1. Hello there, I'm Greg Davies,Copy !req
2. welcome to a brand-new
series of Taskmaster.Copy !req
3. We have five fresh comedy goliaths,
primed and readyCopy !req
4. to humiliate themselves in a series
of tricky tasks,Copy !req
5. all in the vague hope of taking home
this, the Taskmaster trophy.Copy !req
6. At the end of the series, only one
of them will take home my shiny,Copy !req
7. golden bonce as the ultimate
winner of Taskmaster.Copy !req
8. So, without further ado, let's meet
our new contenders. They are...Copy !req
9. Al Murray!Copy !req
10. Dave Gorman!Copy !req
11. Paul Chowdhry!Copy !req
12. Rob Beckett!Copy !req
13. And Sara Pascoe!Copy !req
14. And here, my faithful servant and
would-be friend, Alex Horne.Copy !req
15. Tell them all a bit about yourself,
Alex. Really? Yes. OK.Copy !req
16. Hello, my name is Alex.Copy !req
17. I'm 37 years old, I like sport and
I'm quite a kind person.Copy !req
18. For example, here are some raisins.Copy !req
19. If you want some raisins.Copy !req
20. No, I don't, I'm all right, thanks.
If you want some raisins...Copy !req
21. No, no, it's nice that they're
there. They're always there.Copy !req
22. They're always in the pocket.Copy !req
23. It's a new series, and I'm expecting
an incredible Prize Task category.Copy !req
24. Are you?Copy !req
25. You're great. So...Copy !req
26. To kick things off,Copy !req
27. we asked our contestants to bring in
their most flamboyant clock.Copy !req
28. So whoever brings in the most
flamboyant clock will win theCopy !req
29. first points of the show.
