Taskmaster 3x3

1. Hello, hello. I'm Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.

2. Look at this titanic trophy.

3. It, like me, is magnificent, and as our five competitors battle

4. on through this third episode, they each edge nearer to winning it

5. and becoming the next Taskmaster series champion.

6. Let's meet the prospective titleholders now.

7. They are... Al Murray!

8. Dave Gorman!

9. Paul Chowdhry!

10. Rob Beckett!

11. And Sara Pascoe!

12. And look who it is, it's little Alex Horne.

13. Oh! Aww!

14. Hello, Alex. Hello, Greg. How are you? Have you been busy?

15. I've been very... You gave me...

16. you gave me a promotion, so thank you for that. That's all right.

17. You said we are still many, many leagues apart,

18. but I'm now semi-professional, so that's nice. That IS nice.

19. Makes a difference. I can feed and clothe my children now,

20. so that's nice. Thank you for that, makes a difference, honestly.

21. That's all right. Onwards!

22. As always, the show starts with a prize task.

23. What have we asked them to bring in today, Alex?

24. OK, well, today, we asked them to bring in

25. their best battery-operated item.

26. Oh... Hmm.

27. Oh... I didn't even think of that! I didn't think of that.

28. It's going to be THAT kind of crowd.

29. So, whoever brings in the best battery-operated item,

30. in your opinion, will win the first maximum points of the show.

31. Whoever wins the whole episode will win five battery-operated items.

32. All to play for. Dave Gorman, you're a modern man.

33. What battery-operated, er,

34. thing have you brought in and why should I give you points for it?

35. Erm, I have brought in a thing called Ewan the Dream Sheep and...

36. Aww!

37. I've got a baby at home and we were given this.

38. It's got batteries in it and it plays, sort of,

39. white noise that soothes a baby to sleep.

40. What? Yeah, what's it sound like?

41. No, not like that. No, it's like... "Come here, mate, what you doing?"

42. We had this and it did soothe our baby to sleep and the baby was

43. in the cot in our room, and then I had to go on tour and

44. I missed my baby so much I bought another one for

45. me to go in the hotel with me, so that I could hear the sound...

46. Another baby?that would remind me of my baby. Very good.

47. OK, look, Rob, what have you brought?

48. I've brought a light for a toilet, so that when you wee, you can

49. see where you're weeing without waking up fully by turning

50. the light on in the bathroom.

51. I mean, do you know, I mean... That would scare the shit out of me.

52. You'd be in the right place, then!

53. Al, what did you bring in? I've brought in a Wall-E toy.

54. Aww. He's lovely, isn't he?

55. He's not going to help me do an accurate piss in the middle

56. of the night, though, is he?

57. Or IS he? Well!

58. Is it remote control? What stuff's it got on it?

59. You press the button and he sort of does this jig about and he goes,

60. "Wall-E!"

61. Wow. Like that, and he's just lovely.

62. That's interesting, cos my instinct was to push you off

63. the stage when you started making that noise.

64. He's lovely. He's lovely, he's friendly.

65. He's pretty cute for a robot.

66. Sara. Erm, OK, I brought a genuinely good, expensive thing.

67. It's called an iPod.

68. Are you listening to your own album?

69. Who is that? "And I am actually Artist Of The Week!"

70. Good value for money.

71. I also do need this back,

72. because I have a Nokia that doesn't go on the internet and I can

73. only check my emails on this, so I do need to win this episode.

74. There is some risk there, I'll give you that. Yeah. Yeah.

75. Paul, already I'm petrified as to what you may have brought us in.

76. I brought a hairband, innit? Of course it is.

77. It's got everything you need on there. Dreadlocks.

78. I need more than dreadlocks.

79. The dreadlocks light up.

80. Oh, they light up? Oh, then it HAS got everything I need(!)

81. This is where you can become a Rasta without becoming a Rasta.

82. You can become a Rasta without becoming a Rasta?

83. OK, here we go, I'm going to make a quick judgment.

84. Dave, sorry, your sheep's going in last place. Aw, man.

85. Al, Wall-E, fourth place and you're lucky not... Everyone loves Wall-E!

86. Yeah, I don't.

87. Third, Sara, iPod. Nice item. Meh.

88. Er, second, unbelievably...

89. .. and I am someone who wants to be a Rasta, but not an actual Rasta...

