Taskmaster 3x5

1. Hello, I'm Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.

2. Well, here we are, we've made it to the end of the series.

3. It won't be long before one of our task-trodden titans

4. lifts high this stunningly attractive head...

5. the Taskmaster Trophy.

6. Oooh!

7. But who will have amassed the most points?

8. Only time will tell.

9. Ladies and gentlemen, will you please give a very warm welcome

10. to our finalists - Mr Al Murray...

11. .. Dave Gorman...

12. .. Paul Chowdhry...

13. Rob Beckett...

14. and Sara Pascoe.

15. And right next to me, where he belongs, is Mr Alex Horne.

16. Do you want to say something, Alex? Really? Yes.

17. Last one of the series. Well, thank you, thank you for keeping me on...

18. .. for the whole series. And I suppose I'd like to say...

19. invite you, really, to join me and my family for a meal,

20. maybe at my house.

21. No, thanks. No? OK.

22. Would I be able to see my family?

23. No, they're fine. OK.

24. Right, prize task, then.

25. Are we going out on a high? I hope so.

26. We've asked them to bring a photo

27. of their most handsome relative, OK?

28. So, whoever has the most handsome relative, in your opinion,

29. will win the first major points of the show,

30. and whoever wins the whole episode will win five photos

31. of these guys' family.

32. As if they needed any more motivation.

33. I mean, that is the shittest prize yet.

34. Paul, whose photo have you brought in and why is it the best?

35. I brought in a picture of my dad's son.

36. My dad's son!

37. My sister's brother as well.

38. Yeah...

39. I mean, that's you, isn't it, Paul?

40. Well, it's not me, technically.

41. Well, you've moved on a bit.

42. Yeah, he could still be living in a parallel universe.

43. That was when I had hopes and dreams.

44. Are you happy that's a relative, Greg?

45. I'm not, no. It's not a relative, is it? It's him.

46. Sara, what relative did you bring?

47. I brought in one of my sisters. Well, she's a half-sister.

48. My mum got Pebbles six months ago, because she was lonely,

49. and I think she's very beautiful.

50. Yeah. Do you like cats?

51. Do you know, it's well documented that I really don't like cats. Uh-oh.

52. And clearly you're not related to a cat, I hope.

53. No, not biological relation

54. but adopted siblings are still your siblings.

55. Hmmm. Hmmm.

56. Yes. Are they, though?

57. Yeah.

58. Can you still appreciate the aesthetic of a beautiful cat?

59. I could, technically, do that. Yeah.

60. But I'm going to put myself out,

61. and I hope it doesn't come across as offensive, but looking at Pebbles,

62. Pebbles looks like a bit of a prick to me.

63. Al.

64. I brought in a picture of my grandfather, Sir Ralph Murray,

65. when he was working at the Foreign Office.

66. And he gives off this old-world distinguished...

67. I know that man. You don't know that man.

68. You stay out of this, mate. He let our family into the country.

69. I mean, it could have been worse. Everyone makes mistakes.

70. It's turned into a Ukip rally all of a sudden.

71. I think he's a relatively handsome chap. I'm sure he was delightful.

72. Thank you. Rob, what picture of a handsome relative did you bring in?

73. Well, I couldn't really bring any of my relatives' photos in

74. because most of them are mugshots.

75. So, what I've brought in is someone who I think is my relative.

76. Who's that?

77. I was a bit fatter at school.

78. And people said you look like James Earl Jones, and I said to my mum,

79. "People say I look like James Earl Jones."

80. She went, "Oh, that's your uncle." What, she just lied?

81. I don't know, I think she thought it was funny.

82. And it was! Darth Vader would have been very different

83. voiced by you, though, Rob. Yeah!

84. "Luke!

85. "I'm your father!"

86. "You're a member of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor."

87. Dave, which handsome relative have you brought in?

88. Well, I think the picture just speaks for itself.

89. What?

90. That is Cary Grant. Yeah.

91. Why is his arm coming out of the frame?

92. Famously one of the most handsome men in Hollywood.

93. Undisputedly. And as related to you, I imagine,

94. as Darth Vader is to Rob.

95. No, no. His cousin married

96. my great-grandmother's niece.

