. It's normally one, two...

471. .. three.

472. Right.

473. This will be a bit taller now.

474. That's quite high.

475. I'm leaving it there. I don't care what you say.

476. Four minutes.

477. So, I am using a box after all.

478. You've got two minutes and 10 seconds. Right, fine.

479. Whoa! You've got 15 seconds.

480. OK, well, that's it for me.

481. Thanks, Jess.

482. Aw!

483. I elicited a lot of sympathy there. That is an interesting twist.

484. Just on that basis alone. Yeah, you did it terribly, and yet...

485. So bad. Everyone was openly laughing at James and Phil.

486. But just, "Awwww!" for me.

487. So, Greg, James's was the smallest,

488. because it was just a box, so he gets one point.

489. Phil was a box with a flap, so two points.

490. Then we have Jess, three points,

491. Kerry's was just three metres

492. but that's four points.

493. Rhod Gilbert had 4.28 metres,

494. so he wins the task and gets five points.

495. Good. Let's have another task.

496. OK, this one involves one of your favourite pastimes.

497. It's estimating girth.

498. Ooh! Hello.

499. Hi, James.

500. Don't like the look of this one.

501. Work out the circumference of the caravan in baked beans.

502. Work out the circumference of the caravan in baked beans?

503. You have three minutes.

504. Most accurate wins.

505. Your time starts now.

506. Oh, I can't remember what circumference means.

507. I think it means around it. OK.

508. Here we go, then, the circumference of the caravan in beans.

509. It's obvious, innit?

510. Only a mad person would actually physically get beans

511. and put them anywhere near that van.

512. What would you do, Greg? Yeah, Greg?

513. I would work out the length of a bean. Oh, you'd measure a bean.

514. Yeah. Then I'd use a different way of working out the circumference...

515. Oh, the old different way method!

516. Oh, I didn't think of that.

517. You having a nice laugh, are you?

518. The old different way. Of course.

519. Do you want to see them? Yeah.

520. I've grouped James and Kerry together again. Here's why.

521. Do I just tip this out?

522. You can do this task however you want.

523. So, is circumference how many baked beans go right round the caravan?

524. Is that what you think?

525. The circumference of the caravan

526. in how many baked beans for the whole...

527. Right.

528. So...

529. I'm going to see how many baked beans are in there.

530. Right.

531. 15 are about that. Right.

532. Sliding now.

533. It's at least four.

534. One, two, three, four, five, six...

535. 16.

536. 20.

537. 15 x 50. I'm not very good at maths. You've got one minute.

538. What's 15 x 50? I'm afraid you have to do it yourself, Kerry.

539. 15, whatever 15 x 50 is, is the answer. You've still got 45 seconds.

540. 15 x 50. 10 x 50 is 5,000...

541. 700.

542. 700, 7,000...

543. It's about 7,050 baked beans.

544. Or 750.

545. I'm going to need one of them. It can't be 700.

546. 700. Exactly 700 baked beans? Yeah.

547. Is that a coincidence, it's such a round number?

548. That's 15.

549. It's 750 baked beans.

550. How embarrassing.

551. You're an angry mathematician, aren't you?

552. Well, I'm not very good at maths so it just makes me cross.

553. You sounded like a malfunctioning cyborg.

554. They both came up with very similar answers, 700 and 750. Right.

555. Can't be coincidence. Got to be in that ballpark.

556. Got to be in that ballpark.

557. But hang on, he went, you went right a round the caravan.

558. I included the garden. OK.

559. You didn't touch the caravan? No.

560. Well, what the...

561. That's the end of part three.

562. Jessica, Rhod and Phil still to come,

563. plus one of the competitors will take home loads of stuff

564. that people want to touch. See you soon.

565. It's part four of Taskmaster, it's series seven of Taskmaster

566. and it's episode one of Taskmaster, incredible.

567. Thanks, Greg, that's all great to know.

568. Before the break, our new and naive cast were trying to guess

569. the circumference of our caravan in baked beans.

570. Do you want to see Jess all by herself again? Yeah, I do, please.

571. Oh, guys! Hey, listen, we've got to isolate the weak ones.

572. It's what happens in nature.

573. OK. Plenty of sympathetic awws in the post.

574. Here we go.

575. 18, 19, 20,

576. 21, 22, 23...

577. 55, 56, 57...

578. 78.

579. 78 x 2 is...

580. My maths is really bad.

581. So, it's 156 here.

582. Times two.

583. 300.

584. Is that how you do maths?

585. You've got 27 seconds.

586. Erm, 6... 89.

587. It's nice to see your working.

588. Shall I go? Thank you.

589. Do you always do your workings out in bean juice?

590. In bean juice, on a window. Yes, please, who needs a calculator?

591. Yes, please. Not me, not you.

592. I know it's early days,

593. but are we the stupidest so far?

594. When you say we...

595. Next up, Philip and Rhodney. Rhodney.

596. Er, where's the tape measure?

597. This is ridiculous.

598. I...

599. Look, this is utterly ridiculous.

600. It makes no sense at all.

601. That's not nearly enough beans in here.

602. This is just one can.

603. The circumference of the trailer is four cans of beans.

604. How many beans are there in a can?

605. Come on. I thought you might ask this, I really hoped you wouldn't.

606. The caravan is 500...

607. Where's the calculator?

608. I reckon there's about 100 beans a can, so I'm going to say 400 beans.

609. 510 inches.

610. Circumference of the caravan times 2.5 centimetres equals 1,275.

611. It's 1,275 baked beans,

612. if the baked beans are placed lengthways.