90. I'm going to put that in second place because I'm a middle-aged man

91. and I've got a swollen prostate. Congratulations.

92. I'm so happy you've got a swollen prostate.

93. Genuinely have. Prizes sorted.

94. Let's move on to the first task proper.

95. Alex, what are we about to see?

96. We're going to kick things off with some bodily fluids. Oh.

97. Oh, yeah. Oh, God.

98. Don't like it? I'm just looking at the objects, and thinking...

99. "What's he come up with now?"

100. Oh, come off it.

101. "Fill this eggcup with your own sweat."

102. I knew it was going to be weird, mate. "Most sweat wins."

103. You have 20 minutes, your time start now.

104. "You must complete the whole task speaking in an accent

105. "different to your own for 20 minutes."

106. This is... This is mental.

107. This is not normal. This is...

108. You are...

109. You're pushing your luck.

110. Urgh.

111. Let me do some press-ups or something, innit?

112. Erm... Errm...

113. I'm a little bit confused.

114. I mean, it looks like you've only told Rob to speak in an accent.

115. Yeah, I'm in charge of admin.

116. There's genuine error. Rob, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

117. That is a catastrophic error. It's so frustrating.

118. That's going to be absolutely humiliating, isn't it?

119. The edit of this could end my career.

120. Might as well give him the dreadlocks now.

121. I'm as frustrated as you, I really am. Yeah.

122. Well, I can't wait any longer. Let's get into it.

123. OK, we'll kick off with Rob. Rob and Dave.

124. Tell me when it's finished.

125. OK, here we go.

126. What temperature are we on?

127. It's off at the moment, the heating.

128. Can we turn it on, please? You want me to turn on...? Yarrs.

129. Thank you. OK.

130. And bring the portable heaters in.

131. Got it. OK? OK.

132. I'm going to get me coat.

133. I got all the clothes I could find.

134. To warm up. You OK?

135. Going to get warm.

136. I'm getting hot on my face.

137. Ha. Yeah.

138. Oh, Rob!

139. No result? Does this go hotter?

140. I am hot. So why is it not coming out?

141. Thank you, Dave. I might need some help getting out.

142. What are you doing, Rob? Squeezing my 'ead. Into the eggcup? Yeah.

143. Is it working? No.

144. I wish it was.

145. But it isn't working.

146. Thank you, Rob.

147. I just thought if I just speak and just try and move my tongue

148. a bit different...

149. And I'll see what comes out.

150. I mean, it seems to me you were doing an awful

151. lot of work whilst Dave just built himself a greenhouse

152. and settled down.

153. Were you sweating in your little polythene grief cave?

154. Grief cave!

155. No, I found it very hard to generate any sweat.

156. I thought I was creating a sauna.

157. It took me basically most of 20 minutes to build it.

158. And then went, "Oh, it doesn't work."

159. You created some sweat cos you created a sort of gutter

160. system through your buttocks, which is why I wore the glove.

161. And we had five drops from Dave. From his arse?

162. Yeah. It was collected down the back and then trickled into the cup.

163. You can use whatever gully God gives you.

164. Yeah. Rob, unfortunately, not a single drop of sweat,

165. but 12 different accents, including three new ones.