97. Seriously? You are related? We can have a look at it here.

98. That is the Gorman family tree.

99. The Fay in the bottom arrow is my mum.

100. So, Audrey above that is my grandmother.

101. Winifred above that is my great-grandmother.

102. Which makes Sally her sister,

103. which makes Winifred the aunt to Phyllis,

104. who is married Joseph Leach,

105. who was the cousin of Cary Grant.

106. And what you can't see, just off the top, is Adam and Eve.

107. That's really great. Yeah, it is true. We have checked that out.

108. It is true. It is true.

109. The most handsome relative is clearly Cary Grant.

110. OK. Mr Dave Gorman wins the task.

111. The second most handsome is Al's grandad.

112. The third most handsome, even though he's clearly not related...

113. It's Rob with James Earl Jones.

114. And then I'm going to award joint last-place to

115. the cat and the picture of himself.

116. Thanks very much. Thanks.

117. Let's get the next task under way. Alex, what's the theme?

118. It's a bucket-themed task. And it's really fun. Here we go.

119. "Move the water from bucket A to bucket B."

120. I saw this coming a mile away.

121. "You must not move the buckets.

122. "Most water moved wins."

123. "You have ten minutes. Your time starts..."

124. Not quite this... What have I got?

125. A sieve? Is this bucket A?

126. Yes, it is, yeah. It's not a trick?

127. Oh, oh!

128. What's happening?

129. Why is there a hole in this bag?

130. It was a trick, wasn't it?

131. Why the fuck peas?

132. Pardon? What are the peas for?

133. Oh, I thought they might help move the water. No!

134. So, you mean we've got to move that water down to that bucket?

135. Yes, please, Paul.

136. Oh, this is horrible.

137. It's just moving a bucket of freezing cold water, isn't it?

138. I mean, there's actual bits of ice in here.

139. You've had tremendously bad luck with the weather all series, haven't you?

140. Oh, that was the first thing we did, at 9am, and it was -3 or something.

141. It was -5.

142. And the weather for everybody else was perfectly lovely. Lovely.

143. It was so cold!

144. And a wonderful collection of rubbish to help them move the water.

145. Yeah, woolly hat, colander, bag of peas and holes, a tray,

146. a string bag, Sellotape and a coconut.

147. Right, loads of things that are clearly useless for moving water.

148. These are intelligent people. They won't try and use them, right?

149. Shall we start with Paul and Rob? Let's. OK.

150. Coconut. What's the coconut for?

151. Whatever you want, Paul.

152. That's not going to work.

153. Is it not? No. Why not?

154. It's got holes in, innit?

155. Whoa, Sellotape.

156. It's not going to work, is it?

157. Do you want that? Yes, please.

158. Thanks, Rob.

159. How much will stay in here?

160. You've got five minutes 20 left.

161. That's not going to work either, is it?

162. Oh, it's so cold. I just don't like going in it.

163. Ah! Ah! I...! Could you...?

164. What's wrong, Rob? I just farted because I was cold.

165. You farted because you were cold? Yeah! I just lost all control.

166. Oh, fuck me!

167. How's your morale, Paul?

168. Who's she?

169. Oh, for fuck's sake.

170. This is as much as I'm going to get in there.

171. Oh, there must be a tiny bucket somewhere I can use.

172. I should have done that in the beginning, innit?

173. I'll have that little cup.

174. How long have we got left? 60 seconds.

175. Two more? Last one.

176. That's your time up, Paul.

177. Are you saying that when you get cold, you fart as standard?

178. That week, I had...

179. I'd got a two-week-old baby,

180. and I've had no sleep and I was just all over the place.

181. And it was so cold. I was shitting myself. I was dropping water.

182. I didn't know what was going on. So you had a little fart?

183. I did a little... I just... I was... It was so cold.

184. I tense up when I'm cold.

185. Do you tense up? I do.

186. Sorry, yes, I do, yeah. I always tense up when I'm cold. Yeah.

187. You don't let a little fart out when you tense up, do you?

188. I've never farted, thank you.

189. I actually believe that.

190. Paul came up with a reasonably good method of...

191. There was a bag full of holes but he managed to fold it over

192. so the holes were covered, and he managed to get 4cm depth

193. of water in his bucket. Quite clever. So, he did all right?