Maximum points.Copy !req
30. And whoever wins the episode
will go homeCopy !req
31. with five flamboyant clocks, OK?Copy !req
32. Why have a normal clock when you can
have a flamboyant clock?Copy !req
33. Al Murray,
what's your flamboyant clock,Copy !req
34. and why do you consider it to
be flamboyant?Copy !req
35. My flamboyant clock is my
stove at home.Copy !req
36. You can make out the clock just to
the left of the knob on the right.Copy !req
37. You see that?Copy !req
38. That panel there is the clock.Copy !req
39. It comes with a hot plate,Copy !req
40. five gas hobs,Copy !req
41. two fan ovens.Copy !req
42. And a drawer for keeping stuff in.Copy !req
43. So you see this as a clock with an
oven attached, right? Yes.Copy !req
44. Dave, what've you brought?Copy !req
45. And why's it flamboyant,
and is it a clock? It is a clock.Copy !req
46. At first glance, it might appear to
be just an ordinary digital clock.Copy !req
47. But it's actually my microwave oven.Copy !req
48. You swine!Copy !req
49. I'd argue this is far more
flamboyant than an oven.Copy !req
50. Well, of course you would! Yeah!Copy !req
51. Because it's microwaves,
and they're magic. Oh, yeah...Copy !req
52. But I can cook eight things at once.Copy !req
53. With my clock!Copy !req
54. Paul Chowdhry.Copy !req
55. Mine's a pop clock.Copy !req
56. That you can wear on any item
of clothing.Copy !req
57. I've had this for 30 years,
this clock. Yeah.Copy !req
58. Where's the flamboyance?Copy !req
59. You can wear it with anything
that's flamboyant.Copy !req
60. Yeah, I know, but where's the
flamboyance in the clock itself?Copy !req
61. If I go out wearing Al Murray's
oven, I'm looking flamboyant.Copy !req
62. Where's the flamboyance?Copy !req
63. Well, you can put it on,
if you're wearing...Copy !req
64. Like, a kilt, something... So you...Copy !req
65. You define...Copy !req
66. You define flamboyance...Copy !req
67. ..as being an item that I could
attach to a kilt?Copy !req
68. Yes.Copy !req
69. Rob? I've brought a sundial.Copy !req
70. A tortoise sundial.Copy !req
71. Whoo!Copy !req
72. That's my most flamboyant clock.Copy !req
73. I'm very late in the
winter to things.Copy !req
74. Is that because you're still relying
on sundial technology? Yes.Copy !req
75. In the summer though...
I'm always there.Copy !req
76. Pretty flamboyant, innit?Copy !req
77. I don't know. It's the sort of thing
my mum would consider wacky.Copy !req
78. I think your mum's probably quite
a nice lady.Copy !req
79. Oh, she's a lovely woman.
She not flamboyant?Copy !req
80. Yeah, I guess she is a little bit,
maybe you're right.Copy !req
81. "OK", he's gone!Copy !req
82. Sara, what have you... I really
like your flamboyant tortoise.Copy !req
83. Well, I've played this properly and
actually brought a flamboyant clock.Copy !req
84. At last. OK, so here it is.Copy !req
85. Oh, God!Copy !req
86. It's a clock and it's flamboyant!Copy !req
87. And...Copy !req
88. It's genuinely a timepiece.Copy !req
89. My boyfriend is
a huge Freddie Mercury fan,Copy !req
90. and he doesn't know that
I've brought it.Copy !req
91. Are you trying to get rid of it?Copy !req
92. I'm trying really hard to
win this episode!Copy !req
93. Does it belong to your boyfriend?Copy !req
94. It was a gift from me,
so technically I own it.Copy !req
95. I don't think that's how gifts
work. It does, in my family.Copy !req
96. Because if you've fallen out with
the person, you can go,Copy !req
97. "Well, I'm having that back."Copy !req
98. Listen, the horrible truth is,Copy !req
99. I'm going to make really
brutal decisions.Copy !req
100. Do you want to start in fifth place?Copy !req
101. It is the Braveheart Pop Swatch.Copy !req
102. In fifth.Copy !req
103. In fourth place...Copy !req
104. Oh, no. What's wrong?Copy !req
105. I can't truly explain it,
but I'm putting the tortoise.Copy !req
106. Aw!Copy !req
107. It's not an actual tortoise!Copy !req
108. In third place,
I'm putting the microwave.Copy !req
109. In second place...
This is the big one...Copy !req
110. You're not going to believe
I've done this.Copy !req
111. I'm putting the stove.
I don't believe you.Copy !req
112. I'm putting the stove,
and I'll tell you why -Copy !req
113. that's a clock.Copy !req
114. OK. Time for the first full-blown
task of the series. Alex? Yes.Copy !req
115. What've we got?
We've got some track and field.Copy !req
116. Hi.Copy !req
117. Hello, mate!Copy !req
118. Paul.Copy !req
119. Get to the microwave in as few
steps as possible.Copy !req
120. And open the door before the
microwave dings.Copy !req
121. There's five minutes on the clock.Copy !req
122. The microwave is under that tree.Copy !req
123. Where've you plugged it in then?Copy !req
124. There's generator behind the tree.Copy !req
125. Didn't know those trees
had generators.Copy !req
126. As a few steps as possible?Copy !req
127. As few STEPS as possible?Copy !req
128. As few steps as possible.Copy !req
129. The microwave...Copy !req
130. .. starts now.Copy !req
131. Yeah, a simple task, I wanted you to
get to my microwaveCopy !req
132. before the soup cooks,
in as few steps as possible.Copy !req
133. I mean, I don't know why it caused
any confusion whatsoever.Copy !req
134. It's a pretty straightforward task.Copy !req
135. We've mixed it up a little bit
though, added a few hurdles,Copy !req
136. literally, and another hurdle in
that I did ask AlexCopy !req
137. if he could make sure there was
a lot of goose shit on the track.Copy !req
138. Who are we going to see first?
I think... Shall we see Rob?Copy !req
139. Great place to start,
let's have a look.Copy !req
140. Can I just give you my coat, yeah?
Put it on if you want, mate.Copy !req
141. Nice in the sun, innit?Copy !req
142. Right, I'm going to roll there.Copy !req
143. Ooh, it's quite a far way, innit?Copy !req
144. I feel dizzy.Copy !req
145. It gets you really dizzy quick,
that.Copy !req
146. This is the future, mate.Copy !req
147. I'm going to be covered in
goose shit, ain't I?Copy !req
148. Ugh...Copy !req
149. I think I might be sick.Copy !req
150. Ugh, I've just had a
coffee as well!Copy !req
151. Feel like me head's going
to explode.Copy !req
152. What other ways can I get there
without stepping?Copy !req
153. Just have to roll there, won't I?Copy !req
154. All right? Ooh...Copy !req
155. I'm sorry!Copy !req
156. Arguably a more efficient way of
transporting yourself about.Copy !req
157. More fun, but don't have a big
coffee beforehand.Copy !req
158. I thought I was going to be
sick out me eyes.Copy !req
159. You must have a very
weak constitution,Copy !req
160. I don't know why drinking a massive
coffee and thenCopy !req
161. rolling around in goose shit would
make you feel sick.Copy !req
162. Any steps involved?Copy !req
163. There were just a couple of little
ones, just before the manoeuvre.Copy !req
164. I sense the step over the fence.
Just before that.Copy !req
165. Because we all saw the forward-reach
over-we-go tumble with pike,Copy !req
166. which is a 6.2 difficulty level.Copy !req
167. There were four little steps just
before the flip, and that was it.Copy !req
168. The rest was rolls.Copy !req
169. And his time was...?Copy !req
170. Irrelevant.Copy !req
171. Four steps. Who's next?Copy !req
172. We're going
to have a look at Paul and Dave.Copy !req
173. Is that a step?Copy !req
174. Ooof!Copy !req
175. OK.Copy !req
176. Thank you, Dave.Copy !req
177. Incredibly quick.Copy !req
178. Yeah.Copy !req
179. Thank you, Paul.Copy !req
180. Your soup.Copy !req
181. It's ready, sir. Lovely.Copy !req
182. That's piping hot.Copy !req
183. Good techniques there, Paul.
Thank you.Copy !req
184. It's very early for me to be
trotting out Chinese proverbs,Copy !req
185. but that does make me think of the
classic, when is a step not a step?Copy !req
186. When it's on a fucking hurdle.Copy !req
187. "Is that a step? Is that a step?"