166. So, who's next? Uh...

167. What about Paul Chowdhry? Why not?

168. Why not indeed? Here we go.

169. I should have brought a belt.

170. Not a drop.

171. Al Murray's going to win this, that fat bastard.

172. Quit tickling me.

173. Stop it!

174. Whoa! That's a lot.

175. That's your time.

176. Paul, why's it that colour?

177. I'm going to ask you a straight question here, mate.

178. Are you blacking up?

179. I mean, we know you've got some fake dreadlocks.

180. I'm feeling a lot better about my accent now.

181. Why was it that colour?

182. I creamed myself before. You creamed yourself?

183. I creamed myself, like, earlier on that day.

184. You say that like it's standard practice.

185. You moisturise your own body, innit, before, when...

186. You moisturise your body? Yeah.

187. OK, I'm going to ask you the same question.

188. Why's it that colour, mate?

189. Because the T-shirt was a dark colour. Oh, the T-shirt.

190. And it rubbed onto the sweat and the cream... The cream.

191. .. and created

192. some kind of a sweat fungus.

193. The old black sweat fungus.

194. But the colour doesn't make a difference to my...?

195. No, it was all sweat. 12 drops of sweat.

196. Whoa!

197. Well, as pleasant as this is,

198. I'm afraid we have to take a quick break. Please return soon

199. to discover just how sweaty Al Murray and Sara Pascoe are.

200. Bye for now.

201. Hello there. Welcome back. In case you've just tuned in,

202. all the comics are trying to win Rob Beckett's loo seat light.

203. Alex, please remind me where we're at. Hello there.

204. Well, our contestants are trying to fill an egg cup with sweat.

205. Paul Chowdhry is currently in the lead with 12 drops.

206. Next up, we're going to see a Pascoe-Murray montage at last.

207. Am I right in thinking that sweat and urine

208. are made of the same stuff?

209. Oh, I'm not sweating, Alex!

210. I've just got a nice hot face.

211. They are the same thing, medically, they're urea, aren't they?

212. Urine and sweat are the same thing.

213. Boxing, they sweat at boxing, don't they?

214. That looks designed for the purpose.

215. It's got to do something.

216. You'd think so, wouldn't you?

217. SPLASH!

218. Am I allowed to get other people's sweat?

219. "Own sweat." What about if I bought it off someone in this room?

220. I would technically own it.

221. Does anyone want to sell me a drop of sweat for a pound?

222. You been?

223. Yeah, I've been.

224. And I reckon I can fill this egg cup.

225. I'm actually not doing too badly, drip-wise.

226. Really? Yeah.

227. Pretty full.

228. There's bloody loads in there. That's human sweat.

229. I've milked his head. There you go, £2. Thank you. You earned it. Yes!

230. I thought I did the grossest thing possible in that challenge.

231. Right, well, listen, Sara used her brain and bought some sweat.

232. I am totally allowing that.

233. Yeah, she does own the sweat.

234. She paid our sound man £2 for eight drops of sweat.

235. She's in second place. Now, it's what you do with old Al's wee-wee.

236. Well, I... This will surprise you - I'm not medically qualified,

237. so have you got an answer for me?

238. Is sweat the same as Al Murray's bright yellow urine?

239. We have consulted not one but two doctors.

240. We consulted the Van Tulleken twins from the telly, so they both said,

241. "Yeah, they're both mostly water,"

242. but by that logic, you could have used beer.

243. Xand said, "They're made in different ways by a different part

244. "of the body and are easy to distinguish without the need for a scientific test

245. "and culturally everyone makes a clear distinction between them,"

246. and Chris says, "Nice try, Murray, but I'd fail him, he's talking gibberish." So it's up to you.

247. But at the time I said, "They're the same thing, aren't they?

248. "Let's Google it - are urine and sweat the same thing?"

249. Google said yes straight away.

250. If it had said no, I wouldn't have done it.

251. I'd have run around like a gimp. Do you know what, Al?

252. And if Google had paid their taxes, I would allow you to win.

253. Woo! Sorry, I've got to go with the show doctors.

254. Show doctors said they're produced by different parts of the body

255. in different ways. Sorry, Al's out.