194. He did. He only made two trips back and forward, that was the... And Rob, what about old fartyice pop?

195. I just made that up. The FIP managed to...

196. The least threatening rapper of all time.

197. Yo, yo, the motherfucking FIP. Brr!

198. Well, eventually he realised he didn't have to use the stuff there.

199. He could use anything. There was litter lying around. He found a little cup.

200. He did five trips and got 6.6 cm depth

201. so he's the current leader.

202. Ah. Yes, well done.

203. He's got, he's got an unfair advantage, though...

204. Rob Bucket.

205. It's time for a break, I think.

206. Coming up in a moment, we'll find out how Al, Dave and Sara

207. tackled our bucket challenge.

208. Welcome back to the final Taskmaster of the series,

209. and tonight, to make it extra special,

210. someone will go home with a picture of Paul Chowdhry.

211. Alex, I want to say bucket.

212. Course you do, Greg, that's your prerogative.

213. The current task involves shifting water from one bucket to another

214. on an athletics track without moving the bucket itself.

215. So far, Rob has complained about the cold.

216. Next up, we've got Dave and Sara.

217. Ready?

218. Right, what the hell have we got here?

219. Sellotape, this hat.

220. I'm just going to wear the hat.

221. A coconut.

222. Seriously?

223. Ten minutes, you say.

224. Well, nine and a half, now.

225. Just a delicious snack, while I'm thinking.

226. How's the water moving going?

227. There's no water been moved as yet.

228. Just an experiment at the moment.

229. No, it's not great.

230. I've seen this happen when people steal petrol from cars.

231. OK, that tastes disgusting.

232. I mean, I've got an English degree.

233. No! There's so much stuff that's useless here.

234. I'm not taking loads of journeys with a tiny coconut.

235. I'm just going to move a little bit.

236. Alex? Yes?

237. Would you be able to bring that bucket up that end for me

238. because it only said I couldn't move it.

239. It didn't say that no-one could move it.

240. PEEP!

241. Thank you, Dave. You're welcome.

242. You've got 20 seconds, Sara. Come on. 20 seconds? Yeah.

243. I mean, I will say, I'm not going to let anyone touch that bucket.

244. If someone has else just moved the bucket, I'm going to be furious.

245. I thoroughly enjoyed Dave being very measured about, "What can I use?

246. "That doesn't work. No, that doesn't work.

247. "Ah, the hose.

248. "Yeah, seems like a logical way of containing water.

249. "Good. It's full.

250. "I'm taking the colander, too!"

251. You all walked out of a pavilion, which only took you

252. about three minutes to walk from it, full of buckets.

253. You could have run back there.

254. You don't want to waste time looking around a pavilion for a bucket when

255. you've got a coconut to be going on with.

256. What they've cut out is how often I told Alex I hated him.

257. Yeah, he told me,

258. in between fairly hysterical crying.

259. Can we have some scores please?

260. Sara, the best at opening a coconut, and then did a few little trips with

261. the coconut in the end. 0.8 cm of water.

262. A little bit of water.

263. I'm so ashamed!

264. Dave did the most trips and achieved, so far,

265. the highest score of 7.8 cm.

266. Wow.

267. Can we now have Al's VT, please?

268. Of course we can. Here we go.

269. I'm not allowed to move the bucket, but you are.

270. No, I'm not, unfortunately.

271. Because I don't want to.

272. You don't want to? No, it's too cold.

273. Hang on.

274. Oh, here we go. Moneybags Murray.

275. I've got £115 on me.

276. That'll warm you up.

277. Come on. Come on.

278. Ohhh!

279. Don't run with it, you'll spill it.

280. Well, no, do run with it. We're running out of time. Oh, my God!

281. Two and a half minutes.

282. Can I have £10 now, please? Yes.

283. Yeah, there you go. Yeah!

284. Thanks, Al. You like the money, don't you?

285. He likes the money.

286. Yes. I'm not... Put it next to the other bucket.

287. I'm not going to go any further, Al. OK.

288. For £20, can you lift the other bucket up?

289. Can I have the money? Yeah.

290. Hold the bucket.

291. There we go.

292. Yes!

293. Look at that. That's fantastic.

294. WHISTLE BLOWS

295. What? Al "Moneybags" Murray.

296. This whole series has been like watching how

297. Donald Trump would do things.

298. I mean, you have been throwing money around. Exactly!

299. And it's gross the way he, like, gives it away to you, like you're a little mouse. It works!

300. And also...

301. As disgusted as I was by watching

302. Al's display of wealth,

303. I am far more disgusted with someone else in this room.

304. I wrote down a quote

305. from an earlier VT, and it is as follows.