I thought that was a step.Copy !req
188. He's already got a catchphrase!Copy !req
189. It is slightly relevant,
he took well over seven minutes.Copy !req
190. Aw!Copy !req
191. And the total of steps
I counted was 125.Copy !req
192. A lot more than if you've just
walked casually.Copy !req
193. If I...Copy !req
194. It's all right, mate.Copy !req
195. If I was able to give artistic
style points, mate,Copy !req
196. you'd be romping ahead in this,
I tell you.Copy !req
197. It was awesome.
I was intrigued by yours, Dave,Copy !req
198. because I've seen some of
your shows,Copy !req
199. and they're incredibly meticulously
thought-out and clever.Copy !req
200. And...Copy !req
201. I think I thought the task was,
in steps,Copy !req
202. but as few of them as possible.Copy !req
203. Oh, I see, so you thought you
had to be stepping. Yeah.Copy !req
204. Apart from when I did the
forward roll,Copy !req
205. I'd sort of worked it out by then.Copy !req
206. That was really good.Copy !req
207. How many steps? 50 steps.Copy !req
208. Or, if we use Paul Chowdhry's
definition...?Copy !req
209. Still 50 steps.Copy !req
210. Al and Sara's attempts still to
come, after the break, see you then.Copy !req
211. Welcome back to Taskmaster,Copy !req
212. where exclusive membership to
Al Murray's ovenCopy !req
213. is being hotly contested for.Copy !req
214. Alex, where were we?Copy !req
215. We were on the athletics track,
watching our comedians tryingCopy !req
216. to reach a microwave in the
smallest number of steps.Copy !req
217. So far, Rob Beckett is in the lead,Copy !req
218. Paul Chowdhry has been disqualified,Copy !req
219. up next, Al Murray
and Sara Pascoe together.Copy !req
220. The floor is so gross!Copy !req
221. None of it's steps, is it?Copy !req
222. Ugh, so much shit!Copy !req
223. This is a metaphor for
show business.Copy !req
224. Are they steps? No.Copy !req
225. It's so pooey, Alex.Copy !req
226. I mean, really.Copy !req
227. Just click the door open,
you've got plenty of time.Copy !req
228. There you go.Copy !req
229. There's the soup.Copy !req
230. What, have I got to eat the soup?Copy !req
231. There we go, thank you.Copy !req
232. What flavour soup is it? Pea. Oh.Copy !req
233. Smashed it. Thanks, Al.Copy !req
234. My initial impulse on watching
Sara's technique isCopy !req
235. it was just fancy stepping.Copy !req
236. In leather trousers. Admittedly,
stylistically incredible.Copy !req
237. Can we ask the expert?Copy !req
238. Paul, was it a step?Copy !req
239. There were some steps.Copy !req
240. I counted it as 27 steps. OK.Copy !req
241. Talk to me about Al.Copy !req
242. I counted eight little steps.
For the whole run?Copy !req
243. I'm pretty pleased with that.
But he was walking on his knees.Copy !req
244. Every definition of step I found
involved the foot.Copy !req
245. Nothing mentioned the knee, so...
OK. That's out of order, mate.Copy !req
246. So, these are the results.Copy !req
247. Essentially, Paul, you're
disqualified, I'm so sorry,Copy !req
248. because you didn't do it within the
time, nothing to do withCopy !req
249. your incredible understanding
of stepping.Copy !req
250. In fourth place, it's Dave
"Big Stepper" Gorman.Copy !req
251. In third place it's
Sara "Fussy Steps" Pascoe.Copy !req
252. In second place, it's Al "Mainly
Kneeling Some Step" Murray.Copy !req
253. And in first place,
with an incredible...Copy !req
254. .. shitty, sicky performance...Copy !req
255. Thank you. ..it's Rob The Roller.Copy !req
256. Alex, I think it's time for the
first scoreboard update, please.Copy !req
257. OK, well, it's very close, it's,
uh...Copy !req
258. There's a tie! There's a tie for the
lead.Copy !req
259. Al and Sara both have eight points.Copy !req
260. Great. On with the next task.
Of course. Here we go.Copy !req
261. Hi. Hi, Al.Copy !req
262. What's this? It's for you.Copy !req
263. It's for me? It's a frozen pea?Copy !req
264. Am I supposed to eat this? No, no.Copy !req
265. Off you go. Open that first, yeah?Copy !req
266. Propel this pea
the furthest distance.Copy !req
267. Your pea must land and remainCopy !req
268. on the red carpet.Copy !req
269. I'll just throw it in this. Will the
pea definitely land on the...Copy !req
270. Oh, so the pea's gotta... It's up to
you, whatever you think the task...Copy !req
271. "The pea must land on the..."
Well, it's gonna land on it.Copy !req
272. Is that... That's on the carpet.Copy !req
273. That'll be on the carpet. Will it?
There's a pea in there.Copy !req
274. Isn't it?Copy !req
275. It doesn't say the pea must land on
the carpet, the pea will beCopy !req
276. on the carpet, it doesn't say it
must make contact with the carpet.Copy !req
277. You do what you think's right, Rob.Copy !req
278. Well, if Davies' got a problem with
it I'll knock him out.Copy !req
279. Well, I mean...Copy !req
280. There's a few
things to address there.Copy !req
281. I mean, you're a younger man than
me, and you're probably fitter,Copy !req
282. but if I get one
haymaker on you, mate...Copy !req
283. ..it'll arguably kill you. And the
second thing is,Copy !req
284. don't disrespect me or
I'll make you come last.Copy !req
285. OK.Copy !req
286. It's worth us talking about the fact
that what they shouldn't do isCopy !req
287. just fling the pea, because there's
the carpetCopy !req
288. and then there's the grass.