256. Al's out? Simple as that. OK. Damn it! So tell us who...

257. So actually, Rob comes in fourth with his zero drops of sweat.

258. Unbelievable. OK. Give him one clap.

259. Who's third?

260. It's Dave, then Sara, then the winner, for the first time,

261. Mr Paul Chowdhry. Bam!

262. Unbelievable.

263. You see? Creaming yourself can pay dividends.

264. OK, we're really moving now. What's next? We have a... We've got a task!

265. Ooh! Oh, this is fun, innit?

266. "Push me," says the ball.

267. How's it going? Good, thanks, Paul.

268. "Push me."

269. Brilliant.

270. Oh!

271. Amazing!

272. Ah, wonderful! Did you do that?

273. What was all that about?

274. "Make the best domino rally."

275. What's a domino rally?

276. I knew it.

277. Your time starts...

278. ..now.

279. What are we calling a domino rally? How are we defining that?

280. Well, you wanted to see them achieve

281. a domino effect, where one thing makes another thing happen,

282. one thing knocks another thing over.

283. So it didn't necessarily have to be dominos? We gave them 1,000 dominos.

284. Oh, so it could be dominos. It could be. We also gave them

285. a house full of items. Shall we see some?

286. OK, we're going to kick off with Dave's literal approach.

287. Want me to go for it?

288. Yeah!

289. Thank you very much.

290. Played it with a straight bat but genuinely impressive.

291. 434 dominoes set up in an hour.

292. Those are sort of numbers I like. Pure domino.

293. I read domino rally as a rally of dominoes

294. in the same way that that I saw sweat as sweat rather than piss.

295. I've been very literal in my interpretation of the test.

296. Just a really impressive domino rally. Well done. Thank you very much, sir.

297. Who's next? Sara, who wasn't initially into dominoes.

298. No, I'm not into them. No, but you gave it a good go, didn't you?

299. Mm. I did it. You did it. I did it. You did it. Yeah.

300. "Hello! We're Take That. Welcome to the concert."

301. "Yeah!"

302. Meanwhile, at the back of the concert,

303. "Hi, I'm Sara Pascoe. I'm really dancing.

304. "What's that in the distance? I can hear a volcano."

305. Whoosh!

306. "Oh, no, the volcano's erupted."

307. "What's that smell? Oh, my God,

308. "it smells like that gas that makes everyone

309. "go really stiff and fall over. Oh, no!"

310. "Oh, no, this falling over has made Take That feel really mortal inside.

311. "We're going to pay all of our tax in future."

312. Well, you went from being bored to having a full mental breakdown.

313. I was doing a whole play about tax and I opened what you said about

314. Google, that you don't like people who tax avoid either... I don't.

315. ..so I thought you'd like the play. I really did like the play.

316. I thought it was brilliant. Good. Yeah, Gary Barlow. Cough up.

317. You've seen the domino representation of what happens.

318. Who's next? Rob Beckett. Ooh! Ooh!

319. Straight ahead. Deadpan.

320. What?

321. Very good. I mean, who could...

322. .. who could ever predict that a domino

323. rally would be a useful health and safety warning video?

324. It was very funny. Just five people, a ball pool, a mattress, a brush and a van.

325. And it was a lot of fun, wasn't it? It was a lot of fun.

326. Time for a break now, on the other side of which, we'll see

327. Al Murray and Paul Chowdhry playing with dominoes.

328. It's a world exclusive. See you soon.

329. Hi.

330. It's Taskmaster part three and in a new high for comedy

331. our five comics are vying for a light-up hairband.

332. Alex Horne, can you delight us with a quick recap, please?

333. Yes, we've seen a variety of domino rally attempts.

334. We're yet to see Al or Paul's. We're going to start with Al's.

335. Right.

336. Three, two, one.

337. Oh, you absolute...!

338. Dammit.

339. Can I see if the rest would've worked?

340. Aw!

341. That is really annoying.

342. Poor little Al's face.

343. It was a really good idea, though.

344. You just only knocked some of it down.

345. It's not helping, this voice, is it?

346. It was really good. It didn't work. Nearly clever, didn't work.

347. One more to see. Who's next?

348. The last one is Paul Chowdhry, and quite often in this show

349. we end on something that's either brilliant or not so brilliant. Yeah.