306. "Sara, just so you know,

307. "I will not be moving that bucket for anyone".

308. It's almost like you just know I'm poor.

309. How much did Al Murray give you to break your own rule?

310. £80. But I'm sort of work experience.

311. What have you done with that £80?

312. I bought... some rounds in the bar and pretended it was my money.

313. Right.

314. Well, it's unacceptable. Why don't you give us 20 quid each?

315. I think if the money's going to go anywhere, it should go to charity, don't you, Rob? No.

316. So, this is the way I see it. 60 of the £80 will go to charity,

317. £20 will go to Rob Beckett... Thank you.

318. .. because he's obviously got problems.

319. What charity would you like to give the £60 to?

320. Children's? Or dolphins?

321. Dolphins. Right.

322. Good luck, dolphins. £60 coming your way.

323. I'll pass judgment on the points in a minute, but first,

324. there must be an extra penalty for you.

325. Take one of your shoes and socks off.

326. One of my... Really? Yeah. For the rest of the...? Right foot.

327. The right foot. That's the punishment?

328. Yeah. OK. I don't like it.

329. Good. This is the way I see it.

330. Al Murray wasn't to know that his ingenious method was contradictory,

331. so I'm not going to penalise him.

332. Thank you. What I'm going to do is

333. I'm going to award Sara Pascoe an extra point. Fair enough?

334. Yes.

335. Thank you.

336. Do you want to see the buckets? See what the buckets look like?

337. Yes. Yeah, let's have a look at the amount of water in the buckets.

338. It's quite nice to see them, quite a soothing image.

339. We've got Al Murray's there,

340. over 11 cm.

341. There's Paul with the peas.

342. Rob Beckett's there. 6.6 cm.

343. Sara Pascoe's 0.8.

344. And then finally, we've got Dave Gorman's.

345. Was that in your mouth?

346. I was swallowing it, and I was bringing up bile from within me

347. because it was such a poisonous...

348. Was he drinking tea? Are you saying that's come out of your mouth?

349. Is that why it's that colour?

350. You saw, I was siphoning, I was running hard,

351. I'm not in good shape and it was making me feel quite nauseous.

352. You look nervous, Dave. You're not in trouble, you know that?

353. No, no. He's cheated again!

354. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

355. Dave, I'm going to ask you a question.

356. I can't believe he's done it again!

357. This is like the pee thing!

358. Have you, again, cheated?

359. I can honestly say no to that because I didn't cheat before.

360. Ho-ho-ho!

361. Have you cheated?

362. Might have done.

363. Well, we did film it.

364. Well, thanks, Dave. Yeah. If you want to go and get warm.

365. You've seen what I'm capable of!

366. We didn't know until we looked at the bucket and then we examined

367. that little camera. Really?

368. Yeah. How much do you want me to give to the dolphins?

369. I think, Dave, you're disqualified from that round, I'm afraid.

370. Rules is rules. Nul points.

371. OK. How are the scores looking, Alex?

372. Well, because Dave dropped out, then, we have a clear winner.

373. In second place is Rob but in first place, Al Murray, so far,

374. with nine points.

375. The overall series lead is incredibly close at the moment.

376. I don't want to say what the scores are, but there are three people just a couple of points separating them.

377. Ooh. Yeah. I wonder who they are, Paul.

378. On with the next one. OK, the next one is a team task.

379. Ready? Here we go.

380. I'm not getting in that.

381. "Wearing one of these hands on each of your hands at all times..."

382. "Communicate to your team-mates the names of these films,

383. "books or TV programme."

384. "You may not raise your voice.

385. "Most correct answers wins.

386. "You have ten minutes.

387. "Your time starts when the whistle's blown."

388. Charades. Where are my team-mates?

389. Team-mate. Is that Sara? I've no idea who they are.

390. Is there someone with blue hands?

391. It's Rob. Can he see me?

392. Hey! Hello! Hello! Who's that?

393. Who is it? I don't know. Who are you?

394. I'm all right, how're you?

395. What's your name?

396. What's my name? Why doesn't he know my name?

397. Gone quiet, hasn't she?

398. I mean, who did you think it was?

399. Did you think it was Al Murray?

400. I know, I couldn't... It was quite far.

401. It was really far. You were 500 foot across.

402. OK. Let's all have a break for a moment.

403. All five will be playing charades across a river

404. right after these adverts. See you shortly.