No-one's gonna get that taskCopy !req
289. and see a tiny pea and a red carpet
in a windy garden and think,Copy !req
290. "I'm just gonna bung this."Copy !req
291. No, we've picked... These are
intelligent people.Copy !req
292. Very bright. Very bright.Copy !req
293. Yeah, so we'll start with Sara, Paul
and Dave, if you like.Copy !req
294. Let's see how far this gets, then.Copy !req
295. This ain't gonna work, is
it? I've lost a pea.Copy !req
296. You gave me a green pea!Copy !req
297. Now I've gotta find the pea.Copy !req
298. Any clues?Copy !req
299. I think it's on the... on the grass.
I can't see it on the carpet.Copy !req
300. Yeah, we could spend a lot of time
looking for a pea.Copy !req
301. How do we know where it is? Who can
see that far?Copy !req
302. It's on the carpet!Copy !req
303. Is it on the... It's on the carpet?
Yeah!Copy !req
304. OK, I've got a measuring tape.Copy !req
305. OK, centimetres... Is this
centimetres? Yes.Copy !req
306. Have you got a spare pea?Copy !req
307. It had to be that pea, I'm afraid.
It's got to be that exact pea?Copy !req
308. It's like finding a pea in
a... haystack.Copy !req
309. Shit!Copy !req
310. I'm just going to go and have a sit
down. Can I get you anything? A pea?Copy !req
311. Not to use.Copy !req
312. I quite like a pea.
To compare it to.Copy !req
313. As a comparison, yeah, that would
be nice.Copy !req
314. And, also, I just like a snack, a
frozen...Copy !req
315. I will get you a pea,
but I will mark the pea.Copy !req
316. If you wouldn't mind. OK.
Thank you very much.Copy !req
317. Oh, that was further.Copy !req
318. That's further, I think, Alex!Copy !req
319. It's a new personal best! Woo!
18 metres and 27.Copy !req
320. Hey, I'm glad you went again now.Copy !req
321. I've brought you a pea but I don't
think you should eat it.Copy !req
322. I've injected it with black ink.Copy !req
323. I do trust you, but I don't...Copy !req
324. .. entirely trust you. Oh, no, that's
fine. I'm going to eat this one.Copy !req
325. Have you eaten it? Yeah.Copy !req
326. Swallowed.Copy !req
327. Oh, my God.Copy !req
328. It's wedged in the
strings of the racket.Copy !req
329. It was there all along.Copy !req
330. Well, unlucky, I suppose, Paul.Copy !req
331. No score. No score on that one.Copy !req
332. No score.Copy !req
333. Would you like us to measure that?
Yeah.Copy !req
334. No, that's not as far. I was closer
to that leaf before. Are you sure?Copy !req
335. Do you want me to measure it
anyway?Copy !req
336. Yeah, measure it anyway, because
it's on there.Copy !req
337. Congratulations on 12 metres 11.
Thank you very much. I'm very...Copy !req
338. Pleased with that.
.. pleased with that.Copy !req
339. I can't imagine
someone beating 12 metres.Copy !req
340. 17 metres 14.Copy !req
341. We thought so, didn't we? Yeah.Copy !req
342. Respectable. Anyone else want a go
of throwing a pea? It's pretty fun.Copy !req
343. Poor little Paul.Copy !req
344. I mean, I was mocking of the idea
that somebody wouldCopy !req
345. just grab the pea and bung
it up the carpet.Copy !req
346. But she hit the carpet every time,
right?Copy !req
347. Yeah, she only did it three
times and they went in.Copy !req
348. 18 metres and 27 centimetres.Copy !req
349. It's not a sentence I thought I'd
ever say, but, you know,Copy !req
350. great pea-throwing.Copy !req
351. Thank you! Thank you so much.Copy !req
352. Paul,Copy !req
353. you're having a mare at the moment.Copy !req
354. You said propel the pea, so I got a
cricket bat to propel it.Copy !req
355. She's just chucked the pea.Copy !req
356. There's so many words I'm going to
have to teach you.Copy !req
357. Dave. Yes. OK. Let's cut to the
chase here.Copy !req
358. I'm going to ask you a question.
Yeah. A very simple question. Yeah.Copy !req
359. And I want you to answer honestly.Copy !req
360. Now, you're not in trouble...Copy !req
361. .. but I'm asking you directly now.
Yeah.Copy !req
362. Did you cheat? No.Copy !req
363. I'm going to ask you one more time.Copy !req
364. Did you cheat?Copy !req
365. No, Greg, I did not.Copy !req
366. OK. We can see the racket there, so
that's where it got, it got wedged.Copy !req
367. It looks firmly wedged, doesn't it,
Dave? It was wedged.Copy !req
368. Yeah. We can also see the racket
just after you struck the pea.Copy !req
369. Um...Copy !req
370. Pea's gone. Or has it?Copy !req
371. Oooooh!Copy !req
372. Go on.Copy !req
373. I know what's happened here, I know
what's happened here.Copy !req
374. At some point, while I'm trying to
search for the pea,Copy !req
375. I was using the racket to sweep
through the...Copy !req
376. Oh... Oh, turn it in, mate!Copy !req
377. I believe him. I believe Dave.Copy !req
378. We'll make a judgment on this after
the break. See you then.Copy !req
379. Welcome back to Taskmaster,Copy !req
380. where five of the UK's best-loved
but least flamboyant comediansCopy !req
381. are playing for each
other's most flamboyant clocks.Copy !req
382. Who's next, Alex? Do you want to
have a look at Rob, Rob Beckett?Copy !req
383. Yeah, Rob Beckett! Yeah!Copy !req
384. OK, here is Rob.Copy !req
385. Propel!Copy !req
386. Can I put it in the wheelbarrow
and then tip it on the thing?Copy !req
387. If I go round and round, that's
propelling it with force or drive...Copy !req
388. Uh-huh. .. and then when I finish,
fucking bang it on there.Copy !req
389. 30 metres. I've not stopped. I know.