350. Which way will we jump?

351. Yeah, love it.

352. I mean, at no point were you told that you had to have an egg

353. fall into a pan. That, my friend, was a hurdle of your own making.

354. That's how I make eggs in the morning, innit?

355. It was incredible, though, Paul. That was incredible, right?

356. Well, unfortunately for Al and Sara,

357. despite their wonderful creativity,

358. they failed to knock all of their dominoes down and therefore

359. they must share joint last place on this occasion.

360. Fine. But shame on you, Take That.

361. Third place. Oh, man... I'm going to put Rob.

362. Oh!

363. Am I?

364. I'm a comedian so I want everyone to like me. I'm sticking with that.

365. Rob, Dave, obviously, Paul Chowdhry absolutely romps home in first place. Bam!

366. I don't believe it!

367. I think a quick task would be good now.

368. You're so slick. OK, here is a Taskmaster favourite.

369. Oh!

370. Is that for me? Yes.

371. What's this? It's out of the Evil Dead.

372. Rolled up £20 note. It's not that kind of show, is it?

373. It's the kind of task I like.

374. Cash, rude boy. Cash.

375. "Buy a gift for the Taskmaster. You have 20 weeks..."

376. "Your time starts now."

377. Who's first? I think we'll start with Rob. Rob.

378. A footstool for your chair.

379. Oh!

380. So you can... I know you like to stretch out.

381. I DO like stretching out.

382. Oh!

383. I mean, it's going to take some beating. I absolutely love it, Rob.

384. Thanks very much. That's all right. Dave. I've got a variety of items.

385. You're from Wem. I am from Wem.

386. Yeah. I bought you a book called The Story Of Wem. Wow! It's that thick?

387. I know you support Wem Town Football Club.

388. I didn't know they existed, genuinely. Genuinely.

389. It's on your Facebook page as one of your likes.

390. And I got you the programme from their biggest ever game.

391. I have got you a vintage bottle from the Wem Brewery.

392. Shrewsbury and Wem Brewery. Genuinely closed down,

393. the Wem Brewery. Yeah, yeah.

394. It's where I went for all my school trips. ALL of them.

395. And I've brought you a single called Wem.

396. Who's next? Al Murray, now.

397. I have for you, Taskmaster,

398. £20 worth of the Last Rolo.

399. That is incredible.

400. That is so wonderful. Thank you, Al. You're welcome!

401. I had to eat over 300 Rolos to achieve that.

402. And did you eat the 300 Rolos? What do YOU think?

403. Sara next, are you ready for Sara?

404. I was thinking that one of the things that money can't buy is time,

405. and I know that you're in a very successful sitcom called Man Down

406. and also you have to write the sitcom,

407. and I thought what I would do with my money

408. is write some of it for you.

409. For the next series!

410. Save you some time. Thanks!

411. Oh, and because it was only £20,

412. I've only written one page.

413. If you want the rest, you'll have to pay for it page by page.

414. It is genuinely blank.

415. But it saves you some time! Thanks, Sara, it was a really great idea.

416. And we've left him to last again - Paul Chowdhry.

417. Well, you're a man that likes women -

418. I've known you for a long time,

419. you've had a lot of women... Don't say it in that creepy voice.

420. I like women, I like men, it's all good.

421. But mainly women, innit.

422. What do you think he's got in the box, at this stage?

423. I mean, a severed hand?

424. So you're a man that likes women.

425. Yeah.

426. You're right, Paul, I do... ..like women.

427. Oh, it's not creepy.

428. It's a game of Twister.

429. That is lovely.

430. Right, go on, then, quick as you can. Oh, Jesus, really?

431. How are you going to rate them? I have no idea.

432. I'm putting Man Down, Sara's episode, last.

433. Then I'm going to put Twister. Sorry.

434. Naked Twister, man. I know...

435. I know what you're implying, and so does everyone else.

436. Rolo third.

437. In second place, the footstool.

438. My town gets no publicity.

439. I'm putting Dave Gorman's Wemmian gifts first. Viva Shropshire! Wem!

440. How does that affect the scoreboard?

441. Well, he may have come last in the opening two episodes,

442. but Paul Chowdhry is still in the lead! Yes!