405. Welcome back to Taskmaster.

406. We're nearing the series climax, but first, Alex,

407. can we please finish off what we started?

408. Of course we can. We're playing charades,

409. so the person guessing could shout.

410. The person doing the demonstrating couldn't shout.

411. That's the rules. I heard some people got very cross.

412. I got... I was furious.

413. Let's have a look at Rob and Sara's VT.

414. THEY GIGGLE

415. WHISTLE BLOWS

416. OK.

417. Book!

418. OK.

419. It's a film, as well, isn't it? Ah, this is ridiculous.

420. How am I going to do a lion?

421. HE ROARS HALF-HEARTEDLY How do you do a lion?

422. Terrible. I mean, I don't know if he's just living his life,

423. or if he's trying to gesture to me.

424. Mad Max?

425. What?

426. I mean, his hands aren't even moving very much.

427. Unless the book is called The Boring Shrug, I don't know what this is.

428. Book! Yeah.

429. Uh... windows.

430. What? Oh, fuck off, plane!

431. PLANE FLIES OVERHEAD

432. How am I supposed to do this with a fucking plane?

433. I can't hear what she's saying!

434. You've got to make it big! Football? It's football, isn't it?

435. Up In The Air.

436. Gone With The wind. War And Peace.

437. Sense And Sensibility.

438. The Beach! I can't hear you, mate. I can't... I can't hear you, mate!

439. I'm just guessing, mate.

440. What did she say? You're going to have to be louder.

441. 1984!

442. Is she just guessing books? Animal Farm!

443. EastEnders! Neighbours! Strictly Come Dancing!

444. This is pointless, isn't it?

445. I'll go through them and see if I've got that one.

446. Oh, shout 1984 again.

447. 1984! Yeah, got one.

448. He's doing a film. Film! Yes.

449. Right.

450. Hello. Hey. Hey!

451. Not looking. What's she doing?

452. Hey, Nelly! Oh, no, don't apologise.

453. Oi, eyes on the prize!

454. You're a joke! I think he's saying it's a joke.

455. I can't tell if he's exasperated or miming.

456. Right, that's a song, isn't it? Song! Yeah.

457. Right now. What's the Single Ladies song?

458. Moonwalk?

459. Walking On The Moon?

460. Walking On The Moon.

461. This is what he's doing. Like that, and then doing that.

462. Yeah, that's it, yeah!

463. What's that song they did?

464. And then wave hello. Is it Beyonce? Is it All The Single Ladies?

465. All The Single Ladies? Yes! YEAH!

466. WHISTLE BLOWS

467. Oh, thank fuck for that.

468. All right, I mean Sara definitely had a lovely time,

469. playing with the dog... I met a little dog called Nelly.

470. .. chatting. I saw. You were having a lovely old time.

471. It was tough. It was really tough for us.

472. Yeah. And you got your knickers in a right twist.

473. I couldn't hear what she was saying,

474. so it's hard to play charades when you can't hear the guesses.

475. But did you call me stupid and they've cut that out?

476. Oh, I think I was calling you worse than that.

477. I mean, we've learned something, though.

478. If anyone's got anger management problems,

479. or you're going into any threatening situation,

480. just ask the person to pop some of those big gloves on.

481. It felt good being so angry and looking so ridiculous.

482. Yeah. I was like, fuck's sake!

483. So I mean, what did they get in the end?

484. Incredibly, Sara guessed, without him doing them, War And Peace,

485. The Bible, 1984.

486. And a passer-by suggested Batman, which was on the cards.

487. So seven out of 20, she got. Wow. Not bad. That's not bad at all.

488. It's not bad, yeah.

489. And we are now going to see some wise old men and Paul Chowdhry,

490. who is a young man. OK. Here we go.

491. WHISTLE BLOWS

492. Do we stand on this?

493. It's a book! The.

494. "The" we've got. Yeah.

495. Jurassic Park? No, it's not THE Jurassic Park, is it?

496. Start again!

497. What's he doing now? Book.

498. I'm doing a thing where I'm not allowed to raise my voice,

499. but you're not me. Yeah, yeah.