You're slowing me down!Copy !req
390. Propelling it forward with drive and
motion. Looks like propelling.Copy !req
391. Well, if you'd hurry up,
I'd be propelling a bit more.Copy !req
392. One lap is 81.30 metres.
81 metres?Copy !req
393. Right, I'm going to do 1,000 and
then I'll put it on a carpet.Copy !req
394. That number four? This is the fourth
one, isn't it? Eh...Copy !req
395. You've done three I think.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
396. Nice having a good propel, innit?
You're over 300 metres now.Copy !req
397. That's probably enough I reckon.Copy !req
398. I'll do one more just to stay
on the safe side.Copy !req
399. OK, so what I'm going to do is...Copy !req
400. .. come round here...Copy !req
401. Oh!Copy !req
402. So 406, plus another 8 metres.Copy !req
403. 414. 414? 414 metres.Copy !req
404. How long have
I got left on the time?Copy !req
405. "Propel... definition." It's a verb.Copy !req
406. "Drive or push something forwards."Copy !req
407. Mate, I've just drove a wheelbarrow
forwards... 414 metres.Copy !req
408. ..414 metres. And 53cm.Copy !req
409. It's landed on the red carpet and
it's remained there. Yeah.Copy !req
410. Thank you, Rob.Copy !req
411. I mean, incredible.Copy !req
412. It was almost like you were
justifying itCopy !req
413. in anticipation of an argument.Copy !req
414. It's not normal I use words
to my advantage.Copy !req
415. We've got Al Murray next.
OK.Copy !req
416. There. It's landed on...
Landed on the carpet.Copy !req
417. Let's see how far we can get
the pea to go. OK.Copy !req
418. I've got to go as far as I can and
back in the next 20 minutes.Copy !req
419. If we can just go up the M4 as far
as we can. 1.6 miles now.Copy !req
420. This is fantastic. Yeah,
making a lot of progress. 16 miles.Copy !req
421. There we go, just shy of 18 miles.
18 miles!Copy !req
422. Brilliant.
Just on the right. Thanks, Bob.Copy !req
423. Shall we check for peas? Probably...Copy !req
424. Oh, oh...Copy !req
425. Oh! Yes!Copy !req
426. It remained on the carpet, Al.Copy !req
427. It was propelled, right?
Did he propel it?Copy !req
428. Al paid for the cab, he paid £150.Copy !req
429. No, he didn't!Copy !req
430. Amazing watching someone pay £150 to
take a pea to Slough.Copy !req
431. I can't wait for that taxi driver to
be in the pub going,Copy !req
432. "Seriously, the Pub Landlord
hailed me...Copy !req
433. ".. and made me drive into Slough
with a pea."Copy !req
434. Weirdly, I know his niece.Copy !req
435. Lovely little detail.
She's a GP in Croydon.Copy !req
436. I DO like Croydon.Copy !req
437. How far did Al propel his pea?
18 miles.Copy !req
438. Wow. 18 miles.Copy !req
439. Now, here's the news - Dave
has been disqualified for cheating,Copy !req
440. ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
441. What? I did not cheat!
Ohh...Copy !req
442. Sorry, that's what's happened, mate.Copy !req
443. That's very bad news, although...Copy !req
444. ..I do admire you having a go.Copy !req
445. What's great news is, even though
you lost it, you did propel the pea.Copy !req
446. You get points!Copy !req
447. He's in fourth place and he's
got two points!Copy !req
448. In third place was arguably the only
person who enteredCopy !req
449. into the proper spirit of the pea
throwing - Sara Pascoe.Copy !req
450. Gets three points.Copy !req
451. In second place was Rob with his
awesome barrow work.Copy !req
452. Four points. And in first place,
Al Murray, five points.Copy !req
453. Alex, how does that affect
the scoreboard?Copy !req
454. Well, we have an
outright leader now,Copy !req
455. and that is obviously Mr Al Murray.Copy !req
456. OK, one more task, please.Copy !req
457. OK, I'm really trying my best
to please you,Copy !req
458. and this one is a Christmassy task.Copy !req
459. "Make the best snowman."Copy !req
460. "You have one hour.Copy !req
461. "Your time starts now."Copy !req
462. Well, that's pretty tricky,
isn't it?Copy !req
463. It's not snowing.Copy !req
464. I suppose I should
check out the windowCopy !req
465. to see if it's started snowing.Copy !req
466. What's the weather like, Rob? Balmy!Copy !req
467. Well, it's not going to snow in
an hour, is it?Copy !req
468. No. "11 o'clock - sunny."
It's 10 o'clock now.Copy !req
469. No snow today.Copy !req
470. Tomorrow - no snow.
There's no snow this week.Copy !req
471. You didn't think it was
going to snow,Copy !req
472. you were just messing around,
weren't you? No, I thought...Copy !req
473. Cos it snowed in April this year,
when Prince diedCopy !req
474. and he wrote that song
"It Snowed in April",Copy !req
475. then he died a week later, so...Copy !req
476. Yeah, you shouldn't use that