613. If the baked bean is placed sideways on...

614. ..you double that.

615. Times two, 2,550 baked beans.

616. I mean, I am fascinated, Phil. Mm-hm.

617. You're a qualified engineer, right? Yeah.

618. Were you also partly thinking,

619. "Everyone's going to be so focused on my cock and balls

620. "they won't actually..."?

621. You, a very scientific method.

622. Yeah, I was allowed to use whatever's available in the house.

623. You have three minutes. Hey, it's a straight compliment. Thank you.

624. Did you think we were allowed to use calculators when you were

625. doing bean juice on a window? Of course not!

626. I was doing sums with my head.

627. You're telling me you didn't use anything from the house

628. in any of the tasks? I see what you're saying.

629. It is such a bad omen that Rhod is the smart one.

630. It is. He's got a good point.

631. Yeah. What is amazing is that Rhod measured the caravan very quickly

632. but very accurately.

633. You then measured the baked bean as one centimetre.

634. Yeah, length.

635. The main bean is actually 1.3 centimetres. Aw.

636. We can have a look here on my bathtub.

637. So there are 76 beans in a metre, which means, Rhod,

638. that you went way over with 1,275 beans.

639. I'm so sorry.

640. You came second to last,

641. cos you didn't take a mean bean measurement.

642. That's exactly what happened, exactly what happened.

643. I think the bean I had was very, very average.

644. The trouble is, by the time you measured your bean,

645. it was dry of juice.

646. And a baked bean is never dry of juice.

647. So you're saying, are you counting the juice

648. on the end as a length of a bean? You have to. You have to.

649. You... I don't even think you believe this, Greg.

650. You know it, look at your face. Look at your face!

651. Look at your face. Look at your face.

652. What is the bean circumference of the caravan?

653. The bean circumference of a caravan...

654. ..is 965 beans. Aw. Lovely.

655. Which means Phil comes in last,

656. then Rhod with his 310 overestimate.

657. Then we have Jess, then James,

658. then Kerry wins the task. Whoa!

659. Total fluke! That is a mockery...

660. I think that's a mockery of not just this episode or this series,

661. but the entire show. Oh, Rhod.

662. Onto the scoreboard before we go on to the final task, please.

663. Well, it is now between these two.

664. It's between Kerry and Rhod so it's tasty. Oh, somehow!

665. Kerry has 16, Rhod has 14. So it's tasty? It's tasty.

666. OK, here we go. For the first time of this series, would you please

667. make your way to the stage for the final task of the show?

668. You're all winners already.

669. Who's reading the task, Alex? Kerry has got the task. Kerry.

670. "Make the best fruit display hat.

671. "You may not touch or tamper with your hat.

672. "Only the fruit picker uppers may touch the fruit.

673. "You may only hold the fruit picker uppers by their handles.

674. "Best fruit display hat wins.

675. "You have 100 seconds."

676. Are there any questions? What questions could there possibly be?

677. Are they normal seconds or are they sort of

678. slightly longer than usual ones?

679. OK, do you all understand?

680. You may only hold the picker uppers by the handles

681. and only the picker uppers may touch the street.

682. You've got 100 seconds, starting...

683. Let's make hats! Shall we collaborate? Yeah.

684. Do you want to collaborate? Sure.

685. That's how you do it.

686. This is broken. It's jammed, it's jammed!

687. Sorry, I'm hooked in to the grapes.

688. They're not working!

689. You all right, James? They're not working, they don't work.

690. James, that's working. That is working.

691. Yeah... Oh, yeah. That's not working! That's working. Yes.

692. This is good. You going for the pineapple? This is good.

693. Here come the bananas.

694. This is what we went to university for.

695. Did you go to uni? Do you think we should...?

696. In team building.

697. Get off my fruit, Acaster!

698. Five, four,

699. three, two, one.

700. Please put your picker uppers down.

701. Happy, Greg? I'll have a bit of a think while we bring everyone down

702. and we'll add it all up and see how it's affected

703. the whole show, shall we? OK, then. Come on down!

704. Well, this is what I've decided.

705. People should be awarded according to the luxurious variety

706. of the fruit on their hat. On their own hat, OK. On their own hats.

707. So, subsequently...

708. Oh, come on.

709. Obviously James crashes into last place, but I'll tell you this. OK.

710. Seeing him scrabbling around on the floor,

711. seeing his desperate cries,

712. there was something heart-warming about that.

713. Subsequently, I've decided to award you two points, congratulations.

714. That means a lot, thank you.

715. Jess, three points.

716. Kerry and Phil, joint four points.

717. I'm basing this on the variety of fruit.

718. Equal displays. Yes. OK. That's correct.

719. And Rhod Gilbert, against all odds,

720. collects five points for the most rich fruit hat.

721. Rhod Gilbert wins the task.

722. OK, which means... Final scores. Yeah.

723. Well, they've all reached double figures, some more than others.

724. James has 11, but in the lead, Rhod has 19,

725. Kerry has 20! What? No!

726. Kerry Godliman has won the first episode of the series.

727. Go and touch your untouchable things. Yes!

728. What have we learned today?

729. We've learned that if you're looking to build your own home,

730. don't take advice from James.

731. Or Jessica, or Kerry, or Phil, or Rhod.

732. Don't take advice from any of them.

733. But most importantly, Kerry Godliman is the winner of the first show.

734. What an impressive human being she is.

735. Thank you for watching, we'll see you next time.