500. If you were to shout across that river...

501. the words The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe,

502. that would be very helpful. Yeah.

503. The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe!

504. The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe.

505. Mad Max! Mad Max.

506. Winnie the Pooh! Winnie the Pooh.

507. Taskmaster! Taskmaster. Taskmaster.

508. Good show. No-one's heard of that. No.

509. Dave Gorman's Modern Life Is Guinness.

510. Dave Gorman's... SORRY, SAY AGAIN!

511. Cry Me A River.

512. The Bible. Die Hard.

513. They're out. They've run out. We're done. OK.

514. You have five minutes.

515. How handy that Ben Fogle...

516. And that was actually Ben Fogle. Ben Fogle.

517. Al Murray paid five grand for him to turn up.

518. No.

519. He was doing a photo shoot on the foreshore of the river,

520. just by coincidence. That's what happens when your grandad's

521. the Foreign Secretary. You can get anyone...

522. It is a lot easier. In charades it is easier

523. when you can say the name. They still didn't get one.

524. They genuinely didn't get Dave Gorman's Modern Life Is Rubbish.

525. Yeah. What did you just call it, sorry?

526. Modern Life Is Guinness! Sorry, Dave Gordon!

527. Even when you're reading it, you can't get it right.

528. But they did get 19 out of 20. Good.

529. OK. That's unfair. Why are they shaking hands,

530. like that was good gamesmanship?

531. You wouldn't have done the same in that situation?

532. No, I like to play for fun. Did they just win that one, then?

533. It didn't say that you couldn't get Ben Fogle to shout

534. the words... How's that affected the points?

535. I mean, unsurprisingly, Al, Dave and Paul are now ahead of Rob and Sara.

536. The scoreboard looks like this.

537. OK, Alex, I'd like one more task to really complete the series.

538. Me, too, and here it is.

539. Ah, it's cool, that, innit?

540. Right.

541. "Do something that looks brilliant when sped up..."

542. "Or slowed down."

543. "You have one hour. Your time starts now."

544. Near a golf course, could do a drive.

545. That looks quite good to slow down, doesn't it?

546. Have a little think about it, I reckon.

547. I've... Yeah, I've got an idea, actually.

548. Quite a good idea, I think.

549. Mm.

550. Who are we seeing first? We're going to start with Dave Gorman.

551. Ah.

552. Great. That would be a really good Guinness advert.

553. It's available for Guinness if they are prepared to pay the price.

554. Were those biscuit crumbs? That was glitter. Oh. Sorry.

555. I was just thinking how much I like them.

556. Well, so, pretty rock and roll video, really.

557. Two famously rock and roll things there - glitter and balloons.

558. Great, though. Let's see some others.

559. OK. The bar is set.

560. We're going to see Sara's slow-mo, or fast-forward. We'll see.

561. Rob just asked me if there was someone in there.

562. I didn't know if they did it like Wallace and Gromit.

563. Just moving a little bit at a time.

564. That would have taken Sara one month to make that.

565. Really, really impressive.

566. Technology's always, in films,

567. is depicted as something that's destructive or frightening.

568. Why not have a nice dancing robot?

569. Yeah. Well, it was a story of loneliness

570. and then companionship and then boogying.

571. OK, it's time for Al Murray.

572. I mean...

573. This is all the funnier when you know that Al is the only person -

574. well, I've ever met - who knows someone who owns a gong shop.

575. This is the second time the gong has appeared in Taskmaster.

576. He's gong mad. Yeah.

577. Gong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it.

578. Did you like it, the gong? I thought it was wonderful.

579. So presumably your facial expression was based on the wig coming off?

580. Yes.

581. What was the facial expression going to be before it turned into...?

582. Oh, something, you know, smouldering.

583. Oh, don't. That's...

584. Who's next? OK, oh, Paul.

585. Do you want to see Paul Chowdhry? Do I?

586. THEY GIGGLE

587. It was really thoughtful, really clever.

588. I'm the best at keepy-uppies. I can keep it up for a long time.

589. You did boast a lot about your football skills before.

590. It was the ninth take, but you know...

591. The point is, you did a genuinely good film

592. and I honestly thought it was going to be horse shit, so well done.