to forecast weather.Copy !req
477. There's never,
ever been purple rain.Copy !req
478. Who's first? I thought
we'd start off withCopy !req
479. a little enthusiastic
Rob Beckett again. Oh, little Rob!Copy !req
480. Little, eager Rob.
Look at little Rob!Copy !req
481. Right, basically,
snow's out the window.Copy !req
482. I was going to get loads of
marshmallows and do that,Copy !req
483. but then it's just
a marshmallow man, isn't it?Copy !req
484. Will marshmallows stick together?Copy !req
485. As in sort of...Copy !req
486. Oh! I've got all the marshmallows.
You've got a lot, haven't you?Copy !req
487. That's a bit of one.Copy !req
488. You have to really squeeze.Copy !req
489. 90 seconds, Rob. No worries, mate.Copy !req
490. Thank you, Rob. I'll take that.Copy !req
491. You pleased with that?
If you're after a snowman... no.Copy !req
492. But I thought,
"If you can't make it,Copy !req
493. "make something that looks like it."Copy !req
494. I think it was
a lovely marshmallow man though.Copy !req
495. Yeah, you can't make snow,
so I thought,Copy !req
496. "I'll just make one that looks
like a snowman."Copy !req
497. If a child had made a Christmas card
at school and it was made outCopy !req
498. of cotton wool making a snowman,
you wouldn't go,Copy !req
499. "That's not a snowman", you would
say, "That's a lovely snowman."Copy !req
500. Oh, no, no, I would kick it out
their hands and say,Copy !req
501. "That's not a snowman."Copy !req
502. Who's next? I've grouped
Al and Sara together again. Ohh!Copy !req
503. Do you want to see them?
Yeah. OK.Copy !req
504. So we...Copy !req
505. I could make a mould of some kind,
fill it with water,Copy !req
506. put it in the freezer...Copy !req
507. I need, like, four litres of vanilla
ice cream and a bag of raisins.Copy !req
508. And some wool. OK.
To make the scarf. Yeah.Copy !req
509. A couple of colours, please.Copy !req
510. You've got to diversify these days,
haven't you?Copy !req
511. I can't remember ever not
being able to plait.Copy !req
512. Look, it's a snowman.Copy !req
513. I'm going to call him Scoopy.Copy !req
514. Now, some of this is going
to be the base.Copy !req
515. Jam it into the tray. Yes!
And that's your snowman shape.Copy !req
516. There it is. OK, carrot's too big.Copy !req
517. There we go.Copy !req
518. Oh! Actually, I've got an idea.
There is some ice in here.Copy !req
519. I'm going to add some ice to it,Copy !req
520. which will speed up its
freezing process.Copy !req
521. This will help it along.Copy !req
522. There we go. OK, 40 minutes left,
Al, so we're going to...Copy !req
523. Great, 35 minutes...
We'll check it. We'll check it.Copy !req
524. Should have frozen solid by then,
we'll take it out, job done.Copy !req
525. This is the coal buttons.Copy !req
526. So... There he is. "I don't want to
come out of the box!"Copy !req
527. He's lovely, isn't he? Scoopy.Copy !req
528. I'm happy.Copy !req
529. Isn't he nice?
Aww.Copy !req
530. I said in the studio while we were
watching thoseCopy !req
531. that watching Al make it is likeCopy !req
532. watching a man in
the middle of a breakdown.Copy !req
533. And then I expected to be...Copy !req
534. ..to be corrected when
I saw the snowmanCopy !req
535. be a thing of great beauty.Copy !req
536. What I saw was a monstrous,
awful freak.Copy !req
537. What I see there,Copy !req
538. I see a creature in pain.Copy !req
539. I see a Chernobyl snowman saying,
"Kill me, someone kill me."Copy !req
540. I have no doubt that would
make my nieces cry.Copy !req
541. Is their uncle a cab driver?Copy !req
542. Oh, wow. I do love it,
Al, it's incredible.Copy !req
543. Sara, what do you think
of Sara's snowman?Copy !req
544. It's not snow!Copy !req
545. It's frozen...
It's not snow! Yours isn't snow!Copy !req
546. Yours is ice from a freezer.
Mine's closer to snow.Copy !req
547. Ice cream is as close as ice is.
What, is there milk in clouds?Copy !req
548. If it has evaporated,
enough of it, then yeah.Copy !req
549. Well, arguably, the cows might spill
a bit of milk sometimes.Copy !req
550. Yeah, arguably. Arguably.Copy !req
551. Do you want to see Scoopy again?Copy !req
552. Yes, I want to see Scoopy again,
he's lovely.Copy !req
553. I think about him every day.
Aww.Copy !req
554. Ohh!Copy !req
555. Agh!Copy !req
556. And you know what?Copy !req
557. At the end of that VT, Scoopy was
still happier than Al's snowman.Copy !req
558. Do you want, eh, a raisin?
No, I'm fine.Copy !req
559. You're an inspiration, it was
a really lovely ice cream man.Copy !req
560. Who's left?Copy !req
561. It's Dave and Paul, I think we'll
see Dave first. Oh, dear.Copy !req
562. Can I get a very large bucket...Copy !req
563. .. and 200 packets of powdered