443. Can't believe it.

444. What is next in line, Alex?

445. This one, Greg. Cooking!

446. Hello.

447. Hello. Ooh! A tray.

448. What?

449. I don't even understand.

450. "Create the best... flag meal."

451. That's on there like that's a thing.

452. What's a flag meal?

453. The Taskmaster likes to eat meals that look like flags.

454. OK. An actual flag? Yes, please.

455. "You have ten minutes to choose your flag and plan your meal."

456. "Then 30 minutes to prepare your meal.

457. "Best flag meal wins.

458. "Your time starts..."

459. "..now."

460. Right. I need some rice and some food colouring.

461. I like flags, I like food.

462. And as always, I have to taste the food for you. Yes, of course.

463. Do you want to see what Sara did for you? Yes, please. OK.

464. Here's Sara's flag.

465. This is absolutely fabulous.

466. Hello, Sara. Hello, Alex. Dinner's ready. And what flag is that?

467. Are you... shitting me?

468. It's the Canadian flag!

469. Look at that. Wow.

470. And it's only 15,000 calories.

471. Let's hope he likes it.

472. Mmm.

473. The icing's quite...

474. .. chewy. Like a real flag.

475. That's exactly what it tastes like - a real flag.

476. That's what I wanted!

477. It LOOKS great.

478. Thank you, Sara. Thank you. What did you say it was again? Canada?

479. Canada, yeah.

480. Well, it certainly was an impressive flag. Can we see it again?

481. If you want. Whoa! It's pretty good.

482. It's a beautiful thing. Is it a meal?

483. Yeah! It's a starter and dessert.

484. They bring it to you and you eat the fruit

485. and then they bring it back when you've had your main

486. and then you have the liquorice.

487. And the icing. Yeah. Have you not been to Canada?

488. Is this what those guys eat?

489. It's traditional. That's why they're so happy.

490. And why they're all diabetic.

491. Al? Do you want to see Al's?

492. What flag do you think Al did?

493. Oh, you didn't.

494. No, I didn't!

495. You didn't piss in the tray, did you?

496. Go on. OK.

497. This is what Al did.

498. Well, you asked for a flag meal.

499. Oh, it's the wrong way up. Sorry.

500. Oh! Yeah, Great Britain. Don't you hate it when that happens?

501. How did you do these lines?

502. Very accurate. With a spoon.

503. Just laying it out.

504. I'm going to taste a bit of each colour. Yeah, sure. I think.

505. I'm sure it's delicious.

506. I'm not sure it's delicious, but I'll tell you in a minute.

507. Ooh, he's straight in. Mmm.

508. Straightforward, isn't it? Yeah. As a meal.

509. You'll notice you get a tang off the colouring.

510. Strange taste, the red, isn't it?

511. Yes. That's how I'd describe it.

512. It's not unpleasant. No.

513. Thank you, Al. I'm glad you liked it.

514. I mean, "liked" is a strong word... No, you liked it.

515. You know, you weren't sick or anything.

516. If you're not sick, you liked it? Yeah.

517. I wasn't sick, you're right. Brilliant.

518. Delicious lovely Union... Was it delicious?

519. I really like rice. Yeah.

520. I love rice. Just as well, mate, innit?

521. There was a lot of rice.

522. There were three whole bottles of food colouring.

523. Two reds, one blue. But it was all right!

524. It was all right. It didn't taste that bad, did it?

525. Can we call rice a meal?

526. If you eat enough of it, yeah.

527. I mean, if you ate all that, you'd be, "Oh, what a lovely meal."

528. Right? Boom-ba, fatty boom-ba,

529. lovely meal!