593. I'm afraid we have to stop now for a break.

594. When we return it's going to really kick off as Rob's movie,

595. the final task of the series, but most importantly,

596. we reveal the overall champion of Taskmaster.

597. It's going to be powerful.

598. See you there.

599. Well, hello there. You join us for the final part of Taskmaster.

600. Before long, one of our five comedians will be awarded

601. this hallowed trophy and make their families proud at last.

602. One of them will also go home with a picture of a cat.

603. Exciting times ahead. Alex. Let's get back to the action.

604. OK, then. We have seen four films with the footage either

605. slowed down or sped up and I like them all equally,

606. which is why I'm sat here.

607. The only one we haven't seen yet is Rob Beckett's.

608. Oh.

609. COME ON!

610. HE CACKLES IN SLOW MOTION

611. I am intrigued by the narrative of yours as to who this super villain

612. is who's coming after you,

613. because he's using three very distinct weapons.

614. Yes. Peas, watermelon, flour.

615. Yeah, the story of that was I hit the shit out of some fruit and veg.

616. You didn't have in your mind you were a character

617. and there was an enemy approaching? Yeah, that as well.

618. I'm going to make some snap decisions on this.

619. It's so tough, I thought they were all genuinely brilliant.

620. It's harder when they do well, isn't it? OK, well, God.

621. Last-place? It's going to be Al.

622. Do you know why? Because he's used his gong already and he didn't mean his wig to fall off.

623. And I'm putting in joint next place,

624. I'm putting Dave and Paul, and the joint winners, for me,

625. because I could imagine a narrative, are Sara and Rob.

626. Bam. I've done it.

627. Alex, can you please update us on the scores

628. and tell us how the race for the trophy's doing?

629. The race for the trophy is doing really well.

630. It's so tight. I'm not going to say who's in the lead.

631. I know. It's brilliant.

632. For this particular episode there's Dave on 13 points,

633. but in the lead is Al Murray with 16 points. Yes!

634. Just one more batch of points to dish out, and don't forget,

635. this not only counts for this show

636. but also the overall scores across the series. So, for one last time,

637. will you please head to the stage for the final task?

638. Alex, what's in the box?

639. Deal Or No Deal's gone down-market, hasn't it?

640. It's the final task and I should say that Al, Dave and Rob,

641. close to being neck and neck. OK. And what about me and Paul?

642. Close to being neck and neck as well, but a different part of the body.

643. Knee and knee. Right, so in the box,

644. you've all got five doughnuts on a stick, OK?

645. Who do you want to read the task?

646. Oh. Al, please.

647. "Place one or more doughnuts on your stick.

648. "You have 100 seconds,

649. "after which the person with the lowest unique whole number

650. "of doughnuts on their stick wins."

651. What? There's more. "In the event of there being no unique numbers,

652. "the task shall be replayed until there is a winner."

653. Do you want me to explain? Yeah.

654. So you're all going to put doughnuts on your stick.

655. There are five at the moment. Ah, yeah, yeah. You'll be taking them off or putting them on.

656. At the end of the 100 seconds, you're going to lift up your box.

657. We'll see how many doughnuts you've got on your stick.

658. Whoever's got the lowest unique number of doughnuts wins.

659. For example, if you three put two, Rob puts one,

660. you put three, Rob's won.

661. It's the lowest unique number.

662. I need to make sure you all definitely understand, though.

663. Paul? I feel like a bit of a doughnut up here.

664. Are you ready?

665. Good luck, everyone. Put your doughnuts on the stick.

666. WHISTLE BLOWS Off you go.

667. You're watching them? Yeah, I'm watching them.

668. How're you getting on, Dave? I'm not telling you.

669. Paul, how many doughnuts are on your stick? Huh?

670. How many doughnuts are on your stick?

671. I thought I'm not allowed to tell anyone.

672. You can tell anyone anything.

673. You could be lying. I've still got four on the stick.

674. No, you haven't.

675. Sara, how many doughnuts have you put on your stick?

676. It's none of your business.

677. You don't have to tell the truth.

678. I can't think of what to lie. 11. I've got 11 doughnuts on a stick.

679. You finished, Rob? Yeah, I don't...

680. Can't work out how to do it.

681. What you don't realise is

682. Al's paid a man to be strapped up in the lighting.

683. There's only ten seconds left.

684. You've got five more seconds to make a decision.

685. If you could all replace the lids in three seconds.

686. BLOWS WHISTLE

687. And step away from your boxes please.

688. So, Al Murray has gone for one doughnut.

689. That's a big call. Oh.

690. Dave Gorman.

691. One doughnut.

692. Oh! The two old men cancel each other out at this stage.

693. It's exciting. I wouldn't be so stupid.

694. Paul Chowdhry has put one doughnut...

695. Rob Beckett has put two doughnuts!

696. Sara Pascoe...

697. .. has put two doughnuts.