potato? OK.Copy !req
564. So, yeah, as soon as you can,
please. Right, yeah, I'll hurry.Copy !req
565. That's very good. Is that enough?
No, that's good.Copy !req
566. The kettle is on, so if you could
start getting some boiling water.Copy !req
567. Yeah, that's lovely, thank you.
I've got another one. Yeah, please.Copy !req
568. I'll be honest - it's not as white
as I was hoping, it's quite yellow.Copy !req
569. It's very yellow. Smells nice, Dave,
your snowman.Copy !req
570. Do you think?
School dinners.Copy !req
571. Let's try see what this looks like.Copy !req
572. I'm actually quite happy with that.Copy !req
573. It's coming on, isn't it?Copy !req
574. Is there a hose anywhere?
Yes, there is a hose.Copy !req
575. Is that connected?Copy !req
576. Have you got the carrot?Copy !req
577. Would you like me to get you the
carrot? I'd like the carrot, please.Copy !req
578. Ahh.Copy !req
579. I'm quite happy with that.Copy !req
580. I mean, earlier in today's show,
I was a little concernedCopy !req
581. about your literal interpretations
of some of the tasks.Copy !req
582. Steps. The big step thing. Yeah.Copy !req
583. You're back in the game, because
someone says, "Make a snowman,"Copy !req
584. and you ask for mash.Copy !req
585. Really nice. Thank you.Copy !req
586. OK, after the break,Copy !req
587. not only will we see something
that I'm looking forward to...Copy !req
588. .. more than I can tell you -Copy !req
589. seeing Paul Chowdhry's attempt
at a snowman -Copy !req
590. but all five will take to the stageCopy !req
591. for the first live task
of the series. See you then.Copy !req
592. Hello and welcome back
to the final part of the show.Copy !req
593. It won't be long before we find out
who has to haul homeCopy !req
594. Rob's giant tortoise sundial
and Dave's chunky microwave.Copy !req
595. But, first, weren't we about to
watch Paul do something?Copy !req
596. Yes, we were.
They've all been building snowmenCopy !req
597. out of marshmallows, potatoes
and ice cream,Copy !req
598. but we're yet to see
Paul Chowdhry's attempt,Copy !req
599. and he didn't use
any of those items.Copy !req
600. Would you like to see what he used?
I mean...Copy !req
601. .. genuinely more than anything. OK.Copy !req
602. I guess, um, can you buy me...Copy !req
603. ..a Slush Puppie?Copy !req
604. What flavour?Copy !req
605. Snow flavour.Copy !req
606. Hi, Paul.Copy !req
607. Ah! Got you a bag of ice,
two Slush Puppies and a white teddy.Copy !req
608. Excellent.Copy !req
609. OK, good luck. Finally.Copy !req
610. That's a snowman-bear, innit?Copy !req
611. How's that?Copy !req
612. You see, the expression
and the tearsCopy !req
613. reflects what I'm going through
on the inside.Copy !req
614. Bastard's crying, innit?Copy !req
615. Right at the end, just...Copy !req
616. ..as the final image of
a snowman was in place, he said,Copy !req
617. "The bastard's crying, innit?"Copy !req
618. Let's have a look at the bastard.Copy !req
619. Oh, it's dark, mate, innit?
It's dark.Copy !req
620. I'm starting to think
we shouldn't be laughing at Paul.Copy !req
621. I've got so many questions
I want to ask you, Paul.Copy !req
622. My first question is...Copy !req
623. ..is everything all right?Copy !req
624. Snowbear, innit?Copy !req
625. It's not a bear! It's a rabbit.
It's a rabbit.Copy !req
626. It's a rabbit
with some ice on it!Copy !req
627. That's not a bear, it's a rabbit.Copy !req
628. It was... It was powerful, wasn't
it? In the room, we were moved.Copy !req
629. I mean, it's incredible, look at it!Copy !req
630. I like it, he used ice. Yeah.Copy !req
631. I was about to say, and it's
something I've written down, Al -Copy !req
632. thanks for backing Paul up -Copy !req
633. he has used something cold
in his snowman,Copy !req
634. which is one of the traditional
elements of a snowman,Copy !req
635. it's built of a cold substance.Copy !req
636. There you go.
So, in that regard...Copy !req
637. .. well done.Copy !req
638. And I'll go further.Copy !req
639. If this was about artistryCopy !req
640. and about creating something that
really moves people...Copy !req
641. ..you'd have won this task.Copy !req
642. However...Copy !req
643. .. we agreed some criteria.Copy !req
644. And they were, you know,Copy !req
645. it should be recognisable
as a snowman.Copy !req
646. Traditionally, the snowman's
outdoors, like Dave's, for example.Copy !req
647. Recognisable elements we agreed.Copy !req
648. Traditional elements.
Like the scarf.Copy !req
649. The carrot nose, which we provided.
The eyes.Copy !req
650. And then scale.Copy !req
651. We thought, you know,
when people are making a snowman,Copy !req
652. they normally go for big.