530. Let's have a look at Dave Gorman's flag meal.

531. Right.

532. Mr Horne. Hi, Dave.

533. Your skull and crossbones surprise.

534. And there it is! That looks...

535. .. delicious.

536. Bit of the lower jaw with one of the teeth

537. and obviously some of the black... Black rice.

538. It's delicious, isn't it? Delicious.

539. I can imagine it's the sort of thing you would eat at sea,

540. when, you know, for months. Yeah.

541. And then it might taste... all right.

542. Great flag meal, Dave. Thank you very much. Thank you.

543. Did you enjoy the champagne with your meal?

544. No, I didn't get any champagne, in the end.

545. No. Was there any champagne in the meal?

546. There was some champagne in the chef.

547. So when you were asked what ingredients you wanted,

548. you ordered yourself a bottle of champagne.

549. I mean, the reaction of the crowd to the actual flag speaks for itself.

550. I mean...

551. There's quail's eggs, some beans, noodles,

552. you've got some cauliflower, squid ink, and rice.

553. Squid ink? Yeah! It's a cooking ingredient.

554. Absolutely incredible.

555. If I were being chased by two boats with pirates on,

556. I would be most frightened of the one flying that flag.

557. I thought it was very tasty,

558. but then I had drunk most of a bottle of champagne.

559. We still have the thrill of Paul and Rob's flag meals to come.

560. Plus the final task of the show, live on stage!

561. See you after the break.

562. Hello there!

563. Welcome back to the last chapter of today's Taskmaster story.

564. We'll soon see five comedians up on the stage

565. for our live task, but before that,

566. we need to conclude the current conundrum.

567. Alex, a little reminder, please.

568. Yes, well, they've all been creating flag meals

569. for me to try and you to judge.

570. So far, I've eaten Sara's maple leaf, Al's union flag,

571. and Dave's Jolly Roger. We're going to have a look at Rob...

572. Rob Beckett now, we're going to have a look at Rob Beckett.

573. Hello.

574. I've got your flag dinner. I'm so hungry.

575. Konnichiwa.

576. Eat it all, mate, just pop it all in.

577. I'm not going to pop it in in one, like an animal.

578. Oh, wow, look at that.

579. It's quite a dark red. Very dark.

580. Blood red. It's like beetroot, innit?

581. What it reminds me of, just before I pop it in,

582. is placenta.

583. Mm.

584. It's... It is what it is, isn't it, Rob?

585. I'm giving up there. Um... I've had half of Japan.

586. I don't think I can eat any more of that.

587. Sure. All right, then. Thank you, Rob. Bye!

588. I mean, the gall to deliver that and say "konnichiwa".

589. I mean, I was going for more, you know,

590. accurate flag than meal,

591. and that is pretty spot on. Were you?

592. Actually, you've only done the middle bit of the flag.

593. You've ignored the rest of it. You've only done part of the flag.

594. A flag isn't just that bit, it's a square around it.

595. I'd seasoned it. With salt.

596. Sounds like you've won.

597. There were two layers to the red.

598. He had for some reason dyed a pancake red

599. and then doused it in ketchup.

600. Have we got someone left? Yeah, we've left Paul to last for once.

601. Oh, now, that can mean two things.

602. He had a go. He had a go, and this is what he did.

603. Mmm!

604. Dinner is served, young man.

605. Thank you, Paul.

606. Wow.

607. What is it? Mexican flag, innit? Is it?

608. Well, I guess we should eat Mexico.

609. Thank you. Like it?

610. No.

611. I don't think it looks like an eagle.

612. Well, it DID look like an eagle, but you ate the beak.

613. Viva la Mexico.

614. "It did look like an eagle till you ate the beak."

615. Is that what you think is

616. the only thing that makes us able to recognise eagles,

617. that they've got beaks? Yeah.