698. We go again. We go again.

699. Put your sticks back. This time you have 20 seconds, this time.

700. Your 20 seconds starts...

701. WHISTLE BLOWS

702. Sticking with one? None of your business. Sort of is.

703. Not yet, it isn't. No, quite right.

704. What, what are you doing?

705. I'm hiding the doughnuts. OK, five seconds left.

706. Oh, gamesmanship from Al.

707. OK, two seconds left.

708. And shut your boxes, please.

709. OK. I don't know about you, I'm genuinely excited.

710. Al Murray, this time, has gone for one doughnut.

711. Dave Gorman's done one, as well.

712. If I didn't, you'd win.

713. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Paul Chowdhry. Can I predict Paul's?

714. Five doughnuts. Nearly.

715. Four doughnuts.

716. Five doughnuts!

717. I should have been able to count. Paul will only win if there are all

718. ones or if two are both twos, threes, or fours. Yeah.

719. We have two doughnuts. We're going to have a winner.

720. We are going to have a winner.

721. It's official. It's either Paul or Rob.

722. Sara can't win. That's all right. I'm still having fun.

723. OK. It's either one or two. But if she's put three doughnuts...

724. It would not be the lowest unique number.

725. Yes. I now fully understand the game.

726. Here we go. So if it's a two, Paul wins.

727. If it is a one, Rob wins. Sara's put...

728. three doughnuts.

729. No! Oh, that is a shame.

730. You could have given them to the audience.

731. I can still give them to the audience.

732. No. Anyone want a doughnut?

733. OK, well done to Rob.

734. Can you please come down to find out tonight's winner?

735. Doughnuts, Alex, what happened? Very interesting tactics.

736. For me, it was Al and Dave not budging from one, both of them.

737. Same minds. That's because I knew he was doing one.

738. Oh, you had to block him? Yeah, I knew he was doing one, as well.

739. Did you not think that someone else might do one, and you could do two?

740. Well, no, the first time I knew that he'd done one,

741. I didn't know what he'd done so I had to block him.

742. And the second time, when I knew he'd done one,

743. I didn't know what he'd done and I had to block him.

744. What was your tactic, Rob? I just took three off

745. and just put the box shut.

746. Sometimes, that's all it takes for victory.

747. OK, Alex, can you please tell us the scores for today's show?

748. I can. That win has pushed him up a lot of places.

749. Al Murray has 16 points, but in the lead, and the winner, in fact,

750. is Mr Rob Beckett with 17 points.

751. Rob Beckett wins.

752. Five whole photographs are all yours.

753. Rob, you are the luckiest man in Britain.

754. Please go up there and collect your prizes.

755. Well, that is another series complete.

756. It is. Does it make you feel complete, Greg?

757. It sort of does.

758. Does it? Yeah.

759. But before we find out our overall series winner,

760. what have we learned today?

761. Well, we've learned that if you want to hear Rob Beckett fart,

762. put him in a fridge.

763. And today we learned that the winner of this episode is Rob Beckett!

764. OK, the time has come, at last.

765. After five episodes,

766. countless tasks and some bizarre and brilliant tactics,

767. we are about to reveal the overall winner and present them with this,

768. the Taskmaster trophy.

769. Alex has added up the points across the series,

770. so I will now hand over to him to tell us the ultimate scores.

771. OK, so...

772. Tight, it was tight. There were just two points separating three men

773. at the end. Which means there were five points available,

774. there is only one winner. And he has won by six points overall.

775. It's Mr Rob Beckett!

776. Thank you very much.

777. Ladies and gentlemen, the champion of the third series of Taskmaster

778. is Mr Rob Beckett!

779. Congratulations, Rob Beckett! Thank you. Rob Beckett!

780. Thank you so much, everyone. Take care and goodnight.