"Oh, that's a big one!"Copy !req
653. Bigger. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
654. Who's in last place, Greg?Copy !req
655. In fifth place, it's Paul Chowdhry.Copy !req
656. Not artistically, mate - number one.Copy !req
657. In fourth place, it's Rob, cos
it was made out of marshmallows.Copy !req
658. Number three, Al... Oh, God!
I can't lose to that! In the drawer!Copy !req
659. It don't look anything like
a snowman! Al's is monstrous.Copy !req
660. Second place,
we're putting the ice cream, Sara.Copy !req
661. And even though it wasn't
made out of cold stuff,Copy !req
662. we think that Dave made
the best snowman.Copy !req
663. There it is, it's done.Copy !req
664. How's that affected the scoreboard?Copy !req
665. Well, it's tight.
It's tight at the top.Copy !req
666. There's one point
separating the top two people.Copy !req
667. There's three points
separating the top three.Copy !req
668. And Paul's still in it,
so let's have a look. Al...Copy !req
669. Al's in first place with 16 points.
There we go.Copy !req
670. It's near the end of the show but,
before we can find out our winner,Copy !req
671. there's one more thing to do.Copy !req
672. So, for the first time this series,Copy !req
673. will you all please head
to the stage for the final task?Copy !req
674. Looks like
all five of our contestantsCopy !req
675. have got some
lovely new friends there.Copy !req
676. Rob, would you read out
the task, please?Copy !req
677. Hi, Rob. Hi, mate. You all right?
You OK? Yeah, yeah, great.Copy !req
678. I'm just going to crack on
with this, though.Copy !req
679. "Balance your swedes on your Swede.Copy !req
680. "Your Swede must remain
standing at all times.Copy !req
681. "Your swedes may only balance
on the exterior of your Swede.Copy !req
682. "Most swedes resting on a Swede
after 100 seconds wins."Copy !req
683. A lot of "Swede" in that,
in't there?Copy !req
684. So, in summary, as many swedes
on a Swede in the time allowed.Copy !req
685. And the Swede has to be standing up?Copy !req
686. The Swede must remain standing
at all times.Copy !req
687. You can manipulate your Swede
in any other way.Copy !req
688. And when Alex says
you can manipulate themCopy !req
689. in any way you want...Copy !req
690. Emotionally, leave them alone.Copy !req
691. Good luck, everyone.Copy !req
692. Get sweding!Copy !req
693. I'll take the swedes off.
Go on, Paul!Copy !req
694. On the head. Early on the head.Copy !req
695. Oh, my word.Copy !req
696. You're going back, are you?Copy !req
697. One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine...Copy !req
698. 12! 12.Copy !req
699. How's it going, Rob? Not very well.
Keeps falling off, that one?Copy !req
700. Also, having a lady is a bit of
a disadvantage on the old space...Copy !req
701. 20 seconds!Copy !req
702. Oh, there's a lot there.
There's a lot there.Copy !req
703. Yep.Copy !req
704. It's respectable, it's respectable.
15 seconds left!Copy !req
705. 15 seconds!Copy !req
706. Ten seconds!
After which you must step away.Copy !req
707. Five seconds!Copy !req
708. Four!Copy !req
709. Three!Copy !req
710. Two! One!Copy !req
711. Step away, step away.Copy !req
712. Paul! Step away, step away.Copy !req
713. You can step there. Just there.Copy !req
714. Ladies and gentlemen,
with thanks to our regular, Fred,Copy !req
715. and to the London Swedes.Copy !req
716. All of you come down, we'll see
how that affected the scores.Copy !req
717. Well done, Fred.Copy !req
718. Alex, how were they
at swede-on-Swede balancing?Copy !req
719. Great question, great Swedes.
Lovely Swedes.Copy !req
720. Well, Sara and Rob
found it awkward,Copy !req
721. they both achieved eight swedes.Copy !req
722. Whoa. The same? Oh, that's good.Copy !req
723. It's a reasonable amount of swedes
to get on a Swede.Copy !req
724. It's an even number.
Then we've got Dave, 11 swedes.Copy !req
725. Ooh! Uh-oh.Copy !req
726. Paul Chowdhry, 14 swedes!
14 swedes!Copy !req
727. But then Mr Al Murray
on 15 swedes!Copy !req
728. 15 swedes!Copy !req
729. Thank you.Copy !req
730. That must have affected
our final scores.Copy !req
731. Don't get your hopes up, Paul.Copy !req
732. Yes, the scores are in,
and our winner is...Copy !req
733. ..Mr Al Murray!Copy !req
734. So Al Murray is the first winner
of the series,Copy !req
735. and the owner
of five flamboyant clocks.Copy !req
736. Please, Al, head to the stage
to collect your prizes!Copy !req
737. So there we are,
another exciting series under way.Copy !req
738. Thanks for your help, Alex.
Thanks for letting me help, Greg.Copy !req
739. It's like Ant and Dec, isn't it?Copy !req
740. What have we learned today?
Well, what we've learned todayCopy !req
741. is if you want
to scare your children,Copy !req
742. just get Al Murray or Paul Chowdhry
to make them a snowman.Copy !req
743. But, most importantly, despite that,
we found out that our winnerCopy !req
744. of Episode One of Series Three
of Taskmaster is Mr Al Murray!Copy !req
745. Thank you, everybody. Goodnight!Copy !req