618. So if an eagle wants to disguise itself, it's just got to...

619. "No eagles here!"

620. Clark Kent had the glasses.

621. Eagles have got the beaks.

622. It's meant to feature an eagle holding a serpent in its talon

623. perched on top of a prickly pear cactus. Exactly.

624. What did you use to represent that? Mustard.

625. Does it actually look like the Mexican flag, that? No.

626. What it looks like is the Mali flag. Oh!

627. Mali flag. It genuinely does.

628. I got Mexico and Mali mixed up.

629. Good news, though, we didn't say that the flag had to look like

630. the flag that YOU'D chosen.

631. Just a flag. You had to make a meal out of a flag.

632. Two flags in one, there. You did a subconscious Mali.

633. Right, well, I think the crowd spoke volumes

634. when they saw Dave's Jolly Roger.

635. Straight into first place.

636. Second place, Accidental Mali.

637. I mean, Sara's, I would hate to eat that meal, it would sicken me,

638. but it was beautiful, so third place, I would say.

639. And then, surprise, surprise, Al next and Rob last. Duh!

640. What does that do to our scores, Alex?

641. Paul is still in the lead, but it's not unassailable.

642. Dave is just two points behind.

643. OK, everyone, the time has come for you to leave the area

644. and head to the stage. That's right -

645. it's time for the final task of the show!

646. OK. It's not immediately obvious what on earth is going on.

647. Dave, would you please read the final task out? Here we go.

648. "Anchor these balloons using only bread."

649. Simple as that, right?

650. "The person with the most fully inflated balloons

651. "resting on their mat and held down by bread alone

652. "after 100 seconds wins."

653. It's the old classic.

654. Good luck, everyone. 100 seconds starts...

655. Good luck! Here we go.

656. Oh, oh! We've lost one from Paul.

657. Paul, you need to win this, Paul.

658. This could be your only opportunity.

659. That is a technique. That is a technique.

660. Don't tell the others!

661. You've literally made a balloon sandwich.

662. Literally made a balloon sandwich.

663. I didn't want to point out when any particular individual is doing well,

664. but clearly someone is.

665. Stop looking, stop looking!

666. Come here!

667. Very neat, Paul, very neat.

668. Three here.

669. We've got two here, and then four,

670. and then a lot over there. 20 seconds left.

671. 20 seconds left!

672. Oh, fucking hell.

673. Four seconds.

674. Step away!

675. Step away, step away.

676. OK, come down, let's see how that's affected the final scores.

677. Some pretty exciting balloon-on-bread action there.

678. How did that go?

679. Well, in last place was Al Murray with 2. Wiped out.

680. Paul, who was in the lead, came second last with 3.

681. Oh, Paul, you had everything to play for, mate.

682. Then Dave with 6, Rob with 7,

683. Sara got 10 balloons!

684. Genuinely thrilled, thank you.

685. And Sara very much the architect of that technique -

686. much like the Fosbury Flop,

687. she'll be known for years to come, I'm sure,

688. as the Pascoe Balloon Poke.

689. Great. Here it is - let's find out the final scores, then, please!

690. First of all, I'll let you know

691. that the series leadership has changed hands -

692. that's Mr Rob Beckett now, is in charge of the series.

693. Ooh!

694. Getting a little bit closer, Rob. Incredible.

695. But who's won this particular episode?

696. Well, it's the highest-scoring episode so far, and the winner

697. was Paul Chowdhry! No!

698. Can't believe it. Incredible.

699. Paul Chowdhry is the winner of all the battery-powered items.

700. Paul, please come up and collect your jackpot.

701. Alex, Alex, Alex, well done, you. Well done, you!

702. And well done, me. So, what have we learned today, then?

703. Well, we've learned that if

704. Al Murray ever offers to lend you his tracksuit, think twice.

705. That might not be sweat.

706. We've also learnt that the winner of today's show was...

707. Paul Chowdhry!

708. Thanks, everyone, and farewell for now.